Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Use Direct, Open, Kind Words To Get Laid... OR JUST TO BE A GUY YOU'RE PROUD OF BEING

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How To Use Direct, Open, Kind Words To Get Laid... OR JUST TO BE A GUY YOU'RE PROUD OF BEING · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I am going to talk about how to actually
• 0:14
  mobilize your empathy and caring in order to make your wife want
• 0:19
  to be intimate as per usual. So before we get to that, please
• 0:24
  do subscribe. I have lots of great episodes,
• 0:26
  including why stay-at-home moms? If they are depressed, May
• 0:32
  benefit from going back to work. And that is something that
• 0:36
  sometimes they feel ashamed about.
• 0:37
  So I made this podcast. So anyway, subscribe for that
• 0:40
  one, and all the other ones about sex and relationships.
• 0:43
  And what have you, all right? So I've gotten the question
• 0:48
  sometimes, okay? So if you're more empathic and
• 0:50
  more open more vulnerable and all these things that you say,
• 0:53
  then how does that like actually translate into not just your
• 0:57
  wife like being happier with you because you're like, all of a
• 1:00
  sudden nicer which I can understand.
• 1:02
  But what about, how does that actually make?
• 1:04
  Her want to have sex with you if she's somebody that doesn't want
• 1:07
  to have sex. Well, I mean, first of all, if
• 1:10
  she's happier in the relationship, she's gonna want
• 1:15
  to make you happy back. Unless she's a sociopath, which
• 1:18
  she's not likely, because those are there very low base rates of
• 1:22
  that. So, let's not engage in the base
• 1:24
  rate fallacy here. You know, the average woman is
• 1:27
  not a sociopath. So therefore very, very few of
• 1:31
  you are going to have a wife who's a sociopath If she's had
• 1:35
  so many empathic ruptures with you that she feels absolutely.
• 1:38
  No closeness to you, then sure you being nice.
• 1:42
  This late in the game as it may be going to fix anything but you
• 1:45
  could certainly try, right? So what would this actually look
• 1:49
  like, people love when I do role plays.
• 1:54
  So here's what it would look like.
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  It would look like you saying to your wife sweetheart, I see that
• 2:00
  you had a hard day. I love you.
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  I love that. You're such a good mother to our
• 2:04
  Kids and let's just watch whatever you want on Netflix
• 2:08
  tonight and you do that and you say, what about the part where I
• 2:13
  ask for sex? Well, listen, if you're not
• 2:15
  doing that, which a lot of you are not doing because you're so
• 2:19
  resentful that, you're no longer nice and you're no longer kind,
• 2:22
  then that's the first step. The first step is just being a
• 2:25
  nice guy. And now there's like all this
• 2:28
  shit when these people like read these other things.
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  They're like, what about nice guy syndrome?
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  I address this thing in. Podcasts on why women like nice
• 2:36
  guys. I am not talking about guys who
• 2:39
  are like not actually nice and we're just trying to get shit by
• 2:43
  acting knife. That's not what a woman likes.
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  A woman likes a secure kind confident, nice, nice.
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  Remember the definition of nice from the dictionary Pleasant
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  agreeable, you know, like people love that agreeableness is a
• 2:59
  trait that's linked to marital satisfaction.
• 3:02
  Obviously, to just means that you're not a Fighting asshole,
• 3:06
  right? So I have lots of stuff on how
• 3:08
  being defensive difficult in argumentative.
• 3:10
  Makes your wife hate you and not want to have sex with you.
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  So the opposite is going to be true.
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  Is she going to experience spontaneous desire upon seeing
• 3:17
  you now? Do I have explained?
• 3:20
  This she is not because you are monogamous and so therefore, she
• 3:24
  will not ever probably experienced spontaneous desire
• 3:27
  toward you, unless she is ovulating, but she will
• 3:30
  experience responsive desire, most likely, especially if she
• 3:33
  is premenopausal. But not perimenopausal pre.
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  Like she has not gone through menopause yet, and her hormones
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  are all working at somewhat of their initial intended levels.
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  Then she will experience responsive desire, assuming
• 3:48
  that, you know how to please her in bed, which again is pretty
• 3:51
  big assumption. If y'all have not been having
• 3:53
  that much sex. So refer back to various ways
• 3:56
  that I've told you to be better in bed including the very first
• 3:59
  podcast and the oral sex one and like all the other ones.
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  But anyway back to the A point. You start got to start just be a
• 4:06
  nice forget about sex. Once you're the kind of guy that
• 4:09
  she Associates with. Oh when he opens his mouth, good
• 4:12
  things happen, not bad things. Not all my God.
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  What's he going to say? Is he going to sulk about
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  something? What did I do?
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  What did I not do? I know we don't have sex enough,
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  is it going to be some bitching and moaning about that?
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  What is it going to be now? Oh my God, that's how a lot of
• 4:28
  women think the inner monologue and you know what, it's not like
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  men are better. Because when the man sees What
• 4:34
  many things are fucking doesn't have sex with me, doesn't even
• 4:37
  like me. God damn.
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  Why am I in this life r-r-r-r-rah?
• 4:41
  Right? So everybody's bitter, so
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  there's no gender that wins. Nobody was the beginning of the
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  problem. As you got further and further
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  from the honeymoon stage, everybody started to get off
• 4:52
  their best behavior and the women sex drive dropped more
• 4:55
  than the men's, but that does not mean that there is some some
• 5:00
  plot, some evil thing that's going on.
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  That's so nefarious. That the woman just has it out
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  for you or anything like that. It's two people that had a
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  series of empathic ruptures and resentments that are trying to
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  make their lives work as parents and partners.
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  So this is the usual situation when we are not dealing with a
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  very low probability sociopath. So once you get down the oh
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  sweetheart, I love you seems like you had a bad day.
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  Blah blah, blah. Just nice literally being nice
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  and loving then you And attain a higher level and the video game
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  and you can go up to. Hey, I feel so close to you
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  because of x y z and you look beautiful.
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  Let's go upstairs. She's going to say yes.
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  The first time probably not. Probably.
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  She'll wonder, you know, like did you have a lobotomy if you
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  don't usually talk like that. But if she says, why are you
• 5:57
  trying to be so nice? Like you'd be like well I miss
• 5:59
  you, I miss having sex with you. I figured I'm going to try to be
• 6:02
  nicer. Maybe it's that you always.
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  As you say I'm an asshole so therefore I'm trying to be
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  nicer, be honest and real and open you know?
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  I mean you what's going to happen you're not going to get
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  laid you know that outcome of writing, right?
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  So what's the worst that could happen?
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  You try to be nice and then you don't get laid.
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  That's worse than not trying to be nice and not getting late.
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  How at least when you're trying to be nice and kind, you have
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  possibly a shot in Hell, whereas otherwise, you don't.
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  So most women do not want to humiliate their husbands, if a
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  man Zat you with this whole romantic shpiel at, he's
• 6:37
  obviously trying embarrassing to say no you know it certainly
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  embarrassing to say like a just a no full stop and not like a
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  rain check or anything like if you comment things very nicely
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  then your wife will probably want to play ball in some way.
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  You know, she will not want to leave you hanging out to dry
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  there. Unless again, of course this is
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  your first foray into being nice and there's been a lot of water
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  under the bridge. Uh, John both sides, I'm sure.
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  And everybody has been so nasty to each other for so long that
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  she doesn't even like, remember how to be nice to you when you
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  try this. But never fear there's couples
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  counseling and if you cannot make any Headway by being nice
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  and sweet and open about why you are trying and how much you love
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  her and how much you value her and you get nowhere at all, then
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  couples counseling can help. When people tell me that they
• 7:32
  had all these couples counselors, it didn't work.
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  Well, I know like, you know, like, not everybody's me, you
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  can come see me. There are plenty of good ones,
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  you know. But people get like, say, oh,
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  but my couples counselor didn't act like you, okay, but they
• 7:45
  could have had other things to talk about.
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  What I will say though is, if you're in couples counseling,
• 7:50
  they better be talking about sex.
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  If you have a sexual problem, if you're in couples counseling,
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  and I've said this before and they never mentioned sex because
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  they think that magically, you know, if you work on the
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  emotions, the sex will follow, it's not true.
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  So you need to get with somebody that it Least is actively
• 8:05
  working on your sex life. And another thing is that people
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  will come to me as a therapist of Last Resort.
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  You know, because I'm expensive but it's like.
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  So is it cheaper to work with someone else first and then work
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  with me? I mean what are we talking about
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  that stupid? So if you think at all that you
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  would benefit from working with me, don't do what so many people
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  end up regretting doing which is deciding to work with somebody
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  else for a year. Who is cheaper?
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  Let me tell you something. Whole bunch of cheap sessions
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  for a year. It first of all, it's a year of
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  your finite life. Also, that's more expensive if
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  you eventually end up working with me or somebody like me
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  because you paid for them and then you paid for me.
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  So, you know, this is just I've spoken to a bunch of these
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  people recently. So it's top of mine but and also
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  it's cheaper than a divorce. Is the key line that everybody
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  says who's a therapist. So the point being though you he
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  all right you want another role play that seems to be the money
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  shot what people want. So another role play would be
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  Let's go upstairs, I'll give you a back rub and then hopefully we
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  can be close and buy clothes insert your euphemism for sex
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  here. So many people, it's interesting
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  that have no sex life, don't even have a euphemism because
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  they don't have any Pillow Talk. They don't have any cute little
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  things to say because they like never talk about sex ever.
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  So that is something to work on is to figure out like, oh, when
• 9:28
  I say x like it's going to mean we have sex and that could be
• 9:31
  like a nice thing especially if whenever you Let's go upstairs
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  and have sex. Your wife looks at you like, you
• 9:37
  are disgusting. She may just not really like the
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  words. Listen.
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  We already know that she's not super, like open-minded.
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  Like this is not a shock, but, so she doesn't like the words,
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  like, who cares figure out, then some words that she likes by
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  saying something. Like, honey, I noticed that when
• 9:54
  I say, let's go upstairs and have sex, you don't like that.
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  So what would you like me to say you see how easy that is?
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  It all comes from. Not that I'm an expert.
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  Roll player but that I can think about like what am I thinking
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  and then how do I get it out of my mouth without another filter?
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  Except always say something nice.
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  Like honey sweetheart or what have you?
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  But if you are honest and open so you probably spend so much
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  time thinking does she want me to say the word sex?
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  Does she not want me to say the word sex?
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  What does she want me to call it anyway if you've been in this
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  situation? So what I'm saying is take that
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  thought and literally just express it out of your mouth.
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  This is very hard, if you did not grow up in a family that
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  Express things openly, but you can learn to do it with
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  practice. So that's why I could do the
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  role play on the Fly. You can learn to do it too.
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  If anything that you're thinking, just comes out of your
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  mouth. So, in this case, you would say,
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  honey, I noticed that you look at me with disgust when I say
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  the word sex. What else do you want me to say?
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  And then she'll tell you something, she's not just gonna
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  look at you. She'll say something or other or
• 11:01
  another example of something that men have trouble saying to
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  their why Ives is like do you want to have sex like at a
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  specific time and a specific way.
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  Blah blah blah. What do you think of my
• 11:12
  technique? Well guess how you say it?
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  Do you want to have sex at a specific time?
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  Oh yeah. What time would it be?
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  Do you like to have sex in a specific way?
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  Oh, what way, they literally like this is literally what I'm
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  saying, is you just gotta talk, you just have to talk and take
• 11:30
  the filter out and you will gain so much information by just
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  asking. Things directly.
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  Do you like how I have sex with you do you think I am good at
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  that? I hear that there's books on how
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  to go down on a woman, do you think I should read one of those
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  books? But the key variable here is you
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  got to get your ego out of the game.
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  If you want to communicate more effectively with your wife,
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  about sex or anything else, you got to get your ego out of the
• 11:54
  game and you got to make yourself open to feedback.
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  I have a podcast on how to be more open to sexual feedback or
• 12:00
  maybe it's a post, I don't remember.
• 12:02
  But anyway, Google sexual feedback.
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  But dr. Psych mom, but the point here
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  is, if you are defensive none of this will work.
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  If you're a defensive, no, communication will work.
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  She thinks that you're a big baby.
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  She thinks that she can't talk to you about anything without
• 12:17
  you losing your shit. And then you get her your worst
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  fear. She will lie to you because when
• 12:23
  she tells the truth and you act so sulky.
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  So your worst fear for example, is that she would lie to you
• 12:29
  about whether you're good in bed.
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  If you act defensive and difficult, you are ushering.
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  That she will, of course, lie to you about whether you're going
• 12:37
  to bed because she doesn't want to deal with the Trap and all
• 12:40
  that will hit her when your ego detonates, you know.
• 12:44
  So the best way to make sure that you can communicate,
• 12:46
  effectively to your wife is to do your internal work in your
• 12:49
  own individual therapy on how to not think of other people's
• 12:54
  opinions at. So goddamn important.
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  And I have a podcast out on that.
• 12:58
  And it was like why how he could stop caring what people think or
• 13:03
  whatever. And I have some Mantra in there
• 13:05
  that's like fuck those people. So, in this it's kind of an
• 13:08
  ironic Mantra because would be fuck your wife.
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  That's what you want to be doing, is fucking your wife.
• 13:13
  But in this case, you would be saying, fuck her.
• 13:15
  Like not like in a sense like I'm being mean about her.
• 13:19
  But all right, so she thinks that I could give her better
• 13:22
  head. All right.
• 13:23
  Good to know I mean kind of but who cares like it's not like it
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  doesn't mean anything about me as like a man.
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  It means that within the context of are extremely close by In
• 13:34
  marriage with minimal practice. I have not attained like, Guru
• 13:38
  status at cunnilingus, what shock would that be?
• 13:42
  You know, I mean shit you got to get off the bench, you know to
• 13:45
  get good at you know, baseball, that's the sport with bench,
• 13:48
  right? So like if you've not had that
• 13:51
  much experience with your wife and she's been very close to
• 13:54
  communication, how could you have gotten better?
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  Do you think God fuck it? Fuck are, you know I mean to
• 13:59
  really like how could I have gotten better so it's not like a
• 14:03
  thing where I'm some Person with a learning problem.
• 14:06
  It's like, I never got feedback. So now thank God.
• 14:09
  I'm learning to shelve my ego and maybe I'll get some
• 14:11
  feedback, you know, it's just got to be like, whatever the
• 14:15
  larger macro problem is, the one you're looking to sell the
• 14:20
  micro. Short-term problem, is temporary
• 14:23
  ego pain. Because somebody says something
• 14:25
  you don't want them to say, you can't stop people from saying
• 14:28
  things, you don't want them to say without real problems so you
• 14:33
  can certainly stop. Your wife from ever being honest
• 14:36
  with you, you might have done it already by acting defensive and
• 14:39
  difficult, but that doesn't help that doesn't help your problem
• 14:43
  at all, because nobody listens to this show, because their
• 14:45
  marriage is perfect. So, obviously your marriage is
• 14:47
  not perfect and no marriage is perfect.
• 14:49
  But, you know, it's like Animal Farm.
• 14:51
  Some of us are more equal than others.
• 14:54
  The point I'm making is, if you want to communicate with your
• 14:57
  wife, you got a fucking communicate with your wife.
• 14:59
  You got to put your ego on the shelf, and you have to just
• 15:01
  speak the things that you are thinking.
• 15:04
  Unless They are insulting, don't insult her.
• 15:06
  Do not say what I'm actually thinking is, if you were not
• 15:09
  such a narrow-minded, bitch. No, you stop yourself that.
• 15:13
  That is not your best self talking, you know, you be
• 15:16
  honest. But be honest about the things
• 15:18
  that you want without name-calling without character,
• 15:21
  assassination without blaming without Shifting, the blame.
• 15:25
  And if you can do these things and you will find that your wife
• 15:27
  is far more open to the idea of sex, then you think, because
• 15:31
  this happens all the time people come into being couples.
• 15:34
  Like possibly after sojourns with other couples counselors
• 15:38
  frequently. Actually that were not as useful
• 15:42
  and they say she's never going to be able to talk about sex.
• 15:46
  She doesn't talk about sex. She wouldn't do it in the last
• 15:49
  the last counselor you know what happened, the last Council has
• 15:52
  literally never asked her so why do you like in bed?
• 15:55
  What do you want him to do? What's the issue of?
• 15:56
  Why you won't have sex with him? What do you think about sex?
• 15:59
  What did you think about sex growing up?
• 16:01
  What do you think about in terms of this sex life?
• 16:04
  How Would you want to do it? Is he any good at this?
• 16:06
  Is he any good at that? What could he get better at?
• 16:09
  I'm not scared to ask questions. You can't be scared to ask
• 16:12
  questions. You could probably find out the
• 16:13
  same shit from your wife that I could, you know, but you don't
• 16:17
  know to ask her openly and of course, I'm not going to be
• 16:21
  defensive because we're not talking about whether I can go
• 16:24
  down on your wife, we're talking about you.
• 16:26
  So I get that, it's totally normal to take it a bit
• 16:28
  personally, but if you take it overly personal, you're never
• 16:31
  going to get the feedback and the data that Need in order to
• 16:35
  have the close and connected and open sexual relationship that
• 16:38
  you want. So, that is some more concrete
• 16:43
  ways that you could think of when you're thinking, how can I
• 16:47
  really mobilize this whole being nice thing, and get it to have
• 16:50
  some effect on our intimacy? Well, this is how you just say
• 16:55
  things in a nice way after having set up a frame where she
• 16:58
  comes to associate you with a nice person.
• 17:02
  That guy, says nice things, my husband died.
• 17:04
  I can count on him to say something nice.
• 17:06
  He'll say something comforting and reassuring.
• 17:08
  Certainly not us. So key defensive difficult, man.
• 17:11
  My husband rather he is the source of pleasant interactions
• 17:15
  interactions that I can count on to make me feel positive, right?
• 17:19
  If you are that person you are shot of her wanting to have sex
• 17:24
  with you even if it's only at first just for you and it will
• 17:28
  be because of responsive desire, your chances of gone up by
• 17:33
  exponents, right? Right?
• 17:34
  Because she no longer thinks of you.
• 17:36
  As somebody who never says what they mean, some passive
• 17:38
  aggressive bullshit indirect sulky - etc, etc, etc.
• 17:43
  All right, so please do join my Facebook group, so you can have
• 17:47
  more interactions with me and tell me more what you want me to
• 17:51
  write or talk about and follow me on all my social media
• 17:56
  channels. I don't think there are any
• 17:58
  social media channels that I am now, not on, including YouTube,
• 18:01
  Tick-Tock Instagram, Twitter, all of them.
• 18:05
  So I'll talk to everybody soon. Have a great day, guys.