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What Helps Men Last Longer During Sex with Kevin Anthony · Libido Lounge

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  The average man lasts about five to seven minutes before he ejaculates.
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  The average woman took twenty five to thirty minutes to reach orgasm.
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  Kevin Anthony is a certified sexologist, tantra counselor, NLP practitioner and the sex love
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  and relationship coach.
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  For over ten years, he's worked with men, women and couples to help them have the relationship
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  of their dreams and the best sex of their lives.
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  He's the host of the Love Lab Podcast, creator of the popular YouTube channel, Kevin Anthony
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  Coaching, and the co creator of the online course series Power in Mastery which is a
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  complete men's sexual mastery training to develop a man's stamina, boost his confidence,
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  and enhance his sexual abilities.
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  Premature ejaculation is ejaculating anytime sooner than you want it to.
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  You can learn to control it.
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  I decide when I want ejaculate.
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  You've got this building of sexual energy.
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  You don't know how to move it through your body.
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  It explodes out in an ejaculation.
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  It is the act of making love.
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  It is not the race to orgasm.
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  Hi, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on the lounge.
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  I'm so thrilled to bring up a new friend of mine, Kevin Anthony, to the show.
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  We're gonna have the best time today.
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  We are gonna talk about something that is a common thing that comes up, which is how to
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  last longer as a man, how to work with erectile dysfunction, what is normal in this, you know,
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  situation, and so much more.
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  So I wanted to bring Kevin up because like you heard in the intro, he's a real expert in this
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  topic.
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  So thank you so much for being here with me today, Kevin.
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  Thanks for having me.
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  I'm looking forward to the conversation.
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  Yeah.
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  Same.
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  Let's dive right in.
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  And, you know, one thing that comes up a lot that I hear is just the conversation, and I
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  think this even goes beyond, like like, sex in general.
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  It's like this question in hell of what is normal.
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  And so when it comes to what we're gonna talk about today as, like, kind of the prime topic
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  around how to last longer as a man, I think one of the first questions is, well, what is
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  normal?
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  Like, what you know, like, if a man's trying to last longer, trying to evaluate, like, should
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  he put effort into this?
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  You know, how does he know what if he's on track?
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  If he's not, what's normal here?
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  Well, is a really great question.
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  And, you know, we always sort of have to preface this by saying that when we when we say
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  normal, normal means what are most people doing.
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  Right?
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  So when it comes to how long does a man last, how long do most men last?
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  Now, as you'll find out as we get deeper into this topic, what is normal for most men is not
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  my definition of normal.
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  So we'll get into that.
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  But so they've done a bunch of studies on this over the years, and they've all come up with
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  slightly different numbers, but basically, the average man lasts about five to seven minutes
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  before he ejaculates.
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  Now, to me, when I hear that number, of course, I think, wow, that is unbelievably short.
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  It's like you haven't even warmed up yet, and it's over.
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  Right?
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  And as a woman, jeez, you know what I'm talking about.
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  Oh, yeah.
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  But so five, seven minutes, it it sounds short to begin with.
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  But when you put it in context, right, and the context is this, those same studies determined
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  that the average woman took twenty five to thirty minutes to reach orgasm.
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  And in my own personal experience, it can take even longer than that for many women.
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  Right?
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  So five to seven minutes, it's like you're not even a third of the way towards getting her to
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  a place where she's even possibly going to orgasm.
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  Right?
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  And so, then men wonder why she's not into sex.
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  Oh, I don't know.
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  She never wants to have sex.
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  I don't really understand.
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  She's never in the mood.
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  To which I say all the time, well, I'm sorry, guys, but if she doesn't want to have sex with
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  you, it's probably, there can be other causes, but it's probably because she's not getting the
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  kind of sex that she likes.
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  Like, what's in
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  it for her?
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  Right?
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  She doesn't even get warmed up yet,
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  and it's over.
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  And it's
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  like, why did I even bother?
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  Yeah.
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  That's exactly right.
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  And I love how you're starting this.
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  I I answer so similarly when I get asked this question around, like, what is the difference
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  between common and normal?
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  And I think oftentimes we just because something is so common, we just say, well, this
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  is normal, and, you know, how you're differentiating this around, like, okay.
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  Well, this is what's happening with most people, but this doesn't mean that this is
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  actually normal.
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  The body is so much more capable than this.
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  And and you're absolutely right.
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  I mean, it's so common that this this concept orgasm gap comes up around, okay, well,
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  commonly, he's lasting nowhere close to how long she's lasting.
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  And that is, like, such a conflict between couples that oftentimes, like, shuts down sex
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  and intimacy.
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  So if somebody is listening to this and it's like, okay.
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  So now I know that this is common, that it's five to seven minutes, but I'm much more, like,
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  capable of this, how does somebody really even begin to do the process of reprogramming, you
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  know, reprogramming their ejaculatory function, especially in regards to the mind?
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  Right?
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  Because I think there's such a such a psychological, like, neurological, like, well,
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  this is just what I do.
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  This is what I cape I'm capable of.
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  So I know we have, like, the physical part that has to be kind of retrained, and you have
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  practices for that.
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  So if you can touch on that, but also touch a little bit on, if you would, like, how do we
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  actually then, like, help the mind to believe that if this has only lasted for five to seven
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  minutes every time, that the the body is actually capable of longer, that we don't self
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  sabotage with, you know, some of our thoughts?
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  Yeah.
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  So the very first part when it comes to how do I last longer is exactly that.
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  It's changing mindset.
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  Right?
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  You have to actually realize that this is possible.
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  Right?
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  And it's not it's not just like, you know, if if we talk about the size of, you know, the
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  male penis.
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  Right?
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  There's like most men are are an average size, but there's a couple of outliers that are
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  gigantic.
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  Right?
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  That's not what we're talking about here.
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  Right?
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  When we're talking about you being able to last longer than five to ten ten minutes, we're not
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  talking about trying to get you to be the outlier.
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  This is something that everybody can achieve.
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  Everybody's body is capable of it as long as you know how.
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  The problem is nobody ever told you that it was possible, and nobody ever showed you how to do
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  it.
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  So you're just operating on this default mode, right, that you learned very early on.
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  You know, like, this is a great segue into how did we get to five to seven minutes?
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  Like, why is it five to seven minutes?
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  Well Right.
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  Because how do most men, you know, learn about sexuality, and how do they orgasm for the first
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  time?
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  How do they ejaculate for the first time?
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  Well, usually when they're young, they discover, you know, touching their penis feels
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  good and they start masturbating.
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  Well, generally, that has been frowned upon by parents and societies, and so what are they
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  doing?
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  Hiding in the bathroom.
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  Right?
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  The only place, you know, a young boy or young man can get five minutes apiece, but don't stay
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  in there too long.
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  Something might come knocking on the door.
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  Right?
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  So Yep.
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  I see how it's happening.
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  Hurry up.
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  And then it gets exacerbated, as you get older and porn comes into the equation because, you
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  know, how do most men use porn?
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  Well, they spend fifteen to twenty minutes looking for the clip that's gonna be the thing
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  that does it for them that day, and once they find it, it's off to the races, and five
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  minutes later, they ejaculate and they're out.
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  Right?
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  So they're physically training their bodies, and because of that, they don't have a concept
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  in their mind that there is something else.
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  So step one, of course, is to know that you can last longer, and this is also a great time to
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  give you my definition of premature ejaculation.
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  Please.
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  I would love to hear it.
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  My definition of premature ejaculation is ejaculating any time sooner than you want it
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  to.
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  So if we're setting new goals here, right, like we're trying to change our mind here, we wanna
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  we wanna create some new goals, you know, is the goal, well, I need to make it to twenty to
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  thirty minutes because that's what the studies say.
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  That's how long it takes a woman to orgasm.
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  Or do I maybe wanna reach a little bit further than that and say, hey.
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  I'm gonna set my goal at I actually have control, and I decide when I want to ejaculate.
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  And I could decide to do it in five minutes, or I could decide to do it in three hours or
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  anywhere in between.
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  Right?
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  And so that's ultimately the goal that you wanna get to, and you just need to know that it
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  is possible.
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  There are people that can do it.
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  I can do it.
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  I've been doing it for a long time.
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  I didn't always know how to do it.
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  I had to learn it just like everybody else, and I have taught many other men how to do it as
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  well.
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  So that's step one, is to really focus on this idea that it is possible, that you can learn to
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  control it, you can choose when you want to ejaculate, and then from there, we can go on,
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  alright, how do we physically train for this?
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  And it's such a good definition because I I think it's really important to not send a set a
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  time oriented goal and a just like control oriented goal of having mastered this so much
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  that, yeah, you you decide when.
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  You decide the moment and having it's it shows, I guess, is the point is it shows just that
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  extreme mastery over one's own body to be able to control to that level.
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  And, you know, in thinking about, like, some of the causes, right, so if we're saying, okay,
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  premature ejaculation as defined by you is ejaculating sooner than you intentionally, you
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  know, want to.
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  So if we're defining it that way and we're saying, well, one reason for this is that that
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  childhood time where we're rushed in the bathroom, men are rushed, boys are rushed, and
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  they are masturbating quickly.
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  Mom and dad don't know about it.
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  Brother, sisters don't know about it, so they can get on with their day.
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  Are there any other big causes that kind of lead to that quickening of that ejaculation
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  that you see come up in your work?
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  Yeah.
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  Another big one that I see, and this one gets a little bit more esoteric, but it really is
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  mastery of moving energy in your body.
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  So there's a couple different ways that we can look at that depending on which, you know,
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  system we're looking at.
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  But, you know, for instance, if we were looking at, you know, the chakra system, you know, I
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  don't wanna get too esoteric, I don't know how how woo woo your audience is, but
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  Oh, we're all over the place.
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  Okay.
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  Some will know the chakra system, other people will not.
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  So the chakra system basically are energy centers in throughout the body.
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  There's seven of them in the body.
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  According to the chakra system, there's more above the body.
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  That's a whole other topic.
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  But the point is is that, you know, your your first chakra, which is generally considered
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  your first or your second depending on which system, generally considered to be the center
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  of your sexual energy.
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  And that's basically where your genitals are located.
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  So the problem is is that you've got this building of sexual energy.
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  Right?
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  And and everybody knows what that feels like.
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  If we wanna talk to men specifically, you know, you've heard the term blue balls.
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  It's like, oh my god.
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  You gotta finish me because I got blue balls.
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  First of all, there is no such thing as blue balls.
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  There's no medical thing called blue balls where your balls are gonna turn blue or
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  anything.
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  What happens is you just get a buildup of sexual energy, and you don't know how to move
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  it through your body.
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  Alright?
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  And so from the perspective of the chakra system, it's like all that energy just gets
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  stuck in one place, and it has to go somewhere eventually.
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  Right?
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  And it explodes out in an ejaculation.
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  So if you can learn to master moving the energy through your body, right, then you can move it
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  up away from your genitals so there isn't so much stimulation down there.
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  Now what's interesting when it comes to chakras, just as a slight aside, you know,
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  modern science has realized, you know, they've mapped, clusters of, nerve density.
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  They found that in the same places these ancient systems talked about energy centers and
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  things like chakras, there is an increased concentration of nerves.
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  So you got a whole bunch of nerves sensing things down there, and this massive buildup of
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  energy, and you don't know how to control it or move it.
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  So one of the keys, aside from the physical retraining of your body, is also learning how
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  to move that energy through your body so it's not all concentrating in your genitals.
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  There are, of course, some other things as well.
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  Remember that sex is a co creation.
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  There are two people involved here.
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  And there are things that she can potentially do to help as well.
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  So when we're talking about premature ejaculation, you know, if I'm working with a
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  man trying to help him solve this, we spend the overwhelming majority of our time working with
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  what can you do to retrain your mind, retrain your body.
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  However, once we've got most of that out of the way, then we have to shift focus a little bit
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  and go, okay.
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  Now, there are some things that your partner is potentially doing that is contributing to this
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  situation.
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  Right?
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  So a couple of those things are, we're talking about energy just now.
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  Well, I'm sure a lot of men listening to this, if when I say it, they'll go, oh, yeah, I I get
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  it.
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  I felt that before, but I didn't know what to call it.
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  There is an idea, well, it's more than just an idea, it's a reality that a woman's energy can
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  pull on you.
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  You feel her energy literally pulling your energy into her.
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  And so, you know, a woman who is more trained, more experienced, who's aware of that energy,
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  she can learn to control that.
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  And so therefore, when she knows you're getting close, she can relax that energy a little bit.
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  And then, you know, if she wants to get you more excited or bring you closer or if she
• 14:19
  wants to simultaneously orgasm with you, she can pull harder on it.
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  Now back to our show.
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  One of the problems is is that a lot of women are not even conscious that they have this
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  ability.
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  And so they're just pulling, pulling, pulling all the time.
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  You know, there's a great example, and this goes way, way back.
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  This is like, oh, man, like twenty years ish probably.
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  I felt like I was pretty accomplished, you know.
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  It's like, I got this mastered, you know.
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  This is long before I was doing this work too.
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  And I I was with this new partner, and I was like, oh, yeah.
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  Alright.
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  And then the first time we had sex, I ejaculated way too early.
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  And I was like, what just happened?
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  I'm like, I'm so good at this.
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  Like, how did that happen?
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  And, you know, I was really thinking about it and thinking about it, and at one point, you
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  know, I sat down and had a conversation with her, which is something that, you know, we'll
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  talk about too.
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  And as we talked about it, one of the things she said to me was, yeah, well, you know what,
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  it's okay.
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  Every partner I've ever had has been the same way.
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  And like this light bulb went off in my head, and I went, that's it.
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  I get it now.
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  That was the first time that light bulb really went off.
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  I go, oh, okay.
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  I know what's happening.
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  Here, work with me.
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  Try this.
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  Yeah.
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  And as soon as she tried that, things shifted.
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  Right?
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  So that's just one small example of how what she's doing, can potentially influence it.
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  I got one more, which is this.
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  We talked about this cycle of how, you know, men are only lasting five to seven minutes.
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  It's taking her, you know, twenty to thirty minutes.
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  So what have most women learned from that experience?
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  Right?
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  What they've learned is if they can even get remotely close to an orgasm, they are going for
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  it.
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  They're like, no, you can't stop.
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  Don't slow down.
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  You've gotta get me there.
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  Why is she doing that?
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  Because she knows if she doesn't, oh, that's it, you know, he's gone, and she never gets to
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  her orgasm.
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  So that has trained a lot of women to really rush towards their orgasm, and generally,
• 17:53
  they're rushing towards a clitoral orgasm because that's the easiest to access for most
• 17:58
  of them.
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  Mhmm.
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  And in many cases, what they're doing is using a vibrator while they're having sex because
• 18:03
  that will get them there faster.
• 18:06
  Mhmm.
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  The problem is is the higher their energy gets, right, the closer to their orgasm they get,
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  she's just pulling him right along with him.
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  And if he's not trained and he can't hold it, boom, there he goes.
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  And she's like, I was so close.
• 18:20
  Yeah.
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  Many people are gonna relate to this story.
• 18:23
  Yeah.
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  So for her, the goal is, and now, of course, you know, this is a give and take, right, and
• 18:27
  it does require skill on his part too, but the goal for her is to relax, to be patient, to
• 18:34
  work with him.
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  Remember, co creation, this thing we call lovemaking.
• 18:38
  When you feel him getting too close, I don't care if you're really close to your orgasm,
• 18:43
  just back it down a little bit.
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  Right?
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  Allow his energy level or his arousal on the arousal scale, which we haven't talked about
• 18:50
  yet, to come back down into his sweet spot where he can control himself again.
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  And if you do that enough times, he'll be able to last long enough and eventually get you
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  there.
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  But if you get impatient and wanna just charge right to it, you're probably gonna take him
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  over the edge.
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  So question about that for you, because this is I do work with a lot of women on this relaxing
• 19:11
  component and help couples as well.
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  And one of the things that I have found, and I wanna understand if you're talking about
• 19:16
  relaxing the way I talk about relaxing, we're talking about the same things here.
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  So oftentimes when I'm teaching stuff like this, I'm actually, you know, teaching women
• 19:24
  how to relax the muscles of their pelvic floor so there's less, like, tightness in their
• 19:30
  vaginal pull on the penis.
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  And is that what you're talking about when you're saying relaxing, or, like, do you teach
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  it from, like, oh, relax the whole body, or, like, what does relaxing like for a woman in
• 19:41
  this situation who's like, okay, I'm gonna try this?
• 19:44
  Like, what does that word relaxing look like at that moment for women?
• 19:48
  Yeah.
• 19:48
  I mean, it can be a relaxing of the vaginal muscles, but there's more to it than that.
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  Because what's happening is her energy level is getting really high, her breathing is starting
• 19:57
  to increase, right, like everything is getting more intense.
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  And so when I say relaxing, I'm really talking about just backing all of that down a couple of
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  notches.
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  Slow your breathing down, right, maybe relax the vaginal muscles.
• 20:12
  Just slow the intensity of the situation down a little bit because he's feeling every bit of
• 20:18
  that from you, which, by the way, is amazing.
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  It's one of the things that I think is just unbelievable about sex is the fact that when
• 20:25
  you, as a woman, get really high in your sexual arousal and energy you know, I always use the
• 20:31
  example.
• 20:32
  I say, it's like sticking your penis in an electrical socket.
• 20:34
  You're just like, you know, it can be super powerful, and that's one of the things that's
• 20:39
  really amazing about it.
• 20:40
  But at the wrong moments, it can very easily just push you right over.
• 20:45
  So it's it's really backing down the whole intensity of it, letting him sort of regroup,
• 20:50
  catch himself again, you know, bring his arousal down, and then you can start to build
• 20:54
  up again.
• 20:55
  So another question I have with that is, like, so for many women, there's this thing of, like,
• 21:01
  okay, what can help them, like, build and also not go over the hill, as some of my clients
• 21:06
  like to talk about orgasm, is kinda same, same, same, so keep doing the same, same, same, same,
• 21:12
  same thing, and then different for a moment, and sometimes that different will prevent going
• 21:17
  over that hill, having that orgasm, and bring them down a notch.
• 21:21
  But there's this thing sometimes for many women, and I know many women listeners will
• 21:25
  relate to this where, okay, well, you bring it you relax too much.
• 21:28
  You bring it down too much, and if orgasm's a 10 and not turned on to zero and we kind of
• 21:34
  ride this sweet spot of, like, seven, eight, right, of, like, keeping it in this kind of,
• 21:39
  like, heightened zone.
• 21:40
  But for many women, if they relax too much, then it can take them down where, like, they
• 21:46
  almost, like, start they're starting their build at the beginning.
• 21:50
  And, you know, that's not necessarily bad.
• 21:52
  Right?
• 21:52
  That's like, okay.
• 21:53
  Well, this is how we make love for longer too, and this is you know, there's there's its own
• 21:57
  version of that.
• 21:59
  But I know women can get really frustrated when it's like, okay.
• 22:01
  You relax too much, and now you're basically building from the beginning.
• 22:05
  So do you work with, like, how much?
• 22:07
  I know I'm getting really granular here, but do you work with, like, how much women need to
• 22:13
  relax and how to help them, like, relax enough where they're lowering their the threshold of
• 22:19
  excitation for the man, but then also at the same time not lowering their threshold so much
• 22:25
  that they're starting to build have to build from the beginning.
• 22:28
  Yeah.
• 22:29
  That's a really good point that you bring up.
• 22:30
  You you you're not supposed to just go cold fish.
• 22:33
  Right.
• 22:33
  Right?
• 22:34
  That's that's not the goal here.
• 22:35
  The goal is to just back it down enough that he's able to recover.
• 22:41
  So you're gonna have to get used to your man and, you know, what that level is.
• 22:46
  So I can't tell you, you know, if on it's a scale of one to 10, you you always gotta go to
• 22:50
  a five or a four or whatever it is.
• 22:52
  Figure out what he needs, and it's actually gonna vary in the moment for him too.
• 22:56
  Some days, he's gonna need you to back it down a little bit more because he's really
• 22:59
  struggling to maintain control.
• 23:01
  In other days, he just needs you to back it down a little bit, like one notch down, and
• 23:06
  he's like, okay.
• 23:08
  Got this.
• 23:08
  Alright.
• 23:08
  Let's go.
• 23:09
  Right?
• 23:09
  So you gotta kinda figure that out.
• 23:11
  And yes, you do want to stay, you know, in your sweet spot, right, so that you're maintaining
• 23:17
  your arousal and your desire throughout.
• 23:20
  But you may have to work with them, and also, you know, it's not just an up and then down.
• 23:25
  Right?
• 23:26
  It's waves.
• 23:27
  It's waves.
• 23:28
  Right?
• 23:28
  Waves of intensity up and waves of intensity down, and this is, again, the beauty of what
• 23:34
  sex can be when both of you have mastered this and you learn how to ride the waves.
• 23:41
  You can ride them for as long as you want.
• 23:44
  And you can start to get to places where, yes, you're riding waves up and down, but the waves
• 23:48
  keep getting more and more and more intense, but you're still in control as they go.
• 23:53
  This is the whole idea of, you know, what we would call tantric sex, which is that there is
• 23:58
  no destination.
• 23:59
  You're not trying to rush towards an orgasm if you're a woman or an ejaculation slash orgasm
• 24:05
  if you're a man.
• 24:06
  By the way, men, those are two different things that tend to happen at the same time.
• 24:09
  We can talk about that too if we want, but you can learn to separate them.
• 24:13
  But that's what we're talking about is it is the act of making love.
• 24:17
  It is not the race to orgasm.
• 24:22
  Yeah.
• 24:22
  Thank you for that, and I know we're we're out of time for this episode, but I think in our
• 24:26
  next episode, which everybody make sure you go to the link below this video to access episode
• 24:32
  number two.
• 24:33
  But I do think in the next episode, let's talk a little bit about orgasm versus ejaculation
• 24:37
  component and separating that.
• 24:39
  And then we're also gonna talk about in the next episode how to talk to your partner about
• 24:45
  ejaculatory imbalances, as we wanna call them, or just how to last longer.
• 24:49
  And I wanna make sure we cover in this if, like, if you're a woman, how to talk about this
• 24:54
  to your man without bringing shame, these sorts of things, and vice versa, just bidirectionally
• 25:00
  how to to chat about this in a way that's constructive and kind and loving and is not
• 25:04
  gonna create a psychological, challenge on on top of it.
• 25:09
  Before we do that, though, before we wrap up and get everybody over to part two, which again
• 25:15
  is below the video here, everybody, How can people find you?
• 25:19
  I wanna make sure that people know about your vault where you have a ton of free resources.
• 25:23
  You just gave us a ton of information.
• 25:25
  I know you have tons more free giveaways, so can you please talk a little bit about that for
• 25:29
  everybody?
• 25:30
  Sure.
• 25:31
  The best way to find me and my work is to go to kevinanthonycoaching.com, and specifically, if
• 25:35
  you go to kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault, you can find my free library of resources.
• 25:41
  It is basically a library, and it's PDFs, it's got blog articles, it's got videos, all things
• 25:47
  around helping you have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life, and
• 25:52
  there are resources in there about sexual mastery as well.
• 25:57
  Amazing.
• 25:57
  And we will have all those links in the show notes for you guys.
• 26:00
  So thank you so much, Kevin, for being here.
• 26:03
  Thank you everybody for tuning in to another episode of the lounge, and we'll see you all
• 26:07
  next time.
• 26:11
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 26:13
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 26:15
  Please share this with your friends.
• 26:17
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.