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How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, just taking a moment here to say thank you for you taking time out of your day to spend with me and to just listen to what today's topic is, which is all about emotional safety.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So in a recent episode, we were talking about self-care, and one of the things that I mentioned in context of practicing self-care was getting vulnerable with people that are our people, people that we feel emotionally safe with.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to kind of dive into this concept of emotional safety.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional safety is when we are in a relationship with someone where we truly feel safe, we truly feel respected, we feel seen and heard.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So when we feel comfortable talking about what we're thinking and what we're feeling in a very authentic way, where we don't feel like we have to put on a mask or pretend, those are the relationships where we generally could deem as the ones that are emotionally safe.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: When we feel like we cannot be honest or we have to measure everything that we're saying with someone, it's very important to recognize that that may not be a relationship in which you feel emotionally safe.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And let's be clear, emotional safety is a requirement in most intimate relationships if we're going to really be authentically connected with that other person.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional trust, emotional safety are truly that foundational piece in those healthy relationships.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so when relationships don't have that, it can be extraordinarily difficult to actually create, like I said, that authentic intimacy and that true intimacy because what we're essentially doing is we're coming into that relationship consistently wearing a mask or consistently with a different face than our natural one.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: So we're trying to, going back to previous a previous episode of the difference between fitting in and belonging, we're trying to fit in with that person.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: So we're kind of hiding pieces of ourselves in order to make it work rather than belonging within that relationship where we just get to be ourselves without fear of backlash or um any any um uh issues that pop up with us just being being ourselves.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So just what I really wanted to kind of go through today is well, how do we know if it's an emotionally safe place versus one I might not it might not be emotionally safe?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I I've been very this has been a very common theme amongst several of the past episode recent episodes, which is all about boundaries.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: The very first one is if you are setting boundaries with somebody and they respect those boundaries and they listen to those boundaries and they don't diminish you because of your boundaries, that is evidence of uh emotional safety, or at least has elements of emotional safety.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: However, if you set a boundary with somebody and they push back or they diminish you or kind of almost demoralize you for that boundary, or they dismiss it or they just ignore it or just basically have they don't respect it at all, that would be a real key indicator that maybe this isn't an emotionally safe relationship for you to be in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, having said that, let me just sort of go off on a slight tangent, slight caveat with boundaries.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you have not been setting boundaries with somebody and then you are starting to exert them or reset them with somebody, you know, at first it's different.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: The way that you're interacting with that person is different.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it's important to be able to, when they put maybe push back a little bit, it's restate the boundary.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if they continue to push back, then that's where we're really getting into this place of disrespect or just dismissal.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that would be a certainly an indicator of a potentially emotionally unsafe relationship.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's important to recognize that emotional safety does build over time because as you get into a relationship with somebody, trust builds over time.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we um dive in way too quickly with somebody, or somebody dives in way too quickly with us, um we're actually not giving it the space, the space to sort of build over time to build into that emotionally safe place.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um and recognizing that, you know, both both people in the relationship, there has to be mutual respect in the relationship, mutual vulnerability in the relationship, mutual and appropriate uh sharing in the relationship.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: If most of the time you either feel like you're being um deposed or asking questions or kind of on trial, so to speak, that doesn't really feel emotionally safe.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Or conversely, if you are trying to share and every single time that you're trying to share, the other person's not really listening to you, and it always becomes about them.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't equal emotional safety either.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's about mutual, mute the mutuality of you know, the sharing, of the vulnerability, of the listening, of the the dialogue that would contribute to an emotionally safe relationship.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if when you are noticing in relationship that, I mean, every relationship has um has conflict.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, conflict doesn't always have to be bad.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict can also, we can grow through conflict.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we learn when we sometimes have conflict with somebody.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We actually learn more if we're willing to listen.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So if we're willing to fight fair, so to speak, or willing to express our our feelings and frustration, and also allow our partner to express their feelings and frustration with respect and then also be open to listening, that would indicate an emotionally safe dynamic between two people.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: However, if when you get into an argument or conflict with the other person and they immediately go to demeaning words or harsh nastiness, that does not indicate emotional safety at all and actually uh leans towards um emotional or verbal abuse.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And when we're dealing with emotional or verbal abuse or physical abuse, abuse of any type, let's be just totally clear, that does not lean towards emotional safety at all.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when we are talking about just you know conflict, how we engage in conflict is really important because again, all relationships are gonna have conflict.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's how do we approach it?
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  SPEAKER_00: And are we doing it in a still a respectful way where we can have frustration, we can have anger.
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  SPEAKER_00: I mean, our feelings are valid, but what do we do with that?
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  SPEAKER_00: And if we immediately go to the harshest, meanest place, that does not lean into this concept of emotional safety at all.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to pay attention to the how you are received by the other person in the relationship.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel judged?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you are feeling judged or you are feeling demeaned in any way, that's a huge indicator that what the relationship that you're in is not necessarily an emotionally safe one.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, body language plays a part if the other person, their body language is very dismissive of you, like the rolling of the eyes, if somebody consistently rolls their eyes every time you talk, that would be an indicator that you're not necessarily in that emotionally safe relationship.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because in a in a healthy relationship, both people have to feel heard, they have to feel safe, they have to feel seen, they have to feel respected.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we are building relationships and healthy ones at that, it it is about coming to it with respect for our partner or the other person in the relationship, because this happens in friendships as well, but it also starts with respect for self.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: So really respecting and knowing yourself.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that relationship with self is the foundation, right?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: I come back to it all the time.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're talking about emotional safety, it's really important to recognize that you need to be very clear with what you're needing in the relationship, making sure that you don't um diminish your voice or your needs, coming to the relationship, communicating that, and then op being open to seeing how you the other person responds to that.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're gonna build that emotional safe relationship, it is so, so important to pay attention to how you're feeling in that relationship.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because if at any time you feel like you are walking on the eggshells, that is a key indicator that what the relationship that you are engaged in is not one of what that is giving you that emotional safety.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes when I'm working with my clients, I tend to work with the high performers, high achievers, the people who give, give, give, give, give, do, do, do, do, do.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what ends up happening is they find themselves in relationships that do not feel very good.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's something off, and you know, through the coaching, we work through that.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if at any time you feel like you could benefit from a conversation with me, definitely feel free to reach out at chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay healthy.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
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  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.