Latest / Harder Than Life / 27: Giving Back w/ Michelle Murphy

Transcript

27: Giving Back w/ Michelle Murphy · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Today's episode is extra special to me because this lady runs Variety Detroit, one of the charities that National Technology Management supports and will be the beneficiary of the Heart of the Life proceeds. This is a wonderful organization and she is an amazing mother, wife, and leader. Welcome to the show, my good friend, Michelle Murphy. Hello, Kelly. So glad to be here. Thank you for making the trek with all of the crazy construction. Something I want to do today is we're going to highlight the charity because this is one of the three that we are supporting in addition to what...
• 0:45
  National Technology Management already does. We're hoping to make a monetary donation. So very passionate. But like me, I didn't know Variety existed until we got introduced from the Children's Hospital. So, Michelle, what's Variety the Children's Charity, and how did you come about running it?
• 1:04
  Oh boy. Well, Variety is a children's charity and Variety Detroit is 91 years old. So it started back in 1928 originally with a baby left on the doorstep of a theater in Pittsburgh.
• 1:20
  And it was left on the theater doorsteps with a note pinned to her shirt. And it was from a mother who said, I simply cannot take care of her. I've always heard of the kindness of show business people. And I hope you'll take care of her. So 11 theater owners and entertainment industry men took the baby in. And her name was Catherine Variety Sheridan. They named her. And...
• 1:43
  They gave her everything she needed, one thing at a time, and then decided that they could do it again and again and again, and it became a variety club. So five years later in Detroit, Variety Club was born, and it was originally a men's club. People would meet monthly, have entertainment at their luncheons, raise money to help children in need. And here we are 91 years later, and we have eight core programs of our own, and we service children with unique and special needs all over southeastern Michigan. Yeah.
• 2:13
  And what's really unique about Variety is it started with one baby, and now it's grown into an international organization with 42 tents, as they're called, around the world. It's like a chapter. It's a big top circus reference for the entertainment industry. And it's in over a dozen countries. So it's worldwide, and yet we have a lot of local control to do what we need to do to service kids here.
• 2:39
  Hold the second half of the question because I want to go down. How did – draw me the correlation between Pittsburgh and Detroit, though. In football towns, those are staunch enemies. But how did they drop it in Pittsburgh, name it variety, and then it ended up starting in Detroit? Now, I'm right. Detroit was the first tent. Detroit is tent number five. Okay. So Pittsburgh was one.
• 3:00
  And actually, only two exist now underneath us. We are the third oldest tent in the world. So it started in the U.S., and the entertainment industry was really responsible for bringing it into new sectors. Of course, records are a little scant, but in 1932, it arrived here, and men got together. In fact, I have a fantastic photo at Variety Inc.
• 3:21
  And it's a panoramic from 1939 at the Book Cadillac Hotel. And there's probably, I don't know, four or five hundred men in black tie at the International Convention before it even exploded. So it's got long, deep roots. Our office is lined in black and white photographs of kids throughout the years. And it always ebbed and flowed. It was known primarily in the 70s, 80s, 90s,
• 3:47
  around the world is an entertainment charity. So there were massive movie stars involved. I mean, you know, across the pond there, the Beatles have been involved. Princess Diana was a variety supporter. There is a legacy of entertainment powerhouse behind variety. And it's one of those charities that has remained true to its roots. You know, we listen to what kids need in the local area. And we empower people to do what they can to help.
• 4:18
  Wow. That's, it sounds even better than what I knew. Before we get into how you became a part of it, what are the eight core programs? Oh, there's everything from serving children with special needs. So it's cognitive disability, physical disability, kids who are under-resourced, kids living in disadvantaged communities. So we do everything from adaptive horseback riding for kids with special needs to holiday adoptions, we're providing holidays.
• 4:47
  We have a very unique program, the Variety My Electric Center. So we're doing upper limb prosthetics for kids either born missing a limb or lose it due to congenital difference. We move product every year, about $1.5 million worth of brand new product, to help kids and communities just be able to go to school, have clothing, backpacks, bedding, shoes, clothes,
• 5:10
  We are just embarking on a new mental health initiative. So what's really interesting about Variety is that we really listen to what the local need is. And while we're international and we have that backing and that story and that credibility, we're able to address needs without a lot of the red tape that you find in really large international organizations. If we hear kids are hungry, we can feed them. If we hear they need limbs, we can build them an arm. So it's really unique in that way.
• 5:37
  You say mental health, is it, Andrew Stein was recently on from the Children's Foundation. They're part of a mental health at the Troy. Yes, the Addiction Recovery Center. It's not part of what we do, but we're well aware of the program and we've kind of learned about it throughout. We went to a fundraiser with Jamie Daniels Foundation, which I know you know of. Yes.
• 5:56
  So we're all very partnered together. However, for our mental health initiative, it's called Being You, Being Strong, and we actually partner with Alliance of Coalitions for Healthy Communities. It's a wonderful coalition nonprofit who delivers content, and they've developed a program today.
• 6:12
  based on third through fifth grade in Oakland County schools to talk about healthy coping strategies, how I identify feelings, some of those uncomfortable feelings that kids might have at grades three, four, five, and how to healthfully deal with those. So it's a prevention program, and it just launched about two months ago. So we're excited to see it roll out into the fall and into the next academic year.
• 6:35
  Well, I have uncomfortable feelings. Can I go see? You can. We help everybody. I think everybody needs to... We need to talk to our children about emotions way sooner than we do. Absolutely. They don't know what to do with them. They don't know what's normal, what's not normal. And feeling uncomfortable is normal. Right. And we need to understand that. I mean, I'm uncomfortable three quarters of my day, but I just don't channel it in toxic behavior. So I just...
• 7:02
  You're amazing. I want to know, how did you become part of this? Because you weren't, you were a school teacher or something? I was, yes. I went to Michigan State University and always knew I wanted to teach high school. And I spent several years teaching freshman English. It's a wonderful age. And I enjoyed it. I loved working with kids. I found my way to variety. In 2006, our first child was born. And she was born unexpectedly missing her left arm just below the elbow.
• 7:30
  And when that happened, we were looking for support. And we were told over and over by various physicians, there's really nothing to do. Kids don't know how to use prosthetics. She'll never miss it. And we thought, well, there has to be something. So we started digging and digging. And back in 2006, the internet wasn't quite as fruitful as it is today when you search for something. So 17 pages in, I had found an article about variety giving limbs to children. And so I had found an article about variety giving limbs to children.
• 8:00
  And just coincidentally, in a strange full circle moment, I had worked in high school for a past president of Variety. Her name is Felicia Palazzolo Shaw, and she owned Nino Salon at Somerset. I worked at her front desk. I was 17. And I knew she was the president of Variety at the time.
• 8:20
  But I never knew what variety did because I was 17 and didn't think to ask. I was answering phones and booking appointments. So fast forward 10 years when our daughter was born and I saw the name Variety, I called Felicia. And I said, Felicia, I went away to college. I got married. We just had our first child. And she's in need of a limb. And I found an article that says Variety provides prosthetic limbs. Is that your variety?
• 8:44
  And she said, yeah, that's us. And within a month, I was meeting with the professionals in the Variety Myoelectric Center to learn all about what myoelectrics were and how it worked and why it does work for children often. And within a couple of months, our daughter had her first limb. So it was a very organic entry into the variety world. I was...
• 9:06
  I just want to stop you right there. What was it? Myoelectric? What does that mean? So myoelectric is a term for an electronic limb. So it's got electrodes that pick up a signal in the arm. So yours or mine will send a signal to our hand to open.
• 9:23
  And in the case of a limb difference, they don't have that extension to open, but that muscle is still there. So the prosthetist and the physician and the therapist find where those points of contact are, put the electrodes there. And when that signal goes, that hand will open and close. And so it's got motors.
• 9:39
  It's a painless process. I mean, it's kind of like when you go to the dentist and you have a retainer made. They mold. It doesn't hurt. If it fits well, it stays on until you want it to come off. Same thing with a limb. Our prosthetist out of Hanger Clinic, Livonia, does an absolute fantastic job fitting the children, dealing with their nerves. It's a new process, but it's a painless process. And building the limb, which then they can use to open and close, I mean, as a
• 10:08
  Five-year-old, they're opening their fruit snacks. They're tying their shoes on time. In some cases, they're hanging from monkey bars. I mean... It had to be pretty life-changing for her. Absolutely. And then you guys. Absolutely. It's life-changing. And that's actually one of Variety's taglines is life-changing. And I always tell people that is not a tagline, a byline. It's the mission. It's the method. It's life-changing. Because when you give a child a limb early...
• 10:35
  It's often like learning a foreign language. If you learn it before you're five, you're pretty fluent. So when you give an infant, a 12-month-old, an 18-month-old, a prosthetic limb, they often take to it very well. And it just becomes a natural part of who they are. And they're able to do all sorts of things. Is that how old she was?
• 10:54
  Yeah, she was seven months when she was first fit, and then she received her first myoelectric at about 16 months. Once they're walking is typically when you introduce a myoelectric limb, and it's pretty amazing what milestones are met right on time, but it's an unparalleled program. We cannot find anywhere...
• 11:15
  anywhere else that does what we do because we'll say yes and give you a limb. And then 18 to 24 months later, that child continues to grow. That's what it's going to say. Right? It's like outgrowing your shoes. They outgrow their limbs. So when we say yes, we're saying yes every two years. And we're building limb after limb after limb.
• 11:31
  And there's zero cost out of pocket for the children. For most of the families, it's a 0%. In some cases, there's a very low family contribution. But in many cases, a lot of insurance policies do not cover upper limb myoelectrics for children. Because they know they're going to grow, they're going to need replacing. Sometimes they'll get what's called a cable arm, and they'll have to actually shrug shoulders to get the arm to move.
• 11:58
  But with these motors and that technology, it can open and close pretty seamlessly. I mean, we plug in our cell phones at the end of the night, and we plug in our myroelectric limb. So it's very unique. So Variety covers the cost of everything above and beyond what insurance costs.
• 12:15
  covers, and then all the therapy. All the children see the program therapist, and he's available in three different sites in Grosse Pointe, Royal Oak, and in Macomb. And this is all through Corwell Health. We have a phenomenal relationship with Corwell because we've had the program at Variety since 1981. So for four decades, we've been doing this.
• 12:35
  And we just can't find anywhere else that gives limb over limb in this way, provides the componentry, the cost, the therapy. And what's super unique is that we have a limb bank. So if the kids outgrow a limb and any of those parts cannot be used again for their next limb, those are donated back to the program. And we have this collection of parts that only a prosthetist would know what to do with, but we can use those to build new limbs for kids properly.
• 13:03
  who perhaps have zero insurance, very low insurance, to keep program costs down. So it's an extremely cohesive program with a fabulous physician at the helm, Dr. Edward Dabrowski, who is just absolutely fantastic.
• 13:17
  Well, I love, if you're watching this, you could see how she lit up. So she is the right person to run this. And I'm going to ask you to continue your story about, because you didn't kind of finish how you got started in it. But I got to say, I do have to back what you just said about...
• 13:33
  that you guys run on a shoestring budget because NTM stepped in and donated all the technology because I walked in and go, oh, good grief. You can't possibly be running it on this stuff. And we did everything. And I'm not trying to shamelessly plug, but I just wanted everybody to know that you guys, what is the...
• 13:51
  The percentage of every dollar that gets donated goes to the... 89 cents of every dollar goes directly to programs. And so when I met you and I said, we need to look at our technology because we really need to come into the 21st century. I'll never forget when you walked in the door because you looked around our tiny office and you went...
• 14:08
  Okay, here's what we're going to do. And you were like a machine moving around. And I thought, is this real? You know, and it has revolutionized how we keep our records and access and, you know, everything from safety and security and tech support. So what national technology management has done has allowed us to do our jobs much easier, more efficiently and stay connected. So we owe you a debt of gratitude.
• 14:31
  Little did you know that that's, that was what was setting up this harder than life. I didn't know it either. It just, that's what I grew up so poor. And so I just, there's a least I can do. And we're going to do this times three. So we do so much. I love doing the, to me, that's the easy stuff.
• 14:50
  It's the donating the time when I bring the team over to lift food. That was so much fun moving all the food that you guys have. And, you know, and I always ask him, we're big guys and a bunch of IT guys. Let me know what you need if it's muscles and I'll bring the whole team over. And we have and it's a blast. Well, you always answer the phone. There are certain people that I know when I call, they answer the phone. And I love that because you always say, what do you need? What can I do?
• 15:17
  I want to help. And those are like the best sentences any nonprofit could ever hear. So thank you for always answering the call in so many ways.
• 15:24
  You know, that's the first time I think I'll ever, I've done a lot of therapy lately. It's the first time I ever received that. So I received that. I just, every time you thank me, I just don't even think about it, but I just thought about like all that we do and I'm proud. I'm proud and that's why I have you on here because we want to talk about. So complete the circle. How did you reach out to this lady? You get this arm for your daughter. How the heck do you come about running it? So...
• 15:48
  You know, by the time our daughter was two, I was invited to speak at the Variety Annual Meeting, which is held once a year with board of directors, past presidents, large donors, to share what that gift meant to our family. So I came and I was nervous to tell our story, and I shared. And I remember that as I finished sharing that story...
• 16:12
  Everybody just exuded a warmth and a genuine concern and a support. And when it was over, I said to my husband, I said, that is a room of very special people. I said, they have no idea what they've done. Because as the mother of a child, you're able to see every milestone. I saw the first opening of the fruit snacks. I saw the first tying of the shoes. I saw the very first raising of the bottle with two hands.
• 16:39
  And I wanted them to know what a life-changing difference it was. So I was just granted this incredible opportunity to share a story. And then I learned that it's this amazing group of people. And they do so much more than the MyElectric program. But that was just my entry. So I said, what can I do to help? And I said, what can I do to help?
• 16:56
  And, you know, I started doing simple things, selling advertisements for program books for fundraisers and working on certain charity fundraisers. Just I remember bringing my kids to the office and giving them Legos to play with, hoping they'd be quiet so I could help in some way. And then organically just evolved from there. And I joined staff in 2015 and was lucky enough to be mentored by an executive director, Jenny Cascio, who had been there for 25 years.
• 17:24
  And she poured all this knowledge and history and relationships and who and what into my head. And then in 2018, moved into the role as executive director. And I'm just very fortunate to be able to give another family what we received with the help of so many amazing people. I mean, I am just one little piece of a cog that is, you know, churning at full speed on.
• 17:48
  all the time. It takes an incredible amount of people to raise that kind of awareness, that enthusiasm. And we just are so lucky to have a gigantic, wonderful board of directors who volunteers boots on the ground, ideas, connections, and past presidents that stick around. I mean, we're very unique in that we hold on to people.
• 18:10
  And we hope they become part of that fabric for a very long time. And they do. They're wonderful. Their leadership is invaluable.
• 18:19
  Well, you're remarkable. Since I met you and started getting involved in helping you, we make sure that I'm at every party, and you're running around with your hair on fire, and it's always a fun event, and it's always first class. So any of these events I try to share on my social media, and I invite everybody to come. It is fantastic. I enjoy every one of them. I meet some amazing people. We love having you there. We love to throw a good fundraiser, you know, and all sorts of different kinds. There's something for everybody.
• 18:47
  One of these times I want to, I want to be the MC because you put a mic in my hand and I'm freaking, I'm going to say, I've actually got better. I know what to say, what not to say anymore. Is this what you were put on this earth to do?
• 18:58
  Me? I don't know. I think we all are placed in positions of opportunity. I think conflict and challenge breeds opportunity, and you just have to know to keep going. I mean, I could never have guessed I'd end up here. I thought I'd be in the classroom, but I'm working with kids in a completely different way. I mean, to hug a child...
• 19:22
  who you've been able to give the tiniest of gifts to, whether it's new pajamas or an opportunity to be in a fashion show or, you know, mobility, because you give them an adaptive bike, to have a child look at you and say, thanks, in that tiny little voice is all you need to know to know that you're where you're supposed to be. I just got to say what you just said, conflict and challenge. So tough times makes us tougher.
• 19:48
  It does. It breeds opportunity and you just have to keep moving. I love it. Growth. It's growth. So don't be afraid. You should embrace the tough times because that means we're learning and we're growing. I got to take a second to talk about Vinny from last year and what it did to me. So I got the absolute pleasure to be in the fashion show last year and the
• 20:14
  I can't tell you, I don't think I said this to anybody, but when you matched me with my kid, he was very agitated. And I whispered something in his ear that was between he and I. And then I started rocking him. And his mom looked at me and went, what did you just do? And he got real comfortable and we just bonded. And he couldn't speak, but I could feel him. You connected. And I want to tell you,
• 20:42
  that I had to look away because I wanted to cry and was overwhelmed with positive energy and gratitude. So here's this amazing young boy that was in a wheelchair that couldn't communicate. And I'm here at a,
• 20:59
  I don't know, some kind of a freaking custom-made suit, like an idiot, and thinking that I'm special, and my world just got this big, really, really tiny, and I realized that I'm just a speck, and there's so much more that I'm going to do and that we can all do, but...
• 21:16
  The time is just everything. I can donate all the money in the world, but it's time that I love doing. And that was overwhelming. And I cannot wait to do it again this year. And there's certain things that you guys do. I just go, just sign me up. Don't even ask. I don't care when it is. You're on the list. I will be there. And that is one of them. We're going to talk about it. It's...
• 21:36
  It's August 27th? Yes. And it's the fashion show, and it's in SummerSide. Why don't you just give us a plug for it right now? So the Shine Fashion Show is in its eighth year, and it features 25 children with special needs, a variety of disabilities and challenges, and they are paired with a community mentor, someone who is close to variety, has been...
• 21:58
  influential at variety, wants to learn more about variety, and we pair the mentor with the child. They have a fantastic morning. They go to Alex Emilio's salon. They get their hair done, makeup. They are fitted for their clothing by Somerset retailers, and they get to kind of choose
• 22:15
  their favorite store, what do they like. I mean, I think little Wesley loved dinosaurs at the time, so he got a dinosaur shirt. And the kids have some input as to what they like, and they have an outfit. They are gifted, those outfits, at the end of the show. And it's literally one hour of the most powerful moments that allow both the mentors and the children and their families to...
• 22:40
  This incredible gift. We've had parents say to us, you know, my child may not win a trophy or walk down the aisle for an award or whatever it may be. But at the Shine Fashion Show, they are the center of that moment. And it's so special.
• 22:58
  you're not even doing any justice. I want to tell you, I'm gonna look at the camera when I say this is that I have seen some epic things in my life. I've done some epic things. I've seen sunsets in faraway places. I've partied with celebrities. There was nothing that touched my soul. And I'm like tearing up thinking about it right now than doing that. And it was,
• 23:24
  It was overwhelming. And I don't get overwhelmed. If you would have had a heart monitor on me, I was, I just, and you know what I mean? I don't mind being in front of a stage. I was nervous. And I was just walking with,
• 23:37
  A young man pushing a wheelchair. Well, I'll give you one more nugget. When I talked to Vinny's mother this year, he's unable to be in the show. He's having some surgery. But she said he loved being in the show, and he wears his Mickey Mouse hoodie all the time. So, you know, what it means to the kids, the parents, it's just kind of...
• 23:58
  It's special. It's something unique. And the money that is raised that day goes to support the Variety 4-H Horseback Riding Program and also FAR Therapeutic Arts and Recreation and their Making Music Program. So we are helping to support therapeutic healing programs for kids with just that one hour of support. So we hope everybody joins us.
• 24:17
  Some of their personalities are so... Oh my gosh. It's just infectious. It is. It is. How many... I would imagine that Variety has... National, maybe even local. How many children have they assisted in?
• 24:31
  Well, typically, we serve approximately 20,000 children annually. Is that per tent? No, this is for Detroit, just Detroit specifically. Every variety tent is a little bit different. They're all rooted deeply in mobility. So the vast majority of varieties have a bike program, and we do too. We do both traditional bikes and adaptive bikes for kids with special needs all throughout the year. But our programs also include a program called Kids in Distress Situations, where the acronym is KIDS, K-I-D-S.
• 25:00
  And we have a partnership with an agency who literally sends us brand new product all year long. And it's, I might get a truckload of pajamas or books or backpacks or whatever it may be. And we partner with about 35 different not-for-profits and social service agencies in Metro Detroit. And when I know what's coming, we can call those agencies and say, I have this and I know you service this and we move that product through that.
• 25:26
  to get into the hands of children. I mean, we can talk about kids going to school and learning and all of this, but if you don't have clothes to go to school in, it becomes hard to focus on learning. So we try to get this product out quickly, bedding, shoes, clothing, winter coats. And annually, it's somewhere between $1.25 and $1.5 million worth of product.
• 25:46
  And it's brand new. This is not used. This is not defective product. This is brand new. So through that, we reach so many kids, which is really wonderful. Wow. It just triggered me because it reminds my upbringing. Did they talk to them all about it? So it's documented in my book, A Harder Than Life book, and I've talked about it on the podcast, about how my parents were very physically and emotionally abusive. Is there an outlet for you?
• 26:12
  for if there's someone that was in my situation to talk to, to let somebody know, I think it's a little bit more,
• 26:20
  aware that kids are gonna speak now when i was a kid you know we're talking 40 years ago that you know you i was afraid i was gonna get in trouble if i said right right so is there some part of the program that would you know you call it kids in distress in distress i mean i was pretty in distress but i wouldn't know who the hell to talk to right is there something like that i mean that's probably you know when i think of that um
• 26:42
  That idea that they could talk, I think that that is part of the goal of our mental health initiative is to let kids know if you're feeling uncomfortable, you can reach out. It's okay to express that you're uncomfortable. And with the Alliance of Coalition for Healthy Communities, when they administer these 30-minute sessions in the schools, at the end, they give the children a survey. And it's a very simple survey. It's, you know, a smiley face, a smiley face.
• 27:06
  straight face, a sad face. And those results are looked at by somebody. And so then you can tell whether you are also targeting any need, if your content is on point, and you can tweak it. So it's a very intentional, purposeful program to help provide that kind of comfort and support so that a child may then say, you know what, I think I should tell my teacher or my counselor or whoever it may be. Yeah.
• 27:31
  So how can the listeners support Variety further? What's besides the August 27th event? What if they just want to get involved more? Where do you where would we send them and what else can they do? Well, I think that at Variety, I always say if you want to help a child, we have a way. And if we don't, we know who does, because we have so many partnerships. But you can look at all of our programs on our website, which is variety-detroit.com. For some of our donors and our volunteers, certain programs just really ring true to them. They, you know, for example, if
• 28:01
  you have had a horseback background and you know about horses and you love children you may say I want to volunteer to help kids get on a horse and ride at the horseback riding program and that's a unique skill set you know so we need that we have volunteers who help work our special events and and they're the ones selling raffle tickets and checking people in and making it work smoothly I mean as you said with 89 cents of every dollar going to the kids we have a staff of only two
• 28:26
  So we need everybody. We need all those hands on deck. We've had you and your team out moving food, and those were heavy. So there's a need for all of that. And, of course, on top of all of it, we need help raising awareness, opening doors. You know, just a simple introduction. The way you and I met, Matt Friedman said, hey, I think you should meet. And look what's come of it. Just open a door and invite someone to learn more.
• 28:55
  And it's amazing how many, you know, pieces of the puzzle come together to create a beautiful picture. So if you're not already following their Instagram, it's Variety Detroit, at Variety Detroit. And then on Facebook, it's just Variety Detroit. So follow them. It's just a great charity, guys. I'm going to switch just for a little bit. And I want to talk about you for a little bit. And if we cross a line, just tell me to shut up and I'll go. But what difference did someone make in your life as a child?
• 29:25
  I don't know how I would differentiate all the different people that somehow influenced me in different ways. I mean, I...
• 29:36
  I had a really focused childhood because you may or may not know this, but I did martial arts. So honestly, my martial arts instructor probably had a lot to do with that kind of work ethic, work through it, keep moving. I don't care if you're tired, you know, like kind of mentality. Yeah.
• 29:55
  Um, that's the consistency and discipline that I do every single day. And it's important. You just have that one trait or qual, whatever it is, right. You'll win in this world. Right. Things that, um, go into making a, I don't know, a dedicated person. I, you know, great mentor. My parents are hardworking people. I grew up in Sterling Heights. You know, I've stayed local to Metro Detroit. Um, but I, my parents had a wonderful marriage and both worked hard and, uh, I knew young the value of hard work.
• 30:25
  You know, when you couple that with just the experiences you have as a kid in doing martial arts for years, knowing that that's the kind of focus something takes to get good at it.
• 30:37
  Do you still do it? No, no, not anymore. Things move a little differently. If the kid gets a little. Right. Well, I got some moves, but I save them for those moments. But, you know, I was lucky to have a lot of really great mentors in my life. And none of them really put pressure on me. I think I was an individual who put pressure on myself.
• 30:58
  So now I'm really intrigued. I learned something new. I'm going to probe a little bit more on you. I'm sorry. What are some of your non-negotiables? Having a martial arts background, discipline. What's some of your non-negotiables? Non-negotiables. I have a low tolerance for...
• 31:17
  rudeness or you know I I'm I'm a big fan of being kind and doing what you can to make a difference if you can do something little it adds up in ways you may never know you know and I think I knew that as a teacher I taught for several years in the classroom and you had to hope that some nugget you said to a child someday kept him out of trouble but you don't get the good fortune of knowing you know and I think that um
• 31:44
  I value that, the kindness. I mean, I appreciate if you're at the grocery store and the person across the aisle smiles as they walk by. Sometimes I think people look so depressed at the grocery store. I think just smile. Smile at a stranger. You might just give that person a moment where they realize they've been seen.
• 32:00
  you know, um, so my non-negotiables are just, just be kind, you know, don't, don't make it harder than it has to be. I wake up my daughter every morning. I say it's time to be awesome and kind every morning. Yeah. Kindness goes a long way and it's something that's very easy to do and doesn't cost you anything. You're so amazing. I, what do you want your legacy to be then? Oh,
• 32:23
  I just hope someday someone says, well, you made a difference. And it doesn't have to be an earth-shattering difference. I know because of the gift my daughter received that there are so many people that went into making that gift possible. So if you can do that for somebody, I think that that's the greatest gift.
• 32:42
  Really? I love it. So speaking of your daughter benefiting from variety, now that I know your structure, how do you structure your household? It's chaos. Controlled chaos? Controlled chaos, for sure.
• 33:00
  We live and die by the calendar. Everybody gets a dot. If it doesn't exist in that calendar, it's not in our world. Like, we have a family calendar, and we've trained everyone to use it. You know, we're like anybody. We're in the thick of things. The kids are running. We're driving everybody everywhere after school and, you know, hoping that they continue to just keep their heads on straight. Right.
• 33:21
  I just took a shot in the dark at this, that you were going to be structured after all those questions. Right? It's just. We are. I mean, we're structured, but it's controlled chaos. It's kind of, you know, like if you've been to our Christmas event at Variety, we do holiday adoption, and it looks chaotic and loud, and there's wrapping paper everywhere and bows and scissors and tape.
• 33:40
  But at the end of the day, there's hundreds and hundreds of wrapped presents for kids. And that's kind of how my household is. It might, it might look like there's a lot going on, but at the end of the day, people are getting to school, getting, getting it done, starting over and doing it again. And that's a shameless plug because I do that every year. We adopt a family and my daughter and I go every year and we wrap and we hang out and we talk to people. I brought more people last year. And that's, if you can do, if you choose one thing, do that.
• 34:05
  Because it is fun and it's the holiday time and it affects a family that you, when you get the list of what they ask for, you just can't help but like, what else can I get them? So true. Because people asking for the smallest of things, give me a coat. Right. Basics. You don't have the basics. Right, it's so true. And that program is the one program.
• 34:31
  that your children can get involved in at a very early age and learn from. And so many of our donors will bring their kids. I always say, please bring your kids. We have a balloon twister there. And we put all the kids on the centers of the tables because we have these gigantic wrapping tables courtesy of ProRug. Thank you, John. And that's how kids learn.
• 34:51
  You know, you can give and you can do, but if your kids don't see it, they don't magically do it when they're adults. So bringing, you know, your daughter's been there and she understands it. And we have this amazing toy table and the kids can go up to the toy table and say, well, I have an eight-year-old girl that I'm shopping for. And they can pick things for that child. And for many of them, that's a hard thing for them to do. They see it. They want it. And they go, no, I'm going to get it. Okay. And they learn.
• 35:15
  that to give makes somebody else happy. And in return, you can feel pretty happy about that. So we want kids there because kids, they need to see charity to do charity and to be that next generation that's going to say, what can I do to help? That's another nugget. You know, their kids follow us. So you're just full of...
• 35:36
  Good plans and structure. All we have to do is give my daughter treats. But we dig it a step further. We make it a whole thing. When we go shopping, so we do it all together. We don't separate. We go through. We get the baskets, and we go to Target, or we go to Myers, or we go to wherever we have to go. And we knock it out, and we do it in one day.
• 35:57
  And that's how it's supposed to be. We love that. We love that. Like the fact that the kids are out there doing it with you and learning about it and thinking about it and making thoughtful choices. And it's funny what kids will say, you know, you'll buy toys, but then they'll say, well, maybe we should get them pajamas and a blanket and coat and hat and kids will go overboard. I mean, you're going to tell them like, okay. One year, I think we got them.
• 36:17
  Us, we went and did extra, extra. You did big gifts. I remember. I remember. You know what? I grew up when I was those kids. I didn't know where the food was coming from. I didn't know. And it's just the least I can do. It's the least. And you nailed it right on the head.
• 36:34
  My daughter knows she's never going to experience what I did, but she's also going to pay it forward. So that's so important. And it's good for you to recognize that and to bring her along because it'll shape who she is and how she helps in the future. Your mouth to God's ears. So we're still talking about structure and I'm still down the rabbit hole of Michelle. Okay. So I just want to know what, since you're such a structured person and I want people to learn from you, what's the first thing you do in the morning?
• 37:02
  Coffee. Coffee. The pot is set to go off at 515 so that when I stumble out at 525, there is a cup ready because I don't even want to press the button and wait for the cup. You're an early riser. Yeah. We're moving. Everybody's up and at them by 530. My son's a little later, 6. Wow. But high school starts early. The kids are- My daughter's in eighth grade. She'll be in ninth grade next year, but I think it doesn't start that early around us. It's eight o'clock. Ooh.
• 37:30
  That's really nice. Oh, she sleeps every last minute. She needs every ounce of beauty sleep. She thinks she's fooling me. She has her phone, and she's on her phone. And I used to take it away from her, and I just said, listen, you're now getting to the age where you have... I'm not a hover parent. You're now at the age where you have to...
• 37:46
  suffer the consequences both good and bad of your choices so if you're going to be tired it's your problem and it's so funny because she goes that on the weekends that we have to come and do the charity with you i have to pick her up from her mom's and and i say now do we have responsibilities don't get exhausted and sometimes she's exhausted and we have a deal now i buy everything i bring everything i do and she wraps up
• 38:12
  That's good. That's a pretty good gig. I'm a terrible rapper. The rapping is a tough job. So coffee it is. You live off of coffee. That's what I do. Define success for me. Success is knowing you've done what you can and accepting that good or bad, that's what you could do.
• 38:31
  The best you can do is the best you can do. Sometimes you're going to nail it and sometimes you're not. But if you were thoughtful and you tried and you learned from it, I mean, my daughter plays tennis and I say you win or you learn. So what did you learn if you didn't win? You know, so you win either way. You know, as long as you think about it and you put some effort into it and you learn from it, then it was successful.
• 38:56
  I am so lucky to be in this situation to be able to interview people like you. It is. Oh, I don't know. You are so much depth to you. And I knew it. I just, I wanted it to be about variety, but you're amazing. Well, I've had a lot of people around me that have, you know, shared all this with me.
• 39:13
  So I had another question because I've, you know, we've interacted a lot. I've never, ever seen you down and I know you are. I know it happens. We're human. So when you are down, what do you think of that makes you smile? That's a good question. When I'm down, I'm usually frustrated. Like if I'm down about something, I'm frustrated about something. And frustration usually...
• 39:38
  spurs me toward wanting to fix it in some way so if i can't fix it i clean like i find cleaning yeah like you'll know if i just start at the top of the house and work my way down oh okay something's going on you know there's yeah i want to be productive and in my thoughts about and then i let it go because it's at the end of the day you can't you can't fix everything you can just fix what you can and keep moving
• 40:02
  Where have you been all my life? I don't know. Mine, I took the toxic behaviors. It's like, let's drink. It's good to hear that you do constructive. And cleaning isn't a bad thing. And then letting those thoughts go is paramount. You're going to have thoughts. There's nothing you can do about it. It's naming them.
• 40:21
  Saying, hey, there you are. Right. And letting it go. Right. Because you can ruminate forever and it just eats you. Oh, I'm the master ruminator. Yeah. I can ruin it all the whole day doing it. I can do. You know, but. I just go to the gym, man. I go to the gym and I forget about it. It's like, you know, if weights are. Yeah. Or I'm going to die. Yeah. Expend some energy.
• 40:39
  Love it. I love variety. I love being with the people that I've met there are just fantastic. And the last event, I went solo. And I walked around and I think I met every single person. You were everywhere. Everywhere I looked, Kelly was in a different corner talking to a different group. I wanted to meet, because I knew...
• 40:56
  I just wanted to meet everybody. I just, I don't know what it was. I said, I'm going in to this event and I'm a little tired, but I want to meet everybody. And I shook everybody's hand and talked to everybody. And then when I did try to go take a break, people would come over to me. I was like, okay. I've always said that there is such magic when you get a room full of variety supporters together. And of course the mission is magical and important. There's a magic energy there.
• 41:22
  in our event rooms. And when you get them together, just they bounce off each other and they say, well, hey, why don't we try this? And all of a sudden, you know, a new program is born because people are motivated together. I think, you know, the pandemic was difficult on everybody and we had to re-envision how we did things, especially those first two years particularly. But when we would bring them together as we could, if it was outdoors or as we started to come together more, it felt so good.
• 41:49
  to be back together because it is a group of very dedicated people for so many of our supporters. We may be their charity of choice and they, they just continue to say yes. You know, I, I always tell them thank you for saying yes. You're my charity of choice and I enjoy it and you make it, uh, you know,
• 42:07
  Very enjoyable, and I love being a part of it. And honestly, I keep telling you, give me more things to do. I want to do more. Careful, careful. No, no, no. You know what? When we write the check at the end of the year from the Heart of Life, I'm going to be the proudest I've ever been, and I'm really, really honored to do it. And I'm looking forward to meet more people, and I enjoy it. Well, we love having you. I mean, you don't know what...
• 42:35
  is going to come of that. But I can tell you, like a fund, for example, that buys an adaptive bike, that child's going to ride a bike for five to eight years who never could ride a bike before that. And the adventures they're going to have with their siblings. Like there are thousands of moments that happen because somebody decides to get involved and contribute something. And it doesn't have to be, you know...
• 42:55
  Tons of money. Every dollar makes a difference. I mean, we always like to say that we're small enough to listen, but big enough to make a difference. And we have people that might give $10 in the year and we have others that can give thousands and all of it matters. So what you've done, it matters a great deal across so many lives.
• 43:12
  Well, all too often we take our health for granted. And being there reminds me that we're all mortal. And I might be in great shape, but you never know. And it just feels good. I'm a servant leader. I just, I want to give more than I receive.
• 43:29
  I'm still struggling to receive anything. I struggle every time you say something nice. I still do struggle. I grew up so poor. I just, I never, nobody ever gave a shit about how I was feeling or what was going on. So it just feels right, but it does feel awkward. And when you talk about things feeling uncomfortable, there's a lot of times I'm uncomfortable, but I'm leaning right into it. So I really practice what I preach. And that was about as vulnerable as I can get. I bet you'd never know that. Right.
• 43:56
  I mean, you come off so confident, but I think that's true for everybody. We all have insecurities. We're all uncomfortable at times. And I recently saw something on social media that I thought was just brilliant, and it was a teacher. It was a meme or whatnot, but a teacher had put all these balloons in the hallway of a school, and each child's name was on one balloon. And they said to the kids, go outside, and you have five minutes to find your own balloon. And after five minutes, there were balloons everywhere. Kids couldn't find their balloon. So the teacher said, all right, hold on. New strategy.
• 44:26
  find a balloon with a child's name on it and get that balloon to that child. And within five minutes, everybody had a balloon. They had their own balloon. And I thought that's really like what charity feels like. If you can do something and give something to someone else, whether it be big or small, whatever that gift is, it gifts everybody collectively. Like we all win when we take a little time to do something for somebody else.
• 44:53
  I'm going to sound like a broken record. I like that. I take it a step further. United we stand, divided we fall. So they were divided, being selfish and looking for their own balloon. But we were united to find it. Right. It's just literally.
• 45:08
  I've said it a million times. It's the left wing and the right wing. We require both sides to fly the plane. Right. So why would we want the other person to fail? It just makes no sense to me. We're getting up against it. I got a couple more questions. One more personal question. I just want to know, what is your biggest fear? My biggest fear? Mm-hmm. Oh. I think that my biggest fear would be...
• 45:33
  to see my kids unhappy, like, like unhappy struggle, struggle. You know, I, I, I would want my family to be okay. That's my biggest fear. Just make sure they're okay. You know?
• 45:45
  Now that spurred a new question. Do you let them struggle a little bit? I tend to jump in so fast on my daughter, I forget to let her struggle sometimes. This I learned at Michigan State in my education classes. Let them struggle a little. Let them struggle to find the right words, to talk to their own teacher. It's so tempting to say, well, just write this and say this and I'll take care of it for you.
• 46:12
  Let them be uncomfortable. It's like when I was teaching, you'd ask a question and nobody would say anything. So you would feel compelled to fill the gap as the teacher. But the silence and that uncomfortable moment is where they really start thinking, and finally someone speaks. And I think with kids, it's the same way. I want them to problem solve. I'll give them guidance, and I'll tell them, well, you better think about this. Yeah.
• 46:38
  But I want you to write that message. I want you to have that conversation. You know, I want you to problem solve because I won't be there to do it all the time. You know, same thing that we just put out all the patio furniture this weekend and my daughter was helping me and she's like, Ari, I'm not always going to be around to help you. I don't, I'm going to say this is society. It's not just children that are soft. It is a lot of society right now. The given the slightest factor
• 47:05
  Touch of adversity. They just give up. Right. It's okay to be uncomfortable. Like, you know, be comfortable getting uncomfortable. Like, it's okay to be uncomfortable and to struggle. You just keep moving. I take it a step further, man. I don't even start until things get difficult. Yeah.
• 47:22
  That's when I'm like, okay, I'm the wolf. Call the wolf in and let's get it fixed. You've seen me at work. Impossible only describes a degree of difficulty. And I just, that's when I get going. Is there something I haven't asked you today that you feel compelled to share? Well, you know, just how I think...
• 47:43
  When you have those feelings of anxiety or you're down or you don't know what to do, I have learned that in the nonprofit world, there's just a great deal to dive into that makes you feel better. When the pandemic happened and we were immediately at home, the phone was ringing off the hook with families calling and saying, the therapy center closed, the school closed, and
• 48:07
  Uh, the, my child with special needs can't ride a bike and the only safe place for them to go is outside right now. Like we're in this pandemic, right? And they see their siblings riding and they're stuck in the house. How do I get an adaptive bike? We did so many adaptive bikes in that first 12 months for kids because they didn't have access suddenly. I had no voice at the end of every day because I was on the phone all day, every day with people needing things, sudden needs. Uh,
• 48:35
  And I realized that in the scariness of what was going on, and we didn't know much at the time, and it was just a very uncertain time for all of us, that grounded me. To be able to do something good made me feel a little less scared about what was going on in the world. And, you know, the world can be a scary place. So I think if people are uncomfortable, they're struggling, do something good for someone else, and you just instinctively feel better.
• 48:56
  Well said. I will tell you there's three things. They'll tell you in personal development, if you're feeling sad, express gratitude, be present. And the third one that's never talked about is do something for somebody else. When you're doing that, it is physically impossible to feel sad. I know. It's true. Literally, that's why I love coming to the events. That's why I love giving back. And again, I ask you, challenge me more.
• 49:23
  You're remarkable. Variety Detroit, everything will be in the show notes. Get involved. Don't forget about August 27th, the fashion show. This should air right before then. Go to the website, variety-detroit.com. And I want to remind everybody that, as she so elegantly said, each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with.
• 49:48
  Delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit trustntm.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life. Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life. And let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.