Latest / Just Listen To Me / When Addiction Enters the Relationship: Trust, Betrayal and Attachment Wounds
Transcript
- Julia Shay: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen to Me. If love feels confusing or painful right now, you're not broken, and neither is your relationship. Let's slow this down together. Before we begin today's conversation, I have a quick announcement I'm really excited to share. The Project Secure Attachment Store is now officially open. This is something I've been quietly working on behind the scenes for some time, I'm genuinely thrilled to finally be able to share it with you. The store includes a growing collection of products inspired by many of the themes we explore here on the podcast. Emotional safety, secure attachment, healing, self reflection, and meaningful connection. There journals, mugs, hoodies, ⁓ and other items designed to bring these ideas into everyday life in simple and meaningful ways. celebrate the launch, I'm offering 15% off store wide for a limited time. You'll the link in the episode description if you'd like to have a look. And before we move on, I just want to say thank you. Some of you have been listening since the very beginning. Some of you share episodes with friends and family And some of you simply keep showing up every week. This podcast, the courses, and now the store have all grown because of your support. And I genuinely appreciate every single one of you. So thank you for being part of this community. And now let's turn our attention to today's conversation. Addiction is one of the most painful challenges a relationship can face. And when people think about addiction, they usually think about the substance itself. The alcohol, the drugs, the gambling, the pornography, the prescription medication, the compulsive behavior that seems impossible to stop. But in relationship counseling, addiction is rarely just about the substance or behavior. Because what partners often experience most intensely is Is not the addiction itself. It's the disconnection. It's the broken trust. It's the secrecy. It's the emotional absence. the feeling that the person they love is somehow both present and unavailable at the same time. And over time, this can create profound ⁓ A loneliness that exists ⁓ when two people are sitting in the same room. Today I want to explore addiction through the lens of attachment, emotional safety, trust, and connection. Not from a place of blame, not from a place of shame, but from a place of understanding. Because understanding often helps us make sense of experiences that otherwise feel confusing and overwhelming. And addiction is one of those experiences. One of the biggest misconceptions about addiction is that people using simply because they enjoy it. And while substances may initially provide pleasure, that explanation ⁓ captures the whole story. Because addiction is often deeply connected to emotional regulation. Many people are not trying to feel good, they are trying to feel less bad. They're trying to escape anxiety, numb grief, quiet shame, reduce loneliness, emotional pain, or manage trauma that has never been fully processed. The becomes a coping strategy, a way of regulating distress, a way of temporarily changing an internal experience that feels overwhelming. And this is important because understanding addiction does not mean excusing addiction, but it does help us understand why simply saying just stop is rarely effective. Because the substance is often solving a problem before it becomes a problem. Unfortunately, over time it creates far bigger problems than the one it originally helped soothe. Including profound damage to relationships. I think this is where attachment becomes incredibly important. Because when we look beneath many addictions, we often find unmet emotional needs. Loneliness, shame, disconnection, trauma, emotional neglect, or experiences where vulnerability simply did not feel safe. Now that doesn't mean every person with an addiction has experienced trauma, many people describe using substances ⁓ cope with emotions they never learnt how to manage in healthier ways. The becomes predictable, reliable, available, and eventually it starts functioning almost like a relationship. A relationship that never judges, never asks never requires vulnerability until of course the consequences begin to emerge. One of the first casualties of addiction is trust. because trust disappears overnight, but because it is gradually eroded through hundreds of small experiences, promises that are broken, information that is withheld, money goes missing, relapses That are hidden, that don't quite add up, attempts to minimize behavior, attempts to conceal behavior, attempts to avoid consequences. Many tell me they feel as though they are constantly questioning reality. Not because they want to, but because reality has become difficult to verify, and trust depends upon consistency between words and actions. One of the things I often say is this is not destroyed by a single mistake. Trust is destroyed when reassurance and reality repeatedly stop matching. Because eventually the partner no longer knows what to believe. And that uncertainty becomes exhausting. The nervous system begins scanning constantly for danger, listening for clues, ⁓ for signs, and Trying to determine whether what is being said is actually true. And this hypervigilance can become incredibly consuming. partners find themselves checking bank accounts, ⁓ phones, ⁓ spending, checking behavior. Not they want to become investigators, but because trust has become so damaged that they no longer feel emotionally safe. And when emotional safety disappears, people naturally start searching for certainty. I think one of the most painful aspects of addiction is the emotional loneliness it creates. addiction often becomes the primary relationship. Not not consciously, but functionally. The substance becomes the thing. That receives the person's attention, energy, focus, emotional investment, and the partner slowly begins feeling displaced. Many partners describe feeling invisible, forgotten, rejected, unimportant. They may still be living together, in the same bed, sharing meals, raising children. But emotionally, The connection begins to disappear. One of the most painful experiences in relationships is not physical absence, it's emotional absence. It's looking at someone you love and feeling unable to reach them. It's feeling as though the person is right there in front of you, but somehow emotionally unavailable. And over time, that creates enormous grief. Because many partners are not simply angry, they are grieving. Grieving the relationship they once had, grieving the person they remember, grieving the connection they desperately want to uncover. Sometimes what sounds like anger is actually heartbreak. Sometimes what sounds like criticism is actually fear. And underneath many of these conflicts are Is a much deeper attachment question. Are you still here with me? From an attachment perspective, addiction often creates a very familiar dynamic. The non-addicted partner frequently becomes the pursuer. They monitor, question, check bank balances, check for accounts, check for evidence, look for signs of relapse. Attempt to create accountability, try to regain safety. the addicted partner often becomes increasingly withdrawn, defensive, ⁓ avoidant, protective, ashamed. And the more frightened the pursuing partner becomes, they the harder they push for reassurance. The they push, The more overwhelmed the withdrawing partner feels. more overwhelmed they feel, the more they hide. ⁓ suddenly both people are trapped inside a cycle. One trying desperately to restore safety, the other trying desperately to avoid shame. Neither partner what they actually need, and both becoming increasingly disconnected. This is one of the reasons addictions can feel so impossible to solve from inside the relationship. Because both people are responding to genuine pain. But the ways they're responding often intensify the very thing they're trying to repair. Another pattern we often see is codependency. Now I know that word can sometimes be controversial, but what I'm referring to here is a dynamic. Where one partner becomes increasingly responsible for managing the other person's life. Paying debts, covering up mistakes, making excuses, protecting them from consequences, trying to hold everything together. And here's the important thing enabling begins as love. Most people are not trying to make addiction worse, they're trying to help. They're trying to reduce suffering. trying to save someone they care about. But the tragedy is that helping and rescuing are not always the same thing. Because when we continually remove the consequences of another person's behavior, we sometimes unintentionally remove the very experiences that create motivation for change. And over time, The caretaker often becomes exhausted, resentful, burnt out, and disconnected from their own needs. partners ⁓ stop living their own lives because they become consumed with managing someone else's. Addiction creates enormous instability within relationships, mood swings, volatility. Broken routines, financial uncertainty, emotional inconsistency, and human beings' nervous systems struggle in unpredictable environments. We are wired to support and seek safety, predictability, reliability, consistency. When those things disappear, anxiety naturally increases. partners describe feeling as though they are Constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger conflict, trying to avoid arguments, trying to predict what kind of mood they might encounter. And living in that state for months or years can be profoundly exhausting. It places the nervous system into a near constant state of vigilance. eventually, many begin experiencing anxiety. Sleep difficulties, emotional exhaustion, burnout, and symptoms that can start looking remarkably similar to trauma responses. I think it's important to address something carefully here. everyone who struggles with addiction becomes abusive, but substance abuse does increase risk because substances can impair judgment, reduce inhibition. Increase impulsivity and intensify emotional reactivity. this can sometimes contribute to emotional abuse, intimidation, coercion, aggression, or physical violence. So want to be very clear. Addiction may help explain behavior. It never excuses abuse. And if relationship has become unsafe, Safety must always come first before relationship repair. I want to share a story that illustrates just how complex addiction can become inside a relationship. As identifying details have been changed to it to protect privacy. ⁓ And example reflects themes I've seen across multiple clients rather than any one individual. I remember working with a couple Where the male partner had developed a long-standing addiction involving paid pornography sites and regular visits to sex workers. For years his partner had no idea about the extent of what was happening. She knew something felt off. There were occasional inconsistencies, unexplained spending, periods of emotional distance, growing sense that something wasn't ⁓ right. But she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Then one day everything changed. A message from a sex worker appeared on his phone while they were sitting together. And in a single moment, the reality she thought she understood began to unravel. What followed was the gradual uncovering of years of secrecy, paid pornography subscriptions. Large amounts of money that had been hidden from the family budget, repeated visits to sex workers, lies, concealment, and the emotional devastation that came with discovering it. When she first came into counseling, she described feeling as though her entire reality had been ripped away from her. Not only was she confronting the sexual betrayal itself, but She was also confronting the financial betrayal. she believed had gone towards their future had instead been spent funding the addiction. Money had never agreed to spend. Money she didn't even know was missing. And what struck me most was that her primary emotion wasn't actually anger. At least not ⁓ initially. was shock, profound shock. She kept saying that. I don't know what's real anymore. And I think that's something people often underestimate about addiction when secrecy is involved. The damage is not simply caused by the behavior itself. The damage is caused by the collapse of reality. The partner suddenly finds themselves questioning years of memories, years of conversations, years of explanations, years of reassurances. And that uncertainty creates a profound attachment injury. Because attachment bonds upon one fundamental assumption that the person I love is generally who they say they are. When that assumption collapses, emotional safety collapses with it. What what was also important in this particular case was Was understanding that two things could be true at the same time. The addiction was real, and the betrayal was real. His compulsive behavior was causing enormous damage in his own life. But her experience of betrayal, deception, financial abuse, and emotional devastation was equally real. reality did not cancel out the other. And part of the healing process involved creating space for both experiences. His shame, her hurt, his struggle, her grief, his accountability, her need for safety. Because recovery in situations like this is not simply about stopping the behavior. It's about rebuilding trust after trust has been shattered. And that process is often much slower than people expect. because the injured partner is unwilling to forgive, but because the nervous system cannot simply switch trust back on. Trust has to be earned through consistency, through honesty, through transparency, and through time. And I think this is something many couples need to hear. Recovery from addiction and recovery from betrayal are often happening simultaneously. They overlap, but they are not the same thing. person may be working incredibly hard on their recovery, attending meetings, ⁓ to therapy, changing their behaviour, and yet their partner may still be struggling to feel safe. Not because they're being difficult, but Not because they're holding a grudge, but because betrayal trauma takes time to heal. The nervous system needs repeated experiences of safety before trust can begin to return. And that process deserves patience, compassion, and respect from both partners. Recovery is about much more than stopping the substance. the substance is incredibly important. But relationships require something more. Trust must be rebuilt. Reliability must be rebuilt. Accountability must be rebuilt. Emotional safety must be rebuilt. And that takes time. Recovery often involves learning entirely new ways of regulating emotions. how to tolerate distress. Learning to ask for support. Learning how to be vulnerable, learning how to reconnect. And for couples, recovery often involves learning how to create a sh secure attachment bond again. conversation at a time. One of honesty at a time. One repair a time. Because trust ⁓ rarely returns one grand gesture. Trust is rebuilt through consistency. Through showing up, through doing what you say you're going to do again and again and again until safety slowly begins to return. And maybe that's where I want to leave today's conversation. Addiction is not simply a substance problem, it's often a relationship problem, an emotional regulation problem, an attachment problem, a pain problem. And because of that, recovery is about much more than abstinence. Recovery is about connection. Connection to self. Connection to others. to emotional experience. And many couples, ⁓ recovery ⁓ ultimately rebuilding the trust after trust has been broken. Rebuilding emotional after safety has been lost. And rebuilding connection after long periods of loneliness. Secure relationships are not built on perfection. They are built on honesty, accountability, repair, and the willingness to keep showing up, even after pain, after disappointment, even trust has been shaken. Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. And before I go, a quick reminder that the Project Secure Attachment Store is now open, and there's currently 15% off store wide during the launch period. find the link in the description. Thank you so much for supporting the podcast and the work that allows these conversations to continue. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and I'll see you next time.