Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle Difficult Conversations with Direct Reports
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to start with a number I came across this morning. In a survey by the leadership development firm VitalSmarts, 87 percent of managers said they avoid a difficult conversation for at least six months — if they ever have it at all. Luna: Six months. That's a lot of resentment and missed performance opportunities. Lucas: Exactly. And the cost isn't just productivity. It's trust. When you avoid telling someone their lateness is hurting the team, or that their tone in meetings is rubbing people the wrong way, you're actually making the problem worse over time. Luna: So what's the alternative? Most new managers I talk to say they want to be direct but they don't want to damage the relationship. Lucas: Right, and that's the tension. So today I want to walk through a specific framework I learned from a senior HR executive at a large financial services firm. It's called the SBI model — Situation, Behavior, Impact. Lucas: It's designed to depersonalize the feedback. Instead of saying 'You're always late,' you describe the situation, the observable behavior, and the impact it had. It takes the judgment out and puts the facts in. Luna: I've heard of SBI. My former boss used it. But I've also seen people use it as a weapon — like, 'Situation: yesterday's meeting. Behavior: you interrupted me. Impact: I felt disrespected.' That can still feel pretty personal. Lucas: That's a great point. The model is a tool, not a script. The key is making sure the impact is tied to team goals, not your feelings. So instead of 'I felt disrespected,' you say 'The impact was that we lost the thread of the discussion and had to backtrack, which cost us ten minutes.' Luna: Okay, that's a better example. So how would you open a conversation using SBI? Walk me through a specific scenario. Lucas: Let's use lateness. Say a direct report, let's call her Priya, has been coming in fifteen to twenty minutes late to your weekly one-on-one for the past month. You've let it slide, but now it's affecting your ability to cover everything. Lucas: You'd start with the situation: 'Priya, I want to talk about our weekly one-on-one meetings. Specifically, over the last four weeks, you've arrived about fifteen minutes late each time.' That's concrete, no judgment. Luna: And then the behavior is just the observable fact. You're not speculating about why. Lucas: Exactly. Then the impact: 'When you're late, I have to rush through the agenda, and I worry we're not addressing the priorities you need. It also means I sometimes have to push other meetings back.' Luna: I like that you tied it to her priorities too. It's not just about you. Lucas: That's intentional. The goal is to create shared ownership of the problem. Then you pause and ask for her perspective. 'What's your view? Is something coming up that's making it hard to get to these on time?' Luna: And that's where the conversation actually starts. Because maybe she has a kid who just started school and the drop-off is unpredictable. Or maybe she didn't realize it was a big deal. Lucas: Exactly. The framework opens the door for a real dialogue. And then you can problem-solve together. Maybe you shift the one-on-one to a later time, or she commits to blocking her calendar better. But you've named it without making her defensive. Luna: There's another technique I've used that pairs well with this. Before you even launch into SBI, ask: 'What's your read on how these one-on-ones have been going? Is there anything you'd change?' Luna: Sometimes they'll bring up the lateness themselves. And then you're not delivering feedback — you're agreeing on a problem they identified. Lucas: That's smart. It builds self-awareness and reduces the power imbalance. You're essentially inviting them to co-diagnose. Luna: Right. And if they don't bring it up, you can still use SBI. But the opener is softer. Lucas: Let's talk about another scenario that's harder than lateness: addressing a pattern of negative behavior in team meetings. Maybe someone consistently shoots down ideas or uses a sarcastic tone. Lucas: With SBI, you'd say: 'In yesterday's brainstorming session, when Alex proposed the new onboarding workflow, you said, quote, 'That's never going to work,' and then you turned to your laptop. The impact was that the team went quiet and we didn't get any more ideas from that group.' Luna: That's very specific. And you didn't call them cynical or rude. You just described what happened. Lucas: Right. And then you ask: 'Can you help me understand what was going on there?' The tone matters a lot. You're genuinely curious, not prosecutorial. Luna: What if they get defensive anyway? I've had people say, 'I was just being honest' or 'Everyone else was thinking it.' Lucas: Defensiveness is normal. When that happens, I acknowledge their perspective: 'I appreciate that you want to be direct. That's a valuable trait. At the same time, the impact on the team was that participation dropped. How can we balance honesty with keeping the conversation open?' Luna: So you're not backing down, but you're validating their intent. Lucas: Exactly. And you're turning it into a joint problem. 'How do we make sure your critical thinking is heard without shutting others down?' Often they'll come up with a good solution themselves. Lucas: The principles we're talking about — concrete examples, separating behavior from person, focusing on impact, inviting dialogue — they apply across almost every difficult conversation, from missed deadlines to interpersonal friction to performance issues. Luna: Before we go further, I want to acknowledge something. This is the kind of practical advice that's really hard to find in a typical management book. And I think that's why this show resonates. Lucas: I hear you. And if today's episode gave you a framework you can actually use, the reason these conversations stay ad-free is listener support. You can help keep this going at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Luna: It's a small thing that makes a big difference. And we're grateful. Lucas: Okay, back to the toolkit. One more scenario I want to cover: giving feedback on a project that missed the mark. Say a direct report submitted a report with several errors and incomplete analysis. Luna: The instinct might be to say, 'This needs more work.' But that's vague. Lucas: Right. With SBI: 'In the Q2 competitive analysis you sent on Tuesday, I noticed three data points that didn't match our internal sources, and the recommendation section was blank. The impact is that I can't share it with the VP yet, and it sets us back a day while we revise.' Lucas: Then you ask: 'What happened? Was the timeline too tight? Did you need more support?' You're diagnosing the root cause, not just the symptom. Luna: And you're also giving them a chance to own the mistake and learn. That builds trust. Lucas: It does. But here's the thing: you have to follow through. If they say the timeline was too tight, you need to adjust future deadlines or provide resources. Otherwise the conversation feels performative. Luna: What about when you need to deliver really tough feedback — like a performance improvement warning? Does SBI still work? Lucas: It does, but you need to escalate the formality. You might say: 'Over the past two months, we've discussed the late submissions four times, and the issue persists. The impact is that the team is missing client deadlines. I need to put this in writing as a formal improvement plan.' Lucas: The model still helps you stay factual. But at that level, you're also documenting a pattern. Luna: I think the biggest takeaway for new managers is this: you don't have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to start the conversation. The more you practice, the less intimidating it becomes. Lucas: Couldn't agree more. And if you mess up — if you say something clumsy or too harsh — you can always circle back. Say, 'I think I came across too strongly earlier. Let me try again.' That models accountability. Luna: I love that. It shows that feedback is a skill, not a personality trait. Lucas: Exactly. So for any new manager listening: pick one conversation you've been avoiding, and schedule it this week. Use SBI. Start with the situation. Stay curious. See what happens. Luna: And if it goes well, let us know. We'd love to hear how it went. Lucas: That's a wrap for this episode. Luna, thanks as always. Luna: Thanks, Lucas. See everyone next time.