Latest / Black Girls Heal / #313: The 3 Best Partners for Love Avoidant Archetypes

Transcript

#313: The 3 Best Partners for Love Avoidant Archetypes · Black Girls Heal

• 0:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to somehow make them curious enough.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll persuade them by hook or crow to get more aware of themselves and where they came from and what they are into and what is already there.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just to bring it out.
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is what compels me to compel them and I will do it by whatever means necessary.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: We'll talk to the Black Girls Hill podcast where we talk about healer, intimacy disorders, and resolve trauma, and building a healthy relationship with first ourselves, and then others.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every episode, we will talk about advice you can apply today to bring unhealthy patterns and grow in your self-worth.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Shinella Shay, I love addition coach and trauma specialists.
• 0:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's begin.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hello, welcome to the latest episode of Black Girls Hill.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Today we are talking about love avoidance and how they can find love.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Love avoidance is a systematic way of putting up walls to avoid filling emotionally overwhelmed by people when it comes to being in relationship with them.
• 1:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a way to create safety.
• 1:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a way to create distance.
• 1:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the thing about love avoidance is not mean that you do not want relationship.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Does not mean that you don't want to be in connection.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: What it means is that you don't want to be pained by being those relationships.
• 1:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have had experiences, whether or not it's childhood trauma, adult relational trauma, or any kind of mixture of between, where when you have allowed yourself to be open and receptive to people who were supposed to live, you supposed to take care of you, supposed to attend to you.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: They ended up leaving you, harming you, using your sensitivity, and your vulnerability against you, or doing something that was emotionally overwhelming, intense, intrusive,
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Loki, a phobia of yours because it can't be trusted and because of like I said, their connection to pain, withdrawal, harm, emotional stress, emotional neglect, and so you have learned how to be more self-aligned when it comes to emotional nurture and so you have learned how to
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: push those types of connections away.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: But again, that does not erase the need for it, which is why you find that a lot of people who are love avoidance, they will swerp and down that they don't need relationships, so create a whole lot of distractions.
• 2:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: They will create a whole lot of temporary partnership, spend the end of the day.
• 2:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: They really don't want to have all the games.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't want to
• 2:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: continue to have to put on the show to have up an armor that you're in to be in relationships and partnerships where they can be safe, where they can relax, where they can be seen, where they can be taken care of, even if they're still unfamiliar to them based on their previous backgrounds.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is something that they're heart and their souls year and four.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's where we're going to talk about today.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to talk about the three ways that love avoidance can find love.
• 2:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is part of a series.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I had an episode last week where I talked about lip addicts, so people who are confusing the persistent obsession of a person, a relationship, or the fantasy of a person, a relationship, and mistaking it for love.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: people who are in perpetual unhealthy relationships of people who are unavailable for them.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I did an episode for them last week.
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I talked about the four archetypes that were created by me, that describe what are the different types of love addicts and how each of them can find love, the type of partners they need to look for, the positive poly about them.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what we're gonna do here today.
• 3:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So for love avoidance, I have three archetypes that I've created, according to my system of helping people heal from this.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: By the way, I should probably introduce myself and a machine Lashay.
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a licensed therapist by trade.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am a love addiction in trauma coach and I help women heal from the symptoms of love addiction, love avoidance and the child who trauma that causes it to make way for her better relationships with themselves and with others.
• 3:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've been doing this work for our over a decade at this point and so I've created tools and programming to help them and break these cycles on their own.
• 4:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: There have been systems that I've created and within those systems there are three archetypes of love addicts that are found to be very common.
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to break those down today along with all the other things that I mentioned.
• 4:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So go ahead and get a pen and paper if you're ready to learn.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: The common denominator when it comes to all love avoidance is that there's this push pull cycle.
• 4:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So even when they meet you, if they like you, they want you to be close, but not too close.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: They want to be able to see you, to touch you for you to be at the distance that they want you to be at.
• 4:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: When they want you to be there and for you to not come any further, otherwise it's intrusive.
• 4:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: It needs to be invited.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: The thing about love avoidance is that
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes imitation doesn't come, and sometimes when the imitation does come, there's all these contingencies, and there's all these tests, and they are impossible tests.
• 4:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Little boy does have really great as a discernment a lot of times, but sometimes they are not clear that their discernment is actually their trauma, that feels very real.
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: It feels just as intense, it feels just as heavy as all the other times that they thought things about people, and they were absolutely right.
• 5:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: What might be red flags as actually these are places I've been harmed before and so I will push away the people who are not good for me And I will let in the people who are not good for me people who are love avoidance are really great at cutting people off And a lot of times they're really great at having receipts for it and so it's only when you start to look back and you start to say at this point There has to be someone that is available for me
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've gone years, I've gone decades, being able to cut off friendships, cut off relationships, cut off people were supposed to be helping me because they did me wrong.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now I'm just tired of it.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just need to find a relationship a person a place that is finally safe.
• 5:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there comes a time when the love of what it used to look at.
• 5:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's not that I'm so good at breaking down when there's problems with everybody else.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I'm good at that.
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And there's some place in me where my tolerance is very low.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to have standards.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's actually very good to have standards.
• 6:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is that maybe there's some emotional traps I'm laying for people and maybe it's more than my perspective.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a little bit skewed.
• 6:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Based on the ways I've been hurt before, maybe that means that I'm choosing people who are just going to validate what I already believe.
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: People who are just going to reinforce my own thinking patterns.
• 6:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so maybe in a room of 100 people, I pick the people who are toxic, not because I actually want that, but because that's kind of where I'm tuned into.
• 6:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's where your own personal work has to start to be able to tune into people who are healthy so that you can be more vulnerable and available to people who are not going to harm you.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so like I said, for each one of these archetypes, I'm going to say the title, I'm going to describe what it is.
• 6:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to talk about the positive quality of this archetype, and then also the type of partner that she needs to look for to break this cycle.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm also going to talk about what is the fatal flaw.
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is the problem that she runs into that makes this hard for specifically her archetype.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Of course, this can happen across archetypes.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: It can happen with people who don't even identify those love avoidance.
• 7:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Same thing, with lots of episodes about love addicts.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for her, this is what I was suggest for her to work through these problems and to break the cycle.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: All the different people that I'm talking about today, by the way, are people who actually want to be in relationships.
• 7:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: For the people who are who feel this way and are very content with living a hermit lifestyle, living off the grid, it just being them, their pet bird and their household, then that's not who I'm talking to right now.
• 7:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking to the people who have lived in a void in life styles, had a void of defense mechanisms.
• 7:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you are still at the end of the day craving wanting your any for some type of partnership or companionship or connection and it doesn't have to be romantic It could be platonic it could be just friendship it could be community it could be tribut but the problem is is that for you
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: being not connected is an issue for you.
• 7:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that is the case if you're someone who relates to any of these archetypes and you're like, I wish I'm fine feeling this way, but I wish I had some other people around me or another personal around me while I felt this way, then that is what we're trying to solve.
• 8:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is a problem that we are here to solve.
• 8:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the first archetype is the people avoided.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I don't know that sounds kind of redundant, right?
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we all have those people.
• 8:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we are those are those people who will walk around and say, I can't stand people.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just pay people.
• 8:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just rather be my myself and not really connect to other people.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that is who this archetype is.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: But wanting to have that one person that's the exception to the rule.
• 8:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for this person, her positive poly is her discernment.
• 8:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: All these archetypes, again, are beautiful women where their strengths are incredible, but sometimes they're turned into overdrive, which is what makes it kind of hard for them to turn it off.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: because it's their default state.
• 8:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the person who lives in this archetype is the main type of avoidant, it has great discernment.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: The type of partner that is great for her is someone who respects her wisdom, who respects and listens to her intuition, who can hold space for that, who is self-confident and not really bothered by her.
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: cynical point of view at different points in time.
• 9:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: So as you heal, there is no right model for what a healed woman is supposed to look like.
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: For some folks who are really outgoing and really intense when it comes to their personality, depending on who you talk to, some people may say, well, you got to taper that down to be healed woman, you have to be like,
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: light and airy and all the stuff and girl, if you have fire in your veins, that is who you are, then we lead it with that.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's can I have balance with that?
• 9:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do I use fire everywhere I go?
• 9:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do I just go around burning everything up?
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: or can I temper it a little bit when I need to.
• 9:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the place that is what I choose, can I have a filter and softness with relationships that are very important to me, where I can still be truthful and I can still be honest, and I can still be my full self, and I can still shy, but I can also make space for other people's experiences, and I don't have to choose between the two.
• 10:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of times from my folks who are called Appendance is very common for my clients to be people who are more soft spoken, who are maybe a little bit more apologetic when it comes to sharing what it is that they need of what they want, that may be a little bit more passive, and so again, depending on who they talk to, they may talk to someone who's like, you got to be bold and you got to speak with your chest and all this stuff.
• 10:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: But to the place where it might change their personality.
• 10:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so if you're someone who is naturally self-spoken, you can be self-spoken, but carry a strong energy inside of you.
• 10:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can be very secure and who you are and be unmovable and have standards.
• 10:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when you tell people, no, it doesn't have to be like, no, get out of my face, but it can be like, no, and that's a complete sentence.
• 10:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you can lean into however that looks like.
• 10:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the reason I'm bringing this up when it comes to love avoidance.
• 11:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this aspect is a lot of times this archetype is someone who tends to be a little bit more cynical, who does lean into, I hate this type of person.
• 11:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hate this group.
• 11:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hate men.
• 11:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hate whoever.
• 11:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: A need to be connected to someone who can hold space for who you are.
• 11:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: who knows exactly who they are, who doesn't feel threatened by you having your own opinions.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it's also able to be that same space for you as well that you're not always in competition about who's right and who's wrong.
• 11:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because the last thing is that someone who's avoided needs is to come home and be fighting with someone.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Come home and be fighting with someone to be validated and to be heard.
• 11:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's the reason why you may choose to be alone and push people away all the time because you don't need to have that type of overwhelm in your life.
• 11:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you need someone who holds that best base for you.
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: The fatal flaw for the avoidance is her disarmament as well.
• 11:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is not always the case for all the archetypes for all the other ones is different, but this is what I mean about sometimes what feels so true and so real for you.
• 12:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's exactly on point.
• 12:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it is your nervous system saying,
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: get closer to this person.
• 12:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: They may want to spend more time with me.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: They may see some things about me.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're just something about this that I don't like.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like this feels kind of ikey.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not knowing that the ikey feeling is probably because this is person that will require you to show up.
• 12:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: and share more and answer feelings about how you feel during the day without just letting you blow them off.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that can be kind of scary when you've been able to deflect for a long time.
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so the love of way it needs to do work to learn how to turn this off.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: She needs to do work to also be able to discern what is a red flag and what is not.
• 12:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: When I work with my coaching clients, people may think if they don't align more with love addiction, they got it covered.
• 12:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: They can think, I'm so good at reading people, I'm so good at using my intuition, my discernment to tell them someone is off.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the thing about these folks is like I said, everything is a red flag, everything is an issue.
• 13:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: they can come to me and they're good at inventing reasons to push people away.
• 13:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they may come to me with a hundred point lists of what their rat flags are, right?
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or what are the things that they just won't take?
• 13:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we'll do that and then they may meet someone who meets all the stuff, but now they have to find another reason.
• 13:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: to push them away, but it's something that is not actually relationship destroying, but it is that intimacy and connection and closest is the trigger and not necessarily what is happening in the relationships.
• 13:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they need help, they need outside perspectives, they need clarity on why I said that I keep doing this and what is the common denominator and why does this show up for me and so those are things that we do together.
• 13:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: The second archetype is for Miss Poppy there.
• 13:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Miss Poppy there is the person that has a whole group of friends in connection and community.
• 13:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this may be someone that on the outside you consider to be an avoidant because she has her hands in a lot of different places, a lot of different groups.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may be very beloved and very much love others.
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: So she's always at the center of the baby showers of the bridal parties.
• 14:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is the head of committees and organizations.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is the person that people call and that she checks in on people all the time and all that stuff, but here's the thing, the way that she is able to remain below the surface is that she has so many different people, so many different relationships that she spreads herself through, so she doesn't really need to go deep with a lot of people because she has just enough connection to them before there is another set of weeks and months before she connects to them again.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's no one that she is every day talking to going deep with sharing her pain, sharing her thoughts, sharing her hard moments with, unless they're already over.
• 14:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so from his popular Emmae take her a while to discern that she actually has issues with her romantic relationships because she is surrounded by so much love, but also the thing that's happening for her is that she doesn't really feel seen.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may be the person that she's wondering when is someone going
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why am I putting so much emotional work into the relationship, but no one's matching that energy, and this doesn't have to be relationships that are actually truly People who are energy drains, but like I said, she's so good at taking care of other people and being a part of all the groups.
• 15:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And thinking about things and being proactive with things before other people are so when people don't think the same way that she does or don't put in that amount of intensity, it feels one sided.
• 15:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe y'all I'm gonna throw this out here.
• 15:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if I've filmed this hell here before when I've talked about this Maybe you are in relationship to people who actually have very good boundaries and so it's not that They're not generous.
• 15:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not that they don't ever take care of you But they are able to find a way to balance taking care of themselves and others a lot of times people who struggle with love avoidance and not necessarily just as archetype but we may be people who were
• 16:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: trained that were groomed that were brought up to take care of other people before ourselves.
• 16:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so it is our automatic response.
• 16:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So another people don't lean into that sacrificial murder role.
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let me do whatever I can for you because I love you and that's not their first response.
• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: It feels like they don't love us.
• 16:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're really maybe they learned how to love and more balance healthy way.
• 16:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they have a different love language than you.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they are someone who is very responsive when someone asks for what they need and that is how they
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it doesn't have to be so black and white, but that is a common thing that happens with those of us who are avoiding it because we've had to learn how to make these snap decisions.
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: We've had to learn how to be in a connection with someone to be in our conversation, to be in a room with someone and make a split decision if this person was safe or not safe because if not,
• 16:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: that can mean months, weeks, years of being taken advantage of, harmed emotionally abused, neglected by this person, being made a full love.
• 16:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I knew when I first met you that shouldn't have trusted you.
• 17:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now these all these consequences that we have to face because we didn't follow our first.
• 17:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: intuition.
• 17:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the puzzle quality for the person who is mispopular is her connection.
• 17:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is able to be in a room being groups and really be able to discern, be open, be empathic with the people around her.
• 17:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is what you're connected to her.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is one of the best friends that you can have.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is a light and a delight.
• 17:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is funny.
• 17:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is open.
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is consistent.
• 17:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is true.
• 17:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is loyal.
• 17:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: She is fantastic.
• 17:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, if you ask her too many questions, he will start talking about you because she won't get busy.
• 17:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: She will find some ways to split attention in some way and that is at the core not really what she wants.
• 17:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, her fatal flaw is her ability to be able to...
• 17:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: lean into these connections that are just surface-level enough that but don't require her to be seen because that is scary.
• 17:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may not call it scary, especially if she's just starting her healing journey.
• 18:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: She may think that she just has just hasn't found the person that it clicks with.
• 18:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: That just makes it make sense.
• 18:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But really, if she had any of the people in her phone book, any of the people in her DMs, anyone that actually sat across from the table from her and before she could ask them about them, they were like, okay, we're talking about you.
• 18:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's going on with you right now and they didn't let her stop talking.
• 18:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: She had to talk for at least three minutes straight Y'all go ahead.
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Y'all said a timer for three minutes and see how long three minutes is When you have to talk about things when you're used to deflecting and not going so deep So if she had to be if her feet will put to fire to talk about herself
• 18:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: What would come up for her?
• 18:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Which would be like, oh, great, finally.
• 18:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Someone who's finally asked about me, or would she now be in face with this thing that she's asked for, want to run?
• 18:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is why she needs to do some inner work around this.
• 18:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of times when it comes to love addiction and love avoidance and all the things that are intimacy disorders, we can mistake thinking that if I just find the right person,
• 19:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: None of this is going to matter anymore.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if I find the right person understands me that matches me, I'm giving you all the qualities of the different type of people that you need to connect with.
• 19:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: But if you're not breaking these cycles and doing the work that's underneath, that makes it so that you can receive this, you're going to continue to push these people away.
• 19:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: You need to learn how to not only pick the right partners, but to heal the trauma underneath it that causes it and then have the skills to connect to those people as well.
• 19:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is a three part system and all three of those are super layered and they are unique to different people there's patterns, but they're unique that is why I've built a whole platform that's why I've built programs around it.
• 19:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I stepped into coaching to help y'all understand what that looks like the BJ method is my program on how I help women do that how to break down each of those different methods right on each of those different stages to create real change in your life.
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, if this is something you've been doing on your own, if you've been working with a therapist, you may love your therapist, but there's still some roadblocks that you fix.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is the next step for you to break those cycles to get that awareness to understand, okay, this is the nuance.
• 20:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've been using a screwdriver here, but really I needed a hammer.
• 20:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe this is something that I thought I needed to fix, but maybe this is something I actually need to accept, and this is how I can lean into it, and this is how I can utilize something that I've been self-rejecting my whole life, but it's actually my strength.
• 20:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe this is a way that I can work with vulnerability and learn how to be vulnerable with the right people, and this is how I pick these people.
• 20:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I'm vulnerable, this is what it looks like, so that I take out all of the heavy work,
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: of it's never been modeled to you.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's never been given to you in a way that's understandable.
• 20:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so now that I'm with someone, now that I'm connected to the right friendship, now that I'm connected to the right partner, I'm just supposed to automatically know how to not let this explode in front of me.
• 21:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's not how it happens.
• 21:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so use a BJ method that is a built-for-e tool to help you do all this process in 90 days.
• 21:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I made it so that it's accessible for people that you don't need hand holding so that you can make this work for you because I know every single woman who listens to this podcast and it's a part of this community is committed to herself, committed to her healing and she's ready to make a change for herself and for the generations to come.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can check out the BJH method by going to blackgirlshealed.org slash method and you get started immediately.
• 21:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: So here is the
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: She needs someone who has emotional depths and requires emotional depths from her as well.
• 21:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: She needs emotional depth, deep emotional intelligence, and requires that from her as well.
• 21:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because again, she is very good at
• 21:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: laughing and joking connecting and making you feel good.
• 21:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: But going deeper and being seen, that is not something that is very easy for her.
• 22:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this is a person that's supportive, that's actually going to listen to her, that when she drops these little hooks and things about what's going on with her day, that he, she, they are going to perk up and say, tell me more, and they may be more steady with her, like they may not necessarily push her at the beginning,
• 22:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: and they ask follow questions and they're so excited to hear from me and they want to hold space for me in my hard moments and they don't require me to do or be anything that I'm not and they don't need to get anything from me in exchange and they don't hold this against me later and they don't say okay listen to you now it's your turn to listen to me it's free it's easy and she needs someone who wants that that doesn't want that's
• 22:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: life with a person but he she they will be patient with her as she goes there where she has to do the work she has to be responsive to that she needs to be someone who can see and reflect the fact that this is a person that is available for her but then she has to start to do the work to move towards him her or them because just being in a safe space does not tell your body tell your
• 23:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: The third archetype that we are willing to talk about today for love avoidance to help you know who you're supposed to look for, what this archetype looks like, her most positive quality, her fatal flaw and the type of partner that is the right fit for her is miscarriage driven.
• 23:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, again.
• 23:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: to be very clear.
• 23:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: There are positive qualities in all of these women.
• 23:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: So someone who is purpose driven is incredible.
• 23:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would dare say this probably the majority of women who listen to this podcast and the majority of the women that I work with are women who are purpose driven.
• 23:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So they are getting the degrees, they're getting their bag, they are on top of the career or they are on top of taking care of their families, taking care of their communities.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever it is, they know who they are, they know what they are here for.
• 24:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They may be multi-passionate, they may be multi-creative, and so they always have their hands and something.
• 24:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they are dedicated to their faith in their house of worship, but whatever it may be, they are out there.
• 24:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're doing good work for themselves, for others, for their generations to come.
• 24:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: The thing about the folks who are purpose driven under love avoidance, so love avoidance meaning that this isn't intimacy disorder, whereas brought to the extreme, is that it's not just that she's ambitious and has a whole lot of things, is that her relationships, her intimate connections will take a back seat to her ambitions.
• 24:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: and she does not see how often and how deep this goes because she may think that when this next project ends, when I finish my degree, when this next cycle stops, when I get this new job, when I get this promotion, there's always some in-date on where she's going to be available to people and connections, but then never comes.
• 25:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so being able to balance and find space for other people and other things in addition to the things that she's so passionate about she doesn't do and the thing about those folks who are purpose driven as a love avoidance strategy is most of us have a story where we did give up everything we met a person we had a relationship that.
• 25:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: One and a lot of our time and one and a lot of our connection is so we're like you know what I'm going to be I'm going to connect to this person and that was the wrong person and it ate up a lot of who we were what we were doing it took us off track and so we're like never again I'm not doing that ever again or I know that this is not something that I want
• 25:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so here's what I'm going to go ahead and say first, the type of partner that's best for a person who is purpose-driven is someone who has their own thing going on, but who's also self-confident.
• 25:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of times, those of us who are purpose-driven, we will find relationships that are easy to carry because we have so much other things going on.
• 26:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: So this means someone who doesn't really have a lot of stuff going on.
• 26:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we're scheduled a lot more flexible.
• 26:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so they can meet us whenever we need to.
• 26:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe we get to help take care of them.
• 26:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of people who are purpose-driven,
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: may have a background, like I said earlier, where we were caretakers for other people.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it feels natural to have a partner that we get to help out in some type of way.
• 26:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the things with those type of partnerships is that they're not equal and they become a drain.
• 26:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: They become a drain because of the person expects it or because they don't have the skill set to win you when you start to drown.
• 26:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: they don't have the foresight, the personal ambition, the character, the skill set to step up so that you can rest.
• 26:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is relationship destroying in addition to self-esteem destroying body destroying as well.
• 26:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's a lot of tension that happens in that relationship.
• 26:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the purpose of in person needs to break her cycle of finding people who are easy and finding people who are actually hurt equal.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is where I didn't say this at the beginning, a lot of folks who are love avoidance because we can be so high functioning, especially depending on these other archetypes, is that we may shoulder with our self-worth, but we never can catch up with it because we have all these other things going on that are a science of our confidence, that are
• 27:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: We may be the bosses or whatever arena we are, but when we look at our partnerships, when we look at the people that we're dating, when we look at the people that we're marrying, are we actually marrying, partnering, having the children of people who are on our level, or have we been making excuses for that?
• 27:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Is there a part of us that when we think about the type of person who would be on our level, what does our initial thought?
• 27:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: with that type of person that ever be interested in us?
• 27:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if so, why not?
• 27:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that will expose some of the ways in some of the reasons why you may be undercutting yourself as a proper driven person.
• 27:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: The information that I give is so that you can know that there is science behind this, that there's labels to this, that there are reasons behind this.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you can define it, then we can break the cycle of it.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when I talk about the deep trauma work that comes with this, knowing this information is not enough.
• 28:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: So many of y'all have come up with plans with routines, with rituals, with systems, so work through this.
• 28:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have had New Year's resolutions, have come up with your own.
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: models you've talked to chat GPT about this and it's still going on and that's because there's deeper work that comes with this.
• 28:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: There is a reason that you're more attuned to certain relationships versus others and it's about combining it all together.
• 28:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Back when I first started my healing journey,
• 28:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was all very segmented, which is why I wanted to transition to this.
• 28:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I had therapy for my codependency and for a grieving my mom, which spiked all my love addiction stuff even more.
• 28:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then I had my sex and love addicts, anonymous, 12-step music, and that was what that was for.
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then I had my own personal development and travel and all the other things I wanted to do.
• 29:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And nothing touched.
• 29:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: There was not any overlap.
• 29:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Even though everything was touching and connecting and infecting and
• 29:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: of affecting all the other things.
• 29:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I was like, we need to combine all this stuff together because there are multiple different areas that are being impacted.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so if I'm playing, if I'm doing one thing at a time, I'm playing whack-a-mole.
• 29:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I go and I'll work on my codependency with family and with other people.
• 29:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that's getting taken care of.
• 29:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm still being codependent and all these other relationships and I'm choosing people to wear, yeah, I might be breaking cycles with family, but I'm choosing people who are reinforcing my family dynamics.
• 29:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right, like, so we have to do all this together.
• 29:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can't break it up and then wonder and get frustrated with ourselves when it doesn't work out.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm saying that so that not only because I do want y'all to join me in the BJH method, because this is why I've created it.
• 29:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: But also because I know that that was a frustration for me when I first started because I feel like I'm doing all this progress and making all this progress in one area and yet these other areas feel like they're still falling by the wayside and I felt like I was constantly trying to juggle at all and I just want you to know that it's not you, it's how this is set up, this is it's the scheme that Todd set up and we can break the cycle of it.
• 30:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the last thing I'll share about that archetype because I don't think I may appear one of her strengths, one of the things that makes her amazing is her ambition.
• 30:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: You should never be in a relationship with someone that requires you to dim your light, that requires you to slow down, that requires you to stop.
• 30:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: If that is a prerequisite for you to be in the relationship, you need to halt.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: What may happen, and for those of you who have been in recovered relationships, what may happen, though, is that when you're with someone who helps heal your nervous system, is that you want to stay home, you want to stay home because you don't feel like you need to constantly run and be going and having distractions like you're not in fight mode all the time, being constantly busy and going going going is a very high functioning way of being in fight response, you're nervous system not knowing how to rest, so you have to find something to continually do.
• 31:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Once you start to heal that, you may find that you can actually start to rest and find the partnership that you're in.
• 31:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you have chosen someone who's healthy and safe and open for you to be that place that helps regulate that.
• 31:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Co-regulation is an actual tool for healing on nervous system by the way.
• 31:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: The problem is, is if you choose someone who is not healthy for you, you may start to stay in home and be more of a home body, but as because you have started to recreate that cycle taking care of somebody else, you started to recreate the cycle starting to dim your own light.
• 31:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: There may be a part of you that has been attracted to this relationship because you're like, finally, I don't have to keep being out there and looking for someone and I can probably stop and I can rest and you're overlooked some of the red flags and then maybe they're peat flags while you're looking over some of the red flags because this connection companionship fills kind of familiar.
• 31:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: But meanwhile, it is starting to drain you, maybe a little bit or a lot, and it's actually not the equal partnership for you.
• 32:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And over time, it starts to become very apparent, because you don't feel more confident, you don't feel stronger, you don't feel as if you can't believe in yourself more than you did before.
• 32:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: For the purpose-driven woman, one more thing I'll say about this is, do you want to be with the part in that not only is excited for you, when you're shining, and when you want to go do things, but they actually help you do it.
• 32:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I cannot tell you how many women that I've talked to, who have been in relationships with people who will tell me, well, my partner is verbally affirming of what I want to do.
• 32:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes, one or two things are happening.
• 32:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Either this is a person that may have said verbally affirming things, but there's other things that they're saying that are chipping away at this person's self-esteem, but they're not going to tell me because they are defending the partnership.
• 32:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: or this is a person who is verbally affirming and saying yeah you should go out and do all the stuff but because the person the woman is overcompensating all these other ways she doesn't have the energy for it, she doesn't the time for it, she doesn't have the money for it, she doesn't have the self-belief for it and so she thinks that it's her and that's why she can't break these cycles and go forward but it's because she has some dead weight on the side of her
• 33:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: and that is what is happening so all these are all the things that I want us to reconcile breakthrough to no longer bring this into our future to start that process now.
• 33:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I hope that you found this helpful.
• 33:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, the BJH method is where our healthy become balance grounded and healed and regards to breaking out the cycles, the love addiction, love avoidance and love deprivation.
• 33:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what BJH stands for, black roll seal, but also balanced grounded and healed.
• 33:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I decided to go with that as the name of our method.
• 33:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I will love to see you there.
• 33:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can join me by going to black rolls heel dot org slash method.
• 33:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: We make it easy.
• 33:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Make it.
• 33:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: something that is practical and approachable.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're all busy.
• 33:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: We all have so many things on our plate.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have the world that we are concerned with.
• 34:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have our personal lives.
• 34:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: We got our goals and maybe reframing them or moving towards them.
• 34:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so we don't want there to be any hiccups in asking in the life and love that we want.
• 34:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I look forward to seeing you there as always.
• 34:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Take care yourselves and I'll see you in the next episode.
• 34:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Bye.