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How to Build Unshakeable Confidence · Gay Men Going Deeper

0:05
Speaker A: Welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health, and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. Today I'm your host, Michael DiIorio, and joining me are Matt Lansitl and Reno Johnston. Today we are talking about how to have the kind of confidence you. You don't have to fake. The confidence that comes from self trust, that is rooted in emotional maturity and makes you feel unshakable in any circumstance. What we want you to get out of this episode is knowing exactly how confidence is built, why it may seem harder for you to build, and how to become someone you trust. This podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us and support the community by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. If you're watching us on YouTube, you can also tap that thanks button and show the podcast some love. All right, great topic. Before we get into how to build unshakable confidence, I want to talk about something that most people skip on this topic, especially as it pertains to our audience, which is mainly gay, bi and queer men. And what I'm about to say comes straight from my foundations men's group and the shame detox within foundations. So if you're from there, then this is going to sound very familiar to you. But confidence is harder for us as gay men. Not because we're broken and not because we're weak, not because something is wrong with us, but because we grew up learning that parts of ourself were unsafe to show. We did not start at zero. We did not start at neutral like our straight brothers and friends. Okay? We started in a shame deficit. We learned early how to scan rooms, how to look at other people's reactions for our own sense of safety and approval. We learned how to edit ourselves and we learned to do this just to stay connected and stay safe. And over time, that hyper vigilance creates a very loud inner critic. That's why a lot of gay men have this very loud inner critic. And his job within us is to protect us by reminding us constantly, don't mess up. Don't fuck this up. So when people say, generally just be confident, it sounds very simple, but it ignores the confidence tax that we've been paying for our whole lives that we don't even realize we're paying because it's just part of us. Confidence tax is what I call minority stress. It's that extra emotional psychological and relational cost that gay men pay just to feel as confident as someone who grew up safe to be themselves, who did not have to do that. And I always use my straight brother as an example. Right? He was two years older than me. Same family, same household, very different confidence levels growing up. So that confidence tax is the invisible surcharge added to gay by queer folks just in everyday life. Like I said, we're not starting at zero. Like, I wasn't starting at zero with my straight brother. We're starting at minus 10. Okay? And the reason I'm sharing this is not to say, oh, no, poor us, or oh, no, we're victimized, and oh, no, we can't do it. That's not at all why I'm sharing this. I think it's important that we have to start the conversation with this, at least to understand the psychological terrain that we are in when we're talking about building confidence as gay men, not to victimize ourselves, but so that we can understand it and move through it more effectively, so that we can stop fighting ourselves and stop getting in our own way. Because what happens is people are like, oh, no, I can't build confidence. Which just goes to prove there's something wrong with me. And the shame spiral continues. Okay, so I wanted to share that off the top. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, and a lot of you have, you guys already know that confidence is not about being fearless or performing some kind of swagger. It doesn't come from how many followers you have on Instagram or how much money you have or how many guys you've racked up on your bed, post notch belt, whatever that's called. Okay? We already know that it's about trusting yourself, especially when fear, discomfort, or difficult emotions show up. So that term unshakable confidence, which I love so much, is knowing you can handle how you feel without abandoning yourself. And that's what we're focusing on today, the kind of confidence that comes from within you. All right, let's start there. What actually builds unshakable confidence? Let's start with Reno today.
4:44
Speaker B: I love this topic, especially because it comes at a time when I want to say this year delivered me, like, several blows. It's been a beautiful year and a significant year, and also, like, life has definitely. Chelsea and I had a couple of experiences recently where there were some gentlemen that I had connected with. And the connection was really deep and intimate. And what ended up happening is in my anticipation of what could potentially unfold in those connections. Suddenly they shifted. And I started to notice something about this year. And it was that every time something like that happened, every time I got excited about something or invested in something and it was removed, there was a period of grief and disappointment that followed. But what always happened after that was that I felt stronger and I felt more clear and I felt more grounded and centered in myself. So I wasn't outsourcing my power, I wasn't outsourcing my, I guess I want to say, my needs and, and my stability as well. So regardless of what was happening outside of me, I started to increasingly come to a place where I was able to stay grounded within myself. And also I saw my capacity to meet and hold the experience that I was having, right? So I didn't make the grief I was feeling wrong. I didn't make the disappointment I was feeling wrong. I didn't make the people I was engaging with wrong. And I didn't really make it about rejection either, because that's actually a story, right? Like, and I'm just speaking to myself or for myself, right? Someone may hear that and it may bring something up for them. Like, what do you mean rejections story? And I guess what I'm suggesting for myself is that I see that what happened was we just weren't a match, right? It's not so much that I was rejected, it's that there was an alignment there and that's okay. And I think there's something about that recognition that allows me to be settled in myself as well. I'm not projecting a bunch of story. I'm just being in my experience. And so, like, what does all of this have to do with unshakable confidence? Well, life is a contact sport, right? I like to say this all the time. Life is a contact sport. And so if you're waking up every day and you're going out into the world without fail, you're going to have experiences, right? It's just the name of the game. Otherwise, stay in bed. And even then you're still fighting with yourself, right? And so through exposure to life, right? Hits I've taken, whether it's like, yeah, someone says no to me or something doesn't go the way I want it to, or, you know, there's a. An external stimuli that occurs and I have to sort of grapple with it, right, and meet it constantly. Day in and day out, we're having experiences. And so what I've seen is that I have been able to develop an increasingly unshakable confidence through my capacity to meet the experiences that I have and befriend them, right?
8:22
Speaker A: And.
8:23
Speaker B: And not. Not, like, resist them, not avoid them, but to become increasingly settled in myself. And so when these things happen, like what I described, I don't view them in. And I'm going to say I used to, but increasingly I don't view them as, like, negative things. It's almost like a game in a way now, right? It's almost a game in a way. When something comes up, how am I meeting it? Now, I think about a person who is unshakably confident, right? And some of the qualities I would use to describe that person is someone who's playful, someone who's improvisational, someone who is whole and full from within. So they're sourcing. There's. I guess I'll just reiterate, like, their wholeness, their fullness, their sort of integrity, like, from within. There's someone who's present and there's someone who is in and responding to, not reacting to the moment. That is, there's someone who is secure, right? And how do you build that? Like, how does that happen? And in my experience, as I mentioned previously, it comes from experience and it comes from one's capacity to befriend, validate, meet, hold the experience they're having. It's not about not experiencing anxiousness. It's not about avoiding the things that shake us, right? Because in that shakability, we become more stable. You know, it's kind of like if you can imagine earthquake testing a building, right? You want to see at what point that building folds under pressure. So, you know, okay, like, it still needs more work in order to be in integrity, right? Well, it's the same with us in a way. So it's not about avoiding the things that shake us. It's about embracing them and learning to hold them. And to be honest, I think that kind of courage and that. That sort of way of meeting life, it's actually really sexy too. You know, someone who steps into it and it's like, okay, let's go. Like, I know that life is gonna. Life and. And I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna meet it, and we're gonna hang out and I'm gonna make friends with this. So, yeah, I would say that's. That's sort of my answer there.
10:56
Speaker A: I love that answer. It's like the Reno Johnston master class in building unshakable confidence. That was so good. I love that.
11:03
Speaker B: Thanks.
11:04
Speaker C: That was good.
11:05
Speaker A: Yeah. Confidence is built in the discomfort zone, not the comfort zone.
11:08
Speaker B: Is what I took from that in the gym. Sets and reps. Sets and reps. Yeah.
11:14
Speaker C: Yeah.
11:14
Speaker A: All right. Matt, what about you? What, what. How do you build unshakable self confidence?
11:19
Speaker C: You know, I was really grappling with this. I'm like, is there such a thing as unshakable confidence? And you know what? I don't actually think there is in the traditional sense of the word. When you first hear that word, it's like, because somebody in one area of their life might be unshakable. Like, maybe they're an amazing public speaker, but you know, you throw them into a therapy office and they're very. Have a hard time with being vulnerable. So they're not confident in maybe the more intimate things. But when it comes to being more like front facing to an audience, maybe they're really good. Right? Or something, these sorts of things. So I do think that this concept is very dynamic. Confidence is very dynamic. It's not static, it's not a destination that we arrive at. So I. But I do think there are some things. And I love what Reno said. Like you're, you're. That was beautiful. But being okay with not feeling confident, I think is, is a step in the right direction of becoming unshakably, you know, because when we, when we're, when we are not like for, for myself, when I'm not confident, there's a humility. And I think that humility leads me closer to becoming more connected to my authenticity to the truth of who I am, to being able to be confident in, in the sense of how Michael described it, which is like trusting yourself, knowing that you can have your own back, knowing that you can. You'll be your safe place to land if you, if you fail or you get rejected or any of these sorts of things. But then I. So I put down four things. So I'll talk about the first one. So identity, knowing who you are and being in alignment to that. I think that's a big piece of confidence because I think that's one of the reasons why we were in the negative 10 deficit, Michael, is the fact that we, our identity is what is challenged in the first formation of our life. We're like, you know, wait a minute, I'm not what everybody thinks I should be. I'm. I'm gay. Everyone else is straight. So we have like an identity crisis from a young age. And I think that is the main foundation for just, I'll call it like general confidence. Like throughout life, our self concept, our, you know, who we are, who we think we are in relation to the world. So I've really tasted this in the last few years where I've been going through, like, a massive rebirth and a reinvention. And my. A lot of stuff has been deconstructed and my ego's been deconstructed. And I've hit points where I'm just like, man, like, I am so not confident compared to how I was five years ago. Like, I feel like I'm. I. You know, I feel like I'm like a baby sometimes. Like this little child that's, like, scared of all these things and. But it's because I've let go of old identities that aren't serving me. So. And that's what I mean. I think our confidence is going to wax and wane throughout our life as we go through periods of rebirth, these sorts of things, reinvention. And that's why people get imposter syndrome. It's because you're entering a new chapter. Something's new in your life, and you're not confident in it. So I do think going through imposter syndrome is actually how we build confidence. So identity plays a big part, big part in this, I think. And then taking action and seeing success, I think is huge. Like, you know, like you said, it doesn't happen in the comfort zone. We actually have to get into the ring and. And put on the gloves and fight, like, in order to build the confidence. And I think so action is such a huge thing. And action for me is what allows me to face fear, right? Because fear, what it wants to do to me is it wants to put me in a freeze state. So when I rise above that and I kind of break through that freeze energy, and I go into, like, more of that fight energy. That's what helps me continue to build confidence. So. And then having a strong relationship with your nervous system. So, man, this is a big one. It's monstrous because everything comes through the nervous system. So if you are turning away from your emotions, if you are dysregulated, or if you're, you know, when you get rejected, if you go into a massive shame spiral, like, these are the things that you have to be able to work with your nervous system and process and discharge and regulate and be able to talk about your nervous system to other people. So having a strong relationship with your nervous system, I think, is. Is a huge portal into. Into building confidence. And then my last one was embody confidence. Don't just think it. Most people, I think, approach confidence from a mindset perspective and I think that's really important. I think it's 50% of the equation. But I. I think we need to also feel. Feel confidence, feel what it feels like to be in your body and feel strong and have your chest be. Feel bigger and these sorts of things. So I do think, you know, I always, you know, say to people, and I use this for, like, worthiness a lot. But, like, when you are feeling confident, like, track it. Even if it's coming from outside yourself, even if it's from a thirst trap or whatever. Whatever you did to get that confidence, it's still happening inside of you. So take a moment and feel. Notice where it's showing up. Where does confidence show up in your body? Because then once you start to develop a relationship with confidence through your body, you can go to that without necessarily needing to post the thirst trap or needing to do these things in order to feel confidence outside yourself. You can start to find the well within where confidence lives. And I think. But both are valuable. I think truly we've done the episode on external and internal validation, and there's a fine line between validation and confidence. I think there's. That there. There's a relationship between these two things, and it's healthy to look for validation and confidence outside of us, but not in lieu of. Of not doing it within ourselves as well, too.
16:38
Speaker A: I think we're gonna have to change the name of this episode to the Unshakable Confidence Masterclass. Because, Matt, that was, like, bang on as well, Right?
16:45
Speaker C: Great job knocking it out of the park.
16:47
Speaker A: Yeah. But it just goes to show how much we all three of us love this topic. And when we decided, I was like, I was really jazzed about it. So all great points, guys. I mean, I don't know how much more I'd have to add to that. You guys really did a good job of explaining it in the way that I would as well. At the end of the day, confidence is a byproduct of it's something you see on the outside that doesn't always feel confident. Right. So, Rena, when you were talking earlier about all these things you're going through, I'm sure in the moment you're like, yeah, I feel so fucking confident doing this. You're just riding the wave, right? Yeah. So to me, that confidence is. Is a byproduct of your inner world. So when you have that skill of having your own back, when you can go out into the world and ride the waves, and as Reno said, life. Life sits you. It's not that like, yes, I'm gonna win every time. I'm gonna like nail it. No, that's not the point at all. That's, that's arrogance, in fact. And that's, that's not real. No one nails it every time. It's, it's about understanding that sometimes I'm gonna nail it. Yay. And sometimes I'm not. And that doesn't, it doesn't have any impact on my self worth. Doesn't mean I'm less valuable as a human, as a man, whatever. And I think there's a big difference there between arrogance and confidence. Arrogance says, I always get it right, I always win. I'm better than everything. Confidence is to me how Matt and Reno described it as. Well, it's like I got this meaning. I will have my own back and I, I will be my own soft place land. It's not knowing all the answers. You don't need to know all the answers. No one knows all the answers. That's okay. But knowing that you can be resourceful, knowing that you can ask other people for help, to me is a sign of confidence when you can say, hey, listen, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I need some help here. That is a confident man right there. Not someone's like, I don't need your help. That's not confidence. Okay.
18:32
Speaker C: Yeah.
18:33
Speaker A: And, and you know, Matt, you talked about action. I agree with you on action. And the reason why people don't take action is exactly because of that. Because they think if I take this action and I fail, you think that other people are going to judge you, but the reality is you're just afraid of your own shame, monster within you who's going to beat the shit out of you. And that's why you don't take action. So this whole thing about confidence, I know it's really boring for some people, but it really is about self compassion and being your own best friend. It's not maybe the answer you're looking for, but it is the one that works.
19:02
Speaker C: Well said.
19:03
Speaker B: Well said.
19:05
Speaker A: Well, you guys, you guys inspired it. Thank you.
19:07
Speaker B: I love that what you said about self compassion too. I think that's so big and it's so funny because as. As you named, people think of confidence and they think of bravado, but self compassion, it's not. It really has very little to do with bravado. It's like Matt mentioned, humility. I think self compassion is more humble than, than it is, you know, big and braggadocious. Right. Yeah.
19:32
Speaker A: I call it Quiet confidence. That's my. That's my particular brand. I'm not allowed. Boastful type. But I see that the people that I perceive as. As confident are also very. Like, they don't need to go around telling everyone everything. They're. They just exist in the world very calmly. Yeah.
19:49
Speaker C: I think that is confidence. I think the other side of it is. Is arrogance. And I think it's. It comes from ego. And I think true confidence doesn't come from ego. I think it can come from our relationship to our ego and understanding it with a lot of consciousness, but it doesn't. It's not derived from ego sources.
20:05
Speaker A: Yeah. And that doesn't mean you can't be proud of yourself. By all means. Like, you know, you do something great, you want to. You want to talk about it, you want to share that, that's great. But that's not where it lives. The confidence doesn't live there. Right.
20:14
Speaker C: Yeah.
20:16
Speaker A: All right, let's hear from our audience, and we want to know from you what helps you build confidence. If you're watching us on YouTube, go ahead and write that in the comments. Let's let this be a community area where we can build each other up. So what helps you build confidence? And if you're enjoying the conversation we're having here, we invite you to join our connection circles. Every month, we host two connection circles where we facilitate small, intimate conversations about the topics that we discuss here on the podcast. But in a connection circle, we're not talking. We hand the mic over to you. We put you in little breakout rooms of three or four, and you guys have your own time to discuss the things we talk about here. If you're interested, please join us. Go to gaymansbrotherhood.com and check out our events section to check out the topics and times in rsvp. Also, make sure you're on our email list where we will email you all the details and the zoom links. All right, for our next question, we kind of dabbled into this a bit, so there's a good segue here. I wanted to explore the notion of fake it till you make it, which some people swear by and they say it works, and others say it's inauthentic and it's not real. So I'm really curious to dig into this with you guys. Reno does fake it till you make it actually work. Why or why not?
21:24
Speaker B: I'm going to say do what works for you. Right. And I'm also going to say, like, I invite each of us to reflect on, like, Whether faking it till you make it actually works, and to reflect on how we know when something's working. And I'm not really gonna unpack that any further than to just suggest the reflection on those two questions. Does it really work? And how do you know when something's working or what it isn't? Because if it is, keep doing it. But if it isn't, then that's something to reflect on. I think in my own personal experience, I would say, like, I'm much more interested in settling into myself and my experience. And I've just seen myself be more like, feel lighter and more expansive and more grounded and more settled and also more free and liberated and less externally sourced when I'm not trying to fake it. Because I guess as I unpack this for myself, it's like the only reason that I would be faking it or need to fake it is if I thought that I had something to prove or if there was something outside of myself that I thought was greater than me, you know, and. And that I. That I needed to, like, complete me or fill me or something like that. And it makes me think of this thing I said about interviews and dating because people will go into dates, and sometimes they will do that or interviews, they'll, like, fake it till they make it. Even in business, right? Like coaching sessions, working with clients, trying to enroll a client. And I've just seen every time, like, even in session, I feel so shitty when I'm faking it. And so sometimes I'll just cop to it. Actually, I would say most of the time I'll just cop to it because I learned it didn't feel good. I'm like, I don't actually know, or I feel really anxious right now or really uncomfortable. Like I've. You know, my nerves are. My nerves are working right now. Sitting. Sitting across from you, you know, and I'm just gonna take a deep breath and so I can settle in and really be with you. But I named the thing because, you know, I was talking about this yesterday and I. I have some posts coming out on it. But I was saying, like, there's no. How do I say this? Like, there's a beast, right? And the beast is an illusion. It's something we make up in our minds and then we reinforce the beast by feeding it or running from it, right? When in reality it's just like some shadow that, like, we have painted or our mind has cast on the wall that we now have to run from and try to satiate. And it's like, but you put that there. That's not actually there, you know? And so what if you just. What if you just, like, acknowledge it, look it in the face, you know, and. And let it disappear? And I guess that's. That's what I've seen. It goes back to what I said about exposure. Like, why fake it when you can just, like, just live, Just be honest, just be real, you know, And. Because. And I guess if you start with faking it, like, I don't know, then you've got to keep up that facade, and it's like, that's exhausting. I have no interest in that, you know? So. Yeah, that's just me, though.
24:55
Speaker A: So, Reno, has faking it ever actually worked for you in some way? Has it helped you in any way?
25:01
Speaker B: In. In the sense that I have. Like, I've bullshitted my way into some things, but it's not. I wouldn't call that faking it, though, because what it was, was. I would almost call it audacity, because it wasn't. I wasn't pretending that I knew what I didn't know. This goes back to the thing we said earlier where, like, I forget how you said it, but it was like. Like trusting in yourself. So, like, I never said this before, but some of my confidence actually comes in large part from God. And, like, I'm non religious, whatever that means to y'.
25:39
Speaker A: All.
25:39
Speaker B: Like, you know, take it or leave it. But I just have a lot of faith and a lot of groundedness in this, like, energy that supports me in my life. And so in those moments, I wouldn't even say I'm faking it. I would just say I'm bold enough to. To move as if. Because I feel the support of myself, my lived experience and God. Really? That's what that is. Yeah.
26:08
Speaker A: Interesting take. I like that. Matt, what about for you? Same question. Fake it till you make it. Does it work?
26:14
Speaker C: I think yes and no. And I'll. I'll justify both of my. My answers. So, yes, I think it's part of being human. Think about mimicry, right? Like, we watch our parents do things, we do it. We watch this. You know, our teachers say, to do this, we do it. Right? You think about actors and actresses get, like, you know, for getting ready for a play. Like, they're rehearsing, they're pretending they're right. So there's this element of, like, we're practicing being human. Const. I just don't like the word fake. It's actually like one of my. The words that just Rubs me the wrong way. I think I've built my life around being authentic and something about this word of fake. But I do think there's an element of pretending that we do as human beings. And, you know, like, I pretend to be happy some days because I can't just walk into a meeting and be like a big frumpy bitch when I'm feeling a bit like a big frumpy bitch. Right. Like, there's times where you have to pretend. You got to fake it. You got to.
27:09
Speaker A: Right.
27:09
Speaker C: And this is how it works when you go to a networking or you go to a dinner party or you.
27:13
Speaker A: Right.
27:13
Speaker C: You got to have the whole, like, stuffy conversations with people. It's just. It's just part of what it's like being human. And I think this is why I've taken so much to authentic relating, because we let all that stuff leave it at the door, right? Like, if you're a frumpy bitch, I want to hear about why you're frumpy. Right? Like, that's kind of where. Where I like to. I like to play. But I can't avoid these spaces that. That pretending is a culture all the time. I have to enter these spaces. So, yes, I have to mask sometimes and I have to do all the things. But when it comes to. To confidence, I think I'm just more of a fan of, like, own being a beginner. Like, own being in that energy of impostering and. And grow into making it. You don't have to fake it. I just think sometimes when we. When we overstep stages, which is being a beginner is a stage, and it's a stage where we have to build confidence. So saying, I don't know, I'm not sure, like, help me, like, this sort of thing that's part of building confidence. So I think if we're. If we're faking it and we're trying to jump from step. Step one to step five, and we're in step five, I think that can actually be something that affects our confidence because we're trying to be with the big boys when we're actually. We haven't developed all the things along the way to do that. So. So in some contexts, I think this could work, but it depends on what. How I would define by making it, because I don't think that would actually be true confidence. I think it would be like pretending confidence. Like, you're kind of. So, yeah, I know my answers are very gray, but I just think it is a very gray, you know, Thing to explore. For some people, it might work.
28:50
Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I think where it helps us take action. Great. Like, if it helps you get you out there, then that's a good thing, because I think the worst thing you can do is not take any action at all and just stay on the sidelines and not do anything. So if faking it means, okay, I'm gonna go pretend I can do this thing, I'm gonna get, put myself out there, even if you're gonna suck at it, then great. I'd rather you do it and suck than not do it at all, because at least that builds the confidence muscle there. But that only works temporarily, I think. You know what you said, Matt, about you have to eventually make it, which the faking it has to die down and the making it has to amp up. The analogy I like to use for this is if you go to the gym and you just stretch, that's nice. But eventually you gotta, like, work out. So I call the faking apart the stretching. You know, you're kind of getting ready. You're stretching your muscles a bit short, but it's not the full workout. So you need to eventually make it. But if faking gets starts and it's like an amp up, then so be it. So I do think it works temporarily insofar as it helps you take action. Great. Example is me on this podcast. I faked it for a good, I don't know, 20 to 50 episodes. In the beginning, I didn't. I didn't want to do it. I was nervous. I was shaky. I was. I. But I showed up. I showed up and I faked it, and I pretended I knew what I was doing. And, you know, but here I am now, like, this was getting on here today with you guys, and for the last few years has been so simple, so easy, and I made it. You can say, like, it doesn't. It doesn't shake me as much. So in that case, it worked. But. But notice how it's the repetition of, I did it, I faked it. I was not someone who would do that in those days. And then I kind of faked it till I made it. So I guess you could say it worked here in this podcast where. Where fake it till you make it doesn't work. Using that example is, y' all knew that I wasn't confident about it. I mean, I shared with you guys at the very beginning, but, like, off camera, and then even on camera, I did say, like, this is not my strong suit. This is not my comfort zone. And I think that's what really helped is to. I think you. You can fake it till you make it and acknowledge that there's fear and insecurity and self doubt and shame versus faking it till you make it and saying, oh, no, no, yeah, I got this. This is fine. And so that to me is like, I think the bridge. Fake it till you make it, but also acknowledge that it's hard.
31:10
Speaker B: Yeah, I remember that you brought me back. That's so funny thinking about, like, how long it's been. And I remember that season and it was so interesting to me because every time you opened your mouth, I just, like, loved what came out of it, you know? And so it's so cool to see you, like, grow into all of that.
31:30
Speaker C: Yeah.
31:30
Speaker B: Yeah. Because you always had something to say. I was like, I love it when you speak.
31:34
Speaker A: Yeah. But, you know, if you weren't, if you were inside my brain, in my body at that time, my. My palms were sweaty, I was shaking, I was like shivering and I was like panicked and my brain was going a mile a minute about what I have to say and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh, my God, these guys are so smart. I'm so stupid. Like, constant. Right. And yet what you saw, what you heard was not that, of course, but I could, I could admit that I could say that, like, I had a lot of stuff, that I had a lot of imposter syndrome. And I think that's the difference. That's what allowed me to go from faking it to making it.
32:04
Speaker B: Yeah, it's interesting too. Like, I still get. I don't know if people believe this or know it or what, but I still get nervous sometimes. Like, when I came in today, it was so weird. I was sitting here and I'm like, what is going on? And when I say nervous, I think if I were to even just remove that word and what we think it means. And there was a lot of energy, right? Like, there was a lot of energy when I sat down and we started to speak and I was like, whoa. Like, I don't always feel this, but today, for some reason, I was really feeling it, you know, so it's like, even after years of doing this, I still get that, like that buzz that you get, you know, when you're stepping.
32:47
Speaker C: Into something, the energy of anticipation.
32:50
Speaker B: That's it. Yeah.
32:51
Speaker A: Yeah. And I mean, I think we all get that to some for our listeners out there. When we pop on here, we don't just start recording whatever. We usually talk for a couple minutes. First check in. How are we doing? And some days we're all like, ugh. Like today, I'm personally very tired. But here we are, we're doing it. And it's a good thing. But it's interesting to at least acknowledge those feelings. Right. Going back to what Reno had said, right from the top is life is going to life at you, but you still got to show up and ride the weight. Yeah.
33:17
Speaker B: And Matt, I think you also do that really well. Like, I love what you said about being a frontbeat bitch sometimes.
33:22
Speaker A: Yeah. Y.
33:23
Speaker B: Depends. You are in that space and you'll just like, show like, you're in, like, your rawness and you'll show up on the podcast. And I've seen you bring it sometimes and I just like, I. To be honest, I love it. Like, when you said that, I was like, just. You should, like, be a frumpy on the podcast more often. Like, just. Just be a frumpy.
33:41
Speaker A: All the funny.
33:45
Speaker C: Yeah, it's funny.
33:48
Speaker A: All right, let's hear from our audience. What do you guys think does fake it till you make it work for you? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments on YouTube. And guys, this topic we're talking about unshakable self confidence. All the patterns we've been talking about here today. Self trust, the inner critic, healing, shame, making decisions are exactly the kinds of things we explore within our game. And going deeper coaching collection. There is an entire pathway, meaning an entire catalog of videos dedicated to the topic of confidence. There's also an entire catalog dedicated to body positivity, community and relationships. All of these videos you can explore at your own pace. And you get lifetime access when you buy the coaching collection. You also get access to our two courses, Healing your shame and building better relationships, of which confidence is very much tied into the both of them. Because you have to have confidence in yourself when you heal shame, that's what happens. And the best relationships are built when two people are authentically self confident. So go to gaymangoingdeeper.com to get lifetime access to our coaching collection. All right, let's talk about how we deal with confidence setbacks like rejection, failure, insecurity. Right. We already discussed that. These aren't going anywhere. This is life lifing. So let's give our viewers and listeners some tips. How do you deal with it, Reno?
35:09
Speaker B: I mean, my first response is to say, I deal with it the way I deal with it. And then I guess like to elaborate on that. It depends on when you catch me. It depends on when you Catch me, because here's what I'll say. You know, maybe when I was really little and my mind was not sort of, I wasn't quite conditioned yet, I might have, like, I don't know, brushed it off in a way that suddenly I was less inclined to brush it off. And you know, a perfect example of this is like, I look at Northwest, like Kim and Kanye's little one, and it's so funny watching her because, like, I mean, she's an icon in my opinion. That kid is so audacious and she almost seems like totally unshakable, you know. And I think about these periods of time in our lives where like, maybe we sweat. We sweat like the small stuff where we just sweat stuff, like way less. And then for whatever reason, we sort of get more caught up in it and it has a larger impact on us. And so I feel like I've kind of seen this journey happen where when I was much younger, maybe I was less affected by it because I didn't understand it, or I hadn't like conceptualized it or applied a bunch of meaning to the things that were happening yet. And then as time went on, all the things that happened started to mean something suddenly. And that meaning created an experience within me. And then I think as time has gone on and I've been able to sort of step back and see things, for some reason I'm thinking of like the Matrix or something like that, but. Or like X ray vision, but it's like my spiritual awakening, my lived experience, like all of that stuff has allowed me to kind of look at life more objectively than subjectively. And because of that, it's not that I don't experience setbacks or hits, like I said earlier, I still experience them. It's just that when they're happening, I'm not applying as much meaning to my experience. And it's more just like, oh, there's the thing that happened. And I'm having an experience of the thing that happened and I can just like be with it. Like, to me that's self compassion essentially is being with. And so I would say self compassion in large part is the answer to that question and objectivity and also the recognition. And this is a big one, I think, and it's come with time, but that every time, you know, like the house burned down this year, or like, you know, a boy didn't like me the way I liked him, or someone passed away or whatever, but it's like every time something happens, what I see on the other side of it is that, like, in the grand scheme of things, there's some rhyme and reason to it, you know, like, they're like, I see the grace in. In the grit, and that really helps me meet whatever shows up in my life and recognize that probably, like, you know, there's this cheesy line people say sometimes. Like, it wasn't rejection. It was redirection. Right. And it's like, I guess I look at things that way in a lot of cases. Increasingly, I'm like, okay, well, this just wasn't meant to be, and let's see what happens, you know, let's see what's next. Or. That thing that happened to me, it actually made me stronger on the other side of it, more equipped to meet my experience, to hold more of life, and it made me a juicier and more dynamic and more confident person, you know? So. Yeah.
39:15
Speaker A: Reno, do you have any specific areas of your life where. Where you tend to wobble? Probably.
39:22
Speaker B: I mean, I'm human, so I feel like. I think that I come across as confident, and I would say that I actually am. But also I think it's because I recognize that, like, yeah, there's shit I don't know or am not good at. I mean, I'm trying to think of examples, but, like, I get insecure when, I don't know, a particular person walks into the room or something, or I'm around a group of people. I'm trying to think of examples here, but it's like, I think what happens is the moment. This is the best way to kind of summarize it and sort of make it, like, meta but real at the same time. If I'm in any space where the thing outside of me. I'm making the thing outside of me greater than me, and then I'm comparing myself to it or against it. Any of those moments are moments where, like, I'm insecure, you know, And. And then if I start behaving accordingly, then I'm, like, reinforcing the thing that's happening. So in those moments, what I try to do is to just, like, step back, take a deep breath, and notice what's coming up and what I'm making all of this mean, right? But Matt talked about being a crotch the bitch. Like, I have my moments. I have my moments for sure, where I'm just, like, you know, I'm, like, showing my ass and, like, acting the fool because I'm, like, feeling insecure or something like that. I. It happened with a friend recently, actually. I was going through something where I was feeling kind of not, I guess rejected, I think would be the word. Yeah. And what I do sometimes is if someone pulls away from me, I pull back further. Right. And someone said that to me. I didn't know that, but he was like, reno, there's this thing you do where when you. When someone pulls away from you, you pull. You pull away even further. I do that because I feel hurt or I feel insecure. You know what I mean? Or I feel like our connection has been compromised. That's one of the reasons I do it. And so, again, it's just like things like that, I think are where my work still lives, you know?
41:37
Speaker A: Yeah. I think I felt the collective audience just go. Because I think you spoke to a lot of people right there, I think.
41:45
Speaker B: Oh, really? Okay.
41:46
Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's very common. Yeah.
41:49
Speaker B: Yeah.
41:50
Speaker A: Well, thanks for sharing and thank you for being so vulnerable with that. I knew that I kind of sprang that one on you. Yeah.
41:54
Speaker B: Thank you.
41:55
Speaker A: Okay. Matt, what about you? How do you deal with confidence setbacks like rejection, failure, and insecurity?
42:00
Speaker C: I just want to speak to what Reno just said, and I think I. I can relate. Nothing will erode confidence faster than comparison.
42:06
Speaker A: Yeah.
42:06
Speaker B: Right.
42:08
Speaker C: So. And I think for me, it's like there's a. I'm still working on being confident and consistent in my own significance, my own worthiness. So if I see somebody that I might be comparing myself to as better than me in something, which there's always someone out there that's going to be better than me at something then.
42:25
Speaker A: Right.
42:25
Speaker C: So that's. I think that's the litmus test for a lot of us as gay men, because I think a lot of us have wounding around worthiness and significance and belonging and these sorts of things. So, yeah, I feel you, brother Reno. I was trying to relate this question to what I've been navigating. So identity crisis. That's what I've been in. I've been in a big, fat, long identity crisis, which is been about healing and depression and going through just basically shedding all my old selves that aren't going to serve me when I move into this next paradigm or my ascension or whatever the hell's coming. I'm having to trim all the dead weight, and that's very painful. And so my confidence has been massively shooken. And so there's four things that I kind of wrote down that are maybe are like stages because I've gone through a lot of them already, and I'm like building myself back up now. Like, I think I've been stripped down and now I'm in the build backup phase, which is good, but it's also scary because I'm like, I'm still. I'm unsure. Like, do, do I still like this thing? Like, do I still like these people? Like, do I write? Like, there's a lot of like so much confusion in my life right now. So. But the first thing I wrote down is feel it first. Like, whatever, whatever the thing that happens. So the rejection, the failure, the insecurity, the confusion, whatever is there. Like, develop a relationship with it through your nervous system. Like, try and get clear, okay? Like, I'm feeling rejected right now. What does rejection feel like for me? Because if we're constantly turning away from the thing that creates us pain, we're never going to be able to develop confidence around it, right? So I think feeling it has been a big part of it, which I actually think has been a huge thing for me. Because I've spent a lot of my life turning away from my emotions. I've been. I've been turning towards them, but intellectually, and that's been a big realization for me. There's a difference between, like, thinking through an emotion and actually surrendering to it and letting yourself be completely annihilated by whatever shame or inadequacy or whatever the emotion is. And then, so then I put kind of it in like four or three Rs. So reframe, rebuild, and re engage. So the reframe is kind of like what you said Reno, about like rejection is actually redirection. It's like, look for the silver lining in what happened. And then like the out of the box meaning, you know, like, so, for example, me going through an identity crisis is like, yeah, I'm shedding the things that aren't serving me so I can move into a more higher conscious, elevated version of myself. Right? So, like, the reframe for me has been a big, big thing. And it's usually I reframe into spirituality, into faith, because that's what I've fallen back on through all of my suffering. It's like knowing that something greater than me is actually helping me, wanting me to evolve so I can actually experience more love. I think that's what everything is about in my life. And I think a lot of people's lives, it's like we're shedding the shit, the trauma, the pain, the hurts, all the stuff that is actually blocking us from love. And that's what we're most of us are Healing paths or our personal development paths are about how can we get closer to love.
45:18
Speaker A: Right.
45:19
Speaker C: And I think love for me is a big part of confidence. Like when I'm feeling loved or I'm giving love, it means I'm feeling confident. Right. So I think love plays a big, big role in this. And then there's the rebuild. So once I've been. That's what I'm going through right now, I think is like falling back on the things that I know I'm good at. And a lot my questioning has been like, do I still like this? Do I still like doing therapy? Yes.
45:42
Speaker B: Right.
45:43
Speaker C: That's something that I'm really good at. So I fall back into that, like.
45:46
Speaker A: Right.
45:46
Speaker C: And these sorts of things. And then surrounding myself with people who see my brilliance. Right. And allowing them to show me that, you know, I'm really good at the things that I'm kind of slowly moving back into. So that's kind of the rebuild phase. And then the re. Engage is like getting back into the ring of the thing that I set that was a setback for me and trying it again.
46:07
Speaker A: Right.
46:07
Speaker C: Like, if I want to, if, if I learned the lesson of I don't really like this and I failed at it because I just, I'm not interested, then I won't. But if it's something that I'm like, you know, because I think part of me is like, wants to go into the no compete and I'm just like, I just won't do it. So then I can stay confident over here. But it's like there's a hiding there and that's shame driven. So I'll want to put myself back in the arena so then I can try again and build confidence and come out of my comfort zone once again. Yeah. And if you, if you talk to anybody that's like super successful in what they've done, they've had way more failure than they've had success and they've risen from each failure and they've gotten higher and higher on the ladder because they keep trying the same things. And I just think most of us don't see that. We don't see the sweat equity in people. Right. And we just see the end product and we think people were lucky, but it's like, no, most, most time we just don't see the behind the scenes of what people are, are having to go through and their, their struggles and stuff like that. So.
47:07
Speaker A: Yeah, that's so true. I, I agree with everything you said there. People don't. And yes, I, I, I, I do, I do like watching a good biography or reading about people's lives, whether they're athletes or business people. I just find it very interesting because I like understanding the bind. And you're right, the most successful people in every career, every area of life, their entire success. What we see at the tip of that iceberg underneath that is just a pile of self doubt, failure, rejection, abandonment, trauma, a bad childhood, all of these things. And it just goes to show, at least what I take out of it is that these things don't need to get in the way if we approach them with, you know, with, with the right mindset. And that compassion, which is, which would be my answer for this. All those things, rejection, failure and insecurity, I chose them because those are three that I deal with the most. So when I deal with those, and I do often it is, it's, it's compassion, it's. I have learned how to talk to myself in those difficult moments. And it's not with shame. What builds confidence is not shaming myself for feeling hurt, for feeling disappointed, for feeling angry. It's to meet myself where I'm at, letting myself feel it, saying if I need to, they're there. That's okay. Sometimes I need to say, snap the out of it. Like, it depends, it really does depend on the situation. But I know what I need and I think that's the key there. Any of these things that happen, a failure or rejection and insecurity. Loreno, I love what you had said. You know, looking at them as data points, that's all it is. It's a data point. It's not a verdict on my identity. It's not a verdict on how worthy or lovable or worthy of respect I am. Has nothing to do with that. They're separate things. But if you have a high internalized shame that the shame monster within you, it will very much convince you that it is you and you're the problem. And so it's really important that you work on that internalized shame and understanding that and compassion is the antidote. Let me be very, very clear. Being your own bff, having your own back, all of the things that we'd love to talk about here. It is a skill for the longest time. And I still do have a high, very, very loud inner critic. We talk about that a lot. But he is there and I know he's there and I get him. But I also have a very loud inner compassionate person. The opposite of. Yeah, yeah.
49:34
Speaker C: I think that's why gay men Struggle so much with rejection. Because if you think about shame tells us there's something wrong with us. Most of us grew up thinking there's something wrong with us when somebody rejects us. It's telling us something's wrong with you. I don't want you.
49:48
Speaker A: Right.
49:48
Speaker C: So rejection is just such a huge, huge thing. And I think it's. It drives. The fear of rejection drives gay men's behavior so much more than we even think. Like on a subconscious, but also a conscious level. Like fear of intimacy, not putting ourselves out there, becoming the lone wolf. Like everything is interconnected to this fear of rejection. If there's one thing I could just shower the gay community with and take away, it would for sure be that.
50:14
Speaker A: Yeah, well, even like I said in the beginning, we. We are othered.
50:18
Speaker C: Right.
50:18
Speaker A: It's just, it's just part of minority stress. So it's very common. It's not, it's not. Not like we're faking it. Like we are. Our existence is rejected. So we're coming in at minus 10, as I said. So it not to say that it's impossible. We just got to be aware of that. And no wonder we have such a high fear of it. It's real. Yeah, Yeah.
50:36
Speaker B: I think that's where that like, self compassion piece becomes so significant because I also think people hear confidence or they think of confidence, and it becomes this sort of over com. It becomes this com compensatory or over compensatory activity. Like they think, oh, okay, like I need to. It's like there was nothing wrong with you to begin with. You just bought a lie that you were sold, unfortunately. And so if that's your starting point, there's nothing to overcompensate for or to compensate for. And so like, who are you when you're not compensating? Because there's nothing wrong with you. You're relaxed, you're compassionate. You're just like meeting yourself in the moment, you know? And so I think like, in this conversation around confidence, it's like, it's not bravado. You don't walk into a room and because you feel small, like performatively make yourself bigger. You just like hold yourself in that smallness for a moment and love it. And then you kind of naturally get bigger, but not like, again, in a way that needs to take over the room and compensate or over compensate. You just settle into yourself and like, who doesn't want to hang out with someone like that, you know? And I love what you said about our community because honestly, Imagine if we were all coming from that place, how much better we would get along and how much kinder we would be to ourselves and each other. Like, it would be such a beautiful, beautiful community, you know? And I think we create that here. We get closer and closer to that through, like, what we're up to here in these conversations and the spaces we create, you know?
52:18
Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
52:19
Speaker B: Gay men are sweet.
52:24
Speaker C: A lot of us are very sensitive.
52:25
Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, it's in there. It's just wrapped under all the armor, all the armor that shame puts there or shame avoidance puts there. All right, guys, any last words before I wrap this up?
52:37
Speaker B: We love you, gays.
52:40
Speaker A: This might be one of my favorite episodes. Yeah, I don't often say that. Reno always says that.
52:45
Speaker C: I do.
52:47
Speaker A: This might be one of my favorite ones, guys. Thank you, both of you, for all of your insight, wisdom, vulnerability, as always. You know, I love listening to you guys. I do think I felt like. I felt like I was at a master class. I can't believe this is a free podcast we just put out there for you guys. So thank you guys for showing up today. Thank you to our listeners and viewers for sticking with us on this episode. If you are watching us on YouTube, please go ahead and tap that thanks button to support the Gameman's brotherhood and this podcast. And don't forget, if you want to get access to our episodes before they are released to the public, you can subscribe to Apple Podcast early access and listen ad free and gain access to episodes about two to three weeks before they are released. All of your support helps us to continue making content and supporting our community. We thank you in advance. And lastly, we hope to meet you at our next connection circle. Check out gayman'sbrotherhood.com See you guys. Bye. Bye.