Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 646: Will Your Avoidant Ex Come Back?

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Episode 646: Will Your Avoidant Ex Come Back? · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Will your avoidant X come back? Well, the answer to that depends
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  on three different factors, and you're in control of only one of
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  those factors. What are those three factors?
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  Well, stay tuned and you'll find out.
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  Hi, this is Lucia with the Art of Love.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over your ex.
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  And welcome back, my beautiful no contact army.
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  Have you downloaded Silencio to help you stay in No contact?
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  If not, the link is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And yes, if you too would like to join our army, all you have
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  to do is hit the subscribe button and the Bell notification
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  and you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com. Or you can read 2 free chapters
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  before you purchase the book. And of course the link to that
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  is underneath every video and podcast.
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  So how easy or how difficult it will be for your ex to come back
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  is going to depend on which type of avoidant they are.
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  So let's discuss a few differences between Dismissive
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  Avoidance and Fearful Avoidance. People with this with a
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  dismissive, avoidant attachment style engage in a lot of
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  withdrawal, distancing, and dismissive behavior, while
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  people with an anxious avoidant or preoccupied avoidant
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  attachment style have a hyper focus on the relationship.
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  They need frequent reassuring and exhibit clingy or
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  controlling behavior. This is pretty much the opposite
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  of someone with a dismissive. Avoid an attachment style, which
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  I am. I don't hyper focus on a
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  relationship. I don't frequently seek
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  reassurance from my partner. I just look at their behavior
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  and I draw my own conclusions and make a decision to withdraw
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  if I don't like what I see. I'm definitely not cling your
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  controlling, if anything the opposite because I don't want
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  the person to be clinging and controlling with me.
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  So the fearful avoidant actually has more in common with someone
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  who has an anxious attachment style, which many of you
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  listening to this have than they do with a dismissive avoidance.
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  They just both have and have the word avoidant in their
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  attachment style. Name dismissives don't show too
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  many elements of anxiousness. They're very consistent in their
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  response to relationship stress, choosing to withdraw and repress
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  most of the time, Whereas A fearful avoidant sometimes acts
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  according to the avoidant pattern and sometimes acts
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  according to the anxious occupied pattern, depending on
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  the situation. So if you're anxious, you
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  actually have more in common with the fearful avoidance than
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  you do with the dismissive avoidance.
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  And then finally, dismissives usually set up their
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  relationships in a way that minimizes intimacy and maximizes
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  freedom and autonomy. They want to make sure they can
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  get away from situations that trigger them at a moment's
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  notice. That's why things like moving in
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  or getting married are such a trigger.
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  Because yes, obviously they can leave, but it's going to be a
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  lot more complicated than if they were single and had their
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  own place. They can't just walk away.
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  So a couple that was actually compromised of a dismissive
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  avoidant and a fearful avoidant was Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
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  Johnny Depp shows signs of being dismissed if he withdraws under
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  stress and escapes by drinking alcohol and using substances.
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  And meanwhile, Amber, who was diagnosed with borderline
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  personality disorder, showed signs of both high attachment
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  anxiety and high attachment avoidance, matching the fearful
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  avoidant pattern. She was extremely jealous,
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  controlling, and clingy, and these dramatic shifts in mood
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  and responsiveness exacerbated Johnny's tendency to escape and
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  withdraw. And we all saw what happened
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  with that relationship. So the first factor to consider
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  is whether your ex is a dismissive avoidant or a fearful
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  avoidant. The fearful avoidant is more
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  likely to reach out during no contact, and they are more
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  likely to want to get back together.
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  Dismissives, since it's in the name, tend to be more
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  dismissive, meaning you're dismissed, I'm done with you.
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  It doesn't mean that a dismissive will never come back,
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  but it will be more difficult and will also depend on the
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  other two factors. The second factor in whether or
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  not you will get your avoidant X back is their interest level.
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  Whether they are fearful or dismissive interest level,
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  Trump's everything. As I said dismissive avoidance
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  are the hardest to get back because once they walk away they
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  usually keep walking unless unless you are totally their
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  type or they have a high interest level in you for some
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  other reason. So even though their interest
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  level may go below 50 if you heard me talk about interest
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  level and you can find out more about that in Doc Love's book
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  The System. He's the one who introduced me
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  to interest level. And the link for that is
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  underneath every single video. And an important part of
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  interest level is connection. The deeper the connection you
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  have, the more likely they are to come back.
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  And here's how to understand connection.
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  And this is the method that the CIA uses to get information out
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  of people. So everyone has three lives.
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  They're public life. The person that everyone sees
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  walking around, going to work, your colleagues see when you're
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  at the gym in public, right? The next is the private life and
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  your friends, your close friends, your family, your
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  boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.
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  They see your private life. And then the third one, and the
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  most important factor, to get information, secret information,
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  if you're a spy or to connect with someone so that they will
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  always come back, is The Secret Life.
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  And The Secret Life that consists of, well, secrets.
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  Things that most people do not know about you, your dirty
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  little secrets. And it can be things you've done
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  that you've never told anyone, your thoughts, your desires,
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  your wishes, your fantasies, things like that.
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  And you know, it's not that easy to get that information out of
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  someone. I mean, there is a way.
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  I'm not going to go into it now. However, if if you're a client
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  of mine and you ask me about it, I sure, I will of course tell
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  you how to do it. So if you can get into someone's
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  secret life, you create a bond that's very hard to break
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  because most people do not share their secret life with people.
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  And I've shared it with two people and they've shared their
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  secret life with me. And you know, we're going to
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  have a bond for life. You know, we're we're still in
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  touch, even though I stopped dating them years ago.
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  So if you can get into someone's secret life, you'll create a
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  bond that will probably never be broken.
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  OK And then, oh, by the way, if you are finding this information
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  helpful, I would appreciate if you would give this video a like
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  in order to help the YouTube algorithm show it to other
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  people. And then other people can also
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  find out how to get their Avoidant eggs back.
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  So if you're still close to 50 in terms of interest level, you
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  have a good chance of getting them back.
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  I've given guys second chances, but only because I was initially
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  very interested in them. But most of the guys I walked
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  away from I never looked back, especially if they betrayed me
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  and I felt I can never trust them.
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  Avoidance. Have a hard time trusting people
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  in the 1st place, so betraying their trust is one of the worst
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  things you can do. And then finally the third
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  factor, and this is the one that you have control over, is how
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  you behave after the breakup. The worst thing you can do is
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  chase and avoid twas dumped you. Unless of course you cheated or
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  took them for granted and in either case you still have to do
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  no contact for a period of time. But if you cheated or took it
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  for granted, I did a video on that topic and I will put a link
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  in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  However, if that is not you, then you absolutely have to stay
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  in no contact and wait for them to say something significant.
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  And again, if their interest level is high enough they will.
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  The problem is that if you have an anxious attachment style, and
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  you probably do or you wouldn't be listening to this, it's going
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  to be very hard for you to stay in no contact and therefore your
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  chance of getting your ex back goes down.
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  That's why I did the video titled If You Don't get Your ex
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  Back, It's your fault And I will of course again put the link in
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  the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  And a few months ago I dropped one of my clients.
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  Yes I did because they broke no contact and they called their ex
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  and then they called them again and again and again and again.
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  So I knew I wasn't going to be able to help them at that
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  moment, and I told them that they needed to work on their
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  attachment style before I would consider working with them
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  again. That's how serious I am about no
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  contact. OK?
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  I have no problem dropping clients if they're not going to
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  listen. They're wasting my time and
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  their money. So luckily they listened.
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  I hooked them up with a great therapist who deals with people
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  who have an anxious attachment style, and now they're back as
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  my client and they're doing much better.
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  And no, in the meantime they did not get their ex back.
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  So as you can see, acting on your anxiety and reaching out to
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  your ex when you get triggered is not going to bring them back.
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  That's why I've done so many videos on no contact and
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  responding to your ex, and why I have my Silencio app with the
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  counter to count the days that you've been in no contact and
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  the panic button and anyone who tells you to reach out to your
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  ex when they've dumped you. Whether they tell you to reach
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  out after 21 days, 30 days, 45 days, or 60 days and beyond does
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  not know what they are talking about.
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  As I mentioned earlier, unless you cheated or took your ex for
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  granted, you should not be reaching out.
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  Reaching out to an avoidant who dumped you is only going to push
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  them further away and prolong the no contact, period.
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  And I hate that people are giving the wrong information and
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  setting you up for failure. I know you think it's impossible
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  to get your ex back, especially if they're an avoidant.
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  However, if you do your part and leave them alone and let time
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  and nostalgia do its part, the chances of you getting your ex
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  back go up exponentially. So now I want to hear from you.
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  Is your ex a dismissive, avoidant, or a fearful avoidant?
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  And how do you know? Please comment below and in the
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  meantime, if you would like my help to get your ex back,
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  contact me at theartoflove.net and we will send you the rates.
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  The direct link is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 11:09
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 11:11
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.