Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 692: Yes, Your Ex Is Suffering Too!

Transcript

Episode 692: Yes, Your Ex Is Suffering Too! · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:01
  Do you want your ex to suffer? Well, some of you probably do,
• 0:04
  but I know most of you probably don't.
• 0:06
  Either way, the fact is, if they broke up with you, unless
• 0:10
  they're in pain, they are not going to reconsider their
• 0:14
  decision. It's been shown that people will
• 0:18
  do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure.
• 0:23
  So how can you know if your ex is also suffering?
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  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
• 0:30
  Hi, this is the Chia with the art of love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
• 0:34
  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
• 0:37
  And welcome back my beautiful no contact army.
• 0:41
  Have you been a good little soldier?
• 0:42
  If you have, then you've downloaded my app Silencio.
• 0:45
  People actually say it helps them during no contact just to
• 0:49
  see the days going by. So the link to that is
• 0:52
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 0:56
  And if you too would like to join the No Contact army, all
• 0:59
  you have to do is hit the subscribe button and the bell
• 1:01
  notification and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
• 1:05
  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
• 1:09
  you purchase the book. So keeping in mind what I just
• 1:14
  said about people doing more to avoid pain than to gain
• 1:19
  pleasure, here's a comment that someone wrote underneath one of
• 1:23
  my YouTube videos that will illustrate what I'm talking
• 1:27
  about. OK, so they said my ex jumped
• 1:30
  into a rebound and continues to ring and text.
• 1:34
  By ring they mean call. For those of you who don't know,
• 1:37
  I never answer or initiate contact.
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  All I do is ring back but put the phone down before she can
• 1:44
  pick up and then fall back into no contact And I go, why are you
• 1:50
  ringing back? Especially like calling back and
• 1:53
  hanging up like, what is this? And they go, well, just to show
• 1:56
  I'm not ignoring her. Nobody likes to be ignored.
• 1:59
  However, what she's doing is breadcrumbing and I'm very close
• 2:02
  to blocking her so I can move on.
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  And I said every time you call back, you're breaking no
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  contact. And yes, I know no one likes to
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  be ignored. That's the whole point of no
• 2:14
  contact. You know, people come up with
• 2:17
  all kinds of wacky ideas and theories as to how they should
• 2:22
  handle no contact in order to get their X back.
• 2:25
  And you don't need to reinvent the wheel.
• 2:28
  You just need to listen to people like me who know what
• 2:32
  they're doing and who've helped people get their X back.
• 2:35
  Otherwise you're just getting in your own way.
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  Your ex will not be suffering if they know that you're still
• 2:41
  focused on them to the point where every time they call, you
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  call back, even if you hang up on them, which is crazy.
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  Well, not hang up on them and just hang up.
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  It's like, yeah, she doesn't want to be ignored and that's
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  why you got to ignore her. You got to cause pain.
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  You got to cause suffering. When you're in no contact, you
• 3:02
  are giving your ex the time to face the consequences of their
• 3:06
  actions, meaning they ended the relationship.
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  They broke up with you. Before they broke up with you,
• 3:13
  it was just a concept in their mind, but now it's actual
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  reality. They wanted you out of their
• 3:18
  life, at least romantically, and voila, you're out of their life.
• 3:23
  And when someone breaks up with someone, it doesn't always feel
• 3:26
  the way they thought it would feel.
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  They thought they would be happy.
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  And yeah, they may be happy for a bit.
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  Until they're not. And your silence is what is
• 3:39
  going to make them doubt their decision.
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  And that's when the pain and suffering starts.
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  Which is why it's so important to get into no contact and stay
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  there. And that's why I'm so adamant
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  about not breaking it. And if you're anxious and can't
• 3:55
  control yourself and you want to reach out, then what you should
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  be doing in no contact is working on your attachment
• 4:01
  style. You should be focused on you.
• 4:05
  That way, whether they come back or not, at least you'll have
• 4:09
  moved to a more secure attachment style now.
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  Keep in mind that they can't question their decision if they
• 4:17
  know that they can have you back at any time.
• 4:20
  It's only when they realize that you're gone that they'll ask
• 4:24
  themselves if they made the right decision.
• 4:27
  And even if your relationship was toxic, which most
• 4:30
  relationships aren't, there will still be something that they'll
• 4:34
  miss or many some things. If you were together for years
• 4:38
  and years, there's a reason you weren't together and miserable
• 4:41
  the whole time, hopefully. So there's going to be a lot of
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  positive things that they'll miss even if they decide to
• 4:48
  break up with you. So when you do no contact, you
• 4:52
  give them the gift of feeling the same separation anxiety that
• 4:56
  you're feeling. So what are some signs that
• 4:59
  they're missing you and that they're in pain?
• 5:02
  Well, I will give you a couple of them if your ex is looking
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  extra happy on social media. If it appears that they're
• 5:11
  exaggerating their happiness, then they're probably in pain
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  and they may be trying to convince you that they're happy
• 5:19
  after the breakup, or maybe they're trying to convince
• 5:21
  themselves, or both. But either way, it's usually a
• 5:24
  sign that they're suffering. Otherwise, why would they need
• 5:27
  to exaggerate their happiness, right?
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  Confidence is quiet. The quietest person in the room
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  is the most confident person in the room.
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  The loudest person in the room is the most insecure person in
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  the room. So by exaggerating their
• 5:42
  happiness on social media, they're not being quiet.
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  They're being very, very loud, which shows that they're
• 5:47
  actually not that confident in their decision.
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  And it shows that your ex is still concerned about what you
• 5:54
  think, which means that they're not 100% sure about the breakup.
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  Otherwise, why would they care about what what you think?
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  Why would they care about showing you how happy they are?
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  They would just be busy being happy.
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  And then another sign is that they actually tell you that they
• 6:13
  miss you. And when they say I miss you,
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  that doesn't mean I miss you and I want to get back together.
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  They're just saying they miss your absence and your energy.
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  They're missing you in that moment and they're hoping that
• 6:28
  you'll respond and reassure them that you missed them too and
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  you're still there for them. But if you do that, you'll
• 6:36
  relieve their pain. And again, without pain, they
• 6:40
  won't have an incentive to come back.
• 6:43
  And I've actually done a whole video on how to respond to the I
• 6:47
  Miss You text with about like 40 different responses you can
• 6:51
  give. And I'll put the link to that in
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  the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  So as you continue to stay in no contact, they're going to be
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  concerned that you would replace them or will be replacing them
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  sooner rather than later. They thought you would reach out
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  at some point since that's what most people do when they're
• 7:09
  dumped, right? So they're going to figure that
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  you've accepted the breakup and are looking for a replacement or
• 7:16
  you've already found one. Yes, I know they wanted to break
• 7:20
  up, but everyone has an ego and no one wants to think that their
• 7:23
  ex has found someone else, especially if they themselves
• 7:27
  have not found someone else. That's why after about 30 days,
• 7:32
  you want to do the two drink or two plate trick where it clearly
• 7:37
  shows that you're out with another person, obviously, but
• 7:43
  they don't know if it's a date or if it's family or if it's a
• 7:47
  friend. So don't show the person, just
• 7:49
  show the drinks. You can show a body part, an
• 7:51
  arm, a leg, or you can even post a group photo and make sure that
• 7:57
  you're standing next to someone hot.
• 8:00
  That way they can wonder what's going on.
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  So if they're already having doubts about the breakup, this
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  is the thing that could break them.
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  And finally make them reach out to you.
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  Even if you don't get an overt reaction.
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  Trust me, it affected them on some level.
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  Someone can break up with you and still be upset that you're
• 8:20
  moving on. Both things can be true at the
• 8:22
  same time. Remember, when it comes to
• 8:25
  matters of the heart, there's no logic involved.
• 8:29
  So be sure to cause your ex pain if you want them back.
• 8:34
  OK now I want to hear from you. How long have you been in no
• 8:39
  contact and how is it going? And in the meantime, if you
• 8:42
  would like my help to get your ex back, you can contact me at
• 8:46
  theartoflove.net/coaching. We will send you the rates.
• 8:50
  They're not on the website and I don't have a schedule.
• 8:53
  On the website. You get concierge service with
• 8:57
  me. You get the personal touch.
• 8:59
  We respond to your e-mail and guide you through the process.
• 9:03
  It's not automated. I believe in the personal touch.
• 9:07
  And if you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe,
• 9:11
  and share. If you're listening to this as a
• 9:13
  podcast, please rate room, review and find.
• 9:15
  And remember, Love inspires, empowers, uploads and
• 9:19
  enlightens.