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The Best Stressed-Out Mum I Can Be With Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome to you. This week's My Joe Monday.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: So if you've been listening to My Joe Monday for
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: a while, you'll know that a lot of what I
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: talk about comes back to acceptance, So not acceptance that
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: everything is fine, acceptance of our own nature, so our
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: own human nature. And Marita talks about obedience to nature
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: and what that means is experiencing fear or discomfort or
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: even complaining as natural to being human as heat is
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: to summer and cold is to winter. You don't fight
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: the weather, so you dress for it and you get
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: on with your day. We are a part of nature,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: and we forget that constantly. We battle nature all the time.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: We get stressed, we get anxious, and that's nature doing
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: exactly what it's meant to do because we care about something.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: And this week gave me an example of this. And look,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: it's a bit of a small situation in the scheme
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: of life, but it's my reality right now. So my daughter,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: who is twenty years old, she's currently backpacking over in
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Europe and she is doing part of that trip on
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: her own. And I've been really stressed out about this,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: even though I've done it myself. And maybe that's the
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: reason I'm stressed out, because there were a few incidents
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: when I traveled alone. But yeah, it's stressing me out,
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: and there's been a lot of what if thoughts, a
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: lot of crystal ball thoughts, and at times it's been
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: affecting my mood. But last night I just stopped and
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: I asked myself an I'm honest question, why is this
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: stressing me out so much? And of course I'm stress
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: like I love my daughter, I care about seeing her again,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: And that stress isn't a sign that there is anything
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: wrong with me. It's actually a direct response to how
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: much he matters to me. If I didn't care, I
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: wouldn't feel a thing. And there's a concept from Marita therapy,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: which if you are not familiar as a Japanese approach
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: to psychology, that explains exactly what has been happening to
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: me before I made this little shift in my attitude.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: So Marita uses the word toro werre, which means something
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: like mental entrapment. So we get caught up in our thoughts,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: we get so caught up that we feel trapped in
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: our own heads, and it really describes the state that
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: we end up in when we start fighting our own
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: natural reactions instead of just having them. So inside that state,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: there's this specific pattern called shizo nor mujon, which translates
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: roughly as a contradiction between the ideal situation that we
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: would like to be in and reality of what is.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And it's that gap between how you think you should
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: be and how you actually are, Or it could be
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: how you think a situation should be, or the situation
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: you'd like to be and what the situation is. And
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: so for me, it looks like this. So I was stressed.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: That was my reality, and underneath that there was his
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: second voice saying shouldn't be this stress, Like I should
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: be able to cope better than this, and that was
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: my ideal. So as a side note, Paul's coping absolutely fine,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: So of course I had those thoughts like why can't
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I be more like him? The real suffering wasn't the stress.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: It was the argument I kept having with myself about
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: whether I should be feeling stressed, and that argument will
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: just keep going. There's rarely a resolution. I see this
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: constantly with my clients. The harder people demand that they
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: feel calm or they demand to be a certain way,
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: the more entrenched that anxiety comes, so fighting that gap
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: only makes the gap wider. So last night I just
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: dropped the argument with myself, which meant I dropped the
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: struggle with my true nature instead of trying to talk
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: myself out of the stress. I accepted it as a
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: normal human, very appropriate response to loving someone, and then
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: decided to be the best version of a stressed out
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: mum that I could be. And that doesn't mean the
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: calmest mum or the mum who's got it all handled.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: It means feeling the stressfully and still getting done what
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: needs to be done, so still communicating with her, still
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: getting on with my daily tasks, still showing up for
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: the peace people in my life, and getting on with
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: the rest of my day. And this one shift it
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: did take the sting out of it. I'm still worried,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: of course, and I probably will stay that way until
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: she's reached her destination or and still I hear until
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: I hear from her next. But I've stopped fighting myself
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: about it, and that was where most of this sort
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: of heavy weight was. There's a word for that in
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: Japanese psychology, and that is arrogamma. Just being as you
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: are not liking the stress, not chasing it away, just
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: letting it sit alongside you while you keep living and
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: keep doing what needs to be done. So this week,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: whatever it is that is stressing you out right now,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: it's because you care about something. The stress isn't the problem.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: It's the argument that you're having with yourself about it
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: that is. So try dropping the struggle. Have a great
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: way everyone. I'll catch you next week mhm