Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / Should We Bring Mom Shaming Back? | Thinking Out Loud
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- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: You better watch out. You better not post. You better not say it out out three, two, one. You better not say it out loud. I'm told. Cause moms are the reason it's all going wrong. You better be calm. You better be kind. You better be everything all the time. Cause someone is watching and ready to judge you. They're scrolling your life. They're counting your flaws, deciding your worth by invisible laws. If your kids aren't perfect. Well, That's on you. So smile for the screen and make it look right. Don't show them the mess or the hard parts of life. Cause motherhood's judged in a highlighted view. Let's try that again. more time, buddy boys. Let's do the hook. Round two for the hook. Y'all. You better watch out. You better not post. You better not say it loud. I'm told. Let's try that again. You better watch out. You better not post. You better not say it loud. I'm told. Cause mothers are the reason it's all going wrong. You better be calm. You better be kind. You better be everything all the time. Cause someone is watching and ready to judge. They're scrolling your life. They're counting your flaws, deciding your worth by invisible laws. If your kids aren't perfect, well, that's on you. So smile for the screen and make it look right. Don't show them the mess or the hard parts of life. Cause motherhood's judged in a highlight view. has motherhoods judged in a highlight view. as Section 2. Okay. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we go any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I've watched a lot of people share their childhood stories lately. So stories lately. Some have healed and some are still much living in the way. And some are still very much living in what they went through. One comment struck me though. We need to bring mom shaming back. It didn't come from nowhere. It came from pain, from feeling powerless, from realizing you can't go back to fix what happened between three, two, one. You can't go back and fix what happened between you and your mom. That kind of helplessness, turns into anger, valid anger. And I don't think shame is the solution to be clear. There are situations where intervention three, two, one. There are situations where intervention isn't optional. It's necessary. The question for today is, should we bring mom shaming back? Maybe an even better question is, did it ever really go away? Now it sounds like I'm concerned. I'm being honest. I'm advocating for the children. And sometimes that is true. And sometimes it's judgment in a softer voice. It's still criticism without context, assumptions without understanding, and social media made it louder. Now you don't have to get judged by your family. You get judged by strangers. get three, two, one. Now you don't just get judged by your family. You get judged by strangers who see 30 seconds of your life and decide who you are as a mother. The scary part. People feel justified doing it. If they believe they're protecting a child, they don't question how they're showing up. They don't ask, am I helping? Or am I projecting they react and that reaction cannot three, two, one. And that reaction can do more damage than they realize, which is why I think we need to start asking better questions. What are people actually ask King three, two, one. What are people actually asking for when they say that? I don't think they're asking for cruelty. think they're asking where was the accountability? Why didn't someone step in? Why did the adults around me let this happen? And that's an honest observation. Children are powerless. We know that. We see it in real life. We see it in stories. We see it in systems like CPS. As a society, we do believe children should be protected. When that doesn't happen, people grow up carrying that. And somewhere along the way, that anger gets admitted to moms as a whole. instead of where it actually belongs. Let's re-record up and then we'll just move this to section two. Okay. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Before we go any further quick now, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I've been watching a lot of people share their childhood stories lately. Some have healed and some are still very much living in what they went through. One question that struck me was when someone said, we need to bring mom shaming back from the story. I realized it didn't come from nowhere. It came from pain. It came from feeling powerless. And for my own projection of this part, for me, seeing what they were going through, maybe it's that you can't go back and fix what happened. And that kind of helplessness, it turns into anger, valid anger. And I don't think shame is a solution. Three, two, one. From realizing you can't go back and fix what happened to you. And that kind of helplessness, turns into anger, which is valid anger. I don't think shame is the solution though. To be clear, there are situations where intervention isn't optional, it's necessary. The question for today is, should we bring mom shaming? Three, two, one. The question for today is, should we bring mom shaming back? Maybe an even better question is, did it really ever go away? Now it sounds like I'm concerned. I'm being honest. I'm advocating for children. Sometimes that's true. Sometimes it's judgment in a softer voice. It's still criticism without context, assumption without understanding. Socially three to one social media, social media made it louder. Three, two, one. Social media made it louder. Now you don't just get judged by your family. You get judged by strangers who only see three seconds of your life and decide who you are as a mother. The scary part, people feel justified doing it. If they believe they're protecting a child, they don't question how they're showing up. They don't ask, am I helping or am I projecting? They react. And that reaction can do more damage than they realize, which is why I think we need to ask a better question. What are people actually asking for when they say that? I don't think they're asking for cruelty. think they're asking why three, two, one. think they're asking where was the accountability? Why didn't anyone step in? Why did the adults around me let it happen? And here's an honest observation. Children are powerless. We know that we see it in the three, two, one. see it in real life. We see it in this three, two, We saw my face. My lips are itchy. We know that we see it in real life. We see it in stories. We see it in systems like CPS as a society. do believe children should be protected when that doesn't happen. People grow up carrying that somewhere along the way. That anger gets aimed to mothers as a whole instead of where it actually belongs. Instead of where it actually belongs. Yes, mothers are often seen as a default parent. So section two, first recording coming back now. Yes. Mothers are often seen as a default parent, the one responsible for the emotions of day-to-day care. What happens when the system fails? What happens when the mom drops the ball or doesn't know how, or doesn't want to, why does it stop there? Where is the father or the partner? Where is the family? Where is the community? Parenting has never been meant to be a one-person role. Parenting was never meant to be a one-parenting role. Parenting was never meant to be a one person role. It's a role for the community. Three, two, one. It's a community role. We normalize this idea that dad supports the mom and the mom handles the kids. If she struggles or absent or overwhelmed, then what? Do we keep blaming her or do we acknowledge that parenting is a shared responsibility? If you choose to be a parent, it's your job to raise your kid. This is where we have to separate something important. Accountability versus punishment versus projection. Those are not the same. The real is the issue. Those are not the same thing. The real issue isn't one bad day. The real issue is when harm pattern, when harmful patterns become the real issue is when harmful patterns become the norm and nothing changes. And that's where accountability matters. Shame. Shame doesn't fix that. I know that personally, I've been mom shamed and it didn't make me better. made me worse with the, with the, let's go, but that'll be section three, three, All right. Rerecording section two. Yes. Mothers are often seen as the default parent, the leader, the one responsible for the emotional and day-to-day care. What happens when that system fails? What happens when the mom drops the ball or doesn't know how, or doesn't want to, why does it stop there? Where is the father or the partner? Where is the family? Where is the community? Parenting was never meant to be a one person role. It's a community role. We've normalized this idea that dad supports the mom and the mom handles the kids. If she's struggling or absent or over, if she's struggling or absent or overwhelmed, if she's struggling or absent or overwhelmed, then what do we keep blaming her or do we acknowledge that parenting is a shared responsibility? If you choose to be a parent, yes, it's your, if you choose to be a parent, Yes, it's your job to raise them, but it's not just the person who birthed them. Three, two, one. It's not just the person who birthed them. No, if you choose to be a parent, it's your job to raise your children. It's not just the mother's role. This is where we have to separate something important. Accountability versus punishment versus projection. Those are not the same thing. The real issue isn't one bad day. The real issue is that when harmful patterns become the norm, And nothing changes. That's where accountability matters. Shame. Shame doesn't fix that. know that personally, I've been mom shamed and it didn't make me better. made me worse. Section three, first recording with my first, it was hell. I was already struggling instead of support. got laughed at. My yelling turned into a joke. I became the crazy one. You're not the first person to get pregnant. Kimberly, what that taught me. Was that every mistake meant something three to one. What that taught me was that every mistake meant something about who I was that no matter how hard I tried, I was failing. Even if I got it right 95 % of the time, that 5 % became my identity. That kind of shame, it doesn't motivate you to grow. It makes you spiral. You start fixating on every bad moment, convincing yourself. This is who I am. My child is going to hate me. What's the point of even trying. It made me want to give up to run away. felt like nothing. did matter. Three, two, one. It felt like nothing I did mattered. Even when I was actively working on myself, even when I was taking accountability, even when I was trying to manage my mental health, it didn't count. The shame was louder. The shame was louder. And I want to stay here for a second. I don't think people fully understand what shame actually does in real time. It's not only a feeling. It becomes a voice, a constant one. Every time my child cried, what are you doing wrong? Every time I lost my patience, three, two, one. Every time I lost my patience. There it is. That's the real you. Every time I try to repair, it doesn't matter. You already messed up. And that voice didn't make me pause and reflect. It made me panic. It made me reactive. It made me second gate. three geese geese. It made me react. It made me panic. It made me reactive. It made me second guess everything. It made me less present because I was focused so much on not messing up again that it didn't even three, two, one, that I couldn't even be in the moment. And that's the part people don't talk about. Shame doesn't just hurt the mom. It changes how she parents in the moment, not usually for the better, rather for the worst. end of first recording of section three. With my first it was hell. I was already struggling and instead of a port, the report, report. Instead of support with my first section three, second recording with my first, was hell. I was already struggling and instead of support, I got laughed at. My yelling turned into jokes. I became the crazy one. You're not the first person to get pregnant, Kimberly. And what that taught me was that every mistake meant something about who I was. Then no matter how hard I tried, I was feeling, even if I got 95 % right of the three to, and even if I got it right 95 % of the time, the 5 % became my identity. That kind of shame, it doesn't motivate you to grow. It makes you spiral. I started hyper fixating on every bad moment, convincing myself that this is who I am. My child's going to hate me. What's the point of even trying? I made it three, two, one. It made me want to give up to run away. felt like nothing. I didn't matter. Even when I was actively working on myself, even when I was taking accountability, even when I was trying to manage my mental health, it didn't count. The shame was louder. And I want to say three, two, one, and I want to stay here for a second. I don't think people fully understand the shame. Three, two, one. I don't think people fully understand what shame actually does in real time. It's not only a feeling, it becomes a voice, a constant one. Every time I child cried, what are you doing wrong? Every time I lost patient, there it is. Three, two, one. Every time I lost patients, there it is. That's the real you. Every time I tried to repair, it doesn't matter. You already messed it up. And that voice didn't make me pause and reflect. It made me panic. It made me reactive. It made me second guess everything. It made me feel less present because I was so focused on not messing up again that I couldn't even be in the moment. And that's the part people don't talk about. Shame doesn't just hurt the mom. It changes how she parents in the moment. Not for the better, for the worst. Section four, first recording. Here's what I've learned from my own relationships. What actually breaks relationships is imperfection. It's the avoiding accountability. It's doubling down on harmful behavior. It's punishing someone for being hurt. And it's using power against someone instead of taking responsibility. That's what makes people walk away. Not one bad moment, a pattern of not caring to repair. And that's where I think people get stuck. When someone grows up in that, they're not reacting to one mistake. They're reacting to years of not being heard. Years of not being protected. Years of poor leadership from someone who was supposed to guide them. And that pain is real. Turning that into shame moms doesn't solve it. Shame doesn't create change. It creates performance. I've seen it. There are moms who think, well, I worry about being a bad mom, so I must be a great one. Let's try it again. There are moms who think if you just think, well, if I was worried about being a bad mom, that must mean I care enough and I'm not a bad mom. So I must not be a bad mom, right? And sure, awareness matters. Well, let me ask a harder question. Would you die for your kids? Yeah, most people would say yes, but would you live for them? Would you grow for them? Would you change for them? Would you take responsibility for your patterns? your triggers, your mental health, or do you stop at this is who I am. And I think a lot of what we're seeing right now is generation pain being spoken out loud for the first time. People are naming what hurt them, what broke them, what they needed and didn't get. And that matters. There's a difference between processing pain and projecting it. Not every struggling mom is the parent you had. Not every mistake is the same level of harm. When everything gets labeled the same, we lose the ability to see clearly. We stop asking what's actually happening here and we start reacting from this feels familiar so it must be the same. And that's not how pain keeps repeating itself. And that's how pain keeps repeating itself. It just looks different this time. When shame is a tool, three, two, one. When shame is a tool, honesty disappears. Moms don't ask for help. They don't admit they're struggling. They don't say, I don't know what I'm doing right now. They curate, they filter, they perform. The more they perform, the less real support they get. No one can help what they can't see. Now you have moms who look like they have it together and are falling apart behind closed doors. And then people point at them and say, see, it's not that hard. And that deepens the cycle. Real parenting isn't a checklist, it's leadership. And leadership means seeing your kids as their own person, not an extension of yourself, not a reflection of your success. An individual, you have the responsibility to guide. It looks different for every kid. Some struggles with emotions struggle. Some struggle with three, two, It looks different with every kid. Some struggle with emotions. Some struggles with social cues. Some struggle with social cues. Some struggle with physical. skill through some struggle, physical, some struggle with emotions, some struggle socially, some struggle physically. And your role is to help them navigate that or find the support that can, which is why I don't believe most moms are out here trying to fail. I think most moms are trying. They're exhausted, unsupported, overstimulated, and dealing with what no three, two, dealing with things. one sees mental health, lack of sleep. relationship struggles, financial pressure. And then on top of that, they're told, no matter what you do, it's not enough. Instead of growing, they shut down or they perform or they hide. And the real question I have is this. And that's the real question. Does shame create better parenting or better hiding from what I've seen and make struggling moms feel paralyzed? and it lets harmful moms believe they're doing just fine. They're not as bad as someone else. So, what does accountability actually look like? Because it matters. We do need it. Accountability isn't humiliation. Sometimes it's modeling something better. Sometimes it's asking questions instead of making a statement. Sometimes it's knowing the difference between a struggling parent and an unwilling one. And sometimes it's asking, how can I help you? Kids aren't the hard part. What's hard is everything surrounding parenting. The lack of support, the mental load, the pressure, the systems that don't actually help families thrive. And yes, there are parents who don't have the capacity to show up, whether that's mental illness, trauma, addiction, or simply not wanting the role they stepped into. And that's real and it's uncomfortable to say. Again, shame doesn't fix that. Education, support, and honest conversations do. I've lived the difference. And when I surrounded three, two, one, when I am surrounded by judgment, I was stuck. When I created distance from that, I could hear support again. I could think clearly again. I could change. And not because someone shamed me into it. Someone helped me see. And I think this is where people get it twisted. Accountability can feel uncomfortable. It's not always soft. It's not always easy to hear. There's a difference. Accountability invites change. Shame shuts it down. Accountably three, two, Shame shuts it down. Accountability says, Hey, something here isn't working. Let's look at it. Shame says this isn't working because of you. One focuses on behavior, the other attacks identity. And when you attack someone's identity, they don't grow, they defend, they deflect, or they disappear. And none of those help the children. 3, 2, 1. starting section eight, I think, or the closing. Back to the question, should we bring mom shaming back? I think it's more honest to say it never left. And it's not working. Three, two, one. I think it's more honest to say it never left. And it's not working. And maybe a better question is, what actually helps moms become better? What actually protects children? What actually protects children? What actually creates change? What actually helps mother become better? Three, two, one. What actually helps moms become better? What actually protects children? What actually creates change? If the goal is resilience and flexible kids, we need to stop breaking the people raising them. If we're being honest, most moms aren't asking to be perfect. They're asking for space to learn, to mess up, to repair, to grow. Still be seen as someone who's trying. That doesn't mean we ignore harm. It means we respond in a way that actually creates change. Because if the goal is to raise better humans, then we need to model what growth actually looks like. Maybe it's not about watching moms more closely. Maybe it's about supporting them more honestly. Maybe it's about better support. Maybe it's about better support. Maybe it's about education and real accountability without cruelty. And I think this is an important question to sit with. When you were growing up, did shh, three, two, one. When you were growing up, did shame actually help you, three, two, one. When you were growing up, did shame actually help you grow? Maybe that answer tells us more than we realize. End of closing, three, two, one. Thanks for listening to my r-r-r-rambos!