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The Cognitive Shield: Why We Dismiss Our Spouse’s Needs · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for July 14, 2026 The Cognitive Shield Why We Dismiss Our
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  Spouse's Needs Yesterday, I said the first step to a better marriage is telling
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  your spouse that what they want is valid.
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  This can be a sticking point, as we tend to dismiss what our spouse says they
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  need as unfair, unimportant, or unrealistic.
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  We do that as a cognitive shield, because if what they say they need is valid
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  and we aren't doing it, we have to face the uncomfortable feeling that we are falling short.
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  We decide what they need is not important because we are different and don't
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  feel the same need Or don't feel it as strongly And our spouse does the same
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  to us And that is how we get to the place where both spouses feel their valid needs are not being met,
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  We may get reinforcement for not valid from our friends or our culture,
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  Men tell each other women want too much communication While women tell each
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  other men want too much sex The sad irony is the fact that we say these things
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  proves that these things are common needs,
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  If most women want more conversation, that means most women must need more conversation,
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  While every relationship is unique, here is a list of things that are valid
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  needs in marriage Many of these skew to one gender, but not all Respect.
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  A shared spiritual connection Support for personal growth and passions,
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  Getting out of the house together, without the kids or friends A few minutes
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  alone to relax when getting home from work Help with the kids Multiple deep
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  conversations each week, lasting for at least half an hour,
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  Non-sexual touch Verbal appreciation.
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  Regularly taking care of some household chores Sex several times a week Emotional
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  safety A decent level of order and cleanliness Alone time Couple friends,
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  I'm sure I've missed a few important ones, but this should give you an idea
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  of what valid needs look like.
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  Are you ready to set aside fear, pride, selfishness, and whatever else And tell
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  your spouse that what they want from you is valid?
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  This is Paul And invalidating your spouse's needs is not doing marriage well.