Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Healing Through Writing: Emotional Wellness, Trauma Recovery & Women’s Empowerment with Teresa Rosario-Hernandez

Transcript

Healing Through Writing: Emotional Wellness, Trauma Recovery & Women’s Empowerment with Teresa Rosario-Hernandez · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

0:00
Never shame a woman for changing her mind or her life.
0:02
This one is so big for me. Yeah.
0:07
I am so tired of the narrative. And women do this to each other
0:10
as well. Well, she's got how many
0:12
marriages? She's got how many baby daddies
0:14
and all this crazy stuff you hear?
0:16
I have two fathers with two children.
0:20
I was married twice. You cannot control someone
0:23
else's behaviors. Yeah.
0:26
You cannot shame a woman for starting over.
0:31
There is no shame in taking control of your life and saying
0:35
I'm not going to deal with this anymore just because we have a
0:37
kid together. That you know, that's old school
0:39
thinking that you have to suffer for so many reasons.
0:44
But what example is that showing that you have to give up your
0:49
life and suffer in order to give somebody else life and that's
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not the case. Like we all have one life to
0:56
live. Learn that women, just as much
0:59
as men, have every right to protect themselves.
1:02
Start over. I had to start over
1:06
realistically 3 times before I was 40 and that was I foresaw.
1:12
But I can't control me. I can't control somebody else.
1:16
Hello, welcome back to the field podcast Today.
1:19
I'm your host, Melissa Crook. I've got a new friend here
1:22
thanks to our good friends at Pod match.
1:24
They are already always, already always bringing me the most
1:27
wonderful, remarkable women who who have these, these incredible
1:33
stories. But they the story doesn't stop
1:36
with them. They see their stories and they
1:39
realize that there are resources they can offer to others.
1:43
There are Congress stations that they can lead based on what
1:47
they've learned and their own experiences.
1:49
And Teresa Rosario Hernandez is just another example of one of
1:52
those extraordinary women. I'm so excited to have her here
1:55
with me today to share her story, her resources.
1:58
She's got a podcast of her own. We're going to get into that.
2:01
She'll be able to share that at the end today.
2:03
So stay with us. But we're going to get to know
2:05
her today and how she got to where she is today and how she
2:09
determined it was time for her to start being a voice in this
2:13
area. And it's going to become here as
2:15
we go through the conversation. I don't have my glasses, so I'm
2:18
in an attempt to read my own writing of the character traits
2:23
that Teresa gave me. All in a day, folks, All in a
2:26
day. Real things happen to us here,
2:27
too at the Field Podcast. But Teresa describes herself as
2:32
she's determined. She's independent, she's
2:35
hopeful, she's hardworking, she's professional, and she's a
2:39
forever dreamer. Teresa Rosario Hernandez,
2:42
Welcome to the Field PODCAST. Thank you so much, Melissa for
2:47
having me. I'm very excited to be here.
2:48
It's been a long time waiting, I know for us.
2:51
I know, I know, I know. We talked several months ago and
2:54
I just like hang with me. I'm scheduled out a little ways,
2:58
but I know I want to have you and you were so graciously
3:01
patient and waiting. And then it is here and I'm so
3:04
excited and you're getting. This is not going to be the only
3:06
time you're going to hear from Teresa this month.
3:08
She's going to be joining us on our panel conversations as well.
3:12
I believe that's going to be next week from the time this
3:17
drops and you're going to. So you're going to hear multiple
3:19
times from her and other extraordinary women who are
3:22
really showing up and providing safe spaces for women who have
3:27
been in the similar experiences that you've been hearing about
3:31
this week on the field podcast. And, and we'll get into that as
3:34
we go along today. But to start with Teresa, talk
3:38
to me about the importance of prioritizing self-care in your
3:42
life and your journey with that. This has been a journey for you.
3:46
And so I want you to talk about how you have come to the point
3:50
you are today. Well, for me, self-care has been
3:55
very non linear. It's been a very non linear
3:58
journey. I have had a lot of ups and
3:59
downs in the past couple years. So I always say on my podcast,
4:04
it's not always spa days and bubble baths and pedicures, even
4:09
though I do advocate for those. Sometimes it's just hard
4:13
choices, right? Like walking away from people
4:16
that or situations that might drain you, that might pull your
4:19
energy or saying no without guilt.
4:24
You know, I've spent my entire life being a yes person and
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never realizing that's what I was and being so scared to say
4:32
no all the time and I still struggle with that.
4:36
But I realized for me self-care can look like putting away my
4:40
phone for a little bit or putting it on do not disturb and
4:43
just playing my game. Simple things when I'm feeling
4:46
over stimulated. You know, I, you know, mentioned
4:50
that some when I am a single mom and my kids are 10 years apart.
4:54
So they have very different needs, very different times.
4:57
I have one talking in each ear all the time.
5:01
And it's a lot, right? Sometimes you're just like
5:05
enough between that and work. And you have to be able to, to
5:11
read your own energy and say, I can't right now.
5:16
I need to relax, I need to put myself first.
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I need to take care of this. Also, which I find really good,
5:25
is a community, right? Sometimes a community of women.
5:31
It could be friends, family, people that understand you,
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people that know you, friends that might be able to listen to
5:36
you. Therapy.
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For me, therapy has been a huge one.
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You know, that's somebody who's not biased, someone who doesn't
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know me and won't really interject their personal
5:48
opinion, right? We talk about how self-care is
5:54
deeply personal, so it's never going to be 1 size fits all.
5:58
For some it's rest, that's it. For some it's just rest, you
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know? I know for me, I would love to
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get more rest if I could. For others, it's sweat, it's
6:11
journaling, it's dancing around the kitchen.
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I always say with a glass of Prosecco or or coffee or tea.
6:18
I think the big thing, the key, is to ask what does nurturing me
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look like today? I love that.
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I love that, yeah. That giving yourself that room
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to meet yourself where you are and listen to your body it and
6:36
and look at your schedule and see, OK, what feels feeling to
6:40
me today, what feels like it's going to serve me the best
6:44
today. And having that menu to kind of
6:47
pick from it being flexible with that.
6:50
Yes, because every day is different.
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Every day you may not be in the mood.
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Like I don't exercise every day probably.
6:55
I know I should, but my brain sometime is like, no, my body,
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my brain, my mind, I'm tired. I'm like I'm not getting on the
7:02
bike for an hour. Other days I'm like, I have so
7:04
much pent up energy. I got to get it out somehow.
7:07
And that might be right then and there, the day that I need that,
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you know, other days, it could be lighting a candle and saying
7:13
my prayer or reading my book. So there's always ways.
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And you really do, I think not just females, of course, males
7:20
as well, any of us. Just you need to listen to your
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body, listen to your energy and your spirit.
7:25
If your energy is drained, find ways to restore that in the
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quick. I say the quickest way possible
7:31
because it's not always easy to find ways to do it.
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Sometimes you need to do it quickly because we don't always
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have hours at a time to do things right.
7:39
Yeah. Sure.
7:41
Yeah, I love that. Think of that thing you can do
7:43
for 5 minutes. You know, it might be a walk
7:45
outside, take a breath, listen to your favorite music, do a
7:48
little quick dance party or just take 5 picture the timer on 5
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minutes. I'm just going to sit here
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outside, listen to the birds. 5 minutes.
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You know, it it it does little things add up.
8:00
Thank you. Yeah, I thank you for that.
8:01
I think sometimes we over complicate it.
8:05
Oh yes, because they do. They make it feel like you have
8:08
to. You have to do crazy things to
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feel better. It doesn't necessarily have to
8:12
be that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
8:18
OK. Talk to me how confidently
8:21
setting boundaries fits into this for you.
8:23
I'm sure this has been a journey too.
8:26
You have been in a relationship in the past that has not been
8:31
healthy. And I'll let you and so, so many
8:34
times when we're in those relationships, you don't even
8:37
know what boundaries are. And I don't want to, you know,
8:40
so I want you to tell your story.
8:41
But I know that can come up a lot.
8:43
But also when it gets to the point where you know, you need
8:46
to care for yourself. And that can require setting
8:49
some healthy boundaries to carve out the time for that, and to
8:52
also carve out who gets access to you or not.
8:57
Yes. For me, I've learned sometimes
9:01
the hard way is that setting boundaries, it's not about
9:04
pushing people away. We have this sense that sitting
9:08
boundaries now, setting boundaries will push people
9:11
away. I've learned this the hard way.
9:15
People that are most advantageous of you not having
9:19
boundaries will be the ones that end up getting pushed away
9:23
because they don't want to respect those boundaries.
9:25
And a lot of times it's the people that are closest to you.
9:29
And for me, it's about keeping myself safe and sane.
9:35
I grew up in an old school household.
9:37
There was no such thing as boundaries.
9:39
So I was raised without boundaries.
9:42
And then I end up in relationships where I don't even
9:44
know what a boundary is. And as I've come through these
9:49
past couple years out of that narcissistic relationship, I've
9:52
started to see that there are things that I can do and and
9:57
ways and boundaries I can allow and that I can press that are
10:01
more for myself. Respect as well.
10:03
They're for me. So it might sound like I'm not
10:06
available for this conversation right now or I need you to speak
10:10
with me with respect or I'm stepping away.
10:12
I'm not doing this right. On my podcast, we've talked
10:16
about how confidence with boundaries grows as you practice
10:21
that, you know, they get easier. There's like muscle memory for
10:24
yourself worth. That's something that I, I'd
10:26
love to say because you start to realize that just like anything
10:30
else, the way you practice it, the more you feel better about
10:33
it. And it goes that way with
10:35
anything in life, People that you know and people that you're
10:38
just starting to know. I do that in dating as well.
10:41
You learn what you have to learn, what your boundaries are
10:45
because they're going to be different for every relationship
10:47
you have. But as long as you're respecting
10:49
yourself, that to me is the most important.
10:52
Your, yourself, you're sane, you're safe.
10:55
You're saying your sanity and your safety.
11:00
Yeah, I love that. I love that you're respecting
11:03
yourself and your safety and your sanity.
11:05
Those are such. Those are.
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Yeah, the three s s. Those are such.
11:09
Those are very, very important. Thank you so much for that.
11:12
The three s s, I like that. Didn't you put that together?
11:14
But that's. Great.
11:16
I know, I know, I think you can, you can bottle that.
11:19
OK, This goes nicely into you mentioned, you know,
11:23
narcissistic relationships can really do a number on our
11:27
mental, emotional, physical health because narcissists are
11:31
very crafty at kind of sweeping you in and then playing on the
11:39
vulnerabilities where I hear, I hear these, these comments all
11:44
the time from women that I've talked to about you start
11:48
feeling like you're losing your mind and, and, and you start
11:52
feeling like, did I you start getting questioning yourself,
11:59
everything you're thinking, everything you're doing.
12:01
Sometimes if they're really crafty, they will work on your
12:04
family and friends to kind of try to get them to come along
12:08
their side to try to create this image of you that's actually not
12:13
accurate. So there's all kinds of ways
12:16
that this can happen and it just so much harm.
12:19
Talk to me about your experience with this and how this has
12:22
impacted your mental, emotional, physical health.
12:25
And you're also a mom. Absolutely.
12:28
Absolutely. So for me, this one hits home
12:32
because realistically I did not recognize myself if if and not
12:41
if and when. I apologize.
12:42
When I looked at myself back in 2023 when I had to literally
12:48
extricate my ex from the house after a year and a half of
12:52
finding out and the discovery and trying to put him through
12:56
rehab and the support and doing all the things that Good Wife
12:58
does. When the wife is broken down to
13:01
nothing and still not being and completely losing myself.
13:07
And I had realized looking at myself in the mirror, not only
13:10
did I recognize, not recognize who I was, I realized I hadn't
13:13
recognized who I was in a very long time because I had given
13:17
everything to this person, everything.
13:20
And I lost myself in this person and for what happened in that
13:24
respect. Then when I found out everything
13:27
I had given and given up, it was just somebody was taking
13:31
everything from me, including my physical health.
13:34
My labs were all over the place. I had gained 30 lbs from not
13:38
taking care of myself. I was a shell of a human.
13:42
I was a shell of myself. I literally was down to the
13:44
possible bare bones you could be because I had somebody who took
13:48
me to nothing, took everything away from me, and then on top of
13:54
that, trying to show up for my kids.
13:56
Who knew what was going on in the house?
14:00
As much as you can shield, There's only so much you can
14:02
shield in a 2 bedroom apartment. You know, when their father is
14:07
on a Bender forever and their mother has lost her mind because
14:11
she's not only trying to keep everything together, she's
14:13
trying to keep their life together, keep their father
14:16
together, keep their marriage together, their family together.
14:19
And yet she's a shell of a person herself.
14:22
So for me, what I've learned, and again, this is realistically
14:29
since that time in the past 2 1/2 years, is giving myself
14:33
permission to feel. Now at the time, yeah, at the
14:38
time I was feeling everything a million ways over, right?
14:41
And I mean, not and just the screaming and the crying and and
14:45
and the right whatever helps me. But it wasn't feeling and
14:48
processing. It was reacting.
14:51
Yeah. It was reacting, yeah.
14:54
And that's something people don't teach us, the the
14:57
processing of it. So I right now I'll, and I
15:01
started back then again. I used to do this when I was
15:03
younger. It's so funny how things
15:04
sometimes go full circle. I write things out.
15:07
I write a lot of poetry. There are days that I can't
15:10
write a journal entry because there's too much going on.
15:12
I'll just write whatever comes to my head.
15:14
And a lot of times it comes out in poetry form and I'll just do
15:17
it that way. And I'll read back and I'm like,
15:18
wow, that's pretty decent because it's just whatever way I
15:22
can get it out on paper. I use voice notes on my phone,
15:25
which I think are a wonderful thing for people who don't
15:28
write. Yeah.
15:30
You know, talk to your friends. I mentioned before, talk to your
15:32
therapist. I've tried breath work, which is
15:35
great. I've also tried sitting in my
15:37
car blasting music and forcing myself to cry.
15:40
Sometimes we don't realize. Sometimes you maybe say I don't
15:45
have a reason to cry. We all have to get that release.
15:49
Those are toxins we are getting rid of when we cry.
15:55
And depending upon the mood I'm in, that was depending upon the
15:57
music I play, I know what's going to do it and I just let it
16:01
go. You know, I also, I didn't
16:04
realize this is a thing, but I using my own, my own sources, I
16:09
created for myself a response toolkit and I have it with me
16:15
all the time. And I think it's a wonderful
16:18
tool for anybody who just isn't sure how to handle certain
16:21
situations. Because since I still have to,
16:25
I'll use handle for lack of a better term, or deal with my
16:29
ex-husband, obviously, because we have children together and he
16:32
lives not even 10 minutes away. I have there are times that
16:35
things still get heated. They're going to get heated.
16:38
There's a personality disorder there.
16:41
So I had to learn again, my reaction is protecting me.
16:46
I'm protecting my kids. I can't allow this person
16:49
anymore to affect my health. I'm still struggling, you know,
16:52
trying to lose the weight and stuff like that.
16:54
I can't affect it allow anymore to affect my health, my sanity,
16:57
my sleep. So I use my tool kit and I look
17:01
at it all the time to the point that now that if I'm using it
17:04
again, it's not muscle memory, it's saying if you're going to
17:07
disrespect me, OK, redirect, redirect your energy.
17:13
I'm worthy of respect. I'm done with this for now.
17:16
You are not allowed to talk to me this way.
17:18
All the things that I wouldn't have said before because I must
17:21
be speaking to anger. And I use affirmations, which I
17:26
believe are so important even when you're at your lowest and
17:29
it's the hardest. The thing I'd love to say is
17:32
emotional health is about letting that storm pass instead
17:36
of pretending it's sunny all the time when it's not.
17:41
The goal is to move. Move that energy.
17:44
Don't bottle it up, work out, do something that makes everything
17:48
lighter, gets rid of the noise. It's easy to drift into people
17:52
pleasing or over committing right when you forget why you
17:57
started doing things. So my values are self respect,
18:01
growth, honesty and freedom. So when something feels off, I
18:07
asked myself to fill lines with me.
18:09
That's it. So good, so good.
18:13
I love that tool kit. That is such a great thing to
18:16
have with you because we lose when we get into an emotional
18:21
state. We are we can't get to our
18:23
rational self, but we we know we taught that right there to grab
18:28
put it in your phone, take a picture of it, put it in your
18:31
purse, you know, whatever it is where you know you can get to it
18:35
quickly to help you reset in that moment.
18:38
That is brilliant. I love that so much.
18:40
Oh my gosh, thank you all of that and I love that you
18:44
addressed that quick. You don't have to pretend it's
18:48
sunny all the time. That is not life.
18:51
That is not reality, and you're not only hurting yourself by not
18:55
allowing yourself the space. If you feel like crying, cry.
18:59
Sometimes we don't even know why.
19:01
Sometimes it's things that our bodies and our nervous system
19:05
finally feel safe. It's finally quiet enough.
19:09
We're in a safe space and it's time for that thing to be
19:12
released. And that's a good thing.
19:15
Agreed. Agreed.
19:16
It's just, again, feeling what comes through with that moment.
19:21
Once you process something, you sit back and you realize that
19:24
you really needed it, whatever it was, you really needed that.
19:28
And one last thing that I've noticed.
19:31
And people think that's so crazy, but for me, I've had time
19:36
where I am so heated, so hot, so ready to blow or explode that
19:40
I'm like, I, I've actually walked out my house, put my
19:43
headphones on, put my glasses on, my sunglasses and I took a,
19:47
a cry walk. I would say like a long cry walk
19:51
just to get literally get it out and just let it go.
19:53
You know, I'm like, I got my sunglasses on people.
19:55
There's not enough people around to know what's going on, you
19:57
know, but just enough that I can say when I get back.
20:01
OK, All right. Now I can look at things a
20:04
little clearer and get that excess energy And.
20:07
And you don't get that excess energy away from me.
20:09
Yeah. Yeah, and get that time, that
20:12
just being that gentleness with yourself, applying that
20:15
gentleness to yourself. Yeah, so good.
20:18
Oh, I love that so much. All right, how we can support
20:23
ourselves and other women in living unapologetically.
20:26
You are doing this. What you're doing now, that tool
20:30
kit you just shared super psycho Queens podcast.
20:34
This is all exhibit A of how you're not only showing up about
20:38
unapologetically for yourself, but you're also giving space for
20:42
other women to be seen, known and heard in these spaces and
20:46
and and sharing your story and offering your resources It,
20:50
which is I, I love women so much because that's what we do.
20:54
We and this is and this is just another example of that.
20:57
Talk to me about when you knew that it was time for you to move
21:04
into that step you like. You've learned how what you need
21:07
and your value and what you will and won't tolerate.
21:11
You've established those non negotiables for yourself.
21:14
You've you know and and quit feeling responsible for all
21:18
these other things around you that aren't your responsibility.
21:21
When she decides like wait a minute, there's conversations to
21:24
be had here and there are resources I have to offer.
21:27
I can help others. With this too for me is I I've
21:33
learned that we have to show up for each other with less
21:36
judgement and more grace. Yeah.
21:40
You know people do not realize that I'm going to say people in
21:43
a hole you know unless you're in it.
21:46
You do not realize the way life is going to life and especially
21:52
for women, impact of the daily that we struggle with.
21:58
And I don't necessarily just mean single mothers, I mean
22:02
women in general of all ages, starting from young girls.
22:06
You know, we have to celebrate each other's wins.
22:10
We have to not secretly be measuring our worth against
22:13
somebody else. I am sometimes one of the worst
22:16
culprits of that. Not judging others, but
22:18
wondering, well, how did they get that?
22:20
Maybe I just didn't hit the genetic lottery.
22:23
Or maybe I, you know, how did you know people?
22:26
You look at somebody who looks like a supermodel and you're
22:27
like, well, how, how come they don't, you know, they, they
22:30
look, they're gorgeous And how come, you know, my genetics
22:32
didn't work that way? Or you look at somebody who
22:35
people may not think is as gorgeous.
22:37
Oh my goodness, they got a beautiful husband and family
22:39
and, and you know, you got this model there who's by herself.
22:42
You know, there's so many things and so many ways we judge each
22:45
other and it's unnecessary. We need to reminds our friends
22:50
who they are when they forget and vice versa.
22:54
You know, a lot of times I'm very self deprecating because
22:57
it's a lot of stuff from that I'm working through with therapy
22:59
myself. You know, I'll say it a million
23:01
times advocating for it because sometimes in my head I'm like,
23:04
you know what? I'm I'm saying what others are
23:06
thinking. And that was just because of the
23:07
way I was raised, right? I was raised very there were
23:10
people just again, no boundaries.
23:11
People just said whatever. And it gets in your psyche and
23:13
you don't realize. And then when you have the trail
23:17
by some of the people that are closest to you, it makes you
23:21
question yourself. So a lot of times we don't see
23:23
what other people see. Yeah.
23:26
And people can tell you that. And it's still kind of hard to
23:28
believe. When someone tells you that, you
23:29
kind of feel like they're just trying to get you to stop,
23:32
right? But the reality is they're just
23:34
trying to remind you of who you are and that you shouldn't
23:37
forget that. Share your own truth, flaws,
23:40
fears, triumphs so someone else always feels that they're brave
23:46
enough to share theirs. I love sharing.
23:48
I put my story out there because I know for a fact there's other
23:53
women who have not only had it worse in a lot of ways, but
23:58
understand the pain, the heartbreak, and the struggle of
24:03
the process, you know? And never shame a woman for
24:06
changing her mind or her life. This one is so big for me.
24:11
Yeah. I am so tired of the narrative.
24:14
And women do this to each other as well.
24:16
Well, she's got how many marriages?
24:18
She's got how many baby daddies and all this crazy stuff you
24:21
hear? I have two fathers with two
24:24
children. I was married twice.
24:27
You cannot control someone else's behaviors.
24:30
Yeah. You cannot shame a woman for
24:34
starting over. There is no shame and taking
24:38
control of your life and saying, I'm not going to deal with this
24:41
anymore just because we have a kid together.
24:43
That, you know, that's old school thinking that you have to
24:46
suffer for so many reasons. But what example is that showing
24:53
that you have to give up your life and suffer in order to give
24:58
somebody else life? And that's not the case.
25:00
Like we all have one life to live.
25:02
Learn that women, just as much as men, have every right to
25:06
protect themselves. Start over.
25:10
I had to start over realistically 3 times before I
25:14
was 40, and that was something I foresaw.
25:17
But I can't control me. I can't control something else.
25:21
Just my reaction. And yeah, and that's what we
25:24
have to do. We have to give women more of
25:27
the grace that we expect someone to give us.
25:31
Yeah, thank you so much for that.
25:34
That was so important. Women listeners, I want you to
25:37
sit with that for a minute because we don't change
25:41
narratives for women if we continue to see each other as
25:47
something we compare against as the competition, as you know.
25:52
And so I always talk, you know, when I'm working one-on-one with
25:55
women, we start with the layers piece because it's like, let's
25:59
get to a real loving, empathetic, comfortable,
26:05
acknowledging place with all of your layers.
26:07
Because by doing that, you'll then know your value.
26:11
When you know your value, your you'll prioritize yourself.
26:15
You'll also start seeing other women through a different light
26:20
because you're no longer operating from a place of
26:23
scarcity or insecurity. You'll be able to see their
26:28
value. You'll want to share with them
26:30
what you've learned. It changes everything because we
26:33
will not change narratives for women in this world and make it
26:38
a safer place with the same opportunities if we don't do it
26:45
together. And the societal norms want to
26:49
keep us at each other because that keeps us from coming
26:53
together and really changing things in it to make it safer
26:59
and and more equitable. And because when we do show up
27:03
in those ways, in just the snippets that you get to see
27:06
whenever you see a situation where women come together and
27:09
show up, man, we move the earth. I mean, we really, really do
27:14
things. If we could do that on a global,
27:16
yes, broader level, boy, what shoots we can make, but we're
27:20
going to continue to hear systems that are in place don't
27:24
want us to do do that. So they're going to they want us
27:27
to second guess and compare. So thank you so much for that.
27:30
That is such an important piece of this of this part of this
27:34
process. Find ways that you can support
27:37
each other. Every person has a story and you
27:41
in that story you can get. So when you feel yourself
27:45
getting judgmental about someone's story, get curious
27:48
instead. And that's, and that starts with
27:52
you. You got to do, I really believe
27:54
you got to start that with you first.
27:56
And then when you're able to do that with yourself, it really
27:59
opens the door for you to be able to do with the others.
28:02
And that is how we show up for each other, unapologetically.
28:06
Right. I agree.
28:07
And I also think one more caveat to that is we have to learn.
28:10
And I say we as a collective, because I'm one of the big
28:14
culprit this we have to learn about how to take, accept and
28:18
learn from constructive criticism.
28:21
Yeah, because I think a huge part is that we get defensive so
28:24
fast. Yes.
28:26
We give completely unsolicited advice to everybody.
28:30
You never know who's right, who's wrong, who to listen to.
28:33
And my my thought process is like, you don't have to listen
28:36
to anybody but yourself. However, take from people's
28:41
experiences. You're going to create your own
28:45
experience regardless, but take from people's experiences and
28:49
say to yourself, OK, I see that they kind of went through this.
28:52
What can I learn from this? What can I do different?
28:55
What pieces can I use that can help me level up my life?
28:58
And I think that's something that is because we're always
29:01
pitted against each other. We want to keep each other down
29:05
instead of trying to level up. And I think that's a huge thing
29:09
that we need to, as a collective, learn as well.
29:12
Yeah, so good. Yeah.
29:14
And that unlearning piece too. As you're learning, unlearn the
29:18
stuff that's not serving you. This actually old tired
29:22
narratives and stigmas that really aren't for the for your
29:26
well-being or anybody else's, you know, any other woman's
29:29
well-being either. So, yeah, so good.
29:31
Thank you so much for all of that.
29:33
Such important, such important things.
29:35
And it's us having these conversations and highlighting
29:38
these things where one step at a time, one woman at a time, we
29:42
can move the needle on this. Yeah, it's unfortunate that one
29:46
woman has to suffer to teach 15 others how not to suffer, Right.
29:50
But in but in the sense is there's everybody has a little
29:56
bit of their own wisdom. Regardless, it does not mean
30:01
that you're you know, people say, well, your problem wasn't
30:04
as big as mine. Absolutely not.
30:06
It's all relative. It is our relative to your
30:09
experience. You can learn and you can teach
30:13
regardless. And to be a support for somebody
30:15
else regardless. It's all collective wisdom and
30:19
that's how we're able to hopefully continue to raise
30:21
generations of more women who are empowered by the struggles
30:26
of the women before. Yeah, absolutely.
30:28
So good. All right.
30:30
And this goes nicely into and you talked about your values
30:33
earlier. We're going to go back to that.
30:35
You're coming back to your why and your values and everything
30:38
you do, you identify your values specifically and how they inform
30:43
how you show up in the world today.
30:45
Can you name those again and then talk about how you were
30:48
able to arrive at those? My values, self respect,
30:56
integrity, independence. I guess I would say that's a
31:03
value or a characteristic. Yeah, yeah, I think that.
31:12
I think in a way that there's a few of them.
31:14
I'm hopeful. And I did say a forever dreamer,
31:18
and that's not really a value, but in a way it's a value to me
31:22
because for me, that helps me with my wife, that helps me stay
31:28
anchored, that hopefulness, that forever dream.
31:30
Because I have learned after everything that I've experienced
31:35
where I thought there were moments I get a little dark for
31:38
a second. There are moments I thought I
31:40
was going to die from the pain. I've spoken on it before.
31:45
I've said in my podcast, I'm open about it because you don't
31:51
understand that you not you personally.
31:55
You as a person. Yourself as a collective, right,
31:58
You as a person don't understand grief and the grief of the
32:02
living until you go through it. And grieving the living is
32:10
probably one of the hardest things we have to do with the
32:14
people. And for me, having that anchor
32:18
that I have now of saying to myself, you know who you are,
32:24
you didn't think that you can do it and you're doing it.
32:28
You are independent. You know that.
32:30
As hard as it can be at times, I am always hopeful.
32:34
I'm always forever dreaming it's going to be OK.
32:38
And it's going to be OK for me and my kids and me and my
32:41
family. And that's my anchor.
32:43
That's my why. For me, it's whenever it gets
32:48
noisy, I used those values for me as as the anchor that that
32:55
keeps me going. I just have to sit back and say,
32:58
all right, you're a God fearing woman, you're a good person.
33:03
You treat others, huge value happens.
33:05
You treat others the way you want to be treated.
33:10
And for me, it's just keeping that self respect and that
33:15
honesty when I need it. And that aligns with my wife.
33:19
Yeah. I love that.
33:22
So good. Thank you so much for sharing
33:23
that. Talk to me about living out of
33:26
your own expectations versus others.
33:28
You have shifted into that. You have moved into that with
33:31
these very intentional choices you have made for yourself.
33:35
You know, we we grew up with and talked about it before in
33:39
generations where things were kind of laid out for you and
33:42
there wasn't no one asked you what it was you wanted to do.
33:46
It was just kind of set out for you.
33:48
This, this is what you should do in the, you saw the examples
33:51
around you and you followed that.
33:52
At some point, I think we're starting to see more of a shift
33:56
for us where we're saying, that's not serving me, that's
34:00
not working. I, I can no longer live in this
34:04
way, abandoning myself within this.
34:07
You came to that point. You came to that point where you
34:09
understood it's time for me to start living my life in a way
34:13
where I'm respecting myself and honoring myself.
34:16
And I'm asking that of those in my life as well.
34:19
Talk to me about that shift of moving into.
34:22
This place of living out of your own expectations, this one's
34:26
huge for me because I have lived the consequences of trying to be
34:31
who other people needed me to be.
34:33
It's exhausting and it's unsustainable because it drains
34:39
you. It drains the life, your soul
34:41
out, your life, my life. Our lives are too precious to be
34:46
a performance all the time. So the moment I started asking
34:50
what do I want, what does fulfilment look like for me,
34:56
everything shifted. You know you, you get to define
35:00
the success, the beauty, the love, the joy for yourself.
35:04
Is it always perfect? Absolutely not.
35:06
I was raised that, you know, you're going to go to college
35:10
and you're going to have a career and you stay with a job
35:13
for 40 years and then whatever, you get your pension and all
35:16
that. Old school thinking all the
35:17
time. And the one thing I did not ever
35:22
see for myself or didn't realize was I didn't think about having
35:25
kids. I don't think about getting
35:26
married. I don't think about any of that
35:27
stuff. And I look back now and I go,
35:28
was that weird? I don't know.
35:30
I don't know. Didn't mean I didn't want it.
35:32
I just don't know that I ever really thought about it so much.
35:35
And if I had thought about it, to be honest, I don't think I
35:37
would have thought that I'd be 42 single again as a single mom,
35:43
right? I don't think that that would
35:44
have been the trajectory I would have put myself on.
35:47
But I know that was what was faded for me.
35:50
And what even when days aren't hard and there are days that I
35:54
still feel some self pity and I'm struggling and I'm tired and
36:00
I'm at work constantly having to say yes to everything at work,
36:03
right? I think part of what I have been
36:08
learning is that once you shift that mindset, once you honor
36:13
yourself, then you're able to see things more clearly, right?
36:20
And you can be more you can be more you.
36:24
You can also find out who you is.
36:26
Most of us, we don't know, right?
36:29
We don't know. It takes a lot of self-awareness
36:33
to learn who you are and what and what you'll accept.
36:36
So we just on autopilot half the time walking around like crazy
36:39
people in the world and we don't even understand who we are as we
36:44
show up. And I got tired of that.
36:46
I got tired of just being something different to everybody
36:49
else. And I'm like, if you can't
36:52
accept me of who I am, I'm never a fake person to anybody.
36:57
I'm exactly the same to the people that like and the people
36:59
that don't like. I'm exactly the same person.
37:02
I have the same, you know, I always say the way the way you
37:05
treat me as how I'm going to treat you and vice versa.
37:09
That's it. You know what I'm saying?
37:10
There's going to be no, I'm not even going to have this time.
37:12
I'm not even going to acknowledge anymore.
37:13
I'm going to say you have your own personal journey.
37:15
So I see why you, we have this interaction.
37:18
I'm good, you know, so it's really about what suits you and
37:23
what helps heal your soul. That's that's how I'm starting.
37:26
That's how I'm starting to look at it.
37:27
It's taken me some time. Sure.
37:30
Well, and it's a journey and, and, and, and this goes nicely
37:33
into accepting the layered aspects of yourself.
37:36
You're doing that layers work. That is what has allowed you to
37:40
get here. Talk to me about, you know, what
37:42
it's been like to really be able to embrace and acknowledge all
37:46
those different layers and pieces.
37:48
And parts of yourself, I always look back.
37:51
This is so funny. And, and you may or may not know
37:54
what I'm talking about, but some of them, I'm sure the awesome
37:56
audience will. The movie Shrek, the original
37:58
movie Shrek that came out like 2001 or something.
38:02
Yep. Donkey says to him, He says, oh,
38:05
he says, what is He says ogres are like onions, right?
38:08
He says, what do you mean they're smelly?
38:09
And he says he says, no, they have layers.
38:13
It says every. And I and I always, always as a
38:16
grown adult who went to go see it as a grown adult in the
38:20
movies, by the way. But he's a grown adult.
38:22
Yeah, it's great. I think about that a lot as such
38:26
a funny way to to see that we are not just one thing, we're
38:32
contradictions, Strong and soft, confident and insecure.
38:39
That's a huge one for me. I've been called out about that.
38:43
I'm very self confident, but like I've said, I'm self
38:45
deprecated because there's things about me that I'm still
38:47
not secure about, right? Even as a grown woman, fierce
38:51
and gentle, right? That's not hypocrisy, it's
38:55
humanity. This is who we are.
38:58
We are layered. So I remind myself often I can
39:02
be a work of progress and still worthy of love and good things
39:07
like everybody is. You know, those layers make you
39:10
interesting. They make you who you are.
39:13
You should be aware of your different layers.
39:15
Accept them if there's some that you're not a fan of, like me
39:18
with my, you know, self deprecating self or my
39:22
insecurities that I have. I, I believe that you should
39:25
work on your insecurities, of course.
39:26
And if there's something you don't have to like everything
39:28
about yourself, but then work on it, right?
39:30
So, so you're comfortable with it.
39:32
But they make you who you are. So accept them, learn from them,
39:36
change them if need be, and keep going.
39:39
We're all a work in progress. Yeah, Yeah.
39:42
Oh, that's so good. Thank you so much for that.
39:44
That was such a great description of that.
39:46
I really appreciate that. All right.
39:48
And this, you bet, You bet. I, you know, I think it's just
39:52
that the nuance of it, you said it so well, you know, we, it's
39:57
the nuance of it. We're so there's, you know, so
40:00
many times we limit ourselves to living out of just certain
40:03
spaces and let it, instead of just allowing the nuance and
40:07
complexity and the acceptance that in different scenarios,
40:10
different parts of us are going to show up.
40:13
Yes, exactly. And who you're around depends on
40:16
what shows up, who you feel safe around.
40:20
It's going to depend how you show up in the world.
40:23
If you have to be defensive, sometimes we have to be
40:26
defensive. If you're able to be vulnerable,
40:28
be vulnerable. It depends who, what, where,
40:31
when and how. Literally, yeah.
40:34
Literally, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
40:36
And how safe you feel impacts all of that too.
40:39
Exactly, exactly. Thank you so much.
40:42
All right, talk to me in living out feel, which is what I call
40:46
this, that the finding empowerment, embracing layers
40:48
journey that you've so clearly, you know, articulated and shared
40:53
with us so vulnerably today. Talk to me about how doing this
40:57
has impacted your relationship with yourself as well as your
41:01
relationship with other people. It raises the bar, right?
41:06
When when you live this way, you attract connections that feels
41:10
safe and expansive, right? That's a huge part of it.
41:13
You, you're able to expand your horizons, expand your groups,
41:18
expand your soul, your energy, and instead of sucking it out of
41:22
other people, you get to literally expand your energy
41:26
out. You stop settling for people who
41:29
want you to shrink right around them.
41:34
It's still something I work on all the time because sometimes
41:38
us who are too independent or two on our masculine side as
41:42
opposed to more of our feminine side, which we've had to be,
41:45
sometimes we feel we have to shrink ourselves in order to
41:48
make other people feel less. We have to make ourselves feel
41:53
less as we can make other people not feel less than right.
41:56
And that that I don't, I believe that that's something that we
41:59
have to work on. You become better at
42:01
communicating with with what you need and you're able to show up
42:05
more for the people who matter. So it weeds out the people and
42:09
the conditional relationships, those transactional
42:12
relationships, right? You know, you're able to say
42:16
what you're able to be more in tune with yourself and say what
42:18
you want. If you want a transactional
42:20
relationship, great. I'm not against them to be
42:23
honest with you, if that's what you want.
42:25
And that's why you have an agreement with someone else.
42:27
As long as you have an agreement with somebody else and they're
42:30
aware of it. Right, right, right.
42:32
Like don't keep anybody in the dark about it.
42:34
Don't use a person. If that's what that's exactly
42:37
what it's about, then that's fine as well.
42:39
But it's able to speak that I think feel you know, you're F EE
42:44
L isn't just a personal practice, right?
42:48
It's it's a gift that you get to give to everybody that you touch
42:52
and every relationship that you get to touch.
42:55
Yes, yes, and that you just do. You just described it perfectly
43:00
without me even asking you to that that really is what it is
43:04
all about. You nailed it.
43:05
That we might have to like, you know, copyright that and say
43:09
thanks to Teresa. We have our I'll take it off the
43:13
script as yours. You got it.
43:15
Oh, thank you so much. That was so good.
43:17
Thank you for sharing that. All right, talk to me as we wind
43:20
down here about 5 activities that nourish you.
43:28
Long talks with friends, My sister, my my prima, so my prima
43:35
manas, we call them my sister, my sister, cousins that are
43:37
raised like my sisters, my closest friends, Moving my body,
43:43
dancing, exercising, walking, stretching, whatever it is in
43:47
that moment. Sometimes eating, I'm not going
43:51
to lie, it can be a comfort. It also can be the the guilt
43:53
that you know that that kind of slips in there.
43:55
But sometimes you want just sometimes I just want the
43:57
frosting. I'm not going to lie, me too.
43:59
Me too. There's a time and more place.
44:03
Yeah, there's always a time to place.
44:04
You gotta, you know, just as long as I feel guilty
44:06
afterwards, there's the, there's the kick.
44:08
I don't feel guilty afterwards. It's it's self-care, self love.
44:12
I love to journal with either music on at the background or
44:15
just lay and listen to music. And also just sitting, could be
44:21
outside, could be inside, listen to the birds, listen to even if
44:26
it's the highway next door. But just sitting with my coffee,
44:30
sitting with my tea with no agenda, just letting my mind be,
44:36
whether it's saying a prayer, looking at the stars, just
44:41
existing in that moment. Yeah.
44:46
And that's really one of my favorite ones, being present.
44:49
Yeah, so good. All right.
44:51
And five words on how you want to feel the next six months.
44:56
OK, rooted. Little more Rooted, free, open,
45:06
magnetic and unapologetic. Oh, so good.
45:11
I love that. All right, Teresa, share with
45:14
people where they can find you, follow you, listen to you.
45:18
This will all be on our resources page at
45:20
embracinglayers.com. Listeners, don't you worry,
45:23
you'll be able to find it there. But share right now, real quick,
45:26
while our people are listening, where they can find you.
45:30
Sure. Actually, I have actually been
45:33
on a little bit of a hiatus for about two months now, you know,
45:35
personal stuff, taking a break, you know, focusing on my kids.
45:39
But I do have some ideas. So, you know, in some time
45:42
there'll be some more episodes. But everybody can go and catch
45:44
up on three years worth of episodes I have at Prosecco
45:48
Queens podcast that's on IG, Instagram.
45:52
I'm also on Tic Tac. Tic Tac Wow, I'm old.
45:57
Tick tock. Wow, I know my daughter.
46:05
Will be like, really Mom? Really.
46:08
She's the one that put me on TikTok.
46:11
Oh man. Well I'm on TikTok at Prosecco
46:14
Queens podcast Wow and on IG also.
46:17
There is the link to all the places you can find my podcast
46:23
on all of the podcasting sites as well.
46:25
I can be reached at proseccoqueenspodcast@gmail.com.
46:29
I'm always open to conversations, show ideas, guest
46:33
spots, anybody that wants to be on it as well.
46:35
Give me great ideas for shows and I'd love to hear stories
46:38
also. And my website is a work in
46:40
progress finally, so I'll be having some blogs on there also
46:45
to starting to the next couple months.
46:47
It's like a lot of stuff coming in.
46:48
I'm excited about it. So it's a lot of work when you
46:51
do it, especially when you do it by yourself.
46:53
But it's a work in progress. But yeah, I invite anybody to
46:58
come listen. I love it and I appreciate.
47:01
All right, well, yes, yeah, go check that out and everything
47:05
that you have and continue to have.
47:06
Thank you for being with me today.
47:09
I appreciate your honesty and just your willingness to have
47:12
these conversations. You've got so much wisdom to
47:14
share. Any last thoughts you'd like to
47:17
leave with our listeners today? Well, first, I want to thank
47:20
you, Melissa, for having me on here.
47:22
I think what you're doing is wonderful.
47:24
I love, you know, your panels, your shows.
47:26
It's wonderful for the listeners.
47:30
I think one of the best things that I can say from personal
47:33
experience is that healing is a journey.
47:37
It's not a destination. I say it all the time.
47:41
You will spend your life healing because just when you think you
47:44
are past something, you take one step forward and 10 steps back.
47:49
It's the way you react, the way you handle it, the way you rest
47:52
your body and your mind. Our body holds the score, so we
47:57
have to make sure that we are healing those parts of us that
48:02
continue to irk us. And then you're able to move on
48:05
and have healthier relationships and and physicality.
48:08
Physically be healthier as well. My body connection is real.
48:12
Take care of themselves. Take everybody, take care of
48:13
yourself. Thank you so much for that.
48:16
And with that, listeners, we leave you that this week.
48:19
Take that in. Think about that.
48:21
Thank you so much, Teresa, for being with me.
48:23
Thank you so much listeners. You bet.
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Thanks for tuning in here today and we'll see you next time here
48:30
on The Field Podcast. Hello, and thank you so much for
48:34
being with us today on this episode of the Field Podcast.
48:39
If you would like more information on how you can apply
48:43
these talking points that I share with our guests in each
48:47
episode to your own life, really utilize this feel framework, go
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to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form, and let's set
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up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how you can start
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living your most authentic, organic, healthy, feel fueled
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life. Thanks again for being with us
49:10
today. We'll be back to you soon with
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another episode here on the Feel Podcast.