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STOP BEFORE YOU START · The Karen Kenney Show

• 0:00
  It's a Karen Kenney show.
• 0:03
  Hey you guys. Welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm wicked
• 0:07
  excited to be here, and I'm gonna do my best. I know I've
• 0:11
  said it. I know I've said before, but I'm really, really,
• 0:16
  really, really, really gonna try to keep this one short, short
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  and to the point short and sweet, with maybe a little bit
• 0:23
  of spice. We'll see. Okay, so
• 0:27
  as you know, I always use this to have a little story or
• 0:29
  something like the inspiration, like where the show came from. I
• 0:32
  had my brain, my brain
• 0:36
  come up with it. And as usual, it's just like everyday life,
• 0:39
  like something happens in life, some universal thing kind of
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  happens. I make it personal, and then I try to share universal,
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  spiritual principles that maybe will help us to just, you know,
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  basically, just get out of our own way and stop being maybe a
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  little nicer to each other and leading with more love and
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  spreading more love in the world. Okay, so, you know how,
• 1:01
  like somebody like text messages you, or send you an email or
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  voicemail, or, what a voxel, like some, you know, WhatsApp,
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  some sort of communication. Well, I got a text like the
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  other day, and all of a sudden,
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  and all of a sudden, I found myself responding very quickly
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  with a little bit of sarcasm, like, trying to be funny, like,
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  because there's certain people, like, first of all, if you're a
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  New England kid or a mass hole, like, sarcasm is just like, it's
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  almost like a default mode. Sometimes you've practiced,
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  you've practiced that so often that the neural network in your
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  brain, like that is a really, I think of it like being thick.
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  I'm like, That is a very well traveled neural network to
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  respond with sarcasm. So but it was really sarcasm to make the
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  other person laugh. But even still, like, I stopped myself.
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  And I stopped myself because, as I was saying, sarcasm is easy
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  for me, but that's not how I always want to respond. It's not
• 2:04
  how I always want to communicate. Um. Now, don't get
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  me wrong, sometimes I like to be a little fresh, but you know,
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  just by knowing me, there'll be times when I say to people, I'm
• 2:14
  not being fresh. I said it all the time. I'm not being fresh.
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  And I thought to myself, well, if you have to lead with, I'm
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  not being fresh to, like, put them on alert, is that, because
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  you're fresh a lot.
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  Now, look, being fresh. Being fresh is fun sometimes, but it's
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  not always the appropriate thing, okay? But because sarcasm
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  is so, like, kind of automated in my brain, and it can be a
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  very automated response, you know, and you know, like, double
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  A minions, if you grew up anywhere, pretty much in, like,
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  New England, like, it's guaranteed, right, that a lot of
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  people and I remember my sweetie saying to me, we both lived out
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  in Los Angeles, we both lived out in California for long
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  periods of time. And he was saying that when he first moved
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  out there, that his his girlfriend, one of his
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  girlfriends at the time, and people that he knew, like, they
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  just kind of didn't get, like, the whole sarcasm thing. Like,
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  to them, they're like, like, Why? Why is that even a thing?
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  Like, why would you want to talk to people that way? You know?
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  And I found this so fascinating.
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  And, you know, we get rewarded a lot. We get rewarded a lot for
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  our sarcasm, for being fast, for being quick, for being witty,
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  for being like, being able to like, like, like, you know, poke
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  the bear with the stick. I hate, actually, I hate, I don't like
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  that, but we know how to like, you know, like little zingers.
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  You know what I'm talking about. But here's the thing, as a
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  writer and as a communicator, I want to be more intentional with
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  my words. I want to, I want to not just do things habitually.
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  You know, I think that there's a lot of things that get patterned
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  into us that are really good, like learning how to drive a
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  car, riding a bike, tying our shoes, being able to, like, do
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  certain things. You know, there's certain neural networks
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  that get created in our brains. We become so patterned and
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  habituated we can do those things without even thinking
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  like nobody, really, I shouldn't say nobody, most people really
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  don't have to think about when they go to brush their teeth,
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  right? We know how to do it. It's so automated, like, it's
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  like, we're little robots, right? But I want to be able to
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  stop and think about what I'm about to say, what I'm about to
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  do, what I'm about to communicate. I want those
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  thoughts, words and actions to actually represent what's in my
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  hat, what's on my mind, like how I truly feel, how I want to be
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  in the world, not just from what I've always done, or this is
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  just how it is. Or because I wasn't thinking, You know what I
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  mean? Okay, so the other day, I was thinking about this, and I
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  was like, sometimes you just better stop before you start,
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  you know? And that's what I thought to myself when I went to
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  text back, I was like, stop before you start running your
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  mouth. Stop before you start. In.
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  Making your little jokes stop before you say something that
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  you might you know, that might get missing, misinterpreted or
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  it wasn't actually what you meant, like stop before you
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  start getting yourself in trouble type of a thing. You
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  know what I mean. And so I thought that this could be
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  applied to greater
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  circumstances, and it could also be wicked helpful. So I'm going
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  to kind of come at this from a couple of different directions,
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  because I don't think enough of us, especially in this day and
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  age of
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  of the internet and social media and whatever, and just people's
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  nervous systems like this is one of the things I always say to
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  people like we are not meant to live at the speed of gigabytes,
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  right? Like information travels so fast these days, and people
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  have kind of become uncomfortable with having to
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  wait for a response. People are impatient. People expect
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  immediacy, like right now respond. Do this thing? Faster,
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  faster, faster. I'm like, those are machines. Those are
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  computers, right? That's not humans. Like, I always say,
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  like, I shouldn't have to, like, hurry up and respond because you
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  are, like, impatient, or, like, you throw an emergency in my
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  like, your emergency. You're trying to make it by emergency?
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  I'm like, yeah, no. So the world is moving at such a fast clip
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  that we sometimes just do things automated. We don't even think
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  about it. And so my whole thing is about like, sometimes we just
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  got to stop. We got to put on the brakes. So these are kind of
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  some of the things I ask myself
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  when I find myself about to like, let's say, write an email,
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  make a post on social media, send out send out my newsletter,
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  do a podcast, talk to a friend before I open my big fat mouth,
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  something that I often say to myself is, you better stop
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  before you Start. Right? So I want to ask myself these things
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  like, how's my nervous system right now? Like, where's it at?
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  Where's my mind at? How am I feeling? Because sometimes, you
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  know, you know, in the in different like programs, like 12
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  step programs and stuff like that, they'll often say to
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  people like, are you tired? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are
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  you lonely? You know whatever like, what's going on inside of
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  you? Because before you make a decision that you can't unmake,
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  you know what I mean. You like slow down and ask yourself,
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  like, what's going on inside of you? So I like to to make sure
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  that I am not responding or reacting to things from a place
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  of fear. I want to be able to choose them from a place of
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  like, Yeah, this is a choice that I'm consciously making. I'm
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  not just reacting from my history. I'm not reacting from
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  my trigger or my trauma. I'm not reacting from this is just how
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  I've always done it. If I have an attitude, like, sometimes you
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  need a little attitude adjustment,
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  you know what I mean? So I'm like, I want to be able to stop
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  and before, before I start running my mouth, before I start
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  typing with my little fingers, before I hit record. You know? I
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  want to be mindful. I want to be thinking about some shit. So
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  what's going on inside of me. Because if I'm feeling agitated,
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  if I'm feeling anxious, if I'm feeling stressed, if I'm feeling
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  impatient, there is no doubt that that is going to affect my
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  tone, my tone of voice. It's going to affect my brevity, or
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  how long I write a thing, how friendly I'm being, or how open
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  I'm being, how vulnerable and warm and compassionate and
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  connecting. So if I'm offline, if my nervous system has been
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  hijacked and I'm in like, some sort of fear loop, or doing some
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  weird shit up in my brain and my body's not feeling great, of
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  course, it's going to affect, like, how I respond, how I talk,
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  all those things. So I always like to check in with myself and
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  say, like, okay, might it be smarter to wait a little bit to
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  send this sucker? Do you want to wait till you get a good night's
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  rest? Right? Don't just make this impulsive response. Don't
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  just make this impulsive decision, like, stop before you
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  start and get yourself in trouble. You know what I mean?
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  So that's number one. So number two, we want to, like, just
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  like, pause and reflect before we take action. And some of the
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  things we want to consider, like, what's really the point of
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  this thing? Like, what's the purpose of this thing? What's my
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  goal in my objective, with this communication, with this
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  whatever I'm about to do this action I'm about to take,
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  like, think about like, what do you really Excuse me? What do
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  you really want to have happen? What's the goal? What's the
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  objective? We don't control the outcome 90 whatever, percent of
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  the time, but what we put into it, how we start a thing is
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  sometimes, how we.
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  An end of things. So, like, if we're going to start it, we want
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  to be doing it from a place that actually reflects, you know, the
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  thing we're going for, like, it is, is the outcome that I want,
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  is this thing I'm about to think, say and do? Is it in
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  alignment with with that potential outcome? And we also
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  have to be thinking about the potential consequences of not
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  stopping, like, just starting. Do you know what I mean? Because
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  a lot of times, like,
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  a lot of times, especially again, when we go back to the
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  speed of information thing, you know, you get a message, and you
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  don't even think, like, especially with, like, boxer or
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  something like that, can be a little more stream of
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  consciousness, you know, like, when you can just hit record and
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  you can talk out loud for 15 minutes uninterrupted, and the
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  person on the receiving end right has to just like, listen
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  to you go on and on and on and on and on. Now, I personally
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  don't mind getting longer messages, especially if they're
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  telling me good stories or there's good points, or that
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  we're playing catch up, or we're brainstorming that. I don't mind
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  that. But there are times when people just, like, run their
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  mouse without thinking, right? There's no it's like, put a
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  comma in your commentary, right? Just put a comma in your
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  commentary and pause for a moment. Okay, because we want to
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  be talking about, like, the consequences that. But have you
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  thought about the goal, the outcome, what you're really
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  trying to accomplish. And have you thought about the potential
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  consequences of what your attitude, your tone of voice,
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  the words you're choosing, what you're about to say back right?
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  Did you stop before you started? And did you think about it? How
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  is this going to land for them? You know, we can't control how
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  other people respond, but we can control when we send it, how we
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  send it, what words we choose, what we do, right with those
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  thoughts, those words and those actions. And here's just another
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  final one. I'm going to wrap this up, because this is the
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  thing. So I find that I don't know if it's just you, I don't
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  know if you have this experience too. Double A men hands, I try
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  to be a really thoughtful communicator. So when I go to
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  send somebody an email, especially if I'm trying to
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  communicate important things to them, like, for example, in the
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  nest, right? So my my spiritual mentoring group, program and
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  community. So we have calls every other week. And so when I
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  send out the like, the time, I'm like, All right, I need them to
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  know first of all, the call is coming up this week. This is
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  what day it is, this is what time it is, this is what how
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  long it is like. This is where it's happening. Here's the Zoom
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  link, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, here's what they're going
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  to need for the call. Try to show up on whatever I think of
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  all the information that I'm trying to communicate. And I
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  always say to myself, How can I make this almost foolproof? How
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  can I make this so that there will be no follow up questions?
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  How can I do work up front that's going to save me work on
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  the back end, because I was a shitty communicator. So here are
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  some of the tricks and tools that I use, and I'm going to
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  tell you what they are first, then I'm going to talk a little
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  bit about it. And so just sit tight about the buckle up. Okay,
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  so when I'm sending an email, there's a couple of things that
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  I do. Number one, if I'm usually sharing a lot of different
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  information, like a place, a time or whatever, a link, I
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  number them. I literally make it so their brain has to go number
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  one, okay, here's the date and the time. Number two, here's how
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  long the thing is, or whatever it is, here's the location. This
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  is where the studio is. Like, I literally try to think of
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  everything. This is what you're gonna need to bring. Number
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  three, you know what I mean? I try to really, really simplify
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  it.
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  I often will use bold in my emails because people don't pay
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  attention. Most people's minds are moving so fast. This is the
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  generation right of like, TLDR, too long didn't read, which to
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  me, is just like, I don't think I've ever written that in my
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  life, except to reference it about somebody else or something
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  else. I'm like, No, I will read everything like I read the
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  things. No, why? Because I'm a reader. I'm a reader and a
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  writer. I love words so like, I will read it. So many people
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  skim, so many people read fast. Don't really read. They half ass
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  read. They don't pay attention, whatever. So I already know, I
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  already know what the internet, social media, just people's
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  nervous systems, how everybody's kind of amped up, stressed out,
• 14:50
  anxious, whatever. And so I'm, like, all right, I'm gonna try
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  to make this as clear as possible, make it so that they
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  can't, like, miss it. I'm.
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  I will number things. I will write things in bold.
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  I will create space so as a writer, writer right? As
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  somebody who's writing a memoir, I write in full paragraphs,
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  right when, when we read books, not all books, because
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  children's books, hello, or books that are writing in a
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  slightly different thing, poetry, whatever. But people who
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  write like usually novels, self help books, memoirs, prose, we
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  write in actual full paragraphs, our brains are used to reading
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  sentence after sentence after sentence after sentence after
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  sentence after sentence. Break new paragraphs, sentence after
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  sentence after set. I know that most people, they'll be like,
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  yeah, too long. Didn't read or like, remember me? So I'm like,
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  okay, so what I do is I break things up.
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  You will notice, if you get a newsletter or an email from me,
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  I tend to write in like, one sentence chunks, because it
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  creates a lot of white space, and it helps people's eyes and
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  brains to, like, take it in. And there's no way. There's just
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  like, oh yeah, I can just read that. When you give people
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  chunks of copy, it seems these days like they just can't handle
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  it right, and they won't read it. So I have these little
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  workarounds. And I stop before I go to send an email, I stop and
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  I say, okay, how can I clearly, concisely, whatever, communicate
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  this to the best of my ability, make it so everything they need
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  is in this thing, right?
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  You would be amazed. Now, it's one thing when I'm delivering
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  information, sometimes people might have a follow up question
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  about, like, hey, like, like, just very things that are unique
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  to them, right? Like, hey, I need to leave a little early, or
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  is this okay if I do this? Like, I'm not talking about that. I'm
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  talking like, deliver the information. What makes me
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  mental. What makes me insane? Just little side by side by
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  here. Here's what makes me mental when I'm trying to get
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  information from somebody, when I'm trying to find out when a
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  thing is, how long it is, what's going on, where's the thing? How
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  do we do whatever? When I'm trying to extract information
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  and get something answers from somebody, I write to them in the
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  same exact way. I will bold it. I will sometimes use yellow
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  highlighter. Here are my three questions, and I will number
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  them
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  when I tell you the amount of times that people either say
• 17:46
  they're going to get back to me by a certain day and they don't,
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  and then they never get back to me. Like, maybe it's like,
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  whatever you have to, like, prompt them, prompt them, prompt
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  them, and I get it. People are busy. Like, I get it, but either
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  they don't respond, or if they do respond, they'll only answer
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  like, one question. I'm like, um, what about these other two?
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  Because now I'm gonna have to do a follow up email because you
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  didn't slow down and read what I'm asking you. Now, I'm totally
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  fine if they say to me, Hey, all of these questions are answered
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  on the Q amp a page on my website, here's the link. Or if
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  they even just say, go to my website, you'll find it blah,
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  blah, blah. I'm like, great, as long as I have access to it. But
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  most people do not stop before they start to respond and see
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  what this person is really asking of them.
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  People do not pause, they do not breathe, they do not think, and
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  they do not be.
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  And my thing is, like, I encourage people. I was just
• 19:00
  talking to somebody on the phone about this the other day, I
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  encourage people try to put yourself in another person's
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  shoes. Try to put yourself on the receiving end of this thing.
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  Try to imagine what it's like to be the other person. And if we
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  could do that, not only would we be better communicators if we
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  stopped before we started, but we would literally have a
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  different experience in the world. I wish that so many
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  people in the world would stop and try to put themselves in
• 19:35
  other people's shoes, because I think if we did that, and we
• 19:38
  actually gave a shit, and we actually can, I know a lot of us
• 19:42
  do, but half the countries doesn't seem to right. You know
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  what I'm talking about, we would be a lot more compassionate if
• 19:49
  we stop thinking about just me and mine and mine and ours, and
• 19:53
  how my experience and what I want from my kids, my family, my
• 19:56
  thing my religion, my people, my what we would.
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  Have a totally different experience, if people would just
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  stop, pause, breathe, be think about these things. What do I
• 20:08
  really want? How do I want the other person to feel? This is
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  the other thing, right that we have to ask ourselves. It's
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  like, okay, how do I want them to feel? To be on the receiving
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  end of this. What do I want them to know?
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  How do I want them to feel? What action, if any, do I want them
• 20:30
  to take?
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  If more of us did this, if more of us communicated intentionally
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  and again, we can use, I just use the example of sarcasm,
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  because that's easy. It's an automatic it's an automatic
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  thing. I don't have to think about being sarcastic. I don't
• 20:50
  have to think about it like my brain. I'm already my fingers
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  could just start typing before I even have, like, noticed, like
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  the smart ass thing that's about to come out of my mouth, right?
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  But I try to train my brain. I try to train my mind, right, of
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  course, in miracles, says an untrained mind, right? An
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  untrained mind can accomplish nothing.
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  And I don't want like, you know, in yoga, I think it was in the
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  Bhagavad Gita, but Swami Kripalu says it too.
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  It talks about, like, the consequences of being yourself.
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  And when I think of that, in this case, I'm talking about the
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  consequences of you being your ego personality, not the true
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  self who you really are, the eternal, loving, kind,
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  compassionate, happy, healthy, healed, whole, holy self. I'm
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  not talking about that capital S self. I'm talking about this
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  little ego, personality, self that we tend to identify with,
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  this body, where we grew up, our money, our people, our family,
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  our accents, our whatever, like all of this is who I am. This is
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  who I am.
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  You're more than just who you are and how you were raised. You
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  know what I'm saying? There's more to you than that, and
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  that's the thing that we want to really stop before you start
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  just running down your patent Avenue, like right, your ways of
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  being that you've always done. We have an opportunity to renew,
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  to remake right when we talk about this concept, and I don't
• 22:17
  mean it religiously, but this opportunity to be reborn, to
• 22:20
  have a clean slate. Like, in every moment we tend to think
• 22:24
  about it, like on our birthdays, like, oh yeah, new personal New
• 22:27
  New Year. And then, like, whether it's the Gregorian
• 22:31
  calendar new year in January or the Chinese New Year, whatever
• 22:34
  it's like, oh yeah, clean slate, New Year. You could have a New
• 22:37
  Year, New You in any moment when you decide to cut the shit and
• 22:41
  stop before you start. And of course, we can apply this to
• 22:46
  stop before you start being lazy and break your word to yourself
• 22:50
  and not get off your ass and go for that walk stop before you
• 22:53
  start drinking, before you pick that shit up, before you start
• 22:57
  light up that smoke, before you shove that Twinkie ho ho, you
• 23:00
  know, Susie Q, cupcake thing in your mouth stop before you
• 23:03
  start.
• 23:05
  And if you don't know how to stop, there's lots of tools out
• 23:10
  there for doing that, right?
• 23:13
  Lots of tools, lots of coaches. Meant, I'm raising my hand
• 23:16
  Hello, mentors, people out there that can help you, that can help
• 23:20
  you to make different choices. My brother, my sister, choose
• 23:24
  again. Choose differently that is available to you at any time,
• 23:28
  not if you don't stop first, not if you're not aware first, you
• 23:32
  got to slow down, to go fast. You know what I'm saying? So I
• 23:36
  think I'm going to end it there. I hope this was helpful in some
• 23:40
  ways, just something that was on my mind. I went for a walk run
• 23:43
  earlier and and I was thinking about the show. And then again,
• 23:48
  the text, but this is my spiritual team, stotj. They're
• 23:51
  always helping me out with like show,
• 23:54
  you know, show ideas and stuff like that. So I hope this was
• 23:56
  helpful in some way for you. And I super duper appreciate you if
• 23:59
  you're still here, listen to the sound of my voice. Thank you for
• 24:01
  being here. I hope you have a fantastic rest of your day. And
• 24:06
  like I said, if you ever want to work with me, I'm wicked easy to
• 24:08
  find. You know, Karen kenney.com, just spell my last
• 24:11
  name, right? K, e, n, n, e, y, and then you're there. It's
• 24:15
  easy, right? Lots of ways to see what I'm up to, what I'm
• 24:18
  offering, what's going on.
• 24:21
  And, yeah, that's it. I got all kinds of stuff going on behind
• 24:25
  the scenes. I've been doing a lot of writing trying to get the
• 24:28
  first draft of this memoir finally done. I might be
• 24:31
  offering some writing salons, some writing, little mini
• 24:35
  writing, like, we could call them workshops, but it's more
• 24:38
  like, yeah, like salons, like we get together for like, two hours
• 24:41
  and we write online. I might do some in person here in New
• 24:45
  Hampshire, but I might. I'm also going to be offering them
• 24:47
  online. So if you're a writer, or somebody who wants to write,
• 24:50
  and you want to write in community
• 24:53
  and etcetera, I'll be telling you more about that as well.
• 24:56
  Okay, thank you so much for being here. I'm sending you lots
• 24:59
  of love.
• 25:00
  Uh, wherever you go. May you leave the animals, may you leave
• 25:04
  the people, the environment, the planet, and yourself better than
• 25:09
  how you first found it wherever you go. May you and your love,
• 25:13
  your presence, your energy, you know, your spirit, your heart,
• 25:17
  like who you are. May it be a blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so
• 25:23
  much for listening to the show. I really love spending some time
• 25:26
  together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could
• 25:29
  benefit from this episode, please share it with them and
• 25:33
  help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to
• 25:36
  be in the know about all of my upcoming shenanigans, head on
• 25:40
  over to Karen kenney.com/sign,
• 25:43
  up and join my list. It'll be wicked fun to stay in touch.
• 25:48
  Bye. You.