Latest / The Daily Sarcast / May 7th, 2026: Ted Turner, FIFA's Crazy Pricing And 5 Signs Your Type B Like Me

Transcript

May 7th, 2026: Ted Turner, FIFA's Crazy Pricing And 5 Signs Your Type B Like Me · The Daily Sarcast

• 0:00
  Today's episode is brought to you by having your whole life being driven by
• 0:03
  ChatGBT, from what you eat to how you text.
• 0:07
  The Pope is my white whale. I wrote him. I said, Your Holiness,
• 0:11
  I hope this letter finds you well, or at the very least, infallible.
• 0:14
  Would you please come on my show? We don't have to talk about politics.
• 0:18
  Stephen Colbert on who he really wants to be a guest on his show before he leaves.
• 0:23
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
• 0:27
  maybe a laugh. I'm Lindsay Wernick, and today is May 7th, 2026.
• 0:32
  I hope you guys have been liking all of my special guest hosts recently.
• 0:37
  Rai and Naveen, who were both hosted recently, Naveen hosted yesterday,
• 0:43
  they are both hysterical comedians, improvists,
• 0:47
  I don't know if that's the word, but I'm improv with the two of them,
• 0:51
  and they're both so funny, and I am so grateful that they were willing to come
• 0:56
  on the podcast and take over for me, I have some more exciting.
• 1:01
  Guest hosts coming up in the future. And honestly, I'm willing to open up the floor to more people.
• 1:08
  So if you think that you have what it takes to host a Daily Sarcast episode,
• 1:13
  please let me know, send me a text, or email me.
• 1:17
  In real news, Ted Turner, the creator of CNN, has died at 87 years old.
• 1:23
  This was the man who looked at television news and thought,
• 1:26
  what if we had anxiety, but scheduled every
• 1:30
  second of the day he spent his life buying things
• 1:33
  building things and occasionally nearly bankrupting himself
• 1:36
  just to see if he could recover in real time he built sports teams film libraries
• 1:41
  cartoons news networks at a certain point it stopped feeling like business and
• 1:46
  started feeling like he was collecting industries like they were pokemon he
• 1:50
  also had the vibe of someone who would absolutely apologize for a headline while
• 1:54
  actively launching another one.
• 1:55
  And just when you think it's all chaos, he later becomes a massive environmental
• 2:00
  philanthropist donating land and money like, my bad for inventing the 24-hour
• 2:05
  doom scroll, here's some land.
• 2:07
  So yes, the man who helped create modern media over simulation eventually tried
• 2:12
  to offset it with nature conservation.
• 2:14
  It's a full circle arc of capitalism, cable TV, and emotional whiplash.
• 2:19
  So in short, he didn't just change TV, he changed your ability to relax without
• 2:24
  checking your cell phone every five seconds.
• 2:26
  The Justice Department is now suing Colorado over its gun laws because the new
• 2:31
  administration has decided the best way to resolve America's long-standing disagreement
• 2:35
  about firearms is to add even more lawsuits to the pile.
• 2:39
  Their solution to fixing a mess is always just to create an even bigger one.
• 2:43
  This one targets Colorado's ban on high-capacity magazines, which was passed
• 2:48
  after the 2012 Aurora Theater shooting.
• 2:51
  The federal argument is that the law violates the Second Amendment because there's
• 2:55
  nothing like constitutional clarity, like litigating how many bullets are socially
• 3:00
  acceptable before reloading becomes a hobby.
• 3:03
  Colorado, shockingly, is not thrilled. State officials called it an overreach,
• 3:08
  which, as governments speak for, please stop suing us every time we try to pass a law.
• 3:14
  FIFA has introduced dynamic pricing for World Cup tickets this year,
• 3:18
  which is a fun way of saying we have successfully monetized on human emotion.
• 3:24
  Argentine fans, who normally treat the World Cup like a sacred church sermon,
• 3:28
  are now staring down ticket prices so high you'd think Lionel Messi was doing
• 3:32
  a soccer game just for you alone.
• 3:35
  Fans are actually taking out loans, selling their cars, quitting their jobs,
• 3:41
  and sleeping 10 to a room like they're training for some kind of financial survivor
• 3:45
  reality show called Extreme Fandom Bankruptcy Edition.
• 3:49
  One guy is literally flying through three countries just to get to a match.
• 3:54
  And FIFA's response to all of this is like, yeah, it's expensive,
• 3:58
  but think of the growth of the sport.
• 4:01
  Right, because nothing says growing the game like pricing out the people who
• 4:05
  scream, cry, and go bankrupt for it.
• 4:08
  So if the stadium atmosphere feels a little lighter this year,
• 4:11
  don't worry. It's not for a lack of passion.
• 4:13
  It's just that passion got surge price out of existence.
• 4:18
  In Lindsay life, yesterday I ate lunch in a photo booth in the middle of a hotel lobby.
• 4:25
  Basically, I was working there with my coworkers in this, like, lobby down in Midtown.
• 4:30
  And I got in trouble for bringing in food because
• 4:33
  I didn't order at their little restaurant but I
• 4:36
  was like in the middle of eating and I didn't really throw it out
• 4:39
  or have to like go somewhere else to eat so I
• 4:41
  was like okay where somewhere I can hide and finish my lunch so I saw the photo
• 4:46
  booth in the middle of the lobby so I walk in there I sit down I close the curtain
• 4:51
  I eat my lunch in the dark I actually had to turn the flashlight on my phone
• 4:55
  and then I get up I open the curtain, I look around,
• 4:59
  literally no one seemed to notice. I just like went on with my day.
• 5:04
  Five signs you couldn't be more type B like me.
• 5:07
  You leave a pile of trash and or random things wherever you go.
• 5:12
  Making your bed in the morning is genuinely the hardest thing you have to do all day.
• 5:17
  You're constantly hitting the fine phone noise on your Apple watch like it's a reflex.
• 5:23
  You reach into your purse and your hand comes out a little bit chocolatey.
• 5:26
  No questions asked there.
• 5:28
  Your phone looks like it's been run over several times by a truck and is always
• 5:33
  somehow on 3% no matter how much you charge it.
• 5:37
  Cooking tip of the day. Don't put a lot of oil in your pan and turn it on high
• 5:42
  because you will get oil all over the pan and yourself.
• 5:46
  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
• 5:49
  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com. Thank you so much for listening and have a great day.