Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 10: Perfectionism, Sneakers and the Lie of Getting it "Right"

Transcript

10: Perfectionism, Sneakers and the Lie of Getting it "Right" · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:03
  Speaker: Hey there.
• 0:03
  Speaker: Before we jump into this one, just a quick heads up.
• 0:06
  Speaker: I start by talking about a pair of new sneakers, but the real thing I'm talking about is that familiar pull to get every tiny decision just right.
• 0:16
  Speaker: I recorded this while I was still noticing myself slip back into those old perfectionistic habits.
• 0:22
  Speaker: So if you've ever ordered something, open the box and immediately thought, hmm.
• 0:26
  Speaker: Do I keep this or do I send it back and then proceed to waste Way too much mental energy on that question.
• 0:34
  Speaker: You'll get this one.
• 0:35
  Speaker: It's a small story, but it shows a pattern that a lot of us fall into.
• 0:41
  Speaker: Alright, let's get into it.
• 0:43
  Speaker: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:53
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 1:04
  Speaker: Let's jump in.
• 1:05
  Speaker: Hey, beautiful soul.
• 1:13
  Speaker: I just wanted to do a quick recording here.
• 1:17
  Speaker: Um, I'm actually just sitting in my car.
• 1:19
  Speaker: I just came from a walk with my brand new sneakers and, that's relevant because these sneakers had me think about this constant ongoing battle I have with banishing, my perfectionistic thoughts.
• 1:37
  Speaker: This sounds weird, but hear me out.
• 1:39
  Speaker: I, I'm someone who, likes to pick perfect things and make perfect decisions.
• 1:47
  Speaker: I'm that person who reads all the reviews on any website that I order, and, you know, tries to balance the top reviews with the low reviews and the pros and cons.
• 1:58
  Speaker: Um.
• 1:59
  Speaker: You can't imagine why I, you know, I, why I get tired in the day.
• 2:04
  Speaker: But anyway, so I needed to get a pair of shoes.
• 2:06
  Speaker: I wanted something to slip on easily.
• 2:08
  Speaker: So that when I take the puppy out for a walk, I don't have to waste time tying my shoes.
• 2:13
  Speaker: I know it sounds lazy, but it's a convenience thing.
• 2:15
  Speaker: Anyway.
• 2:17
  Speaker: Finally after bookmarking a bunch of different styles, I decided on one, I was gonna go for it, and they arrived today.
• 2:25
  Speaker: And I slipped them on and I was like, uh, I don't know.
• 2:30
  Speaker: Well, maybe they're not so attractive.
• 2:32
  Speaker: They might be running a little bit big.
• 2:34
  Speaker: And I could just see that rumination engine wanting to take off and waste hours of my time in second guessing and doubting.
• 2:46
  Speaker: I have been in the past, somewhat notorious for returning things in the pursuit of buying the perfect thing.
• 2:53
  Speaker: Even though I'm constantly being alert to my own perfectionistic thoughts and also trying to coach other people around me to move away from it, it's just funny.
• 3:03
  Speaker: I just get sucked into the trap.
• 3:04
  Speaker: So this is how bad it is.
• 3:07
  Speaker: I had to shut down this overthinking.
• 3:10
  Speaker: I just took the leap.
• 3:12
  Speaker: It was like I was taking some gigantic leap off a cliff by cutting off the tags, carrying the boxes to the recycling, and I'm like, that's it.
• 3:20
  Speaker: They're good enough.
• 3:21
  Speaker: It's gonna work.
• 3:22
  Speaker: Don't overthink this.
• 3:23
  Speaker: Okay.
• 3:24
  Speaker: It's all gone now.
• 3:24
  Speaker: No chances to return.
• 3:26
  Speaker: Close that door.
• 3:26
  Speaker: Boom.
• 3:27
  Speaker: Okay, great.
• 3:29
  Speaker: I was like, I am just going to, rather than obsess, I think it was, um, Dr.
• 3:35
  Speaker: Ellen Langer, who is.
• 3:38
  Speaker: A psychology professor at Harvard, and if I'm not mistaken, she was the first female tenured psychology professor at Harvard.
• 3:47
  Speaker: Anyway, she said something to the effect of, rather than, you know, spending all this energy, making the right decision, make the decision right.
• 4:00
  Speaker: And I was like, yes, Dr.
• 4:01
  Speaker: Langer, that's what we're gonna do.
• 4:03
  Speaker: I'm not gonna obsess about these shoes because it's literally ridiculous.
• 4:07
  Speaker: Huh.
• 4:07
  Speaker: So then I went for a walk with them and I started to notice how, oh, they feel really big, and, oh, I'm pretty sure my left foot is pronating more because it, you know, the, the toe box or whatever it's called is kind of big.
• 4:23
  Speaker: And I started thinking maybe I could still return them, you know, I haven't worn them much.
• 4:28
  Speaker: And I'm like, no, I can't do that.
• 4:29
  Speaker: And then I'm like, wait, no, I closed that door.
• 4:31
  Speaker: Remember I got rid of the box and the tags, I can't return them anyway.
• 4:34
  Speaker: And.
• 4:35
  Speaker: Why am I sharing all this?
• 4:37
  Speaker: I just started to think about the amount of time, the amount of energy, like just the pure life force that I have spent.
• 4:48
  Speaker: If I were to add up all the hours through my many, many, many years on this planet, I don't know what I could have accomplished if I redirected those hours to something else.
• 5:00
  Speaker: I don't know if any of you are.
• 5:02
  Speaker: Um.
• 5:02
  Speaker: Finding yourself in the same situation.
• 5:05
  Speaker: And what's bizarre is that I can do this for the really big things in life, like trying to make the perfect decision about what job to take, where to live, et cetera, all the way down to a silly pair of sneakers.
• 5:22
  Speaker: I mean, after the sale price and using some of my points I paid not that much for them, and I am wasting my whole evening feeling bad about a decision about sneakers, which a year from now is really not gonna matter.
• 5:38
  Speaker: So that's one of the games I try to play with myself.
• 5:41
  Speaker: I try to think, well, I ask myself a series of questions, number one.
• 5:45
  Speaker: Is this gonna matter a year from now, two years from now, five years from now?
• 5:50
  Speaker: Is there anything I can do about it?
• 5:53
  Speaker: Is it worth the energy to try to do something about it relative to where I could be spending my time?
• 5:59
  Speaker: And as it relates to sneakers?
• 6:02
  Speaker: Yeah, this wasn't such a big deal.
• 6:05
  Speaker: But for those of you who like me.
• 6:09
  Speaker: Have that tendency towards perfectionism.
• 6:12
  Speaker: It is something to be really mindful of.
• 6:15
  Speaker: I mean, as I understand it, perfectionism, I don't know if it's for all of us, but apparently it's very much a trauma response.
• 6:23
  Speaker: I know for me growing up, there were consequences to making mistakes.
• 6:30
  Speaker: Not only.
• 6:31
  Speaker: Maybe being yelled at or ridiculed, but possibly physical punishment as well.
• 6:37
  Speaker: And it could be like the smallest of things, you know, leaving something by the front door that somebody could trip on.
• 6:43
  Speaker: Setting the table and putting the cutlery in the wrong spot, like seemingly random things.
• 6:49
  Speaker: And over time, to try to be perfect, to be invisible, to not create waves.
• 6:57
  Speaker: Simply became a way to be safe.
• 7:01
  Speaker: And it's so hardwired in me that it feels very unsettling to, to have anything that feels short of perfection.
• 7:13
  Speaker: But the crazy thing is like, what is perfect for somebody who's constantly looking for what might be wrong or what mistake I might have made?
• 7:23
  Speaker: I don't know that I've ever had that moment where.
• 7:27
  Speaker: I thought, wow, okay.
• 7:29
  Speaker: Finally I've done something.
• 7:31
  Speaker: And the result, the outcome, the decision is perfect.
• 7:34
  Speaker: I mean, everything evolves.
• 7:35
  Speaker: Everything changes.
• 7:36
  Speaker: I don't know what perfection looks like.
• 7:39
  Speaker: I suppose when my daughter was born and I looked at her and I thought, oh my God, she's perfect.
• 7:44
  Speaker: So I suppose there are some things that are perfect in the sense that they embody perfect love, you know?
• 7:53
  Speaker: But in the day to day, if you find yourself caught in that constant, falling short, feeling disappointed, like somehow you're always screwing up.
• 8:03
  Speaker: I'd invite you to take a deep breath, give yourself a ton of grace.
• 8:09
  Speaker: Recognize that this.
• 8:12
  Speaker: Compulsion towards perfection is just that part of your ego.
• 8:18
  Speaker: It's that voice, it's that lie in your mind that's trying to keep you safe.
• 8:23
  Speaker: And we can treat it with a lot of love and compassion and say thank you.
• 8:26
  Speaker: Thank you for showing up.
• 8:28
  Speaker: I know you're trying to keep me safe.
• 8:30
  Speaker: I am safe.
• 8:31
  Speaker: I am.
• 8:32
  Speaker: Well, this really doesn't matter as much as you're trying to convince me that it does, and it's not gonna matter a year from now, five years from now.
• 8:40
  Speaker: Obviously there are some bigger decisions in life that will matter five years from now, but to go back to what Dr.
• 8:48
  Speaker: Ellen Langer said, if we spent even half as much time trying to make a decision, right, versus trying to make the right decision in the first place.
• 9:00
  Speaker: In other words, spend more time just trying to make it work, make a decision, and then invest everything.
• 9:07
  Speaker: Being happy with it, grateful for it, making it work.
• 9:12
  Speaker: Uh, we would just be generally more happy, more free, a lot less tired.
• 9:18
  Speaker: At least that's my thoughts tonight as I walk with my imperfect shoes on a beautifully perfect fall evening when I'm recording this in my car.
• 9:29
  Speaker: Which is another thing, right?
• 9:31
  Speaker: I thought, oh, I'm gonna just.
• 9:32
  Speaker: Pop into my car now on my walk and record a few things, and then my mind goes, oh, I don't know.
• 9:38
  Speaker: What's the audio gonna be like?
• 9:39
  Speaker: That's not gonna be good enough.
• 9:40
  Speaker: How ironic.
• 9:42
  Speaker: I thought I'm gonna talk about perfectionism while I am obsessing about whether the sound quality in my car is gonna be good enough, or if anyone's gonna comment on it sounding crappy.
• 9:53
  Speaker: So.
• 9:54
  Speaker: It's the battle is real, my friends, but there's freedom on the other side, and it just takes a moment, I think guided by compassion.
• 10:05
  Speaker: If you could throw a little humor and laugh at yourself even better.
• 10:08
  Speaker: And let's just commit together not to sweat the small stuff.
• 10:12
  Speaker: Recognize our perfectionism is just a way that we coped in our lives up until now, and we can put it down.
• 10:21
  Speaker: We can banish that lie, that things need to be perfect in order for us to feel safe and happy and to recognize there is way, way more freedom in loving what's imperfect, doing things messy, not overthinking, not spending so much effort to trying to get it right, to avoid looking wrong, to avoid criticism.
• 10:44
  Speaker: For most of these things that we worry about, they really don't matter.
• 10:49
  Speaker: So that's a thought I wanna leave you with, uh, today.
• 10:54
  Speaker: Hope you, well, what I meant to say is I hope you're well.
• 10:58
  Speaker: I just made a mistake.
• 10:59
  Speaker: I hope you well.
• 11:00
  Speaker: Um, and I'm gonna love myself through my imperfection and so should you talk soon, Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 11:13
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 11:17
  Speaker: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 11:20
  Speaker: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 11:23
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 11:28
  Speaker: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.