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Level Up Your Dating Profile · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Foreign welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I'm your host, Michael DiIorio, and joining me today are Matt Lansdel and Reno Johnston. Today we're talking about leveling up your dating profile. And we're going to be exploring questions like what catches your attention beyond good looks when you're scrolling through profiles? And what's the biggest mistake you see people make on their profiles? We've been focusing this month on dating apps and today we want to give you, give your dating app a glow up. That's what our purpose is here today. Okay? If you're new here, welcome and please subscribe to the channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of people who need us. All right, in our last episode we talked about addiction to dating apps. And so, you know, before we jump into this one, if this is the first time you're joining us, we just want to acknowledge that are many issues with dating apps. And you know, we want to remind everyone that it's, it's not necessary to be on dating apps to meet guys. There's lots of other ways to do it. And yes, apps do have a tendency to bring out the worst in us, but that's not what we're talking about here today. Okay? Today we want to talk to anyone who's out there saying, yeah, okay, I get all that and I'm still going to use these dating apps. So for you guys, what we want to help you with today is help you make the most of that experience specifically with your profile. So a couple of facts and figures. 2019 study found that 65% of same sex relationships met online. And I'm willing to bet that it is five years from that that number has likely gone up. I'm willing to bet this was also pre Covid. Don't forget 2019. Also another study suggested that men spend approximately six seconds on a Tinder profile. I thought that was kind of long, but interesting. And then another study said that Grindr, of all the dating apps, has the most usage and the most time spent on the app than the average user of the top three dating apps combined after that. So Grindr had more usage than Tinder, Bumble and Hinge combined. Crazy. The average. I saw a lot of different figures, but it was around, around 60 minutes per day for the Average Grindr user.
• 2:24
  Speaker B: Wow.
• 2:24
  Speaker A: Right? So no, Grindr for sure does not surprise me because I think the way it's built, I have found that and we talked about that last week as well. Right. That's why I'm on my hiatus. But as we said, even if you are going to be on these apps, then yeah, we want to help you make the most of that experience. Specifically by helping you really create a curate profile that is authentic to you and that attracts the right people to you. So I've dedicated many coaching hours to this very topic of dating apps. I've actually run workshops on this during COVID and I've decided as I was preparing for this, I'm going to bring it back. It's been like four years since I've run this workshop and I'm going to give it a one time appearance only. And what that is is it's 10 to 15 guys, one session. We do a deep dive on your dating app profile. I'll walk you through four different categories that we use as an assessment and then you also get a little workbook that you can keep for our reference. So if you're interested in that, I'll put it in the show notes. All right. So men will often tell us, I can't find any good guys who want more than just sex. I can't find anyone online. I'm not finding people online. There's a big issue with finding guys online. And they're all telling me this individually. And it got me thinking, if so many of you are looking for the same thing, why aren't you finding each other? Are you finding me and telling me this when you should be theoretically finding each other because you want the same kinds of things. So when I dig in and I start asking questions, and when we review and analyze your profile, when I actually dig in and look at it and when you show me how you're interacting on these apps, the answer becomes very clear to me. Okay? A lot of you guys are hiding yourselves on the apps you're hiding, right? You want to connect, but yet you hide behind blank profiles, bad pictures, vague profiles that tell me nothing about you. Poor photos that you have your hat and your glasses and you're all the way back there. I can't tell you from like the tree beside you. And on top of that, you used what I call half assed communication. You're not communicating in the way that I know you can. Okay? And what's worse is when these connections don't happen, we tend to make it mean something's wrong with us. Right? So something must be wrong with me. I'm not making these connections online. I am the problem. Like, fundamentally I'm the problem versus saying, okay, maybe the way I'm interacting is the problem, or maybe my photos need a bit of a refresh. Right? But we make it mean it's me. Like, inherently something is bad about me, and that's not going to be very helpful. Our shame loves to use this kind of stuff as a weapon against ourselves. And, you know, we don't want to do that here. And this can create a sense of despair and hopelessness. Again, we talked about this in our last episode, but if you're listening to this and you're at that point now, you're like, yeah, I'm at the despair and hopelessness. We want to give you permission. It's totally fine to take a hiatus. Maybe now is the time to take that hiatus, Take a little break. But when you come back, don't just come back with the same profile. Give it a glow up, elevate it, level it up, which is what we're talking about here today. So all three of us, as far as our last, I mean, this last time we chatted, we are all on the apps, various apps. So Matt, Reno, and I know, we are out there. We are watching you guys. We are seeing this all unfold in real time. And, you know, like I said, we know a lot of you are not putting yourselves out there in the way that's doing you any favors. And so we're here to help today. So with that said, let's go into our very first question, which is what catches your attention beyond good looks when you're scrolling through profiles? Let's start with Reno today.
• 5:43
  Speaker C: Okay, so crazy, crazy idea. And I might do this after I answer this question, like, a little bit, but I. I actually have my hinge profile here.
• 5:54
  Speaker A: Yes.
• 5:55
  Speaker C: I pulled it up and I was like, oh, I want to show it to you. I'm really curious about, like, what you experience in observing it. So I'll pull it up in just a second. And now maybe everyone's flocking to YouTube as they're listening to.
• 6:10
  Speaker A: Give everyone a chance to get onto YouTube here.
• 6:11
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, Right? So, yeah, I think originality is one because, I mean, if you think about it this way, and it sounds really kind of odd to make this comparison, but, like, let's say you're an employer who's going through a list of resumes, right? Like this long pile of resumes at some point, like, you're Gonna get bored and something's gonna stand out to you. Right. And so I think it's similar. We're, we're sort of swiping left and right, left and right. And I think originality really makes a person stand out. So I don't know what that looks like, but I mean, maybe look at everyone else's profiles and see what they're up to. I see a lot of people with pictures of like their dogs or like, I don't know, the mountains, which, I'm not gonna lie. Like, when you see mine, there's. There's a picture of me like in the mountains for sure. Right. So no shade, but I'm just saying, I think, yeah, just doing something unique, whatever that looks like to kind of stand out. But something that's true to you and that I think that would be. The next thing I would say is authenticity, I think is really important. I can definitely sniff it out. Like I can tell when someone's kind of bullshitting on their profile or it just doesn't really feel authentic to me. Playfulness is a big one. I would say is a big one. Like playfulness, humor, huge. When I see someone who makes jokes or seems to have fun and there's like a light heartedness about, that's really attractive to me, the use of imagery to share how you live and what you enjoy. Like authentically too. Right. Which is why you probably only see one picture of me, like in the mountains. Because let's be honest, like, I don't hike all the time. And I'm not going to pretend that I do because when you meet me, you'll be sadly disappointed. Like, I like hiking, but my ass loves to chill. You know, that's me. Cozy, as Matt would say. Right. So I'm not going to pretend that I, you know, that I'm like hiking with some dog that I don't have. Right. But I think, yeah, just snapshots of you, like, you know, whether it's in the kitchen or out for a walk or on the beach or whatever it is you love to do, I think that demonstrates, like, you know, how you live your life can be really powerful. Spirituality, that's a big one. Like whenever I see someone mention something spiritual or philosophical on their profile, I'm immediately turned on and intrigued. You have promptly set yourself apart from everybody else. It's a definite filter for me. Or if you mention the housewives. If you mention the housewives, like, we can hang. Yeah. And then the use of video and audio, I really love that hinge has made that, I guess Grindr 2. I'm just thinking the videos that I see on there are different than the ones I see on Hinge for sure. But like on Hinge, like the use of video and audio, I love when people use that feature because I can hear your voice and I can see you and maybe I get a sense of an activity that you're up to. So definitely those. So turning to the screen, this is my. Okay, so there's a bit of a glare, but this is my Hinge profile. So there's a picture of me in the mountains and then there's a list of. What does it say? Pick the.
• 9:55
  Speaker A: The best one.
• 9:56
  Speaker C: Yeah, Right. And then you have long walks, deep conversations, and what's the last one?
• 10:01
  Speaker B: Making getaways.
• 10:03
  Speaker C: Right. So then I have my. I have an audio where I talk a bit about what I'm up to in my life. And then this one is. What am I saying there?
• 10:13
  Speaker B: I booked a one way flight to Bali.
• 10:16
  Speaker C: Right. Most spontaneous thing I've done. So. Yeah. Then this is my profile or this is the section of my profile with like what I, what I do for work and what I'm looking for.
• 10:27
  Speaker A: Love it.
• 10:29
  Speaker B: Cool.
• 10:29
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. And then there's a photo of me dressed up and ready to go out to dinner. It's one of these like elevator mirror picks. There's me talking smack on the microphone. Then. Oh, dating me is like taking mdma. There's me working out at the gym. Right. I think it says like me in the wild or something like that.
• 10:56
  Speaker A: Yeah.
• 10:56
  Speaker C: Oh, and what does this say? Oh, I geek out on God. Which was so edgy to put on my profile because I was like, oh, it's definitely going to filter out a lot of people maybe. But you know, like, maybe it'll. Maybe a lot of people will be interested then. Yeah. There's a pic of me in Bali and then one of me giving a speech at my birthday party last year. So that's my profile.
• 11:20
  Speaker A: I would say that counts as originality and authenticity. Like me knowing what I know about you. You. I love that you were very honest and authentic about who you are. And like you said, that acts as a wonderful filter. If people don't like that answer. Going to just keep swiping and then it saves you both a lot of time.
• 11:36
  Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, it's fun. It's fun. Definitely.
• 11:40
  Speaker A: I think people might have a hard time understanding for themselves what makes me original or inauthentic because we're in it. We are ourselves. So, you know, if you're like that. I was thinking I would ask my best friend or ask you guys or ask someone, like, what makes me different? Like, what's something that makes me original? Because I might not know because I'm me. Right.
• 11:57
  Speaker C: That's a good point, actually. I'm glad you made that point. And I think if you're looking for originality, something I would say is to lean into your edges. Like, lean into the places where you feel uncomfortable or where you feel like you're hiding or holding back. I would, like, challenge you to bring a little bit of that forward, because, I mean, also, they're gonna find out anyway, right? And to be honest, I think that that might be really hot to them. Like, I remember someone being surprised at how, like, playful and edgy I was, and I was like, oh, that's. That's interesting that that's, like, not more obvious, but it just. It was food for thought. I was like, oh, okay. How am I presenting? You know? And am I holding this part of myself back a little bit to see more, like, deep and serious when really, like, I'm super fun too, you know?
• 12:47
  Speaker A: So, yeah, it's hard, I think, with these profiles that we are such complex people. And to try to summarize that into, like, we have six seconds. You have six seconds to tell somebody, this is who I am. Please swipe on me. Right? It's. It's really hard. And I get. I get why it's very daunting for a of people, but hopefully this conversation will help.
• 13:06
  Speaker C: Yeah, totally.
• 13:08
  Speaker A: Matt, how about you? What catches your attention beyond good looks when you're scrolling through profiles?
• 13:14
  Speaker B: Well, I just wanted to say I love your profile, Reno.
• 13:17
  Speaker C: Oh, thank you.
• 13:18
  Speaker B: I love Hinge. It's my favorite out of all of them, but it's the least used, in my opinion.
• 13:23
  Speaker C: Agreed.
• 13:24
  Speaker B: Which is, like, kind of sad because you keep swiping, and then it eventually ends. I'm like, damn it. Because I find those profiles captivate me. The other ones usually, like, there's a lot on. On Tinder, Grinder, Scruff, that are just, like, blank profiles or they don't have a lot. So I feel like I. I want that. Which kind of leads me to, like, you know, well, maybe what. I'll preface with this. So my answers were all within the context of the dating apps. I see the dating apps as, like, you know, ones like that are not hookup apps like Grindr, Scruff, Sniffies. All those. Like, those are not included in my answers today because I wouldn't go there looking for dates in my opinion, I'd go there looking for hookups. But the first one that I wrote down is availability. How someone can show me that they are available would be that they put effort into their profile. I think effort is a big one. So that's why I liked your profile, Reno. You've clearly put thoughtfulness and effort in, and I think that really, really speaks volumes. Usually when I'm scrolling, I. I'm trying my best not to filter through, like, ego stuff. I'm usually trying to slow it down and I'm trying to feel my way into the energetics of it because I know for me, like, if I swipe because of appearance, it's not going to be compatible for me. If I swipe because I feel drawn energetically to this person, then I usually will find I have a better resonance with them and it translates better when I meet them in person. So positive energy is definitely one that I would kind of gravitate towards. And then kindness in the eyes and smiling. It's amazing when I'm swiping how many people don't smile on their profile. Like, they don't show their teeth or anything like that. And I'm like, how come?
• 15:04
  Speaker A: Right?
• 15:04
  Speaker B: And then I always wonder, I'm like, are they insecure about this and. And things like that. But I think smiling is. Is so important. And we all have very unique smiles. Like, that's, I think, so beautiful. Like, we all have very, very unique smiles. So smiling is just something that really draws me in, in my opinion. And then stating what they want. I love somebody that, like, knows what they want and they've stated it. Like, for you to put God in there, like, it's bold and I love it, right, Because. And I'm the same way. Like, I'm very explicit. Like, this is what I want and. And then it weeds people out because I don't want to have to do that manual weeding process. I want the universe or I want the app to do it for me because I want people to be more compatible. And then the last one I wrote was compatibility. So I'm just always looking at what they write. That's the most important thing for me. Pictures are. Are important. But I would say, you know, what is this person putting forward as far as, you know, who they are, how they show up in the world, these sorts of things. So things like, well, a couple things that are really, really important to me I would say would be like, demisexual or emotionally available. You don't have to be demisexual to date. Me, but I prefer it. But emotional availability would be probably enough for me to proceed. Doesn't drink would be a very important thing for me if I'm going to be in a long term relationship with them for just dating and having casual stuff. I'm very okay with people drinking, but I wouldn't want it in a long term relationship. And then this one's a little bit like I thought about, should I put this one down? But I represent myself as moderate politically. I like to think that I can see both sides of the spectrum and I think that's important. So if someone's like hardcore like far right or hardcore far left, like, we're probably not going to be a good fit. So I like somebody that can kind of see the world in, in the grayness of, of our world, not just in these extremes of black and white. So yeah, that's important. And then I just want to reveal kind of what's coming up, like even in your, in your intro. Michael I felt like I've just been kind of feeling down with this whole thing, like with dating and dating apps. And I just feel like, ugh, it's just a heavy, it's a heavy area for me because I find that there's just so much incompatibility out there. Like I just feel like I'm not compatible with so many people. You know what I mean? And it's a very, it's a frustrating thing for me and I think, you know, and it's, it's hard not to slip into that. Is it something that I'm doing right? Like, what is this? But I also, I kind of know in my heart of hearts that it's not like I'm representing myself as who I am and, and what I want from the world and a relationship. But to your point about being in, you know, you have these people coming into your sessions and being like, oh, I can't find love anywhere. And then the other person comes, I can't find love anywhere. And these people, it's like, I honestly think there's more to it. And I think it's about attachment. I think, you know, you have people on the avoidant side of the spectrum, which is a lot of gay men, whether you're fearful avoidant or you're dismissive avoidant. And I think these people want love, they want intimacy, but they're completely terrified of it. So they either self sabotage subconsciously by not putting, not being authentic or not putting things on or hiding on their profiles because they're afraid of rejection or Whatever it might be. But I think. And so that for me, that's. I think the frustrating part is it's like I see this and I have so much compassion for it. But there's also a part of me that's like, I want to inspire people to do the work to get out of those holes, right? Because I know. And I have so much compassion for it because I know, I know the pain, I know the. I know what it feels like to want to hide myself and, you know, not be in intimacy because you're afraid of being rejected by it. But then I'm also. There's a part of me that's also impacted by this, right? Because I'm not. I don't want to be with people who aren't available. So there's a lot of people that are weeded out from my pool because they don't have the capacity to. To show up and like, meet me how I want to be met, right? So maybe it's like a grieving or something. Like I feel like there's a bit of anger in my system right now, but there's also a bit of grief around, like the lack of connection in my life that I want, but it's just not available to me, you know, at least in the ways that I want it. So I had to bring voice to that because it's just very alive for me.
• 19:03
  Speaker A: I think a lot of people do feel the same way, which is why sometimes it's not the time, right? It's not the time to be in the nap. It's time to take the hiatus. There's lots of other ways to do it, so. Or sometimes dating, like, dating is just not a thing and the universe is like, no, don't focus on this, focus on something else.
• 19:18
  Speaker B: Yeah, time will come.
• 19:19
  Speaker A: But I think that would resonate with a lot of people out there.
• 19:21
  Speaker C: Yeah, I want to respond to that briefly because there's this interesting thing that I discovered through my work. Like just the work that I've both experienced and maybe facilitated in some contexts, whether it's authentic relating or the work we do at the Body Electric School and workshop. And you've probably seen this too, both of you, in your workshops and coaching and things like that. There's something that happens when we're in that space and I find it so magical. I can be sitting in a room full of people and I come in and initially I'm holding all of this conditioning and all these perspectives and judgments and some of them are conscious and like front facing, but some of them are working in the background and creating barriers to me being in love and connection with the people in the room. And I remember someone said, by the end of this weekend, you will be in love with everyone in this room. And I started to see this kind of diminishing and dissolving of all of those conscious and subconscious and unconscious barriers to experiencing love and connection with everyone in the room and the ways in which I also guarded myself. That armor started to fall away. Those projections started to fall away. And by the end of that weekend, I was literally in love with everyone in that room, you know, and could be in love and connection with every person in that room, regardless of their body type, their skin color, their gender, you know, etc. Like, it all. All of that just fell away. And so I am really curious, you know, in a space that is so physically and superficially driven in a lot of the ways and as a group and a community that is dealing with a lot of trauma, you know, and healing and evolving our spaces and opportunities like that, the thing that creates more of, you know, what you're describing. And I know it's possible because I've seen it happen, like, within minutes, you know, minutes, hours, over a weekend. So I don't think it needs to take a lifetime, you know, but it is a lifetime of work because you've got to keep coming back to it. Right?
• 21:43
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 21:44
  Speaker C: Yeah, But I hear you. I'm with you.
• 21:46
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 21:46
  Speaker A: And.
• 21:47
  Speaker B: Well, and it. You make such a good point. Because I think for me, that's where my frustration lies. Right. I do this for. For a living. I get to. I get to bring people together, and I get to watch the hearts melt. I get to watch the. The barriers come down, and it's like. But yet there's not this venue or vehicle for me to be able to do this, because the apps, in my opinion, they actually perpetuate armor and they perpetuate projection and they perpetuate judgment. Because we're literally looking at somebody for six seconds and then swiping. And what we're usually swiping with is judgment. Nope.
• 22:21
  Speaker C: Gross.
• 22:21
  Speaker B: Yuck. Right? And we're doing this process where we're almost, like, discarding people, you know, so we're not getting the opportunity to let those judgments and stuff come down. And I think that might be what I'm frustrated with, is it's like, I'm just kind of tired. I'm tired of the apps. I'm tired of the online shop. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I'm exhausted by it. And it doesn't, you know, Covid probably made that, you know, more intense because we were all on that. We didn't get to see each other for a long time. But. So, yeah, you make great points, and I love the fact that you're able to have those experiences.
• 22:53
  Speaker A: Yeah. And as much as that's all true, it still works for a lot of people.
• 23:00
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 23:00
  Speaker A: It is the number one way, I think, for the last 10, 20 years that people are meeting their partners, straight and gay, especially if you don't happen to live in an urban center. I know that apps are really, for a lot of people, whether you like it or not, the only way really, to have, you know, that accessibility to that many people. I mean, you know, we talked a lot about how it maybe isn't the best for a lot of reasons, but for a lot of people, it does work. I mean, I'm sure viewers and listeners out there now can think of people they know or maybe their own partner they might have met online. Right. Funnily enough, for me, I've been online for a long time on all the apps, and I've only met one of my partners online, and the rest were all in person. But anyway, that speaks to my living in a city where I live, in a village where I live, like, it's very easy for me to meet people in both instances. So for me, first of all, I want to talk about that smiling thing, because you. You clocked me correctly. People who have met me at the gym or in bars, like, oh, yeah, I. I talked to you. I've seen your profile in Grindr. I've seen your profile on whatever these apps, and they're like, you're so serious, but you're. When in person, you're not at all. And you smile a lot. And I'm like, fuck, yeah. And Matt was correct. It's because I have insecurity about my smile in my teeth. So I. I usually post these, like, super serious photos where in my mind, I think they look good, but other people, like, yeah, okay, it looks good, but it doesn't showcase the truth of your personality and your aura.
• 24:19
  Speaker C: I love your mouth, by the way. You have a beautiful mouth.
• 24:22
  Speaker A: Yeah, baby, that's just the beginning.
• 24:26
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 24:27
  Speaker A: So, yeah, that is a very, very good point. And again, this is where getting feedback really helps. Right. You know, feedback from people who know you and also people who don't. So when I go through these, I'll look at it from an objective lens, and, you know, it's really nice to get that. So yeah, I just wanted to mention that you clocked me on the smile. So now my profile has lots of different photos and some of which are smiling, even though I don't necessarily think it's sexy. But it shows that I actually do have a bit more of a light hearted side. So a lot of what you guys said, if I am swiping or if it's gr, if it's the grid on Grindr, when I was on Grindr, something obviously needs to catch my attention, right? That's what it's all about. So if I can get a sense of who you are, great in that first bit. So the way my brain works is obviously you see picture. So that picture, like it or not, has to be something that I'm attracted to. If not, then I'm just going to swipe. There's no way around that. I'm sorry. And then I'll be like, okay, what's this profile? What's he all about? He looks cute. What's he all about? Like, read the profile now. If you don't have a profile in there, you've lost me. Because like that was an opportunity to really sell me. And if there's nothing there, then I'm like, oh, well, that's a shame. Like, what's this guy all about? So reading that profile though, if there is something in there that can make it a break, what you write in there for me definitely matters. People say, oh, who reads profiles? I'm like, bitch, I read every profile for sure. I read it, I check it. If you have an insta length, I'm going to go there. I'm going to do a deep dive into who you are. Because I want to know based on that if I'm going to send you a message or not. Right? Or if I'm going to swipe on that. So I'll give you an example. If someone writes in there that they're really like, they have a picture with like lots of plants and like you can tell that they're a plant. Eddie, I'm like, oh my God, I love your monstera. I need to talk to you about that. Or something that gives me a reason to talk to them is amazing. Like, give me a reason. Like give me something in your profile that shows me who you are. Going back to Reno's point about originality and authenticity. And if it's something I share with you, I'm going to message you so quick and be so excited to talk to you. So show me who that is and remember Guys, you're not trying to get a thousand matches. You're trying to find one. So don't worry if you're not getting that many matches. Right. And by the way, you can even do this with emojis, because I know some platforms don't give you a lot of bio to write. So when I had Grindr, I think I had. I even said, talk to me about colon, and I had, like, a whole bunch of emojis. And the emojis kind of represented things that I enjoyed. So maybe like an airplane or, you know, something like a plant. Spirituality, the yin yang symbol. I know I had that in there. So, you know, that can also help as well. Yeah, give me a reason. That's my thing. If you can give me a reason to message you, that is what I'm looking for. More than just looks. I'm curious. I have a sub question. I said that my. The feedback I got from guys was that I present more seriously than I am in real life. Have you guys got any feedback from guys you've met online about your profile?
• 27:14
  Speaker B: I usually just get people or like, they think I'm a. I'm a huge hiker, outdoor guy, which I am, because I just. A lot of my photos are very outdoorsy. So that's usually the feedback that I've gotten Me.
• 27:26
  Speaker C: No, not really. No. I think most people say, like, I am how I present. But I will say this. I do feel like there have been people who have said that maybe I seem a bit more, like, serious sometimes than I am or something like that. And so, yeah, I have gotten that before. Like, not all the time, but sometimes I'm like, oh, interesting. Okay.
• 27:51
  Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, it's. I used to have a lot of the same kind of photo. And then that's another thing I've done is just switch it up. So there's a lot of different types. Like, some I'm with people, others I'm not. But the first one is like, me, here's my face. So you know what you're getting. I'm not hiding behind anything. You can. You can see everything. Well, not everything, but yeah.
• 28:12
  Speaker C: Okay. But I'll tell you a little secret. So on my. You saw my hinge profile on Grindr, Totally different situation. So my emoji at one point was an eggplant. There was one picture of me which was like, me post gym in the elevator in my little, like, muscle shirt, right? Like, with the pump on. And then like, my hidden album, which has not safe for work pictures in it. And then some Other, like, cool shots or whatever. So it's real and there's no, like, there was no write up. Right. So I was just like, listen, I know where I am. I'm on Grindr. So this is what you're going to get. You know, the sexy, like, edgy side of me. Right. But it seems to have captured a lot of attention and continues to. So that's really fun.
• 29:03
  Speaker A: Yeah, it's like we talked about last week. You don't go into the convenience store looking for a seven course meal.
• 29:08
  Speaker C: Right.
• 29:08
  Speaker A: Convenience store is great if you want a bag of chips. And Reno Reno's got the bags of chips.
• 29:13
  Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. I'm like, listen, I know where I am. All right, so here you go, the goodies.
• 29:18
  Speaker A: Yeah. All right, now, from our audience and listeners out there, tell us what you love to see on dating apps. Let's get a conversation going in the comments here on YouTube of the things you want to see, the things you like to see. Let's make this a positive experience. So we named a few here, put in the comments there, what you enjoy seeing on dating app profiles. Now remember that we continue these discussions in our community events. Every Thursday we host either a sharing circle or a connection circle that you could attend. Connection circles are where you get a chance to discuss the same topics that we talk about here on the podcast with other members of the community in small breakout rooms of three Sharing circles, on the other hand, are larger gatherings where you can share your own experiences and insights or you can just come just to watch and listen. Either way, we have something for you every Thursday. So go to gaymensbrotherhood.com or just make sure you're on our email list and we will email you all the details. All right, let's go to our second question. What is the biggest mistake you see people making on their profiles? Reno?
• 30:18
  Speaker C: Well, I think the first ones are obvious, like if you don't have photos. Right. Which does happen. It totally happens. It's wild to me, but it does happen and I get it. You know, some people are about discretion and want to kind of chat you up first and then send you pics. But if you don't have photos, like, I'm not really checking for you. And if you don't have writing or photos, I mean, if you have something written, I might be inclined to engage with you, make it interesting. But if you don't have either, then no, you know, sorry, I think those two also. You mentioned this earlier, Michael and I really appreciated it. If I can't see Your eyes. That's an issue for me, too. And I get it. Some people are insecure about this stuff. Someone sent me, like, three different pictures of them with sunglasses on, and I was just like, can you send me a picture of you without sunglasses, please? Like, I want to see your eyes. And I get it. I get it. Like, I used to have insecurity about my eyes, too, you know, Like, I understand why is beyond me because my eyes are gorgeous. But, you know, society, conditioning, blah, blah, blah, right? So I totally understand, but it's like, I want to see your fucking eyes, you know? And then there's this other thing I'm going to share, which is like, okay, I have mixed feelings about this, but that. How to win me over. Question or prompt on hinge? I actually don't like it at all. And here's why. I'm not trying to win you over. I'm trying to connect with you. Right? We're trying to connect with each other. And so when I see that and then, like, someone, right. I mean, it depends on, I guess, how they respond to that prompt. But when I see it, sometimes I'll just immediately swipe because I'm kind of like, I'm just not trying to win you over. I'm not interested in that dynamic. And maybe I'm taking it too literally and seriously, but I don't know, it's just not my thing. Thing. When I see it, I'm like, bye. Bye. And the last thing I'll say is when the profile is, like, too curated. Like, there's something about effort and intentionality, but, like, I don't know if you're just, like, posing and flexing and, like, I don't know. It's just like, too. I'm like, no, I'm not into it, you know? So I would say that's my. My short list. I don't know if I'm missing anything. Oh, yeah. Take yourself too seriously. Do that. Yeah, that you will lose me. If you take yourself too seriously, you will definitely lose me.
• 32:59
  Speaker A: This is such a fine balance. I can just hear people listening to this was like, wait a minute. You want me to take it seriously, be intentional, but also not take it too seriously? Like, it's. I get why this is very overwhelming for a lot of folks out there.
• 33:11
  Speaker C: It's tricky. Yeah, it's tricky because. Okay, well. And thank you for saying that, because. Let me clarify, Gus, right? The nuance is this. It's like when you wake up in the morning and you, let's say, make your bed Right. This might be, like, a terrible example. Two people can make their bed in a completely different way. Like, I do it intentionally and playfully. Maybe not seriously. Although last night, it's hilarious because Cam's here, and I was, like, making up my bed, and I got annoyed with him for not putting the pillows up straight. I was kind of a bitch about it. So, like, you know, not one of my sexiest moments, for sure, but. And then there's the person who's, like, playfully making their bed and sort of adorning or curating their space. I think there's a difference in. In energy, I suppose. So, like, I don't know, take a breath. Have fun with it. You know, be playful, be intentional. Right. But intentional doesn't always mean, like, serious. Like, notice if you're getting rigid and anxious as you're creating this profile. And if you are, like, step back, take a breath, take a break, take a beat, and then, like, come back to it again with fresh energy and maybe ask one of your friends to, like, join you. You know, say, hey, like, I need a little bit of help here, because I'm getting a little too in my feels about this. Help me find the fun in me again, you know? Help me see what you see.
• 34:42
  Speaker A: I did that recently with a couple friends. We had had some drinks, and I pulled out my Tinder, and they wanted to see who I had matched with and the conversations in my profile. And it was really vulnerable moment. I was like. And these are, like, best friends. They know, like, literally everything about me, so there's nothing to hide. They were, like, checking me, like, wait, why do you have this? Like, why are you doing this? And why are you doing that? And what's wrong with this guy? Why aren't you talking to him? He's great. And I'm like, really? Is he? But it really opened my eyes to. And I was like, you're right. He is a great guy. Why am I, like, just kind of, like, letting this die on the vine, this conversation? I mean, so if you have that opportunity. And I know a lot of people don't, but that's a great thing about having someone that you can talk to about these things is you can really get that objective opinion and ask these questions that maybe, you know, like the one about me smiling. Like, I didn't have photos of me smiling because I was insecure about my smile. And it wasn't until someone opened my eyes to that, I was like, oh, well, this makes so much more sense, right? So if you can get that, you know, Third party feedback. Go do it. All right, Matt, what's the biggest mistake you see people make on their profiles?
• 35:41
  Speaker B: I have a long list.
• 35:44
  Speaker A: I thought you might.
• 35:46
  Speaker C: I knew it.
• 35:47
  Speaker B: My highly critical self came out.
• 35:48
  Speaker C: And it's so good, though, because I learned so much from you. And you're like, critiques. It's great. So I welcome it.
• 35:55
  Speaker B: But I also. I'm realizing I need to check that a little bit because maybe that's why I'm not attracting people. I can be very critical. Right. And of myself as well, which is likely where it comes from. So, yes, the first one that I wrote down, and these are in no specific order, but Shirtless Overload. Again, I'm not talking about Grinder, scruff, these sorts of places, but on Tinder, if every one of your pictures is shirtless, it's just like, no, Like, I'm not. I'm not down for that. I like to leave a little to the imagination. You know what I mean? So that would be one. And then. So this is a. Probably the biggest one, in my opinion, saying what they don't want. So I see this a lot. It's like, oh, if you're conservative, swipe left, or if you're this or if you're that or if you drink or if you. Right. And that's. They're telling everybody what they don't want. Well, we know how the law of attraction works. It works based off of what you do want, and you. You call that in. So really get clear about what it is that you want and own that and then put that out there. Like, I want someone who's liberal or I want someone who lives sober. Right. Instead of saying, I don't want somebody who drinks. Right. Because it's just going to put people off, in my opinion. And I take that as, like, angry messaging, right? When it's coming from a place of frustration or anger. And I've been there, too. Like, I've even noticed when I sometimes go to change my profiles, I want to go into that energy of, like, this community frustrates me. And I want to just tell everybody how frustrated I am by the community. But I'm like, okay, this is going to totally repel people, because not everybody's going to be in that energy. They're going to be in the energy of love. And I'm seeking and I'm hopeful. You know, we all can catch. Find ourselves in different moments. People that are hopeful and have their heart open to looking for love, they're not going to be responsive to people that are telling the world what they don't want. Right. I think that's a big piece of it. And then just little effort, like, little effort into your profile. Only one picture, no bio, like those sorts of things. It's just, I don't care how attractive somebody is, it's an immediate left swipe. If you, if you have nothing written in your bio, it's immediate, swipe left. Or if it's very little written, I'll still swipe left because I'm not. It's a sign to me that if you're not willing to put effort into the process of finding love, then once we are in a relationship, you're going to likely exhibit that same trait, which is you're not going to put effort into the relationship. So I equate those two things and it's not always going to be that equation. But I do see, like, effort is effort and where we distribute it in certain areas of our lives, it still shows, you know, our character, in my opinion. And then on the other side of that, it would be people that are like, I'm open to whatever, right? Like they're. They don't have any boundary or parameter in what they're seeking. It's just like, I'm open to whatever. And for me, that's kind of like casting a net out. And it's like a people pleasy thing. It's like you don't want to say what you want because you're worried people might reject you or you might not find what you're looking for. So I like somebody to not be too rigid but not too open to be like, I'm just gonna go with whatever, you know what I mean? Because it's like, yeah, it's just not who I am either. Like, I like to have a little bit of certainty in my world. These are just like things that kind of like, they just don't work for me. So not smiling or sunglasses, usually those are like big red flags for me. Dirty mirrors or a dirty background. So like somebody that's taking a selfie like in the. And there's like toothpaste splatter all over their mirror and like, you know what I mean? Like. Or like heaps of laundry all over their bed and stuff like that. I'm like, just. It's showing the opposite of intentionality. Like what you were saying, Reno? It's like, I like somebody who's a bit curated. Like they're going to be mindful of, oh, there's toothpaste all over my mirror. That I'm going to be taking a photo in. Maybe I should clean that before I do that. Right. Because I know for me, that type of thoughtfulness is what I'm drawn to. Like, I would want a man who noticed those fine details and would exhibit that in our relationship. Right. So overseeing those things would be a yellow flag for me. I wouldn't say it's a red flag, but it's a yellow flag. Duck lips. Immediate left swipe. Duck lips. Or like, pretentious energy. Like, it's just. Yeah. Excessive filters is like, one where it's like, you can tell that it's just like, there's no flaw on your face or nothing. It's just like a perfect filter. I'm like, just not down for that. And then the other one is people, like, posting pictures with, like, all your friends, and that's your main. And I. I'm like, who am I even looking at? Right? So it's like, if you have all these people in your picture or again, pictures with, like, you and then you've put an emoji over somebody's face, it's like, come on. Like, just take a picture with just you in it. You know what I mean? Like, there's these. These practices, I think, that are just. They show who we are and the effort that we're putting in. And that's. I want to just also recognize, too, this is me being very highly critical, and I'm sharing this data as, like, you know, I've done lots of research. I've done. I've even taken, like, a workshop on this stuff, like how to exactly curate a profile to find your soulmate and these sorts of things. And this is a lot of information that I've extracted from, you know, so if you want to create a good profile, follow some of these tips. They might lead you to what you're seeking.
• 40:47
  Speaker C: You're so thoughtful. It's funny, a couple of things came up for me, and this is why I love listening to you critique in a way, because I learned a lot from it. And one of the things you mentioned about the mirror splatter, there was a part of me that was like, oh, I'd probably, like, I'd probably let that go. But then I thought a bit more deeply as you were speaking, and I realized it does say something to me about how you operate. Because I know for me personally that if people are leaving mere splatters in the bathroom and, like, that's okay with you, and you are down to live like that, we might have issues. You Know, we'd have to have a conversation. I'd have to really like you, like, a lot and be okay with cleaning up after you a little bit because. Yeah, so I never thought of that, but thank you. And then the other thing I thought was, like, I was like, you kind of sound like what I imagine the universe to sound like in a way. Like, I don't know what. What it was, but you were speaking, and there was something about the precision and the clarity that your filters invited that I think is actually, like, quite powerful. You know, I think there's something to be said about kind of holding all of that lightly and maybe, you know, sort of. Yeah, holding it lightly but, like, honoring it and still having some openness. But I loved hearing all of that. I was like, oh, you know, the clarity that that invites is really powerful.
• 42:18
  Speaker B: Cool.
• 42:19
  Speaker A: Yeah, the clarity is super important because the analogy that I use, you know, I love a good analogy, is dating apps is just like walking through a mall and we're shopping. We're looking for something, right? Let's say it's a. Let's say it's shoes. Looking for a pair of shoes, and you're walking down a mall, and the storefronts just say, store, store, store, clothes, clothes, clothes. Like, okay, whatever. What makes us go into a store is the storefront, the signage. So, AKA what you put on your profile photo, and then something that says, hey, Michael's running shoe store. Like, oh, great, cool. That's what I want. Right? And it's the same thing. So if you are out there not being specific about what you want and what you're looking for, people are just going to swipe right by you because they don't know that you got the shoes.
• 43:05
  Speaker C: That's such a great analogy, Michael. I love it. And you know, to clarify what I was saying earlier and to piggyback on what you just said, it's like, if I go into the mall and I know that I'm looking for a bright orange neon suit, right? That's what I'm on the lookout for. And in some ways, maybe that's what's inviting itself into my frame of reference as a result. Now if I walk past a store and I see this, like, dope sequins suit, and that also turns me on unexpectedly, I might go grab that off the shelf and purchase that instead, right? So it's like, yeah, be clear and also be open. You might discover something unexpected that you're like, wow, actually, this is better than what I thought I wanted initially, you know, but the clarity, I think. Yeah, I agree. Totally, Totally.
• 43:58
  Speaker A: Yeah. And yet I think the thought process is, oh, if I'm too specific, I'm going to. People are going to be, like, not repelled by. But I'm not going to get enough. I'm not going to get enough attention. And it's the actual. It's like marketing. They teach us this in marketing, Right. You have to be specific with your niche, so you're talking specifically to them and not just trying to get anyone and everyone. Like, we don't want anyone and everyone. You want a bright orange suit. But, hey, if there's a sequence, one too, right? So if I'm a store owner, I just put. I have clothes in my store. Reno might come in, he might not. He's probably going to go to one that has the bright orange suit that he wants.
• 44:32
  Speaker B: Right?
• 44:33
  Speaker A: Not mine.
• 44:34
  Speaker B: Yeah, good points.
• 44:35
  Speaker A: All right, what was. I think you guys covered everything that I had wanted to say. So I love all of that. The photos, obviously. I get it, guys. I get that. I don't want this to be all about photos. Okay, well, then don't be on the apps. Okay? We are not falling for someone's. We are not falling for the person. When you're on an app because you don't know them, they're not there. They're behind a screen. You're falling for a profile. Be clear. Like the profile can, if you so choose, lead to a person. That's what this is. I said the same thing last time. These apps are a search engine. They're not where the dating happens. You're falling for a profile until you meet them in person, and then that opens the door to meeting the person. So unfortunately, in this space, pictures matter. Have a lot of them were possible. And it's 2025. Don't give me this blurry stuff, please, please. Okay. Phones have, like, HD 4K. Like, I know you got the phone. Don't tell me you can't take a good photo of you or ask a friend to do it as well. Yeah. My Tinder and Hinge have seven photos. Seven. And then when I was on Grindr, I had three in my main profile, but I also had three separate albums. I had an album that I would send to the tops and have an album that I would send to the bottoms. And then I would have a best of collection, kind of for special occasions.
• 45:57
  Speaker B: I love it.
• 45:58
  Speaker A: I guess besides that, what I would add is how people interact. And I know we're kind of talking about the profile, but, you know, you Guys covered pretty much everything. So I will say something that, as I said in the beginning, a mistake I see a lot of people make and 100% guilty of this is when I'm on an app, it's like I naturally forget how to be a human and how to connect. And the way that I text or message people is not representative of how I would if we were on an in person date where I was meeting them in person in any situation. So I think that is where I have to constantly check myself. And I invite everyone out there to check yourself. When I'm getting full sentences. It goes back to what Matt was saying about effort. When I'm getting full sentences and when I'm responding in full sentences. That is a beautiful thing, right? Versus when it's the impersonal one word. Not putting any effort. Yeah, okay, cool. Into what's up, right? That kind of stuff. You lose me. And again, I'm, I'm sure a lot of you out there have chatted with me on these apps and I've done that to you and I apologize. So I get it. It's. It's when you're in that space, it's really hard to be intentional and conscious about how you communicate and the words you choose. I like, you know, like a lot of us do, volleying the conversation, asking open ended questions, two way traffic is really important. And listen, I don't even mind if it gets sexy right away. That doesn't bother me. But not in a, like, into top, bottom, how big? Like the typical stuff. It's like, if you want to flirt with me, flirt with me. Like, let's get sexy with it, but let's have a little bit of a banter, like a sexy banter. Not just like throwing it right out there. And then my favorite one, I would say, show me that you like me. So I guess the opposite of this would be like if you like someone and you don't tell them or you don't show it and you don't flirt with them. So that's a big mistake is if you are into somebody not taking it off the app and not taking that next level and not showing them you like them. And that's how people get stuck in this app purgatory, I think is they're too afraid. You know, there's the attachment stuff that Matt was talking about. There's a million reasons why and they're valid. And maybe these apps are a good place to work on them. Right? Maybe if you had these issues where you're like oh, okay. I want to make that connection, but something is preventing me look into that. What might that be? What is preventing you from making that next connection? Because I love it. I love it when a guy's like, hey, listen, you're, you seem really cool. Like you're, you're pretty cute. I want to get to know you better. How nice is that to hear that? And I'm like, wow, good for you for having the guts to say it. First of all, even if I don't respond in the same way, if I don't have the same feeling back, they have earned my respect completely. And if I'm going to let them down, if I'm going to say, sorry, I don't feel the same way, I'm going to do it with a lot of love and kindness.
• 48:29
  Speaker B: I want to just say one thing about, like when you start, first start talking with somebody, it really is, should be like ping pong. Like I send you a question, I take a bit of interest in you, you answer and then you have a question and you, that's how you play ping pong. If you're not hitting the ball back, it's going to be really hard. And this is again one of my biggest frustrations. And I'm just thinking right now, like, why do people do this? I think it's likely there's avoidance probably, but it was also that gay men like to, I think, have a lot of guys on the go. Right. And if you have 10 guys that you're talking with at one time, how on earth are you going to give them all undivided attention and ask questions? You can't. Right. And I don't know what people's capacity is, but I have basically a full time and a part time job. I'm like working all the time, so I don't have time to be on the go and chat with 10 guys at one time. Right. I also think it's disrespectful to do that because it's like you're not really able to give somebody, you know, what they deserve. So just be mindful of that. I'm not going to say like, don't have got multiple guys on the go, but it's like, are you actually able to offer your full self and be able to show up for this person and get to learn about their full self? If you've got your fingers in all these different pots, it just doesn't, it can make it tough. So, and then a lot of us might be wondering, well, why, why can't I find the person I'm looking for. Right. Well, maybe we're not putting the effort into the people. Right. In a quality way. We have more focus, more on quantity than quality, and then that might be a barrier to establishing deeper connections.
• 50:03
  Speaker A: Yeah, you nailed it. And one thing I like about Hinge, which I just got on a couple, like, I guess a month ago, is hinge won't let me have more than a certain amount of conversations. They'll kind of say, okay, you've reached your limit. You need to, like, figure out what to do with the ones you already got. Which I actually quite like. I'm like, oh, you're right. You know, I need to figure this out. So either I meet them or, you know, I unmatch them if it's not a match or something, and then it kind of filters that out. Because I think you're right, Matt. I mean, at least for me. That definitely speaks to me sometimes, is there's too much on the go. I'm already a very quick guy. So again, slowing it down, I think will lead to a much better experience.
• 50:40
  Speaker B: Yeah. Do you guys. I have a question for you. Do you guys, if you're going to unmatch from somebody, do you let them know or do you do anything, or do you just unmatch?
• 50:49
  Speaker C: Just sometimes, but generally not. I mean, because at that point, if it's gone stagnant, like, I don't know, I'm just like, okay, you know, like, I, I, I think it goes without.
• 51:01
  Speaker A: Saying, yeah, I'll review the conversation again to see, like, okay, what? Like, do I need to give this a second shot? Do I need to, like, rekindle this if I want to? And I'll look at it and kind of suss it out and say, yeah, no, I think I gave this the shot. I want to give it. Or sometimes I'm like, oh, yeah, I kind of forgot about this. This guy. I should, I should see what he's up to. And then I'll let that sit for, like, a day or two. And if they still don't reply, then I'll just unmatch.
• 51:25
  Speaker C: I've never met someone, someone who was actually interested in me as a person. Right. Whether, like, relational, like sexually or in terms or romantically or even just in friendship. I don't know that I've ever met someone who was. Maybe this isn't fully true, but I think so. Who has just kind of left me on red, like, in life, you know, like, if someone's into me, they're into me. And if they're not, they're not. And I would say vice versa, more or less. Right. So I don't know. I just kind of look at it that way, I guess. I'm like, it's pretty clear to me pretty quickly, you know, whether they're into me, whether I'm not into them. And I. Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes I'll be a little more lenient in moments of, like, lenience. I don't know. But, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my filter.
• 52:17
  Speaker A: One thing that I've noticed recently, and this is a tough one, but I get wanting to get off the app, but if you want to get off the app to get onto another app, then I'm like, okay, like, follow me on Instagram. I'm like, are we all just here looking for people to follow us on Instagram? Like, it's. And it's. Sometimes it's very clear to me, like, because they don't engage with me. They're like, okay, follow me on Instagram or chat with me on Instagram. I'm like, why would I chat with you on that app when I can chat with you on this app?
• 52:40
  Speaker C: Yeah, no, yeah, no, no, no. That happened to me once, actually. And I was just like, yeah, let's go over to Instagram. Then I followed him, but we didn't even message on there. And I'm like, this is stupid. So I unfollowed them there. Unfollowed him on the original app. I was like, goodbye. I'm not doing this.
• 52:57
  Speaker A: Yeah, I think. I think a lot of guys out there are using these things as filters to their Instagram just to build that following.
• 53:03
  Speaker B: Unbelievable.
• 53:05
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 53:05
  Speaker A: All right, guys, any last thoughts?
• 53:07
  Speaker B: No.
• 53:08
  Speaker C: No.
• 53:10
  Speaker A: Okay. Well, to our viewer and listener, thank you for joining us today. I want you guys to go back and play back this episode as many times as you need. And if you're looking for, you know, personalized advice with your profile, come to the workshop. I want to thank you to Matt and Reno for providing, as always, your wisdom and insight reminder that this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. So if you enjoy what we're creating here, you can support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. Or if you are watching us on YouTube, just go ahead and tap the thanks button and you can send us a donation that way. By the way, guys, you can also subscribe to listen to the episodes before they are released publicly. You can do that on Apple by going to the early access option, and then you get access to the episodes about two, three weeks before they are released. All your support helps us to continue making content for you and supporting the community. So we thank you so, so much in advance and we hope to see you at our next event. Thanks.