Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 309. 6 Years In, 2 Years Living Together & Zero Romance Left - When Did We Become Room Mates?

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309. 6 Years In, 2 Years Living Together & Zero Romance Left - When Did We Become Room Mates? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I need.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Your advice.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Are you okay?
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: What happened? Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to our bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: This is the place for you.
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: Hello, everybody. Welcome back to She Rises. If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Ashley and Tiana are your hosts, and we're very excited
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: to be here. This is basically a time where you
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: get to come in and submit your sticky situations or
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: something that you would just like outside advice from, and
• 0:39
  Speaker 3: this is the advice we would give to each other
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: if we were in your situation. So what have you
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: got for us today?
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: So this episode is six years in, two years living together,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: and zero romance left. When did we become roommates? Hello ladies,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: I am wanting some advice on gender roles, house cleaning roles,
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: and how to not feel like a housemate with your partner.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: We have been together for six years, lived together for two,
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: and we have hit a point where we feel like housemates.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: At the start of the year on Valentine's Day, we
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: sat down together and had a lovely date and set
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: aside some goals together. We set some travel goals, financial goals,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: and some things to put in place when we're upset
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: or having a disagreement and how to move around that.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: We also set rules for date night and just things
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: to keep it interesting and spicy. And it all sounded
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: all so good and all well. We did it for
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: a little while and then we kind of just stopped
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: and don't really follow through with it. I'm in the
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: mindset of is if he's not going to put in effort,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: then I'm not going to give it back.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Don't get me wrong.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I do go out of my way and do things
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: for him and plan things. But a lot of the
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: time I feel like I need to see the effort
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: from him to go through with it and to do
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: it often. We have been having some conversations lately and
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: we both feel that there is no romance and we
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: say that we want to do all these things and
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: it all sounds good and well and then we just
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: don't follow through. There is a bit of resentment on
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: my side in regarding to the housework because I pretty
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: much do everything and my partner doesn't do much. I
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: get very resentful, very annoyed and around shutting down for
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: about an hour so I end up voicing it to him.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: He says he'll change and he'll help me and then
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: it lasts for a couple of days and it just
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: doesn't continue. He says that he feels like he can't
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: do anything right, which I can see where he's coming from.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: But at the same time, I feel so alone. I
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: feel like I do everything. We sit down and we
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: put into place each night that after I cook, he
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: washes up, he does the bins, and then we just
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: help each other clean on the weekends.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: But we just don't follow through.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: It's like we talk the talk, but we don't walk
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: the walk. And even just the simple things. Like I've
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: told him multiple times before we go out of the car,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I've been taught that you take all of your things
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: with you and you don't make your car a tip.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: The other day, he left his thongs, his flannel shirt,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: his full cup of coffee in my car. And when
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I went to put my drink bottle in the coffee holder,
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: his coffee was still in it. So I took it
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: out of my car and I threw it at the
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: steps on the front path. I ended up splashing up
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: the side of the house and all on the concrete path.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: He noticed it and not in a malicious way. He
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: said that he's just not cleaning it. And I got
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: annoyed and said, well, you should clean it because I
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: told you to get that out of my car and
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: you told me twice that you would. I just get
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: annoyed because he says all these things and makes promises
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: and doesn't follow through with them. I've wrote to you
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: before about his drinking problems, which have definitely subsided and
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: he's not doing it as often. About two months ago,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: we put agreement in place for him to not drink
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: as much on the weekends, but then he has drunk
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: pretty much every weekend since and started to have non-alcoholic
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: beer every day after work. I ended up getting really
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: upset and not talking to him for a while, even
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: a whole day. Then we had a conversation and I said,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I still am not ready to set a boundary in
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: place that we can both agree on. So we need
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: to sit down and talk about that. There is a
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: lot of resentment, but I do want this to work.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: We do love each other, but it feels like we
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: just keep talking and not putting the work in and
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: not doing what we say we will. And on my side,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of resentment and I feel that he
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: can feel and see that, but I just feel like
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I'm telling him what to do. It sometimes feels like
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: he's my child and I just want him to know
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: what to do and just do it without being asked.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: But unfortunately, I know that he can't read my mind.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: So I want to know, how can we sit down
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: and talk about these things, but keep following through and
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: keeping consistent?
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Oh, it's a tough one.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: They're not following through. We have this conversation all the
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: time around men and how important leadership is.
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: And when a man doesn't follow through in what he
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: says he's going to do, there's a crack. There's a
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: break of trust. It's not even just men. If someone
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: says they're going to do something they don't follow through,
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: it makes you not trust them. So there's cracks in
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: the relationship. And then the desire for them goes away.
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: Like there's so many layers to this. I just want
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: to touch on the last thing you just said just
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: while it's on my mind of strategies on how to
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: work through it when you're feeling really fed up and triggered.
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: Regulating yourself is the most important thing, like removing yourself
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: from the situation, taking yourself outside, having a shower, lighting
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: a candle, like breathing, just like getting yourself really calm
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: so that when you do go approach him to have
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: a conversation, it's done in a really respectful manner. And
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: then I think like, do you know that 93% of
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: communication is nonverbal?
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: That's wild.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: Isn't that wild?
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: That's so cool.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: So your body language, but like your tone, the way
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: that you word it, So something my therapist said to
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: me a little while ago was when I was frustrated
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: with Steve, when he didn't follow through on something or
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: he didn't do something that I wanted him to do
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: in the timeframe that I wanted him to do it,
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: is I felt angry, triggered and frustrated. And I went
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: to him with that energy. He then got defensive and
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: it turned into this like little thing. And she encouraged
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: me to one, go and regulate myself, two, come back
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: with vulnerability, what's underneath the anger and frustration. So I
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: think it was like to get out of the house
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: a certain time and I needed him to get the
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: kids ready. She goes, you were feeling probably anxious because
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: you're on a time limit and then overwhelmed, right? So
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: if you went in with overwhelmed and anxious rather than
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: angry and frustration and vulnerability and softness as you're expressing that,
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: do you think you would have got a different outcome? Absolutely.
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: So if you go in and you're angry and frustrated
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: and like, you didn't do this, of course they're going
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: to get their back up and you get into this
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: little argument. So my work now is to go in
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: and say, hey, babe, like I'm feeling a little bit
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: anxious and the kids aren't going to be ready to
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: get out in time. Like we've got to be here
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: by this time. Like, what are you thinking? What's your plan?
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: Because then you're also putting the leadership back in their hands.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: Because then he can be like, oh, my plan is like,
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: I'll go get them dressed. I'll do this now. Like,
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: we'll get it done in the next 15 minutes. Like,
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: all good. Yeah. When you're feeling angry, go beneath it,
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: what's underneath it. It's anxiousness. It's not feeling trusting or
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: whatever it is for you and going with a little
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: bit more softness.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: I think you'd have a better conversation. For sure. Yeah. Yeah,
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: it's tough though because a question to ask for yourself
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: too is like, are you really wanting to make this work?
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: I know you say you do, but I believe if
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: you're really wanting to make something work, you'll do anything
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: and everything to make it work and not just wait
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: for him to lead all the time. I understand you
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: want him to lead all the time, but there's two
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: people in this relationship. And I felt how you felt too,
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: like I'm carrying everything and I'm doing everything. Like I
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: can totally relate. I think most women listening will be
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: able to relate to some level, but I think you've
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: both got to be putting 100% in, not tit for
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: tat 50-50. Yeah.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: And also as well, like it's something that you both
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: have set and obviously you're looking for his leadership, which
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: I can understand because I'm also the same.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: I also do the exact same thing.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: But it's also like if something is said and then
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: not followed through with, is it then are you keeping
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: each other accountable in that?
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: Like calling it forward. Hey, like this didn't happen. What happened?
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: What can we do better next time?
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Like how can we prevent this from happening a second time?
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: Like what are you kind of doing in terms of
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: conversation to where you can call it out sooner rather
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: than later so that doesn't continuously keep happening, if that
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: makes sense. Because it sounds like you're like, oh, well,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: if he's not doing it, then I'm not going to
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: put in the effort. And then it happens again and
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: then you get disappointed again. And so it almost like
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: perpetuates a cycle instead of almost like interrupting it together.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: Interrupting the cycle, yeah.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I also don't blame you for feeling the way that
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: you do. Like the resentment is there because you're frustrated
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: because you want him to lead you. And every single
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: time that that little niggle or that little crack happens
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: it's like it creates more mistrust in the relationship that
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: dynamic which is it's hard it's uncomfortable to deal with
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: definitely but I truly believe if you listen to Brene
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Brown she has this theory on trust and it's like
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: the marble jar theory and basically what it is is
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: like trust is not one of those things that is
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: either you either have it or you don't It's one
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: of those things that's either built up or built down
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: based on what's happening right now. So like I truly
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: believe that trust is something that can be rebuilt.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: I think so too.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: And they see it as like this marble jar. So
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: like you see it, all of the little marbles are
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: evidence of like I can trust this person. And so
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: maybe right now or maybe before it was like full
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: to the top. And now right now where you're at
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: in your relationship, it's only halfway full. But you're like, oh,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: every single time that he doesn't show up, he's taking
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: a marble out of the jar.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that it's gone. It doesn't mean that
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: it's over.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean that it's lost.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: It just means that right now your focus has to
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: be about putting marbles back in the jar. And I
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: truly believe that in this season, consistency is really important.
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: I think so too.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Because it's like, you know, he might show up three
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: times and then on the fourth time not show up
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: and then you'd be like, oh shit, he's done it again.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: But because you're holding onto the resentment, it feels heavier.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: So conversations are great so long as both people are willing.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: And I think sometimes things can fall on deaf ears
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: if the other person is not willing. So- That's a
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: conversation that you get to have with yourself and also
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: with your partner around like who's actually willing and if
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: you guys are willing to show up together and like
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: make change as opposed to just talk about it. And
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: then what are you going to do on your end?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: Because all you can focus on is what you can control,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: which is how you show up in the dynamic and
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: what you're choosing to do to contribute to you guys
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: moving forward together. So like what's your part in this
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: and how can you like clean up your backyard so
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: that you can support this dynamic moving forward?
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: If that's what you want.
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: And I love that accountability too, because I think sometimes
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: when we expect the other person to do it, we
• 9:34
  Speaker 3: then get left disappointed because we had an expectation. So
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: for the date night, for example, like a quick solution,
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: I just thought of then as like, if you're doing
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: a date night each week, like you plan one week,
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: he plans the next. When Steve and I were doing
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: date nights, we haven't been very good at it lately,
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: but when we were, that's what we did. Because otherwise
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: each week it's like, oh, fuck, I've been busy at work. Oh,
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: I thought you were going to book. I thought you
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: were going to book the last one. And it's like,
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: You're both overwhelmed with kids and work and all the things,
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: which is valid. Yeah. But you're both expecting the other
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: person to take lead on it. So it's like, okay,
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: this week it's your responsibility and the next week it is.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: And there's no disappointment then.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: Both get to show up. And if that person doesn't
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: show up that week, that's when you get to have
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: that conversation. Some things I do with my kids, I
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: also do with my husband as in like, choose your battles.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: What is worth having argument?
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Is it that important?
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: I know the coffee cup thing is annoying. That would
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: drive me bonkers too. Steve's so messy in his car.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: I'm like neat as fuck. Like I don't like leaving
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: shit in my car. It really annoys me. And it's
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: the same in our bathroom. It sounds so stupid, but
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: like I like to fold my towel over and it's
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: perfectly neat after I've had a shower. So it can dry.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: So it looks pretty. He just like chucks it over
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: the shower or tucks it into the bar, but like
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: doesn't pull it through.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: Oh, it.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: Dries me nuts. And for a while I was picking
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: at it and I was like, babe, just, this is
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: how I like the towels folder. Can't you just like
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: push it through so it's not scrumpled up and it
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: can dry. It's like, yeah, sorry babe, sorry babe, sorry babe.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: Then in the end I was like, Choose your battles.
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: It takes me literally two seconds to do it. My
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: connection with him is more important than like the towel
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: being perfect. So there's just moments now where I'm catching
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: myself being like, is that worth starting an argument, having
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: bad energy, him feeling like he's not doing good enough
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: or like he's being criticized over something. It's not worth
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: it for me anymore. Yeah. So the coffee cup, I
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: get it's frustrating, but like also is it worth breaking
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: the energy or can you be playful about it? Like
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: I remember you told me one, was it you or
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: another friend when like the toilet seat, but you said
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: something that was really playful. You were like, oh, good job.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: Like you nearly got it. Was it you or someone else?
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: It was me. It was me.
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: It was funny though.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Like I've also been in a house full of women, right?
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: I haven't really had to live with Men other than,
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: you know, being at home with like my brother and stuff.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: But it was always a.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Thing to like put the toilet seat down. I like
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: to put the toilet seat all the way down so
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: that I don't look into the toilet.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah. That's just what I like.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: And, you know, Gran would come around and like he would, yeah,
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: like just start leaving the toilet seat up. I remember
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: one time years and years ago this happened with an
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: ex-partner and I fucking fell in the toilet. I fell
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: in the toilet because he left the toilet seat up
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: and it was the middle of the night and I
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: fell in in the middle of the night.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: And after that I'd been so scarred. So with Gran I.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Was like, Gran, do you want me to fall in
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: the toilet? I can, if you want me to, I'm like,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: you left the toilet seat up. And I'm like, not
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: in this house. I'm like, I don't want to go
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: through the toilet. I'm like, you don't, might not have
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: that problem. But if you leave it up in the
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: middle of the night and it's dark and I end
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: up in the toilet, I'm going to be very upset.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: But it just kept making it playful and playful. And
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: he also received it really well too.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: He was like, oh, I'm so sorry.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I'm not used to like having to be conscious of
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: these things and whatever. So he's like, oh, I didn't
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: even realize that I did that. Like, So he was
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: also playful too.
• 12:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: Playfulness is a skill, I think, to bring in relationships.
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: I've done it with the dishwasher too. When Steve put
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: it on the bench, the dishwasher was like, we don't
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: have our maid coming today. I totally thought we don't
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: have a maid, by the way. But I was just like,
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: we don't have our maid coming today, so you might
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: have to put that in the dishwasher. She was like, oh, fuck.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: But I was like, I'm going to make play of
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: this because, yes, it's annoying, but also, like, you can
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: put your own dish in the dishwasher.
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: And you know what's funny, too?
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes we're not fully conscious of the things,
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: the little habits that we have until somebody points it out. Like,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: something that I know that I've done previously until my
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: sister pointed it out living together was that sometimes I
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: can leave the cupboards open. Oh, fuck.
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: Steve does that too yeah right and like and I
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: leave lights on it's normally like early in the morning
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: I'm getting ready for a coffee yeah and now I'm
• 13:20
  Speaker 4: like oh it looks really messy okay close yeah for
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: sure you don't realize because it's a little habit that
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: you don't notice yourself until someone points it out and
• 13:26
  Speaker 4: then you're like oh shit okay I do that yeah
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: so I.
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: Think bringing playfulness to those little things and just asking
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: yourself the same with the kids I'm like is this
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: worth a battle or is it like it's not that
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: important yeah and I think the coffee cup the towel
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: situation for me even the dishes sometimes I'm like it
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: is not important like Especially depending on where they're at too.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: Like it's been a heavier work season for us and
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: it's just a heavier time. I'm like, I care more
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: about how he feels than how my towel looks. So
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: just ask yourself that question. But I think that's where
• 13:51
  Speaker 3: the danger comes in when you've already got resentment is
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: it's just stacking, stacking, stacking. So something that wouldn't normally
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: upset you because you're so stacked and the resentment's there.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Little things are ticking you off a lot quicker. Oh, yeah.
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: And that's like a dangerous cycle to get in. So
• 14:03
  Speaker 3: you kind of want to break that cycle. But, yeah,
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: there's definitely conversations to have of how willing you both
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: are and if you're both really wanting this because if
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: nothing changes, nothing changes. And if you guys don't start
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: actually following through on your word, and this is you included,
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: it's not just him.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: Then you're going to be in the same spot six months' time.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: The resentment's going to be bigger and the relationship's going
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: to continue breaking down and it's pretty much over anyway.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: So like really be like, okay. And one thing Tony
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: Robbins does, which is really cool, is like I went
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: to his relationship course years ago, very long time ago
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: now actually, but he does like a 90-day challenge. So
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: when people are on the brink of divorce or they're
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: going through a really hard time, they're stuck in really
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: toxic patterns, he goes, give it 90 days. In this
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: 90 days, you have to not complain, not whinge at them,
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: not pick on them, give no criticism. Mm-hmm. It's all
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: about filling your partner up. Both are going to do
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: that for 90 days. If at the end of the
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: 90 days, you still don't want to be there, you've
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: got your answer. But if you go 90 days where
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: you are fully filling each other up, because you used
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: to do that at the start, at the start, you
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: would have done anything for them. Absolutely anything. Take out
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: the trash, of course. You would have done anything for them.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: And as time goes along, you're like, fuck, I don't
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: want to do that for you. People get stuck in
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: those cycles. So give it 90 days where you're going
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: all in and watch your relationship transform and And I really,
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: truly do think that is such a cool thing you
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: can go through together. And like I said, at the
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: end of the 90 days, you're like, this just isn't
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: it for me. At least you know you can walk
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: away knowing you gave it your all.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah. You've done everything that you can to bring it together.
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: I think that's so beautiful. I definitely think that's worth trying.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: And also as well, like what Ashley was saying with
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: the resentment thing, it's like the coffee cup is going
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: to bother you if you're not addressing the big things.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: It's like how we do one thing is how we
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: do everything in those situations. If we're going to avoid
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: little conversations, like we're avoiding the big ones, you know,
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: and it will come out in the little things. So
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: you might have like an outburst and be like, oh
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: my gosh, the coffee and throw it. And like, it'd
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: be this big thing that feels little, but feels emotionally
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: big to you. But it's because of all of the
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: times that have stacked that you've wanted to create closeness
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: and not gotten it.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: It sounds like to me, all you're wanting is actually
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: just connection.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: Both of you. Yeah.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: And I know from one myself, like I can get
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: real bratty if I don't have the level of connection
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: that I'm wanting.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: And I start to like get a little.
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: Bit like, a little bit pissed off and a little
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: bit annoyed, but I don't want to show up in
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: that way. But it's like the part of me that
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: is wanting to be seen, heard, nurtured, felt is like
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: almost acting up like a little tantrum.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: No, I get it.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: It's like clocking those little parts.
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely. And also there could be a situation where
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: your partner's just not willing and can't be fucked and
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: isn't showing up. This is the thing where it's like
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: you look in the mirror, like if you were knowing
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: you were giving it 100%, which you're not right now
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: because you're like, oh, he's not doing it, I'm not
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: doing it.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: If you are showing up getting 100% and you do
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: that for 90 days or however long and he's not
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: meeting you, that's a boundary. That's a standard. You're allowed
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: to have that. You deserve to be in a relationship
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: where you're being met where you want to be met.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: And if you can love hard and give and do
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: all the things, you want a partner that's going to
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: be able to do the same for you. It might
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: look slightly different, but if you can see he's really
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: not trying, that's a decision that you have to make
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: and that's something you get to look at. And is
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: that the kind of man that you want to be
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: with for the rest of your life? We don't have
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: enough context to tell you what to do. But they're
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: the things that we would be looking at if we
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: were in your situation. Yeah.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Because you did say that you feel like you're telling
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: him what to do.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: And unfortunately, when we are talking and not setting boundaries,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: we are telling somebody what to do.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Like that's the reality of it.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: Definitely.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: Because you're saying, I need this from you. I need
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: this from you. When that person is currently showing you
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: what they can and can't give. Yes. And then what
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: your responsibility in that is to decide based on what
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: you're receiving and If you want to continue with that
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: or not.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Absolutely.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: That's your responsibility in all of this.
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: And at the start, she was talking about chores. I
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: think that's a conversation to have. I don't like the
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: tip-tattle 50-50. Steve and I are a very good team
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: when it comes to that kind of stuff. But there's
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: certain chores. I think I've said this on a previous podcast.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: If I'm repeating myself, I apologize. But there's certain chores
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: I just don't like doing. I hate mopping and I
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: hate taking out bins. I never touch the bins anymore.
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: Steve just knows it's something I don't like to do.
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: So he just does that daily. That's just a thing
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: that we discuss. But until I brought that forward, he
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: didn't know I hated them. And there's certain things he
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: really doesn't like doing. And so I do that. And
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: it's like, cool, we've both got our roles, we've both
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: got things, and there's things we do together. Or some
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: nights with the kids, it's like, do you want to
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: cook or bath the kids?
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: It's like, oh, I feel like cooking tonight. Cool, I'll
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: go bath them. And vice versa, we swap around and just.
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: depending on our capacity, what we feel like doing. We've
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: got to communicate. Like it's not fair he's expecting you
• 18:08
  Speaker 3: to do everything, but have you communicated to him, I
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: really need some help with the housework. Like how about
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: I do X, Y, Z? Do you think you could
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: do X, Y, Z each day so that we're working
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: as a team together? Or let's put some music on
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: and like smash it out together. Like on the weekend
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: we did that. We had an hour like, okay, we're
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: going to clean the whole fucking house. We had an
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: hour timer on, music's on, and we all did our thing.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so good.
• 18:26
  Speaker 3: Paid Taj 10 bucks to help out. He did his part.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: So good. Steve's mowing the lawns. I don't want to
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: mow lawns. He went out and did that. There were
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: certain things I did, and it was just like, cool.
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: We got an hour, and then we got the whole
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: day to go to the beach and have a beautiful
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: time together. Yeah. That was cool, but a lot of communication.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Again, this is also you getting clear on what you
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: do want and what you don't want, not based on
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: expectation of what society tells you you should do or want.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: What do you actually want? How do you actually want
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: to live? Because I think this is where women also
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: end up building resentment. They just do things that they
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: think they should do.
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: And then they're not appreciated for it. And then they're like, well,
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to do that anyway. So why am
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: I even doing it?
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So get clear on what you want and voice that.
• 18:57
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And what you want is going to look different
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: to me, you, and every other girl. For sure. Don't
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: listen to society. Actually check in with yourself. So I
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: hope that helps. Got some big conversations to have.
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: Good luck. Yeah. Good luck. Thanks for joining us, guys.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: We'll see you in the next one.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Bye.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Bye.