Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Hotter You Think Your Wife Is, The Hotter She Gets

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The Hotter You Think Your Wife Is, The Hotter She Gets · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor psych
• 0:08
  mom show. Today, we're going to be talking
• 0:11
  about how the hotter, you think. Your wife is the hotter.
• 0:14
  She gets in a virtuous cycle of increasing hotness.
• 0:18
  We will talk about what I mean by that.
• 0:21
  It is not a magic trick at all is something that I have
• 0:24
  observed in the natural environment throughout all of
• 0:28
  my, my career working with couples and just generally in
• 0:30
  the world before that, of course, do subscribe the most
• 0:35
  It's, I've talked about the most recent one.
• 0:36
  How about the upcoming one? The upcoming one is going to be
• 0:39
  about how your wife didn't marry you when you were a big swinging
• 0:42
  dick. So for a lot of guys who got
• 0:44
  more successful in or around midlife frequently, there are
• 0:47
  personality changes that are concomitant with that Financial
• 0:52
  change and general achievement recognition.
• 0:56
  That your wife may not be so keen on because she didn't after
• 0:59
  all marry you when you were super successful.
• 1:02
  So you got to think that, you know, there are things She liked
• 1:05
  about you before the may not be coming out as much at this stage
• 1:09
  and when guys can understand this it frequently helps them
• 1:12
  make sense of a lot of weird and confusing things such as that
• 1:17
  the more everybody else seems to admire them the less their wife
• 1:20
  does. All right.
• 1:21
  Moving on to today's topic so it is kind of an interesting
• 1:27
  phenomenon that the women that seem to have a.
• 1:31
  Here's here's an on Trend, this probably not even on Trends
• 1:34
  anymore. It was Ali, I tried like five
• 1:36
  years ago. Women that seem to have a glow
• 1:38
  up in a mid life or in their 30s or whatever, you know, meaning
• 1:44
  that they get hotter, they seem to look more attractive than
• 1:48
  they did when they were younger. They always seem to have a door
• 1:51
  and husbands and maybe if you're a guy, then you could be like oh
• 1:55
  well you know of course they do because the guy adores them
• 1:59
  cause they're so hot cause they've got more hot probably
• 2:03
  when they were less hot guy liked him a little less.
• 2:06
  Oh, contraire mon frere, it is frequently quite different than
• 2:09
  that frequently. These women are the women who
• 2:12
  just like everybody else had kind of a little down.
• 2:15
  Swing it attractiveness when they were, like, nursing
• 2:18
  pregnant had multiple children. Etc.
• 2:22
  Really doesn't number two, you with the guy I always thought
• 2:26
  they were super hot. He's like always thought they
• 2:28
  were hot. He thought she was hot before
• 2:30
  kids. You think she's hot after kids.
• 2:32
  He think she just really really hot which speaks to of Of
• 2:35
  course, my podcast and post men need to think their wives are
• 2:39
  really hot for things to work in, so he's like always adoring.
• 2:42
  So then when it comes to a time where she has more, you know,
• 2:47
  bandwidth more hours in the day Etc because the kids aren't so
• 2:51
  little anymore. You know, what does she do?
• 2:53
  Sometimes she gets new clothes. Sometimes she gets to the gym
• 2:58
  when she didn't used to be able to go.
• 2:59
  Sometimes she gets new makeup or she decides to do something
• 3:02
  totally different to her hair, or she decides that she's going
• 3:05
  to dress. Sexier now that she's older and
• 3:07
  more confident and whatever. But the thing that also makes
• 3:10
  her more confident is that the guy has always been really
• 3:13
  adoring, you know, and this also can happen to women after they
• 3:16
  divorced, but that's because they're getting a lot of
• 3:18
  positive feedback on The Dating market.
• 3:20
  So you know, like a lot of women there in these marriages kind of
• 3:24
  the guy doesn't really give a shit you know and don't think
• 3:27
  that means he doesn't want to have sex because that's like you
• 3:29
  know, only 20% of guys are going to be the lower libido partner,
• 3:33
  which is not nothing, but it is Only there's four out of five
• 3:36
  then who are the higher libido partner so they're usually
• 3:39
  pursuing the wives for sex. That's not a thing but they're
• 3:42
  just not being very adoring, they don't say wow.
• 3:46
  When she comes in the room, they don't talk about how hot she is.
• 3:49
  They don't have any different reaction when she's in yoga
• 3:53
  pants or when she's dressed up. And now I did do a whole podcast
• 3:57
  on why women want you to have preferences in how they look,
• 4:00
  and I'll weave that in a second because you may be like, but I'm
• 4:04
  supposed to think that she's Hat when she's in yoga pants and
• 4:07
  when she is you know, dress up for black tie event.
• 4:09
  No you're not you're not you're just not but I'll talk about
• 4:15
  that in a second. But anyway, these women they
• 4:18
  have the confidence of knowing that their husbands think that
• 4:22
  they're gorgeous like all the time.
• 4:24
  So then they can take these kind of risks to go out on a limb and
• 4:28
  dress different or or dress more trendy, or dress more sexy or
• 4:33
  you know, try to change their A body or their hair or something
• 4:37
  because they know that the guys going to think that they look
• 4:39
  hot no matter what you need to have is the same thing with
• 4:42
  parenting. You know, if your kid doesn't
• 4:44
  think that you respect them and you love them, no matter what,
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  they are not going to achieve and be their best self, you
• 4:50
  know. Like it's not like a kid thinks,
• 4:52
  well mommy doesn't love me. So what I'm going to do is I'm
• 4:55
  going to be like really, really good, so that Mommy loves me,
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  some kids may be think like that, but the majority of kids
• 5:02
  basically especially by adolescents get to Fuck you,
• 5:06
  mommy, you know, you never loved me.
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  Well now let's really see what a bad kid is, and they external
• 5:12
  eyes and they start acting out and doing all sorts of shit
• 5:14
  because they don't feel like the mom really gives a shit anyway.
• 5:17
  You know, and, you know, and unfortunately this is something
• 5:21
  that I frequently see with adult children of dysfunctional
• 5:23
  families that they had a very rebellious phase that isn't
• 5:26
  Everybody. By the way, all teens, don't you
• 5:28
  know completely lose their shit and when they do, it's
• 5:32
  frequently because there's animosity with a parent,
• 5:34
  obviously doesn't have to be mommy for Equally boys, it's
• 5:36
  Daddy with girls, it's Mommy but anyway the less accepted and
• 5:39
  loved a child. Feels for who they are at their
• 5:41
  core. The less they're going to try
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  because the more hopeless and resentful they feel so they're
• 5:46
  specifically not going to do what the parent likes.
• 5:49
  If you think your parents only going to love you, if you get
• 5:51
  good grades at some point, many people will say fuck you to the
• 5:54
  good grades because of just resentment.
• 5:57
  They're like, yeah, that's the only thing that's important to
• 5:59
  you will. Then I won't give it to you.
• 6:01
  I won't give you a kid that does well, right?
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  So it's very much the same. Analogy and I frequently
• 6:06
  discussed it's extremely important to get outside your
• 6:09
  comfort zone and understand the profound overlap between the
• 6:13
  attachment between a parent, a child and that between adults in
• 6:17
  a romantic relationship. So when you're young, your
• 6:20
  attachment figure is the parent. And when you're older, it's the
• 6:22
  intimate partner. And when people tell themselves,
• 6:25
  there's no overlap between those relationships or there shouldn't
• 6:28
  be. They usually have pretty bad
• 6:30
  marriages because caretaking is an integral part bi-directional.
• 6:35
  So We'll take turns, but it's an integral part of fulfilling
• 6:39
  adult relationship. That's what everybody really
• 6:41
  wants on a, in a core way. Is that unconditional love that
• 6:45
  apparent. Hopefully gave them.
• 6:46
  And maybe if not, then that they never got from a parent, right?
• 6:51
  So and you could listen to all my stuff on repair and thing and
• 6:54
  whatever else about that and basically everything on
• 6:56
  attachment Theory. But so when a woman feels that
• 7:01
  she has to like maybe only be a certain way for the husband to
• 7:04
  find her. I give, like, let's say she has
• 7:06
  to be skinny. Do you think that then she
• 7:08
  becomes skinny? Fuck no, not it.
• 7:10
  Not unless she has like literally zero confidence.
• 7:13
  Actually, it can go either way even if she has zero confidence
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  because she could get very hopeless.
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  And basically feel like there's just no way that she could ever
• 7:23
  match what he want. Or she could do what I said the
• 7:25
  teenager does and say fuck you. If that's all that you care
• 7:28
  about then I'm going to do the opposite and basically if the
• 7:33
  woman has a little more confidence then she's like screw
• 7:36
  you. I don't want to be with a man
• 7:37
  who would only like me if I was skinny for example, right?
• 7:40
  Or if I only dress a certain way or if I have my hair a certain
• 7:43
  way or whatever. But then you may say, what about
• 7:46
  the idea that men are supposed to have preferences, which you
• 7:49
  alluded to even just earlier in this episode in which you have
• 7:52
  an entire episode on. And I know it because I
• 7:55
  hypothetical listener, I'm an avid rabid doctor.
• 7:59
  Psych, mom, show fan. So yeah, making a preferences.
• 8:04
  They kept their Special thing that they like, but the default
• 8:08
  person also has to be good, you know?
• 8:11
  Just like the parenting analogy. Sure.
• 8:13
  You could love it if your kid gets a pluses, but if they come
• 8:17
  home with all apps, you can not love them.
• 8:19
  You know what I mean? So like, yeah, like, if you
• 8:21
  could like it better, if your wife dropped 20 pounds and women
• 8:24
  like it better, if the husband drop 20 pounds, unless, of
• 8:27
  course, we're talking about a situation where there were
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  already too skinny, or whatever, I mean, men and women are
• 8:31
  equally shallow in many ways. And I discussed this frequently
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  on my My blog and everywhere else, but you got to love them
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  and find them attractive. Anyway, if you don't, then
• 8:42
  they're not going to try. They're like actually going to
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  try less because they feel so resentful and hopeless.
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  So the women that actually seem to want and and this by the way,
• 8:53
  is not all about losing weight or any such thing.
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  The number one thing that I see that men really want, because
• 9:00
  most men do think that their wives are attractive.
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  He's for the wife, to dress and act, Sexier and more confident.
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  So they think that she's hot, that's fine.
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  But what really would wow them is for her to dress up for them,
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  to try to be more attractive for them in kind of the same sort of
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  way as she did when they were dating, although possibly quite
• 9:20
  different clothes, different, you know, style, whatever some
• 9:23
  men, like the same style. But the idea is that she's
• 9:26
  trying to be even like like sexier for them specifically.
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  And of course men like that women like it to the Man dresses
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  up. For a date with this is a big
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  thing. I talk about a couples
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  counseling. Get a haircut go get some
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  clothes that she likes. Let her pick out the clothes,
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  even better. Women, hate sloppy, right.
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  So men, like sexy, most many men like women to wear, whatever it
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  is that they find sexy for some men.
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  It is the yoga pants. Look for some, and it's dressing
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  up in a short skirt, whatever the case may be lingerie is a
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  big one, whatever, but she's never going to do that unless
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  you already think she's hot and your adoring if you already
• 10:03
  think that she walks on water then.
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  Idea that like she could like just totally knock your socks
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  off by dressing in his other specific way that you
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  specifically. Like she's going to want to do
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  that. Who wouldn't to get an awesome
• 10:17
  reaction to get like you to fall down because you're like so
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  amazed at how she looks, you know, Tick-Tock does this
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  awesome? There was a funny, take that guy
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  showed my husband the other day about the woman.
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  Got her nails done. You know, obviously this is
• 10:33
  acted out and And, and the caption was how your wife
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  expects, you or wants you to act when she gets her nails done?
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  It's a woman comes in. These people are like in their
• 10:43
  twenties. Obviously, and this is when
• 10:45
  women are more obvious about this and and whatever.
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  And as they get older, they care less what you think.
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  But also they don't want to care as much.
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  It doesn't feel as as good anymore to put yourself out
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  there so mostly you know in their 20s, people will still be
• 11:02
  very obvious about this stuff so she comes over.
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  Act it out with her manicure. And she shows it to him at his
• 11:09
  like he falls down, you know, on the floor.
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  And he's like, you know, what did he gets up and he shakes it
• 11:15
  off to you runs outside to like, hey, somebody come look at
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  harmonica already finds this guy off the street and drags him
• 11:23
  into the house. They're both looking at it and
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  marveling at it, right? And so it was funny, Tick-Tock
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  there's many that are in that vein.
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  And the point of it was that women generally want and be
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  enthusiastic response to something that they cry with
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  their looks. And I know you're thinking, I
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  don't give a shit if she even has fingers at all.
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  Never mind what color finger nails are painted.
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  You know like it's not anything to me but if you don't act nice
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  about her attempt and you're not loving and very supportive and
• 11:56
  enthusiastic about her attempts to get outside her comfort zone
• 11:59
  with her looks in anyway and try something new.
• 12:02
  And this woman in the Tic Tac had like a manicure.
• 12:04
  Was she Like all the nails a different color which is a trend
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  and he doesn't give a shit. He probably thinks it looks like
• 12:10
  an Easter egg basket how her nails were painted but if he
• 12:14
  obviously in an equivalent that was actually in reality not
• 12:17
  something acted. But if this man was like, oh my
• 12:19
  God, this is so cute. You always, you know, dressed so
• 12:22
  nice. Like that's so great.
• 12:24
  You're always so, well, put together whatever the fuck he
• 12:27
  could say, whatever he could think to say about it, she's
• 12:30
  gonna smile and she's going to feel loved.
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  And then, you know what? She's probably gonna go out on a
• 12:34
  limb. I'm in a different way that he
• 12:36
  may really like something that he may have even said.
• 12:39
  So it sounds so crazy to a man I understand what sound like I
• 12:43
  lost my mind but if your woman just had a manicure pedicure,
• 12:47
  she's like 10,000 times more likely to dress up in lingerie
• 12:51
  drawer. Like what, what the fuck does
• 12:53
  that have to do with anything the body parts that I see?
• 12:55
  Lingerie are not her. Fingers and toes.
• 12:58
  It doesn't matter. She feels confident.
• 13:00
  She feels well put together. She feels hot.
• 13:04
  She feels sexy. So she's gonna do something
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  else. So if you are positive and this
• 13:09
  is just how you reward any Behavior, really?
• 13:12
  It's, you know, a proxy successive approximations to the
• 13:15
  mean to the desired behavior is what it's called in Behavior
• 13:19
  Theory, right? So when you're training a dog,
• 13:22
  you know, you want the dog to jump in the air?
• 13:25
  Will you don't only reward that I jump in the air?
• 13:28
  How the hell is a dog? In a note to do that the dog
• 13:31
  sits up. You give it a tree when the dog
• 13:33
  puts one hand in the air. You give it a tree.
• 13:35
  Maybe it moves its whole body, you give it a treat.
• 13:37
  Finally finally it's jumping, right?
• 13:39
  So it's the same kind of thing here.
• 13:41
  When your wife at all gets outside her comfort zone, be
• 13:44
  very, very appreciative. Even if you think it has
• 13:46
  absolutely nothing to do with our looks positive for you at
• 13:49
  all, because you could give a shit about her nails, or her
• 13:52
  hair or whatever. The case may be fine.
• 13:56
  Now, you may say, but what about, if all of her things are
• 13:59
  that she now realizes that she's given, she's the patriarchy was
• 14:05
  Can her do her hair. The patriarchy was making her do
• 14:08
  her nails. The patriarchy was making her
• 14:10
  wear, underwire bras, and heels. So, and songs and whatever.
• 14:14
  And now she's going to only wear clothes that look like, you
• 14:18
  know, we're in some utopian futuristic, you know, movie
• 14:24
  about like a planet, where everybody is like a gender, you
• 14:27
  know, this is a good point, right?
• 14:29
  And it's something that, you know, a lot of people grapple
• 14:32
  with is that the wife has repudiated the eye.
• 14:35
  Ideals of what the man considered mutually agreed upon,
• 14:40
  you know, feminine, you know, signifiers, right.
• 14:45
  So he thought the both of them liked her too.
• 14:47
  You know, dye her hair and be blond and whatever.
• 14:51
  But it turns out that she says, I only like that because and she
• 14:55
  rewrites history. As many people do when they feel
• 14:57
  differently, her estrogen tanks and whatever.
• 14:59
  And she says, you know what, I never fucking like doing that
• 15:01
  which, of course, going to the hair salon is you know, hell on
• 15:04
  Earth. I He did anybody, who likes to
• 15:07
  get shit done hate sitting at the day at the hair salon but
• 15:10
  now she's like, you know, I never liked it, which is
• 15:12
  probably half, right? Half, not right.
• 15:14
  But now she doesn't like it. That's for sure.
• 15:16
  Agreed upon well within the constraints of how your marriage
• 15:21
  is. Otherwise you may have more or
• 15:23
  less leeway to say something about this you and if you have
• 15:26
  always been loving and affirming and positive and knocked, and
• 15:31
  your socks are knocked off by her attempt to change, then you
• 15:35
  Know what you could come forward and be like, okay, you know,
• 15:38
  sweetheart, I love you. No matter what, obviously I
• 15:41
  really love the blond hair though that's so hot.
• 15:44
  That's like some of my, you know.
• 15:45
  Best memories are looking at you with your blond hair.
• 15:48
  I remember this dress, you wore. I remember this.
• 15:51
  I remember that. I know you're not as into it but
• 15:53
  like you know, for what it's worth.
• 15:54
  If you ever decide to go back, it's like I think it's super
• 15:58
  hot, you know, like that, that shows I love you.
• 16:02
  I love you unconditionally. I also have this preference and
• 16:05
  I am going to be wowed, if you do it, many women that I work
• 16:09
  with, in counseling couples, counseling response, so much
• 16:12
  better. Ironically, if the guy posit
• 16:15
  something as a fetish almost literally closer to a fetish,
• 16:19
  then, of course, you should do this to go up to Baseline.
• 16:23
  You would think but my wife hates sex.
• 16:25
  So, wouldn't you hate a fetish. You know what, everybody likes
• 16:28
  to think of themselves as open-minded, you know, your wife
• 16:30
  does to you probably not as open-minded as you think yet.
• 16:33
  You would be very complimented if I I said that you were so
• 16:36
  people like to be open-minded. So if you're like, if, if you
• 16:39
  were like, man, I just love blond hair and it's like so hot
• 16:43
  to me and, like, whatever whatever.
• 16:45
  And it's like, you know, I like seeing you in bed with your
• 16:47
  blond hair, whatever, you know, when you course, you smart
• 16:51
  enough to insert anything that you like in this sentence,
• 16:55
  right? Blond hair that broad underwear,
• 16:58
  whatever. Then it's like she thinks we'll.
• 17:02
  All right, he likes this thing. I don't like, This thing as
• 17:05
  much. Maybe I'll do this thing for
• 17:08
  him. I'm not gonna do it though.
• 17:10
  If he tells me, basically, why are you doing that?
• 17:12
  It's like, you're acting older than you are.
• 17:15
  That is a character assassination value judgment.
• 17:18
  Sounds like an asshole. She's gonna think he is part of
• 17:21
  the fucking patriarchy, and that's going to go nowhere fast.
• 17:24
  And I've seen it, go nowhere fast.
• 17:25
  But if he uniquely says that, she is beautiful and even more
• 17:32
  impressive and amazing in this. Pacific outfit with this
• 17:36
  specific hair. Doing this specific thing, women
• 17:39
  are much more open to that because it shows that there is a
• 17:42
  world in which they become like an, A plus plus, plus wife
• 17:45
  versus one in which he just doesn't think of them as going
• 17:49
  into an early grave. You know, I mean, so it's like
• 17:51
  quite a big difference. So if you want to think about
• 17:55
  this, utilize it for, you know, the sake of good both parts, so
• 18:00
  be more open about what you like, but don't do that, unless
• 18:03
  you have started to be overall. All a fuckload more
• 18:06
  complimentary like every time she comes down in the morning,
• 18:10
  you say how beautiful she looks. If you cannot do that, if it's
• 18:14
  literally, you can't do it. I have a podcast about a guy who
• 18:17
  said he just couldn't call his wife.
• 18:19
  Beautiful. Because she was overweight, it's
• 18:20
  like, early and my podcast and season one, you should look
• 18:22
  about it. It probably has the word
• 18:24
  beautiful in the titles. If you search and Spotify
• 18:27
  doctors like Mom show, beautiful, but you'll hear what
• 18:31
  I think about that. But if you really so, not
• 18:34
  attracted to your wife, That all she could ever do at this
• 18:37
  juncture, is try to get up to Baseline.
• 18:38
  Well, then she's picking up on that and she is like the unloved
• 18:42
  child that I had analogously earlier, not gonna do shit for
• 18:46
  you, you know? So at that point, if it's really
• 18:49
  at the point, we were completely out of any sort of physical love
• 18:53
  with your wife, you got to go to therapy and think about your
• 18:55
  next steps, because she's picking up on it.
• 18:57
  And her self-esteem is going worse, and worse and worse.
• 19:00
  Like a vicious cycle rather than The Virtuous cycle of.
• 19:03
  Oh my God, my husband thinks. I'm so hot.
• 19:05
  Wouldn't he think I was even hotter in this low cut shirt,
• 19:07
  teehee. I'm gonna try this new fun
• 19:10
  thing. You know, 40s my year, you know,
• 19:13
  how women are so looking for real.
• 19:16
  Like that is like, literally what I hear is like 40 skin be
• 19:20
  my year, I'm gonna go outside my comfort zone, I'm going like I'm
• 19:23
  wearing new stuff, that's great, awesome.
• 19:26
  Like all of us have thought that you know and like if you already
• 19:30
  have a husband that thinks that you're hot, then you want to try
• 19:32
  anything like you'll do by the way.
• 19:35
  Like the number one search or one of the number one searches
• 19:37
  on PornHub, is hot wife. So a lot of guys secretly or not
• 19:42
  secretly, have the fantasy that other men would have sex with or
• 19:45
  at the very least want to have sex with their wives.
• 19:48
  So go in and out looking, super hot on his arm is a fantasy that
• 19:53
  many men have and some like to think about things going beyond
• 19:56
  that and some don't. But I mean you know, if that was
• 19:59
  the only more soul that you got from this podcast, it's worth
• 20:02
  the free price of admission anyway.
• 20:05
  So, yeah. So it's not abnormal for your
• 20:08
  husband's. Want you to look hot and it's
• 20:09
  not abnormal for women to want to try to look sexier as they
• 20:12
  get older, within the context of an already loving affirming
• 20:18
  confidence producing relationship, you know.
• 20:22
  And if you're like, yeah, right. There's a man that complement
• 20:24
  their wives every day. Fuck.
• 20:26
  Yes. There are.
• 20:26
  There totally are. And they're like too busy
• 20:29
  getting laid to, like, talk to you about the details of their
• 20:33
  marriage, but their most certainly, We are men that do
• 20:36
  that. They have wives who feel very
• 20:38
  secure and who are much more willing to try new outfit and do
• 20:42
  this and do that. So, if you are a man and on
• 20:44
  Facebook, you see some of your cohort of women that you used to
• 20:48
  know and whatever and they're dressed in like a sexy mini
• 20:51
  dress in your life. Why doesn't my wife dressed like
• 20:53
  that my wife so fucking annoying up?
• 20:55
  Stick-in-the-mud think it think about it differently?
• 20:58
  Think do I make my wife want to put herself out there have the
• 21:02
  courage to put herself out there in Facebook because no matter
• 21:05
  What anybody says I'm going to be drooling over it.
• 21:07
  If not if I'm not that kind of unconditionally loving and
• 21:10
  supportive guy, maybe the woman I'm seeing on Facebook, has one
• 21:14
  of those behind the scene. And that's why she's willing to
• 21:16
  act hot because no matter what the hell she does, she's just
• 21:19
  going from an A, to an, A plus, plus plus rather, than, from a
• 21:22
  c-minus to maybe a b, which in that case, fuck the be, who
• 21:26
  cares day to see - all right. Hopefully, this was interesting
• 21:30
  and possibly even entertaining as I hope for all of these
• 21:34
  podcasts. And I'll talk Talk to you soon.
• 21:35
  Bye bye.