Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Be Fair When You Prefer One Kid's Interests/Activities To The Other(s)

Transcript

How To Be Fair When You Prefer One Kid's Interests/Activities To The Other(s) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to talk
• 0:11
  about when your children have different personalities and how
• 0:14
  the activities that you do need to, you know, keep in mind both
• 0:19
  children versus some people end up going toward one side you
• 0:25
  know the child who's more like them or the child who's less
• 0:28
  annoying or something. So so we'll be talking about
• 0:32
  that before we do, please do subscribe.
• 0:35
  Addition to the recent episodes that I always talk about is a
• 0:38
  whole bunch of other ones. There's about boundaries,
• 0:41
  there's about fantasy responses and talking communicating with
• 0:45
  your partner about what you secretly actually want them to
• 0:47
  do and how transformative that could be.
• 0:49
  I'm not talking about, just in bed either, there's stuff about
• 0:53
  couples and money their stuff about what women want in bed,
• 0:57
  what men want in bed etcetera. So anyway, subscribe and also
• 1:03
  join my Facebook group where there's a lot of interesting
• 1:05
  chat. About stuff like psychology
• 1:08
  topics, so anyhow, oh, and also follow me on medium.
• 1:13
  If you don't do that, I am on medium.
• 1:14
  If you like to get your articles that way.
• 1:17
  So back to the topic at hand. So a lot of people have siblings
• 1:23
  with really different personalities to them and they
• 1:26
  felt when they were growing up that the The Sibling always got
• 1:30
  prioritized and The Sibling may have liked academic subjects
• 1:35
  more on the To prove that more or maybe the The Sibling was a
• 1:39
  good athlete. And so, the parents were always
• 1:41
  doing athletic stuff, because they themselves like that, or
• 1:44
  they were proud of it. But either way, there are a lot
• 1:46
  of people that I see as adults. That really felt like they got
• 1:50
  shafted as kids because their sibling was always prioritized
• 1:55
  because of the siblings personality or interests being
• 1:59
  more aligned with those of the parents or just more, you know,
• 2:03
  impressive in some way if it was Each conscious parents then they
• 2:07
  would really like to do things that were, let's say going to
• 2:10
  see the quarterback playing as football game vs, you know,
• 2:14
  staying at home. And with you who really just
• 2:16
  liked watching TV. So like there are people who are
• 2:20
  like, literally my parents never did the thing that I wanted them
• 2:23
  to do because they were always going with the sibling.
• 2:26
  So we don't want to replicate this because this leads to a lot
• 2:28
  of sadness early out later on among adults, when they always
• 2:33
  feel like they were not the prioritized child and In the
• 2:36
  favorite in a like, it is the favorite and in a sense of
• 2:39
  behavior, how the parents treated, or how they lighted
• 2:42
  their time, but frequently these kids still felt loved, they just
• 2:46
  never really got the amount of time that the other kid got and
• 2:49
  this can lead to resentment and sadness.
• 2:53
  And also self esteem issues because you don't really think
• 2:55
  that you're that important. Now, some parents today did grow
• 2:59
  up like that. They wanted to be totally
• 3:01
  different now so they really do like this kind of one-to-one
• 3:04
  Correspondence. Would you don't have To make
• 3:06
  yourself insane. You don't have to make sure that
• 3:08
  like if one kid as to extracurriculars after school,
• 3:11
  the other kid also has two extra curriculars.
• 3:13
  Not three, not one doesn't really matter.
• 3:15
  We're just going to find to know, that's just a stupid,
• 3:18
  right? I mean, that's like, completely
• 3:20
  arbitrary. And that has to do with nothing
• 3:22
  in, as much as your own anxieties, then your parenting
• 3:25
  out of anxiety. We don't want parents to get out
• 3:28
  of anxiety, that things have to be, even Steven all the time
• 3:30
  because the world doesn't work like that.
• 3:32
  But even a first good step for a lot of parents would
• 3:35
  Acknowledging that there is a differential in how much time
• 3:39
  they're spending with each kid because you are unless you're
• 3:43
  like super anxious. Like I just said you got your
• 3:45
  like, basically an internal spreadsheet.
• 3:47
  Tracking how much time you spend with each kid?
• 3:50
  This is of course easier with fewer kids.
• 3:52
  So two kids going to be a lot easier to do that with that for
• 3:54
  kids. Then you know, you you have
• 3:58
  really no idea and you haven't really thought about it
• 4:00
  probably. So it would be a good thing to
• 4:02
  do. Overall is to think about how
• 4:04
  much time do you spend And engage in each kids interest and
• 4:08
  it, you know, if you like even just kind of think about it
• 4:12
  objectively which is hard as a parent because you're so bound
• 4:15
  up and being a good parent. But if you think about it
• 4:17
  objectively or you even like make a little list of the amount
• 4:20
  of stuff that you do with each kid, you may be surprised that
• 4:24
  it is really way too toward one or the other and also the
• 4:27
  rationales that you have invented for that such as well.
• 4:31
  Like this one is just a really good dancer and can go really
• 4:35
  far and so they Need to get to a dance classes, a week.
• 4:38
  And so I need to be there is the mom.
• 4:40
  Like I can't really send my husband because he doesn't know
• 4:43
  about dance and so blah, blah, blah, blah blah.
• 4:45
  So this stuff like usually when there's like a big disconnect,
• 4:50
  it's because the parent is thinking that there are these
• 4:55
  like, like that a child is so talented that the parent becomes
• 4:59
  anxious about not allowing the child to live up to their full
• 5:04
  potential and their full Talent. So if a child is very good at
• 5:07
  sports and some way very good at academics, very good at, who
• 5:10
  knows what then the parent feels that if they do not give the
• 5:15
  amount of time necessary that they feel is necessary to this
• 5:18
  child growth and development than they are like really doing
• 5:23
  wrong by this child and the child has this potential to be
• 5:27
  so gifted in this regard and go so far maybe even got a college
• 5:31
  scholarship. Whatever the case may be that
• 5:34
  the parent becomes consumed With it.
• 5:36
  And if this is happening, it's also really good to do a deep
• 5:39
  dive internally in therapy or just on your own about what you
• 5:43
  personally are getting from the engagement with this
• 5:46
  particularly talented child. It's frequently and it's not
• 5:50
  talked about as much but it is kind of taboo to say that you're
• 5:53
  living through your child. But a lot of people are
• 5:56
  obviously doing that. Otherwise it wouldn't be like a
• 5:58
  cliche. You know, people can see when
• 6:01
  their parents did it to them but it's much harder to see what
• 6:05
  It's happening in real time between you and your child.
• 6:09
  You know that you for example, never got like youth, you are
• 6:13
  pretty athletic but nobody gave a shit about driving you to
• 6:16
  practice. So you didn't get to maximize
• 6:18
  your full potential and now when one of your kids and not the
• 6:21
  other is athletic, you're going to devote your entire life to
• 6:25
  driving them places because you on some level are kind of
• 6:29
  parenting this child in the way that you wish that you were
• 6:32
  parented. But then you maybe also
• 6:34
  forgetting that if Parent had driven you to every practice,
• 6:37
  like, you wish that they would have, they would have had no
• 6:39
  time for like themselves. The marriage the other siblings,
• 6:43
  your other siblings, Etc. So it's good to kind of think
• 6:47
  deeply about what you are trying to personally Rectify by this
• 6:51
  large time allotment to to one child.
• 6:54
  Now, there are some situations. Of course, there's not always
• 6:57
  where there's this. Like, child was amazing at
• 6:58
  something. Sometimes, it's just, our
• 7:00
  children have different activities and interests.
• 7:02
  And in this case it is hard. Like, for example, if you're
• 7:05
  somebody See who really likes go to sports games but really hates
• 7:08
  doing art. It's really hard to say that you
• 7:12
  know, you shouldn't get season tickets to the game and it said
• 7:15
  should sit around coloring, you know?
• 7:17
  I mean, it just doesn't feel like something that you want to
• 7:19
  do and there's multiple ways to deal with this.
• 7:21
  First of all, like, parents are allowed to split up and do one
• 7:24
  thing with each child, like the one who likes to color can
• 7:27
  color, sometimes doesn't always have to color with the child.
• 7:29
  Of course, the other one can go to the game, sometimes with the
• 7:32
  other kid and everything doesn't always have to be A complete
• 7:36
  family unit things can be divide and conquer.
• 7:38
  That's totally normal things. Just get bad when parents do
• 7:41
  that all the time basically because then the parents never
• 7:46
  spend any time together as a couple and things get way too
• 7:48
  child Center, but it is certainly something that can be
• 7:51
  done, you know, is to split up. And so then each child does get
• 7:54
  to do some of their thing but also like you may have to it
• 7:58
  really helps to be honest with yourself.
• 8:00
  So if you're somebody who like knows that your kid really likes
• 8:03
  art and so your kid would really like to go to the I mean, you're
• 8:05
  not a museum kind of person. It's so much easier to deal with
• 8:10
  that. If you lie to yourself, you
• 8:12
  know, and you tell yourself that you're not going to the museum,
• 8:17
  because the Museum's too far away.
• 8:18
  It parking is too expensive. And you need a whole afternoon
• 8:20
  for that versus like, going to like play catch with the other
• 8:25
  kid constantly so that when you think about it, you know, the
• 8:30
  museum would be like, you know, five hours and you could do
• 8:34
  quarterly and you Still go play catch with the other kid like a
• 8:38
  lot just like a half hour at a time and then but but most
• 8:41
  people don't like think about it in terms of actual time
• 8:44
  commitment. They just hate the thing that
• 8:46
  they don't like so they come up with a million reasons not to do
• 8:50
  it. And that's how I end up with
• 8:52
  adult clients who say things that are accurate.
• 8:54
  That like I really wanted to go to the museum but my mom would
• 8:58
  never ever go ever, you know, or I mean and it's not funny like
• 9:03
  it's funny for us, adult children.
• 9:05
  Aaron that are like, wow. Like it, like, it like crazy,
• 9:09
  you know, like when you think about it, like my expectations
• 9:12
  were not that high and like just do it like never ever happened,
• 9:16
  you know? So, like, like there are girls,
• 9:20
  whose mother never took them shopping.
• 9:22
  That's like, all they wanted to do.
• 9:24
  Never went with them to the salon.
• 9:26
  That's all they wanted to do was have like a mommy-and-me day.
• 9:29
  They never did it. And like, if you would ask the
• 9:32
  parent, the parent would be like, oh well, I didn't.
• 9:35
  So such a big deal and or I was busy with the other sibling, who
• 9:40
  had these other things, that kind of I'm much more thought of
• 9:42
  as necessary. So you don't want to be that
• 9:45
  person, you know. So a good thing to do is to take
• 9:49
  a really practical view of this. Like as a special thing every
• 9:54
  quarter, let's say every, you know, so it's 4 times a year or
• 9:58
  less. You've got more kids and more
• 10:00
  work, whatever, two times a year, you can make sure to do a
• 10:04
  special day with each child. Child where you do their special
• 10:07
  activity that they would really like and or every weekend you
• 10:11
  could have a special hour or two with each child, where you just
• 10:15
  do the thing that they like to do.
• 10:17
  So as I've talked about other parenting podcasts and pose, the
• 10:21
  this special time is supposed to be time where you just do and
• 10:25
  you could do this like 10 minutes a night.
• 10:26
  That's where I've talked about it before, it's a really good
• 10:29
  way to connect with your kid, especially a little kid is 10
• 10:31
  minutes. A night of no instruction, no
• 10:34
  correction. No Direction, no questions just
• 10:38
  literally doing an activity that your child likes to do.
• 10:41
  Well for older kids who have more established interest than
• 10:44
  just playing then you can expand this into having a special day
• 10:49
  where you really just plan something that the kid would
• 10:51
  really like, now what you wish the kid would like.
• 10:54
  So it's not like taking the kid who really wants to go shopping
• 10:58
  at the mall. Let's say, you have to spend a
• 11:00
  million dollars but, you know, shopping at the mall can can be
• 11:03
  like a range of stuff from like spending.
• 11:05
  I'm like, you know, 25 bucks to spending like 2,500 bucks and
• 11:09
  you could be wherever you want in that.
• 11:11
  But um, so like if your kid really wants to go to the mall
• 11:14
  and that would be their special day.
• 11:16
  Don't convince yourself that they really like fashion.
• 11:19
  So instead we're going to go see this documentary on you know a
• 11:24
  big fashion designer that isn't what they want to do.
• 11:26
  That isn't the thing. So do the thing they want to do
• 11:29
  is to go have day at the mall. So you would do that.
• 11:32
  Even if you hate it you would just do it and you feel So good
• 11:36
  after you do shit, you hate. As long as you don't do that all
• 11:39
  the time, I even have a podcast or a post or something, don't do
• 11:43
  stop, you hate it, like doing stuff.
• 11:45
  You hate all the time. It's a good way to perpetuate or
• 11:48
  even start depression but doing stuff that you don't
• 11:52
  particularly like, sometimes because you're in a relationship
• 11:55
  with either your child or your partner, or whatever.
• 11:58
  That's called being a good person, so do that, you know,
• 12:01
  like even if you don't like something, you've got to do it
• 12:03
  sometimes. And Particularly, if you're
• 12:07
  doing it with the other child. So, your kid is in saying, oh
• 12:11
  well, that's okay that mom never ever takes me to the mall
• 12:14
  because she's a like them all, you know, she does like, you
• 12:17
  know, Trivial Pursuit which my brother likes.
• 12:20
  So I totally understand why my mother plays Trivial Pursuit
• 12:23
  with my brother once a weekend. And never has taken me to the
• 12:25
  mall ever, and or only takes me under duress.
• 12:28
  And with sulking about it, and judging them.
• 12:31
  All like that, kids don't think like that.
• 12:33
  They think either mom was my brother more than me.
• 12:35
  Or mom is hates me or or just I don't feel comfortable in this
• 12:41
  home, you know. Like this isn't a place where I
• 12:44
  am felt feel love and approval and I can't wait to get the fuck
• 12:47
  out of here. And none of these things are
• 12:49
  good things for your child to think.
• 12:51
  So, when you are thinking about what you want to do, to show
• 12:55
  your children that you love them, it really should have very
• 12:57
  little to do with your own preferences ongoing.
• 13:00
  Sure, if you like bike riding, you could teach your family your
• 13:03
  kids, whatever, to take long bike, Rides, great, that's nice,
• 13:07
  you know but don't convince yourself.
• 13:09
  That is something that they want to do.
• 13:11
  You know what they want to do is the stuff that they asked to do
• 13:16
  and so this isn't like like you should be doing that all the
• 13:20
  time either like okay never bike ride only play the board game.
• 13:24
  They want, of course not, it's a balance but what I'm really
• 13:28
  addressing is parents, who very much struggle with picking one
• 13:32
  kids less preferred to them activity.
• 13:36
  Because they find so much more like personal satisfaction and
• 13:41
  with the other kid wants to do and this is more common than you
• 13:45
  would think and you certainly know it's common if you're like
• 13:47
  oh yeah that's how my life went and you may even be the
• 13:51
  preferred kids or the preferred activity kit.
• 13:54
  So you may look back and be like, yeah, you know, it's
• 13:57
  interesting to my mom always did drive me to dance all the time.
• 14:00
  My sister was always complaining about that.
• 14:02
  I just thought she was being a brat but what did My mother do
• 14:06
  with my sister as much as she drove me to dance.
• 14:08
  I guess. Nothing like that.
• 14:09
  Would be a very useful Epiphany because people that find it,
• 14:13
  hard to divide things, egalitarian, among the kids
• 14:18
  usually grew up you there with either as an only or was enough
• 14:23
  of an age difference like basically seven plus years in
• 14:26
  the literature to be considered an only and or had a hierarchy
• 14:31
  among siblings like the like, what?
• 14:34
  I'm describing. So they go.
• 14:35
  Grew up with either having everything done for them because
• 14:40
  they were the only kid around or the youngest by a lot or the
• 14:44
  oldest by a lot or they were the kid who was in a situation where
• 14:51
  the kids were not treated fairly, you know.
• 14:53
  So then it's very familiar to them to subconsciously that
• 14:57
  nobody says, I don't want to treat my kids fairly but it is a
• 15:00
  familiar thing to have kids that do not get equal time or
• 15:04
  attention because that's how How they grew up they could be on
• 15:06
  either side of that when we got more attention to the one who
• 15:09
  got less attention. So people who grew up feeling
• 15:12
  like oh yeah, might like people say to me like this isn't like a
• 15:14
  pipe dream. You know, people say to me oh
• 15:16
  yeah my parents divided a pretty equally among me and my brothers
• 15:19
  and sisters their time and their energy, and their money and
• 15:22
  whatever. So that can happen.
• 15:25
  And I'm really doubting that. Those parents had a spreadsheet
• 15:27
  where they were like writing down all these activities is
• 15:30
  just a general feeling and that's another thing to watch as
• 15:33
  your tone and your affect when. Discussing one kids interest
• 15:36
  versus another kids interest. So if the kid who like likes
• 15:41
  reading like, you talk to them for Infinity time about books.
• 15:45
  But the kid who likes comic strips like you won't talk to
• 15:48
  them about that because you don't think that that is like
• 15:51
  interesting or academic or intellectual.
• 15:54
  So this kids always like drawing comic strips and you don't give
• 15:56
  a shit but like, you'll talk to the other kid, who's like
• 15:58
  writing their own book, you know, or whatever, or loves to
• 16:02
  read. So you got to watch.
• 16:04
  Also the tone in how How you frame it because frequently when
• 16:07
  siblings, bully one, another, they're taking something from
• 16:10
  what they hear about, what the parents are actually feeling
• 16:15
  about one kid versus the other, so they will say the unspoken
• 16:19
  thing. So like one sibling will look
• 16:21
  down on the other siblings activities because they're
• 16:24
  picking up on an unspoken or semi spoken, you know,
• 16:29
  disapproval or contempt from a parent.
• 16:32
  So, the parent may not say, God, you're so Who did to it to one
• 16:36
  of the kids. God, you're so lazy.
• 16:38
  Just sitting in your bed all day, you're reading those comic
• 16:41
  strip books but the sibling picks up on the I roll on the
• 16:44
  side and then they say to the other sibling, man, you're so
• 16:48
  lazy. You're so useless, whatever.
• 16:51
  So when there is sibling bullying, which is an actual
• 16:53
  thing and bad and and it's something that is increasingly
• 16:56
  catching the attention of you know mental health care as a
• 16:59
  whole that this is important and not just something to be written
• 17:02
  off. It's usually because the kids
• 17:04
  are learning something. At home and how the parents
• 17:07
  think about one kid. Alright, so a lot of information
• 17:11
  there and hopefully stuff that helps you shape how you are
• 17:15
  parenting and how you're thinking about one kid versus
• 17:17
  another kid. And please do of course,
• 17:20
  subscribe. And if you're a subscriber,
• 17:22
  please do comment with what you want my podcast topics to be
• 17:25
  that is a benefit of being a subscriber.
• 17:27
  I put you right to the top of the list.
• 17:29
  All right, talk to you soon. Have a great day.