Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 170. The Partner, the Funeral, and the Fallout: The Side to Grief No One Talks About

Transcript

170. The Partner, the Funeral, and the Fallout: The Side to Grief No One Talks About · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello, everybody, Welcome back
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. Don't forget. We are in your
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: ears four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Tuesday and Friday are a Bessie Submissions. You guys have
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: written to us anonymously. We have no idea who's written
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: them in You're sticky situations or just things that you want.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Advice from two best friends who we would give to
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: each other if we were in the situation that you're in.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: So what have you got for us today?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Absolutely? This one's a bit of an interesting one. My
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: dad recently passed away, and his partner, not my mum,
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: has made every step of the way so difficult. I'm
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: trying to see it from an empathetic you that she's
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: just grieving, but so much of it feels intentional. She
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: was with my dad for two years before he passed,
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: shat me and my siblings out of every decision with
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: his funeral, her children do his eulogy and actively involved them.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: She spent excess on the bar tab at his wake
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: and had nothing left for his headstone. My siblings and
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I had just scrambled to be able to fund it.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: She's made decisions on the funeral that I know my
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: dad never wanted based on conversations we had. She did
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: involve us in his headstone and we all agreed on
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: what it would say, and then when the draft was
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: sent to her, she changed it without telling anyone, including
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: my grandma, which is my dad's mum. And she has
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: really made it all about her. People are saying to
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: move on and not let it affect me, but it
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: feels like she is trying to erase any part of
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: my dad before her. I feel hurt, and I feel angry,
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: and like I can't go to his memorial space to
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: grieve him without being angry and seeing the words that
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: she changed. I don't know how to move past this
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: or resolve this. When anyone has tried to talk to
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: her about it, she says that she knows him best,
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: and she's the one that has lost the person she loved,
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: and she has the right to do whatever she wants.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: My dad didn't have a will, and she has taken
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: over everything I don't care about any belongings or the money.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: The only thing I want is my dad and I
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: want to be able to forgive her, but I feel
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: so angry. How do I move through this? Oh? Man? Firstly,
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, so sorry.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I can't imagine what that would feel like and how
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: disappointing that would be to feel like she has just
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: come in and taken over and disregarded anything that you
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: and your family want, considering like he was your dad.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: It's your dad, your whole life. Oh she's spent two
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: years with him, but he was.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Your dad, and it sounds like you had such a
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: beautiful relationship with him too. Sounds super close with him,
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: and Ah, I just can't imagine the disappointment that would
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: come from that. I'm really sorry that you had to
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: experience that.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: MY heart really hurts for you.
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, advice wise, gosh, I feel like in this situation,
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: there really isn't a lot that you can do, and
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: holding on to the resentment and the anger is just
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: going to cause you so much more pain.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: And you're already in pain. You're already missing him, you're
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: already grieving him. But I know that so much easier
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: than done. Yeah, I mean personally, I think whenever I
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: go through something really tough, whether it's grief or anything,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I'm always getting outside support. Whether that's through girlfriends or
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: through a coach or someone that specializes in what I'm
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: going through, I get supports. So maybe just getting some
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: support to help you through this forgiveness and some breath
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: work to like somatically remove that anger out of your
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: body and just make sure that you've got some stabilizers
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: around you to get you through this, because grief is
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: not something that just goes away. It fucking lingers and
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: one day you completely fine and next day you're like
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: what the fuck? It hits you like a ton of
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: bricks does, and you can't even function. And I haven't
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: lost a parent yet most people I speak to, grief
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: is just it's constant. So anything that you can have
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: to help support you, I'm assume you have. But also
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: have you maybe tried to write a letter or sit
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: down with her and just fully, vulnerably not attack her
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: or criticize her, vulnerably talk about how you're feeling throughout
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: this process and how you're struggling to cope with it
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: because of the decisions that she's made and how she
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: responded to that, because sometimes I think we can all
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: have better conversations. I don't know how open she would
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: be to that or how reactive she might be, And
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: you have to go on with no expectations because she
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: is on her own journey as well, and she is grieving,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: and we all grieve differently, and a lot of time
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: in grief, that's not who we are. Yeah, it's like
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: a totally different person takes over because you just your
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: body's in the stake of shock and sadness that it's
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: just so heavy. But I think that's what I would do.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: What would you do?
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, I don't know necessarily what I would do. I
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: think I would just want to be angry and I
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: putting myself in your shoes. I'm thinking that I reckon.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: I would be channeling that anger from my dad passing
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: onto this person, do you know what I mean? Almost
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: like a way of being like, well, fuck you, And
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: like I see this as like you expressing your anger
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: for having lost your dad onto this woman, and this
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: person is almost like a channel for you to be
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: like well fuck you and get all the frustration out
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: without actually having to fully feel the grief, And that's
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: what I imagine I would want to do in that
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: moment too, because I'd be like, what do I do
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: with all this sadness? Yeah? What do I do with
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: all this anger? I don't know what to do with it?
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: This is the first person who's bothering me, And how
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: do you betray me in this way? And like try
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: to erase my dad? And obviously you don't want to
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: do that, And I'd be curious to know this coach
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: hat you know, is there a part of you that's
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: fearful that the memory of him will be erased? Because
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: the language that you said in that was like she's
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: trying to erase him, like the life before that she
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: had with him, and now your dad's passed away, and
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: it's like, oh my gosh, I wonder if there's a
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: deep rooted fear of that being true. But it's like
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: it doesn't have to be. Dad's always going to be
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: with you, and I know it's easier said than done,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: and this may co totally over your head depending on
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: where you're at.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: And that's okay also, and.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: That's okay, but it's like he gets to stay with
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: you so long as you remind yourself that he's with
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: you in spirit and energy, in your memories of him,
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: in the way that you choose to honor him and
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: the life that he lived. We had a guest on
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: recently who in like the culture in New Zealand. They
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: have like the culture where like they really celebrate death. Yeah,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: it's not like a married culture. Yeah, it's not a funeral,
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: it's a celebration of life. And I think I really
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: liked the way that they kind of spoke about death
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: because it was really beautiful and really showcase how much
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: they celebrated that person, who they were, what light they
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: brought to the world, how much they impacted every single
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: person that they touched, including you. And I just think
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: when I think about grief and death, I think that's
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: the way that I would want to remember the people
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: that I love. It's like, try to think of the
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: celebration as opposed to drowning in the grief, you know,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: and both exist. Like, I know, you can't bypass grief,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: it doesn't work like that. You still have to feel it.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: But I think without putting all the focus on her,
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: how do you want to remember your dad? Yeah, Like,
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: how do you want to nurture the relationship that you
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: had with him in your mind and your body and
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: in your heart, and focus on pouring love into that
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: as opposed to fueling the anger.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: Because we had a Islana Jess. Yeah, and then my
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: girlfriend has lost her baby, a common thing. The three
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: of them, they're all still grieving every single day. They
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: cry every single day. It's hard and I can't even
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: begin to imagine what they've all gone through. They've all
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: lost a child, but all three of them consciously make
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: a chore to celebrate the life they've lost. They consciously
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: choose to be so grateful. They consciously choose to feel
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: and look for signs that their baby's still with them
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: as well as the grief, so both things can co exist.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: And I think it's this conscious choice of where you're
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: putting your energy and where you're putting your focus, because
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: wherever your focus is, it will grow. So if you
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: focus on the anger and focus on what she's done,
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: and focus on how she's done the wrong by you,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: and focus on how you can't agree properly because of her,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: that in your head is just going to get bigger
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: and bigger and bigger. Or you can still feel that
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: and that's totally valid. I'm not trying to take that
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: away from you. That is very true. That's your experience
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: right now. But you can also choose to focus on
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: your beautiful dad and going to sit with him at
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: the grave and talk to him and all the beautiful
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: times you had and what he would want you to
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: be living your life like. He wouldn't want you being angry,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: He wouldn't want you focusing on some of these details.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: He just wants you to remember the good times and
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: remember him and how he showed up for you and
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: for you to live your life to the max because
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: tomorrow isn't promised. You ask what we would do. I
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: think that's where I try and shift my focus, which
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: we are in control of a lot more than what
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: we think. Yeah, but it is very easy to focus
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: on her and blame her and what's happened. But it's
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: just going to get bigger and cause you more pain.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I think there's something you said in there.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I feel hurt and angry and like I can't go
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: to this memorial space to grieve him without feeling angry
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: seeing the words she has changed, So you feel like
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: you can't go and grieve him without feeling angry, and
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: those feelings are valid. But I'm telling you you can
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: still go to his grave, and you can still remember him,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: and you can still connect with him. It might feel
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: like you can't, but you can have full permission to
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: do that. Yet it's consciously like changing where you're putting
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: your focus.
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yeah, grief is scary, Like grief is uncomfortable. No
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: one wants to sit in it. It's a really challenging
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: thing and it really does. It does change you as
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: a person. Yeah, no matter what it looks like, Yours
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: might look different to the next person to as she's
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: to mine, but we still feel it to the same degree.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: And that can be really scary sometimes. But I think
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: something that's been really helpful for me in my own
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: journey of you know, anything that I haven't wanted to feel,
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: is the more that I feel it, the more that
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: I heal it. And I can't imagine, like the loss
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: of a parent, I don't think that'll ever go away.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: You just get better at dealing with it. But I
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: do think that the more that you give yourself permission
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: to feel the loss that you're actually experiencing, the lighter
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: it may feel over time, you know, because you're not
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: harboring all this emotion and anger and frustration, all these
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: things and triggers and all the things, as opposed to
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: just letting yourself sit down and break down and cry.
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: Go sit at the graveyard where his headstone is, sit there,
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: cry with him, like, allow yourself to feel it to
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: the depths, and you won't get stuck there. And I
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: know that's the fear. Yeah, you may carry it with
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: you every single day, but I really really believe that,
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: like when you feel through things, you heal it.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: I wonder if you did something little. I don't know
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: if this would help, but you might have not got
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: what you wanted on the gravestone. But why don't you
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: get that in graves on a key ring a photo
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: of you and him, and get it engraved on the
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: top of the photo frame, just somewhere where you get
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: to see it each day and you get to connect
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: with him in that way, get it tattooed on you whatever. Like,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: there's so many ways that you can still get what
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: your quote unquote wanted. It's just not on that particular headstone.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: But there's other ways that you could still put exactly
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: what you wanted to be on there and love that.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I think that's beautiful.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, something in your own home, to your space.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: Your choice, exactly what feels exactly right for you, because
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: even what you wanted to compare to your siblings might
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: be a bit different. You get to choose what that
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: feels for you.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: But I'm so sorry you're going through this grief. It's
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: honestly so fuck.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: And you know what, Like, you're allowed to be disappointed, Yeah,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: just straight up, you're allowed to be disappointed.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let yourself feel it, all of it.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Make sure you've got the right support around you. Yeah, Like,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I don't think I could have got through anything without
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: having enough support around me. Sending you so much love,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: big virtual hug. Yeah we need It's tough.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: You got this.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: I