Latest / Becoming Irresistible / Season 2, Episode 21: How to Build a Culture of Habit that You Never Inherited.

Transcript

Season 2, Episode 21: How to Build a Culture of Habit that You Never Inherited. · Becoming Irresistible

• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Becoming Irresistible.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Jay.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking about exercise the other day, and I realized something that I don't think I'd ever really thought about before.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I really didn't grow up in a culture of exercise.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say that, I don't mean that no one ever told me that exercise was good for me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I knew exercise was good for me.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much everyone knows that exercise is good for you, but it's not the same thing to grow up in a world where exercise was just part of life.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: When you get up and you exercise, because that's what you do.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's important to spend some time on because we tell people all the time what they should do without thinking about whether they ever learned how to live that way.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Some people grow up exercising.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Their parents exercise, maybe they play sports as kids.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: They know how the gym works.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: They know what it feels like to work out, they know what clothes to wear, they know what to do when they're sore the next day.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a part of their life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So from their perspective, they look at somebody who doesn't exercise and thinks, why don't you just exercise?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that hard.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because it's not just exercise for everybody.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I started thinking about this because I've had a lot of barriers to exercise over the years.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: My skin is one of them.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I had really, really dry skin.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, had doctors who told me you shouldn't be taking a shower every day because it's unnecessarily strips your skin of oils that it needs.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Exercise means sweating, and sweating means that I'm probably going to have to shower.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people have barriers that you don't even have a clue about.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's daycare or childcare responsibilities.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's prioritizing something that seems more important at the time.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it is a mistake when we look at someone who's struggling to do something and assume that it's as easy for them to do it as it is for us.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it really is not.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I started to wonder how do you create a culture for yourself that you didn't inherit?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And exercise is only one example of this.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: There are probably things you grew up with that I didn't, and things that I grew up with that you didn't.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't even notice most of them because that's what culture does.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: It makes things feel normal.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Think about college.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: In my culture, everyone went to college.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it wasn't if you were going to college, it's which college were you going to and which master's degree were you going to participate in, or medical school, or law school, or engineering school.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't about just getting into college.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so if everyone in your family goes to college, you probably didn't spend your childhood wondering whether people like you go to college because that idea is normalized.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now imagine, though, that you're the first person in your family to ever go to college.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's a completely different experience.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to do the same thing as the kid sitting next to you, but you're not in the same starting place.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: They inherited a map, and you have to make your own map.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think we need to give ourselves a little more credit when we're trying to make the map.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because being the first person to create something in your family is hard.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be some enormous achievement.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the first person who exercises consistently.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, one of the things that helped me was seeing a cousin in my family who did exercise consistently.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't in my culture or the rest of my family's culture, but I saw him do it.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so I thought, well, if he's doing it, why shouldn't I do it?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the first person who talks about things instead of refusing to talk about them.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're the first person who decides you're going to take a dream seriously instead of treating it like something to do only if no one's looking and there's time left over.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, you are entitled to create a new normal.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's really key.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the gym recently and worked out for an hour.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's not remarkable to somebody who's worked out five days a week for the last 20 years, but it can be remarkable to someone like me who hasn't done that for the last 20 years.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because every time I do that, I'm casting a vote for a new normal.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm casting a vote for the culture that I'm going to leave for my child.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I think this episode is so important.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: We have to decide as parents what is the culture that you're going to leave for your child.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying that this is something I do now.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm choosing that this is something I do now.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't get to the gym tomorrow, that doesn't suddenly mean I'm not that person anymore.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's another thing about culture.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't stop being a part of your culture just because you missed Tuesday.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You come back to it.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe that's how we should think about change.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not can I force myself to do this every single day for the rest of my life?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: But can I make this part of who I am and how I live?
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as a parent, you understand that your children are watching you create their normal.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: My son may not know that exercise wasn't normal for me growing up.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And he doesn't have to know what it actually took for me to get there.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: But if he grows up seeing me go to the gym, walk the dog, work out at home, whatever it is, then his starting point is already different than mine.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's pretty incredible when you think about it.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Something can be difficult for one generation to create and completely normal for the next generation to inherit.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And it made me think about what else I'm creating without realizing it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does my son see me do that I didn't see growing up?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: What am I making normal for him?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And probably more importantly, what am I making normal for myself?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because we talk a lot about breaking generational cycles.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And usually we say that when we're talking about something negative, but you don't only have to break things.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can start things.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can decide this begins with me.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Not because there's something wrong with the people who came before you.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: They had their own lives, they had their own barriers, they inherited their own culture.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to reject where you came from in order to decide where you're going.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can keep what you love and build what was missing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe there's something in your life right now that you've been struggling to turn into a habit.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe the question isn't, why can't I make myself do this?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe ask yourself something different.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did I ever actually learn to live this way?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because if the answer is no, then you're not failing at a habit.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're just trying to build a new culture.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're building a new culture, it's going to take some time before it feels normal.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're the first one.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody has to be.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I truly believe people can change, but it's not always simple.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a lot of commitment, courage, and consistency.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: There always has to be somebody who is brave enough to commit and to be consistent in order to start a new culture.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And today that somebody can be you.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can build a culture that you didn't inherit.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's a part of becoming irresistible.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't grow up in certain cultures that I want to inhabit.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Cultures of exercise, of organization, of routine.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: These are cultures that I didn't inherit.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: In other families, I've seen them inherit a culture of exercise, one that I never understood.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I never saw people going to the gym every day.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in the deep south.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, what I saw was a lot of southern home cooking and dessert after every meal.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't inherit that culture of exercising and eating healthy.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to bridge today.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do you inhabit a culture that you want to step into, but you've never been a part of that culture?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's really hard when you're building a new map for yourself.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine those explorers who set foot on the Americas and had no idea what the terrain looked like and had to figure it out.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't know if they were going the wrong way or the right way.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: They just went forward and then they made the map, and everybody who came after them found it easier.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's sometimes what happens.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes they run into these giant mountains, barriers.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's always some kind of barrier that's preventing you from getting into that culture.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the cost is so high that the effort doesn't feel worth it.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And exercise is just one example.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason I'm bringing this up is I want you to consider another way to look at it.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is the culture I want my child to inherit?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I understood that I wasn't born into this culture of exercise or organization or routine.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I also understood the power of them.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that exercise was good for me and would be good for my child.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted my child to inherit that culture.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that routine would help my child to fall asleep easier.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so in order to help my child, I decided I had to adopt a culture that was unfamiliar to me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I had to make the map.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I had to build the culture.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard to do sometimes when you're the first person to do it.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to help you here because I realize sometimes we're so focused on the cost barrier, on the things that are making it so hard for us to enter a culture that we want to inherit, the culture that we want to be a part of that we don't do anything at all.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I want to offer you this.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think about what it is you should be doing right now.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself instead, what can I do?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: What one thing can I do right now to move me closer toward that culture that I want to be a part of?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: When I first started going to the gym, I went because I found a friend that I liked talking to.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I told myself, I'm gonna go to the gym so I can talk to my friend.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't particularly want to be there.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't care to go the days that she wasn't going, but it helped me to start going to the gym.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: On the days that I couldn't go, I walked around my kitchen aisle and read a book.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't really care to do exercise, but I realized that I didn't mind walking when I was reading a book.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I walked and exercised at the same time.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I attached that habit to something that I like doing.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then I realized I could do that.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: What's really remarkable is that when I went to the gym today, I talked to four people and had conversations with them.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I realized that I was a part of this culture now, that I am a part of this culture now.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it didn't happen overnight.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: It happened because I decided that I wanted to be a part of that culture.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I did the things that I could do even with my barriers to move myself a little closer to that culture.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, over time I found ways to deal with my barriers.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, I found motivation to go for myself and not just to see a friend.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, it became a part of who I am and something that I do, and something that my son is watching me do.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And one day you may realize that the thing you used to have to convince yourself to do is just simply a thing you do.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I want this for you because I realize something else.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of good reasons to do something, but I think there's something that matters more.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you want your best, most irresistible life, you don't want to meet that life and feel uncomfortable showing up for it.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to get invited somewhere incredible and think I'm not the person who belongs there.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an imposter.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be in that picture.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not like the other people here.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because you don't feel like you belong to the culture that you're stepping into, to the life that you want to be in.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying you have to be perfect in order to do this.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not my point.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: But just like when I show up at the gym and people acknowledge me, I'm not in perfect shape yet.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: But I can proudly stand there and say I'm working on myself.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I belong here.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they've seen me do the work.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen me do the work.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Just like the baby stands there in their potbelly and their diaper and they're happy because the only thought they have is I belong here.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is my world.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you don't have to be in perfect shape or in perfect organization or perfectly routine or perfect in any way.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you don't have to have everything exactly perfect or have it all together in order to stand there and feel that you belong there, that you deserve to be there because you've put in the work to be the best version of yourself.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's so much that other people make us feel that we don't belong there.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's ourselves.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because we know what we're supposed to be doing, we know what we're capable of doing, and we know the gap between what we are doing and what we know we can do.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want you to think about that gap.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about the culture of where you know you want to belong.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about the cultures that you want to adopt.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to think about the life that you want.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: And are you bringing the best version of yourself so that you're ready to meet that life?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not, it's okay.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: But think about today, what's the one thing I can do today to move me a little closer to that culture to help me step into that world?
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's something I can do for one minute, even if it's one repetition of something, even if it's sitting there and thinking about it for a minute, what is the one thing you can do today that will bring you closer to being a part of that culture?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: I truly want this for you because you don't have to settle because of a bunch of cost barriers that keep you assigned to a culture that you were born into and keep you locked out of the culture you want to be a part of.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to understand your barriers and not have to apologize for them, not have to be ashamed of them, but find ways and solutions where you can join the culture that you want to be a part of, even with your cost barriers.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you found this episode helpful.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have a lot of cool stuff coming up for kids, for parents, even in particular.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: We will be talking about some more financial things.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't wait to share that with you.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really hoping I can get that out very soon.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So keep listening with us.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you like these episodes, subscribe, share.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: All of this is because I feel that if each of us met our own incredible, irresistible life, we would be overwhelmed with the beauty that will be generated around us and the beauty that this world will be.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So join us back for the next episode, and until then, stay irresistible.