Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / Missing vs. Returning: The Attachment Paradox
Transcript
- Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, evening, thank you for spending some time here. With me today, and today I wanna talk about a truth that feels, um, surprisingly difficult for many people to hold, and it's the truth that you can miss someone and still choose not to go back. Now, this idea may seem simple. Emotionally, I would say it's anything but simple. Many people believe [00:01:00] that if they miss someone, it means that the relationship wasn't so bad perhaps, or that they made the wrong decision, or perhaps that they believe that they're just weak. Uh, they should reconsider. And what ends up happening is these beliefs, they cause confusion and self-doubt, especially for people who have worked hard to leave situations. Whether they be relationships, roles, systems that were harmful to their wellbeing. So in today's episode, I just wanna, um, talk about how separating emotional reality is important, separating it from decision making, clarity and emotional reality. Right, because, because. Just because you're missing someone doesn't invalidate the truth of why you left in the first place and longing doesn't erase maybe the harm that you felt. So I just wanna slow it down and think and have us take a look at what's really happening when missing someone feels like the reason to question yourself. [00:02:00] So what missing someone actually is, it's important for us to kind of name this, right? So when we're missing someone. It's actually a very human response to attachment. Um, when we think about attachment, just as human beings, when we're in any kind of dynamic, whether it be a, a romantic relationship, parent child relationship, workplace relationship, friendship, there's an attachment that happens. And so, you know. It, it doesn't mean though, that when we miss somebody that it was a healthy relationship. It means that we were attached to them. And so it's important for us to recognize that just because we miss them doesn't mean that we need to return to that attachment. What it means is that we were bonded to them. We had a rhythm with that person. Um, and I, an identity, a personal identity existed in this space. In that dynamic, um, your nervous system adapted to that person. Again, this doesn't have to only be romantic [00:03:00] relationships. This can be workplace relationships as well. It's important to rec, recognize that as human beings, we co-regulate each other, right? So in attachment, your nervous system has adapted. To whoever we're talking about that you've left. So attachment doesn't simply dissolve simply because you made a rational decision. And this is where a lot of people get stuck in my opinion, is they assume that the healing means emotional erasure, um, and they expect to stop missing someone once they quote unquote know better. Uh, but it's important for us to recognize that emotional bonds don't operate on the, those logical decisions that we make. You know, emotional bonds o operate on familiarity, on repetition, on memory and meaning, so you can intellectually understand why a relationship is not healthy for you and still emotionally. Feel the absence of that relationship. Those two truths can both exist. They're not actually in conflict with each [00:04:00] other. And so the confusion comes from the equation that missing equals wanting. Wanting equals regret. Regret equals wrong decision. Uh, but that equation has some flaws to it because missing someone is often about, um. It's about loss. It's it's loss of routine. It's loss of the identity of the role that you had within that dynamic. It's loss of the shared language. It's loss of, uh, an imagined future or what you thought could happen. It's loss of belonging. When we're in a relationship, there's a sense of belonging, and so what we lose that it's. It's recognizing that for a lot of high functioning adults and leaders, that confusion can feel very destabilizing because they're used to clarity, right? They're used to clarity, certainty, and control. Uh, and I say that as somebody who. Definitely has, has, uh, relies on some certainty to provide some safety. Um, [00:05:00] so they expect, if I understand why I left, my emotions should automatically align. But emotions don't recognize the same timeline as our cognition does, right? So we can get somewhere logically, but our emotions. Need some time to get there as well. And that mismatch creates that sense of distress. Not because again, you did something wrong, but because your system is readjusting. So when missing someone is misinterpreted, several things start to happen. People will return to relationships that they, again, logically know, are harmful or they will minimize the the past, or they'll even rationalize past experiences. They'll override their boundaries. Um, they will start to, to abandon their own sense of clarity that they had come to. And the big one that I see is that they shame themselves. They shame themselves for one, choosing to leave and then they shame themselves for even still caring and they believe that they're stuck. And that's particularly dangerous for people who do have a history, uh, with somebody who, who emotionally [00:06:00] manipulates or they have experienced gaslighting or have been in situations that condition them to continually, uh, doubt themselves. Or for somebody who is, um, healing from fawning, which I believe is a trauma response or over-functioning, and for those who are in the process of rebuilding their self-trust, all of these can, things can be very destabilizing. So if missing someone becomes a reason to go back, then the emotional honesty actually becomes a liability instead of a signal. And that actually will kind of get in the way of true healing happening. So from a nervous system perspective, missing someone is a withdrawal response. Your body became accustomed to that person to their emotional cues to. Anticipating what that dynamic was and leaning into a resolution. For many people, they're, they get used to that sense of activation and then there's followed. By calm, I mean [00:07:00] even in unhealthy dynamics, there is a sense of predictability because you get used to the cycle that you're in. And so when that bond, that that attachment is removed. Your own nervous system really goes through the sense of disorientation and anxiety and nervousness and sometimes longing. Um, and it's really important for people to hear that. That doesn't mean that that bond was good, it just means that it was familiar. And I think sometimes what ends up happening is we logically know that, but our emotions aren't there because again, our nervous system often will default to what feels good rather than what's uncomfortable. And this is why missing can feel so intense because just it feels so uncomfortable that. It feels scary at times. So a critical distinction that I wanna talk about is the difference between missing a person and missing what you hoped that relationship could be. [00:08:00] Most people are not missing, they're not missing the conflict, they're not missing the toxic dynamic. They're not missing the emotional instability. They're not missing the boundary violations or the exhaustion or the self-doubt. What they're missing are. The moments when there was some connection or moments when they saw a version of that other person that they believed, that they believed in, that they thought they were in relationship with, um, where they had that shared history. They, they are missing the hope. The, they're missing the dream of repair and reconnection. And it's just important to actually name what that is, which is, that's grief. Uh, it's not a reason or an argument that you were wrong and you made the wrong decision. Now, oftentimes high functioning adults will struggle with this stage because they're trained to resolve discomfort quickly. Oftentimes, people who tend to lean into that high achiever, high functioning think. [00:09:00] I shouldn't still feel this. I should get over this quickly. If I've, if I've decided to leave and I'm here, then you know it should be over or I need to move on, or this doesn't make sense. But emotional integration is not a task that you check off. And oftentimes I think people will tend to confuse capacity with tolerance, right? They stay longer because they could handle more, but capability does not equal obligation. Missing someone can feel like a betrayal of the progress. But in reality, it's a sign that it's a sign that you cared really deeply for somebody, but it doesn't mean that you were wrong to say that, that that dynamic no longer, no longer works for you. So what I offer up in terms of a shift is seeing if you can hold space for the fact that you can miss somebody and still choose yourself. You can feel a sense of longing and still remain clear. You can be in a process of grief. And still stay grounded in the [00:10:00] choice that you made. You can care and you can maintain boundaries. You can remember what was good, and also not return to something that was harmful or unhealthy for you. That's what happens as we work through the emotions of the whole thing. It's not about being rigid, it's not about suppressing emotions. It's not about denying emotions. It's about learning to hold, hold space to work through that, right? Learning to hold space through the fact that it's gonna be a process to get to a place of acceptance of why, why it was the right decision for you. And let me be clear, I'm not saying for people who are in that place of do I stay or do I go? In a relationship or even in a, a workplace. I mean, it's a very personal decision, but it's important to give yourself permission to make the decision and not to get stuck into a spiral of self-doubt. When after you leave, it still feels uncomfortable and you start to [00:11:00] second guess yourself. So when missing does arise, uh, here are some ways to just ground it and to work through it, you know? I'm a firm believer in naming what comes up. I do not believe in suppressing it. So it, it's about naming it and saying to yourself, oh my gosh, okay, we're in the, we're in that place where I am. I'm missing, I'm missing the person, or I'm missing familiarity, or I'm grieving what I hoped I would have, because when we name it, it no longer feels scary. The second part is not to, to moralize the feeling. Right? Missing doesn't make you weak or make. There'd be something wrong with you. It really makes you human and it's important to separate a feeling from the decision, right? Feelings are there to give us their data points. They're there to inform us of maybe what we might need or, um, maybe a values misalignment. But the feelings itself don't decide. Anchor yourself in your own clarity, not by rereading painful memories obsessively, but reconnecting to your [00:12:00] values. You know, when we're in a situation where we're choosing stay or go, really what it comes down to is what values might be misaligned, what values are aligned, you know, it's a values based decision, not necessarily, um, I'm gonna make this decision fly of the moment type thing. And the other thing to remember is. Emotions are gonna come and go, allow the wave of what they are. They don't necessarily require immediate attention. If you're having a moment of, um, anxiousness, it's, it's, again, we name the feeling, but we don't have to do anything about it necessarily in that moment and reduce the exposure to, to people who are not supportive, right? So if there are voices that are pressuring you one way or the other, um, just remember that you get to discern who. Who you feel most supported by, and it's important to spend some time with your own internal regulation, right? Spend some time on some mindfulness practices. You know, spend some time with movement. Find your own routine outside of the dynamic of whatever you just [00:13:00] left. Find your own routine. Look for that support. Stability does create a place for clarity. So. Uh, if you're sort of sitting with this and wondering, okay, well how do I, how do I work through this? You know, here are some questions that can help guide you if you're in, if you're in that position of feeling really, um, you're feeling like you're missing them more, right? And you're showing the question yourself, it's really asking yourself and getting clar clarity around, what am I actually missing right now? Is it the person. Is it the role I played? Is it the version of myself while I was there? Is it just the familiarity? What did I lose when I left that that deserves grieving? And maybe even start reflecting on what did I gain that I don't wanna lose again? Even doing a little bit of work on what part of you is asking for reassurance. What I mean by that question is what part of me feels scared, and then being able to offer that part some reassurance, and [00:14:00] even asking yourself, what, what would compassion towards myself? Sound like right now and offer yourself that compassion. And for those of you who really struggle with self-compassion, I would say go into third person or think of a really good friend and say, ask yourself, what would, what would I say to that person? What would I say to my really good friend or somebody that I loved really deeply that was going through something like this? And then offer yourself that same compassion. So again, just to kind of circle back, you know, missing someone does not mean necessarily that you should go back. It means that you are human and you are going through. A very normal stage of shifting an attachment or a bond, and you're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to process it. You're allowed to. Feel a sense of longing without necessarily acting on it. If you'd like to chat with me about this or anything else that you feel like coaching could potentially help you with in your life, whether it be professional or personal, feel free to reach out to me anytime at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.[00:15:00] Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!