Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Marry An Intellectual Equal

Transcript

Marry An Intellectual Equal · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everyone, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom, show, today, I'm going to talk about the idea of
• 0:11
  Marrying, an intellectual equal, I see frequently in my practice
• 0:15
  when one spouse is considered smarter than the other.
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  This doesn't usually go well and I'll explain why and to what
• 0:22
  extent I mean this but before that please do subscribe, I have
• 0:27
  lots of cool. Subscriber only episodes coming
• 0:31
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  parenting. Is oral sex on women.
• 0:37
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• 0:40
  lot of interesting discussion in there about subjects related to
• 0:44
  all the ones that we discuss here on the show.
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  So moving on when I see people in my office that so, well,
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  let's go back. So what do I mean by
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  intellectual equals? So there are ways in which
• 1:00
  everybody can be smart, you know, but but like there's
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  there's people God. Better smarter than others.
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  I mean there's like an IQ test, right?
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  So, there are ways in which pragmatically, like, people have
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  proxy variables for intelligence.
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  So this might be somebody who's extremely high achieving in
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  school with somebody lower achieving in school and it might
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  be somebody who, you know, makes more money.
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  Although that's not so super good.
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  Proxy variable for intelligence or it's just somebody who's
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  really quick. You know, there's a variable and
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  IQ testing Colleges could administer neuropsychological
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  tests. Like the waist, the Whisk, all
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  the IQ test and ADHD testing, I don't do that cuz I hate doing
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  it, but I am trained in it. And so there is a variable
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  called processing speed, which is just when you're really
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  quick. You're like really quick to pick
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  things up and so this is most related to what I'm discussing.
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  So sometimes people's processing speed is impacted by various.
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  Things, you know could be ADHD or they didn't take the test
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  correctly or learning disability but usually the processing speed
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  is just kind of how quick somebody is to get things, you
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  know. And so when people really think
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  that they are super better at understanding what's going on in
• 2:27
  the world than a spouse and the other one agrees because it's
• 2:32
  just kind of understood. So like it's somebody we're like
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  They'll go into a store. They'll be buying a car, for
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  example, and the person with the higher processing speed, we're
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  calling. It will just kind of understand
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  more about what's going on in the car buying process.
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  Now there's like a million although reasons this can
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  happen, but if it happens in enough, you know, like the woman
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  doesn't give a shit about cars or whatever.
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  But, you know, if it happens across multiple domains, you
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  know, where one person is quicker to pick things up than
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  the other, Then there can be like a real Rift, a self-esteem
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  demotion in the person that's like, all the ways, not getting
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  it, you know? And this person may be smart
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  compared to their friends or compared to the people in
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  general. But somehow in this
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  relationship, they're always feeling one down because the
• 3:28
  other person like kind of gets it quicker.
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  And so, of course, you'll need to be taken like an IQ test or
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  anything before. You figure out who to be with.
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  But this is It's the sort of thing where most people the
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  majority of people. I talk to you think that they're
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  equally as intelligent does their spouse.
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  But there are some people that really don't and while you may
• 3:47
  say or think or hope that this is really just because the the
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  one who thought to be smarter it's just more of a dickhead
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  about you know being arrogant and saying that.
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  They are smarter sometimes it really Come chords with an
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  actual difference that's noticeable by the children.
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  And and others not that the person is an idiot, but that the
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  other one is just super smart and smarter.
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  So, you know, it's, it's non-pc to say that there are individual
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  differences and he, what is this show?
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  If not on PC. So, what I tend to see is that
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  the relationships go better when there's a sort ATIV mating,
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  which means that you marry somebody similar to yourself in
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  many ways. And while also on the first to
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  say and research, Air is out and my podcasts and articles are
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  about that. Both parties seem to be happier
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  when the woman is considered objectively better looking than
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  the man even within that. I don't usually see a lot of
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  differences, you know. Like yeah the woman's a little
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  hotter than the man it's usually what is seen.
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  This is not like people don't come into my office.
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  It's like a producer with a supermodel like this idea of
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  this old fat bald guy. With this young, beautiful
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  flowing, hair thing, you know, I mean, It just it doesn't really
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  happen in real life. People tend to marry those
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  similar to them, which is what I talked about in my podcast about
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  guys, who think that everybody is saying that their wife is out
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  of their league, it's usually not true.
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  Those sorts of Dynamics are usually built up in the man's
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  mind because he has low self-esteem pre-existing.
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  However, like, you got to think about, when you are when you're
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  dating, you got to think about what are you really looking for
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  and a A lot of people are not looking for an equal because of
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  various things within themselves in terms of their own
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  self-esteem. So let's say that you are a
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  woman and you were really don't feel good about your looks, but
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  you always were the smartest want, you know?
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  And that was your role in the family.
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  That was your role as a kid and I, you were valedictorian and
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  what have you? So you may think almost it.
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  That's all you have to give as like a partner.
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  So you may end up then. Saying, well, implicitly
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  subconsciously. You may think, well, if the guys
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  just as smart as me, well, then, what do I even bring to the
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  table? What I'm used to bringing to the
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  table, is this, you know, super smart, like quick thing, you
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  know where I can, you know, solve problems and, you know,
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  understand shit and whatever. And if I'm not better at that
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  than him than what is really my role.
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  And, of course, same thing happens with a man who thinks
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  that he's bringing to the table. His intelligence And because
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  he's not really very good looking or very sexy or we
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  didn't do well with women or what have you but at least he's
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  smart. So that's like great to think
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  that. Okay.
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  You do have this one definite thing that's good but then the
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  problem comes, if you specifically kind of repeatedly
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  as a pattern when you, you know, reflect have tried to be better
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  than the partner at this thing that you're good at because
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  like, if you are A person who only thinks that their value is
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  intellectual. Then you try to get somebody who
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  is of course, good-looking that you're attracted to and nice and
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  sweet and friendly and what have you if they're all so smart,
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  then you may think well, what do I even bring to the table?
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  Because they're better than me on every domain and then we
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  equal out on intellect. So subconsciously these people
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  may be going for somebody who is not as smart.
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  I'm here to say don't do this because Like if you notice this
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  and it is an anyway, frustrating to either you or the partner,
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  then, you know, the one who is not as quote, unquote smart as
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  you. This is only going to get worse
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  over time. This is going to get into where
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  they start, to feel extremely bad about themselves for, never
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  being the one with a better solution or never really being
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  the one who could come up with an answer quicker or honestly
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  being the one that they kids don't go to for Homework even
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  so. And you may think this, if
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  you're not in such a relationship, you may think this
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  is some sort of, you know, hyperbole.
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  But it isn't for many people for many people.
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  They start out like in this unequal intellectual Dynamic and
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  oh and and then it just gets worse over time and makes the
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  person who's the one who's quicker frustrated.
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  And also, the person is not as quick as frustrated and feels
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  bad about themselves. Now, Why would somebody on the
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  other end go for somebody that's so much quote smarter than them?
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  Well, guess what self-esteem issues come into play there.
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  Although less. So because whenever anything is
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  just considered good in the world, you know, it's like
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  saying what bowels fucked up? Women that go for Rich guys.
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  Like let's be real, you know, like it's easier to be with a
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  rich guy that a poor guy. So there's going to be a main
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  effect of just general desire to be with somebody who in more you
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  know was more money. Like why do women go for saying?
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  Why do women go for hot guys? Like why did guys go for hot
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  women? Like as long as something is
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  thought of to be good in our society, people are going to try
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  to go as high as they can in getting that variable for their
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  partner. So, yes, it does speak to low
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  self-esteem when there is already an established narrative
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  that your partner is smarter than you, that you feel is born
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  out if I actual evidence around you but you know, it could also
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  be that You think okay, great. You know, that's good that they
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  are smarter than me and all these ways and that'll be good.
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  You know, they will do homework with our kids when I've never
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  been very good at school or whatever the case may be, but
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  then you you underestimate how much overtime this disparity
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  will erode your confidence. Particularly as you get older
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  and you're out of the honeymoon stage and your other
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  compensatory variables frequent. One is looks do.
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  Don't feel so secure anymore. So, in middle age, I see more of
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  the person who was like really dislike Charming, great-looking
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  person that everybody adored well, and that's kind of almost
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  how they compensated for for being the less smart partner in
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  the group. In the couple rather they kind
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  of get very, very disappointed when later on, like, it doesn't
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  matter. You know, their parents, they're
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  not really socializing much. Everybody's getting older.
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  There looks aren't as astonishing as they used to be
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  because people age and so then they feel like they are just
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  kind of one down in the relationship.
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  So all of this is to say this is just one example of why you need
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  to have an established friendship and ideally the
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  partner should be your best friend and that really does not
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  preclude a romantic sexual relationship.
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  But even Decent, you know, it amplifies the intimacy, you
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  know, and it's going to make people trust one another and be
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  able to weather the storms of marriage and the various
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  fighting and ups and downs that there are is if you feel like
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  your best friends, it would be hard to be best friends with
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  somebody that you feel it's much more or much less intelligent
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  than yourself. So a lot of this problem would
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  be precluded if people were utilizing the same criteria for
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  partners as they do for friends. Whether explicit or implicit,
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  you know, I mean, it research even shows that people have
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  friends of the same height as a velvet.
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  Interesting, nobody really select all that variable on
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  purpose. But research shows that people
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  usually do have friends of the same height as themselves.
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  So sort stated mating and wanting to be similar to your
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  friends and to your partner, it's real and you want to get
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  somebody who has very similar. Kind of likes dislikes.
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  Love languages. Values as yourself.
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  And if you are in a position where you are starting to date
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  again, after being, in your first marriage, it didn't work
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  out as many of my listeners. Are, you always want to go for
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  somebody similar to you quite honestly?
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  And that's what I see workout. Most now, this doesn't mean that
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  people can be like different kinds of intelligent again.
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  Like so if somebody is like a lawyer and they're married to
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  like a scientist. And so the woman, the lawyers
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  really verbal and the scientists really good at math, Those kind
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  of relationships work out all the time.
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  They just kind of divide up how the homeworks going to get done.
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  You know, if it's the English stuff goes to heard of it, the
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  map goes to him. But in a situation and I do see
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  this, sometimes wear one of those people is the one that all
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  the kids go to for the homework and and it's not like the other
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  one couldn't do the homework, it's just that literally the
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  other one is better, you know? And so it's like if somebody's
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  better, it's something you're gonna give it to them.
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  So, The case of the intelligence is also similar in terms of like
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  other sorts of things. Like if you feel that your
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  partner is far more competent at doing things than you.
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  They are maybe they're not smarter and IQ test maybe you
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  think you are but they just get shit done in the world and you
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  feel it like you cannot get things done.
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  Like that. That sounds really good that
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  like you beginning Yang except then after a while, it starts to
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  be like the competent one starts to do.
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  Everything because the other ones, confidence, goes less, and
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  less and less. So if you are kind of a tight be
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  laid-back personality, at least if you are single right now, do
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  not go for an extremely type. A person as you might have done
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  and your first marriage and realized the the downside to
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  that, you know, go for somebody else laid-back.
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  Don't go for somebody who's like always achieving running
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  competing like has hyper competent person in all arenas.
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  No. No, this is like why I've
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  written articles like, why men criticized their stay-at-home
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  wives, it's frequently these super type A men who married
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  these laid back type B, women who they, you know, who really
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  are, very sweet, and loving and caretaking and can stop to smell
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  the roses and they love that during courtship.
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  And then when they see the woman with the kids and the house is
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  messy and this and that through like, whoa, if it was me I would
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  have this shit in like you know, perfect order.
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  And these kids would be in this and this and this activity.
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  Many times they're not wrong. They aren't wrong.
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  It's not just that they can empathize, they're not wrong.
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  They are that kind of person there that kind of person at
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  work. They were that kind of person
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  perhaps, in the military, they were always that kind of person.
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  So when you're trying to date, the school is much broader than
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  the intelligence issue or any issue, you see my point here,
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  try especially as an adult, that really knows yourself.
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  And if you are trying to get back out there and or and or if
• 15:01
  you were dating somebody again, after being divorced then, You
• 15:05
  probably don't need me to tell you that compatibility is King
• 15:08
  here. So compatibility means you're
• 15:10
  kind of the same on a lot of domains and this again does not
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  preclude sexual intimacy or any sort of spark as you get older
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  and older, you see more and more that opposites don't attract as
• 15:23
  much as, you know, rock songs. I'd like, you know, popular
• 15:26
  media and movies would have us think like Dharma and Greg would
• 15:30
  have probably divorced, let's be real.
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  So when then went Dharma Remarried, she would remarry a
• 15:36
  hippie and he would remarry an investment banker and that is
• 15:40
  the sort of second marriage pairings that I see in my
• 15:43
  practice. So hopefully you got something
• 15:46
  interesting out of this podcast and this is not one to share
• 15:50
  with your spouse, there's a lot of them but like he's really
• 15:54
  don't want to share one you wear it unless unless you feel that
• 15:57
  this as the partner who's not, as quote, smart that this
• 16:01
  exemplifies how you feel. But certainly don't share, Share
• 16:05
  it. If it's the other direction, if
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  you're the one who's consistently frustrated, that
• 16:08
  you feel like your partner just doesn't have up-to-date, you
• 16:11
  know, processing speed. This is nothing.
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  That's going to help you to share.
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  That's called being a dick. But it's something for you to
• 16:18
  understand in terms of what is your frustration level and if it
• 16:22
  is a marriage that is ending, what are you going to do in the
• 16:25
  future to compensate? So that this doesn't happen
• 16:27
  again where you feel so wildly different?
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  Because when people feel wildly different from one another
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  encore, Is whether cognitive or emotional, they tend to feel
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  lonely. And it's lonely to be the
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  smartest person in the room, and it's lonely to be the less smart
• 16:43
  person in the room. And again, this is not to say
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  that everybody doesn't bring stuff to the table, it's just
• 16:49
  one Dynamic that I see frequently enough for it to be
• 16:54
  of note to discuss. And and other similar ones are
• 16:58
  with personality trait and with values.
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  And with all of the things that I write in my Myriad articles on
• 17:04
  my side, about compatibility, Ability.
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  All right. So hope that this was useful to
• 17:08
  you and everybody have a great day.