Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Kind Of Women Do Rigid/Difficult Men Get?

Transcript

What Kind Of Women Do Rigid/Difficult Men Get? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show, today we're going to talk about why rigid
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  and difficult men. Only can really get certain
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  women on The Dating market place and or why, you know, when
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  married these men do not usually Inspire the sort of change in
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  their wives that they really want.
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  So we'll get to that. As soon as I tell you to
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  subscribe my Recent subscriber. Episode was why you don't
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  actually have to get you can get into a relationship before you
• 0:42
  deeply. Love yourself because this is
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  too too. High of a bar for many people.
• 0:48
  So actually, that isn't even what it's on.
• 0:51
  That's just a related topic that I talked about that one too.
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  It's on why you don't have to be in a relationship only after
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  you're happy being alone and how that's kind of doesn't make any
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  sense that you would have to be happy alone before you can
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  Relationship, even though everybody and their mother says
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  it, and it's on memes. And everything is just the same
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  as the never go to bed angry meme.
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  It's just wrong. Anyway.
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  So if you subscribe, you get that.
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  And about way over 100, other subscriber episode.
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  So it is well worth the five ninety-nine a month.
• 1:23
  Okay, so let's get back to. What do I mean by rigidity?
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  I've discussed this a lot because it is something that men
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  struggle with of course, women struggle with it too.
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  But when, you know, I About men, I talk about men.
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  When I talk about women, I talk about women.
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  I don't talk about both because nobody's ever really contacted
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  me and been like, you know what I want.
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  I want the most General article possible about how something
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  manifests in, you know, basically like giraffes and
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  wombats and men and women do at every age of every life, stage
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  parents, and non-parents. And that's really gonna, you
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  know, strike my heart at the core and resonate with me know,
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  people like things about their specific situation that speaks
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  to their specific. Situation.
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  This specific situation is a rigid man who is very tied to
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  his routines. He's tied to his way of doing
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  things. He likes his way, he thinks his
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  way is, right? He is difficult to move off of
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  his way, he will not be flexible.
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  If there is a competing alternative and he flexibility
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  has to come from his end. He is rarely spontaneous unless
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  he plans it which isn't spontaneous, really, it's just
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  him planning. Some other thing with the other
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  person doesn't know about About and frequently.
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  He can make a lot of money and be very successful.
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  He usually thinks it's because he's so rigid and difficult but
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  it's usually in spite of that he so rigid and difficult.
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  So it's usually just because he's smart, you know, but
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  because he's smart and he's difficult.
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  He likes to think that it's both like the superstitious pigeon,
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  which I always talk about if a pigeon in a Skinner box.
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  So learn the behavioral Theory here, the pigeon is rewarded
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  with, you know, a pellet for Peck.
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  A leaver but before it pecked the lever turn in a circle it
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  will become superstitious. And every time it will turn in a
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  circle and then Peck the lever and assume that every time, the
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  pellet comes, it is because he did this thing of turning in a
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  circle and then pecking believer.
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  So, that's like people who have a personality trait that's kind
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  of universally disliked, but they're also successful.
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  They start to think that it's because also of this personality
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  trait that people dislike that somehow makes them successful,
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  but it's not. It's just because they are like
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  high energy and smart, you know, like that's pretty much it and
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  then they're also an asshole. So it's like God knows where
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  they could have gotten to if they weren't an asshole.
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  But they think that somehow it's because they are an asshole.
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  So that's like a lot of these guys and frequently in therapy.
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  After they go to therapy and they learn to be more empathic
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  and flexible and open-minded, they get even more successful,
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  you know? So, therefore, you know, it's a
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  single case, design experiment that disproves, you know, that
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  it was all along because they were such Asshole.
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  So anyway what kind of women are going to tolerate these men?
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  Well obviously it's women that are super super, super
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  submissive and easy, easy going. But easygoing in quotes because
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  you don't know if it's a temperament that they're easy
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  going, or if they just don't have self-esteem to assert
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  themselves either way. Can't be an assertive woman
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  because the assertive women will really, you know, they'll,
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  they'll be Both jockeying for the exact same position in the
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  relationship. The decision-maker.
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  So it can't be an assertive woman.
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  It has to be a non assertive woman.
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  Well, you know, there are a lot of non-assertive women who also
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  have low self-esteem and were really raised in an
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  authoritarian household where they just learn to be a good
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  girl. And shut up.
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  And here's what usually happens or happens a lot from what I see
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  is these men, these rigid men meet these women that go along
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  with everything they say. Just happy to be around a smart
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  guy, that's going to tell them what to think because they
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  always want to get married and have children and they're very
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  impressed by him. But then later after they grow
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  some self-esteem and they realized that maybe they want to
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  contribute to their own life and to make choices and decisions.
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  Then there then a lot of conflict happens and frequently
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  you know, they divorce or, you know, they have to go to couples
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  therapy or what have you. The woman is just not
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  Comfortable anymore. Being in this role of the
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  cheerleader, that's always allowing the man to make all the
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  decisions. If you're later in life,
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  sometimes these rigid men, you know, meet women who they're
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  older. So there are personalities more
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  solidified. They're always going to be
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  non-assertive. They're always going to let the
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  guy make all the decisions. And, you know, they'll they'll
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  go along with it. But then, even if it goes well
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  on the woman's and frequently, it's interesting.
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  The An gets bored and frustrated because the woman is not what he
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  thinks of us. Proactive enough or really kind
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  of assertive enough, not that he wants her to be assertive with
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  him, he never does, but he wants her to be assertive like with
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  other people or in her life or in her job or with her kids.
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  That's a big one. So if you're a rigid guy and
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  your wife bends over backwards to make sure that you're happy
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  all the time, guess who else she's going to do?
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  That with the children. So she going to let the children
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  walk all over her to of course you're not thinking you walk all
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  over her but you do probably. And so the children due to, and
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  this becomes extremely frustrating for the guy who's
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  like why are you letting these kids treat you like shit?
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  And whenever I get them in therapy, I'm like well man,
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  because she lets you treat her like shit, right?
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  I mean think about it, you know, she lets you, you know, kind of
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  have an attitude. You need your special time to
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  yourself all the time. Never let her kind of question
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  you Always out think and out. Are you heard every turn?
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  You're mr. Devil's Advocate you can never
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  just be nice. So then why wouldn't the kids be
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  difficult to? You know, like, of course, she's
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  like the same kind of person and if you're a woman listening to
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  this and the kid treats you like shit and the husband treats you
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  like shit. Yeah.
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  I mean, that's what happens and that's why to get into therapy,
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  so that everybody can stop treating you, like shit, you
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  know, but that's an aside we're talking about the, the rigid man
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  and his expectations for a woman free.
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  Currently, what he thinks of. And he puts on a pedestal is
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  this woman who's like, smart and assertive and like him basically
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  how he thinks of himself, but also somehow just like agrees
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  with him. Most of the time, you know, like
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  the fantasy is she agrees with me most of the time.
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  Sometimes one time out of a hundred, she'll have an even
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  better idea than me or, you know, in bed.
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  Like that would be cool. Like, she'll have lots and lots
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  of ideas that I haven't even thought of that would be
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  amazing. But that's like not how it
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  works. The only kind of woman who's
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  going to tolerate being The very difficult man are women with
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  lower self-esteem or here's another kind of bad possibility
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  that I've seen not as often but women who just literally want to
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  get married and that's it, like, they don't like the guy much
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  like these. All right, they don't, they're
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  not deeply in love with him. He does make a good income, he's
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  stable. So if he's difficult big shit,
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  it's not going to be her love story.
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  You know, he's acts like a kid throwing a tantrum.
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  Okay fine, she's been with worse.
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  The ex-husband drank He doesn't drink, you know, so whatever.
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  Fine. Okay.
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  And so she never takes him that seriously because he doesn't
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  realize he's not coming off, very masculine and you know
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  Alpha he's coming off very rigid and difficult now rigidity and I
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  said this before and people thought it was interesting.
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  When I said it about something else rigidity is synonymous with
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  anxiety, you know? So you got to understand that
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  when you when you're thinking about rigidity and Most people
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  it seems do not and I thought that that went has like an
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  obvious synonym, just because I'm in my field.
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  So I have my eyes closed sometimes to what lay people
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  think. Even though I think I do connect
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  to lay people, pretty good on a regular basis, but this one was
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  like a mindfuck for a lot of people.
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  So, I just really want to make sure that everybody understands
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  it rigidity when you can't deviate from routine as always
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  because of anxiety. It's because of anxiety about
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  what the other alternatives are and catastrophizing that they're
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  going to be so much worse. So like I'll be talking to guys,
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  they're so smart right there. Makes so much money at their so
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  prestigious and whatever. And I'll say, well maybe things
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  could be different if you exercise at a different time of
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  day. Oh my God, you would think that
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  I said maybe things would be different if you just, you know,
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  major Center of operations on Mars.
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  You know. Like they're like, Oh no, I got
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  to be out by 5:23 in the morning, to take my run because
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  if I'm not out by 5, Any three? See I've tried it before.
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  I appreciate the suggestion, I've tried it, but if I'm not
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  out by 523, I can't be back by, you know, 628 if I'm not back by
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  628, this is like a smart guy, right?
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  But he doesn't have the he has never gotten out of his own
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  head, enough to see how if you got to be out and like, 5:18 and
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  back by 628 or whatever. The hell I said, there's only so
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  many women in the world are going to put up with a guy that
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  no matter if the kids are sick. No matter if she wants to have
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  sex, no matter if she has a big day coming up and she needs to
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  get out early, you are never going to deviate from that
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  pattern. There's only so many women that
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  are going to put up with that and none of them have very high
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  you know, self-images because none of them are they can't say?
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  Well, that's ridiculous. I'm a person too.
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  You got to be flexible. I got to be flexible.
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  So we both have to be flexible with each other.
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  So the women that aren't going to push that that we both.
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  To be flexible with each other. And instead are going to
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  prioritize them being flexible because of the great man's
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  schedule can never change. That's only so many women.
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  And after a while they stopped thinking of you as the great man
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  and they think of you as the great big baby, and I've seen
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  that happen in real time. The same woman that looks up to
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  the guy. Oh my God, he's really on a good
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  schedule for him and that's so great.
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  I wish that I could do something like that after a couple times
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  where like you won't stay home even though she's, you know,
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  tired because she's been up all night with the baby.
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  Be or, you know, she wanted to go party to her best friend's
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  party, but you can't go because you had this or that or wasn't
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  the right time or she wanted to invest, you know, a little bit
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  of money in something but you said, God forbid because you
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  handle all of the investing with an iron hand.
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  I mean, eventually as the woman becomes, an adult had actual
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  adult because she's more wowed when she's very young but she's
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  going to be like, this isn't a great man.
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  This is a great big baby who will never deviate from his
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  routine and check it out. Children with him.
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  So I see the another one of them is rigid.
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  Look my little boy is rigid, just like his daddy is rigid or
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  they're both rigid together. Only the little boy is a lot
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  cuter. So I'm going to give most of my
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  energy toward loving him making him into more flexible because
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  this difficult great big baby, I really can't deal with
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  emotionally because it's too hard on me.
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  And I've had too many disappointments when I try to
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  get my way on something very little and he never lets me.
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  So that's kind of the worst case scenario the best case scenarios
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  when these men Go to therapy or sometimes, honestly, they go to
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  like a business coach or, you know, they have some sort of
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  transformational book they read or something but either way they
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  get their head out of their ass and they're like, holy shit.
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  I have been extremely rigid and difficult to deal with.
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  And I'm capping my potential rather than an, you know, rather
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  than maxing it out because only only acolytes can can interact
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  with me because I will Brook, no resistance and I won't listen to
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  competing ideas. So it's only people who look up
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  to Me and guess what? The people who look up to me are
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  always below me. So, by necessity, I'm making
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  myself the smartest person in the room or at least, we all
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  have to pretend that I am and that's preventing me from
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  learning and growing in business, but also, in my
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  intimate relationship, because the only position that I'll
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  tolerate is King of the ant hill.
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  So that means that my wife always has to act like an ant
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  and this is not good, you know? Maybe this isn't why she wants
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  to have crazy. Why she doesn't want to have
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  crazy sex with me, you know, because I'm so goddamn difficult
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  in every other way that the only Anyway, she can assert herself
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  as by just kind of Star fishing and not really engaging.
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  And I have a podcast specific to that when your, when your
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  husband is really arrogant or condescending, the only way you
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  can assert yourself passively is to have no attraction to him and
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  just to be in your own head being like basically fuck you
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  you know because it doesn't go well when you assert yourself,
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  you know, out loud. So anyway, hopefully this is a
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  different way to think about it and something interesting for
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  anybody, in a relationship where the man is rigid and if you are
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  Or a rigid man, you're thinking what you should be thinking is
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  how is this limiting me? How does this make me only able
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  to date women? That will deal with some
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  bullshit and maybe the women that will deal with enough
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  bullshit are women that have their own issues that I'm not
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  going to like? And I'm not going to respect
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  over time? All right, well, talk to you all
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  soon, please do subscribe and have a great day everybody.