Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 246. A Baby, big betrayal and my boundaries - do i take him back? I dont know if i can trust him

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246. A Baby, big betrayal and my boundaries - do i take him back? I dont know if i can trust him · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Let's get into it.
0:34
Speaker 3: I need your advice.
0:35
Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?
0:37
Speaker 3: Promise it won't be too much.
0:39
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
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Speaker 3: Welcome to our Bestie Segment. This is the place for you.
0:51
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to our Bestie segment, where we
0:54
Speaker 2: read out your anonymous submissions about the sticker situations you
0:56
Speaker 2: might be in and the advice that we would give
0:58
Speaker 2: to each other if we were going through it.
1:00
Speaker 1: I know today's a big one. What have you got
1:01
Speaker 1: for us?
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Speaker 3: Absolutely? Let's get started. Hi, girls, I'm in desper need
1:05
Speaker 3: of a sticky situation and at big sister advice. FYI,
1:08
Speaker 3: this is probably going to be a long one to read.
1:11
Speaker 3: So backstory, my partner and I were living together with
1:13
Speaker 3: our baby. However, I chose to move back into my
1:15
Speaker 3: mom's house. At the time, I was four months postpartum
1:19
Speaker 3: and I am currently now just past six months, still
1:22
Speaker 3: living with my mum. It's roughly been about two and
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Speaker 3: a half months since being separated. I'd say weekly myself
1:27
Speaker 3: and our daughter will go over there, just so that
1:29
Speaker 3: they get dad and daughter and family time in since
1:31
Speaker 3: being a part we separated due to us just clashing
1:34
Speaker 3: over everything. Every little minor thing turned into a big
1:38
Speaker 3: blow up argument and things got really really bad between us.
1:42
Speaker 3: I also found out at the time that he had
1:43
Speaker 3: messaged another female behind my back and photos were sent,
1:46
Speaker 3: so loyalty was betrayed. Hence why I moved out to
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Speaker 3: put my own mental state at first for myself and
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Speaker 3: my daughter. I'm not gonna lie. I was hurt and
1:54
Speaker 3: I'm still hurt from it all. I felt like I
1:56
Speaker 3: just had a baby. He watched me give birth for
1:59
Speaker 3: the first time MoMA as well, and still had the
2:01
Speaker 3: audacity to go behind my back and choose to do
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Speaker 3: those things. He didn't i'll sleep with her or do
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Speaker 3: anything sexual, but it still has the same mental and
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Speaker 3: emotional effect. Since then, I have seen change in him.
2:12
Speaker 3: He does prove a lot of things to me, so
2:14
Speaker 3: I'm trying to look at the bridside some positives. He
2:17
Speaker 3: gave up drinking when he's the type of guy to
2:19
Speaker 3: crack open a can straight off to work. He's been
2:21
Speaker 3: prioritizing more health and fitness and really putting the effort
2:24
Speaker 3: into build better at his career. I do still have
2:27
Speaker 3: my days where warri kicks in hormones are all over
2:29
Speaker 3: the place, and just being sleep deprived in general really
2:31
Speaker 3: doesn't help. I started listening to you guys on the podcast,
2:34
Speaker 3: and it truly has helped me feel seen in such
2:36
Speaker 3: a dark time of my life. I feel like the
2:38
Speaker 3: advice you girls give out is so real, raw and honest.
2:41
Speaker 3: Almost daily now I'll pop onto Sheer Riser's podcast just
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Speaker 3: as zone out of my problems in this world while
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Speaker 3: my baby naps. Listening to you girls really feels like
2:49
Speaker 3: an escape from reality that helps me heal with such
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Speaker 3: good advice to take away and to really apply to
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Speaker 3: my own life. It's literally the big sister advice that
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Speaker 3: I need. And any time I unplug myself immediately I
3:00
Speaker 3: feel better and like my head is clearer. So thank you.
3:03
Speaker 3: I've already learned off the both of you not to
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Speaker 3: take things personally, learning to heal, and I still really
3:08
Speaker 3: want to try to pop a photo of your partner
3:10
Speaker 3: as a baby in the back of your phone to
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Speaker 3: really help me realize that he is also too. Is
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Speaker 3: a man who has had so many traumatic events and
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Speaker 3: problems growing up within his childhood. He had it quite tough,
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Speaker 3: and inside is just a little boy who needs to
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Speaker 3: be seen. And even though he's done major things wrong
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Speaker 3: by me in our relationship over the years, I really
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Speaker 3: am trying to stick through and see the bright side.
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Speaker 3: He is willing to learn and grow. He does own
3:34
Speaker 3: his mistakes, he has his hand up, and he is accountable.
3:37
Speaker 3: So thank you, ladies for giving me so much more
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Speaker 3: than you imagine. Now my question and advice, I need
3:42
Speaker 3: to approach a situation on Since being moved out, we
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Speaker 3: have had talks about me and my daughter moving back
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Speaker 3: in with him. We're trying to start fresh for our family.
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Speaker 3: What would that look like? And he also mentioned we
3:53
Speaker 3: need to match and understand each other's requirements before we do,
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Speaker 3: which I think is totally fair and agree with so
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Speaker 3: me and him are on the same page when it
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Speaker 3: comes to boundaries. However, he has been hanging around his
4:03
Speaker 3: family a fair bit, and I'm talking daily lately. I
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Speaker 3: just know inside of me, deep down that they are
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Speaker 3: not good for him. His mom gets involved in our relationship,
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Speaker 3: which I've voiced to her myself several times not to
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Speaker 3: get involved, as it's between me and him and not
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Speaker 3: the three of us. She has also had a habit
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Speaker 3: of drinking every day after work. His brother just got
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Speaker 3: out of jail with mental health issues, his younger brother
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Speaker 3: and sister have been in and out of mental health
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Speaker 3: rehabs and wards, and his mom's partner is kind of
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Speaker 3: like an ex junkie who also drinks daily. So you
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Speaker 3: could probably imagine these people aren't the best to hang around.
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Speaker 3: And side note, he doesn't have many good friends either.
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Speaker 3: This feels so terrible to write, but it's true. I
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Speaker 3: feel as though when he does hang around them, I
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Speaker 3: see a weird turn in him and he just becomes
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Speaker 3: a byproduct of that environment. I feel as though he
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Speaker 3: gets affected by them or whatever the term is. Then
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Speaker 3: I obviously get really rattled and affected by him. Then
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Speaker 3: off of me. It's always our baby. I just feel
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Speaker 3: that I become a bad mother to her, and because
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Speaker 3: I'm affected by him who's affected by his family. Shit.
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Speaker 3: This problem has ruined many afternoons and many many days.
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Speaker 3: I watch him put work into himself and physical work
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Speaker 3: in I become so proud of him. I just don't
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Speaker 3: want him to go backwards or being taken advantage of
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Speaker 3: for the money side of things because his family don't
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Speaker 3: really have much question how do I bring a conversation
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Speaker 3: up with him surrounding his family when I don't really
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Speaker 3: want to be around them. He tells me he has
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Speaker 3: requirements or this is mine. I don't want to control
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Speaker 3: or tell him what to do, but he truly would
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Speaker 3: serve so much more purpose not being around them. I
5:35
Speaker 3: obviously want to handle this with care because unfortunately this
5:37
Speaker 3: is his family, and I don't want to hurt his
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Speaker 3: feelings or have him feel like this is an attack
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Speaker 3: because it's not. I just want to see the best
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Speaker 3: for him and so our relationship can progress and thrive more.
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Speaker 3: Is so much better than his behavior in his moods,
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Speaker 3: in his mental state when he's really not around them,
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Speaker 3: So please, any tricks and tips to handle the sticky
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Speaker 3: situation does anyone else have any similar situation or struggles
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Speaker 3: with not good relationships with family and laws. I just
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Speaker 3: don't want this to be mentioned then thrown back in
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Speaker 3: my face when he says that I try to control
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Speaker 3: him or stop him from seeing his family. This is
6:08
Speaker 3: so hard? What do I do? Lastly, thank you both
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Speaker 3: again for all the support and great advice you give out,
6:14
Speaker 3: not only to myself, but for many women. You may
6:17
Speaker 3: not truly understand or know it, but the Shee Riseres
6:19
Speaker 3: podcast has been a savior of mine lately, and I
6:22
Speaker 3: just feel like I listen to your girls and I
6:23
Speaker 3: feel so seen in so many different ways. Amazing big
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Speaker 3: sis advice. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Speaker 2: That's so nice. Fill a nice to receive all of
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Speaker 2: that feedback.
6:34
Speaker 3: Goodness.
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Speaker 2: It's a really tough one when it's family. I don't
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Speaker 2: think you could ever tell him not to see his family.
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Speaker 2: I don't think anyone can request that of anyone. What
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Speaker 2: you can express is how it makes you feel and
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Speaker 2: what you are visibly seeing and feeling when he's surrounded
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Speaker 2: by them all the time, and how that impacts you
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Speaker 2: and how your parent and if you were to move forward,
6:56
Speaker 2: that's a decision you get to make I don't think
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Speaker 2: it's on him because I don't think he's not going
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Speaker 2: to see his family. I'd just be expressing that to
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Speaker 2: him and seeing if there is maybe some firmer boundaries
7:07
Speaker 2: or what his plan is. Is he planning to still
7:08
Speaker 2: see them every single day? Like how does he feel
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Speaker 2: about their relationships? Like maybe he's seeing them a lot
7:13
Speaker 2: more because you're not actually there as well, like me,
7:16
Speaker 2: if you're back in the house, then he's got that
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Speaker 2: company again and they wouldn't be seeing them.
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Speaker 3: As much and then resort back to them.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, oras at the moment, he's like, Oh, I'm lonely,
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Speaker 2: my family are there, like yeah, and he cares to
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Speaker 2: them and that his family sounds like they're going through
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Speaker 2: a lot as well. So he probably feels a sense
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Speaker 2: of responsibility. Oh yeah, to take care of his younger
7:29
Speaker 2: siblings who are in and out of mental homes and
7:31
Speaker 2: has other brothers just got out of jail, like the
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Speaker 2: ex junkie partner too, Like he's probably worried about everyone
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Speaker 2: in that.
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Speaker 3: House, mum being a drinker too.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, So he's probably like really feeling like he needs
7:41
Speaker 2: to check in and be there. So I think having
7:42
Speaker 2: compassion for where he's at. But I think just talking
7:45
Speaker 2: about how emotionally the impact has on you, and he's
7:48
Speaker 2: surrounded by them because you are, by product who.
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Speaker 1: You hang around. Yeah, you really are.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, So I just I'll be having a deeper conversation
7:54
Speaker 2: and seeing how he responds and if you guys can
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Speaker 2: work out a plan together that feels good.
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Speaker 1: It's like a compromise.
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Speaker 2: You can't expect them to never see his family again,
8:01
Speaker 2: but he also you're hoping he receives us and goes okay.
8:04
Speaker 2: So how it feel if it was just once a
8:06
Speaker 2: week I went to check in on them, had dinner
8:07
Speaker 2: with them, and still remain connected with them. But most
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Speaker 2: of my times with you, it's like finding this middle
8:12
Speaker 2: ground where both are kind of getting what you want
8:14
Speaker 2: out of it.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's so tough, like even the we're in a
8:17
Speaker 3: relationship with two not three, I haven't personally experienced that.
8:21
Speaker 3: I could imagine how hard that would be, like, yeah,
8:24
Speaker 3: feeling like you have to fight with her to like
8:26
Speaker 3: get your partner, like, oh, you know, obviously there's so
8:29
Speaker 3: many layers to this. First of all, thank you for
8:31
Speaker 3: just for sharing and just being so open and vulnerable
8:33
Speaker 3: and also all of the beautiful things that you did. Say,
8:36
Speaker 3: the betrayal wound is hard. I think you kind of
8:38
Speaker 3: walked yourself through it. We've had another previous Bessie submission
8:41
Speaker 3: who kind of experienced something similar to what you did.
8:43
Speaker 3: And I think again, everybody has their threshold for what
8:46
Speaker 3: they will and won't allow, and it's that side of
8:48
Speaker 3: it to the photos yet you know, sorry, and then
8:50
Speaker 3: it's so individual to each person. And as you said,
8:53
Speaker 3: like he is willing, he's willing to own it, take accountability.
8:56
Speaker 3: You've seen change in him like behavior, Yeah, change behavior,
8:59
Speaker 3: Like that's everything, Like people make mistakes, and you know,
9:01
Speaker 3: I think the fact that he didn't get to the
9:03
Speaker 3: point of like cheating do anything well in that sense.
9:06
Speaker 3: I know it still impacts you, but obviously that's something
9:09
Speaker 3: you've been able to move through and are choosing to
9:11
Speaker 3: move through. So well done on that front. But yeah,
9:14
Speaker 3: the family stuff is challenging. I don't know what comes
9:17
Speaker 3: to mind when I think of this is like when
9:19
Speaker 3: you see him visibly change, is that something that you
9:22
Speaker 3: can then ask him, Like you know, I notice that
9:24
Speaker 3: your energy shifted, It's something come up for you then
9:26
Speaker 3: and like ask him questions because the more that you
9:28
Speaker 3: ask questions to get curious about what changed, what happened,
9:32
Speaker 3: why he's upset, why he's mad, why he's frustrated, Like
9:35
Speaker 3: you're going to be able to bring awareness to him,
9:37
Speaker 3: because then he's going to go, wait a minute, why
9:39
Speaker 3: did I change? Why am I mad? What did they
9:42
Speaker 3: say that didn't sit well with me or doesn't feel
9:45
Speaker 3: good to hear? And maybe through very gently like opening
9:49
Speaker 3: that up with him, maybe he'll start to realize that
9:52
Speaker 3: when he is around his family, he actually goes backwards.
9:54
Speaker 3: But again, it's also not your responsibility to do that.
9:57
Speaker 3: You can only do so much, and I think in
10:00
Speaker 3: the position that you're in, you really do have to
10:02
Speaker 3: in some way protect your peace as well. So it's
10:04
Speaker 3: like kind of learning how to support him with his
10:07
Speaker 3: family and what he'd be holding with all that, and
10:09
Speaker 3: then also in the same breath go okay, like, in
10:12
Speaker 3: small doses, how much of that his family can I
10:15
Speaker 3: actually tolerate? Yes, And then actually just putting up a
10:17
Speaker 3: wall and being like this is my boundary. I actually
10:19
Speaker 3: can't do any more than this, because.
10:21
Speaker 2: At the end of the day, it's not just you
10:22
Speaker 2: like hearing me you say you turn it you feel
10:24
Speaker 2: like I'm sure you're not, but you feel like you
10:25
Speaker 2: turn into.
10:26
Speaker 1: A bad mother.
10:27
Speaker 2: For me, it's like, well instantly, no, like my children
10:30
Speaker 2: are going to come first.
10:30
Speaker 3: It's a hard no for you.
10:32
Speaker 2: If it's impacting me so much that it impacts the
10:34
Speaker 2: way that I treat my daughter, no worth.
10:37
Speaker 1: It, no way, no ethor. I mean, there can be
10:40
Speaker 1: a happy medium.
10:41
Speaker 2: If he's just going to see them once a week
10:42
Speaker 2: and that's your day that you go see your mum,
10:44
Speaker 2: you both like have that time to go see your
10:46
Speaker 2: family and then you come back together and the ninety
10:48
Speaker 2: percent of it is just you guys as a team
10:49
Speaker 2: and as a solid family. But if he wants to
10:51
Speaker 2: continue to see them every day, then I think you'd
10:53
Speaker 2: have your answer because it's not feeling good for you.
10:55
Speaker 3: And also as well, it sounds like he's just dysregulated
10:58
Speaker 3: when he sees his family, which I don't blame him for.
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Speaker 2: It's a lot to hold for any mush you know
11:03
Speaker 2: what you're looking into, no, and so dysregulated and if
11:06
Speaker 2: you're feeling it, he's probably feeling it too.
11:08
Speaker 3: So I wondered, wonder if it's just one of those
11:11
Speaker 3: things where when he comes back from his family, there's
11:13
Speaker 3: a little bit of extra care. Well he does need
11:15
Speaker 3: some solo time, Yeah, checking in with him of what
11:18
Speaker 3: he may need. Because when you're disregulated, what do you
11:20
Speaker 3: need to do. You need to come back down to
11:22
Speaker 3: the green zone. You need to go from the red
11:23
Speaker 3: zone to the green zone, which is what we teach
11:25
Speaker 3: in riz inside, and it's teaching you how to really
11:28
Speaker 3: learn how to manage your triggers and get yourself back
11:31
Speaker 3: to your beautiful baseline so that you're not reacting, so
11:34
Speaker 3: that you're not impacting your children, so that you're not
11:36
Speaker 3: bringing that shit into your relationship when it actually has
11:38
Speaker 3: nothing to do with the relationship.
11:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely, and you definitely could make this work. Just
11:43
Speaker 2: because he sees his family, It doesn't mean you need
11:45
Speaker 2: to like you're your own person. You're allowed to have
11:47
Speaker 2: boundaries on who you put your daughter in front of
11:50
Speaker 2: and who you're in front.
11:50
Speaker 1: Of, So it's a lot of compromise.
11:53
Speaker 2: I think just opening up this conversation and seeing where
11:55
Speaker 2: he's at, it's going to give you a lot of
11:56
Speaker 2: clarities to what you both wanted.
11:58
Speaker 1: If you can make that work. I would like to
12:00
Speaker 1: go back to the.
12:01
Speaker 2: Beginning where you said you moved out because you were
12:03
Speaker 2: clashing on everything. What's made that go away? Or is
12:08
Speaker 2: that still there? It's just not as present because you're
12:10
Speaker 2: not living together. When you go back and live together
12:13
Speaker 2: all the things you were clashing them before, is that
12:15
Speaker 2: just going to be there again? Like what were those
12:18
Speaker 2: things and why were they there? So that's what I
12:21
Speaker 2: would be questioning like that because actually we talk about
12:25
Speaker 2: all the time. If you're single, you're not getting triggered,
12:26
Speaker 2: you're not getting faced. When you're in a relationship, you're
12:29
Speaker 2: eating face with all your old wounds that you're forced
12:31
Speaker 2: to heal.
12:31
Speaker 1: Your relationship is.
12:32
Speaker 2: A mirror shining on you as to what you need
12:35
Speaker 2: to heal. So now that you've removed yourself situation, they're
12:38
Speaker 2: not present, but it doesn't mean.
12:39
Speaker 1: They've gone away.
12:40
Speaker 2: Is it the moods? Is it this regulation? Is it
12:42
Speaker 2: his habits? Is it your habits? Is it your views
12:45
Speaker 2: on parenting? Is it your views on how you cook food?
12:48
Speaker 2: Like when you say everything was clashing, I'm thinking literally
12:51
Speaker 2: a towel on the ground is going to send you,
12:53
Speaker 2: guys into a spiral. Or he wants koc and you
12:55
Speaker 2: want to go healthy sturf fry and you guys are
12:57
Speaker 2: fighting and the whole night's ruined. Yeah, this is where
12:59
Speaker 2: my head go.
13:00
Speaker 3: I love it.
13:00
Speaker 1: I don't have a lot of context.
13:02
Speaker 2: And then the other one of sending the photos, like,
13:04
Speaker 2: I know you're working through that, but is there a
13:06
Speaker 2: crack of trust there?
13:08
Speaker 1: Who was the girl? Where did he meet her? Like that?
13:10
Speaker 2: As he's still in contact with I don't know. I'd
13:12
Speaker 2: be wanting to dig a little bit more within myself,
13:16
Speaker 2: being like, have I fully forgiven this? Do I fully
13:18
Speaker 2: trust that he's not going to do this again? Is
13:21
Speaker 2: there a way he can support my nervous system when
13:23
Speaker 2: I feel triggered? It's like I spoke about this with
13:25
Speaker 2: Steve when we were going through the process of him
13:27
Speaker 2: cutting out alcohol. There was things put in place when
13:30
Speaker 2: he was going to drink that would help soothe my
13:32
Speaker 2: nervous system, have more contact so that I wouldn't spiral.
13:36
Speaker 2: It was like, there's reasons why I'm like this now,
13:38
Speaker 2: and I believe in a partnership. And you might not agree,
13:40
Speaker 2: but that your partner's nervous system is part of your responsibility,
13:44
Speaker 2: especially if there's emotional wounds.
13:46
Speaker 1: That have been caused by the partner.
13:48
Speaker 2: So I would be asking myself that question is can
13:51
Speaker 2: I fully let this go? Am I going to pull
13:53
Speaker 2: this weapon out and throw it back in his face
13:55
Speaker 2: when I feel her, Well.
13:56
Speaker 1: You did that to me. Now I can't trust you
13:58
Speaker 1: give me your phone?
13:59
Speaker 2: Like, I just don't think i'd want to be in
14:00
Speaker 2: that dynamic where I'm always worried, always anxious, always checking
14:03
Speaker 2: his phone, feeling like he's doing something when he says
14:05
Speaker 2: he goes somewhere, Is he really if he's paying an
14:07
Speaker 2: invoice on his phone?
14:08
Speaker 3: Like?
14:08
Speaker 1: Is he looking at other girls?
14:09
Speaker 2: Like I just there're things that I would be questioning
14:13
Speaker 2: and digging further.
14:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, I really like everything that you said and what
14:18
Speaker 3: sparked for me when you were saying all that is
14:20
Speaker 3: with all of the things, you know, being triggered by everything,
14:23
Speaker 3: is there things that you weren't communicating before the photos happened? Right?
14:27
Speaker 3: Where were the cracks before the photos happened? And this
14:30
Speaker 3: is We had this conversation the other day on the
14:32
Speaker 3: podcast and off the podcast around when somebody does go
14:35
Speaker 3: through something like cheating or emotional cheating or something like that,
14:37
Speaker 3: there's usually a reason why people get to that point,
14:40
Speaker 3: and while we don't condone it, it's understanding what went wrong,
14:44
Speaker 3: and so I'd be curious to know being triggered by
14:46
Speaker 3: everything unspoken resentment that's happening. Okay, maybe you pushed and
14:51
Speaker 3: you got further and further away from each other. Now
14:53
Speaker 3: you're leaning out of each other instead of in, and
14:55
Speaker 3: then he leans to some other woman for emotional or
14:58
Speaker 3: maybe like physical desire or whatever.
14:59
Speaker 1: It is, attention, could anything.
15:02
Speaker 3: So I'd be curious to know, like, was there something
15:05
Speaker 3: there in terms of being intimate, connecting, trusting each other,
15:09
Speaker 3: feeling safe with each other as to why he then
15:10
Speaker 3: leant out of the relationship. Because everything that you're feeling
15:13
Speaker 3: now is going to stem from what happened way back when,
15:16
Speaker 3: in the very beginning, definitely, and so you're dealing with
15:19
Speaker 3: isolated problems here, but like it kind of all ties
15:21
Speaker 3: into one and how you would be feeling and how
15:23
Speaker 3: you would be showing up as a mother as well.
15:25
Speaker 1: And throw in chiahood trauma, your own true goals like this.
15:28
Speaker 2: I honestly, this is where I feel couples coaching is
15:31
Speaker 2: so beautiful because you have another person with a different
15:33
Speaker 2: perspective and you're both in an environment where you both
15:36
Speaker 2: get to freely speak without like over talking each other
15:38
Speaker 2: and you get to hear it and then they get
15:39
Speaker 2: to share their perspective and different ways to navigate and
15:42
Speaker 2: support each other through the problems. I think be really
15:45
Speaker 2: cool for you guys to do a three or six
15:47
Speaker 2: month coaching container together where you're really committed to put
15:50
Speaker 2: late everything out on the table, nothing gets missed, everything's documented,
15:55
Speaker 2: and you're on a path just like a health and
15:57
Speaker 2: finished journey. Right.
15:58
Speaker 1: You're tracking everything, you're checking your.
16:00
Speaker 2: Progress, you're taking your photos, you're keeping yourself accountable, You've
16:03
Speaker 2: got goals set in place. You've set this up for
16:04
Speaker 2: three or six months. Like, why would you not do
16:06
Speaker 2: that with your relationship when it's the most important relationship
16:10
Speaker 2: that you're going to have. Yeah, it's like, let's really
16:12
Speaker 2: devote a lot of time and energy and care into
16:16
Speaker 2: this and invest into our relationship.
16:17
Speaker 1: This is what you really want. I don't think you
16:19
Speaker 1: can put a price tag on that.
16:21
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like, if we can't resolve this within ourselves,
16:23
Speaker 3: let's get support.
16:24
Speaker 2: To yourself this and then you know, also at the
16:27
Speaker 2: end of that six months, if you're still bickering, you
16:29
Speaker 2: still can't work it out, you still can't come together
16:32
Speaker 2: things don't feel different. You know, if you were to
16:35
Speaker 2: walk away that you've tried everything like that, if you
16:37
Speaker 2: haven't gone through all of that, then there's this back
16:39
Speaker 2: and forth, let's try again, Oh we didn't do that,
16:41
Speaker 2: or like, I'm not feeling tricker now, so we'll give
16:43
Speaker 2: it another go. I just don't think you should have
16:45
Speaker 2: a leave relationship until you've tried absolutely everything under the
16:48
Speaker 2: side and you're absolutely certain this isn't gonna work and
16:50
Speaker 2: you can walk away with peace knowing you did everything
16:53
Speaker 2: that you could.
16:53
Speaker 1: Yeah.
16:54
Speaker 2: I could never leave Steve unless I was like, I've
16:56
Speaker 2: done everything I can to make this work because I
16:58
Speaker 2: know I played my part as well. I've got my
17:00
Speaker 2: own lane to clean up.
17:01
Speaker 3: You know. Yeah, maybe true, you know.
17:04
Speaker 1: It's beautiful, so true.
17:05
Speaker 3: As somebody who has done couples counseling before, what would
17:08
Speaker 3: you say to somebody who is on the fence, scared,
17:10
Speaker 3: fearful of going down.
17:11
Speaker 2: That path, what's the cost of not doing it? Saying
17:14
Speaker 2: in the same pattern, living in resentment, potentially being in
17:18
Speaker 2: the same position six months or six years time.
17:20
Speaker 1: I don't think you've got anything to learn.
17:21
Speaker 2: You've got everything to gain and grow and learn about
17:24
Speaker 2: yourself and the other person, and it's beautiful. Like even now,
17:28
Speaker 2: like Steven I had a session the other day, we
17:30
Speaker 2: don't go just because something's wrong, Like we just try
17:32
Speaker 2: and do this consistently.
17:33
Speaker 1: Now.
17:34
Speaker 2: If we're going through something like with the drinking, it
17:36
Speaker 2: was a lot more frequent because we wanted to pour
17:37
Speaker 2: a lot more focus into it. Yeah, but even we
17:40
Speaker 2: ended the other day and we're like, oh, we're not
17:41
Speaker 2: really sure what we're going to talk about today, and
17:43
Speaker 2: it's just beautiful what evolved and what came up. And
17:46
Speaker 2: I just like loved seeing the way I could hold
17:49
Speaker 2: him in that moment and not even say anything like
17:51
Speaker 2: the lady that we see, just the way she held
17:53
Speaker 2: him and the different perspective shift she gave and the
17:56
Speaker 2: way she dug a little bit more or when she'd
17:58
Speaker 2: see a bit of emotion, the way she would like
18:00
Speaker 2: navigate both of us in It was almost like I
18:02
Speaker 2: pulled myself out was witnessing it as if I was
18:04
Speaker 2: watching a movie. Yeah, And it was really cool to
18:06
Speaker 2: watch Steve go through his process and it was just
18:09
Speaker 2: really really connecting. Yeah, And it just made us feel
18:11
Speaker 2: so much more closer and we already feel like an
18:13
Speaker 2: amazing team, but I just felt like it was like
18:15
Speaker 2: it's extra bit of connection. But then in Cristi's times
18:18
Speaker 2: when we've gone through hard times, it just it prevents
18:22
Speaker 2: things escalating and you both have your allocated time space
18:27
Speaker 2: to be able to think, speak, process, and then you
18:31
Speaker 2: get a different perspective and you just sometimes when you're
18:34
Speaker 2: triggered or things are heightened or you feel hurt, you
18:37
Speaker 2: miss moments of connection and you miss moments of what
18:39
Speaker 2: they're saying, or you hear it in a way that
18:41
Speaker 2: you want to hear it. Yeah, But when you're in
18:43
Speaker 2: that environment with a mediator, I feel like you're a
18:46
Speaker 2: lot more present to really hear what's going on, and
18:48
Speaker 2: if it says from someone else, it's just I don't know.
18:50
Speaker 1: I think find it really beautiful.
18:52
Speaker 2: I'm all for coaching in any tape or form, whether
18:54
Speaker 2: it's health, whether it's relationships, whether it's yourself, whether it's
18:56
Speaker 2: trauma triggers.
18:57
Speaker 1: I'm all for it. I think coach is worth their
18:59
Speaker 1: money in gold.
18:59
Speaker 3: Beautiful.
19:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, something I will always invest in. You have for
19:03
Speaker 2: the last like ten years. Beautiful perspective.
19:06
Speaker 1: Yeah.
19:07
Speaker 2: Oh, we hope this helps we do love and update
19:11
Speaker 2: as to what you decide to do. I know this
19:13
Speaker 2: is a lot to take in. I feel like there
19:14
Speaker 2: was a lot of things to uncover because there was
19:15
Speaker 2: quite a few layers to it. So I hope doesn't
19:17
Speaker 2: feel overwhelming. And even if you need to go back
19:19
Speaker 2: and listen to this a couple of times and write
19:22
Speaker 2: down some notes, Oh I could try this or how
19:24
Speaker 2: can I word this? Like take your time, you don't
19:27
Speaker 2: have to rush into anything, and just be with yourself
19:29
Speaker 2: as much as you can. Know it's half with a baby,
19:31
Speaker 2: just to get really calm, really clear on where you
19:33
Speaker 2: want to go.
19:34
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, such a season for you as well to
19:36
Speaker 3: figure out what it is that you actually want. And
19:38
Speaker 3: even maybe you haven't even asked yourself the question of
19:41
Speaker 3: like does this actually feel good for you? Is the
19:43
Speaker 3: betrayal too big? Is it? Are you ready to stay?
19:46
Speaker 3: Do you want to leave? Like, maybe you haven't asked
19:47
Speaker 3: yourself those questions because it's felt a little bit like
19:49
Speaker 3: too hard basket. Yeah, the fact that you're here asking
19:52
Speaker 3: the questions that you are means that you're willing and
19:54
Speaker 3: that obviously if you're here, you're also a growth secret too,
19:56
Speaker 3: So you want to evolve and you want a better
19:58
Speaker 3: quality of life, and you want to live a life
20:00
Speaker 3: that feels really really good to you and also for
20:02
Speaker 3: your daughter moving forward to So, yeah, this is definitely
20:05
Speaker 3: the space to be able to do that.
20:06
Speaker 2: So sometimes intuition already tells us, but we're scared too.
20:09
Speaker 2: So you might already know the answers within you, but
20:11
Speaker 2: you're scared you won't find someone new, or you're scared like, oh,
20:14
Speaker 2: I'm meant to have the family together. Like we make
20:15
Speaker 2: up stories around what a family is meant to look like.
20:18
Speaker 2: But I think the cool thing about society these days
20:21
Speaker 2: is not there people get divorced, but it is more
20:23
Speaker 2: socially acceptable. But if something's not right and blended families.
20:27
Speaker 2: When I see blended families, I'm like, that's so fucking cool. Yeah,
20:30
Speaker 2: these kids get two sets of parents, yeah, not one,
20:32
Speaker 2: two sets of parents absolutely love the shit out of them.
20:35
Speaker 1: I think that's so special, literally that I love.
20:37
Speaker 3: To get four humans to love on you so hard.
20:39
Speaker 1: I don't frown upon it.
20:40
Speaker 2: I think great, those two adults made a decision that
20:43
Speaker 2: was right for them and right for their children, because
20:45
Speaker 2: it's better for parents to split if they're not happy
20:47
Speaker 2: and find happiness elsewhere and show the kids healthy relationship.
20:51
Speaker 3: Absolutely, because what happens if people stay?
20:53
Speaker 2: So just ask yourself, are you trying to make this
20:55
Speaker 2: work out of fear of what like family should look
20:58
Speaker 2: like and because he's the father of your child, or
21:01
Speaker 2: you genuinely like, I really want to make this work
21:03
Speaker 2: because I love this man and I see his potential,
21:06
Speaker 2: I see his change, and I really want to make
21:08
Speaker 2: this work. It's a hard question to be confronted with,
21:11
Speaker 2: but it's an important one.
21:12
Speaker 3: It's important. Yeah, Well, good luck and we would love
21:17
Speaker 3: an update and please tat to you very soon.
21:19
Speaker 1: Bye guys, Bye,