Latest / She's Next Level / 33: How To Not Beat Yourself Up When Things Don't Go The Way You Wanted

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33: How To Not Beat Yourself Up When Things Don't Go The Way You Wanted · She's Next Level

• Darshna Patel: Hello everybody and welcome back to the She's Next Level podcast. It's your girl Darsh ⁓ and if you guys are tuning in now, I am currently in Thailand and Bali. So if you guys do want to check out behind the scenes and travel along with me, ⁓ follow me on Instagram. My Instagram is Darsh Vibes, D-A-R-S-H-V-I-B-E-S-S ⁓ and I will probably be back by the this releases like a week later. So feel free to follow me along on there. In today's podcast episode, we going to be talking about how to not beat yourself up when things don't go the way that you wanted them to. How many times have we done this? All the fucking time, all the time, right? ⁓ And ⁓ it's just so interesting because, you know, I think about this a and was like, Wow, like when we were kids, we didn't do this. We learned this. This was a learned behavior. When things don't go the way that we want to, when we are hard on ourselves, right? We weren't doing that as kids. When we were kids, we were focused on celebrating ourselves, even when we made mistakes, like even when we were unable to do something that we wanted to do, right? We may have had a fit, right? We may have, you know, cried. We may have like been mad and angry, right? but we didn't make it mean anything about us. We didn't allow it to limit us and we kept going for it, right? I mean, I love the pure example of like a kid that asked their mom like, can I have this? Can I have this? Can I have this? You know how like that kid is always just like, nugging at their mom of like, hey, I want this. And even though the mom says no, they're like, I want it. I want it, right? That is the essence of what I'm talking about here is that that kid is not fucking giving up and even if that kid didn't get what they wanted to they are not beating themselves up about it. I feel like I get so much inspiration from kids nowadays like I learn so much from kids Because that is the true essence of who we are, right? We were so authentic. We were so connected to ourselves. We didn't fucking care about what anybody thought of us. We were so free. We were so unlimited. And we were so like full of life. This is something that I really struggled with a lot in my life. I've even had people tell me like straight up like, Darsha, you're being so hard on yourself. And even when they would tell me those things, like I just wouldn't, it wouldn't register. I would be like, like another language that they're speaking to me because I didn't even see that I was being hard on myself as much as I was being hard on myself. mean, growing up for me. I had the case of not enough itis and like just not feeling good enough, right? That's been a lifelong lesson for me. And I would be so hard on myself for the way that things would go that as if it meant something about me, as if it was my fault, right? When I would have a falling out with friends, I would make it mean something about me that I did something wrong, would blame myself for it as if like I did something that made them leave or you know whenever I made a decision about something that didn't go the way that I would hope that it would go or that I expected it for to go like I would beat myself up and blame myself for it because I was like why like what happened right you could have done better right how many times have we done that even when like I remember when I sold my first home when I used to do real estate back in the day And I did not even take a fucking moment to celebrate myself. I was literally like, amazing. Let's go on to the next thing. Like I was so focused on the next thing because it did not feel enough for me. And I was being hard on myself in that way by not celebrating myself and feeling proud of myself and recognizing my achievement, right? Validating myself and really giving myself a moment there before moving on to the next thing. because it just wasn't enough. And so you realize that that feeling kept going on with me. Like that feeling of not enoughness kept coming along in so many ways until I obviously stopped feeling that way. It's been a long journey, but I can say I definitely not as hard on myself anymore as I used to be. And a big piece of this is because you are out of unconditional love for yourself is what happens when you beat yourself up for the things that may not have worked out the way that you wanted them to, ⁓ ⁓ in general when you make mistakes or anything like that. Like you beat yourself up because you are out of unconditional love. And if you have not listened to my episode that I did recently around unconditional self-love, I highly recommend you stop this episode right now. You go and listen to that before continuing to listen to this one because that episode really lays the foundation down for you to understand self-love, how to harness it, how to cultivate it. That's gonna help you lay that foundation down so that you can really digest this one better and really be able to get the most out of this episode. And so why do we beat ourselves up, right? When things don't go our way, like why do we do this? And it is because we care too much about how we are perceived by other people. And we do this because we have a biological, it's like a human animal instinct thing within us, right? As humans, we have this biological need for this sense of belonging in the world, right? The sense of contribution and belonging. And so because of that, we do end up carrying so much about what people think because we're constantly fucking surrounded by people. Like there's people everywhere. Like that is the way that we live our lives is communication with other people, is in union with other people. So of course I get why we care about how we're perceived because we want to feel safe. We don't want to be ruled out, right? On a biological level. But you will get to a point where you realize that there is a fine line between you abandoning yourself and disrespecting yourself because you are afraid of being perceived a certain way when you make a mistake, right? I mean, the thing about mistakes, guys, and this is where we like often tend to beat ourselves up is when we make mistakes. That's when it actually happens. The thing about that is that no one is fucking judging you. Like no one ever. gives a shit that much to judge you. Like it's always you judging yourself. And I want you guys to know that life is a one-way street. I know that we've always heard of like the whole two-way street saying, but life literally is a one-way street. And what I mean by this is that from a universal law of the law of mirrors is that whatever is happening within you, your inner world is always being reflected from your outer world and it's because of our energy field that we have. In scientific terms, it's called the EMF field. I call it energy field. But the energy field that we have is constantly broadcasting other people to pick up on our energy, all the thoughts, all the beliefs that we hold, all the actions that we take, like every single thing, our identity that we believe about ourselves and who we are. Our energy is broadcasting a message, out to other people for them to respond to our energy in those ways. And so life is a one-way street because the way that you judge yourself is gonna show up when you beat yourself up so much that you do when things don't work out the way that you wanted them to. Because when you beat yourself up for the way that things don't work out the way that you wanted them to or when you make mistakes, people are gonna do that to you. And that is why this happens, right? And then the cycle continues where we just start to continue to believe that and continue to beat ourselves up more and more. ⁓ But when we realize that life is a one way street, then we stop the pattern. We stop beating ourselves up because ⁓ realize, that life is always reflecting back to you what you are an energetic match for based on how you're being towards yourself. So if you find yourself being hard on yourself, ⁓ usually there's a of judgment and a fear of rejection that's coming up. And so ⁓ where in your just take inventory, where in your life are you being that way towards yourself? Where in your life are you rejecting yourself? Where in your life are you being judgy? ⁓ and like judging yourself and that is going to help you not do that so much anymore because you were aware that life is a one-way street, that this is your world and I always say this is my world and everyone's living in it because it is true. It is your world that's always being reflected back to you. And then you will realize that honestly the mistakes that you make are actually helping you grow. They're actually helping you become better because without your mistakes you wouldn't be better. You wouldn't learn, you wouldn't grow. And I would say the same goes for any of the that we experience in our lives. Like if we didn't have any obstacles in our life, we wouldn't grow and it would make life honestly really fucking boring. ⁓ it would just be like the same shit every day, ⁓ know, not having any issue at all. And it wouldn't just make life more interesting. It wouldn't allow us to, you know, realize and see what we're capable of. And a big part of understanding this concept around not beating yourself up when things happen, or even the fear of like judgment and rejection that can come up is understanding your emotions. Now women have been programmed by society to not feel their emotions. know, like think about when kids cry and they're like throwing a tantrum and how loud and crazy that they are. Like a lot of people are always like turned off by it, right? And so we have all been programmed to not be too much. not to, you know, cry so much, not to be so emotional, not to like really feel our emotions because it's a nuance or it's inconvenient for other people, right? Like we have been programmed this for our entire lives and that's why a lot of women shove their emotions down their bodies. Like that's why you end up having a lot of fucking like issues in your body because that emotion and that energetic trauma just stays stored in your body, right? And so we have not been taught how to feel our emotions, how to process our emotions out of our body. And so because of that, we don't know what to do with them when we feel triggered when things happen. And because of that, you end up beating yourself up because you have labeled an emotion good and bad. Like society has labeled certain emotions as good, certain emotions as bad versus just being totally neutral about emotions and seeing emotions as feedback. It's literally just telling you where you're out of alignment with your true core self, or it's also telling you like the great emotions, right? Or emotions that we want to integrate more into our body because obviously, you know, you manifest through your emotions, right? Everything is energetic. Anything is energy, emotions are energy. And so we manifest through our emotions. So like what you want to integrate more or what you want to. be ready to release from your body because it's no longer serving you because it's no longer an alignment not because it's good or bad. So getting rid of the whole labels of the good and bad emotions and just seeing emotions as feedback is really going to help you allow yourself and give yourself permission to feel your emotions. Okay, there's nothing wrong with them. And I also want to make a distinction between intuition and your emotions because it gets very tricky. And a lot of people think that their emotions is their intuition. Like it is not the truth. ⁓ I have been there I have definitely noticed the difference after training my intuition for over a year now ⁓ of like what it like when I'm emotional. And honestly guys, it's so tricky because your emotions can feel like so subtle. Like it can be so subtle in your body, ⁓ but it can literally so loud. Like the emotion is like you're super emotional, but you're not feeling it so much in your body. I have felt that where I was like, ⁓ that's intuition because intuition is so subtle. Intuition is neutral. There is no emotion. There is no logic. It's just fact. It's just there. And it's such a different feeling. So I just want to mention that because a lot of people, this may hurt by hearing this, but a lot of people are making decisions based on their emotions, not their intuition. And your intuition is always fucking spot on. It's always true. Your emotions are not. And so when you start to allow yourself to feel your emotions, you can start to become more intimate with them. You can start to understand them better and you can start to take more aligned action and make more aligned decisions because you know the difference. you're not quote unquote beating yourself up for having a negative emotion the other day. I went to Whole Foods and I was hungry so I was like I'm gonna get like a little falafel sandwich that they have there. I fucking love it, it's so good. And so I go there and the lady tells me that they're out of a lot of the things that need to make it. ⁓ it's interesting because I've been to that Whole Foods a couple times where I've wanted a falafel sandwich before and they would tell me the same thing, that they just didn't have the stuff to make it or they ran out whatever excuse that they had. And I was also on my period. Okay, it was my first day, you know how that goes. And so I literally started complaining and I wasn't yelling, I wasn't being disrespectful, but I was being a little bitchy and my sarcastic humor comes through. just making them feel ⁓ they're stupid like I was just being a bitch and it was okay. But I was being bitchy I was just like, what the fuck, like you guys like. always do this shit, like does no one fucking care? this is so stupid And in that moment, I could feel the emotion my body. I could feel a sense of like, you'll feel ⁓ a sense of unease in your body versus when in flow. You'll just feel something in your body. And I felt it, usually it's in my stomach area. ⁓ It's my chest or my stomach. So I felt in my stomach. And then I was like, hold up girl, because being aware is really, really helpful. So I was like, hold up girl. I'm gonna walk away, I'm gonna breathe. And instead of beating myself about being a bitch to her, Instead of beating myself about the way that I responded and handled that situation, I got curious. So I was like, what's going on? Like, what am I feeling? Like, why am I feeling this way? And as I allowed myself to be curious, explore the emotion, I ended up finding something else that I enjoyed eating and then... Literally, I was fine. Like I was not beating myself up anymore. What people usually do is they beat themselves up for being that way, right? And then because you do that your brain just starts to spiral because it has years and years of evidence behind that emotion and that feeling ⁓ so it just starts to spiral in your head and then it fucks up your day because of that you just keep beating yourself about other things because of that ⁓ but I like really got curious in the moment and I was with my emotion ⁓ I stopped that fucking pattern and loop. I mean, I've been doing this so I'm not doing it as much anymore. But again, repetition is everything. So I stopped that and I got curious and I kid you not, like, you know when your mind sometimes like tugs at you of certain things and you're just like, let it go, like let it go, right? It literally let it go. It was like out and done. And I was not beating myself up at all. I didn't even have a thought of beating myself up. so. ⁓ Being with your emotions, feeling your emotions, being curious with your emotions, not labeling them as good and bad has really helped me not beat myself up as much anymore. Especially when things don't go that the way that I expected them to or the way that I really wanted them to. And I'm a stubborn ass bitch. when want something, I fucking want it and I will do what I gotta do to get it. ⁓ And ⁓ I definitely really cool to kind of witness that in real time. When you have motherfucking emotional mastery, like ⁓ you become a ninja in life, tell you that. And you stop beating yourself up as much anymore ⁓ because you understand the importance of emotions, what it's telling you. ⁓ It's always communicating with you. It's feedback. And most women that struggle with being hard on themselves is usually because they struggle with procrastination or they struggle with overthinking, they struggle with self-doubt, they struggle with the things like anxiety, ADHD, whatever the hell it is. It is because people have labeled those things as bad. and society has told us that we need fixing or we need healing and those things are just not good at all. And the thing is, is that until you start to love your trauma, until you start to love that part of you that has been, you know, behaving that way from even if it was from a trauma response, that is the only way that you'll actually start to stop being so hard on yourself and start to heal parts of yourself Because you can't heal from hate. Only love can heal. And there's a universal law that I want to introduce you guys to, which is called the law of balance. And it basically states that there's an equal amount of good as there is an equal amount of bad. Now, everything is neutral in life. meaning, when there's up, there is down, there is left, there is right, there's yin, there's yang. ⁓ When there's there is cold. And so when you guys think about, you know, the qualities and traits that you have, around like overthinking, procrastination, self-doubt, Your higher self planned everything about you in your life, for you to experience the trauma that you may have experienced that gave you those qualities like overthinking, procrastination, whatever it is, gave you those things because your higher self knew how it was going to benefit you in your life. ⁓ when you start to unconditionally love yourself, this is the essence of it and being able to see the perfection. Right? The equal amount of good, the equal amount of bad because the universe always has to be in balance. When you start to see the perfection in the things that you experience because of the trauma, you will start to notice that you will start to love yourself more even when you are being that way, like how I was being super bitchy or, you know, I tend to like overthink sometimes, like even when I'm being that way. I start to notice the benefits of what that is and what that quality gives me. And when I do, I start to love it and appreciate it more. And because of that, I actually stop doing it so much. It's wild how you start to transform. And because I stop doing that so much, I stop beating myself up about it when I'm doing that because I see the good and the bad in it. I see the perfection in it. start to move from a place of alignment. So when things are not working out the way that you you want them to or that you expected them to you don't beat yourself up anymore because you see the unconditional love you see the law of balance the perfection and everything that's going on You see the equal amount of goods, the equal amount of negative. And because you do, life gets to feel easier, it gets to feel more fun because you're not attaching your sense of value and your sense of self to anything outside of you, to any situation, to any outcome. Because it's not, it's not a representation of you. It can never be. Because there's equal amount of good and there's equal amount of negatives to everything. You allow yourself to be more human. You start to trust yourself more and you enjoy life a lot more because you know that everything is always working out in your favor even when your mind cannot even come up with the endless possibilities that are out there for you. I want to leave you guys with this last piece if you take anything away from this entire episode. I want you to just remember that it is not about the outcome. It is about the way that you show up. It's about the way that you feel and the way that you respond to life, to all the things that happen that actually helps you move into the next level in healing and actually healing in your life. to actually being more rooted in your power, to trusting yourself more. because you know that you have your own back. And I want you guys to just take a second to really acknowledge yourself here because you are still alive, bitch. If you're listening, you're still alive, you're still here. Think about everything that you've been through in your life. We are not even acknowledging and celebrating ourselves and feeling proud of ourselves for everything we've been through in our life and that fact that we're still here, we're still alive. The impact that we made, I mean, We help people every single day regardless whether we realize it or not just through our energy Just through who we are not what we do who we are. It's where it all comes from So when you recognize everything that you've been through, all your achievements, all the impact that you've made, even if you were a bitch, even if you were rude to somebody, you were still impacting someone else's life because you were helping them see how they're out of alignment, right? When we're talking about our energy fields, we're all like always reflecting to each other. So you were always having an impact on someone's life. You're always helping people. You were always forward and becoming better in your life, regardless of what happens. take a moment to just recognize yourself and celebrate yourself because when you do, when you really allow yourself to see the perfection, right? The unconditional love, you're able to see both sides to every situation, that's when you truly start to move in alignment. And that's when you start to not beat yourself up anymore around anything that happens when things don't go the way that you wanted them to, because you see the perfection in it. You see that everything's working out for you. You really are rooted in that trust I hope and I trust that this episode helps you stop beating yourself as much anymore. I know it's a journey again. It's not going to like happen right away, but I want you guys to start just taking inventory and start pinpointing in all the ways that ⁓ may have been beating yourself up around things. Maybe you have a little bit too much of a control on things that, you know, maybe you can release certain expectations and control. Come back home to yourself. Release that sense of value and you know the way that we care about being perceived by other people start to release that and start to come more inwards like home to yourself start to acknowledge all the traits and attributes that you have about yourself that you truly love see the good the negatives just truly seeing the perfection in it. I know I keep saying this again and again, but I really want it to land for you guys in your brain because this is the thing that moves the needle. This is the thing that reduces all the obstacles that you experience in your life. It really helps you stop beating yourself up over things that are out of your control and even things that were in control, like the things that you did. It really helps you start to see life through the lens of source, Let me know what you guys took away from this episode. Hit me up on Instagram. My Instagram is Darash Vibes, D-A-R-S-H-V-I-B-E-S-S. And leave me a review, guys. I really want to grow this podcast more and more, get into the hands of more women like you, really grow the community. It really means a lot. So please leave me a review if you're listening on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're listening. And let me know what else you guys want to hear from me. Let me know what your takeaways are and I will catch you guys in the next episode.