Latest / Just Listen To Me / Not All Therapy That Feels Powerful Is Emotionally Safe
Transcript
- Julia Shay: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen To Me. If love, healing or therapy feels confusing right now, you're not broken and neither is your nervous system. Let's slow this down together. Today I want to explore something that can be difficult to talk about with nuance, especially online where conversations about therapy often become very black and white. And in many ways, this episode is a continuation of a conversation I began a few weeks ago in my episode, Not All Therapists Are Safe. Because after releasing that episode, I realized there was another important layer we needed to explore more carefully. Why emotionally unsafe therapy does not always initially feel unsafe? Because therapy can be deeply healing. Safe, ethical, emotionally attuned therapy can genuinely change lives. But at the same time, not all therapy is emotionally safe. And one of the reasons emotionally unsafe therapy can be so confusing is because it often does not feel unsafe in the beginning. In fact, can initially feel powerful, intense, transformative, comforting, emotionally relieving, deeply validating, or even spiritually significant. And I think this is one of the most important things people are rarely taught. Unsafe dynamics do not always enter our lives wearing obvious warning signs. Sometimes they enter through relief, through feeling seen. through emotional intensity, through finally feeling understood. And this matters because therapy is not just an intellectual process. It is a relational experience, a nervous system experience, an attachment experience, particularly during periods of vulnerability. And today I want to slow this down carefully and compassionately. not to create fear around therapy, not to shame vulnerability, and not to suggest that emotionally meaningful therapy is automatically dangerous, but to explore the difference between emotional intensity and emotional safety, because they are not always the same thing. One of the things I often say is this, human beings become more vulnerable to influence during periods of emotional distress. This is not weakness, this is humanity. When people are grieving, lonely, traumatized, heartbroken, emotionally overwhelmed, disconnected from themselves, or desperate for relief. The nervous system naturally becomes more focused on finding safety, finding regulation, finding connection, finding hope. And when someone enters therapy carrying years of pain, confusion, attachment injury, or emotional isolation, finally feeling emotionally seen can feel incredibly powerful. Sometimes, overwhelmingly powerful, particularly for people who have spent years emotionally dismissed, misunderstood, criticised, invalidated or emotionally alone. So when a therapist suddenly feels deeply attuned, intensely validating, constantly available or emotionally consuming, the nervous system can interpret that intensity as safety, healing, connection. But emotional intensity and emotional safety are not always the same thing. And I think this distinction matters enormously. One of the clearest examples of this is what I sometimes call fast emotional intimacy. This is where the therapeutic relationship becomes emotionally intense. very quickly. The client may feel, I've never felt this understood before. They understand me better than anyone. This feels life changing already. I feel emotionally attached very quickly. Now importantly, emotional connection in therapy is not inherently wrong. A good therapeutic alliance matters. Feeling emotionally safe matters. Feeling emotionally seen matters, but emotionally safe therapy usually develops gradually, collaboratively, with pacing, with boundaries, with containment. Unsafe dynamics, can sometimes involve emotional overreach, blurred boundaries, rapid emotional intensity, idealization, or subtle dependency creation. And because the nervous system experiences the relationship as emotionally significant, the client may not initially experience this as unsafe. They may experience it as finally feeling alive, finally feeling connected, finally feeling emotionally held. And this is where discernment becomes very important. because nervous system activation can sometimes feel very familiar and similar internally to deep emotional connection. I think another really important piece of this conversation is understanding that emotionally unsafe therapy is not always intentionally malicious. Sometimes therapists themselves are emotionally unboundaried. unresolved in their own attachment needs, over identified with the rescuer role, or unconsciously seeking emotional importance through clients. And because therapy involves relational power and emotional vulnerability, these dynamics can become complicated very quickly, particularly when clients are emotionally distressed. One of the things I've noticed repeatedly in both therapy and broader relational systems is that emotionally vulnerable people often override their own intuition when emotional relief is strong enough. And again, this is not because people are foolish. It's because the nervous system prioritizes relief during periods of overwhelm. If someone has spent years feeling alone, fragmented, panicked, emotionally unseen, or deeply dysregulated, then finally feeling emotionally connected can feel profoundly meaningful. And this is why emotionally unsafe dynamics can sometimes form very gradually. Not through obvious danger, but through attachment, intensity, validation, relief, dependency. I also think we need to talk more openly about the difference between co-regulation and dependency. Human beings absolutely need safe co-regulation. We are relational creatures. Safe relationships help nervous systems feel calmer, steadier, more grounded, more emotionally integrated. Safe therapy can absolutely help people repair attachment wounds, strengthen emotional regulation, reconnect with themselves, and build greater self-trust over time. But emotionally unsafe therapy can slowly create something different. The client may begin feeling, I can't trust myself without them. I need them to tell me what's real. They understand me better than I understand myself. I feel emotionally destabilized when I'm away from them. And slowly, the relationship begins moving from support towards psychological dependency. This is one of the reasons emotionally safe therapy should gradually strengthen self-trust, autonomy, internal stability, and connection to self, not slowly replace them. Another thing I think is incredibly important to understand is that the nervous system often responds to emotional safety before the conscious mind fully understands why. Safe therapy tends to feel steady, grounded, collaborative, boundaried, predictable, emotionally containing. not emotionally chaotic, not psychologically consuming, not dependent on intensity. And over time, emotionally safe therapy should help people feel more connected to themselves, more emotionally clear, more grounded in reality, more capable of trusting their own perceptions, more emotionally resilient. not increasingly dependent on the therapist relationship itself. Because ultimately, the goal of healthy therapy is not emotional captivity, it is greater freedom, greater self-trust, greater emotional safety, and more secure connection to self and others. And before we finish today, I also wanted to let you know that this coming Thursday, I'll be releasing my new foundational online course, Not All Therapists Are Safe, How to Choose a Counselor with Integrity. This course explores many of the themes we've discussed today in greater depth. Emotional safety, discernment, attachment systems, nervous system vulnerability, dependency dynamics, relational power, and what emotionally safe therapy actually looks like in practice. My hope is that the course feels thoughtful, grounding and empowering, particularly for people who may be trying to make sense of confusing, therapeutic or relational experiences. Therapy can be profoundly healing, but because therapy is powerful, emotional safety and discernment matter deeply. I'll place all the details in the episode description if you'd like to explore it further. And maybe that's where I'll leave today's conversation. Emotional intensity is not always the same thing as emotional safety. What feels powerful, consuming, relieving, or deeply emotionally activating is not always what helps the nervous system move towards greater steadiness, self-trust, regulation and secure connection over time. Safe therapy should not gradually disconnect you from yourself. It should help you reconnect with yourself more deeply, more clarity, more grounding, more autonomy, more emotional safety. And if this conversation resonated with you, I hope it reminds you of something important. Discernment is not cynicism. You are allowed to move slowly. You are allowed to ask questions. You're allowed to notice how your nervous system feels in relationships. And you are allowed to prioritize emotional safety. Thank you so much for being here with me today. You're not broken. Your nervous system has simply been trying to protect you. I'll see you soon with another episode.