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When Your Friend Starts Feeling Like a Different Person · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:57
  Alex Alexander: Have you ever been hanging out with a friend, someone that maybe you've known for years, someone you have so much history with, and it's a great hangout. You're having a good time, things feel normal, and then something happens, or Like this doesn't feel like my friend. It feels like my friend maybe they say something, and it's just this micro moment in has changed, but also maybe not because like 95% of the hangout felt completely normal, but that 5%-that 5%-you just can't quite shake it." Today's episode is not a friendship breakup the overall hangout. But you have this moment where you're episode. Nobody did anything wrong. Nobody blew up the friendship. There was never some big confrontation or fight. In fact, the friendship is technically still there.
• 2:42
  Alex Alexander: The person you're friends with is probably still in the room or like, "Wait, what? And then the hangout keeps going, and most of still in the group chat, but something is off, and you can't quite put your finger on it. And here's the thing that I don't
• 2:55
  think gets said enough: it would honestly be easier sometimes to be friends with someone who is completely different than you, it feels completely normal.
• 3:06
  think gets said enough: You're laughing at the same than to grieve this, and what I mean by that is, if you became friends with someone who, let's say, upon getting to meet them, you realize very quickly, oh, their political beliefs very different than mine, right? Or their lifestyle very different jokes. You're talking about the subjects you normally chat than mine. You go into that friendship knowing that you kind of build your friendship around it.
• 3:32
  think gets said enough: Maybe if your values just don't align, they're never going to be your closest people, but you can coexist with them in a group setting, you can push back when there really is something that about. It feels very familiar, but maybe another small kind of you just feel like, "Wow, we need to debate this." If their lifestyle is so different, you hang out with them in certain settings, but maybe when they're going on like those big trips, you don't go. You're not surprised, but when someone that you have felt so aligned with for a long time starts to shift, like micro moment happens. You leave that hangout, you go home, and it doesn't really feel like a good shift. And you're left thinking, "How did we get here?
• 4:10
  think gets said enough: And what happened?" When you have been friends with someone for a long time, you have built up what I call a lot of roots.
• 4:20
  think gets said enough: and although it felt normal and you had like such a fun time Now, a quick overview for anyone who has not heard Episode 12 or who's not picked up a copy of my book, Are We Friends Yet? Both of which are linked in the show notes. Roots are this concept that I use to talk about what is holding our friendships with your friend, part of you just can't shake those two together. There are three types of roots. The most basic overview is that shared experience roots, shared interest roots. These are the ways that you spend time together, the things you do, the topics you connect over.
• 4:53
  think gets said enough: Emotional intimacy roots. These are the details, the things you little moments that happened during the hangout, and you know about each other, the big and small intimacies you collect. Your shared history, your memories, and then the third kind is what I call story roots. These are your beliefs and expectations about these friendships. Here's what happens when you have been friends with someone for a really long time.
• 5:14
  think gets said enough: start to think to yourself, "Is that who I'm friends with?
• 5:15
  think gets said enough: You have accumulated a lot of roots, decades of roots potentially, and maybe some have died or withered in the past. I go really deep in the book about this, talking about how friendships change over time.
• 5:31
  think gets said enough: So, for example, let's say when you were college friends, right?
• 5:51
  think gets said enough: One of your shared interest and experience roots was maybe going out to the frat parties all the time, and now if you're friends a decade or two later, that's probably not a shared interest 50 things feel like the person that you've always known, always you have anymore, and your root withered, died, changed, and now been friends with. But there are five things, five things that just don't line up. Something they said that surprised you, a value that surfaced that you're like wait we've talked about this before and that's not what you thought where did that come from a way that they show up that feels off and this could you hang out at each other's houses in the backyard for have come from anywhere I think something to note here is that this could come from actually a place where they're also struggling so if somebody is, let's say, in a situation of barbecues. You go on walk dates together. You joined a movie abuse or addiction, it could be making them say or do things that do not align with the person you have known for a really long time. But they're also struggling. That's why I say, like, it's not that they're necessarily a bad person.
• 7:41
  think gets said enough: Another example could be that maybe your friend has been club. You play poker with the neighborhood. Things have hanging out with a new group of like work colleagues, and they've never valued just like monetary success stuff, like accumulating the big house, the RV, the car, the boat, the more, shifted. Things have changed, and you were able to adapt to more, more, more, more.
• 8:04
  think gets said enough: Maybe that's just never been how your friendship is. And now they're saying things that make it sound like that is suddenly something they're really striving for. And it's like, wait, this is not ever who you've been. It could be some that. Like it's very normal for roots to die and wither, and sort of ideology. Maybe this is a friend who went and stayed with their great aunt and uncle for the summer, like they went and stayed at their beach cabin somewhere, and are coming home talking about things ideologically that you're just like never, never has this been you. Where did this come from, then you grow new ones if you have been friends with someone so when they say those five things at a hangout that for the most part feels normal, but those five things just are not.
• 10:00
  think gets said enough: I think you feel sometimes a little crazy because you go home for a long time. But I think that sometimes there are the and you think to yourself, "Wow, so much of that felt familiar, but there are a couple things that just underneath the surface, I don't think I can ignore those, and maybe you do.
• 10:13
  think gets said enough: Maybe you ignore them for 1, 2, 3, 10 hangouts. But at a certain point, this is just becoming a pattern where every time your changes where it happens, and you're just kind of like, "Wow, brain is latching on to these few things that just do not feel aligned for you, and obviously some roots have changed, right?
• 10:30
  think gets said enough: Some details you know about your friends have changed, but not every root has changed. Here's an example of like a change I this doesn't even feel like growth. Like something feels so would consider a very normal change, not a concerning change, not one that would hopefully I think set off any alarm bells for you. I'll use like a personal one, right? If a friend who used to love chocolate chip cookies, but has recently found out they have a dairy allergy, that means that you can't bring off here." I'll give you an example. Let's say you're at a the favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe you have always brought to their birthday party for the last 15 years," because if you do, they can't eat them.
• 11:11
  think gets said enough: So they're probably going to be a little like, "Ooh, I guess thanks for remembering the hangout, and 50 things happen that feel familiar.
• 11:18
  think gets said enough: cookie recipe, but I'm kind of sad because it's my birthday and I can't eat my favorite cookies, and I'm already having to deal with this lifestyle change because I have a dairy allergy." That is a root.
• 11:30
  think gets said enough: like a detail you know about a friend that you need to let die and replace with new information. Right, you have to find like a new way to surprise and delight them. That's just an You know, I think we can gaslight ourselves a little bit update. That's just something new that you know about them.
• 12:36
  think gets said enough: and say, "No, no, it's fine. I'm just being dramatic." But I think if it happens enough, you should listen to that gut feeling, and I think that this is a very specific kind of grief here that doesn't really have a great name, because it's not the grief of a friendship that ended. It is the grief of That's a root adjusting, but that I think is different than watching someone you love become someone you don't fully recognize, but the friendship is still there. But the person you became friends with, you're not really sure they are, and you're not really sure that this new version of them feels very aligned for you. So this could be, like I mentioned earlier, a when something really core is shifting under the surface-a friend that you are really worried about them dealing with addiction or something harmful.
• 13:21
  think gets said enough: It could be a friend who went through something traumatic and came out very different, but like not in a positive way. You know, maybe they came out and they're just kind of mad at the world. And they used to be a value, a pattern of behavior, something that feels harmful to really kind person, and now honestly, they go out like looking for ways to mess up somebody else's day or wreak some havoc, right?
• 13:49
  think gets said enough: They feel like they aren't in control, so they want to cause some chaos for everybody else.
• 13:52
  think gets said enough: It could be a friend who maybe hit a really big life milestone that they were working towards.
• 14:00
  think gets said enough: them or to others. That is a different thing entirely. That They got married, they had a kiddo, they released their book, they got that job they finally wanted. Let's use that one. I like that example. They made VP of marketing. They've been working so hard for this for a long time, but they're six months into this role, and they completely feel like they have is still a root withering, but the fact is, it's like so lost their spark. Like the life got completely sucked out of them, and they just can't quite figure out how to be themselves like they used to be.
• 14:37
  think gets said enough: And I think in any of these situations, the slow creep is the hardest part because, especially if you see this disorienting because it is happening inside a friendship person regularly, you're catching just like the incremental shifts, versus if you don't see this friend for six months or a year and you get back together, then you might walk up to them, chat with them, and you're just like, "Whoa, you are a completely different person than the last time we that still has so many familiar roots. You're not starting from hung out." Instead, if you see this person regularly or you talk to them regularly, you just have this slow accumulation of very small wait what moments, and at some point you look up and you realize I don't fully know who this person is anymore, zero. You're watching something change inside this friendship.
• 15:26
  think gets said enough: and so I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're allowed to grieve that, even if your friendship is still technically intact, even if nothing happened, you're mourning a version of a person, and I think that's real. So once you've sat with that grief for a moment, you do eventually have to decide what to do with this friendship.
• 15:45
  think gets said enough: I think you have three options.
• 15:47
  think gets said enough: Well, 95% of it still feels familiar, and I think some of us The first one is a friendship demotion. You don't end the friendship; you just stop actively pursuing it in the way you once did. So, if this is a person that you always called to like get together with on the weekends, maybe it's not every weekend anymore. Maybe it's a couple times a month. Maybe you find some other ways to connect with some new people for feel a little disoriented.
• 16:14
  think gets said enough: yourself, right? You like add some people into your world.
• 16:18
  think gets said enough: Maybe you suggest that this friendship, you know, you and this friend join a run club together, and that's really actually where you spend most of your time now is maybe more in a community setting. I think this could especially be a great way to handle this if this is somebody that you think is struggling, and you're hoping that they will get themselves And if this is something you're interested in, I did an entire out of the abusive situation, that they will actively pursue episode about friendship demotions. It's Episode 45 and you can head there. Your second option would be what I call a friendship pause. Now, this is not a manipulation tactic. This help for their addiction, that they will get whatever help they is a temporary, intentional step back. I would only use this if you want to invest in this friendship long term, but you feel like whatever pattern you and this friend are stuck in, it need. You know, you want to be around them, you want to be needs a moment to reset. An example of this: I had a friend who was really struggling with some family stuff, and every single time we got together, that was pretty much available, but you can't make somebody go to rehab. So you all-consuming for our hangout, and this probably happened for about a year, and finally at the end, I mean, we had talked about it so many times. Finally, at the end, I kind of had a very direct conversation with her, and I just said, "Hey, I feel would love, like, if they told you they wanted to go, you'd be like you are really struggling with this.
• 18:41
  think gets said enough: We have talked about it in so many different ways, and it feels like it's the exact same.
• 18:44
  think gets said enough: And I think because I listen to you all the time, you keep coming to me with a problem. But I actually think we need to just take a month or two and not hang like, "Get in the car. I will drive you. I will check in every out. And you need to find somebody else who is maybe going to give you better tools or advice, or a therapist or professional, like somebody who is going to help you get out of day. I love you so much," but they aren't in that place yet.
• 19:09
  think gets said enough: this cycle, because I can't do it, and it's really draining our friendship. But I want to be friends." We set a date that we were going to connect again.
• 19:18
  think gets said enough: Again, this is not a punishment.
• 19:21
  think gets said enough: It was breathing room for us to try and get out of this pattern.
• 19:21
  think gets said enough: This might, in my opinion, be a great way to like shift this I go into this more in Episode 136 and then your final option is ending the friendship.
• 19:32
  think gets said enough: Sometimes the change is so friendship. You're not initiating as many like deep significant, it's harmful, it's unsafe, that you decide this just isn't something you can continue, and that is a very valid choice, and it's also allowed to be sad, even when hangouts, one-on-one hangouts, but you are still actively it's right. There's no wrong answer here.
• 19:54
  think gets said enough: You can pick whichever one feels right to you, depending on what changed, how significant it is, how it's impacting you, what you trying to see them in a way that feels a little bit more want out of your life. Which is why I can't tell you to just do one or the other. I think it really is a self-reflection type sustainable. The run club example, right? Your hangout moment. Now you're going to spend some time mourning this change, and that's okay. That's appropriate. But something I like to talk about a lot is instead of being 100% consumed would be really focused on the run. It gives you something to by the loss because I think that can happen to people. I know what's happened to me when I've had a friendship breakup in the past. I like to talk about the idea of adding something to your friendships to your wheel of connection. So my suggestion to talk about. It would give you something to connect about.
• 20:45
  think gets said enough: you would be to think about what you loved about this friendship before the shift. What did it give you? Was it the person you could call every day?
• 20:55
  think gets said enough: Was it one friend in your life who completely understood a niche interest of something that like you feel like nobody else in your life cares about? Was it someone that you just. You really felt aligned with. Was it a friend who was always down for just kind of a random adventure, and they made you feel spontaneous and fun? Was it a friend that you got together with every Tuesday night to play pickleball, and that was your chance to get out of the house, forget about the pile of laundry and the dishes and the things-you know-that was your like two hours a week to just play pickleball and take a deep breath.
• 21:35
  think gets said enough: Whatever that is, you still deserve that in your life. So what I always like to say is that instead of being really entirely consumed by losing it, like absolutely take time and mourn the loss of it, and the shift, and the change. But I think if you spend some time getting clear on what you're actually missing, it is easier to keep your eyes open for somebody who could be a part of that in the future. I'm not saying you're going on a mission to replace this person, and you're absolutely going to have to mourn the end of that friendship, especially with someone you were friends with for like decades, and you decided to end the friendship.
• 22:16
  think gets said enough: This isn't a like forget about all of this and replace it. I'm not trying to be no toxic positivity here. It's just that when you've spent a little time mourning this friendship, if you can spend a little time reflecting, then it is easier when you walk out into the world every day.
• 22:35
  think gets said enough: That maybe when you're talking to someone and it's like a friend of a friend, and they're talking about how much they love pickleball, you might have found someone you can connect with and recreate that in your life because you deserve to have that type of connection if it's what you want, and I think that you are way more likely to find what you are looking for if you even know what you are looking for in the first place. I really hope today's episode maybe I don't know validated a feeling that I think we've all felt. I know I have felt this in a variety of intensities. Sometimes it's really subtle and it kind of passes. Sometimes it feels all-consuming and it really does feel like I have to make one of those three choices about this friendship. I think any friendship changing is hard, but the honest truth is that every friendship is changing all the time. And unfortunately, even if it's a friend we've had for a really, really long time, we don't get to control all the changes. There are two people in this friendship, and if the other person has some sort of shift in their life, you can be on the receiving end of it. And I hope this episode today maybe gave you some ideas for how to manage being on the receiving end, if that happens to you. So, with that, I'll see you next week.
• 23:55
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.