Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Kash Patel's New Animal Loving Hiring Policy & Hegseth's Erection Focus

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Kash Patel's New Animal Loving Hiring Policy & Hegseth's Erection Focus · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

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  Hegg's breath is still flaccid in the polls,
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  but it didn't stop him from monitoring other
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  men's erections. Trump bans CNN, while one female
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  reporter did the unthinkable, refused to smile.
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  That's right, Heggers is going to be checking
• 0:16
  the troops for morning erections. In a special,
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  fragile masculinity edition of Breaking Absurdity,
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  we've got Trump's disdain for women who actually
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  challenge him. whatever this is, and Cash Patel
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  adds a new meaning to the term companion animal.
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  It's breaking absurdity, everything you didn't
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  know you needed to know today, but wish you had
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  it. Ads help keep the lights on here at It's
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  Not Satire. But if ads give you the ick, let
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  me help you with that. If you want all the absurdity
• 0:42
  without the ads, subscribe to my sub stack and
• 0:44
  look for the ad -free podcast option. The link
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  is in the show notes. Now let's get into the
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  absurdity. So a Republican lawmaker just forced
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  a vote in the House of Representatives on the
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  impeachment of Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.
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  So how did we get here? I mean, this is one of
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  Donald Trump's signature appointments. He always
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  said Pete Hegseth was from central casting. It
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  comes down to the Iran war. Thomas Massey, Republican
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  lawmaker, actually brought the articles of impeachment
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  and he did it in secret. He told CNN why Pete
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  Hegseth should be impeached. This is a hot war.
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  This could become a nuclear war. And in the interim,
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  even if it doesn't, there are civilian casualties
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  that are racking up greater than they would have
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  otherwise, because another one of my articles
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  of impeachment shows that Peter Hegseth has degraded
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  the ability of the DOD to minimize civilian casualties.
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  He asked Congress to repeal a law that requires
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  him to minimize civilian casualties. Congress
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  didn't do it, so he went ahead and did it on
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  his own within the DOD. And the results were
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  predictable. That's why 200 school kids were
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  killed in the first attack on Iran. Massey is
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  talking about that school in Manab, Iran, where
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  120 children were killed. And the U .S. has not
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  taken responsibility for it, yet military investigators
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  think it probably was the U .S. military that
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  did it. And it's not just Congress that has problems
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  with Hegseth. Apparently, it's also the American
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  people. Harry Inton on CNN did not mince words.
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  Who hates Hegseth and basically everyone if you're
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  in the American public? No wonder. No wonder
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  the speaker sent everybody home, because just
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  take a look here. Okay. Excess net approval,
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  you know, back before the Iran war started back
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  in January of 2026, right? It was minus nine
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  points. You think that's low? Look at this. He's
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  more than twice as unpopular, nearly three times
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  as unpopular now in his net approval rating,
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  minus 25 points. How about among independents?
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  You think that minus nine is low? How about minus
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  20 before the war started? You think that minus
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  20 is low? How about minus 43 points among independents
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  now? No wonder, no wonder, no wonder Speaker
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  Johnson did not So you've got Republican lawmakers
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  bringing articles of impeachment in the cloak
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  of darkness. And then you've also got the American
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  people who actually don't have any faith in what
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  he's doing. And as Harry Inton said, they're
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  not actually going to hold this vote. That's
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  because Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House,
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  sent everybody home. That's right. Instead of
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  voting on the impeachment proceedings, they're
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  all going to go on a two -month holiday. And
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  they're not going to vote on this until after
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  the midterm election. So Mike Johnson thought,
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  amidst a historically unpopular Secretary of
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  War, members of Congress that want to impeach
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  him, the only logical thing to do was hold off
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  on this vote for another two months. So actually,
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  Congress went limp and delayed the vote. You're
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  gonna get that joke in a couple of minutes, so
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  hang with me. It's not really a voting strategy
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  as much as it is delaying the inevitable. And
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  here's where things take a really absurd turn.
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  Just after we found out about these articles
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  of impeachment, Pete Hegseth testosterone rules
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  came out. We got to look at them specifically,
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  and there's some really interesting things in
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  there. Essentially, the military doctors are
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  going to start tracking certain symptoms, including
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  erectile dysfunction, reduced sexual desire,
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  unexplained loss of muscle, among other things,
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  but there's one that really stood out to the
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  folks on the internet, namely loss of morning
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  erections. That's right, friends, Pete Hegseth
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  is really concerned that when military servicemen
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  wake up, that their tents must be fully pitched.
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  And if they're not, our secretary of war wants
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  to know about it. I think we've hit peak absurdity
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  folks, but here's the real question. Given how
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  unpopular he is, given how congress wants to
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  impeach him, And now I think you get the impotence
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  joke because Congress has really gone limp under
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  Mike Johnson's leadership. Given how he's basically
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  just a complete clown on the internet, why does
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  he think that this is the thing that's going
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  to save him? Does he honestly think that a testosterone
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  boost is going to somehow broker diplomatic peace
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  and Iran in the war, reduce gas prices, and suddenly
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  make people take him seriously? We don't know
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  people, but what we do know is that Donald Trump
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  really likes the way Pete looks on TV. And we
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  know from Trump's repeated comments that that's
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  really one of the reasons why he was appointed.
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  Although I don't know if Trump saw this video
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  before the appointment was made. Ew. That's nasty,
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  Pete. You just wiped your nose and wiped it into
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  your hair. That was definitely not a from central
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  casting moment as Trump always says and neither
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  was this one I'm not sure if that's meant to
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  be an exercise or rejected ballet audition Moving
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  on to the next fragile ego in the Trump ecosystem
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  is actually Trump himself Because Trump just
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  announced that CNN Politico and MSNOW are no
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  longer welcome back in the White House And immediately
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  thereafter, reporters were in the Oval Office
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  asking him if this was actually constitutional.
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  Earlier today, you posted that you intend to
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  ban CNN, Politico, and MSNOW from the White House.
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  Every president takes an oath to uphold the Constitution,
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  which includes the First Amendment. I do too.
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  Much more so than you. Because they're fake news.
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  You get so tired of reading and seeing fake news.
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  When you look at CNN, it's just fake. That's
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  why their ratings are no good. When you look
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  at MSNOW, which used to be MSNBC, which some
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  people called MSDNC, Democratic National Committee.
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  But our country has to have honest news. And
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  you know what you need? You need a free press.
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  You need a fair press and an honest business.
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  A very dramatic decision from a very dramatic
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  president simply banning news outlets for what
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  he perceives as negative reporting. Well, it's
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  not lost on me that there's a certain reporter
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  from one of those news outlets that really got
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  under Trump's skin. It was a female reporter,
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  a female reporter who didn't do something Trump
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  specifically asked her to do repeatedly. That's
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  right. I'm talking about CNN's one and only Caitlin
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  Collins. Here's a famous clip of when Trump lashed
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  out at Caitlin for not doing that one thing that
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  he specifically asked. CNN's a very corrupt organization,
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  but with a corrupt reporter standing right there,
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  never smiles. You never see a young, beautiful
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  woman, never smiles. I never see a smile off
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  her face. I see her standing there with hatred
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  in her eyes, like she has hatred because we have
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  borders. And I'm sure you've put two and two
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  together by now. Trump didn't like that Kaitlyn
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  Collins never smiled. And this situation has
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  happened multiple times. So a female reporter
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  can't go into the Oval Office without a smile
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  on her face. And that says more about President
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  Trump than it does about Kaitlyn Collins because
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  Kaitlyn Collins was just doing her job and asking
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  him questions about Epstein and other serious
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  topics that if she were to smile while asking
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  them would be a bit creepy and awkward. So No
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  wonder Caitlin goes in there and just does her
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  job. She's the one actually having to ask Trump
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  seriously awkward questions. Trump's probably
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  getting confused because he turns to one side
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  and he has Natalie Harp literally doing whatever
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  he wants her to do with a huge bunny boiler smile
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  on her face to Caitlin Collins, who is not smiling,
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  asking him serious questions and demanding accountability.
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  Of course, I'm not trying to rationalize, but
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  I am just trying to understand what's going through
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  that increasingly confused head of his. And speaking
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  of confused, I'm just going to leave this clip
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  here because I don't know what to make of it.
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  Although listen to what Trump says right about
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  here. Okay, look at the hands. Yeah, that was
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  Trump in his gold adorned Oval Office talking
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  about somebody's hands. We don't know if they're
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  his hands or somebody else's hands. But I just
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  thought that was worth noting given the focus
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  of today's episode and also Trump's notoriously
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  massive focus on his very questionably small
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  -sized hands. Speaking of other humans with small
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  features, Cash Patel got into a very bizarre
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  back and forth with a certain Kennedy on a topic
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  I haven't heard discussed since Clarence Thomas's
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  congressional hearing. I'm just gonna let the
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  clip do the work on this one. What about the
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  bestiality? Same thing, because the regs wrote
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  it up in a fashion before I arrived that addressed
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  prostitution, bestiality, and trafficking. That's
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  right, friends. You heard correctly. This hearing
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  went there. And there was some massive confusion
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  about what role everyone was playing in this
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  bizarre scenario. Tell me what it said before.
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  It automatically disqualified any individual
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  who participated on either side of it. Obviously
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  we are never going to hire the criminal side
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  of what the bestiality. Yes, so you disqualified
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  the animal Well, I don't think we have great
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  canines, but we're not gonna disqualify I understand
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  so we're not gonna punish who was on either side
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  of it I just have a question cash. Which side
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  of it are you on? I'm trying to understand why
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  you did this have you this is not directed at
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  you, mr. Director And I understand the game.
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  People try to make you look bad. Well, that's
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  not very hard to do. We do the same thing when
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  the other party's in office. And all this stuff
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  has really hurt the FBI. Your political point
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  of view matters. Why would you even get into
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  bestiality? Honestly, it's a really good question
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  and one that I don't think anyone could see coming
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  today. We are not into bestiality, but a lot
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  of these individuals. I know you're not but you
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  changed. But I'm trying to explain it. Hang on.
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  You changed the qualifications and mentioned
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  bestiality. If Joe participated in bestiality,
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  not as the animal but as the human, don't you
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  think he ought to be qualified, disqualified?
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  if he voluntarily did it sure but if he was trafficked
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  into it okay how do you involuntarily do how
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  you involuntarily participate in that situation
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  is probably something that none of us had considered
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  today but when the internet heard the focus of
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  that hearing i think a lot of people had another
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  thing they needed to say about cash patel because
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  a meme appeared on the internet of cash and his
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  famously white eyes next to a sheep in a wedding
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  gown holding a bouquet of flowers. And just like
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  that, Cash is given a new definition to the term
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  companion animal. May they live happily ever
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  after, and we do send our regrets to Alexis.
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  Because if this is true, Cash isn't going to
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  be flying around the country to see Alexis sing.
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  No, he's going to be going to a farm to help
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  shear some wool. Thanks for watching Breaking
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  Absurdity. And remember, don't stare into the
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  abyss alone. Let's do it together. Like, subscribe,
• 12:12
  and leave a comment below. Let me know what you
• 12:14
  thought about this episode. I want to hear from
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  you.