Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Gentleman Eunuch: Why You Attract Women Who Don't Like Sex

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The Gentleman Eunuch: Why You Attract Women Who Don't Like Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about A New
• 0:11
  Concept that I flatteringly called the gentleman eunuch and
• 0:16
  what that means about how men act and how it goes against what
• 0:20
  they really want and all sorts of stuff.
• 0:23
  Before we get into that, please do click on subscribe, so that
• 0:26
  you can access. I think now, 81 episodes most
• 0:29
  recently about your wife and the kids and her full potential of
• 0:33
  giving you love can be assessed by seeing how, she loves the
• 0:36
  children. So moving on, I recently did a
• 0:40
  post about this and it's anyone's guess.
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  What's going to come out first that?
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  Or this? Because everything scheduled out
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  in advance and I'm not a math wizard, but but the gentleman
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  unique is the idea what other people call the nice guy.
• 0:54
  I don't like calling men, a nice guy in a pejorative way because
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  as I've discussed in previous podcasts and posts and
• 1:01
  everywhere, women like nice, guys, when they're actually
• 1:03
  nice, when Not just faking nice so that they can get a woman
• 1:09
  because that's not nice anymore. So see the actual nice guy is
• 1:12
  nice. He's a kind of a cool person.
• 1:14
  He has traits of agreeableness agreeableness is a Big, Five
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  personality trait and a concordance with self-reports of
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  happier marriages because people that can roll with shit and
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  aren't like always nitpicking and demanding and critical are
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  happier people and they're easier to get along with.
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  So agreeableness doesn't mean being a wimp or a pushover.
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  It's just a A guy who is Pleasant, you know, like like
• 1:38
  friends that you like like they're Pleasant.
• 1:40
  So the nice guys, actually a good thing but the gentleman
• 1:43
  eunuch is a guy who masquerades as having no sexuality because
• 1:47
  he was trained in childhood that women hate sexuality.
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  So usually these guys in addition to having preoccupied
• 1:54
  attachment, which you have multiple podcasts that you can
• 1:57
  reference on mine with preoccupied attachment in
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  addition to that they also were usually raised in a very sex -
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  climate Either a super religious climate or by a mother who hates
• 2:08
  men and frequently as a good reason.
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  So, like a mother who's had a sexual abuse history, you know,
• 2:14
  or who herself is in an abusive marriage, women like that, if
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  they've ever had sex used as a weapon against them and they
• 2:21
  have a son, their primary job understandably, from their
• 2:24
  perspective, would be training their son, not to be a sexual
• 2:27
  predator, but they often go too far in this direction.
• 2:31
  And instead, shame, a man, or a boy when she is with.
• 2:35
  Him for healthy, developing sexuality and basically saying
• 2:39
  never treat a woman like a whore and never just use a woman for
• 2:43
  her body and always be nice, and don't be all about sex.
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  Don't be an animal. Don't be, you know, like
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  basically a predator and since boys are not they don't come out
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  of the womb being a predator. This is especially if it's a
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  sensitive boy. He's going to take this way to
• 2:59
  heart and start assuming that no woman likes any evidence of
• 3:03
  sexuality at all and if He wants to be with a woman and most men.
• 3:09
  Do, you know, most straight men want to be with the woman then
• 3:12
  he's going to have to hide any evidence of his sexuality.
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  So that's where the gentleman eunuch idea comes in.
• 3:18
  So, right from the beginning of dating app Messaging, which is
• 3:23
  mostly where people meet people nowadays, or in the first
• 3:26
  exchanges, the guy, the gentleman unit guy.
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  He just doesn't, he never talks about sex.
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  He doesn't talk about sex. He doesn't talk about her body.
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  He doesn't want to go. Even get close enough to talking
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  about her body. That he would even say that
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  she's attractive. And if he does, he would say
• 3:40
  something like, oh, I love your blue eyes, but but like not even
• 3:46
  probably that would even feel a little bit predatory to him and
• 3:49
  a little bit. Like he could be perceived as a
• 3:51
  creep or something bad. And then when the guy gets to
• 3:55
  the into the date in person, he also makes sure that he doesn't
• 4:00
  touch her at all. That he keeps everything really
• 4:03
  in the realm of friends, and it's not Friends though, as I
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  talked about in my post, it's like Joe from you.
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  It's like a guy who like figures everything out about you.
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  From any clues in a dating profile?
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  There's loads of clues or from whatever you're wearing or you
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  talk about or whoever he knows you through like figures out.
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  Everything about the woman asks only about that stuff makes
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  himself super appealing. He thinks because he's going to
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  be like everything that she wants you know like if she likes
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  Sports he likes Sports if She Likes music, he likes music on
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  the same kind of music and if sometimes like he may like, you
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  know, be a little bit clever or contradictory on certain things
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  and say that he doesn't like some one thing that she likes or
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  something. But generally, He makes himself
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  seemed like the super best catch in the world and even better, he
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  doesn't mention sex ever. So, in his mind, she can put him
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  in the bucket of these like douchebag, bro, guys, who are,
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  like, creepy and only want sex. And what he in fact is doing.
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  I mean, and the irony is, of course, those guys who he uses
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  that as a monolithic doesn't exist.
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  But in his mind, he's like, he's working at counter to like
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  these, like asshole. Guys that only want sex but he
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  wants sex as much as them. So usually these guys
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  compartmentalize and their sex life is a loan using porn.
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  And then with women, they are just this complete chivalrous
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  gentleman that never pushes. Never even talks about sex
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  rarely talk. Talks about their body, nothing.
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  Weights as long as they want stays forever.
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  So you know without having sex. So who is going to be attracted
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  to these guys and marry them, two kinds of women either, women
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  that don't like sex at all. We're going to be very happy and
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  relieved to finally met somebody that doesn't want sex.
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  Good, great and or women who have trauma history and are very
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  scared of sex and have a lot of trust issues.
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  They are also happy to get this off the plate and not have to
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  worry about Out a man pushing for sex in any way by Evan any
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  evidence of sexuality at all or a woman who's not that into you
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  and really frequently not that into anybody.
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  So an avoidant attachment woman and you can refer back to the
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  avoidant wives podcast. Somebody who doesn't really want
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  very much intimacy at all, not sexual not emotional nothing and
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  but you are a nice guy and so you're selling yourself or
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  quote, nice guy. That's how you come off.
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  So, the gentleman gentleman eunuch is selling himself as
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  somebody who would be ideal to mate with And raise a family
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  with if that was your only priority.
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  So the woman is like, well she doesn't articulate this because
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  it's below the level of conscious thought, but I don't
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  personally get a lot out of close relationships in the
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  woman's mind. She's saying, but I do want to
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  raise a family and it seems like that's what this guy wants to,
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  you know, he's not even pressuring me for sex, he barely
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  seems sexual. So this is this, finally I meet
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  a guy on the same page as me, right?
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  And we can have like a very kind of profitable Union, you know?
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  In terms of being on the same page and he's real smart, he
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  likes my jokes, I like his jokes, he we have the same
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  Hobbies, you know, because he created those or maybe you just
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  happen to and so this is going to work out.
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  Good thing. Neither of us is into any of
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  that mushy gushy, sexy, stuff of romance sex.
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  Anything? Of course, the gentleman unique
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  is has this fantasy that after the wedding or later in life,
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  when he gains his confidence, he starts to develop the fantasy
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  that at some juncture. The, the couple will come
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  together sexually and the woman will now that he's proven
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  himself for so many years to not be in it for sex.
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  Now she's going to reward him with sex, but the woman that
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  wants to have sexism, couldn't wait that long to have sex.
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  She's going to want to have sex right away.
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  But you are basically editing out finding those women, if you
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  do not come forward in the beginning with a sexual Persona.
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  So then some guys who are like this will be listening to this
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  and be like, but you can't just say you like a woman's body.
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  You can't just say Like you look hot in your pictures because
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  that's like what a creep would say and she's just going to
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  block me and think I'm gross. That is not true.
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  I mean it's just really not true.
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  I've been on dating apps like if you are trying to look good in
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  your dating at and you're a person who enjoys sex and is not
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  scared of physicality. You're putting out your best
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  pictures. You want somebody to say you
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  look hot you look beautiful. You look amazing in that dress
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  in that picture you know and on a first date you would also be
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  Wanting somebody to say, wow, you look great even better than
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  your pictures, you know? Like the I didn't think that was
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  possible, you look even better and if you think that sounds
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  like smarmy and crazy and whatever only say it, of course,
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  if you mean it, but plenty of guys, the tragedy is, they'll be
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  totally Swept Away by a woman's looks and be so attracted to
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  her, but they are trained from their upbringing, not to do
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  anything, not to say anything. Of course, there's a
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  sociological component to this as well.
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  The me to movement, Etc. Made Every man more trepidatious
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  about expressing, any sort of sexual feeling at all.
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  But the the victims of that scenario are the men who were
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  barely able to express it in the first place.
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  So the men who are like, you know, true sociopaths and like,
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  you know, go through women sleeping with them, not giving a
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  shit, you know, being complete, you know, assholes, those men
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  are cut down to size by today's Zeitgeist.
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  That's great. But then the guys who could
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  barely get out of compliment and at their, you know, most
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  courageous moment, those guys. And I were like totally mute and
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  if they were raised by a parent who is very anti-sex, and they
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  saw no sex at home or evidence there of not that you're
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  supposed to see your parents have sex, but romantic intimate
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  relationship that you get little glimpses of that assures.
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  You that adult sexuality is normal and healthy if you didn't
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  see that and you were explicitly told not to act like a predator
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  or implicitly told then those guys in this in today's
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  sociological, you know, Mill, you are absolutely me.
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  And never say anything about a body.
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  Never say anything even about. Barely about a girl being pretty
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  and have just completely desexualized themselves, which
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  is why I say eunuch, right? And of course, some of these
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  gentlemen, units are actually like super sexual beings.
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  And their, their greatest fantasy is to be with a woman
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  who accepts them sexually and has an adventurous and loving
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  open sex life with them. But they can't get there because
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  they're editing those women out, those women don't want to get
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  like A message on a dating app that's only about their hobbies.
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  That shit is boring. Like if you know, like, and you
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  know what I mean? If you're the one who does this,
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  like, were you comb through the woman's profile?
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  Oh okay, so she liked, you know, the soprano.
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  So I'm going to have a surprise knows joke and now I'm going to,
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  you know what, just for the hell of it.
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  I'm going to go back and watch The Sopranos again, so that I
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  can have something else pithy to say about The Sopranos.
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  Meanwhile, like, you were like stunned by how beautiful she is
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  in the pictures, and you never mention it because you don't
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  want to be that guy. Meanwhile, wouldn't she be
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  attracted to that guy if she's into The Sopranos?
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  But I digress. But so my point is that if
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  you're terrified to say anything or do anything, so like if
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  you're saying okay I'm not going to ask take.
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  Yeah, I'm not gonna try to kiss a girl on the first date because
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  I don't want her to think I'm an asshole.
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  I don't want her to think, I'm just in it for sex.
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  So then that goes to, I'm never going to ask her to come back to
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  my place. I'm never going to touch her on
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  the leg or on the put my arm around her.
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  Her. I'm never going to do anything.
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  Basically, what you're saying is I am making myself only
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  attractive and appealing to women who don't like sex because
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  I am completely unifying myself. If that's a word and the women,
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  that would be more into sex would be, like, why didn't that
• 11:51
  guy even kiss me? Like he must just not really be
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  into me or into like hooking up at all, you know, and that and
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  those women would become uninterested or just become
• 12:02
  friends. So you're kind of friends owning
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  your Self, because you're not making it a real flirtatious
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  atmosphere. Instead, it's just this kind of
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  like cerebrally flirtatious atmosphere in which you act,
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  very clever, or funny or something, but not like, it's
• 12:19
  actual entity. And then, of course, as I've
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  said, the only women that remain are women who are very relieved.
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  That this is the case that at to be with a guy who doesn't seem
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  to like sex. So then you're selling yourself
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  as guy who doesn't like sex sex and later on some of these men
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  who have no introspective capacity because they've not
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  gone into therapy yet or maybe never will.
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  We're not really thought about things.
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  They say that the woman bait and switch them because they had sex
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  like, you know, a few like times and this tepid way during the
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  courtship and then a totally dropped off after marriage and
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  kids, right? But the reality is, the man
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  himself did not seem to prize sex very much never really
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  discussed. Did as a variable that was
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  important to him didn't try to expand their the boundaries of
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  their sex life in any way or be some sort of engine toward a
• 13:14
  more adventurous sex life. So really yeah.
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  In the beginning, her hormones were raging and so you know it
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  was fine to do it a couple times, you know, or whatever,
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  once a week. But then like, when the
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  honeymoon stage went away, she thought that.
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  Okay. Now we're at what we kind of
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  both signed up for which is this kind of desexualized Union,
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  where we are a little daycare baby.
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  Basically of raising kids and business, of course, you know,
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  collaborating on financial matters and what not?
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  So it isn't just though in that case the woman did not do a bait
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  and switch the man did a bait-and-switch by presenting
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  the gentleman eunuch. And then later on saying here I
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  am some guy who wants to have sex, did you know that I've
• 13:53
  always had this interest in BDSM or whatever and she's like, what
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  like through our whole courtship?
• 13:59
  You barely told me, I was hot like what, you know, and, and
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  it's a point. It's really a point and it's a
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  point that, you know, to their credit many men who go back
• 14:10
  through the history of their relationship can recognize.
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  You know, they could be like, wow, I really did not lead with
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  my sexuality. I was trained not to and you
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  know, what is kind of? No wonder that I ended up with
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  somebody who doesn't like sex because I could have told early
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  on, I just didn't have the confidence.
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  I didn't have the self-esteem to think that I could present as a
• 14:33
  sexual entity and still Get the girl.
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  I felt that the only way to get like a high quality woman or to
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  even get any woman at all. Was to present as somebody who
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  would be no bother. And I was trained at home to
• 14:45
  think that sex bothers woman. So I didn't want to be a bother.
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  I didn't want to push, I didn't want to do anything outside her
• 14:51
  comfort zone. So look II really made my bed
• 14:54
  and it doesn't mean like you have to now lie in it forever at
• 14:58
  all but no matter what you want to do with your relationship, as
• 15:01
  I frequently say, it's so integral to developing.
• 15:05
  Empathy and understanding. It's integral to go back and do
• 15:10
  kind of a post-mortem of the story of how you met and think
• 15:14
  about how you really sold yourself.
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  Not just how they sold their themselves is so intellectually.
• 15:19
  Lazy related to blame everything on the partner and not to say
• 15:22
  how was I presenting myself early on that was not concordant
• 15:26
  with how I feel now? And it may not have been your
• 15:28
  fault. You may have really been a guy
• 15:30
  with such low self-esteem that thought that if I can get
• 15:33
  married at all, especially to this Active woman.
• 15:35
  I don't give a shit about how much sex we have, honestly, I
• 15:38
  don't care. I'll be happy for what I get.
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  And then, in your 40s, you have more confidence, you know,
• 15:43
  you've done better in your career, you've done more
• 15:45
  reading, more introspection and you're like, I only get one
• 15:48
  life. I don't want to live it with
• 15:49
  somebody who doesn't want to touch me, but that means that
• 15:52
  you've changed. It's not just, it's not them,
• 15:54
  really? It's really sometimes not even
• 15:56
  them at all, but it's certainly not only them, that's the
• 15:59
  problem. So if this is the situation.
• 16:02
  So if this resonates with you it's something to in Spect about
• 16:05
  to talk with your therapist about if you have one you know
• 16:08
  and it's it's a different frame to think.
• 16:14
  Was I so scared of mentioning sects of kissing a woman of
• 16:18
  saying come back to my place like some guys they're like is
• 16:22
  so into being this like gentlemen that they'll stop
• 16:25
  kissing a girl. You know she'll be kissing them
• 16:28
  making out with them and they'll stop and be like because in
• 16:32
  their mind is some kind of movie things.
• 16:35
  Sort of cinematic moment where they're proven to be the prince,
• 16:38
  you know, the real true nice guy and they'll say, oh I I think we
• 16:42
  should wait or something, you know, like oh, we shouldn't do
• 16:46
  this. Yeah, that this isn't the only
• 16:47
  reason I like you. Well man, she didn't think it
• 16:49
  was till you said it. So there's plenty of men that
• 16:52
  actually like sabotage their chances with more sexual women
• 16:57
  because they do things like that.
• 16:59
  Because if you're a woman with a high sex drive and you're
• 17:02
  feeling good and you went on a date with a guy near me.
• 17:05
  Get out and you're like, over, you know, you're not like, you
• 17:08
  know, 17 years old and you're like, you know, a woman who's
• 17:11
  been out in the world and you're making out with some guy and he
• 17:15
  doesn't try to escalate it. You're going to think why?
• 17:19
  Like, why didn't he try to do that?
• 17:21
  Oh, I know why. He just must not be that into
• 17:25
  sex and then the tragedy, you know, the Shakespearean tragedy
• 17:30
  of this is the dude is so into sex, but he's just thinking that
• 17:34
  he's He's never going to get to have sex with you ever, unless
• 17:37
  he acts in this like nice guy Trope, this gentleman eunuch
• 17:41
  now, but then the only women who are going to stay around and be
• 17:44
  interested are self-selected the women with low sex drive.
• 17:48
  So you see how this truly manifest into this sabotage of
• 17:55
  your deep core sexual self, you're being disingenuous by
• 17:59
  putting on the cloak of this nice gentleman unit guy.
• 18:05
  And in reality, you are being disingenuous and you are selling
• 18:09
  your sexual self up River and you're throwing it under the bus
• 18:13
  and whatever. Other cliche I can say, you're
• 18:15
  just not being like, you're not being kind to yourself because
• 18:19
  you're getting rid of the possibility of being with the
• 18:22
  type of woman that is compatible with you.
• 18:25
  And instead you are acting as though you're something you're
• 18:28
  not so then you're going to get somebody that is a compatible
• 18:30
  with you. They're only compatible with the
• 18:31
  Persona and then you're setting yourself up to be miserable.
• 18:35
  Bellator. So if you are single and you
• 18:37
  find yourself so post-divorce or whatever, you find yourself,
• 18:41
  adopting this Persona, get rid of it immediately, unless you
• 18:45
  really are done with sex, and you don't like sex and then, I
• 18:47
  don't really know why you'd be listening to this podcast.
• 18:49
  But if you're a guy who likes eggs, yes, you should lead with
• 18:52
  that right away. Yes, you should right away be
• 18:55
  like, you're so beautiful. Wow, you look awesome.
• 18:58
  You look so hot in that dress and that picture or whatever.
• 19:01
  And, yes, you should be trying to kiss on the first date.
• 19:04
  You should be trying to Home with them as soon as they will.
• 19:07
  Of course, they don't have to say, yes, to you, right away?
• 19:09
  She could say no, like, remember women can say, no, let me like.
• 19:14
  But the guys that I'm addressing here, don't have to be told
• 19:17
  that, you know, like there, they think the woman say no.
• 19:20
  And she said, yes, it's like the opposite.
• 19:22
  So yes, you should be trying to kiss a woman.
• 19:24
  She knows how to say, no, if you want to ask, can I kiss you?
• 19:27
  Because we're in this day and age where that's supposed to be
• 19:29
  done. Apparently, then asked, can I
• 19:31
  kiss you? It's better than just offering
• 19:33
  like a hug. A hug.
• 19:35
  Is the end of romance? I mean, unless you're dating,
• 19:39
  then you can hug as much as you want, but like if you're gonna
• 19:42
  hug instead of kids or like worse, you're going to like I
• 19:45
  don't even know what's worse. Two people shake hands.
• 19:47
  I mean, that would really be the end of romance.
• 19:50
  But yes, you should try to kiss. You should try to escalate, you
• 19:53
  should try to touch, you should make comments that are
• 19:56
  flattering about the woman's physicality and if she's turns
• 20:00
  off by a compliment about her body, then she is not going to
• 20:04
  He big into physicality and could her physical body is then
• 20:09
  something. She doesn't want to hear about
• 20:11
  it. So it's like saying, like I want
• 20:13
  to date a woman who very much values intelligence.
• 20:17
  But if I say something to her about, wow, it's like really
• 20:20
  amazing. You graduated summa cum laude
• 20:22
  from Harvard, she's like, well, that's some bullshit, you know?
• 20:26
  Like, you'll be like, what? Like I'm, you know, I thought we
• 20:29
  were like, you know, but both on the same page with that, that
• 20:33
  would be impressive. So you want a woman that would
• 20:36
  welcome you and and reciprocate with a comment about your looks
• 20:41
  ideally you know? That would be great.
• 20:43
  Alright. Well, hopefully this was
• 20:45
  interesting to you guys and do check out the post, if it's up,
• 20:50
  I'll link it. And if it's not, just wait for
• 20:52
  it with bated breath of a doctor, psych mom website and
• 20:56
  I'll talk to you soon. Have a great day.