Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Highly Sensitive Women Do Not Dislike Sex!

Transcript

Highly Sensitive Women Do Not Dislike Sex! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
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  Today we're going to be addressing a myth.
• 0:12
  That highly sensitive people don't like sex.
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  Nothing could be further from the truth, and I will get into
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  that as soon as I tell you to subscribe.
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  My most recent subscriber episode was there is no way to
• 0:23
  be a loving husband without doing chores.
• 0:26
  So if you think that sounds interesting, there is that plus
• 0:29
  another 110 or so episodes, maybe more.
• 0:32
  By the time you hear this and that are only subscriber paid
• 0:38
  episodes that you will have access to if you subscribe, so
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  you should definitely do that. OK, so in my Facebook group at
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  some point somebody said something about highly sensitive
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  women not liking sex. Now that is not true at all.
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  And if there is anything that I said to indicate that, I think
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  that I do not think that my first podcast episode ever was
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  about. Ten ways to make Your Highly
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  Sensitive Woman want Sex a lot more Wife wants sex a lot more.
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  This is because of a key issue. If you are bad at sex, then
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  you're highly sensitive wife is going to feel worse about it
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  than the average person. Also, if you are better at sex,
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  she's going to like it more than the average person.
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  So what do I mean? Well, OK, first of all, there's
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  obviously no good or bad at sex. I mean.
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  There's probably good and bad at sex, but you you know what I
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  mean? Like there's sex is is very
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  unique and subjective and some people could think a guy's good
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  or a woman's good and some people think that same person is
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  bad. But what I meant more is highly
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  sensitive people are. Highly sensitive.
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  That means that they don't hate sensation.
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  They love sensation, but it has to be what they consider the
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  right sensation. So they're very picky.
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  They're very picky. They're more picky than the
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  average person. So if you are somebody with like
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  a sexual erotic blueprint and you just like penetration, and
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  it has to be like very quick with no foreplay, then the
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  highly sensitive person is probably not going to be the
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  person for you because too much sensation overwhelms them and
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  without adequate. Build up.
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  That's going to be overwhelming, you know, and that's going to be
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  painful. So for highly sensitive people,
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  a sense that they don't like like a sensory experience that
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  they don't like, turns into pain quicker than for the average
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  person. That's actually one of the
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  highly sensitive person quiz items is are you very sensitive
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  to pain? So it can turn very painful.
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  So a highly sensitive woman if you grab her boobs out of
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  nowhere may Yelp and say ow you know, whereas non highly
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  sensitive woman will just be like ugh, like kind of go away
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  but they won't feel that same like jerk of pain, you know.
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  So but on the other side somebody who can feel a lot can
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  feel a lot. So obviously that could be a
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  really good thing because they feel.
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  More, I mean, that's like the definition of a highly sensitive
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  person isn't like a highly irritable person.
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  If what you think of as a highly sensitive person is a woman who
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  keeps saying go away, go away, I need to be alone in a room to
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  decompress, That's probably a depressed person.
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  Or an anxious person, A highly sensitive person, yeah,
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  sometimes they need to decompress or get time away, but
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  they're also happy. Like being a highly sensitive
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  person doesn't mean you're depressed.
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  Being a highly sensitive person does not mean that you're
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  anxious it. It means that if something
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  happens to you, you become more depressed or anxious than a non
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  highly sensitive person. So the way, for example, that
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  borderline personality disorder happens is you get a sensitive
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  kid in a very invalidating, abusive or neglectful home and
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  so that. That sensitive temperament
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  coupled with the abuse or neglect leads to higher rates of
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  borderline personality. Then if a non highly sensitive
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  kid is in that same home. So they are not as resilient in
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  certain ways, you know, so if something bad happens, so they
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  may feel grief for longer. I'm not saying they're not
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  resilient ever, like they don't bounce back, of course they do,
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  but they just have a longer timeline on bouncing back
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  because they feel more deeply. They're like having, they're
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  like people who have one less layer of skin, so.
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  So a lot of men's predominant, not predominant primary.
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  That's also not the right word. There's some word with a Pi
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  Don't fucking know. Many men's best sexual
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  experience is with highly sensitive women, right?
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  Because a many men's best sexual experience was with women with
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  borderline personality. That's like actually a thing.
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  But because. And you want to know why?
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  I mean, what the hell I'm here, right?
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  Why don't I tell you? So the reason that.
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  With borderline personality or tend to be thought of as so good
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  and bad is they are very good at knowing what somebody wants, and
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  they're highly sensitive people. So it's kind of like my article
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  about people who are really good at giving gifts or getting
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  hints. Like people that are really good
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  at giving and receiving hints get very mad at people who are
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  not good at understanding hints. And I talked about how the
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  people who are good at understanding hints are the
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  people who. Had to listen to the footfall of
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  their their parents on the stairs to know if it's going to
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  be a good day or a bad day. Is dad drunk or not?
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  Is mom going to yell at us or not?
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  So if you grew up in a dysfunctional family where you
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  have to be constantly hyper vigilant to your parents
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  expressions and tones because you have to figure out if it's
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  going to be a good day or a bad day, then you turn into somebody
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  who understands that you know, like every facial expression on
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  a man in bed and what that means that he likes or doesn't like,
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  so you can become. The ultimate sexual partner, you
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  know, And that's not necessarily a good thing for that woman with
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  borderline personality, but it could be a good thing for the
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  partner in the short term. So it is in fact accurate that
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  people who become hyper vigilant for their parents, dysfunction
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  and potential abuse and potential yelling and drunk and
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  screaming and hysteria and whatever, those people are good
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  at reading people, they really are.
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  And what's a very good thing? That reading people can help
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  with sexual performance. Because you know exactly what
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  they want. And so that is, if you've ever
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  wanted to know why, quote crazy UN quote people are so good in
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  bed. It's because that same thing
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  that you're calling crazy is likely symptomatic of
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  personality disorder with its etiology and a dysfunctional
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  family where the person had to learn how to basically predict
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  the future from small observations in their caregivers
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  of their caregivers. So, you know, kind of really a
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  buzzkill there when you go back and you think about your various
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  experiences to think where they may have been situated and and
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  how they could have originated. But on the positive, you know,
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  not everybody is going to be somebody with borderline
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  personality, right? Because those rates are
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  extremely low. Just as I always say with
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  narcissism, rates of actual narcissistic personality
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  disorder are very low. So it's, you know, on trend to
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  call everybody and their mother a narcissist, but it's not
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  accurate and even lower rates. For borderline personality, I
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  believe, or at least commensurate.
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  So the the point here is, is that a highly sensitive person
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  can be an excellent sexual partner because they're very,
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  very sensitive. They're very observant, they're
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  very perceptive, and they understand then what you feel.
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  They're very good at empathizing, so they can really
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  get into your mind and figure out what you like and what you
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  don't like. But the other point is that
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  they're going to be very responsive to you not being that
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  way. So if you are not particularly
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  perceptive and observant about what they like and what they
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  don't like, then they may get very frustrated.
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  So people can have wonderful sexual experiences with highly
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  sensitive people in the honeymoon stage when the highly
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  sensitive person is the one that's kind of carrying the sex
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  life, and they are the one who's figuring out what you like and
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  what you don't like in any given moment and looking and assessing
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  at how you're responding. But when they go into the
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  disillusionment stage and they don't feel like doing that
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  anymore, then often the sex life goes to shit because it's all
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  riding on you and that you have disappointed that.
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  So I'm talking about the more typical pairing of a highly
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  sensitive person with a non highly sensitive person.
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  And of course as we've discussed at Infinitum, then the highly
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  sensitive person in the Disillusionments frequently gets
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  disappointed in the non highly sensitive person thinks that
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  they're not deep enough that they don't have any inner world.
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  And I call this pairing. The annoyingly satisfied husband
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  and the wife who wants more couples you meet in counseling
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  #4. I have a podcast, I have a post,
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  and that is the post that people reach out the most to get
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  therapy because of. They'll say, Oh my God, that's
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  just like me and my spouse and I didn't know anybody else was
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  like us. And meanwhile so many people are
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  It's basically a highly sensitive woman partnered with a
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  highly not sensitive man, and she used to be very, very on
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  top. Of kind of keeping both the sex
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  life and the romantic life and every part of the life moving
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  and aware of what he wanted and needed at any given moment.
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  And then at some point she was like, hold up, nobody's doing
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  this for me. And it's not like he didn't want
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  to do it for her. He just, like, isn't able to do
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  it for her because he's not a highly sensitive person.
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  So if they're in bed and she looks off into the distance, he
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  doesn't think, oh, she's bored, I'll try something else in the
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  way that she would think it if it happened on his end.
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  Instead, he's like in his own world, he's just kind of he's,
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  he's not like observing everything like under a
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  Searchlight, like the way that she does.
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  So then she ends up thinking that he's like not sensitive
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  enough and he's not responsive enough and possibly he's even
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  purposefully ignoring her needs, which isn't true and generally
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  isn't true. And then, you know, everything
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  devolves from there. So if you have a highly
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  sensitive wife, I mean obviously my very first podcast and I have
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  a post about. It is about 10 ways to make your
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  highly sensitive wife want sex a lot more, and a lot of them are
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  based on making the sensual environment a lot better.
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  So making it warmer in the house, letting her be under the
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  covers, turning the light off to a lot of foreplay, stroking
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  gently, not doing anything that hurts before or is intense
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  before she's aroused. So the same highly sensitive
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  woman that seems like she's like a prude at the beginning could
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  be like, you know your best sexual experience ever once she
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  gets. Warmed up.
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  But a lot of guys don't understand the level of warm up
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  that's needed because a lot of guys think foreplay is 5 minutes
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  of like, going down on you. And as I discussed in the oral
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  Sex on Women podcast that you want to subscribe to, listen to,
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  don't go down on a woman as foreplay.
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  I mean, I just have to say that frequently so that everybody
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  understands going down on a woman is not foreplay,
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  especially not with a highly sensitive woman because you're
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  touching her genital. She needs a lot of foreplay
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  before that. That's a main sexual event.
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  That is what we're building up to.
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  And then intercourse can come after that or or however you do
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  it. But the point is that highly
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  sensitive women do not not like sex.
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  That isn't a thing, like that isn't reality.
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  But they are much more sensitive to bad sex, what they consider
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  bad sex which is frequently somebody not paying enough
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  attention. So.
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  So when somebody goes into their own world, when they're just
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  doing the porn montage, when they're going from this to this
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  to this to this and not like checking back like.
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  With the woman, and I never mean the checking back.
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  Like, are you OK? Are you OK?
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  Do you like this? Are you OK?
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  Are you OK? Are you OK?
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  Never do that like so many guys do.
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  That The interrogation, the midstream and interrogative
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  don't do that. Women hate that.
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  If she's not OK, she'll tell you.
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  But I mean, the other thing is to just kind of stay attuned
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  more and understand that if you pay more attention to this
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  woman, then she could deliver like a very intense sexual.
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  Experience and and have one herself she's not just a
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  delivery vehicle and it it could be far above you know what what
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  you imagine her her potential is because you may not have been
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  taking the time to really realize that she needs like all
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  of this. You know mental which is like
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  the talking and the being close and the compliments and all that
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  that's mental foreplay and then physical foreplay and if you
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  rush through either of those and with a highly.
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  Person. They're definitely going to look
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  like somebody. They're going to approximate
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  somebody who hates sex. But that isn't, that isn't real,
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  you know. And it's also why things are so
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  different in the honeymoon stage, even more so for highly
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  sensitive women, because they were so sensitive to those in
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  love hormones. They're sensitive to everything,
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  you know, so they they were so drunk on those new love hormones
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  more than, not highly sensitive people even much more because
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  they feel everything more. And so they were so in love with
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  you that it was like life changing, a transformational
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  They probably were in tears about how much they were in love
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  with you. And then when that goes away,
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  it's an even bigger, you know, descent, you know, back to
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  normal. And so if they don't have any
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  education about honeymoon stage and what that is, then they may
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  blame it on you. You know that you must have done
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  something insensitive and what the fuck you doing sensitive
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  shit all the time. So it's not like they they don't
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  have anything to to call. Fall on as an example.
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  They certainly do, but it's not really that.
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  It's because they're so highly sensitive that in the beginning
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  they were this like huge engine and motivator and feeler.
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  They were like the whole feeling system of the relationship.
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  And then when they go into disillusionment stage, it could
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  be a a massive change, even more so than for not highly sensitive
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  people. So I hope that you leave this
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  not disillusioned, but wanting to explore the full vast
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  potential of your highly sensitive partner because.
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  Because they can be the best sexual partners, because they're
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  so perceptive and because they're so observant, and
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  because they feel so much. You want somebody that feels a
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  lot, right? I mean, you don't want somebody
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  who feels nothing. So you definitely want somebody
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  who feels a lot. But you got to be careful with
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  what you have. There's obviously, as with
• 14:29
  everything, say it with me. There's no free lunch.
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  Alright guys, hope you found this useful and I'll talk to
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  y'all soon. Bye.
• 14:37
  Bye.