Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 12: Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries? What the Bible Really Says about Boundaries, Peace, and People-Pleasing

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EP 12: Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries? What the Bible Really Says about Boundaries, Peace, and People-Pleasing · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

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  Today I want to talk about something I think a lot of us struggle with, but
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  especially us moms and especially Christian moms, and that is the guilt
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  that comes up when we start talking about boundaries. If you're tired of
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  people-pleasing, caring too much, and wondering why peace still feels so hard
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  to hold on to, you're in the right place. Hey, I'm Lori, mom and former
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  people-pleaser and your Boundaries Coach. Here we talk about how to protect your
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  peace, set healthier boundaries, and get clear on what actually matters so that
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  you can build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying. So let's
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  pause the chaos for a minute moms, catch your breath, and get into this next
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  episode. Welcome back to Freedom Spark, and I am so glad that you have joined us
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  today, because I have a topic that I think really is at the center of this
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  entire podcast, and what I'm talking to you all about today is the guilt that
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  comes up around boundaries, because for a lot of us, boundaries don't just feel
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  hard, they feel wrong, and they feel selfish. I mean, they feel mean, they can
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  feel unloving, and honestly it can just feel like we're letting people down, and
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  sometimes it even feels unspiritual. Does that sound familiar? I mean, have you ever
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  just wanted to say no, but as soon as you thought it, you just felt guilty? And
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  have you ever said things like, I should just do it, I'll take care of it, you know,
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  I don't want to upset anyone, I know I'm overwhelmed, but I don't want to seem
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  selfish. I mean, I know I've said that. Or what about this? Have you
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  ever just prayed for peace, and you're like, God everything is causing me chaos,
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  I need peace. And because if you have, you're not alone. If you spend a lot of
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  your life being the one who shows up, and you're carrying everything, you're
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  keeping the peace, and you're trying to make things work, then of course your
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  boundaries are gonna feel uncomfortable. We will feel uncomfortable, because what
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  they're doing is interrupting a pattern that we've been living in all this time.
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  Sometimes we assume that if something feels uncomfortable, well then it must be
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  wrong. But that's not always true, is it? Sometimes it just means you're finally
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  telling the truth. For me, my struggle was saying no. It never actually was about
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  being nice. I gotta say it was much deeper than that. And let me just be
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  honest here, I thought that if I said yes to everyone, and if I helped, and I was
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  the one that supported, I make sure everyone feels okay, and is doing great,
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  then somehow it would spill back onto me. And I know that sounds crazy, but
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  that's what I thought. And I thought also that if they were happy, maybe I could
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  feel happy too. And if they felt cared for, maybe I would feel cared for too.
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  Have you ever done that? Or have you ever thought that? And I just thought that if
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  everyone felt okay, maybe then I would feel okay. The thought was like this, if I
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  just kept pouring into people, I felt like it would somehow come back and fill
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  what was missing in me. And I feel like also there was this quiet, almost like
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  transactional layer underneath it. It went like this, if I keep doing for
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  everyone else, someone will eventually notice me. And someone will turn around
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  and they'll also meet my needs. If I give enough, I won't have to ask, they'll
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  just see. They'll just see it. Have you ever felt like that? And if I just keep
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  showing up, maybe someone will show up for me. I even prayed, God I'm so tired.
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  Why does it feel like nobody sees what I'm carrying? So at one point I talked to
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  a counselor about this, and she gave me a picture that stuck with me. She said,
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  people-pleasing is like being on a seesaw. You're at the top constantly
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  feeding the person that is at the bottom. You're helping them. You're fixing them.
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  You're carrying the weight of what they have, and you're making sure that they're
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  okay. But no one is feeding you. So you stay up there and you're pouring and
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  you're pouring until eventually you're starving. And maybe, okay, it's not a
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  literal seesaw, but you know that feeling where you're just constantly pouring out
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  and you're quietly hoping someone notices you're empty. So guys, that's what
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  people-pleasing does. It keeps you giving with this quiet hope that somehow it'll
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  all just come back around. But most of the time it doesn't, and you just end up
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  depleted. So I think there's a false belief. Okay, many of us moms are carrying
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  quietly. It sounds like this, that if we don't have needs, that makes us more
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  valuable. That like being the one who never asked for anything, who is always
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  available, who is always going when we're tired, who makes everyone else's life
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  easier, means that we're doing it right. So have you ever felt that? Like being a
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  good mom meant the one who needed the least? So you push aside your exhaustion.
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  You push aside your emotions and your limits, because everyone's else needs feel
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  louder. And we get so good at meeting those needs, right? Like too good. And
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  guess what happens? We slowly are becoming strangers to our own needs. And
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  I've done this. I've told myself I should just handle it. Even when I knew better.
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  Even when I knew I couldn't do everything. Guys, even when I knew my kids
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  should be learning something, doing a chore, they should take care of that. I
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  knew I should step back, and that was healthier. And still at the root of it, I
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  just felt like a sense of ownership. And when I started stepping back and letting
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  others take responsibility, I had to confront this weird uncomfortable
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  feeling underneath it. It felt like something was being taken from me. And it
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  sounded kind of like this, if they don't need me, what does that mean about my
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  value as a mom? And I know that's hard to admit, but I think a lot of moms feel
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  this way. We don't say it. We feel like it. And it feels terrible. It almost feels
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  like you're working yourself out of a job emotionally. And like your importance
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  was tied to being needed. So I think we're not just talking about boundaries
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  here. I think what's really at stake here is our identity. Because man, can it look
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  noble and even quite spiritual? But a lot of times it's just self erasure with a
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  Bible verse taped to it. Let me say this clearly, pretending you don't have needs
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  does not make you holy. It makes you exhausted. It makes you resentful and it
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  disconnects you from yourself. So eventually you don't even know where you
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  end and everyone else begins. So what does Scripture actually say? Galatians 1
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  10 says this, am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God?
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  That's like a powerful question, right? Because people pleasing can look loving.
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  It can look generous, selfless even, or spiritual. But underneath, what's there? If
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  you peek underneath, what are we gonna see? It's often fear, right? Fear of
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  disappointing people. You have a fear of being misunderstood or losing
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  the approval of your husband and your kids, your friends, and just not being
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  enough. You've got to be useful to be enough, right? And there are times we're
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  saying yes, but there is no peace behind it. That's not a true yes. That's a yes
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  driven by fear. So Proverbs 4 23 says it like this, above all else guard your
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  heart, for everything you do flows from it. We treat guarding our heart, our peace,
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  and our energy, and our limits like it's selfish. And why do we do that? Because
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  Scripture is calling it wise, because everything flows from our heart. So guys,
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  if our heart is depleted, if it is overextended, dried up, ignored, of course
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  it affects how we are showing up in our relationships, in our home, when we make
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  decisions, our peace. So are we ever gonna ask this question, why do we keep
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  asking God for peace, while refusing to create space that we need for peace? And
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  in Luke 5 16 it says, Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
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  Often, on purpose, he didn't live as if everyone was his to carry. And he loved
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  deeply and he served faithfully, but y'all he still stepped away. He had a
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  rhythm and he had limits. So if it's good enough for Jesus, why do we think being a
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  good mom means we should have no limits? I think a lot of the guilt we feel is we
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  confuse love with limitlessness. We feel like if we're gonna be loving, we should
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  have no limits. But that is not the same. Love does not mean an endless access to
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  us. It doesn't mean we're always available. And it doesn't mean we say yes
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  every time someone needs something. And love is not proven by how much you
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  disappear. Healthy boundaries are not punishment. We need to see them as
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  clarity. They help you to see what is yours to carry and what is not, so that
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  you can stop over functionings and you can stop calling over functioning peace
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  and stop calling self-abandonment as kindness. Because a lot of times we're
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  not protecting peace, are we? Instead, it looks like protecting our comfort. We're
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  protecting ourselves from what people think of us or a version of ourselves
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  that like never rocks the boat. But that's not peace. That's not real peace.
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  That's rooted in truth. So let me leave you with three simple questions. Okay,
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  when guilt is coming up for you, I want you to ask, number one, am I saying yes
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  out of love or out of fear? Number two, is this mine to carry? Because not
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  everything near you belongs to you and not every problem is yours to fix. Number
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  three, what would protecting my peace look like here? Maybe you're just needing
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  to say no. Maybe you just need to put a pause before you answer. Maybe you need
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  to stop rescuing that person and let someone, for goodness sake, be
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  disappointed. And you might even have to ask for help sometimes. And I know it's
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  hard for us to do that because someone's disappointment can feel like that's your
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  fault. But sometimes it's just what happens when you stop over giving. So
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  this conversation feels really meaningful to me because what I keep
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  seeing over and over is that so much of what moms are carrying, we are carrying
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  mental clutter and overwhelm, resentment, and all this pressure. And we feel like
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  we're being stretched thin and we have no peace. And it all connects back to
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  boundaries and clarity and priorities. Have you been noticing this too? And this
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  is why this message has been getting louder. This isn't just about
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  saying no, it's about living in truth and stewarding your energy and no longer
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  disappearing inside your own life. We have got to get honest that we were
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  never meant to carry all of this. And if you've been here for the Freedom Spark
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  journey, I want to thank you. Thank you for listening and just thank you for
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  growing with me and for being here and to hear as this message has become
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  clearer. Because next episode we're stepping into something new and I'm
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  going to be sharing a big change in the podcast and where we are going to be
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  headed. So if you've been thinking this is exactly what I need more of, you're
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  going to want to come back for that. And one more quick thing, I'm working on
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  something simple and just practical tools to help you actually apply this in
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  real life. So I'm posting a poll inside of the Facebook group where you can go
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  vote on what would help you the most. And if you're not in the group yet, come join
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  us. Now the Facebook page is being called Healthy Boundaries for Moms because that
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  is going to be our new name starting on the next episode. And I'm going to share
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  more with that in the next episode. So I want you to be part of that and come
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  join us. Hey friend, I hope this episode helped you. If so, come join us in the
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  Healthy Boundaries for Moms Facebook group. That's where we go deeper, share
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  what's really working, and support each other in real life. And if you haven't
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  already, hit follow and leave a quick review on Apple Podcasts. It helps more
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  moms find this message. Now friend, go say no to what's stealing your peace and
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  say yes to something you really need. And I'll meet you back here in the next
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  episode.