Latest / Questionable Detour / Knocking people out and collecting their teeth, getting speech impediments, and going deep in the woods with some lumberjacks.

Transcript

Knocking people out and collecting their teeth, getting speech impediments, and going deep in the woods with some lumberjacks. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:17
I
0:26
Stay moving with a group of other people kind of like the Israelites moving out of Egypt
0:31
Yeah, sort of yes sort of a lot like the Israelites kind of like you pack up your tent and go kind of situation
0:37
Yeah, exactly exactly. Yeah, so do you come up to watery bodies and you stick along walking stick in there and expect it to
0:44
Split for the people that you just kind of lead around and they look confused when it doesn't split
0:49
Is this splashing around in a fountain? It's yeah, I
0:53
Then try to just jump in and just pretend like I'm walking through it
0:57
But you know doesn't always work. I am sort of a leader of people
1:02
Yeah, they might not find your house
1:04
But I feel like they would find the few hundred people that are just kind of following you around. Yeah. Yeah, I would think so
1:10
Are you living like a mobile home like why wouldn't you say you stay moving? Mm-hmm
1:15
It's like a mobile home situation or a mobile home is kind of what I aspire to be living in
1:21
Currently, it's a it's a two-man tent situation two men for one man, but just for one man
1:26
Yeah, there's okay. Is the tent on wheels? No the tents not on wheels
1:30
What I do is I have a wheelbarrow and I pack up the tent and I just throw it in the wheelbarrow and I wheel it away
1:35
Okay, it's a lot of tent for one man. It is
1:37
I
1:39
Thought about getting a roommate. Yeah
1:43
But you know if you if there is anybody
1:45
That is looking for a roommate. I mean I could probably move some of my stuff around in the tent
1:50
You know you have to do that every time you pick it up and move well, but I set it back up again
1:54
Okay, okay, and the exact same as well. Yeah, yeah, his lava lamp's got to go somewhere
1:59
I've got a I've got a lot of electricity. It's just a nasty looking lamp with
2:04
That has it moved
2:06
We've got a just a shelf full of furbies
2:10
Those furbies don't pay rent though, so you might know they don't but the thing is if I find the right roommate
2:15
I can move the furbies to my side like I've got enough room over there. It's not it won't be a big deal
2:20
I'm bragging about a square footage, you know, I mean this it's a it's a two-person tent
2:25
But I make it work
2:26
You know question will detour podcast a Gmail if you want to if you move in without if you want to move into a
2:32
Just a two-person Coleman tent
2:37
With a with just a shelf a shelf full of furbies and one lava lamp you gotta be willing to move
2:44
Got an old gimmick with a tent and I think I feel like it goes without saying but I'm gonna go ahead and put it on record
2:51
You're probably pushing the wheel bearer half the time
2:54
I mean if we're if we're splitting this situation
2:56
50-50 you gotta do your share of the pushing you do need to let them know that
3:01
While yes, you will split the work of the wheelbarrow and while you will split the square footage of the tent
3:08
You are sleeping in one sleeping bag
3:09
Yeah, what we do is we have we have one sleeping bag and it's the kind that has the additional blanket on the inside
3:15
Yeah, so I sleep additional blanket and then the other person sleeps on top of that kind of like a double-decker bus situation. Yeah, yeah
3:23
Sounds comfortable and warm
3:25
It sounds homey
3:27
Definitely definitely
3:28
What's the right for the people that might be interested in splitting a tent with you? Well, I don't really take money
3:33
I don't really see money as something that valuable, but if somebody comes and shows me some cool rocks I
3:41
Would be into that and I think that would open the door to us having a conversation to see if we can maybe come to an agreement
3:46
Okay, well there you go find some new age fossils folks. That's right
3:50
That's right. You want to live with Alan and sleep on top of him in a sleeping bag find some cool looking rocks find some rocks
3:56
Bring him here. We'll talk
3:59
If you need any other pun names just come to me. I got the the bank. Okay, don't be overbearing
4:04
I got really bragging. Yeah, who get who it work gave you a compliment today. I hope they stop
4:11
Your yourself confidence is at an all-time high right now. We need to break that down
4:16
You know us in questionable detour podcast a gmail tell Evan how bad he is tell me how I'll break him down
4:22
You can just I mean we'll have anything from your extended paragraphs to just one word emails saying bad
4:28
We'll take what we can get
4:30
I'll ignore all of it. His self-confidence is too high too high. No, it's not good for anybody one of us is high
4:36
Yeah, it really throws the dynamic of the room
4:39
There's a hierarchy and Evan is the doormat
4:41
I've been stepped on for too long
4:45
Today's the day
4:47
See that look I'm rising up. I got one little ounce of confidence in me
4:52
He's so referring to himself as daddy and I don't like it Lord daddy Lord daddy
4:58
Well, you know when you when you know what you got you got a flaw in it and what I got is a Lord daddy complex
5:05
So I'll be seeing you two when you're not as poor as you are sure, you know, you know and I'm as fantastic and rich as I am
5:13
As a person so just let me know when you're kind of here, you know at Lord daddy status
5:17
What what happened today for you to get this complex? Yeah logged into my computer at work
5:24
You know the first thing I saw was an email saying good to close this ticket
5:27
So I did I closed the ticket and I just got a little bit of confidence in myself
5:32
I did I closed the ticket and so you just did your job the bar is so low
5:39
Finally did it
5:41
Finally did my job felt good. You found your purpose all the things that this work
5:46
That my job has been paying for yeah, it's finally paid off for them
5:49
I'm finally putting in that one that one hour work. You know, I'm glad well what a king
5:55
Really Lord Lord daddy if you will well again
5:59
Most of the more podcasts a gmail.com right tell us break Evan down. It's too big. He's too high
6:04
He needs to he needs to get back in his place
6:09
All right, welcome to questionably detour, let's do some hypotheticals
6:12
Dave can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
6:17
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question
6:23
All right, so our hypothetical this week comes from a local Saturday worker named Hunter
6:28
He says here. I am listening to the new episode suicide very relatable. Thanks Hunter
6:34
While sitting waiting on the dentist. I hate the dentist and I always feel like they are molesting me
6:43
What do you guys
6:47
I just want to know what you guys would do as a dentist to make me feel more comfortable
6:52
Thanks, your local Saturday worker Hunter. So I guess molesting you's off the table. It seems like it
6:58
Doesn't that were the dentist in this situation? Yeah, we're the dentist in the situation
7:01
You can't molest them because apparently that would not make him feel more comfortable
7:04
My why why you become a dentist, you know
7:08
Change my answer real quick
7:10
Hunter find another dentist. I don't know. Yeah, I don't really shouldn't have to say that. Yeah
7:16
Let me say this hunter though. It's his job to put his hands in your mouth
7:22
I don't want you paying him for that
7:23
I don't want you to leave that dentist and go to another guy and realize that he's gonna do the same thing to you
7:29
Don't get to court and when they bring up that doll and ask you where did he touch you you point to the mouth?
7:35
Cuz they're gonna be like, yeah, he's a dentist that makes sense as long as he's using his hands
7:40
Sometimes a little a little elbow action is required at the dentist. I think for the heavy-duty work. Yeah. Yeah, but okay
7:48
Okay, we could all be dentists. Let's be real
7:50
We've chosen our path in life because we chose it but if required we could be a dentist
7:55
So what would y'all do as a dentist to make your patients feel comfortable because for most people the dentist office tends to be a place of
8:04
Anxiety, what would you do to make your patients feel comfortable? I think first and foremost
8:08
The only time I feel comfortable is when I've been slightly
8:13
Bribed if you will okay, I've been passed some money and I'm like, okay. Well this guy is serious. Yes
8:19
He has money. So I feel instantly more comfortable, but you're just describing a business
8:25
He has money. It's not a bribe. Somebody just paying you for your services
8:28
Do they do they pay it like under the table?
8:31
Do they come with like a jacket where they kind of hide the money when they hand it to you?
8:35
The people like how do we pay you Evan?
8:37
He's in there like with a card like no no slide an envelope across the table. Yeah
8:42
I don't park bench and don't look at me the money in a
8:47
Brown sandwich bag. Yeah, so I don't like them paying my receptionist
8:52
I like them paying me straight up. Yeah cash in hand. I'm a cash only business
8:57
That way don't have to pay taxes. Yeah, of course
8:59
You will realize I was talking about as a patient
9:01
I feel more comfortable because I don't need to be comfortable as a doctor. I'm always comfortable
9:06
It's my hands in your mouth kind of situation
9:08
Yeah, so I was talking as a patient when I feel more comfortable is when I get slid of 20
9:13
So I do like to give you know kind of as they're sitting down in my chair kind of secretly
9:18
Fold up a 10, you know and slide it into their hands
9:21
So they feel that Chris 10 and they're like this guy this guy has money
9:24
Yeah, and he wants me to feel comfortable because you slide me a 10 the $10 bill makes them think that this guy has money
9:30
Exactly
9:32
And they don't even get to look at it
9:34
They kind of just slide it in there and they hold it and they're like you this is money
9:37
They don't know if it's a 10 or 20. They haven't looked at it could be monopoly money
9:41
Yeah, exactly, and then I immediately knock them out sleeping gas sleeping gas not would like a two by four
9:46
Yeah, depends on the patient. How hard they how hard they are to knock out
9:50
But whenever they do get knocked out, I obviously take the $10 bill back. I'm not made of money
9:56
Not made as well been on a screen exactly. It'd be irresponsible just to just to let him keep it exactly
10:02
It's your money. So I immediately knocked them out. Can I pull their pants down a little bit?
10:07
You
10:11
Kind of pull the pants down a little bit. Yeah, yeah, just
10:17
You know they want to be hot
10:19
They want to be hot I get it I get it. I don't want them to feel constrained. Yeah
10:25
Right. Yeah, it's just the worst thing about a doctor's office. The the seats always kind of just so small
10:29
So small so they're constricting constricting so I like to just let them loose a little bit
10:40
And then kind of do what I need to do as a as a dentist
10:45
I think I think I think you need to describe it after the whole pants situation
10:52
Do my handiwork? Yeah. Oh
10:54
Oh, no hands and mouth the whole charade. Yeah. Yeah. Take out a few teeth. They may or may not need
11:00
Okay, you're just going after teeth
11:03
Well, I am a collector. So you collect your teeth. Well, yeah, doesn't every dentist
11:08
Do you have like a pucachel like necklace? What's just teeth on it? Yeah? Yeah, well the whole office does like it
11:14
You like an Islander off King Kong?
11:18
The whole office keeps them as like we know what we're doing, you know, we've done this before we've been here before
11:23
So I like to make sure every worker in the office
11:26
Yeah, like a trophy in a way a knowledge trophy
11:31
I feel like you take a sharpie and draw like dots on each side of the tooth and use them as dye for your back room gambling games
11:37
It's happened. I'm not gonna say it hasn't sure we've used dye in our back room. Yachty gambling games
11:44
Yeah, what's important is when they wake up and they realize hey, my pants have been undone. They love it
11:49
They have never felt more comfortable. How do they express that they love it they go
11:55
Oh my god, what has happened here and obviously that means oh my god. I'm so comfortable
11:59
Yeah, I'm so comfortable right now. My gosh what has happened here. I am so relaxed. Yeah and rejuvenated
12:06
Yeah, of course and I just explain we got your dental work done
12:11
It was great to see you again. See you same time next week. Oh, you'd next quick quick turn over
12:16
Yeah, I got it as those teeth grow back in I gotta get them out, you know, this is how the patient would say this
12:21
He would say oh my god
12:24
Oh my god, what's going on right now?
12:27
I mean he took all the teeth. Mm-hmm. Just straight gum in it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they say that a lot
12:32
Yeah, it does sound like that it it does sound like an 80 year old that just woke up and hasn't put their dentures in yet
12:38
And no pants. Well, that's pants are there. They're just a little loose. I'm not a weirdo
12:44
I'm not taking their pants off. Yeah, just loosening them. Do you put anything in their pockets?
12:48
So when they do wake up they come out with a little treat. Yeah, put little like little crystals in there
12:53
So they know like a little tiny hamburgers
12:57
Yeah, we keep hamburgers tiny hamburgers on hand crystals hamburgers extra mustard. Obviously, you don't buy them fresh though
13:03
No, we've had them in there for at least two weeks
13:06
I think the only thing that a crystals burger is good for is just fill in space. Yeah
13:11
Nobody's nobody's buying that thing to eat. Yeah
13:14
Yeah, it's kind of what we're planning for is just to kind of put something in their pockets
13:18
No, we were thinking about them and the fact that they are so old they're almost gelatinous
13:22
So it makes it easier for the people to eat since you just pulled out their teeth
13:26
Yeah, yeah that and if it gets a little smushed in there, it doesn't go everywhere because it kind of holds firm together
13:32
Why would it get smushed? Do you roll them around? No, just like when they're standing up, you know
13:36
And the parents crease and whatnot
13:38
You know how pockets work a lot of patients come back next week. Yeah. Yeah, well probably with lawsuits like a court order
13:45
They're they come back with paperwork. Sure. Do I throw it all away immediately? Sure. Yeah, I'm not here to read stuff
13:51
I'm here to knock people out take their teeth and give them a crystals hamburger
13:56
That's really all I'm here for and all people should expect from me. So yeah, I rest my case
14:02
I would feel comfortable. That's a so I don't know why you haven't like loosened my pants a little bit right now
14:07
I gotta say I would probably be maybe wearing some gym shorts under though under my pants
14:12
Just that's a good point. What happens then with you with your practice like I got a basketball game afterwards
14:18
Yeah, you know, yeah, it happens. We just got to check that that string that draw string make sure it's it's not tied
14:25
Not trying to hold anything up or constrict any of the waist section be loose
14:30
Yeah, because their waist is constricted their mouth will also be constricted and it makes it harder for me to yank some teeth
14:37
So I can tell you learned a lot from dental school
14:40
With your anti-reading policy. Yeah top of my class
14:44
Top of my class in every aspect, especially the anesthetic portion of it. Yeah, you
14:50
The past with not in colors. Yeah, come check us out. Yeah, what's your dental? What's your dental office name? Is it teeth urban?
14:59
Because you generally love country music and you work in an urban neighborhood. Yeah
15:03
Molar opposites in size or a barely-known or
15:09
John Wilkes tooth
15:13
Yeah, we do call ourselves John Wilkes tooth. Yeah
15:17
If you watch the
15:20
If you watch a play here, we'll shoot you in the back of the head
15:27
You offer plays yeah, we put on a play you offer theater
15:31
Yeah, we put on we put on plays in the back room. There's a kind of a Confederate bent to your office
15:39
Well, that's good go see Evan DDS at John Wilkes tooth
15:45
If the curtains come open
15:51
Because somebody will shoot you in the back of the head with a flit lock black powder pistol
15:56
And you may or may not get money handed to you and then taken away your pants become
16:05
It's a disaster we are hemorrhaging money
16:10
All right, Alan Alan DDS what's your dental office like? I know that going to the dentist can be weird
16:15
It's it's uncomfortable for me
16:16
I don't like laying down in that oddly reclining chair
16:19
That's not comfortable. Yeah the slightest and I know people can also be uncomfortable with the way their teeth look
16:25
So what I like to do is I like to kind of augment their teeth great
16:28
I mean people need that people looking to mm-hmm have a better smile
16:32
Yeah, most people are kind of down about that and they think braces is the way to go
16:35
I'm gonna say hard pass on that braces waste of money
16:39
You look absolutely ridiculous and you're just gonna stop wearing your retainers anyway
16:43
Sir, absolutely. I know I have yeah
16:45
So instead I'm gonna remove all of their teeth and I'm gonna replace it with just a fun objects like glass
16:51
shards of glass
16:53
Do you break the glass in front of them? So they see their teeth organically made?
16:58
I show them a variety of glass bottles and a window pane
17:03
Yeah, you know I say, you know which one which one would you prefer?
17:06
You know, I like I like to get their involvement
17:08
Sure, absolutely
17:09
Because again, we're trying to make them more comfortable and so they'll tell me and I'll just one moment, please
17:13
Just take a brick and just start just smashing all the glass up
17:17
You like you're about to start a bar fight me right right, right?
17:20
And I just you know just smash it up and just say all right
17:24
Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna put you down for a second and you're gonna you're gonna wake up with the new ability
17:28
To bleed from your mouth to bleed from your mouth
17:31
But not only that you'll be able to cause others to bleed when you sink your newfound teeth
17:37
Right into their body
17:38
When your insizers pierce their skin, yeah, you'll feel like a new man
17:43
You'll feel like a new man because there's one less man on this planet, right? You've taken that man's place
17:48
As far as knocking them out this method seems convenient because they choose a certain bottle
17:56
He's bonk them over the head. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's pretty easy that way. Is that how what you do?
18:01
How do you knock them out normally?
18:02
Well, what I'll do is you know when I take the brick and I start smashing that uh my one brick the office brick when I
18:08
When I take it and just start smashing that bottle up
18:10
I you know eventually move right along to their head and just kind of give them a just give give them a one two on the head
18:15
And turn around yeah, I'm right in the head like it's the three students. Yeah
18:20
Now this is the office brick have a little piece of tape that says please return to the front
18:25
Yeah, it's guys guys got my initials on it
18:28
I bet it's so annoying to go
18:30
Where's the office brick and you got to go to room by room like hey Samantha, that's right
18:34
Do you have the office brick? She's like no, I saw Karl had it last and you know how sometimes in an office
18:39
Like if there's a pin at the front desk that like tape something weird to it, you know
18:42
Yeah, like a flower a flower like a fork or something. I just I tape a spoon to my brick
18:47
Oh, nice. So you know everybody knows that that metal spoon, you know if it's if it's attached to something that means it's fine
18:53
It's easier to find that way. It's easier to find. I mean you got something extended, you know kind of making it stick out
18:59
Yeah, like only like something picks up a brick and they're going is this the office brick and they're like no no
19:03
It doesn't have the metal spoon. Yeah, it just came off the side of the building earlier. Yeah, right
19:07
You're just in a dilapidated building the foundation is falling apart. Yeah
19:13
Yeah, it's not a new quote-unquote building by any means. This is actually the back of a local watering hole
19:19
Just it's the buildings falling apart. I get all my bottles from the bar. That makes sense. Yeah, and all your patients too
19:25
Yeah, yeah one safe kind of you know about to pass out from they just kind of drink
19:29
They just come over mosey on over stumble back in the back. They're already, you know, probably not feeling great
19:34
They're hanging out there, you know, they get a couple drinks in them. They're feeling worse. Yeah, they're like man
19:39
I tell you what I need is probably some better teeth
19:42
You know how drunk people go man, I would love some dental work right now
19:45
The only thing I can make this better is if my smile just illuminated the room
19:50
What if I had a series of mirrors in my mouth?
19:54
Maybe then I'd get my family back
19:57
The one thing I need less in my life is these teeth and more Lego pieces of different colors shoved into my mouth
20:04
Where my teeth are used to be yeah, they didn't have to be glass either like Evan saying it could be Lego pieces
20:09
I could build you what I think your teeth should look like
20:12
Could be fun. It's like Bowser. You know kind of like with like the sharp teeth. Yeah
20:17
So it begs the question as the professional here go ahead and tell us what you think Evan and I should have in our mouths
20:24
Okay, I'm gonna kind of stammer around to pretend like I'm just now having to think about it, but
20:29
I'll be honest with you. I've already got you guys planned out. Yeah, you've been asking us to come to your your dentist office
20:37
For a while now for Evan. I'm gonna remove those teeth and just replace it with a bunch of drill bits
20:45
It's kind of like a little Swiss Army knife
20:47
It's gonna be a little multi-tool, you know, we'll have you know Phillips head flat head
20:52
We'll we'll cover run the run the gambit on drill bits. Yeah, I can different sizes
20:56
It'll be great. Just sink my tooth into a piece of wood and kind of just like spin around for a little bit
21:00
You'll need to rotate your body yourself because obviously the drill bits not gonna not gonna twist on its own
21:05
It'll be convenient up to the point where you actually need to do it. Yeah, I get really dizzy and like
21:11
You'll be great on that construction side. It'll be fun. Yeah fun nonetheless
21:16
All right, what's mine. What are you gonna do for me? Zach?
21:18
You're gonna you're gonna just have a bunch of colored pencils and then you're gonna have one metal straw
21:25
Okay, it seems inconsistent, but I'm willing to hear you out on the reasoning behind the inconsistency
21:31
Let's call it artistic license
21:34
Which you got with your certificate of dentistry at the local community college that you got
21:40
Yeah, and they misspelled it if you look at it. It says autistic license
21:43
But that I've been assured that it's artistic. Yeah, you have to have a license to be autistic
21:49
You know, you know, you gotta get a license you have to drive, you know, anybody used to be autistic. Yeah
21:55
Now they make it a chore
21:58
You gotta show two forms of ID and great on a scale of how one to ten on how much you like trains
22:06
Can he like color pictures with his teeth then yeah, yeah, yeah
22:10
That's kind of the the plus side to that and the straw is sort of just for looks
22:13
Just so you can tell him apart from some of my other patients that I've just done the strict Crayola look to yeah
22:19
But yeah, Zach what he'll do is basically just take a piece of paper and just bite down on it and just
22:24
Pull it around in his mouth and he's just gonna he's gonna make great colors
22:28
You know, yeah, just a lot of colors not a lot of shape very abstract what I what one of my newest one is is
22:34
Just a just a pair of dice where the buck teeth are
22:37
And then the rest of the teeth nickels
22:41
I like that you miss mix and match
22:43
That's just fashion right there. I feel like that person you did that for because they told you they went to a casino one time
22:51
Yeah, yeah, and you're like well
22:54
For you they only went for the crab leg Beth a they didn't even gamble
22:58
And the only reason you even heard that fact about them because you finally took out your headphones to say what what was that?
23:04
Yeah, I only heard the last half of their sentence
23:07
I did not didn't realize how it started and they and the rest of their sentence was this was a gamble to come here
23:14
And I don't gamble I've only ever been to a casino once and you just heard
23:18
I've only ever been to a casino and you're like I have something for you
23:22
I had a coughing fit when they said once
23:24
And you didn't cover your mouth no
23:27
You actually projected it into their mouth
23:30
Talking I got real close to their face. We were nose to nose
23:33
That's good, I would be comfortable at your your dentist office
23:39
That's I mean that's that's my goal is I I want to make you the best you that you can be because the current you is not the
23:45
You that I think that you need to be
23:47
And you tell them that that's yeah
23:50
They get that right when they walk in the door you suck
23:55
Okay, well, here's what I would do as a dentist
23:58
I believe that the beginning of the dental experience starts in the waiting room and you're gonna wait
24:03
That take a lot of naps. I do a ratio of 10 minutes of work to a 30 minute nap
24:08
So you're gonna be in the waiting room for a while and it's not big we overbook
24:15
There's a lot of people in there and I'm not even totally sure they're all there for an appointment
24:18
It could just be a homeless man that came in out of the cold
24:21
but thankfully you do have magazines for your reading pleasure and to block everybody's
24:28
Sneezes because what I have done is I have left cat hair and dander in the waiting room as far as the asbestos goes
24:35
I have not gotten a checked out yet, but because we keep so poor records
24:39
We don't know your name what we do we could we come into that tiny waiting room no bigger than an elevator
24:45
And we just call out your biggest insecurity so we don't know your name. We're just like hey lazy. I it's your turn
24:51
You raise your stubby little fat hand. That's not your insecurity
24:55
Your insecurities your insecurities your lazy eye we know that that's why we said lazy eye and not stub hand
25:01
You come back there and first of all the dental hygienist goes ahead and hog ties you by your ankles and hands and drags you back there
25:08
Because you know you've walked into this place
25:10
You've been waiting for a way out and you haven't gotten it all of a sudden it's your turn
25:14
You don't want to go but we hog tie you're going back there. We put you on the table. It's warm because I took a nap
25:20
That's worth taking that and don't worry about this alive on the headrest just wipe that off. I come in all professional well rested
25:27
Well, what very well rested nary a bag under my eye come in there
25:31
So welcome to my establishment and I wink at my dental hygienist
25:36
She says the n-word your mouth drops open from surprise boom. I have access into your mouth
25:42
I start doing my work and start just yanking on teeth
25:46
I'm not really sure what your chart says because again our file system is literally just a pile of papers
25:53
It's a fire hazard in the back room. It's just right next to some kerosene and matches. It's a good thing
25:59
There's asbestos
26:00
Surrounding the building yeah, and you might ask do you put patience asleep and I do I offer it
26:06
But I don't have like that laughing gas that mint or bubblegum. I don't do that sissy stuff
26:12
My flavors are bark and a shoestring that came untied in a public bathroom
26:19
And you have to deal with that so a lot of time my patients don't choose to go to sleep
26:23
They're wide awake as I take a chisel and a hammer and a little like I'm creating the statue of David in your mouth
26:28
Is that the one with the penis? He has a very small penis, okay, but I make the penis bigger on your statue
26:35
Out of respect out of respect and to make you feel more comfortable because really I do all this to make you feel more comfortable
26:42
Nothing makes you feel more comfortable than claustrophobia and the inability to escape
26:49
First question, why do you hate your patients? I don't hate my patients
26:52
I want to be a good disciplinarian not their friend, you know, that's what they say
26:57
Don't don't be your patient's friend. You're there to do a job exactly not there to make a friend exactly
27:02
Yeah, so question here who says the n-word. It's a tactic that I use I don't go say aw
27:07
So overplayed in the dentist world, you know, so I just I give a wink to my dental hygienist
27:13
And she says it and you look surprised because you're not racist
27:16
What happens if somebody goes in there and their face doesn't change at all they say yee-haw
27:23
What what word do you then say as a backup to get them to drop their job?
27:28
Well, you just say your cousin wife is running off with your brother. There you go
27:32
They look so surprised you say y'all seen him new bud like cans
27:40
Yeah, yeah, it's a good way to
27:43
Profile them if they're not surprised by that. I know what route I'm taking next
27:47
Well, you don't have any you know, you don't have any files on them
27:49
You have no information on them. So you kind of your your whole job is profiling
27:53
Well, you have to do that as soon as they walk in you immediately stereotype
27:56
Yeah, at one point I did have a file on them
27:59
I had their name and all their dental work from the past but again the filing system is me just taking a box of papers and just
28:05
It's almost like I'm trying to get water out of a boat that's sinking
28:08
But I saw some of your files one time and it was a couple of receipts that you'd taken out of their pockets
28:14
And then just a list of their favorite board games a lot of lint in there too. I go through their pockets
28:20
While they're knocked out because I always forget to ask them to pay so while they're knocked out
28:24
I'm just kind of rummaging through their pockets. We're trying to loot them for everything they got
28:27
It's almost like a video game where once you kind of kill an enemy you just kind of loot them. Yeah after that
28:32
Yeah, yeah, so I get my money
28:34
But I'd also get back anything else that I've looted so I there's a big loss in found piles
28:39
Just the people's things and they don't ask for them back because usually they're trying to get out there pretty quick
28:44
So do you do any dental work?
28:46
It all just
28:48
preliminary
28:49
I do great dental work, okay?
28:52
Nine out of ten dentists recommend me, but that's because I'm holding nine out of ten dentist families hostage
28:59
There's always a twist. Yeah, and there are a lot of twists. I'm twisting the teeth. I'm chiseling the teeth
29:05
I've told y'all I'm basically creating art. That's right like Leonardo da Vinci did to who Leonardo da Vinci
29:12
I'm I'm whitening teeth by using some acrylic paint and just a tiny toothbrush and they wake up
29:19
I'm like my teeth are so white. Chalky
29:24
like marble
29:27
Yeah, I'm gonna call my place gum and ammo because when you're walking out there is an ammo shelf
29:32
You can't you can't buy your ammo from so your gun supply stores. Well, yeah, it's just ammo. Oh ammo supply. Yeah
29:38
Just just ammo. So what do you think about gums and ammo? I think it's a great name
29:42
I think it's probably it'd be cool if you maybe a stuck a bullet in somebody's mouth, you know
29:46
It took a tooth out stuck a bullet in there. You know
29:52
Just stuck the barrel of a gun
29:56
The bullet have to come out of a gun
29:58
No, just take just remove it just remove it to in their mouth
30:01
Just remove a tooth and and cement a bullet into their mouth. It's like an action hero threatening somebody. I
30:09
Don't mean stick the barrel of a gun in someone's mouth until they just start pouring sweat and then threaten them
30:15
I don't mean to do that
30:18
But if it comes to that
30:20
That's what it takes to get the job done at the end of the day. You're a dentist if they
30:25
If they keep denying my services murder is always on the table
30:29
No, I also think it's a great name and I think it stops there. Okay. That's where the goods kind of stop
30:35
The rest needs a little work, okay
30:37
It does so you wouldn't be comfortable in my in gums and ammo by Zach DDS
30:42
Well considering only like one person can be in the waiting room in a time no telling how long the way it's gonna be
30:47
The only thing I'd be comfortable about is knowing that you're well rested
30:50
But the only thing I would be worried about beyond that is your work only last 10 minutes
30:54
So if you're not done in 10 minutes, yeah, that's a sitting in the chair
30:58
I'm next 30. Yeah, so seems pretty
31:02
Improper you out of that chair. No, so I'm still hogtied. Yeah, you're tied into that chair
31:07
I just kind of a nuzzle up next to you and fall asleep. Yeah
31:10
I'm worried about how he's like when he wakes up though
31:13
Because if anybody's ever taken a 30 minute nap most of the time they wake up a little groggy and wishing they had more sleep
31:18
Yeah
31:19
So it's like the first two minutes of that is him getting out of his yeah, yeah, then you've only got eight minutes in good work
31:28
Let's last a while. That's why the waiting room is so bad. But yeah, I'm never gonna fall asleep at the wheel very rested
31:34
Yeah, well unless your drive is more than 10 minutes
31:37
I
31:40
Guess you pull over
31:42
Maybe I would just I would just move into your office if I were you yeah, I wouldn't dry fly
31:48
I hope y'all feel comfortable. I hope Hunter would come to my I wouldn't molest you so yeah, I guess we all got that
31:54
Oh, yeah, we would really low. Yeah, we didn't molest we wouldn't molest you Hunter
31:58
So come on to our
32:01
Dentistries so that was a hypothetical this week. We get a little what did they say going on for us?
32:08
So we'll hop into that real quick. Wait, wait, what do they say?
32:22
We need to figure it out fast all right this week on what do they say if y'all don't remember the segment basically what the title says
32:29
We take a situation and we try to figure out what do people say in that situation this week?
32:34
We got people with speech impediments a great group to target. Let's make fun of people that can't help themselves
32:40
Exactly, that's the QD specialty
32:44
So I got some snares here boys
32:46
I want y'all tell me what y'all think someone with a speech impediment would say what they in this situation
32:51
People with those people all right situation number one someone's speech impediment gets an argument with their wife
32:57
What do they say they're never gonna say? I'm really sorry
33:01
Really so you never never say that to your wife if you're in an argument
33:05
Yeah, never admit fault they would you know try and plead their case and they say I was whistling
33:11
Why are you always so serious?
33:15
All right, so what do they say when they're in a traffic stop cop pulls them over that's a really cool gun
33:22
I
33:25
Was speedy off the owl, what are we just driving?
33:33
Do I need a wall down this window
33:37
What do they say to their dying grandmother
33:42
Jesse have me in her last will and testament I didn't think you're where we gonna die
33:48
All right now imagine this person in a bar fight. I will break this bottle over your head
33:57
You will we think you're a tough guy, huh?
34:01
You're not that tough you think you're twang
34:05
All right, what do you think they say in an intimate moment you get you'll you'll give them me an election
34:11
I'm walk hard. I'm sorry. I'm so small
34:21
Got me speechless
34:24
All right, what do you think they say when someone tells them listen to the questionable detour podcast?
34:30
Which you should tell all your friends with a speech in the pandemic go and listen to us
34:34
Just tell your friends in general, but they'll say exactly this even if they talk normal
34:38
You can they can listen to just tell your friends probably say these guys are not that great
34:44
These guys are with haunted
34:46
got your dicks
34:48
They've been a speech impediment
34:51
These guys are douche bags. What do you think they say when they find out that their best friends a neo-nazi?
34:59
You know how people do relatable you don't like to juice
35:03
What's wrong with the juice so you just listen to whitewap
35:14
The swatheka make sense now
35:17
What do you think they say when someone sees their search history? I swear that wasn't me
35:24
It's not what it looks like
35:27
What do you think they say when they realize they have a speech impediment
35:30
I
35:32
You silly
35:35
That doesn't sound like me
35:37
I'm a great speaker
35:39
That makes a lot of sense
35:42
Stuff aware
35:46
I'm really good at saying my always
35:48
I'm really good at it. We're really topping the suicide one from last week
35:52
I thought I thought that was gonna be our worst one the speech impediments gonna be our worst. Oh
36:00
Man is that going through a phase right now
36:04
Listen to me. Yeah, people might find this dark
36:08
But I would let everybody know that might find this offensive
36:11
I myself and somebody that suffered from a speech impediment early on I couldn't say my arse
36:17
I said my name like Zach only I had to go speech therapy for that on a nerd. Yeah, so
36:23
I'm sitting here going through what they might say that was me
36:27
From when I started talking probably about fifth grade
36:31
I could save ours and it's unfortunate that my name has so many ours
36:41
So I just want you to know I can make fun of people a speech a minute because I am one of those people
36:46
I had to fight it every day
36:49
And Evan and I both we know Zach so yeah, we had to live with that yeah by proxy, you know
36:55
You know I can make I can say that joke because I know somebody with speech
37:01
We say things like well, I think speech people with speech impediments should run for office
37:10
That's another segment of what would they say
37:13
Are strictly non offensive segment what did I say if you're offended by it as a person with a speech impediment
37:20
Don't email us send us a voice note. Tell us
37:24
How angry you are at us? We want to literally hear your frustrations
37:30
We want to hear why we are
37:33
retarded
37:34
So as many listeners might know is we is questionable detour crew get ourselves into a lot of
37:42
Sticky situations, but one of us tends to get themselves in a stickier
37:48
Situations than the other two and that's Alan Alan. He lives a wildlife carefree reckless when I get out of this studio
37:54
I am unhinged no pants
37:57
No, no unshaven
38:01
Screaming at the top of his lungs at all times flip-flop. We're a kilt made of out of three bandanas
38:06
Well because Alan lives this way he's in the news a lot and Evan a lot
38:13
Evan has an article from the Wall Street Journal a very reputable. It's weird. They're mostly finance, right?
38:20
Mostly finance. They took a step out of their element. Yeah, when you get news
38:26
Situations like this. They're like we have to write about it. Yeah, there's no way you don't and what's it saying the Wall Street Journal?
38:32
We interrupt this program for a breaking news story
38:35
Breaking news
38:37
Hold on this breaking news
38:41
So the Wall Street Journal wrote a little work up on Alan here and it says this an unusual and perplexing
38:47
Terminal events a man named Alan has recently come under scrutiny for his peculiar actions towards lumberjacks in a remote forest community
38:56
Local authorities were alerted when reports surfaced of Alan engaging in bizarre and unsettling behavior aimed at these working
39:02
Individuals eyewitnesses recount strange encounters where Alan would approach lumberjacks in the midst of their demanding work dressed in a
39:09
mismatched outfit of polka dotted overalls and a top hat
39:12
He purportedly carried a boombox blurring circus music and performed impromptu juggling acts with chainsaws
39:19
Causing significant distress and distraction to the lumberjacks. I'd say
39:23
Reports further indicate that Alan attempted to engage the lumberjacks in unusual discussions on topics such as the history of Mime Artistry
39:31
and the physics of unicycles these bewildering conversations let the lumberjack scratching their heads as they struggled to focus on their vital tasks and
39:40
One particularly unsettling incident Alan is said to have organized a lumberjack talent show deep within the forest lumberjacks were coerced into
39:47
participating in eccentric competitions like log rolling while balancing on rubber balls and performing interpretive dance routines with their
39:55
Chainsaws this event disrupted their workflow and left many feeling both uncomfortable and frustrated as authorities investigate Alan's motives for these peculiar actions
40:03
Tensions in the forest community continue to rise lumberjacks are demanding an end to these bizarre encounters and return to a more focused and safe
40:11
Environment the community remains baffled by Alan strange behavior and is anxiously awaiting resolution in this puzzling case
40:17
So I don't know hoppy. Yeah, you know just hanging out with the lumberjacks
40:22
Do you think every one of them is named Jack and lumber's what they do?
40:25
We that's do you think everybody is just their their career and then their name?
40:31
I think lumberjacks, they're doing the right thing. I think every job should go by occupation simple name
40:37
So I mean if I'm gonna break you guys down to your to your simple names
40:43
I would Evan would be a computer Evan
40:46
Because as far as I know he just does things in the computer
40:49
I couldn't I couldn't tell you what his job is to save my life and Zach you would be help you walk Zach
40:56
Okay, I like that. Yeah, so
40:59
It must be confusing for you to enter into this probably close-knit community of lumberjacks
41:05
They just call all of them Jack. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but they all respond though
41:10
So it's because you're yelling at them
41:14
Sometimes sometimes the loudest decibel gets the most attention
41:18
So Alan, what's the inspiration behind your outfit here? It says polka dotted overalls in a top hat
41:24
Is it just overalls like do you have a certain under it?
41:26
It's just overalls and then I've cut polka dots out of a fabric and just glued them all over my oh
41:33
So it's overalls didn't originally have polka dots. No, no, that's a little little homemade thing
41:39
That I that I kind of whipped up the other night
41:41
So I assume throughout the series of events it becomes less polka dotted cuz the
41:48
Doesn't exactly keep him sick. Well, I'm an active guy and sometimes the more active you are polka dots
41:54
They do tend to fall off. Yeah, especially when the overalls get soaked and sweat from you juggling chainsaws and you're riding
42:01
Unicycles. Yeah, whatever else you may be doing to these lumberjacks
42:05
But basically my goal out here in these woods with the community of jacks is
42:10
I'm against deforestation. Okay big environment guy. We talked about that before. Yeah, a huge and we're you know
42:16
This podcast is big environment guys
42:18
We don't we don't think that you should kill the earth
42:21
But if you're gonna do it at least do it in a fun way lumberjacks not a fun
42:25
Well seems kind of seems kind of boring. Yeah
42:28
I'm out there trying to distract these these jacks just to do anything
42:32
I can't to keep them from cutting down trees. Absolutely. Yeah, and by anything you mean wearing distracting clothes and
42:39
Keeping them occupied by the most boring conversation about yeah, unicycle physics. I think it was mime artistry
42:47
Yeah, well, you know, there's there's a huge history and I don't you know
42:50
I don't I don't mean to get into that with you, but I mean, it's a rich history give us a snippet
42:54
I think mimes they first came around you're sourcing yourself
43:00
I've heard I've heard it said now. I'll cite the I'll cite the source is Alan
43:07
In this in this case history Alan he he's so eloquently put it one time sure this wasn't Alan DDS
43:13
Facts about mimes. No dental dental Alan is doing his own thing
43:18
He's he's being a nuisance elsewhere
43:20
But you know mimes date back to really really the Native American times
43:27
Before they had use of language
43:30
They just they just use their hands to point to things. Sure. You know look over there. Yeah
43:37
I did it. They did a lot of they also say look over there. They did not say that as an audio medium
43:42
I guess you have to explain that you guys what I what I did is I did a good one finger point. Yeah
43:51
We do a lot of things like a place in their hand directly over their eyes and indicating that they were looking in a certain direction
43:57
See far and the Sun was up. Yes. They're a huge one back in the Sun. Oh
44:02
Well, let me tell you I'm already bored. I'm already falling asleep if I were trying to cut down
44:07
48 feet trees
44:09
They have a lot of feet
44:13
48 foot trees. I would be falling asleep right now. I'd be very frustrated. That's the goal
44:18
I want those trees to stay up at the same time
44:21
I would be very cautious when I am cutting down these trees because I'd be like
44:24
Oh, what if there's a mime under here because they're in the back of your mind now? Yeah in the back of your mime
44:31
And you're like what if there's a mime under here and they're just not screaming at me to not chop the tree
44:36
Yeah, they're just they're just down there about to get smacked by the tree moving the arms
44:40
It turns the it turns the whole woods into a minefield
44:46
Where did you what did you learn how to juggle chainsaws?
44:50
Did you juggle were you just tossing chainsaws in the air and it was just people frantically
44:56
Running out of the area yet juggling is a little bit of a loose a loose term for what I did
45:01
They kind of talked you up in the article. They made you seem very skilled. Yeah. Yeah
45:05
The Wall Street Journal there. I really think that a regular journalism is not for them
45:10
I think they need to stick to financial journalism
45:13
Thank you guys for
45:15
Suggesting that I was actually juggling chainsaws that that wasn't really what I was doing. I was throwing chainsaws at people
45:24
They really messed that up. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean I can see how you know with a positive spin on it
45:29
You could probably say that that's juggling. Yeah, did they ever touch your hand again after you throw you ran and picked
45:35
them up
45:37
Pick them up
45:39
I didn't have to retrieve them. Yeah, I mean that's kind of a juggle
45:44
Very loose definition of juggling
45:47
It touched your hand twice. Really you don't from this article. You don't seems like somebody that really sticks the definitions. No
45:54
No, no, no, no, no the article does mention that you organize a lumberjack lumberjack talent show, but it's specifically says deep within the forest
46:04
Does specify that yeah, you did not do this on the outskirts
46:09
Yeah, I was I was really worried about a somebody stumbling into that
46:15
When you get a bunch of jacks around and they're just and and they're they're showing off their talents
46:20
You know that could probably draw a bit of a crowd and that's that's not what I want
46:24
I want I want this just to be for them. It's good that you're humble and you're not doing this for tension and publicity
46:30
No, you're doing it purely for your environmental
46:34
Not a phone in sight. No jacks having a good time. Just jacking it out. You know just jacking off
46:40
Just jacking it, you know, I went in a bunch of dudes and deep in the forest just jacking it
46:50
Just showing their talents of how they jack it
46:55
You know, I knew it was gonna come up
46:58
Yeah, oh man, but where the where the lumberjacks already deep in the forest or did you kind of pied piper them?
47:06
Deeper into the forest. Yeah, what I did is I
47:10
With a banjo, I'm sure
47:12
With a banjo it says you had a brought a boombox didn't it?
47:16
Where did not have an article did it say you had a boom it said he brought a boombox playing circus music when he was doing this
47:21
That was at the beginning, but when I let him down there. I did sort of pied piper them
47:26
I would I would kind of sneak along opposite sides of them. I would rev the chainsaw in the direction
47:30
I wanted them to go you were hurting them. Yeah. Yeah, just like you know sort of like a sheepdog
47:35
Kind of I just would rev the chainsaw up. They'd all come this way because they think who work
47:40
Work to be done. Did you hear that work? I?
47:44
Remember you put
47:45
Flannels like along the path that you wanted them to go so they kind of like run along pick one up that ooh piece of candy
47:51
That's right. Yeah, oh flannel. I love her jack can never have too much flannel. That's right. That's right
47:56
Yeah, and then I also had some some cut out to the brawny man
47:59
Yeah, just in case in case my guidance was a little too subtle
48:04
You seem like you tried to relate to them based off of the things you were wearing
48:08
You did I chose a different route
48:12
I think it's good to open their minds a little bit too
48:16
That they don't come in contact with a lot
48:17
I assume you mean open their minds figuratively and not with a chainsaw. No, I'm gonna leave I'm gonna leave that to
48:23
Probably like Dr. Jack. Okay, okay
48:25
All right, so you pipe pipe or them with a chainsaw noises enticements of work
48:31
What was it like when they finally got deep within the forest and was there like a stage with lights and what the talent show
48:39
Look like for those jacks. There was a there was a stage the lights were actually just a series of tiki torches sure
48:46
And they just hard to run electricity out. Yeah. Yeah, I mean we're like like the article said they did get that correct
48:51
We are deep within the woods
48:53
It's more like the deep woods is like a feeling, you know, like you you know when you get there
48:58
I think I've been to the deep woods before yeah, so for you it's a feeling you get to the deep woods
49:03
And yeah, it's just you're kind of strolling along and you just kind of stop and you know look around you're like
49:09
Sort of there's a satisfaction that comes about you the forest reaches out to you, you know, and it says
49:15
You guys have made it. This is where you should have a lumberjack
49:17
This is where you should have a lumberjack talent show and with the tiki torches it makes really begs the question
49:24
as the talent show went on and people started kind of getting voted out did you have like a
49:29
Ceremony for voting who was the weakest who survived wasn't surviving. Yeah. Yeah, we so we actually had a camera crew out there
49:40
What kind of goes back under what we're saying earlier, but camera crew is good. I'm sure it's for your own personal library
49:45
We just we recorded them as they wrote down names and stuck it into a
49:52
Bucket, you know and they would kind of give a little snippet as to why they think so and so didn't do a good job
49:58
I do we have a snippet of where those lumberjacks
50:01
Think we might now Jack just didn't have what it takes to cut it out here
50:06
He just wasn't wearing his flannel the right way. I'd see him go hate to see him go, but love to watch him leave
50:18
A little homo erotic
50:20
Yeah, I think I'm gonna be voting off Jack
50:25
I noticed his interpretive dance routine and while I while I understand that he he did his best
50:32
It was technically not proficient
50:34
I
50:36
Think there's a lot that he can work on I think his song choice was poor
50:41
The outfit didn't do him any favors. Sorry Jack
50:47
Now in that clip he says the song choice wasn't any good, but all you had was carnival music
50:54
You only see music you brought was carnival music each
50:57
Each lumberjack carries a cassette tape in their back pocket. I don't know if you guys were aware of that
51:03
Did y'all not know that I did not each lumberjack carries?
51:07
They're assigned a cassette tape at the beginning of their at the beginning of their job and they carry it around with them
51:13
And that's the that's their song
51:16
Man, what what the winner of the talent show get wasn't an extra day off
51:21
They they don't have to work another 12 hours. Yeah
51:25
They they they got an extra day off and that goes back to me just wanting to keep that forced
51:30
Yeah, so do you even have the power to do that?
51:33
But at the same time we got to remind you you're not their boss. You're just a lunatic
51:40
But also feel like they get they only get paid for the hours they work
51:43
Yeah, they don't really get paid time off. No, so you really just told them
51:47
Hey, you're not gonna make money today to support your family reminded them that they're hourly not sorry
51:52
That's something that everyone loves to you. Yeah
51:56
Honestly, and I'm just I'm just saying this to you guys because we're friends. I'm kind of sick of the lumberjacks
52:01
I mean, they're they're fine for a little bit, but I would not want to live with one seem like a one-trick pony
52:06
Yeah, yeah, they got a thing and that's it, you know is
52:10
It is weird that you keep going out to them then
52:14
I don't like them, but I I like the forest more than I like them
52:19
So I'm just I'm just trying to here's a cause you're just there to get just trying to save the environment, you know
52:24
Oh, man, there you go. There's another adventure of Alan getting into some shenanigans
52:30
Just shenanigans sizing
52:33
Yeah, yeah shenanigans eyes and eyes
52:39
It's all Alan does just got there and shenanigan eyes shanning galvanizing
52:44
But thank you to the Washington Post for going out of your comfort zone and writing about Alan Wall Street Journal
52:50
It's the Wall Street Journal
52:53
Thank you to the Wall Street Journal for going out of your comfort zone and writing about Alan
52:58
He doesn't tell us what goes on in his day-to-day life
53:01
We gotta talk more about that. Yeah, we never bring these things
53:04
The only time we ever learn about Alan outside of being in the studio is through news articles from very
53:10
Very reputable news sources. I like to keep my my work and private life separate
53:16
I don't I don't like to bring my outside troubles into the office. That's right
53:21
I don't want to burden you guys
53:24
Not burdening burdening us with anything in your life. Yeah, it seems like a mess
53:31
Seems unhinged it is and directionless
53:35
All right, that's that's a wrap on episode 28
53:40
Evan give give the folks and the lumberjacks out there one line or wisdom
53:45
You're scared of what happens when you sleep, but you should be more scared of what happens when you're awake
54:01
You okay
54:03
Got a lot of debts
54:06
They can't collect in your sleep
54:09
All right, Alan one line or wisdom for the Saturday workers out there
54:13
Everybody is always so worried about father time. What they need to be worried about is uncle osteoporosis
54:24
Which works together with father time
54:27
It's just more specific they work together. Yeah come to a common goal
54:31
You often see them walking hand-in-hand
54:39
I kiss every now and then
54:41
It's not weird. Oh
54:44
Man, there you go. There's two wisdoms for you if you have a hypothetical
54:49
You want us to answer be like Hunter be like all the others that came before him
54:53
We're big hunter fans. I think I mean he had a he had a good he had a good question. Yeah, very very relatable
54:59
Yeah, need advice from the wisest people on this planet go to write in question with the tour podcast at gmail.com
55:06
But uh, all right boys. I want to be done. Yeah, okay
55:10
They call me a lumberjack, but well it's hard work. I need a lumbar jack