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666. Regulate to Lead: Nervous System Science for Responsible Influence · Daily Influence

• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Daily Influence, your daily dose of positive influence.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Brian Smith founder of IA Business Advisors and co-author of the Iain team series.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each day we share stories and insights to help you find be and build your influence in a positive and responsible way.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm Greg Clino, partner at IE Business Advisors, and co-host of Daily Influence.
• 0:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Be sure to follow, subscribe, and share Daily Influence with someone who could use a little extra positivity today.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: And make us part of your Daily routine, whether it's during your commute, on a walk, or an quiet moment just for you, because you're influenced matters.
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to Daily Influence, I'm Greg Lino.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: In today, we're talking about something so many high-achieving women quietly carry burnout.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: That goes far deeper than a busy schedule.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: My guest, Dr. Julie Merlin, licensed mental health clinician, counselor educator, burnout researcher, author, and the founder of the Souljoy brand.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: With over 30 years of experience and a deeply personal journey through burnout and healing, Dr. Julie helps women reconnect with who they truly are beyond roles expectations and self sacrifice her work brings science.
• 1:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: somatic healing and soul led transformation.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: And today we're exploring what she calls a good girl detox and how reclaiming soul joy can be one of the most responsible forms of influence we practice.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Dr. Julie, welcome to Daily Influence.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you so much.
• 1:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so happy to be here.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_02]: Could you share a bit about your background and what led you to where you are today, both personally and professionally?
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
• 1:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then a counselor for a long, long time and even before I was a professor, because I trained people to be counselors at the university, but even before I did that, I am a supervisor.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: In the world of counseling, you get a graduate degree and then 30,000 hours of supervision.
• 2:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, I was supervising all these lovely fresh souls, right?
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, we do, let's do this and about six weeks to three months later, they would come in just dragging their little bodies across the floor and I was like, what is going on with these people?
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that is where I got interested in researching burnout and compassion fatigue because that's what was happening.
• 2:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: They had no boundaries and they were giving everything to their clients
• 2:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's, as I said, that's really where I got into the research and learn that it's not just counselors.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's us women, professional helpers, we give more than we have.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I say, we can pour from an empty cup.
• 3:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: We do it all the time, but we become the empty cup.
• 3:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's, that's where the good girl detox will come in.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is so true, you know, one of the things we talk a lot about in the Iron Team series is identity, who we believe we need to be versus who we actually are.
• 3:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: You talk about identity burnout, especially for women who are seen as dependable, capable and self-sacrificing.
• 3:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: How does forcing ourselves to live from an identity that isn't sustainable, slowly erode
• 3:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 3:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is so spot on.
• 3:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: We, again, we're performing, right?
• 3:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have a role we're performing.
• 3:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we show up when we feel like crap.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: We show up when you look at the, I, I bring my calendar and go, oh, my land to why would I do all this to myself?
• 3:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: But because we're responsible, we don't cancel.
• 3:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: We show up.
• 3:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And what has happened, we've been confloading heads of competence and our worth, our purpose is tied to our productivity, not that sacred soulful purpose that brought us into the fields to begin with.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And we lose that woman who we are.
• 4:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: is buried under all these responsibilities and we have to excavate her and get her back to her soul joy and back to just you know it's like being a kid to kid destroy your wake up and you're excited and motivated but that goes away when our identity goes away.
• 4:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and that pressure to always show up can feel noble on the outside, but it often carries a hidden cost.
• 4:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Can you share a moment either with a client or in your own life where reclaiming boundaries or listening to the body led to a truly positive impact for someone else?
• 4:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
• 4:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have so many I could pull from, but I am going to be vulnerable and share my own story, which is in my book, but I guess I'm 63 now, so I was probably around 45 when it really hit me that I had given and given and given and I woke up one day and I was a shelf myself.
• 5:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it was, you know, on the surf, on the outside, it looked like I was doing everything right at San Diego, vacation, Dr. Marim and this is great.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I felt so empty and so lost.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so, just, well, it was the identity crisis.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know who I was or what I was doing.
• 5:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: And from that moment, when I can remember it, like it was yesterday, that's when I,
• 5:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: started creating the so-joy method if you will.
• 5:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's how I got myself back into my life.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Girl, I was ready to divorce my husband who I adore.
• 5:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was, oh, I was making bad decisions.
• 6:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was putting work and what I should do in front of the magic of what life should be.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So,
• 6:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, I'm also a yoga instructor so I'm very big on chakra, um, it's psychology.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I really got into my chakras psychology, trying to balance all my chakras.
• 6:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you know, I'm an academic.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not woo, woo.
• 6:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: These chakra things are very real.
• 6:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are energy beings, right?
• 6:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the once I got, and I found a really good therapist, let me not leave that off, I'm what I talk about a lot.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I become a floating head of competence.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I had no body I was attached to.
• 6:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And once I was able to start working on my shockers and really get somatically back into my body.
• 6:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And understand, oh my God, that's a stomach ache.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: What does that stomach ache telling me?
• 6:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then I take care of myself.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't until I allowed myself to get back into my body that I started healing and found my path back.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm proud to say that they were my husband 35 years and we're very happy today.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I filed for divorce.
• 7:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was just done.
• 7:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank God he's smarter than I am.
• 7:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ha ha ha.
• 7:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Dr. Julie, what is soul joy?
• 7:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it's a method.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a 12 week method to get yourself re-embodied.
• 7:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's all the things I mentioned.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's, you're going to balance your shock rise.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to learn what shock was our first, because a lot of this don't know.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to learn to balance those energy centers.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: And understand that, say your root shocker is off-kilter.
• 7:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your whole purpose is going to be off-kilter.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to be able to live authentically.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you're going to do a lot of shocker work.
• 7:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's a, it's, it's work.
• 7:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's work.
• 7:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be journaling.
• 7:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be learning how to ground yourself.
• 7:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be learning breath work.
• 8:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to be practicing some things that might be make you uncomfortable like standing in front of the mirror and saying, um,
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like I'm enough and I am everything I need to be and things that we have abandoned ourselves from as a child we're easy it's fun to do those things, but once we put on all these layers of professionalism and and degrees and expectations we abandoned that part of herself.
• 8:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of inner child work too is going to go on in the soldier and method.
• 8:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's four pillars, pillars, excuse me, I'm in Texas, excuse me, but it's coming home to yourself.
• 8:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's reigniting your relationships because we ghost our relationships so often when we're
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: We lose our connections when we're so busy.
• 9:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then have you ever, and maybe it's just maybe I'm telling myself, but the phone, you know you need to make that phone call and you're like, hey, no way.
• 9:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do I have the energy to talk to someone on the phone?
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you send a text.
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've left this out.
• 9:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I regulate nervous systems.
• 9:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what I'm doing with all the shop or work and stuff.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: But what is happening?
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have forgotten that our ears, our nervous system needs to hear other people's voices, not just to read a text I'm fine, but say, you're my best friend and I'd say, oh, I'm fine.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you know me and you're like, be as are you fine.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: What's going on with you, girl?
• 9:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have lost that art because we've gotten so busy.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our brain is the first thing when it's overwhelmed, our brain is trained to preserve energy.
• 9:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the very first things that are going to go will be connection, pleasure, pleasure in the bedroom, pleasure.
• 9:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your brain starts shutting down.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's keeping all the energy so that you're able to see your clients, so that you're able to handle crisis.
• 10:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the yummy stuff that makes life so, so livable gets shut down.
• 10:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And until we regulate that nervous system, we're not living our fullest life.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: What you're describing really refrains influence, not as doing more, but as being more aligned.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
• 10:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: I tell my clients,
• 10:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: We it's not about taking stuff out of our life necessarily it's about packing it full of joy so that there's not room for that other stuff right absolutely in your research highlights resentment as a silent signal of burnout, especially when emotional labor outpaces agency.
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: How can leaders and caregivers recognize resentment not as failure, but as information calling for responsible change.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's that's I love that.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think we have to take the shame out of that because a lot of the women I deal with are very ashamed about that emotion resentment that yeah I mean there's judgment because with it I really try to teach people to just be curious and not judge that feeling as it comes up.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: because it is giving you lots of good information and I think that we really have a responsibility to try to go into these systems and retrain them that squeezing everything out of someone is not.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not benefiting anyone.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have all this money invested in say a nurse and she ends up leaving because she's so burned out when she might have another 20 years to really
• 11:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: taking the shame out of resentment, trying to reframe it as this is just information.
• 11:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when we don't get our needs met, resentment is a very natural place to go.
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the more that we can, yeah, just train people to listen to those feelings and not judge them, I think that's very important.
• 12:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, Matt Awareness requires us to slow down and sometimes tune into places that we've ignored.
• 12:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: all the time.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: The places are so ignored.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're so right.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I, I will be working.
• 12:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's so fun because the very first thing I do with a client, if it's a therapy client or coaching client, we do a full body scan.
• 12:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when we first start that they are so like, hey, don't even know how to do this.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: What do you mean going to my body?
• 12:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: What am I feeling?
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Where?
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: and to see me evolve, to when we're about ready to exit, to go, this happened yesterday and I stopped and I did a full body scan and I recognized by heart chakra wherever it might be.
• 12:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, was doing this, so I needed to do that.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: That is so empowering.
• 12:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely, it is.
• 12:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: And you teach that recovery isn't something we can think our way into.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: That safety has to be felt in the body first.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Why is this so critical and how does reconnecting with the body restore the energy needed to lead and influence well?
• 13:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, it goes back to that nervous system.
• 13:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: regulation.
• 13:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, if our brain is sensing danger and I don't mean like some is going to punch us necessarily just oh my land I've got this appointment I've got to do that and I've signed up to do the PTA and whatever that kicks our brain into this isn't a safe time for us.
• 13:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So the brain starts conserving energy and we're not able to access all the things we need to
• 13:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Once that we are regulated, once that polyvagal system, that vagus nerve is regulated, your brain has more energy to do the things we need it to do.
• 13:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when our brain has all the energy that it needs so that we can feel all the feels so that we can be present with the ones we
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: And also, so that we have the energy to advocate for our systems, meaning go talk to my boss, something might not be working, and I need to shift this around.
• 14:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: The more that we're able to speak up and advocate for ourselves, the better the system that we work in will be.
• 14:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And
• 14:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I did a podcast on this the other day.
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have a podcast myself, but the topic was the system that we work in and you know if we're so disregulated and we're so just I'm going to get to work and go home and keep my head down and just get it done, we're not complaining at work.
• 14:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're not raising our hand going boss, this might need to be fixed so it booms the system
• 15:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: You mentioned the vagus nerve for our listeners that may not be aware of what the vagus is nerve is.
• 15:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Can you give us a little bit of information about it?
• 15:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, absolutely.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have, um, well, Dr. Steven Poor Hayes has, he developed this system and it's a great research of if anyone's interested.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: But the polyvagal system, that's our fight, flight, fawn system that it's, you know, it's been there forever and that's why we're alive.
• 15:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our ancestors had really good briefs on this.
• 15:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: But,
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: The migdala is the little almond part of our brain that triggers for danger.
• 15:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's always on the lookout for danger.
• 15:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when the migdala says, oh, honey, this is dangerous.
• 15:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your polyvagal system is going to get triggered.
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now, which is part of the vagus nerve.
• 15:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are learning so much about the vagus nerve.
• 15:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: It is so exciting.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: It regulates everything from your gut health to
• 16:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: sex.
• 16:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's a wonderful thing to know about.
• 16:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when it gets triggered, and that's its job, the meal is always on the scan to keep us safe.
• 16:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when that polyvagal system gets triggered, and it happens a lot back in the caveman days, we needed to run, right?
• 16:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: To stay alive.
• 16:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: We needed to pretend like we were dead to stay alive.
• 16:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whatever it might be.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: But today we'll get
• 16:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: hormones get dumped into our body and we have to metabolize them.
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's what leads to, like I just got over breast cancer, it leads to a lot of bad things that can happen to our body when stress is not managed.
• 16:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: That connection between science and nervous system and lived
• 16:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I have something.
• 16:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I've been asking my guests recently, are you using AI in your work?
• 17:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: And if you are, how are you using it in a way that supports humanity rather than disconnecting us further from ourselves?
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love that question.
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Especially as a professor, I just put out AI policy because, anyway, their precious students and they were very interested with that.
• 17:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I do use AI, and what I use it for, I even did a podcast episode on this, it helps me, like, in fact, I'm cooking a pot roast right this minute where I had AI put our menu together for the week.
• 17:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: And give me recipes on the things I already had in the house because into on in Texas, we're in a snowstorm, which we don't do well in Texas.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So AI has helped me clear off some things on my plate so that I do have more time to hang out with my husband.
• 17:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: We needed to go break.
• 17:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: We have.
• 17:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Several cattle and we live on our branch.
• 17:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So during the snow, we needed to go break the ice and I didn't have to go on.
• 18:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: We got to do menus and dinner.
• 18:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I already had it done and it just pop into the car with him, it's truck, but anyway, I think there's really good ways to use AI that opens up space for us so that we can have time to hang out with others.
• 18:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: But it will be interesting to see what that frontiers can look like.
• 18:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Dr. Julie, at the heart of everything you do is helping women come home to themselves.
• 18:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: For our listeners, especially women out there who want to make a positive difference, but feel exhausted and visible or stuck in obligation, what words have encouraged me?
• 18:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Would you like to offer them as they begin reclaiming their soul joy?
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
• 18:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: My, my gray mother that I called boombie was very wise.
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Morning, 1913, but she's to tell me, Julie, bud, you eat that elephant one bite at a time and that is so helpful when you're looking at all that we have to do.
• 19:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I would invite her to start with a micro boundary.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because so many of us, and this is part of the good girl detox,
• 19:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: We learned early on that to be liked was very important so that it would be part of the herd, if you will, which goes back to the Vegas nerve as well.
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I would just invite her to start with a microbram tree.
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sorry, microbram tree.
• 19:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if she's scared to say no, because so many of us are saying, now some of us have evolved and we're fine.
• 19:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I need to say no all day long, it's a thing.
• 19:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: for her who might be terrified to say no because it might hurt someone's feelings, or they won't like her.
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: She just doesn't have that bandwidth.
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I invited her to step up the micro boundary.
• 19:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: When someone asks her something, simply say, you know I need to check that calendar first and I'll get right back with you.
• 20:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: If she is activated because she was asked for something and is afraid to say no, that's going to open up space for her to find the ability to say no, even if she has to start with the text, you guys start somewhere, but it's okay, it's okay to be at a place that's scary and to feel the feels.
• 20:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is great advice, Dr. Julie, thank you for reminding us that positive and irresponsible influence doesn't start with doing more.
• 20:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: It starts with listening more deeply to ourselves.
• 20:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Your work gives permission to rest, set boundaries, and to redefine worth in a way that sustains both the individual and the people they serve.
• 20:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: If our listeners want to get in touch with you, what is the best way to do so?
• 20:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
• 20:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: My website, WWW, Julie Maryman, PhD.
• 21:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I've got all kinds of yummy things on there and also a contact page.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Great.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, Dr. Julie, thank you for the influence you're having in the world and for modeling what aligned leadership true looks like for our listeners will include links to Dr. Julie's website her book in pursuit of soul joy and her social channels.
• 21:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: So you can continue this conversation beyond today.
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for tuning into daily influence.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I hope today's conversation brought you inside an inspiration.
• 21:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: If it's spoke to you, share it with someone who could use a little positivity day.
• 21:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: Remember, small actions create big impact.
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Keep showing up, leading, and growing one day to time.
• 21:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Dr. Julie, thank you for being here.
• 21:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you.
• 21:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Until next time, stay inspired and keep having a positive, responsible influence.
• 21:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Bye-bye.