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Empty Nest Syndrome: Is It An Invitation to Something Bigger? · The Menopause Disruptor Podcast

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Hey, this is Mary, your host of all things menopausal.
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we are at season two.
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And it is also the month of October, which is recognized as world menopause month, a time to build awareness and to courage conversation and more education around him.
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Very important phase in a woman's life.
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I am so pleased that you're here.
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And this episode is about something very important to me that I'm experiencing.
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I'm going to share it in the context of storytelling.
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To build that awareness and have that conversation.
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if this is the first time that you're landing on this podcast and haven't been falling on real time.
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Welcome.
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For those that have been following me in real time.
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And you're probably wondering where did I go in the month of September?
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Well, my family took a much needed holiday for three weeks To tour around Italy and Greece.
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we brought the daughters with us along with their boyfriends.
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What a wonderful vacation.
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It was so hard to come back.
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Especially coming back, knowing full well that we were moving my daughter out of the house.
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For university packing up all of her stuff To start her life.
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In her new apartment with her boyfriend.
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And I was in complete denial that she was leaving.
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So when we finally came back, It was with such heaviness.
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And so I thought what a great way to start off season two.
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by being open and real and honest, and sharing with you.
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My story.
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About empty nest syndrome and hopes that something I will share can help you or maybe resonate with you.
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You've already gone through it.
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But wherever you are at.
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In this stage in life and let's face it.
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Many of us moms will go through emptiness in term or we're taking care of loved ones.
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On the other end or parents, the sandwich generation.
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Wherever you might be at, even if you don't have children of your own.
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There is.
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A message in here as we go through the changes in life.
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That are similar to emptiness syndrome, but they happen in many aspects of our lives.
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And I'm going to get into that in this episode.
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So I'm so happy for you to join.
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And I encourage you Please join the Facebook group.
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If you want to have more.
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Personal.
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Intimate conversations.
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And share information about the menopausal journey.
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My face book group is called personal and universal.
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I love to have you joined me.
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So as we got back last weekend and literally just happened last weekend that we moved my daughter.
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I must have cried for a solid 48 hours.
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It was such a heaviness on my heart.
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I was just consumed.
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And now I'd heard about empty nest syndrome.
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But until you're going through it, walking through that fire.
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You can't actually feel the intensity of it.
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Well, let me tell you it was intense.
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And so I poured over the internet.
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Dr.
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Google trying to find all kinds of information.
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On it and what to do, but it from.
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You know, sites like the better up or a good therapy.
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Insight psychological, even some health sites such as the Mayo clinic, for example.
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And then I landed on calm.com that beautiful meditation app.
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They have great articles on their blog.
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And so I wanted to take all the snippets of information I found.
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And compress it into what I hope to be a really helpful.
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And informative.
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Episode.
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So let's dive in.
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Shall we.
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I think a great place to start is defined what emptiness syndrome is.
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And then look at.
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Different stages and phases.
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Of the emotions that come with emptiness syndrome.
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by definition, emptiness syndrome.
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It's not a clinical diagnosis, but rather an emotional phase that many parents experience when they're.
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Only child or their last child leaves the home.
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It can evoke these feelings of grief and loneliness.
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As us parents, we confront this shift in our roles and the loss of our daily connections with our children.
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It's a big change and it's completely normal to feel a mix of emotions.
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Sadness loneliness and even a sense of redundancy.
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And I'll get into that.
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You know, after all, as parents, we've devoted years to be actively involved.
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Raising our children involved in their lives.
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And now that chapter has come to a close.
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So, what are we going to do about it?
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I think it's really important first to understand that phases of emptiness syndrome.
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This can be so immensely beneficial one because it helps you recognize.
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The strange emotion that you're going through.
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And to be able to accept that it's happening.
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This is a healthy way to move through each of the stages.
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I find that it allows me permission.
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Too.
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Allow that sensation, that feeling and going through to happen.
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And to let it come up.
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And then.
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Not deny it, or if you will, or shove it away because That can be terribly unbeneficial and emotionally unhealthy.
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In the long run.
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So by recognizing these stages, you can see where you're at with the hopes of knowing that this the next stage will come.
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And then this too will pass.
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How long does emptiness syndrome last?
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Well, that's very personal to every individual.
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Of course.
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Some, it could be just a few days.
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Others have to move through it over several weeks.
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And I've even found the references said it can last up to two months.
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And it's a form of grieving too.
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So again, give yourself permission.
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But recognize what each of these stages are and those stages, the first.
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Is denial.
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That initial shock that can lead to this.
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Disbelief about your child moving out.
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I for one had gone through denial under vacation Fortunately, the vacation helped me suppress that because I was having so much joy.
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being in Italy and Greece.
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And so I could shove that emotional way.
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But getting closer to the end of that vacation and coming home, this.
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Denial was coming up like, oh my goodness, this very next weekend.
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After we get off this airplane within a few days.
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We're packing everything up.
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Uh, loading up the trailers and heading down.
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To move my daughter out.
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But.
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In denying myself.
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They're privileged to experience this new phase.
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I felt that it was making the situation worse.
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The important thing is to acknowledge and accept these feelings.
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This is a normal response.
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The denial is normal.
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And denial.
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Is met with the hardest part.
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And for me, this was terribly heavy.
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Anger and sadness.
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I was angry at my spouse.
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I mean, he had nothing to do with it, but I just felt this.
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Boiling up emotion that needed to come out.
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So I was getting angry.
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At silly things and for no reason, and I'm still doing it.
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But I'm now recognizing that this is part of the empty nest syndrome stages.
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So after that denial has happened and.
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Physically in our case, physically seen the space change.
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It has completely emptied right out.
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All of her, furniture's gone.
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Many of her clothing, actually, almost all of it is gone.
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Every little sign and detail that she ever existed in the house.
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Most of it is gone.
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And.
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this is when the grief came in and it is okay.
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So when you're feeling this sadness and this anger, some of the healthy responses is to share these feelings with a trusted friend.
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And let me tell you, I poured my heart out with my husband one day expressing just.
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How heavy it felt, it felt good to cry like that as well.
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And man was, I saw big, big.
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Bucketfuls of tears.
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And finding a trusted friend.
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Maybe you can talk to, I even had a good cry out in public.
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I'm sure people who are gazing over thought what is happening here.
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But I think most of us are compassionate enough to recognize.
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When somebody needs to be.
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Consoled in there in their grief.
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Even working it out with a counselor.
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And I've said this before in previous episodes.
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Cognitive behavior therapy, working with a counselor, a therapist is so beneficial.
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For menopausal women because of so many changes that are happening that are hard to work through.
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At therapist, we could again be a family member, a loved one.
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They don't have to be.
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Board certified.
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Somebody who can just take that.
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These feelings, that pain, what you're expressing and reframe it.
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In such a way that it brings you a better perspective.
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That to me is therapy.
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So work through those emotions with someone.
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And recognize that the anger and the sadness is all part of it.
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Moving on is the acceptance stage.
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And that is when we gradually find yourselves accepting this new reality.
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And then seeking.
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New joy in our lives.
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And I'm going to get into that in a moment.
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But figuring out how can we now feel our space, like physically in our house, it was fill that space.
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And bring joy.
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Or fill that void in our lives and in our hearts and find new meaning.
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You know, when we moved Jillian out, her bedroom was completely empty.
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I mean, there was echoes in the room.
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It was daunting.
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And.
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As I started to accept this new phase.
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I just haphazardly, maybe subconsciously.
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Thought well, what a great.
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Place to move.
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Some of the outdoor furniture in just for now as a temporary.
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And we have this cute little metal bistro set that sit on, sits on our front porch.
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And the weather's starting to turn fall like, and it's damp.
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And.
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Very windy.
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And I said, it's a great time now to bring that in.
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So I just subconsciously brought it right into her front bedroom where her bedroom was.
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And set it up this cute little.
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Uh, Italian Cafe and I pulled out these two tea cups.
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Of my grandmothers.
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Yeah.
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I tend to hold on to things.
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Not everything.
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I'm not a hoarder.
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But there are little items that I still hold on to.
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If my grandmother's.
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My mom's and even my daughters still has a few little things lying about.
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But in this particular case, I set it up like this.
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French bistro.
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And it helped me move from some sadness quite quickly into acceptance.
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Accepting this new reality, accepting that I have to do something with this space.
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And that brought me some joy.
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And then the fourth phase is renewed perspective.
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This is when we embrace this new chapter with open arms.
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Reluctantly.
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You're not, some are just elated.
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Let's face it.
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Some.
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Are cheering.
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We're empty nesters.
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Hooray.
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Let's celebrate what's front around the house, like children, ourselves.
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Not the case for me.
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So.
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Having this new found perspective.
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And for me, it was that new perspective of looking at this empty space down, figure out what I can do about it.
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This is an opportunity also for fresh starts and planning for the future.
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And I'm going to get into that.
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So if these patterns of anxiety and sadness linger, it's essential to note that these feelings are valid.
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The good news, there are effective strategies to help you move through the empty nest syndrome.
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Four steps, four things that you can do.
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And these are four things that I pulled from some of the reference material that I found online.
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It's been helpful for me.
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And I'm hoping that you'll get some benefit out of it as well.
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And the first one, and I say this a lot.
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With menopause in general.
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Focus on self care.
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Treat yourself with the same love and attention that you've given your children.
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We spend years of putting our children, our loved ones first.
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And now it's your turn to start a new hobby.
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take up a yoga class that you've been thinking about.
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Join a gym.
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Start a dance class, maybe go to the local community club and take up art.
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Whatever it is.
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This is your time.
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Don't feel that empty space now with doing more scrolling on Facebook.
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Um, and I've caught myself.
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I've been doing more Wordle, more New York times, crossword puzzles.
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I mean, it's great for the brain but it can come at a detriment if I'm using that.
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As a crutch to fill the time.
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And quite honestly, This is hard work, self care.
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It seems like self care having a bubble bath.
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Oh, so luxurious, but honestly for us, women is so hard because we have spent so many years.
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Denying ourselves as simple pleasures.
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And so now is your time.
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Now is your time to.
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Try something new.
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But remember put yourself first.
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And one of the things that I have been doing.
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Or self care.
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Is.
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To practice.
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Some self-compassion.
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And way back in season one, the very first episode.
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We started off on a talk on self-love.
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It is so important because we are the root of everything.
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And if we are not caring for ourselves or take care of ourselves, In such a way.
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That we can be a benefit to others.
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And what good are we?
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So put yourself first and give yourself permission to do so.
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And that leads to the next one.
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And that is rediscovering old passions.
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I found this.
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Heaviness in my heart because.
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When I asked myself, what did I enjoy or what did I do before parenthood?
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Well, I was in the military.
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I was in uniform.
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I was serving.
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Active duty Canadian armed forces.
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And in fact, my daughter, she was conceived when I was deployed on a tour.
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And it was during the time off that you get to meet with your loved one.
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And we were touring around Greece.
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And oops.
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She was conceived.
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And I will say that touring around Greece on this recent vacation and pointing out to my daughter.
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You know, different places that our father and I had gone to brought me so much joy.
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It was, but it was, it.
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Big feeling of melancholy.
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And I had to stop myself because I quickly was going to that place of, oh my goodness.
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I'm going to be an empty nester soon.
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And then asking myself, what did I enjoy before she was born?
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Well, Before I had bladder issues as a result of pregnancy.
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I was a serious, long distance runner.
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It brought me joy.
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Fitness's always brought me joy.
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Um, but I did find myself lacing up my running shoes the other day.
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And I went out for a run.
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And now I'm making plans to do more distances.
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with my stepdaughter, who is a marathon runner.
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So that was me in her shoes literally several years ago.
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So.
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Rediscovering.
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Oh passions.
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What brought you joy before?
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What purpose did you have before?
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And this can be really tough work.
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For many women to reconnect with their old selves.
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It's important to take that time.
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and silence and quietly.
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Um, meditation or get some introspective work, sit down and journal.
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And take the time to say, who am I?
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Who was I then?
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And who will I be today?
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And tomorrow.
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And this leads to the next tip.
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And that is to plan for the future.
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This can be planning for exploring new hobbies or planning to get out with your friends more often.
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Even if you have plans that have been put aside, now's the time to see.
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Plan for your educational goals.
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What was that course that I've always wanted to take.
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Either at the community college or online.
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This is your time to find new found passions.
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It's new found time, literally in your schedule.
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From my husband and I, we get really, quite excited about planning for our next vacation.
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I mean, literally getting off the plane.
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And we're already talking about, okay, where will we go?
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Next?
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Spain, Portugal.
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We have always wanted to go see Ireland.
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I like to go back to Germany again, We were getting excited about planning for.
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Hikes with the dogs on the weekend.
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Like where do you want to go walk with the dogs this weekend?
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Let's go out on this hike here.
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We've never been on this hike before.
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It's been years.
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Well before parenthood, since we've done this hike.
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So planning for the future is a great way to start shifting.
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Your life out of that heaviness of being an empty-nester in, into a new opportunity.
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With this new found time, this new found space.
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And then the last tip I want to share is to build your support network.
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This is so very important.
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I know I've talked about this before.
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Women need a community of women to get through.
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The transition to share a nurse stories because it helps validate or symptoms.
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It helps validate.
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Our emotional and our mental experiences or physical experiences when we have those open conversations with honest conversations.
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Just the sheer little stories.
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through our journey.
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And in those stories and experiences, we're helping each other so important.
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We are social creatures.
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And we need to strengthen our social connections for our mental and emotional wellbeing.
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So reach out to friends, old friends, new friends.
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Loved ones, relatives.
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And share with someone who can relate with you, this profound lifestyle change of yours and.
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Maybe can share in part on you.
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Some of.
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Some of their tips and tricks to get through it.
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You know, one of the things that I did recently.
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My support.
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Network, fortunately has been with a yoga studio.
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Right.
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Both practice and teach a class.
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And in this particular season on teaching a bar class, And I was just leading a class two days ago.
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And we like to share often.
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No.
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I'll put in a little remark in my classes about hot flashes or sore achy joints or stiff muscles.
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But I do so in such a way as to inform and educate, but build.
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A sense of awareness without sounding too lecture-y but more, insightful and enjoyable.
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And in this particular class towards the end, when I was allowing the participants just to lie in stillness, to assimilate all their hard work from the class.
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I was recounting my heaviness of empty nest syndrome.
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And I saw one of the ladies not in the corner.
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And I said, While you're lying here.
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I want you to lie here in gratitude and appreciation for your hard work during this bar class.
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And your commitment just to show up.
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Because gratitude really can shift our emotional energy or frequency or vibration.
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And.
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Allows us to go into that heart space.
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So I shared with them that in my emptiness syndrome, grief and pain.
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I had to go into the heart space, using gratitude as a tool as this little secret.
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Weapon, if you will.
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To help us.
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Move past.
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Uh, state of.
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Low energy to a state of high vibration.
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And so gratitude has been.
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The most important thing that I can do in this moment.
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But to be able to share that with the social connection that I have created, and it's been afforded to me, the gratitude I have for that.
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Helped me.
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Except some of the grief, the sadness that I had been moving through.
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Now I do want to elaborate a little bit more on gratitude.
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When you're feeling that heaviness and sadness.
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Place your hand on your heart.
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And I made this reference in.
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A few other episodes in season one, Definitely.
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When we talked about self care and self love.
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When you can find that moment of stillness in gratitude and give thanks for the opportunity for parenthood, the gift.
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Of being a mom.
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The joy and the gratitude of the years of raising the child and the gratitude for the young woman.
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In my case, my daughter, or the young man that you have raised.
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This is such a beautiful practice of self care.
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That you can move past.
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Some of the heaviness and those four stages.
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Of the emptiness syndrome, the empty nest.
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Grieving process, if you will.
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If you are in that feeling.
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Right now have empty nest syndrome or have gone through it or.
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Anticipating it to come.
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I really do hope that this episode has brought you some.
21:05
At Feis or some feeling of connection.
21:09
And you can relate to the stories.
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Please share it with a friend.
21:15
A loved one who could use some of The Sage advice of empty nest syndrome or of any of the things that we talk about on all things menopausal.
21:24
I mean, this really is a platform to bring in.
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Experts and to share stories.
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Maybe my stories.
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Stories of others.
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About women's health and the woman's journey, you know, elevated philosophy says that the.
21:37
Midlife transition.
21:39
From peri-menopause through to post-menopause.
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Is stepping into the age of wisdom.
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So I say it's time to get wise, get wise with each other, open up that conversation and share in that dialogue so that we can feel comforted and not alone.
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And they sensation in this pain.
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Of empty nest syndrome or in the challenges of going through menopause, because this is a great opportunity.
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To birth a second spring.
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If you will.
22:06
to find.
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New purpose and rediscover a piece of us that we've maybe put away on the shelf.
22:13
While we were parenting.
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And now it's time to dust that back off.
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And be experimental.
22:19
Explore.
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How'd that childlike spirit.
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As Robert Green says in his book mastery.
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It's really as a time.
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For mastering.
22:31
Mastering menopause, for example.
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And on that note.
22:35
I do invite you to check out.
22:37
My new digital course.
22:39
Menopause intelligence.
22:41
It is a online self-paced self-directed course.
22:45
That covers eight modules, everything.
22:48
From the.
22:49
Science of menopause and our biological changes in her body.
22:52
To the spiritual hope person that we are the energetic and emotional person.
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That we are, as we move through this time in our lives.
23:00
When hormones are changing.
23:02
When our roles in life are changing and we're just rediscovering these new opportunities.
23:07
This new growth and strength.
23:09
So do check that out.
23:10
I have a link in the show notes.
23:12
For my.
23:12
Digital course menopause intelligence.
23:15
And if you want to learn more about that.
23:18
Consider booking A free consultation.
23:20
Call To ask questions, to learn a little bit more about our offerings.
23:24
I offer one-on-one client coaching.
23:27
Small group classes and coaching.
23:30
And of course my new digital course.
23:32
I am so thankful that you are here.
23:35
You've joined me.
23:36
You're here for season two.
23:38
And again, like I said, if you're landing on this for the first time, welcome, welcome listeners.
23:43
New listeners.
23:44
Welcome back old listeners.
23:46
Go back and listen to some of those older episodes that you've never had a chance to listen to.
23:51
There's so much that we cover from heart health, physical fitness, pelvic floor health.
23:57
Aerobatic practices.
23:59
And the lineup of guests that I have coming up in this season.
24:02
Are quite amazing.
24:03
We cover it all.
24:05
From the mental, physical, emotional, spiritual whole person that we are.
24:09
I am so glad to have you here.