Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 314. The person I needed most became the person I lost: Can I ever make peace with it?

Transcript

314. The person I needed most became the person I lost: Can I ever make peace with it? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome to
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: our bestie segment. This is the place for you. We
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: have another bestie episode. So if you're new here, basically,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: You guys can submit your anonymous submissions about your sticky situations,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: whether it's relationship stuff, friendship stuff, work stuff, something personal
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: that maybe you don't want to go to your friends about,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: maybe you don't have anyone to go about. We're going
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: to give our raw, honest advice that we would give
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: to each other if we were in the same situation.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: So Tiana, what have we got today? All right, let's
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: take it away, shall we? Hi, lovely ladies.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: Wow, the number of times I've written a submission and
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: then deleted it all. Hold on tight because this is
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: a bit of a long one. Every part of my
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: life is interwoven into this. For a bit of background,
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: I was a manager with a big company. I oversaw
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: the running of many different sites and within those sites
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: there were lots of different employees. Flashback to Christmas one day,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: two days before Christmas to be exact. I went to
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: work to one of the sites and one of the
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: managers that particular site pulled me into the office and
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: said she had to show me something. Just remember, I'm
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: her manager, but she is the manager of this particular site.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: She also happens to be my best friend of 11 years.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: An anonymous note had been left on her desk when
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: she arrived at work one morning, and it basically revealed
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: that my husband had been cheating on me. I read
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: the note, and she asked why I was so calm
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: about it because I didn't believe it.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I didn't believe any of it.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: My husband and I had been together for 11 years
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: and married for five. We have a beautiful child, investment properties,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: and we own our own home. Our lives are completely intertwined,
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: and honestly, ask anyone I know, they will tell you
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: that my husband is the kindest and most respectful human
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: on the planet. The person he was accused of cheating
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: on me with was one of the employees at this
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: particular site. So that's where it gets tricky because I
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: am technically her senior manager and the accusations involved an
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: employee at one of the sites I oversee and my husband.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: I left straight away and went to where my husband
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: was working. I asked him outright if he had cheated
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: on me with this particular person and he said yes.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Oh, poor honey. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine? Her
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: stomach would have dropped.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: My whole world fell to pieces. I thought I was
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: going to faint or vomit. I was shaking, crying, angry,
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: and scared of what the future would look like. I
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: was scared that our family was breaking up and I
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: just didn't know what to do. I later found out
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: that everything written in the note wasn't true. He hadn't
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: had sex with somebody else and he hadn't kissed somebody else.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: Although I don't want to go into those details, it
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: was still something I classify as cheating.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I was broken.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: It was two days before Christmas and we were hosting
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: a big family Christmas at our house. So I could
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: do nothing other than put on a big, brave smile
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: and act like nothing had happened until Christmas was over.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry.
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Just after Christmas, I started to feel really alone because
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: I hadn't told many people what was going on, particularly
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: because I didn't want everyone knowing our secrets and partially
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: because my work life was so intertwined with my personal life.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: As a manager, I really wanted to keep my work
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: life and personal life separate. So I reached out to
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: my best friend, who again, remember, was the manager of
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: this site. And I just let her know that I
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: was actually feeling quite alone and didn't feel like I
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: had much support around me. Opening up and saying that
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: is massive for me. I never open up and I
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: never ask for help. I'm a bit of a people pleaser,
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: so I don't like to feel like I'm a burden.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: But I was broken and really I needed help. The
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: reaction I got was not the reaction I expected.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: She went off.
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: She basically said it was a cop out and that
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: it was a kick in her guts. That she had
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: been supporting me and so she wasn't impressed that I
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: felt that way. She stopped talking to me for four
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: weeks and I had to be the one to reach
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: out and say, hey, let's chat. I'm going to pause
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: right here. A little bit more context is that, yes,
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: my husband and I have a beautiful child, but we
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: also have been trying for our second baby for over
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: three years. We even did two rounds of IVF where
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: we didn't end up with any embryos to transfer. It's
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: been a process and a journey. I met my friend
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: to chat and she blamed her behavior on being sick
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: because she was pregnant.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: I was livid. As bad as it sounds, in that moment,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I didn't care about her pregnancy. I was just pissed.
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: I was so angry that she would use that as
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: an excuse for being a crappy friend and that she
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: would tell me like that, knowing how much heartache it
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: would bring to me after trying for a second baby
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: for so long. The people pleaser in me let it go,
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: and we continued being friends for another month or so. Yes,
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: we probably weren't as close as what we had been previously,
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: and the friendship felt a bit strained, but we were
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: still friends. Flash forward to a few weeks after I
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: found out she was pregnant. She found out that there
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: was a complication with her pregnancy, so she chose to
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: have a medical termination at 16 weeks. Her story is
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: not my story to tell, but I can say that
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: from what I understand, if she had carried baby to term,
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: the baby might have needed surgery but could have gone
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: on to live a very happy and healthy life. Again,
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: I am not here to judge. I have never been
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: in that situation, so I don't know what I would
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: have done. But yeah, it stung. She was losing something
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: that I wanted so badly. Again, the people pleaser in
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: me came out and I put all of my feelings
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: aside and focused on being there for her.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: It really was a really, really.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: Hard time to be there for her because she shut
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: herself off. And I do understand that grief can do
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: that to you, but I felt like she was only
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: shutting me off. I was getting more information from all
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: the other friends around us than she would tell me.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: She would reply to every third text message I sent
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: her and it was really hard. But I finally agreed
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: to meet up with her. During this time, I found
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: out that I was finally pregnant. After over three years
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: of trying for a beautiful second baby, it finally happened.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: I think this was purely because I left my really
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: high-stress job, felt the stress leave my body, and finally
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: felt pregnant. I was planning to tell my best friend
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: when we met up, and obviously I was going to
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: do it in a very gentle way, considering everything that
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: she was going through with her termination. But I had
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: to cancel the meet-up because that same day, I ended
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: up in hospital having a miscarriage.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: That made her feel like I wasn't there for her
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: and she shut me out again. She would reply to
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: every fourth message but seemed to be making the effort
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: for everybody else. I don't want you to think that
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I expected her to be the same friend that she
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: had always been. All I was asking was for her
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: to give me 1% but she didn't or she couldn't.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: She then ended up cutting me out of her life completely.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: She stopped replying to my text messages, would literally run
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: away if she saw me in person and completely ignored me.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: It turned out she's telling everybody that I was never
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: there for her during the hardest times of her life.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: which is a really hard pill to swallow for me
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: considering I was there for her through everything. I was
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: there for her literally through my own miscarriage. I know
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't let it worry me because I know the truth,
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: but it doesn't bother me that she's telling other people
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: that I cut her out and wasn't there for her.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I've done lots of healing and a lot of therapy
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: because I've been through the ringer. Through all of this,
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I've actually realized that she was never really there for me. Honestly,
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: there are so many more things that happened, but I
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: would be here writing all day. I guess my question
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: or the advice I'm seeking is this. I've done the
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: work to heal my marriage. I've left my job. I've
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: healed from past trauma. But how do I heal the
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: hole in my heart from losing this friendship? I feel
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: like I can't truly move on. We live in a
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: small town and I see her multiple times a week.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: Every time I see her, a flooding of memories comes
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: rushing back. I remember the years of friendship, the good times,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: the things we went through together, and the person I
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: thought I would always be in my life. I know
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I can't control where I see her or what she does,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: but I don't know how to stop these memories from
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: affecting me so much. I get triggered when I see
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: things she posts on Facebook or Instagram, and I know
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: what I probably need to do, but I just need
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: somebody else to tell me. How do you move on
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: from a friendship when you can't completely remove the person
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: from your life? How do you accept that somebody who
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: is such a huge part of your life is no
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: longer in it, especially when you still see them all
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: the time?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Please help. Oh my gosh, my heart. Oh, I wish
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I could give you the biggest hug. Man. That is
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: so tough. Isn't it wild how... I thought that was
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: all going to be about her husband cheating. And that
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: is awful. And like, oh my gosh, my heart for you.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: But the friendship wound and breakdown is just for females.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: It is wild how much it like impacts us. I
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: know for me personally and you like. Same. Like, I
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: don't know. It just really fucking breaks your heart. It's
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: really hard to navigate. I wish I had a magic
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: solution for you, but I still feel pain sometimes of
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: friendships that have closed off. It's a heartbreak. You think,
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know why we think. as
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: a little girl, we're going to be friends forever. Whereas
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: like relationships, like you expect to go through a couple
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: and break up, but girls, I just, when it happens,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: I'm like, but why? It's so hard. It's so hard.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: It's so hard. You love them so much.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: The dense energy I feel in my body from even
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: just reading that, I just like feel your pain. And
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just so sorry that you had to go through
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: that with your husband and your best friend at the
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: same time to do that double whammy.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Like You are courageous, my love.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: And I think this is a very cliche kind of
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: conversation to have and I wish I had more for you,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: but it really is that healing is not linear.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: You know, it's like we wish that, you know, how
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: do I heal from this? And honestly, like any time
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: that I've gone through a significant friendship breakdown, which I have,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: went to therapy for like 12 months after it just
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: to process the grief from that. you have to continuously
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: choose to surrender.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. We don't have to, you get to. Yeah. That's
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: what I did. That's what I did.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: And it was the only way that it allowed me
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: to process it, think about it, think about all the
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: things that could have happened that went wrong, that could
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: have been done better. And you just, you cycle in
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: your mind and you have to almost like think through it,
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: talk through it, process it, allow.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Yourself to feel it, grieve it, you know, like.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: Actually surrender to the relationship that you thought you were
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: going to have with her long-term. And that's not an
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: easy thing to do.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: You're grieving. You're grieving. You're literally grieving. Yeah. And someone
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: who is so special. Yeah. That she doesn't go away. Yeah. It's,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: my gosh, it's so hard. Something that helped me going
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: through my friendship breakdowns too is to still surround myself
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: with the beautiful friends that I do have in my life.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Just because one's in, it doesn't mean you don't have any.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: And they remind you that you're still lovable, that you're
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: still worthy of having friendships. And that really helped like
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: heal the hole in my heart that I felt when
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: losing a friend. That's beautiful. Yeah. And whether it's your partner,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: your family, whoever makes you feel really good and makes
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: you feel really loved, like just spend more time with
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: them while you're like feeling this. And with the social
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: media thing, I don't know what you feel about this,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: but like I would mute them if you're not going
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: to unfriend them, if that feels too much. But I
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: also understand it takes me a lot to unfollow someone
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: because I feel like it's the final like. Yeah. I
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: don't want to see your life anymore. It's so true.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I find that really hard. I've got friends that are
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: brutal and be like, no, delete it out of my life.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, oh, I'm not ready for that. Like
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I still want to see what you're doing. Slowly, slowly. Yeah,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: but if it's feeling too much for you right now,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: you can mute them. You can. And then bumping into
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: them obviously is really, really hard. I would try and
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: minimize how much you see them because then minimizing the
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: triggers for yourself. You're just protecting your emotional peace. I agree.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I think like the more that you can remove them
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: from your environment, the better. Same.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I know you said that it's a little bit tricky
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: because you see them multiple times a week, but let's say,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: let's bring this back for a second. If I backtrack
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: to my past relationship when we broke up, let's say
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: like three years ago, we went to the same gym.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right. I moved gyms. Yeah, you did. I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: didn't want to.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: It was the most convenient one for me. It's literally
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: the closest one to my house.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And that's why I went. We liked going there.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: We loved going there.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: But it was like, I cannot continue going to the
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: gym anymore. If I do a set and then I
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: look up and he's there, like it would completely throw
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: my system out of whack.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: And it was every day.
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: Because he was also very consistent when every single day.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: So I knew going into the gym that I was
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: going to see him.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: And so I moved.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: Because at the end of the day, like there comes
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: a point where it's like you can consistently live through
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: the pain of seeing them and be reminded of how
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: you're feeling or you can let go.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Have a little bit of peace.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: And then when it comes up, you grieve it, you know,
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: but when you're being constantly reminded of somebody constantly running
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: into them, it's like, it's just reopening that wound, you know,
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: it's like scratching at it every single day. And I
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: feel like that also hinders healing, hinders your progress and
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: being able to like detach, move on, see things from
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: hindsight and actually be able to like gain the wisdom
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: and the knowledge from this experience that you've had. But
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: now it's just like, let me just like rub salt
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: in the wound and To remind you of what happened
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: with your husband. Oh, and to remind you of what
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: happened with your best friend.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Like it's just. And because it's so intertwined. Yeah. It's
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: so tough. It is. I'm glad you've left your job.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: All I can say is at the end of the day,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: like I say time heals all wounds and I believe
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: it does. I actually on Sunday went to Bunnings and
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: out of all the parks, I can tell you this,
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: out of all the parks pulled in and a friend
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: that I've no longer friends with, it wasn't a big event,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: like nothing bad happened at the end. We just decided
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: not to be friends anymore, but I was hurt by it.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: her and her family are in the car in front
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: of us and I've pulled in and we've got out
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: and Steve's like, why'd you pick this park, babe? I
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: was like, what do you mean? He's like, do you
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: see who's in front of us? And I turn around,
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: I'm like, but the last time I saw her was
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: at Bunnings. Oh, wow. And I was just like, oh
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: my gosh. But I felt like a little bit sad,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: but this time compared to last time, oh my gosh,
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: worlds apart. Yeah. I just was like, I'm acceptance of it.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I hope she's well. Yeah. Like she looked great. Love
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: from afar. And there isn't that like, I don't know,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: that deep hurt anymore. Yes. Would I have loved to
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: stay friends with her forever? Of course. We always hope
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: everyone in our life, we want to be friends with
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: them forever. And with your partner, you see the forever thing.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: It doesn't always work out that way, but I do
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: promise you in time, it will get better. And you
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: do need that though. If you didn't have that separation,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: it might not have felt like that. Yeah.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: You might not have been able to land in that
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: place of acceptance and be able to be like, I'm
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: at peace with this. Because you have to be.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: You have to be.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: When you go away and you have that separation, it's
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: almost like when you stop coffee, right? You have like
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: a little bit of a withdrawal phase, you know? Like
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: we all have like a vice of something and friends
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: are like that too. When you're grieving somebody who's not dead,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: who's still in your life, who you know is kind
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: of in reach but you cannot access them anymore, it's
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: a really hard thing to have to navigate.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: But I feel like you really do need that space
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: so that you can grieve on your own.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So mute on Instagram. Absolutely. Yeah. you're more than
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: okay to do that.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: And I'm sorry as well about the miscarriage. It would
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: have been really hard and to have felt like she
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: wasn't there for you in that time too.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: God, you need your friends when you're going through something
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: like that. So disheartening. So disheartening.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: And also I have compassion for both of you navigating
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: what you were both navigating because you were probably both
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: very heightened.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: And both going through something really similar, like losing a baby.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I speak to any woman that's gone through that. That
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: is one of the most painful things they will ever experience.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: And I want you to think about like when you
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: get your period, how much more sensitive you are when
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: you get your period. Imagine when you're holding grief. Do
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Like even on a good day,
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: like one week out of the month, all of us
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: are so emotional, heightened, you know, but when we're going
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: through something that is like taking and draining all of
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: our energy because it's so unbelievably consuming.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like, you know, when you get your period,
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: it's the same thing, but so much heavier, so much heavier.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: You're not going to have as much compassion. You're going
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: to be like, why aren't they there for me? And
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: this and that, you're going to get triggered more often.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: I think just like you get to have some compassion
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: for yourself. And for her, that it was a really
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: messy situation that you guys have both had to navigate.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: And then keep your heart open. Keep your heart open. Absolutely.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Something Steve, he said to me the other day that
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: like talking about friendship breakdowns, actually, And he's very closed
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: off from being hurt from past friendships that he doesn't
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: want to make anymore. I can see he tells himself,
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: he'll listen to this and roll his eyes. I think
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: he tells himself he doesn't value friendships as much as me.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: He doesn't need them. He'd rather just be with family
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: or himself, work, whatever. I think friendships are really, really important.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: I really value them. But he's like, I always admire
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: how even if you're hurt, even if you're heartbroken by
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: a friendship, you keep your heart open and you're willing
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: to trust and try again. Where he's like, I've just
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: got major trust issues that I like not see the
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: worst in people, but I assume that they're going to
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: do something wrong by me. And I don't want to
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: take that risk because you're just like this lover girl.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: It's like, hey, let's be best friends and, you know,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: like do everything together. And he's like, it's really beautiful
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: to watch. And I hope you never lose that. It
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: is beautiful. I want you listening to also keep your
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: heart open because even if this friendship hasn't worked out,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: like when you meet your next friendship, it's like same
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: with relationships. When you meet your next one, you'd be like, oh,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: there was a reason and a season and so many
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: lessons and so much I can be grateful for for that.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: And it's ended and that's sad as well. And now
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: there's someone more aligned and you get to create a
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: new chapter and a new friendship and a new relationship.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: And maybe they'll show up in a way that you
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: really need a friendship to show up and you can
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: meet each other there. And that's going to be beautiful
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: as well. I like that you use that example and
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: it is so true. You are like that.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: But use Ashley and I as an example, like both
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: of us have been through significant friendship breakdowns.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Before each other. We're feeling butthurt, like so. So butthurt. Yeah.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: Like so butthurt.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: And we both came into the gym that day feeling
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: really open.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And we lent into each other. It was a
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: choice though, wasn't it? It was a choice. It was
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: a conscious choice. Yeah.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: It was a choice to be open to new friendships
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: and having new people come in and like, you know,
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: giving people the benefit of the doubt because we do
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: value that.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: So you might've been hurt, but I want you to
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: know she's not the only one. And like what you said,
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: there will be people who are more aligned who will
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: come in and love you for all that you are
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: and meet you in.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: The middle of effort and willingness. Definitely. And your ex-friends,
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: or if you can't relate to the friendship stuff, like ex-partners,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: are not your new partner. They're a completely different human.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: And I don't think it's fair to bleed onto the
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: people that haven't cut us. We have to be super
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: aware to not do that. It's easy to assume they're
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: going to do the same thing. We've definitely done that before. Yeah.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: And your body thinks that, but give people the benefit
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: of the doubt and keep your heart open. We literally
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: spoke about this in the car, right? Stay open. Oh,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: good luck, lovely. Sending you so much love. Massive cuddle.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: You've done so well to get through that. Be kind
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: to yourself. Be open. And just, yes, sending you so
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: much love to get through this next chapter. We'll see
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: you in the next episode.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: Bye. Bye.