Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 92. Our TOP 3 non-negotiables in significant others… ARE WE TOO STRICT?!

Transcript

92. Our TOP 3 non-negotiables in significant others… ARE WE TOO STRICT?! · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
0:16
Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
0:19
Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for
0:29
Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello everybody, Welcome back to
0:32
Speaker 1: She Rises. Ashi and Tiana.
0:34
Speaker 2: We want to talk to you all about our non
0:36
Speaker 2: negotiables in dating and significant others and why they're so important.
0:40
Speaker 1: I think this episode may not ruffle a few feathers,
0:44
Speaker 1: but may make you go, oh, they're a bit strict. Wow,
0:47
Speaker 1: they've got rules, And I can understand because I think
0:51
Speaker 1: a couple of years ago I would have thought that too,
0:53
Speaker 1: because I didn't have strong boundaries and a poorer reflection.
0:57
Speaker 1: I've always bent my boundaries to fit in with everyone else,
0:59
Speaker 1: because I was fearful that people wouldn't like me, accept me,
1:02
Speaker 1: or love me if I was more strict than what
1:04
Speaker 1: I wanted. I had high standards of who I wanted
1:07
Speaker 1: my life and how I wanted them to be. And yeah,
1:10
Speaker 1: I've learned actually okay to have standards. Yeah, and it
1:13
Speaker 1: helps you have deeper connections and people that are really
1:15
Speaker 1: aligned with who you are and what you value. And
1:18
Speaker 1: the relationships are just better when you're on the same
1:21
Speaker 1: page with that kind of stuff.
1:22
Speaker 2: And that's actually a really important part of relationships to
1:25
Speaker 2: have boundaries, non negotiables and standards. Yes, so you can
1:28
Speaker 2: navigate relationships with people better without it breaking down or
1:32
Speaker 2: feeling like you just end up feeling super resentful to
1:34
Speaker 2: those people.
1:35
Speaker 1: And how much easier is a relationship dynamic when you
1:38
Speaker 1: share the same values. Oh, it makes it so much easier.
1:40
Speaker 1: We talk about this all the time.
1:42
Speaker 2: Oh my god, like you and I we just like
1:43
Speaker 2: everything feels seen. Yeah, as we do see life in
1:46
Speaker 2: a similar way.
1:47
Speaker 1: Even to the point of how we eat. You're talking
1:49
Speaker 1: about like if you would to be with someone who
1:50
Speaker 1: didn't value eating healthy to some people, I'd be like, oh,
1:53
Speaker 1: we just enjoy different foods. But if you love eating
1:56
Speaker 1: healthy and live on a high protein diet and your
1:58
Speaker 1: partner wants to go to McDonald's all the time, it
2:01
Speaker 1: would cause iickiness, of course, and you'd be like, well,
2:03
Speaker 1: I don't want to eat like that and that doesn't
2:04
Speaker 1: so you and it's just a small example. No, but
2:07
Speaker 1: it makes sense.
2:07
Speaker 2: It does because it creates gaps in the relationship. It's like, oh,
2:11
Speaker 2: where this moment where we could have connected, we're actually
2:14
Speaker 2: pulling away from each other instead. Yes, having different lifestyles,
2:17
Speaker 2: doing different things, having different hobbies, even in moments like that,
2:19
Speaker 2: like you can kind of separate.
2:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I wanted to talk about one that when
2:24
Speaker 1: I first heard you say, I was a bit like,
2:26
Speaker 1: oh gosh, that's a lot, or that's strict or I
2:30
Speaker 1: had the moment of thinking, good luck finding someone then
2:33
Speaker 1: meets this standard and that's dissolved away. Now it's like,
2:37
Speaker 1: of course you have that, you don't want it in
2:38
Speaker 1: your field, especially in an intimate relationship. And I can
2:41
Speaker 1: relate because Steve is no longer it's around our coal. Yes,
2:44
Speaker 1: Steve is no longer a drinker. And I can't tell
2:46
Speaker 1: you how much deeper our connection is because I felt
2:49
Speaker 1: like our coal was always if we ever thought about anything,
2:51
Speaker 1: it was drinking. Our whole relationship, if we ever had
2:54
Speaker 1: any blow ups or fights, it was always evolved around drinking.
2:56
Speaker 1: And now that's just like gone, and it doesn't align
2:59
Speaker 1: with our relationship and our health goals and our values
3:02
Speaker 1: and our family. It just doesn't fit anymore. It's not
3:05
Speaker 1: to shame anyone that drinks. I have friends like SHE'SI
3:07
Speaker 1: my longest, oldest best friend. She loves to drink and
3:09
Speaker 1: she likes getting silly. Your hens is coming up and
3:11
Speaker 1: she is excited to get loose and like, good on her. Yeah,
3:14
Speaker 1: you know, it's not to shame anyone that does drink.
3:16
Speaker 1: It's just in an intimate relationship. We're talking about our
3:18
Speaker 1: non negotiables, and for you it's to be with someone
3:21
Speaker 1: that doesn't drink, and your last couple of partners have
3:23
Speaker 1: not been drinkers. Yeah, so you tell us a little
3:25
Speaker 1: bit more about that.
3:26
Speaker 2: This non negotiable for me is just a standard that
3:28
Speaker 2: I've held for myself, probably since I don't know, twenty twenty,
3:31
Speaker 2: maybe I think when I first started coming away from
3:34
Speaker 2: regularly drinking and only starting to, you know, maybe have
3:37
Speaker 2: one drink on a birthday, like a red wine.
3:39
Speaker 1: Or something like that, and then not long.
3:41
Speaker 2: It's been probably about three years now since I've even
3:43
Speaker 2: had a drink, And that for me is a non
3:46
Speaker 2: negotiable because it's the standard I hold for myself because
3:49
Speaker 2: I've been in the past where I've had alcohol in
3:51
Speaker 2: my life, and to now not have alcohol in my life,
3:54
Speaker 2: I realize that I don't need it, you know. And
3:56
Speaker 2: I think, when I think about this, I'm like, I
3:58
Speaker 2: want a partner who's going to be on the same
3:59
Speaker 2: side of that as me, because it's just going to
4:02
Speaker 2: allow us to be much more connected, to be on
4:04
Speaker 2: the same team, to be, you know, moving towards the
4:07
Speaker 2: same direction in life. And for me to have a
4:08
Speaker 2: partner who has the same values in that is really
4:11
Speaker 2: important to me because for me automatically, I think, Okay,
4:15
Speaker 2: if I'm going to have a partner who actively likes
4:16
Speaker 2: to drink, and again, no problem with that. But if
4:18
Speaker 2: I have a partner who wants that and I don't
4:20
Speaker 2: want that, and we're going for a date night at
4:23
Speaker 2: dinner and he wants to have four drinks, immediately I
4:26
Speaker 2: feel disconnected. Yeah, but not because there's anything wrong, but
4:29
Speaker 2: because emotionally I would feel disconnected.
4:32
Speaker 1: It also is your state, that's right, they're not as
4:33
Speaker 1: conscious that part of the brain kind of starts to
4:35
Speaker 1: switch off after you've had a couple of drinks.
4:37
Speaker 2: And then when I think about, okay, maybe we go
4:39
Speaker 2: to some event where we're celebrating friends or whatever, and
4:42
Speaker 2: then they have a big night.
4:43
Speaker 1: The next day, I want to get up early in
4:44
Speaker 1: the morning.
4:45
Speaker 2: I want to go for a walk and go for
4:46
Speaker 2: breakfast and have a beautiful Sunday, and then that partner
4:48
Speaker 2: is going to be in bed day because they hung
4:50
Speaker 2: over a shit. Yes, and like, again, there's nothing wrong
4:52
Speaker 2: with that.
4:52
Speaker 1: You know what you value. I know what I.
4:53
Speaker 2: Value, yeah, And I know what I'm also like when
4:56
Speaker 2: I'm on it, I don't feel as clear, i don't
4:58
Speaker 2: feel as headstrong, I feel more emotional. It messes with
5:01
Speaker 2: my hormones. It messes with my emotionin it mess up
5:04
Speaker 2: with the way that I feel about myself. When I
5:07
Speaker 2: noticed that and I feel that, I'm like, immediately, that's
5:09
Speaker 2: going to do that for my partner too, which means
5:11
Speaker 2: he's not going to show up is his best version
5:13
Speaker 2: of himself either. It might seem strict, it may sound
5:16
Speaker 2: like that to a lot of people, but it's just
5:18
Speaker 2: the boundary that I have in my life. And I've
5:20
Speaker 2: recently had somebody come into my life who is a
5:23
Speaker 2: little bit.
5:23
Speaker 1: More lenient with that.
5:25
Speaker 2: But I was dating very briefly and it was a
5:28
Speaker 2: conflict for me. It was a conflict of interest of
5:31
Speaker 2: my values, and I had a really hard time like
5:34
Speaker 2: accepting that. And that was something that he even said
5:37
Speaker 2: he felt like I wasn't super adaptable in those believed standards.
5:40
Speaker 1: But that's the thing.
5:42
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be adaptable in my boundaries and
5:44
Speaker 2: standards on those things because it's important to me, right,
5:47
Speaker 2: But people are going to not intentionally make you feel
5:51
Speaker 2: like you're too much, make you feel like you're too strict,
5:54
Speaker 2: like you're too much, like you should soften your boundaries,
5:57
Speaker 2: when in reality you don't have to do any of that.
5:59
Speaker 1: We're trying to do that to make it fit with
6:01
Speaker 1: what they want.
6:01
Speaker 2: Because they want to continue doing those things. Yes, right,
6:04
Speaker 2: but then when you allow it, obviously they're not benefiting
6:07
Speaker 2: from it.
6:07
Speaker 1: Yeah. So and once again, it's not that what they're
6:10
Speaker 1: doing is wrong, it's just not the right fit for you,
6:13
Speaker 1: that's right. That's obviously. You know. One of the reasons
6:16
Speaker 1: why you're not fit with that man is because he's
6:19
Speaker 1: in this phase where he still wants to do that,
6:20
Speaker 1: and not that he was crazy, I.
6:22
Speaker 2: Call not at all, far from it, far from it,
6:25
Speaker 2: far from a man but incredible, man, You're in different
6:27
Speaker 2: phases of your life and he still values that and
6:30
Speaker 2: wants to fit in with that and wants to more
6:31
Speaker 2: settle down and stop that in ten years time, and
6:33
Speaker 2: you're like, well, that's going to hinder my progress and hinder.
6:35
Speaker 1: Where I want to go next, where I want to be. Yeah,
6:38
Speaker 1: it just didn't fit. So it's yeah, it does sound strict,
6:41
Speaker 1: but it just makes total sense.
6:43
Speaker 2: But also that's the really important thing about being open
6:45
Speaker 2: and honest with your standards and non negotiables from the
6:48
Speaker 2: very beginning. Yes, because whilst it's uncomfortable to have those
6:52
Speaker 2: hard conversations, you're also getting really clear if that person
6:55
Speaker 2: is meant for you or not. Because instead of me
6:57
Speaker 2: waiting until you know, twelve months time, being like, oh,
6:59
Speaker 2: by the way, and non negotiable for me.
7:01
Speaker 1: Is I don't want you to drink?
7:02
Speaker 2: Yeah you know, or I would prefer you don't see
7:04
Speaker 2: that you in drinking. Then in twelve months time, we've
7:07
Speaker 2: just spent all this time together building a relationship for
7:09
Speaker 2: something that we actually don't align on. Being honest from
7:12
Speaker 2: the get go is going to serve you ten times
7:14
Speaker 2: more than trying to be the cool one.
7:17
Speaker 1: So When Channa first came to me and we were
7:19
Speaker 1: talking about this non negotiable because he said he has
7:22
Speaker 1: a couple of drinks when he goes, you know, to
7:23
Speaker 1: Arrave or something. You said to me, do you think
7:26
Speaker 1: I'm being too much? Do you think I'm being too strict?
7:28
Speaker 1: And I said no, However, I do think relationships sometimes
7:31
Speaker 1: there is compromise. And I said to you, I just
7:33
Speaker 1: wanted you to make your own decision, but I just
7:34
Speaker 1: like opened up this conversation. How would you feel if
7:38
Speaker 1: it was just once or twice a year? Is there
7:40
Speaker 1: compromise in that? Would you want to bend on that?
7:42
Speaker 1: Because he still enjoys that he's not abusive or me,
7:44
Speaker 1: and he doesn't change too much and sometimes only has
7:46
Speaker 1: one or two or two? Yeah, how did you feel
7:48
Speaker 1: when I suggested that? And where did you go from there?
7:51
Speaker 2: Well, when we had that conversation, I did think to myself.
7:54
Speaker 2: Initially my first body of response was no, yes, immediate no.
7:58
Speaker 2: But then also like I was like, I like this
8:00
Speaker 2: man like I want to be, you know, maybe for quality,
8:03
Speaker 2: so many beautiful qualities, is so incredible. I want to
8:05
Speaker 2: just think very highly of him. And I just was like, Okay, well,
8:08
Speaker 2: he's openly told me that he doesn't have a bad
8:10
Speaker 2: relationship with alcohol, and it's never been something that he's
8:13
Speaker 2: needed to restrict himself from because he's never overdone it. Yeah,
8:16
Speaker 2: like he'd probably been clubbing four times in his whole life. Yeah,
8:19
Speaker 2: you know, so it never really had an unhealthy relationship
8:21
Speaker 2: with it. And so initially my initial body response was
8:25
Speaker 2: absolutely not, like this isn't non negotiable for me.
8:27
Speaker 1: This is a hard no.
8:28
Speaker 2: But the more time I spent with him, I was like, Okay,
8:31
Speaker 2: what does that look like for him? And getting clarity
8:33
Speaker 2: on where he sits with all of those things. And
8:35
Speaker 2: so I did end up having a conversation with him
8:38
Speaker 2: about being like, if it is one or two times
8:40
Speaker 2: a year where you know, you just want to have
8:42
Speaker 2: a beer or whatever it is, I'm like I could
8:45
Speaker 2: probably get around it. I can feel my body is
8:47
Speaker 2: resistant to it. Yeah, like I could feel my body
8:49
Speaker 2: was like, oh, I'll do it, but I don't really
8:51
Speaker 2: want to.
8:52
Speaker 1: So in the end, would that have been a non negotiable.
8:55
Speaker 2: It is now I saw myself wanting to entertain it
8:58
Speaker 2: yeah and just be like okay, cool, I can wanting
9:00
Speaker 2: to be adaptable adaptable, adaptable, bendy compromise, Okay, cool, Like
9:04
Speaker 2: I can't really tell on what they want to do.
9:06
Speaker 1: But now after being out of that, I'm like, it's
9:08
Speaker 1: a non negotiable. Yeah.
9:09
Speaker 2: Like the next person I call in like, they've got
9:12
Speaker 2: to be a non drinker, Like it just is. I
9:14
Speaker 2: honestly would find it really challenging to not feel like
9:17
Speaker 2: I was on the same page with my partner if
9:18
Speaker 2: they were a drinker.
9:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I feel very similar. I have a bad
9:22
Speaker 1: history with not me personally being a drinker, but growing
9:25
Speaker 1: up with an abusive stepfather who was an alcoholic. A
9:27
Speaker 1: lot of people in my family drink a lot, watch
9:29
Speaker 1: a lot of girlfriends go down bad paths. It's just
9:31
Speaker 1: I tried to be a drinker.
9:33
Speaker 2: I tried to do the social thing, trying to make
9:34
Speaker 2: it happen, be the party girl.
9:36
Speaker 1: And it just never really worked. I just couldn't get
9:38
Speaker 1: into it. So for me now, Steve's only been a
9:41
Speaker 1: non drinker now for the last year, but the last
9:44
Speaker 1: couple of years he cut back a lot, and not
9:46
Speaker 1: that he was ever raging, alcoholicue or anything. And anyone
9:49
Speaker 1: that knows Steve, he's a big teddy bear he was
9:50
Speaker 1: never mean or abusive or anything. But for me, it
9:53
Speaker 1: was a disconnection. And if we ever thought it was
9:56
Speaker 1: when he was drinking, because you're not talking to Steve.
9:58
Speaker 1: Then I called him Barry. I named him. Really, it
10:01
Speaker 1: was like Bazza's here, Baza. I don't want to date
10:03
Speaker 1: Bazza Yeasa. It is connecting. It doesn't remember that conversations,
10:07
Speaker 1: it's not as deep, and it never felt good. And
10:09
Speaker 1: then when he decided, you know what, what am I doing?
10:12
Speaker 1: This doesn't serve us, It doesn't serve me, It doesn't
10:14
Speaker 1: serve where we want to go. And he hasn't been
10:16
Speaker 1: a drinker since, and it's like it deepened our connection
10:19
Speaker 1: so much more. I feel so much just I don't
10:21
Speaker 1: have say so, right, but I've never felt unsafe with him,
10:23
Speaker 1: but it just feels like we're so much more united
10:26
Speaker 1: as a team, and I really feel like our values
10:29
Speaker 1: truly aligned, and it's just deep in our connection, like
10:32
Speaker 1: we're better than we ever have been. And alcohol, yeah,
10:34
Speaker 1: it just doesn't fit in with that. It really doesn't.
10:37
Speaker 2: I remember around the point where Steve actually stopped drinking,
10:40
Speaker 2: and this has been something even in conversation We've had
10:43
Speaker 2: many conversations about around how drinking is actually not a
10:46
Speaker 2: value of yours, and it was creating this conflict between
10:48
Speaker 2: you two. And I remember you being to this point
10:51
Speaker 2: where you were like, I'm ready to like walk away
10:54
Speaker 2: if I have to. Yeah, if it means this is
10:57
Speaker 2: going to continue. Can you share a little bit about
11:00
Speaker 2: that if you feel comfortable.
11:01
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think after meeting you and hearing your non negotiables,
11:04
Speaker 1: And it was an argument that Steve and I had
11:06
Speaker 1: around drinking and like, once again, Steve's not a mean
11:11
Speaker 1: drunk or anything like if anyone's been around him, he's
11:13
Speaker 1: just cool. But for me, being an intimate relationship with
11:15
Speaker 1: him and having two young children, it was also a
11:18
Speaker 1: value of mine to not have taj or tala c.
11:21
Speaker 1: It'd be normal to have a drink when you go
11:23
Speaker 1: for date night, when you go for a game of
11:25
Speaker 1: golf or at the footy. That I didn't want that
11:27
Speaker 1: to be normalized. So just started to become really clear
11:30
Speaker 1: for me that this is just not something I want
11:32
Speaker 1: in my field. Yeah, and it's always been the biggest
11:35
Speaker 1: cause of our arguments. Take that away. We really don't
11:39
Speaker 1: argue much. It just made so much sense. So I
11:42
Speaker 1: did get to a point where I was like, I
11:44
Speaker 1: don't think I want this in my life at all.
11:46
Speaker 1: And yeah, it was a really hard conversation, but getting
11:49
Speaker 1: through the discomfort, he also was like yeah, and he
11:52
Speaker 1: wasn't addicted, so he's like, it's not hard for you
11:54
Speaker 1: give up. Yeah, he says there's times where he's like, yeah,
11:56
Speaker 1: being at the footy, like a nice cold beer would
11:58
Speaker 1: be nice, but it's just not in our field anymore.
12:00
Speaker 1: But yeah, did get to a point where I was like, actually,
12:02
Speaker 1: don't want this around me at all in my intimate relationship.
12:05
Speaker 1: And it's different with friends when they have a glass
12:06
Speaker 1: of wine for their birthday. I'm not an inter relationship
12:08
Speaker 1: with him me different. It was so normalized for him
12:11
Speaker 1: growing up, and he also didn't have a bad relationship
12:14
Speaker 1: with it like the man that you were seeing. For him,
12:16
Speaker 1: it was always fun and connection with his boys. Adventure
12:19
Speaker 1: or positive association has positive associations, which is really something
12:23
Speaker 1: helpful that Megs you helped me through as well because
12:25
Speaker 1: she'd had a lot of those positive associations with it too,
12:29
Speaker 1: so helped me understand where Steve was coming from. Sure,
12:31
Speaker 1: because for me, it was all dark energy. It was bad.
12:33
Speaker 1: It was like, there's no good in this.
12:35
Speaker 2: It's like everything he experienced with your stepdad and all
12:37
Speaker 2: of that, it was drinking at home.
12:39
Speaker 1: Is that right? And now my relationship when we thought
12:41
Speaker 1: it was based around alcohol and that would have been
12:43
Speaker 1: so triggering for you.
12:44
Speaker 2: It was a little girl who was exposed to that
12:47
Speaker 2: and so young and being exposed all of that.
12:49
Speaker 1: Then we brought up all of your stuff. Yeah, so
12:51
Speaker 1: it's been over a year now he hasn't drank. And
12:53
Speaker 1: it wasn't like, oh, if you have a drink again,
12:54
Speaker 1: I'm going to divorce you. Yeah, it wasn't like that
12:56
Speaker 1: at all. It's just like, hey, it just isn't working
12:59
Speaker 1: for me anymore. Like I just don't want in my field.
13:00
Speaker 1: When we go to date night or anything, it just
13:02
Speaker 1: doesn't feel as connecting. And I love you and I
13:05
Speaker 1: love us, and I see a future with us, but
13:07
Speaker 1: I don't think I see alcohol being in that. Yeah,
13:10
Speaker 1: where are you out with that? You know? Yeah?
13:12
Speaker 2: I remember you just feeling so grounded, and that's the
13:14
Speaker 2: way that you like even spoke about it. You're just
13:16
Speaker 2: so certain, sure, but like grounded and soft in it.
13:19
Speaker 2: It was just so beautiful to women. I wanted for
13:21
Speaker 2: me with my family, for my relationship with my children.
13:23
Speaker 2: And when you had that conversation, it was like not
13:26
Speaker 2: an easy decision for him.
13:27
Speaker 1: I'm sure it was. He had his own experience, but
13:29
Speaker 1: it was like, of course, yeah, he met you there,
13:31
Speaker 1: he met me there, he met you there. Yeah, and
13:32
Speaker 1: we worked through it together and it's been beautiful ever since.
13:34
Speaker 1: And that's not something And I'm not saying we will
13:37
Speaker 1: never have a drink again. Like We've even had discussions
13:39
Speaker 1: when we go to Europe, I'm like, oh, I wonder
13:40
Speaker 1: at a beach club would we want to enjoy a drink?
13:43
Speaker 1: I don't know. And every time I've done that, like
13:45
Speaker 1: when I've gone to the Maldives of War, I'm like, yeah,
13:47
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have a drink by the beach and I
13:48
Speaker 1: take one sip and I'm like, I don't even like
13:52
Speaker 1: the taste of it. Yeah, And the thought of feeling
13:54
Speaker 1: shit the next day, it is not worth it for me.
13:56
Speaker 1: I feel you. This conversation has been all around olcoholic.
13:59
Speaker 1: I know it gives context to go in depth about it,
14:02
Speaker 1: and maybe we could have see on the podcast one
14:04
Speaker 1: day to share his experience with it as well. Phys
14:07
Speaker 1: his experience with our coho is totally different to mine.
14:09
Speaker 1: So once again, in relationships, when you're bringing to people together,
14:12
Speaker 1: you're bringing two worlds and trying to make the mesh.
14:15
Speaker 1: It takes a lot of conscious, hard conversations and that's
14:18
Speaker 1: a beautiful thing about a relationship. And for me, that's
14:20
Speaker 1: a successful relationship as one that kind of have those
14:23
Speaker 1: conversations and meet together. And what works five years ago
14:27
Speaker 1: might not work now. What worked for us when we
14:29
Speaker 1: were twenty doesn't work for us now where we're at
14:32
Speaker 1: in our lives and with children, it's changed. I've changed,
14:35
Speaker 1: and it's important to honor where you're at right now.
14:38
Speaker 1: See fo Yeah, love it, that's cool. I love this conversation.
14:42
Speaker 1: I know what's our next one one that we really
14:47
Speaker 1: talk about often and even in our friendship, in other friendships,
14:51
Speaker 1: in any relationship, dynamic actually is full transparency. I feel
14:55
Speaker 1: I over communicate with Steve anything that I'm doing, and
14:58
Speaker 1: not because he's demanding it. I just like to over
15:01
Speaker 1: communicate details and where I'm at and what I'm doing everything,
15:05
Speaker 1: so there's never anything missed. If I ever feel like
15:08
Speaker 1: someone is not being fully transparent to me, it makes
15:12
Speaker 1: me question if something's hidden, and a lot of the
15:14
Speaker 1: times there is a hidden detail. So then when there
15:17
Speaker 1: is a hidden detail and your evidence of that, it
15:19
Speaker 1: creates cracks in the relationship because the trust is now
15:21
Speaker 1: not there. If you're hiding that one little detail, what
15:25
Speaker 1: else are you hiding? And I understand why people hide
15:27
Speaker 1: things I'm guilty of, but I've done it before as well.
15:29
Speaker 1: I'm not sitting here in my high hole saying I'm
15:31
Speaker 1: perfect and everything. If I've ever done that out of
15:34
Speaker 1: fear or someone else has done that to me out
15:36
Speaker 1: of fear, once again, there's a crack in the relationship.
15:39
Speaker 1: It's not truly connected if you don't have trust and
15:41
Speaker 1: safety and that is your foundation. That's not the standard
15:44
Speaker 1: of relationship I want in my life anymore. Full transparency
15:48
Speaker 1: and consideration to how that will impact me and our
15:52
Speaker 1: relationship is so important. Yeah, it's a big one.
15:56
Speaker 2: Transparency is a big one because I feel like, obviously
15:58
Speaker 2: everyone has different levels of what transparency looks like.
16:01
Speaker 1: That's true.
16:02
Speaker 2: You know, some people it's a stronger value. Some people
16:04
Speaker 2: it's not as strong. Everything that you just said, I
16:06
Speaker 2: could not have said it better. You've nailed it on
16:08
Speaker 2: the head of Like when you over communicate. It makes
16:12
Speaker 2: sure that the relationship is good because you're taking into
16:14
Speaker 2: consideration how your transparency is going to create safety in
16:17
Speaker 2: the relationship.
16:18
Speaker 1: You prevent anything slipping up later or coming up like, oh, well,
16:21
Speaker 1: I thought I assumed that you'd be okay with that.
16:23
Speaker 1: Why would you ever assume you don't know how I'm
16:25
Speaker 1: feeling in that moment. Assuming is the opposite of open communication.
16:29
Speaker 1: Should never assume anything you know how they're gonna feel.
16:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, the transparency of just letting people know beforehand for anything,
16:35
Speaker 2: I feel like it just prevents so much in the relationship.
16:37
Speaker 2: And also it shows the other person that it's safe
16:39
Speaker 2: and that I mean, at least for me when people
16:41
Speaker 2: tell me things and I feel considered in those moments
16:44
Speaker 2: of transparency. What it makes me think is like, oh,
16:47
Speaker 2: I can trust this person.
16:48
Speaker 1: It does create instant trust.
16:50
Speaker 2: This person is reliable, this person is going to be consistent.
16:52
Speaker 2: So this person has a beautiful qualities about them that
16:55
Speaker 2: I know. Yeah, all of those things, And I think
16:58
Speaker 2: that's so nice. Like to have transparency just means that,
17:01
Speaker 2: especially transparency and hard moments too.
17:04
Speaker 1: Yeah, because and you.
17:05
Speaker 2: Know, wow, this person absolutely didn't have to have this
17:08
Speaker 2: conversation with me, respect me.
17:09
Speaker 1: Enough to do it? Yeah, now do it? And they
17:11
Speaker 1: don't assume that I can't hold it. Yeah, that's a
17:13
Speaker 1: big one too. Is like sometimes we get scared to
17:16
Speaker 1: tell the full truth because we're scared they won't be
17:17
Speaker 1: able to hold it. But like, at least give them
17:19
Speaker 1: the opportunity, like who you don't think that they can't
17:22
Speaker 1: handle that and hold that.
17:23
Speaker 2: It's like disempowering people, yes, to think like the better word, Oh,
17:27
Speaker 2: that person's not going.
17:28
Speaker 1: To be able to hold her. I don't want to
17:29
Speaker 1: hurt their feelings.
17:29
Speaker 2: But actually you're just preserving yourself from having to do
17:32
Speaker 2: something that feels uncomfortable.
17:33
Speaker 1: Yes, can we talk about something? Bring it in? Okay?
17:37
Speaker 1: A man that you were dating, Yeah, the day before
17:41
Speaker 1: he left for a European holiday? What was he not
17:45
Speaker 1: transparent about? And how did we? I say we because
17:48
Speaker 1: I was there with you every step of the way. Okay,
17:50
Speaker 1: how do we navigate that through? And you just have
17:53
Speaker 1: a fucking gold medal for that? Are you open to.
17:55
Speaker 2: Tie and open to telling his story? And good lord,
17:59
Speaker 2: are you guys ready for the tigu?
18:00
Speaker 1: Get your popcorn?
18:02
Speaker 2: This was so uncommemfortable challenging and equally like fueled my.
18:09
Speaker 1: Rage when you called me and told me, and then
18:11
Speaker 1: when I related to Steve, we were both just like,
18:13
Speaker 1: what the actual fuck is this man doing? How did
18:17
Speaker 1: he ever think this was going to be? Okay? Talk
18:19
Speaker 1: about lack a fucking transparency? Oh my god, Okay, and
18:23
Speaker 1: rewind you had had a transparency conversation with him the
18:26
Speaker 1: week before about something else he wasn't oh about like
18:29
Speaker 1: a staff member that he had, oh, the old relationship.
18:32
Speaker 2: It was, yes, yes, it was one of his best
18:35
Speaker 2: friends that he had obviously had been intimate with.
18:39
Speaker 1: There was something and didn't tell you, and she works
18:41
Speaker 1: in the business and all that sort of stuff. It
18:42
Speaker 1: was lack of transparency. So that's when you were like, hey,
18:45
Speaker 1: this is really important to me moving forward. Like, I
18:47
Speaker 1: guess you didn't know how important this is to me now,
18:49
Speaker 1: but moving forward, transparency is really important. Gout any details.
18:52
Speaker 1: I can handle it, I can hold it. That's what
18:54
Speaker 1: I want the foundation of our relationship to be.
18:56
Speaker 2: I actually said to him, I would prefer you to
18:59
Speaker 2: hurt my feelings in the moment then to not be transparent.
19:02
Speaker 2: So just no, even if it's uncomfortable, bring it forward.
19:04
Speaker 2: To me, because I will respect you so much more
19:07
Speaker 2: if you're just willing to say the hard thing and.
19:08
Speaker 1: It won't create cracks of distrust in our relationship. So
19:11
Speaker 1: fast forward, It's a day before he flies out for
19:13
Speaker 1: a three week European Vaca solo trip.
19:16
Speaker 2: This was something that he had booked before we had met,
19:20
Speaker 2: So he had told me obviously that he was going
19:21
Speaker 2: on a trip, right, but this was something that he
19:23
Speaker 2: was looking forward to. He had booked before we were dating,
19:26
Speaker 2: paid for all paid for. Yeah, everything was already locked in,
19:28
Speaker 2: even all of the exploration trips and all the sorts
19:31
Speaker 2: of things, so all of the little in between things
19:32
Speaker 2: that he was going to do, everything already.
19:34
Speaker 1: Booked and paid.
19:35
Speaker 2: And the day before he left, I was at his
19:39
Speaker 2: house and we were having dinner, and he so happened
19:42
Speaker 2: to slip in there that he.
19:44
Speaker 1: Was going with someone, not just anyone, not just anyone,
19:48
Speaker 1: A woman, a gorgeous a woman, a European woman.
19:53
Speaker 2: Here's the thing, right, he need to be failed to
19:55
Speaker 2: mention this at all, right because he I honestly, and
19:57
Speaker 2: to be honest, I didn't ask who he was going
19:58
Speaker 2: with because he didn't mention anybody.
20:00
Speaker 1: So he told you it was solo, and he's in
20:01
Speaker 1: this business group. Yes, meeting them at a certain occation,
20:03
Speaker 1: but the rest was solo. That's right, that's right.
20:05
Speaker 2: So he said that he was going to be traveling
20:08
Speaker 2: with this group of people, but I just assumed that
20:10
Speaker 2: he was going on his own, yeah, as well, And
20:12
Speaker 2: then he mentioned that he was actually going to meet
20:14
Speaker 2: with this woman overseas who was going to like chaperone
20:17
Speaker 2: him around, who he had met through family. So it
20:20
Speaker 2: was like, let's say his uncle's wife's cousin or something
20:25
Speaker 2: like that, right, so he claimed that she was his
20:27
Speaker 2: cousin through marriage or whatever. Yeah, but he failed to
20:30
Speaker 2: mention this for months that we were dating. The night
20:34
Speaker 2: before he fucking left, he told me, and I was
20:36
Speaker 2: just like, what do you mean, Like, you're going with
20:38
Speaker 2: another woman.
20:39
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, but she's technically my cousin. I'm like,
20:40
Speaker 1: what do you mean technically? Who is she? What's her name? Like?
20:43
Speaker 2: Tell me about her, like if she's family, like tell
20:45
Speaker 2: me And he's like, yeah, I've spent probably like a
20:47
Speaker 2: total of like a week with her. I met her
20:49
Speaker 2: through you know, my uncle's wife's cousin. That's who she is.
20:52
Speaker 2: And you know she just said, if you're ever in overseas,
20:54
Speaker 2: like come and I'll show you around. And so he
20:56
Speaker 2: booked his trip with the intention to meet her overseas.
21:00
Speaker 2: So for the first leg and the last leg of
21:02
Speaker 2: his trip, he went to go to Paris, the most
21:05
Speaker 2: romantic fucking city in the world, with this woman. They
21:09
Speaker 2: didn't stay in the same accommodation, but they were spending
21:11
Speaker 2: every day together, going to romantic dinners together. He was
21:14
Speaker 2: going to dinners in tuxedos with her, but didn't post anything.
21:18
Speaker 1: About it, but she did and yes, we saw. But
21:21
Speaker 1: that's the thing.
21:21
Speaker 2: I'm like, if it's your cousin, why you're not posting her? Yeah,
21:24
Speaker 2: if it's not discreet or something that you have to
21:25
Speaker 2: be sneaky about, why would you not post about it?
21:28
Speaker 2: And then he was like trying to like reassure me
21:30
Speaker 2: that it was like nothing like that. And he booked
21:32
Speaker 2: it before they had left, and he couldn't hit him
21:34
Speaker 2: want to, you know, cancel last minute and all that
21:36
Speaker 2: sort of stuff, And I just had to go through
21:38
Speaker 2: the motions of like finding out the night before he left,
21:41
Speaker 2: then having to deal with it for three weeks while
21:44
Speaker 2: he was away, and him constantly knowing that he was
21:47
Speaker 2: actively going for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her every
21:49
Speaker 2: single day.
21:50
Speaker 1: It wasn't just to show him around a museum. No,
21:52
Speaker 1: it wasn't. Yeah, they spent the trip together. They spent
21:54
Speaker 1: the trip together.
21:55
Speaker 2: It wasn't a one you know, let me take you
21:57
Speaker 2: to this museum, like what you just said. It wasn't hey,
21:59
Speaker 2: let's meet up once and catch up and then you
22:01
Speaker 2: go do your own thing. It was every single day
22:04
Speaker 2: they were together. And I was like, what the fuck
22:06
Speaker 2: is happening. This is so bizarre that this is even happening.
22:09
Speaker 2: I was so triggered. And then the last leg at
22:12
Speaker 2: the trip, they ended up cooking worse.
22:13
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
22:14
Speaker 2: They went to Venice and they fucking shared accommodation. And
22:18
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, this might sound crazy because like he
22:20
Speaker 2: claimed that it was his cousin, but I don't believe it.
22:22
Speaker 2: I don't believe that it was his cousin because he
22:24
Speaker 2: didn't really know her. He had spoken to her for
22:26
Speaker 2: like a week. They knew each other through association and
22:29
Speaker 2: technically related through marriage or whatever, but like, I don't
22:32
Speaker 2: call my third cousin's cousin on marriage side, like you don't.
22:35
Speaker 1: They're not related. And I remember you saying to him, also,
22:39
Speaker 1: how do you feel if I was going to America
22:41
Speaker 1: in meeting up with my uncle's wife's brother in law's cousin,
22:45
Speaker 1: some hot man, some hot who's six six you tan, tall,
22:50
Speaker 1: dark hands and muscly young, amazing, how did you feel?
22:53
Speaker 1: And he was like absolutely not. Yeah, he mention going
22:56
Speaker 1: to Bali and USA and he was on a girl
22:59
Speaker 1: ship and he was triggered as far, Oh my god,
23:01
Speaker 1: he was trying to convince you not to go. Ker.
23:02
Speaker 1: He is on this European baker with this girl that
23:04
Speaker 1: you've never met, that he's sharing a combination with that
23:07
Speaker 1: I'd never heard of. It was that he told you
23:09
Speaker 1: the night before.
23:10
Speaker 2: And you know a different story if this person comes
23:13
Speaker 2: around and it's like someone that they've actively mentioned, you know, like,
23:16
Speaker 2: oh my god, by the way, my cousin, she's someone
23:18
Speaker 2: I stay with when I go here, you know, blah
23:20
Speaker 2: blah blah. And I knew about who this person was,
23:22
Speaker 2: but really close, I felt like so blindsided by that
23:25
Speaker 2: information that I didn't have time to adjust. And I
23:28
Speaker 2: had said to him, if you had just told me
23:30
Speaker 2: this months ago when you booked story, and you had
23:33
Speaker 2: all of these little things books that you actively knew
23:35
Speaker 2: that you were going to be fucking would held the
23:37
Speaker 2: information from me. If you had just told me back then,
23:39
Speaker 2: I would have been okay with it, or I would
23:41
Speaker 2: have had time to talk with you about the triggers
23:43
Speaker 2: and things that were coming up for me, and I
23:45
Speaker 2: would have felt more comfortable with it based on the transparency.
23:48
Speaker 2: But because you've hit it from me now, he actively said,
23:51
Speaker 2: I didn't tell you because I thought it might upset you.
23:53
Speaker 2: That's when you know you're doing something wrong.
23:55
Speaker 1: That's back to this point of non negotiables is a
23:57
Speaker 1: lack of transparency. It created so many cracks. That's three
24:01
Speaker 1: weeks is awful for you. Oh my god, it was
24:02
Speaker 1: so terrible. It was so exhausting. So high props off
24:05
Speaker 1: to you really held that so incredibly well. Steve and
24:07
Speaker 1: I were like, wow, she is doing amazing. Like, yes,
24:10
Speaker 1: you were really triggered, but you still were conscious of
24:12
Speaker 1: not ruining his trip, conscious of the conversations that you
24:15
Speaker 1: had and held it like wanted him to have a
24:17
Speaker 1: good time. Crying at home, like really struggling with this,
24:20
Speaker 1: knowing too well that he would not accept you going
24:23
Speaker 1: on a girls holiday, let alone, a holiday solo with
24:26
Speaker 1: some hot man. Yeah, and she was posting tons of
24:29
Speaker 1: photos of them together at these rests.
24:30
Speaker 2: She created a highlight of them and all their romantic
24:33
Speaker 2: photos and stuff.
24:34
Speaker 1: And I'm like, cousin, where anyone listening is going to
24:36
Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, they were so one hundred percent.
24:39
Speaker 2: But you know what, Like it's the little things guys like,
24:41
Speaker 2: and I know you guys will know what I'm talking about.
24:43
Speaker 2: Is like he didn't post her at all, didn't post
24:46
Speaker 2: anything from the tree.
24:47
Speaker 1: Just sounds so dorgeo.
24:48
Speaker 2: Nothing saying about loud, didn't post anything, didn't tag her
24:52
Speaker 2: when I was on FaceTime with him.
24:54
Speaker 1: He was never in the room, never around her, but
24:56
Speaker 1: I knew that she was there.
24:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm like, okay, if it was fine and
25:00
Speaker 2: a friend or a cousin or family member, hey tit.
25:03
Speaker 2: This is da da da Like, never introduced us, never nothing,
25:06
Speaker 2: And I'm like, you are shadier shit. Yeah.
25:09
Speaker 1: Now I reflect back, I'm like, this story's wild. It's
25:11
Speaker 1: so crazy.
25:12
Speaker 2: I just like one, I can't even believe that I
25:14
Speaker 2: allowed it to happen. I should have known, but I
25:17
Speaker 2: was trying so hard to consciously work through it in
25:19
Speaker 2: the moment, yes, and work through my own triggers as
25:22
Speaker 2: opposed to make.
25:23
Speaker 1: It about him. And then once I got back and
25:25
Speaker 1: all of the things kind of it crumbled. And a
25:27
Speaker 1: beautiful quality about tears. She always is very aware of
25:30
Speaker 1: her stuff and wants to take responsibility for what's showing
25:33
Speaker 1: up for her, and when she gets triggered, she's like, Okay, cool,
25:35
Speaker 1: this is something I need to work on. I need
25:37
Speaker 1: to look into and it's so nice and beautiful in
25:39
Speaker 1: such an incredible trait that I wish a lot more
25:41
Speaker 1: people had. But it's also at your default sometimes overtake responsibility.
25:45
Speaker 1: And this was on him, Like, this was not you. Yeah,
25:49
Speaker 1: and yes, you got to practice, and I know that
25:51
Speaker 1: you've said you're really grateful for practicing being able to
25:53
Speaker 1: hold that trigger and also being able to communicate your
25:55
Speaker 1: boundaries and be way more clear on like what you
25:57
Speaker 1: will and not settle for.
25:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, but this was on him. Honestly, it was definitely
26:02
Speaker 2: on him. And I had to go through that to
26:03
Speaker 2: learn that. Yeah, but you know what I am proud of.
26:05
Speaker 2: I'm proud of somebody who actually deserves me to behave
26:09
Speaker 2: that way.
26:09
Speaker 1: Will get that version of me.
26:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, because I've been able to do it
26:12
Speaker 2: with people who didn't deserve it.
26:14
Speaker 1: Yeah.
26:15
Speaker 2: But anyway, that was thanks for holding me through that,
26:18
Speaker 2: because that was just a big three week.
26:19
Speaker 1: That was a whirlwind.
26:20
Speaker 2: It was if I ever want to go through that again, girls,
26:23
Speaker 2: if he's telling you that it's his cousins, probably fucking
26:25
Speaker 2: not my god, Oh my god, or like the oh way,
26:30
Speaker 2: like she's like, my sister, shut the fuck up.
26:32
Speaker 1: You're lying. Sorry, no, so true. So that is our
26:36
Speaker 1: other non negotiable, So the drinking and the lack of
26:39
Speaker 1: transparency because it creates cracks in the relationship, distrust and
26:44
Speaker 1: the opposite of open communication, which is something we really
26:47
Speaker 1: value in all dynamics, not just intimate relationships.
26:50
Speaker 2: We've already kind of touched on this a little bit,
26:52
Speaker 2: but we want to kind of bring it in fully.
26:53
Speaker 2: Is like the last non negotiable is consideration.
26:56
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it's so huge.
26:58
Speaker 2: Like the partner or anyone in our lives has got
27:01
Speaker 2: to have a certain level of consideration for how their
27:04
Speaker 2: behavior and choices are going to impact us and who
27:07
Speaker 2: we are emotionally.
27:08
Speaker 1: Because how you show up, how you speak, the decisions
27:10
Speaker 1: you make will have impact on the people in your lives.
27:14
Speaker 1: So to have people that don't consider their actions and
27:18
Speaker 1: how it will impact you, it's a hard no.
27:21
Speaker 2: And you know what, when I think about it, it's
27:24
Speaker 2: because I know I can give that. Yeah, I know
27:27
Speaker 2: that I'm overly considerate of people, and I like being that.
27:29
Speaker 2: I enjoy being that way because it's no longer just
27:32
Speaker 2: about me. And don't get me wrong, I have been
27:34
Speaker 2: the person who has been so selfish where I did
27:36
Speaker 2: not consider anyone outside of myself. Yeah, me too, be
27:38
Speaker 2: that girl, right, But being this way makes me feel
27:42
Speaker 2: so much more connected to the people that I love.
27:44
Speaker 1: And also it's that safety right.
27:47
Speaker 2: Yes, sometimes it is hard to adapt to bring somebody
27:50
Speaker 2: else into your life and integrate them into your life. Sure,
27:53
Speaker 2: but when you are bringing somebody into your life, that's
27:55
Speaker 2: your responsibility. It is to take care of them, to
27:58
Speaker 2: be kind, to respect them, to think about them, to
28:01
Speaker 2: consider them, at least by my standards. No, I love it,
28:04
Speaker 2: and you know you would hope that the other person
28:06
Speaker 2: would want to do that for you. That's what creates
28:08
Speaker 2: safety and relationships.
28:10
Speaker 1: I'm with you on that. I once saw a coach online.
28:12
Speaker 1: I think it's Preston smiles, and he said that when
28:15
Speaker 1: you're with someone your their nervous system is fifty percent
28:18
Speaker 1: your responsibility. Were like that. I was like, that is
28:20
Speaker 1: so true. When you're that plugged into your intimate partner,
28:24
Speaker 1: your actions, your tone, your energy, the way you speak
28:26
Speaker 1: to them, how you show up is going to impact them.
28:29
Speaker 1: So their nervous system, Like, that's part your responsibility to nurture,
28:32
Speaker 1: to soothe, to help to coregulate. That's a beautiful thing
28:35
Speaker 1: about relationships is you get to do that together. You
28:38
Speaker 1: don't have to do that by yourself. Yeah, And to
28:40
Speaker 1: have someone that can do that with you, it's like
28:43
Speaker 1: a love language. It's so free, it really is.
28:44
Speaker 2: Hey, it's like immediately you want to spend more time
28:47
Speaker 2: with that person because you feel so safe in that environment.
28:49
Speaker 2: And then on the contrast of that, when you're with
28:51
Speaker 2: somebody who doesn't consider you, how triggered are you all
28:53
Speaker 2: the time?
28:54
Speaker 1: Right? Your nervous system is.
28:55
Speaker 2: Activated you next, Yeah, and then you also don't feel
28:59
Speaker 2: as cared for, like prioritized and loved.
29:03
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it just doesn't feel good. So there are
29:06
Speaker 1: non negotiables we would love I would love to know
29:09
Speaker 1: some of yours. If you guys are in our Facebook forum,
29:12
Speaker 1: please head over. Is there a non negotiable? Like maybe
29:14
Speaker 1: it's drugs, like recreational drugs. Maybe it's no negotiable to
29:18
Speaker 1: have each other's passwords or your locations on their phone.
29:21
Speaker 1: I've got a girlfriend who is non negotiable. They have
29:23
Speaker 1: to have each other's locations on She wants their full
29:25
Speaker 1: transparencies to wear. They're out all the time. I don't
29:28
Speaker 1: have that one, but like good, I know, yeah for sure.
29:30
Speaker 2: Maybe another non negotiable is no pawn. Yeah, yeah, and
29:34
Speaker 2: I'm not far off the girl.
29:36
Speaker 1: Yeah, we'd love to know. Should start a little thread
29:39
Speaker 1: in the forum. If you're not in there, you can
29:40
Speaker 1: just add yourself in. It's just she rises on Facebook.
29:43
Speaker 1: We'd love to know. Yeah, let us know. Thanks for
29:45
Speaker 1: joining us and we will see you on Friday for
29:47
Speaker 1: Freaky Friday. And already bye