Latest / Questionable Detour / Becoming a dictator, 18,000 dead cows, and hiring a babysitter off of Craigslist.

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Becoming a dictator, 18,000 dead cows, and hiring a babysitter off of Craigslist. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
I think Evan's just afraid of rain.
0:27
Where do you go if you're afraid of rain, Evan? Like it starts raining outside. What do you do?
0:32
I burrow into the crawlspace in my house.
0:37
Your wife finds you sexy still?
0:40
I wouldn't say that.
0:42
She realizes she's never gonna get protected.
0:45
She realizes that this is
0:47
this is all her life has come to is fear and pity.
0:51
Do you ever say like I'm just checking the pipes down here. I'll be up in a minute. Yeah, I'm like, uh,
0:55
just seeing what the termites are up to. Yeah. Just
0:59
Don't worry, hun. They're still here. Yeah
1:03
There is an infestation.
1:06
Looks like I'm gonna be down here a while trying to get rid of them. You just let me know when it stops raining.
1:12
I'll be right back up. Why don't I imagine Evan's down there like playing god with a bunch of termites?
1:17
Like he's like little dresses for him.
1:19
Like playing house with him.
1:21
Just like moving them around. I'm like, no, this is where you live.
1:26
You have a little doll house the termite come in catches the husband termite with another termite woman.
1:32
It's a whole thing in the termite world.
1:34
Yeah, that's uh on the the Mississippi public network, you know, or whatever the public network is. PBS. What's it called?
1:40
PBS. Yeah that one. I'm one of the weird shows that comes on at like 11 pm
1:45
And it's just me and some termites and it's like a termite soap opera
1:48
And they're just like
1:50
Everyone's like stealing from each other and like cheating on each other and it's a whole it's a whole drama going on down there that i'm
1:58
Broadcasting to the world. You show the infidelity the termite infidelity and then you show the termite divorce court
2:04
Little termite with a judge's robe on
2:08
The termite just like down on his lug hasn't left his house in three days since shaved in a week
2:13
He just like looks at the little rafters in his ceiling and just sees how?
2:19
Sturdy they would be if a rope was tied to it. Wow
2:23
Just to see just to see just question it now. I just imagine you going now to tie a tiny noose
2:30
And hang a termite
2:32
Yeah
2:33
No, yeah
2:35
All the while your wife is absurd like cooking and cleaning
2:38
Yeah, just like taking care of the house. My husband is just down there playing with termites. My dog is just eating dinner, you know
2:46
Does that not normally happen when you're in the house when evan's up up top?
2:50
Everything is chaos. But when he goes when he goes below the house to mess with the termites it runs a tight ship up here
2:57
That's because the only thing i'm thinking about while i'm down there is the termites. That's my world
3:02
Some people use vr to escape
3:04
Yeah, evan uses termites. Yeah tr if you are do you pretend you're a termite when you're down there?
3:10
I've known the nibble on some wood. I don't know if that would call me a termite or not
3:14
He calls terminex and like yeah, you definitely have termites down there, but there are some beams
3:19
Some support beams that have human bite marks in them
3:24
It's a big old termite
3:26
Big old got a beaver down there or something
3:30
All right, welcome to questionable detour
3:32
Let's do some hypothetical. Dave can I pose a somewhat abstract purely hypothetical question?
3:39
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question
3:45
All right
3:46
our first hypothetical for the week
3:49
If you were a dictator of a small country, what crazy dictator things would you do?
3:55
All right, alan
3:57
You're a dictator. All right of a country what you doing? So i'm a dictator of a country. Um
4:02
Um, my first thought is keeping my citizens in line
4:06
I don't want them to ever be too powerful to take me on
4:11
Because I think if they all banded together, they probably could yeah
4:14
That's a that's how great great leaders have been toppled that way
4:18
So i'm going to implement a simple solution
4:20
Uh kind of derived from the uh game the sack race
4:24
I don't know that game where you race in a sack, you know
4:27
Oh, you're basically your your body up to your waist is in a an old burlap sack or something
4:33
Yeah, i'm gonna make all my citizens walk around in burlap sacks
4:39
That way
4:40
They can never use both legs outside of that sack. They'll never be able to get fast enough
4:46
To take me down. I will always see them coming. They're also like I don't want to uprise because I will look
4:53
Very silly taking tiny little steps
4:55
Um, what are your citizens or your your country whatever you want to call it? What do they what is it called?
5:00
What's it? What do you call your citizens sackville sackville? That's the place that it's called so they would be sackies
5:10
If they come see you, you know when you're speaking do you call it a sacrilege? Yes
5:16
Now let me walk you through something here. Have you thought about technological sack? Uh, uh, uh an e-sac if you will
5:22
electronic sack, okay, not sure what it does, but
5:26
maybe the people can use it to track their steps or
5:30
Other things to track metrics. Maybe they can install a chute in the back that allows them to use the bathroom easier something like that
5:37
um, but then someone comes and
5:40
Is able to hijack someone else's sack get into the coding of the sack. Yeah, I guess you could say they were they were hacking it
5:47
Sure. So would that be a hacky sack?
5:49
Or what would that be?
5:52
I
5:55
Love the lead-up. I can safely say I had nowhere to no idea where that was going
6:00
Yeah, I do think they would they would call that they would call that a hacky sack
6:05
That's fun and one thing that's really cool about the sacks that I think I know you everybody listening probably thinks
6:12
Oh, well, he just made this sack rule because he hates his people. No, not completely
6:17
They
6:19
They can use this sack like a sort of like a sleeping bag
6:22
Like they're never able to leave it, but they've always got some sort of shelter a little bit warmth, you know
6:28
You don't give them clothes and houses?
6:30
No, no when they are born they've got about 10 seconds to get that kid in a sack
6:37
And then when they outgrow that sack don't take it off immediately
6:40
You have to put them into a bigger sack so that they can then remove the sack
6:44
So that they can then remove the sack the previous one throw it out their legs were never exposed
6:50
Your society is not unlike a bunch of hermit crabs. I was gonna say you're just you have crabs you own you don't crap
6:58
Now I don't own these I
7:02
Am a benevolent leader who likes a little bit of control I
7:08
Don't know anyone who doesn't yeah
7:11
You rule a bunch of people that are not unlike hermit crabs. It's essentially yeah
7:17
It's just a field a bunch of people just yeah rolling and scooting around now
7:23
We did have we did have a little situation on our hands some sort of light
7:28
Rebellion that we that we did squash
7:30
But uh some people in the sacks learned that it was easier for them to just roll and not hop sure
7:37
Yeah, and how have you prevented that speed bumps?
7:44
We started making a pretty high
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So
7:50
They've got a they don't have enough space in between bumps to get up enough momentum to to cross the speed bump
7:57
It must be absolute hell trying to move around your country. Yeah. Yeah
8:03
Now they just have to hop up speed bumps. Yeah. Yeah at all times their calves must be outstanding
8:11
They they don't know they never seen them. They've never they've never seen them and they don't know that they can they don't know that
8:18
There's life outside the sack
8:20
So I'm just hoping that that they never figure out that their legs and body work outside of the sack
8:27
I mean if they do I'm I'm probably you know, I'm probably done for their their leg muscles are gonna be enormous
8:38
Skinny maceated people from the waist up but down they look like yeah, their legs are
8:46
Like some sort of fawn or centaur situation
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Very pale the legs are very big
8:54
No in this situation all their lives they've been
9:00
But all their lives they've been entrapped in these sacks
9:03
Yeah, so whenever they rise up, it's almost like they would call it a coup
9:09
Up because they've been cooped up all their life
9:14
It is what we called the
9:16
The what we called it when they when they rolled and they tried to overtake me they they we called it the roller derby cooped up
9:27
Roller derby to all cooped up
9:33
Yeah, yeah it was it was a really touch-and-go there for a little bit
9:39
Your dictatorship sounds terrible and sounds like a normal dictatorship, but you do have fun names for things
9:45
Well, you know you would have some fun banners throughout your your kingdom for sure. So after that little
9:53
cooped up situation
9:54
Some of the some of the people were complaining and I just looked at him. I said a second up
10:00
Not gonna hear these complaints you're gonna miss out on your daily ration of second cheese
10:08
If they get fired for their jobs, are they sacked? Yeah
10:10
All right, anything else any anything else from your country that you want to know I mean I I think that's that's pretty much it
10:17
You gave us no laws. You gave us no direction for the country. Just the fact that people I mean, that's the
10:25
The fact that they have to stay in that sack that that's enough to keep crime down
10:30
That's enough to keep me in power. There's there's no other laws needed. That's very good. All right, Zach. What's yours?
10:36
Well, I didn't go as an over
10:38
Arching theme for my communist country as a dictator
10:41
I kind of went specific laws and regulations that I would do first of all there would be speed limits, right?
10:47
There'd be speed limits for roads, but it wouldn't be a speed limit for how fast you can go
10:51
It's a speed limit for how slow you can go and the minimal speed you can go in my country is 85 miles an hour
10:59
School zones are a nightmare
11:02
Gotta be how do those kids know that?
11:04
nightmare gotta be how do those kids get out of the cars
11:10
across the road very carefully a
11:14
Very Frogger esque type very
11:18
pedestrian in your yeah, not a walkable community
11:24
So you're driving down the road and it's a sharp left curve going off a cliff
11:29
Mm-hmm. You can't slow down you have to you better know how to drift otherwise
11:35
You will do some hazard your car off of off of the cliff Wow
11:39
Everyone's just coming around a tight corner and they're like looking around for police to see if they can slow down
11:44
Just sweating or white knuckling this
11:49
Man, I hope there's not a speed trap up here. So I don't have to die today
11:52
Yeah, all your speed traps are in the most dangerous spots
12:00
Right angle turns
12:03
Do you guys use stop signs or
12:06
Lights there's no stop lights and stop signs, but you can't slow down. So
12:11
Would you see that red light you are hitting the brakes as hard as possible?
12:16
But like you can't like slowly come up to the stop sign like you can't gradually come to a stop
12:21
No, it seems like you have to go from 80 at least 85 to stopped
12:24
So like a lot of a lot of times people will say like this car can go, you know
12:28
Zero to 80 and so over many seconds. You're more like well it can go 80 to
12:33
385 I guess to zero in three in three seconds. Yeah break pads as your country go through like it is a
12:41
GDP is mostly funded and supported by brake pads. Yes and funeral homes
12:46
Are you exporting funerals we have so many deaths that we have to give our dead to other countries
12:55
So many people die in car accidents
12:58
So I give somebody dies in battle from a country and they're not able to retrieve the body you guys just send over
13:04
a body
13:06
You can have this this is Keith
13:10
Figure it out he was not a warrior
13:13
He was not a war
13:15
veteran for sure
13:17
The second law I would impose is if you see a crime happen
13:22
You don't report it
13:23
But if you want to report it you have to commit the same crime in an effort to do it better to then report it
13:29
So you see somebody break into a store you want to report it?
13:33
You have to go then break into a store to do it better to get more money to steal more items
13:39
And if you do if you bested the last crook you get to report the last crime
13:43
Okay, so it's like I can do it better than you situation like a like the only reason you were able to report them is
13:48
Because you were better than them right right so it's like getting rid of your competition at the same time anything you can do
13:53
I can do better. That's what I was trying to say exactly what it is
13:56
And what it promotes is competition and what you want in crime. Yeah
14:00
You would if anything will make criminals more dangerous as if you make them compete yeah
14:06
That's good for your your society
14:08
What happens if you try to outdo them but you're not able to do it better than them does the person who did the second crime go to jail
14:13
No, you go to jail like yeah
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The only reason the only reason you stay out of jail is because you did the crime better and you were able to report the previous crime
14:22
Interesting so what if somebody sees someone go in and report the crime
14:26
Interesting so what if somebody sees someone go in 30 miles an hour down the road are they then legally allowed to go?
14:34
25 miles an hour down the road
14:37
Yes
14:39
Everyone's going like one mile per hour now
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Just nothing but people pointing
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Just stopped
14:51
People start going to reverse
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And then everybody's going 80 miles per hour reverse to see who can go the fastest in reverse
14:57
So basically my roads in my country are either going 85 miles an hour or completely stopped
15:05
Or going in full reverse
15:09
It is chaos
15:11
Complete chaos. Okay, so now you're saying people have to do crimes better than each other. Yes, who's judging whose crime was better?
15:18
That's a part of that's a part of our court and judicial system is you have a jury of 12 year old peers as we do in our society
15:28
But not only are they judging for your guilt. They're judging your
15:33
Attact and effort in the crime. So that plays a huge part. So defense attorneys the prosecution attorney
15:40
They are arguing whether or not you did a great job or a poor job at your crime
15:45
So in this situation you want your jury to be filled with previous offenders
15:50
You want you want your jury to be full of criminals? Well full of criminals, but ones that aren't that good
15:55
So they so they you know see your work and go he did pretty well. Well what it really sounds like is basically
16:01
They know that you did the crime. That's not what they're trying to figure out
16:03
They're just trying to figure out the style and the flavor of it. Yeah, right exactly
16:07
So it's basically like an X Factor or America's Got Talent panel judge style to see whose crime was better
16:13
Yeah, and then they get to like hit an X or like you get a golden ticket or whatever. Oh 25 to life
16:20
Yeah, yeah, if you did it better
16:22
or worse
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Either way, you're getting something one's 25 to life one is giving someone else 25 to life
16:30
and
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Finally because of the deaths so many deaths and in my dictatorship
16:36
You need a lot of babies to be born which we do leave a lot of babies anymore
16:40
But if a woman is pregnant needs to give birth she has to be at the top of a waterslide
16:44
So the baby is then birth on the waterslide and slides out into a pool. That'd be cool. I thought so
16:51
It's like the eternity wing at a hospital in your country
16:55
essentially a water park
16:57
Yeah, yeah, it is
16:59
Yeah, it is and the
17:01
The waterslides are at a very steep angle in both directions
17:05
So that baby flies out fast and goes very high at the end
17:10
I guess if they survive then they then they deserve to live in your country
17:13
Well, I mean you got to think though if they're gonna grow up to having to drive 85 miles per hour at least
17:19
You got to be kind of a daredevil coming out
17:21
So if you you know, you're gonna learn to live dangerously from from a young age
17:25
Yeah, if your mom pushes too hard sends you flying you hit a concrete wall. That's yes your mom's fault
17:30
You know, you got to try to land it back in the pool now back to the murder thing. Okay
17:35
So if one mom does slide her baby out into concrete kills the baby another mom witnesses it realizes that's murder
17:44
We call it a birth shins
17:46
What now?
17:48
An a birth shin
17:50
Now she witnesses an a birth shin
17:53
Does she then try to do an a birth shin but better?
17:58
So she can report it?
18:00
I never said an a birth shin is a crime
18:04
It's murdering a child
18:06
Seems like it's a dead kid involved
18:10
Yeah, she does we paint big targets up on a wall you see you hit the bullseye
18:15
You hit the bullseye with your newborn baby coming off that slide
18:19
You can report the previous a birth shin
18:22
Well at least you have a point system there
18:24
Easy way to tell
18:26
Now second question
18:28
And I almost hate to ask this but what about a c-section?
18:31
Oh god
18:32
What happens then?
18:34
You have to do it to yourself
18:40
You're giving a knife you have to sharpen the knife
18:44
It is basically a butter knife and you have to give it to yourself
18:48
Interesting
18:50
Is that why in their country they start doing it to themselves and they look at the doctor and they go see this is how it's done?
18:55
See this section?
18:57
See this section?
18:59
It's open?
19:01
No, okay
19:03
But what about getting the baby down the slide?
19:05
Is it like once it's out then in the c-section I'm talking about
19:09
Once it's out do they like manually put it down in the slide or does like the doctor stand her up and like or she's doing it herself
19:17
So she's like sitting over it
19:19
Tips are over like a wheelbarrow?
19:21
Yeah
19:23
That's a second option because that just sounds crazier
19:27
Since we're already on this topic
19:31
Have you ever had any issues where an umbilical cord was not cut?
19:41
It's like a bungee cord situation
19:45
Baby's bungee jumping
19:47
You ever had a baby bungee jump is that I think that's its question
19:49
Yeah
19:51
Yeah
19:53
Tell us about that
19:55
What do you want me to tell
19:57
Imagine bungee jumping
19:59
And now imagine a bungee jump with a bunch of gross blood and fluids just kind of bouncing around too
20:09
That's basically what this looks like
20:11
Hospitals are a circus
20:15
Now with the baby bungee'd back up
20:17
I don't know the elasticity content of an umbilical cord but I would assume there would be some bounce back
20:25
Now when the baby bungee'd back up did it make it back in
20:33
When they're keeping score on the thing below
20:35
Is that a hole in one
20:37
If you are able to get the baby back in you win
20:47
Everyone in the hospital goes to jail
20:55
Any more questions about my country
20:57
I think you really answered it
20:59
Do y'all want to live there
21:01
Be honest I don't think I would
21:03
I'm kind of tied here with my job
21:07
Alright for our next hypothetical
21:09
As the fashionistas that we are here at questionable detour
21:13
People can't see what we're wearing but let that be known that we are wearing the height of fashion
21:17
The most trendy items
21:19
If you could
21:21
If you could bring in a fashion
21:23
Clothing what have you
21:25
What fashion would you bring in
21:27
I would say one of the most
21:29
Statement making articles
21:31
Of clothing would be
21:33
The kilt
21:35
I like a kilt
21:37
So I think I would bring in the kilt
21:39
But I would also make a few modifications to it
21:41
In that it's going to be
21:43
A chainmail kilt
21:45
Because we want to be both
21:47
Fashion forward but also
21:49
Warrior people
21:51
And there's nothing more comfortable
21:53
Around your genitals than a bunch of
21:55
Chain metal
21:57
That's true
21:59
Chain metal
22:01
Sharp metal
22:03
It seems like there would be
22:05
A lot of good breezes happening
22:07
Because not only would you get the breeze coming up from the bottom
22:09
You would get it coming through
22:11
The very porous material that is chainmail
22:13
Yes yes
22:15
So we're hoping that everybody
22:17
Buys their Hanes and really just
22:19
Buys warm boxers
22:21
You know to go under the chainmail
22:23
It wouldn't be a requirement but
22:25
I think it would be pretty necessary
22:27
I think you could fashion like a
22:29
Portable heater for the winter
22:31
Or portable fan for the winter
22:33
You could just stick under there
22:35
And just regulate temperatures
22:37
I think a heater might
22:39
Give some problems
22:41
When that metal gets really hot
22:43
I was thinking the same thing
22:45
You could attach jumper cables to it
22:47
Heat up the metal
22:49
Make the metal very hot
22:51
People
22:53
Are like it's so cold
22:55
They're not complaining about how cold it is anymore
22:57
No they're on fire
22:59
Down there
23:01
Is that separate of the chainmail?
23:03
Different
23:05
Different issue all together
23:07
Well they're on fire when they see someone else
23:09
In chainmail for sure
23:11
It's a byproduct
23:13
Let's put it in this perspective
23:15
You're out at your local watering hole
23:17
You see a group of guys
23:19
Walk in, two of them are wearing
23:21
Jeans, ew gross
23:23
One of them is wearing
23:25
Just a pair of slacks
23:27
Not so unimaginative
23:29
But that other guy, wait what's he got on?
23:31
Glistening in the sun
23:33
Is he shining? From the waist down?
23:35
Well by god that's a chainmail kilt
23:37
From the waist down and the ankles up
23:39
Tell you what
23:41
Are those exposed ankles?
23:43
Well by god that's a chainmail kilt
23:45
And that's kind of the thing that I feel like
23:47
Everybody would say when they
23:49
See somebody walk in wearing one of those
23:51
I think it would also be kind of cool to have
23:53
Maybe belt attachments
23:55
For an assortment of weapons
23:57
Okay
23:59
Just a couple of daggers
24:01
Maybe a
24:03
Light morning star, you know?
24:05
Are you really concerned
24:07
With a war and like being attacked?
24:09
But just protecting
24:11
Your groin area
24:13
I think it would be cool to leave
24:15
The rest of the body just exposed
24:17
I think shirtless probably
24:19
I think it's more frightening
24:21
When someone's running at you with their shirt off
24:23
Now have you been attacked
24:25
Below the belt line or something?
24:27
Or like why the focus on the
24:29
That's a good point, what's the psychology behind it?
24:31
Yeah, I was kind of hoping
24:33
This wasn't going to come up
24:35
It was inevitable
24:37
Yeah as a child in the neighborhood that I grew up in
24:39
As a sort of becoming a man
24:41
Exercise for the kids in the neighborhood
24:43
They would all line up
24:45
On either side of you and you would run
24:47
Through them and they would take balloons
24:49
Filled with milk and they would just
24:51
Pelt you in the groin
24:53
Oh my god
24:55
And you know it wasn't
24:57
Fun
24:59
It was uh
25:01
You donned a morning star
25:05
Donned a chainmail of kilts
25:07
I don't want to be caught in that situation
25:09
Because of your childhood trauma
25:11
I think
25:13
This is what I tell everybody
25:15
You have childhood baggage
25:17
Bring that thing in, come on
25:19
Bring it up whenever
25:21
You can
25:23
Use that thing as a
25:25
Crutch
25:27
Don't become a better person
25:29
Don't unburden yourself with it
25:31
Burden yourself with it more
25:33
Nest in that trauma
25:35
So
25:37
Your parents hit you, hit other people
25:39
Hit your kids
25:41
Fast it on
25:43
Maybe they'll buy a
25:45
Chainmail kilt and it won't hurt as bad
25:47
I don't know
25:49
Maybe Alan will make money out of it
25:51
Put money in Alan's pocket
25:53
This could be a nice business here
25:55
I don't know, we'll see
25:57
I really like chainmail kilts
25:59
If I see someone wearing a chainmail kilt I immediately want to be their friend
26:01
Because they have stories
26:03
You meet a guy in some slacks
26:05
Some slacks that are just coming right above
26:07
The shoe, you know
26:09
He's not going to tell you anything interesting
26:11
He's not going to tell you anything
26:13
He's not going to tell you anything
26:15
He's going to tell you
26:17
He's going to tell you
26:19
That he's going to have a
26:21
Stock market sale
26:23
He's going to talk about his 401K
26:25
Boo
26:27
You meet a guy with a chainmail
26:29
He's going to tell you stories of battle
26:31
Stories of battle
26:33
Conquest
26:35
Deodorant is not good for you
26:37
Neck beard
26:39
ring by ring. I'd like to like to outsource. I think I like the idea but not necessarily the
26:46
work that goes into doing it. What part of the world makes chainmail? I think right now
26:51
the sort of the hot spot is like the metro Bangladesh area. Metro Bangladesh. Full transparency
26:58
here boys. I also had chainmail as my answer to this question. Wow. Yeah. So I'm gonna have to call
27:03
an audible here and come up with something very fashionable right this second and here's my idea.
27:10
Nipple sunglasses. Nipple sunglasses? Nipple sunglasses. Like things you wear on your eyes
27:16
but for your nipples. For your nipples. Absolutely. Here's my thought process. Uh-huh let's hear it.
27:21
Some burns are painful. Some burns are painful. We all can agree. Yeah. UV exposure in a high
27:28
dosage painful. I think it hurts one of us more than it does the other two. Yeah. One of us. I do
27:33
have the I do have the complexion of a iPhone flashlight and I'm not sorry for it and is the
27:41
reason that this fashion design and fashion idea hits close to home for me. Tell me list off the
27:47
most sensitive areas of the body. Genitals. Okay yes. Back of the knee. Maybe. Inner right ear lobe.
27:53
This is going not how I planned it to go. The nipples. The nipple is a very sensitive. Oh no the nipple. Yeah that was my next one. Okay sure sure.
28:03
The nipple. Very sensitive part of the body. Since it's so sensitive and the sun is prevalent every day
28:09
I need covering for my nipples. I'm not gonna wear a shirt. Yeah. I'm gonna make a very wide
28:17
wide pair of sunglasses. Is there a uh a dip in the middle where like the nose would usually be
28:23
or is it like a cyclops situation? It can be. There's different styles you can get for my nipple
28:29
sunglasses. Yeah uh but no there is just you can get like the Beatles very round shaded sunglasses
28:36
yeah over each nipple little metal bar going across like you know a pair of sunglasses. Yeah. And this
28:42
will prevent you from getting any kind of nipple sunburn which I think is probably an epidemic in
28:48
today's society. Yeah yeah I agree. I agree. I hear nipple cancer nipple melanoma on the rise. So nip that in the bud.
28:57
Yep. So if I'm if I'm looking for different different designs what are what are some different
29:07
sunglasses designs you guys offer? Every sunglass that you have you wear of your eyes obviously but
29:13
they're just a lot larger. So I mean you have the round Beatles Paul McCartney glasses. Sure you have
29:20
the cyclops glasses. It's a very cool very stylish design. Covers your whole sternum too. Yeah you have
29:27
the ray band aviator glasses so your chest looks like it's about to pull you over for going 10 over
29:34
the speed limit. If I wanted to get a uh Jordy LaForge from Star Trek the Next Generation visor
29:40
over my over my nipples is that is that possible? Yeah absolutely put in special order we will make
29:46
that for you promptly. So what if only one of them is sensitive? Can I go full uh Mr Peanut and uh get
29:53
a monocle? You can't get a monocle. If you want complete coverage go ahead and get an eye patch or
29:58
nipple patch. Yeah I was gonna say what if I damage one of my nipples? Yeah. And I'm no longer looking
30:02
for it to get access to any sun at all. Yeah go to go in for the the nipple patch which is the equivalent
30:08
of an eye patch. Very fun Halloween idea you can go as a a pirate with one eye and one nipple.
30:18
Now can I get it like the I don't know like the cheap sunglasses that are you know plastic and
30:23
they have they're like shaped like hearts and whatnot and maybe they're yellow or orange or
30:29
whatever that girls are will buy for five dollars and way to the beach. Sure yeah. Um can you all
30:34
make me one of those? No we only deal with high class material each pair of nipple glasses will
30:40
cost you about 500 to a thousand dollars. Geez I don't know if my nipples are worth that honestly.
30:47
Well I think you need to raise your standards um I hear nipple melanoma is very painful. I hope I
30:53
get nipple melanoma now because that price is ridiculous and I'll write to you and say I could
30:59
have lived if you would lower your prices. Yeah but no you killed me. You could have lived if you
31:05
didn't walk outside with a pair of magnifying glasses over your nipples. Listen when I created
31:10
blinds I went full force. And now your nipples are the tennis thing on your body. Look at
31:20
little burnt pepperonis off a pizza. Yeah they cooked my nips. Hindsight wasn't a great idea
31:28
but did I look cool? I looked close up. I looked a lot closer than I actually was I'll tell you that
31:36
my nipples were much larger than real life. All right anything else for me do I need to answer
31:43
any of your burning questions about about my nipple glasses? All right Evan right now we have
31:49
a chainmail kilt chainmail skirt and then some nipple glasses. What are you? So what do you bring
31:56
into the table? You boys ever feel like you're you sit too low like you're not tall enough when
32:00
you sit down? I do often yeah. You feel like your butt's a little too squishy? Uh yes. Maybe you
32:05
didn't do enough butt workouts? Maybe? Almost definitely. Well I created a little offshoot of
32:12
the butt pad but I made it out of full wood. Oh my god. Four inch thick wood slabs on your tuchus.
32:18
So when you're walking around one your butt looks firm and square and square hey who doesn't like a
32:23
square butt and two when you sit down your four inches taller who doesn't want that every woman
32:29
looks at you and they're like man I wish he was six foot I need a man that's six foot well sitting
32:34
down you are. There you go. How do these attach to clothing? So in all clothing now they create
32:42
these little slots that you slide your little. You mean back pockets? Yeah the little slots in the
32:48
back of your clothes. Back your pants. So you just slide your four inch beams into your back pockets
32:56
as you call them and when you sit down you're a new man. So you're just selling wood? There's no
33:00
difference between you and Home Depot. You're just selling wood to people? Well we custom carve your
33:07
butt curves into the back side or the front side of the wood. That's the skill I was looking for.
33:12
Yeah and I know you're gonna ask this anyway so I'll go ahead and tell you the way we get the
33:17
shape of your butt. You don't have to come in for an appointment. Oh that's good. We don't come in.
33:21
We don't measure it. You don't have to send us any proof of what your butt looks like or that you
33:26
have one. We assume you do and we have former private investigators come track you down where
33:34
you live and they stake out your house and they watch you as you go walk your dog or you walk to
33:40
your car to go to your job and they get their binoculars on and they eyeball your butt. They
33:45
stare at your butt the entire time you're walking and they try to figure out what measurements would
33:50
work best for his little wooden butt. This seems like a situation where Evan got caught stalking
33:57
and he had to give some rationale to the police on why he's staring at people's butts with
34:04
binoculars. Is it true? Is that true? Can I confirm or deny? It may have started with a little
34:14
light stalking but now it turned into a full-fledged business. I have multiple people working for me
34:19
staking out your house not stalking as the police would call it. Okay. And they're just looking to
34:26
get those juicy boot measurements. So does somebody have to order the butt wood
34:32
before the stalking happens or do you just pre-stalk these people in hopes that they will
34:38
inevitably and eventually buy butt wood? We know we know who needs it so you may not order it but
34:43
it'll show up on your doorstep. You walk outside one day and you have a package on your doorstep
34:47
and it's just two little pieces of wood shaped perfectly to your butt. You're like how did that
34:51
happen? We've really gotten to your business structure rather than the actual product itself.
34:57
But butt wood you know? It's everything butt wood.
35:03
Well you know I'm sure that that company will come up in some ad later.
35:07
Okay so our last little tiddly-biddly hypothetical we got going on here is boys if you were taking
35:14
over the marketing for a company what would you do to increase sales at this company to really
35:19
show them that you're a great worker? So as the marketing genius that I am I would take over
35:26
marketing for probably a company that sells hamburgers like McDonald's. Six billion sold
35:33
they advertise often. I'd say that's not enough. Let's get to 12 billion. Let's get to 100 billion
35:37
hamburgers and here's how I do it. I would meet people in the some of the saddest points in their
35:43
life. They get into a car accident. Airbag deploys except I've replaced the airbag with hamburgers
35:48
and fries. In the glove box hamburgers and fries. They t-bone a car in an intersection. Hamburgers
35:54
and fries go everywhere. The last thing that these people see before they pass out from blood loss
36:01
is hamburgers and fries. What do you think the first thing they are going to want when they wake
36:05
up? I'm sure they're craving a hamburger and a fry. That's right. Now are you not worried that
36:10
that's the last thing they see before a car accident? Like maybe they might suffer PTSD
36:15
from the accident and they may be completely not a fan of burgers and fries? Here's the thing Alan.
36:21
I'm not. I'm not worried about that at all and here's the reason why I'm not because that would
36:27
ruin my plan. Another option. Flying a plane. You're on a plane going to vacation, family vacation,
36:32
going to Disney World let's say. You're having a good time with your family. All of a sudden alarms
36:37
start going off. The pilot says buckle in. We're going down. People start panicking. Instead of
36:43
those little oxygen masks falling from the ceiling hamburgers fall from the ceiling. Up and down the
36:49
aisle there is a very composed stewardess going would you like a hamburger while people are freaking
36:56
out hugging and crying. She's walking up and down offering people hamburgers. Gravity is lifting her
37:03
off the floor. Yeah they're just hamburgers bouncing slowly around the plane as the plane
37:11
drops from 30,000 feet to 500 feet in about two minutes. And is the plane actually going down?
37:18
No. We have hired some pilot to do this for us. What do you think the first thing they're going
37:23
to want to do when they get off that plane? I'm grabbing a hamburger. You're grabbing a hamburger.
37:28
Yes you're grabbing a hamburger. You're hungry. You've burnt so many calories. Calorize?
37:35
You've burnt so many calories screaming and panicking. You're famished. Guess what? Right
37:41
outside the airport where they finally land safely there's a McDonald's ready to sell them a hamburger
37:48
at double the cost. You're really employing them to meet them at their lowest. Their lowest point.
37:54
I think I got this idea from drug addicts and drug dealers. You get somebody at their lowest point
38:02
though they're willing to buy anything to try to escape and what better escape than tons of calories
38:07
and tons of fat in a hamburger. All right Evan what are you doing to increase sales? My first
38:12
order of business once I take over is CMO. I would employ a mandatory dodgeball game. Anytime anyone
38:19
wants to buy my product. Nice. It doesn't matter what the product is. And this would work best
38:25
probably with like hygiene products or things that people need like gas or toothbrush or deodorant.
38:33
Anything that people have to have I would make them play a game of dodgeball. They have to win
38:38
the game of dodgeball in order to buy it. Who are they playing against? I have hired a team of
38:43
professional dodgeball players to absolutely destroy anyone who decides to buy anything.
38:49
So Gam Gam goes in to get her heart medication. She has the heart stopped. Yeah. Wow. She took
38:55
a dodgeball straight to the sternum. Yeah. She has to grab a dodgeball and stand on the other side of
39:03
a line. She has to try. She has to try. If anyone tries to buy it without successfully completing
39:11
a dodgeball game they will be sued immediately by my team of lawyers that I've hired in order
39:17
strictly to sue in court people that try to circumvent the dodgeball game. Now in every one
39:22
of your stores is there like a little is there a court that you play dodgeball or is it almost
39:27
like a paintball where all of a sudden people are coming out of behind shelving and throwing
39:32
balls at you? It's in the aisles. It's a free for all. They hide within the stalls. They hear
39:38
someone take it off the rack. They immediately jump out and they're firing dodgeballs upwards
39:44
of 30 miles per hour at women's faces and children. The little old lady goes into a store and it's like
39:50
oh this is this looks like a great tour for my grandson's birthday. I'm sorry have you ever heard
39:56
an old woman talk before? No they don't usually talk to me and all of a sudden she says that picks
40:06
up the the handgun and toy handgun. It's a K-bar knife. She picks up the toy and this big muscly
40:19
guy comes from out behind a shelf flings the ball at her. You hear the ping that you get from one
40:25
of those dodge balls off her head? Yep. She just laying there. Yep she has to fight back if she wants to buy that.
40:37
Now my question is how does this increase sales? This seems like a preventative measure. Maybe for
40:43
the old and the weak but for the strong and the competitive they see it as a game. They go in there
40:49
and they want to buy as much stuff as they can because they just want to play dodgeball. A lot
40:53
of kids, middle-aged men, the products are just flying off the shelves because these guys are just
41:00
trying to get into a dodgeball match and show just you know their strength in battle. And those
41:05
products that these guys kind of buy are they like Monster Energy products, tap out tees?
41:12
Ideas for calf tattoos. We can't keep fighting necklaces on our shelves.
41:18
I'm telling you. They're gobbled up like hotcakes. Oh man. That's very cool. How about you Alan?
41:28
I took a different route mainly because I didn't understand the question
41:33
and lacked the creative skill to come up with a real answer. So I thought the question was about
41:40
how do you motivate your employees? So what I would say is I would motivate them with the promise of
41:46
land and obviously they would never receive the land the way that they think they would get it.
41:52
But they would instead receive mounds of loose dirt. I would be providing them with the land,
41:59
however really they have to have the space to spread it out. So I would just be providing a
42:03
lot of loose dirt. Doesn't matter where they live in a home or an apartment. That loose dirt is being
42:09
being delivered whatever way it can to their home. Well here's the thing. Here's the marketing genius
42:14
I am. What if you do this Alan? I mean you could do that for your employees which would definitely
42:18
increase productivity. What if you sell a product but they get a little coupon for land? So all of
42:24
a sudden people buy say whatever product they buy and they go oh if I buy this product I get land.
42:30
But unbeknownst to them the three acres of land they think they're getting is just three acres
42:34
worth of dirt. Do you think maybe that would translate well over to marketing? I think it could.
42:39
The company that I actually work for is a company that digs ponds. Oh that makes sense. So I ask if
42:45
you were on like a mining company or something? No not mining strictly strictly neighborhood ponds.
42:52
That's all we do. Do people ask for these ponds or do you just show do you just show up and just
42:58
kind of dig a pond? Most of the time they ask. We send scouts out to different locations that
43:04
do not yet have a neighborhood and we say could this place could you see this place with a body
43:10
of water? And if my scouts tell me yes that's great we'll go dig a pond. Are your scouts blind
43:16
because every place they go they should be able to see it with a body of water. And are you getting
43:22
paid for this? You're just digging them. We are a non-profit you know we we're not doing things for
43:30
the money you know. The joy of digging. We're doing it for the joy of digging. Because the children
43:37
yearn for the mines. Yes. You employ a lot of child labor? We try to. Yeah it's very cheap. We
43:47
call it sort of a big brother program where we where we get the kids in there and we're like
43:52
all right well you're gonna work alongside someone as like an apprentice that that other
43:56
that other mentor is not there. You love a miner? Gosh.
44:07
You say can I get any miners here? And the mentor doesn't show up because legally they can't?
44:15
Is that right? I... You need to start answering your questions.
44:20
When I say I want a miner I mean I want somebody that looks like Yosemite Sam.
44:32
I want an 86 year old man with dysentery and a pickaxe. That's a good job covering your butt
44:40
there. That's what I want. You walk into that recruiting agency how many miners you got available?
44:51
That's why they like take you in the back room and they talk low to you.
44:56
They're like how'd you find out that we hired miners?
45:01
And I ask things like well I don't see any covered wagons out here.
45:03
I thought you guys had miners here. Oh man so basically your marketing scheme is you dig up
45:11
people's yards with old men old sick men. Yes. And you give the dirt you give the dirt to people
45:19
that just buy a water bottle at a gas station. The best yeah yeah I'll just we have to put that dirt
45:25
somewhere and I don't have the places to put the dirt so we just give the dirt to people. That's
45:34
actually what you write on like all your products is we have to put the dirt somewhere. That's our
45:39
slogan. It's a cartoon miners like winking on the miner with the pickaxe. The trade is a miner.
45:55
This is really a tough one. It is a miner miner. Really a mine field if you will.
46:02
Oh man I think that I think that's great. I think that would sell a lot.
46:05
Do you tell people what they can do with the dirt they get that you trick them into having?
46:15
I like to suggest things like maybe an ant farm.
46:22
I like to suggest that they move it. When I give it to them I give it to them as if it's a gift.
46:26
Like this is a valuable commodity. Like you own this many acres of dirt worth of dirt.
46:32
I feel sorry for the people that are like man this company that I just found is giving me a
46:40
hundred acres. Boy what are they wrong? They live in an apartment. They just had about 43 dump trucks
46:48
show up worth a hundred acres worth of dirt. They just have to do something with it. It makes it
46:54
difficult when they live in an apartment and they're sort of above ground level because we
46:57
have to employ a series of helicopters. We call in a bunch of black hawks and they have to you know
47:07
make contact with the dump trucks below bring the dirt up throw it into their patio door.
47:13
The military is helping you with this? You must make good money with this.
47:18
We commandeered the black hawks. You and Evan's marketing ideas,
47:25
ideas in general just sound like a bunch of ideas to cover up crimes y'all have committed.
47:28
That's just me. It says the guy who tried to drop people out of the sky.
47:34
Yeah ours is the crime. There's no crime for getting people's heart rates up Evan.
47:38
Okay there is. We didn't kill them. They're not dead. I think my only crime is not understanding
47:45
the exercise. All right guys so we're getting a little notification here in the studio.
47:53
A call coming in from our sister station QDNPR. So we're gonna go over to them and see what see
47:59
what they've got going on.
48:12
All right and welcome to QDNPR. My name is Alan. I'm joined here with Evanescence and Zacchaeus.
48:21
Thank you. Thank you Alan. We are proud to be here and we have a very unfortunate and sad
48:29
topic we need to discuss today. Yes yes it's very unfortunate. Yes it seems that at a
48:35
local dairy farm in Texas over 18,000 cattle died in a massive explosion. Yeah this came across our
48:43
desk today in Lubbock Texas. Our prayers go out to Lubbock Texas. The good people of Lubbock. The
48:49
good people of Lubbock Texas. We are so sorry for your loss. Bovine lovers everywhere morning to stay.
48:58
Now Evan is a local cow expert. Evan how do cows handle explosions? That's a great question Zac.
49:10
Well let me just say they feel very hot and separated. They feel that yesterday they weren't
49:15
in a million pieces but today that they are. They may not make it to tomorrow because they didn't
49:20
even make it through today. Wow. That's the height of bovine awareness. We need them to make it to
49:25
the next day. All 18,000 of them but they didn't. It's a sad day in the milk community. Speaking of
49:32
that we have Alan here with us to speak on a love of milk addiction. Um Alan if you don't mind
49:37
touching on how this will affect your addiction. Yes thank you Evan for passing it over to me.
49:41
As someone who suffers from a drastic dairy addiction yet also is lactose intolerant this
49:47
provides a unique position for me and my dairy addicts. On one hand we see a bright future in
49:56
that there is less dairy for us to addictively consume at an alarming rate. However as someone
50:03
who is addicted to dairy I am a bit frightened. Um I'm tweaking. Jonesing. I need that next fix.
50:10
If you know where that fix is please let me know. I'm in Lubbock Texas and I'm dying. Back to you
50:17
Evan. Thank you Alan. That is some great insight on what it's like to have a dairy addiction
50:26
and a dairy shortage. Now Zach I want to I want to kick it back to you to speak on the events that
50:30
led up to this and how we can prevent this in the future. From reports it seems that we have an
50:35
epidemic of cow terrorists that have infiltrated this country. This is a an alarming situation
50:42
that is coming out that that is the most dangerous thing we have seen since 9 11. Cows everywhere are
50:48
in danger. These cow terrorists they don't have empathy. They don't have care. If you have a cow
50:54
if your loved one has a cow I implore you to secure that cow in a safe area because these cow
51:00
terrorists will strap c4 dynamite to your cow. Light it and run. The explosion is beautiful but
51:07
the death is terrible. So please if you see something say something and let's unite together
51:13
to protect the cows and protect our country. I don't know where these cow terrorists get off.
51:18
I don't know. In Lubbock Texas. I don't know what drives them. Probably a toyotuck. To be such just
51:33
horrible menaces to society and the milk industry as a whole. But America is suffering now but we
51:39
are strong and we will recover. Gentlemen do you have anything else to speak on on this subject
51:44
before we move on? Yes I would like to say we just recently got some shocking information
51:49
over the fax machine. I don't know if you heard it beeping and whirring in the background.
51:55
It seems like the Department of Defense has assigned a name to this cow terrorist group.
52:00
They are called Kalkaida. So uh again thoughts and prayers to the citizens of Lubbock Texas.
52:16
Don't be a coward in this time please call join together we cannot be defeated by Kalkaida.
52:21
All the bovine will be bovine. If we just band together and we milk this for all it's worth.
52:28
Do not hide in utter terror.
52:38
If I only had a calf the strength that you did. We're not trying to steer anyone in the wrong
52:42
direction. The only beef we have this week is with the cow terrorists. Kalkaida. Kalkaida.
52:50
That is all today from QDNPR. Please be on the lookout and please join us next time on QDNPR.
53:14
All right boys so for Craigslist today we are looking for babysitters. We're all very busy
53:20
and none of us have kids but for some reason we need a babysitter. So I messaged somebody
53:25
on Craigslist who is advertising child care and the post simply reads this babysitter ready to
53:32
babysit. Let me know I am experienced and reliable and she gives her phone number which is a bad idea
53:38
and then she signs it as Arnees. So I message her saying hello I need a babysitter for my kids.
53:45
She goes on to say hello yes my name is Arnees and I'm very experienced in child care. Please
53:51
tell me your needs and about your kids when and when I can start. I reply well hello Arnees. I
53:57
are need a babysitter. My kids are driving me crazy and preventing me from worshiping the moon
54:04
beings as instructed by my religion. I need someone to be there as I make my sacrifices and pray to
54:11
Dion Raxaacus. Who is that? That is apparently some sort of moon god or I fell on my keyboard
54:21
and just rolled my head around Dion Raxaacus. She goes on to say well thank you for contacting me.
54:28
I can help you take care of your kids as you worship. Please tell me more of what you need
54:32
for your kids and your house. I go on to say this message guys I'm gonna need y'all follow along
54:38
here and really put yourself in the shoes of Arnees and see if y'all understand my schedule.
54:44
I reply to her well Arnees here are the times I need you to during the week on Monday. I need
54:50
you here 1 to 3 a.m unless it's the first Monday of the month then I will need you to come in at 2
54:56
a.m but if the following Tuesday is an odd number then please show up at 1 30 a.m. If the following
55:02
Tuesday after the first Monday of the month is an even number date then please show up an hour earlier
55:06
than when you feel like you should. On Tuesdays I need you to show up at 1 a.m but if there's rain
55:15
I will need you to show up one hour earlier or 30 minutes later. If the Tuesday is an odd number and
55:22
follows the first Monday of the month then please show up at 3 a.m but only if the previous Monday
55:28
of the last week was an odd number. If this is not the case please don't show up until 2 a.m.
55:33
If the Tuesday falls outside of the month that does not start with the letter M then please arrive
55:38
sharply at 12 a.m unless it's the first Tuesday of the month then please show up at 12 30 a.m.
55:45
Wednesday arrive no later than 1 a.m but if it's a full moon and the Wednesday falls on a winter
55:50
month then please don't show up until 1 15. If the Wednesday falls on an even even numbered date
55:56
refer to Tuesday schedule for instructions on Thursday arrive at 10 30 p.m unless it's a leap
56:02
year then please show up at 10 p.m as you will need to be ready for the festival. However if the
56:08
Thursday falls on a summer month that starts with the letter A and the previous Monday was the first
56:13
Monday of the month and an even number date then please refer to Wednesday's instructions about
56:18
Tuesday's instructions on Friday please show up at 4 a.m unless the following Sunday is predating
56:24
the first Monday of the month then please show up at 3 45. If the Friday happens to be during December
56:30
of a year whose numbers add up to seven then please refrain from coming at all got it um no
56:40
if we got it if we have any listeners that have access to a calendar please figure this out give
56:49
us the schedule for the Dion worship and and let us know if that actually tracks at all
56:56
I I thought it was very clear and concise I don't know what y'all are talking about honestly I fell
57:02
asleep just like halfway through each day she responds to that I am sorry that is a bit
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confusing but I may be able to get it down with time if it is okay to ask how many kids will I be
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watching and are there any special conditions that I need to know so she asked about my kids
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that she will be taking care of and I gave a list of five kids that I have first one Nimrod
57:28
Coker Fur Nimrod is not potty trained in the traditional sense and will only release a payload
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off in the tank of the toilet rather than the bowl he's a double decker boy
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if you catch him doing this please do not look him in the eyes
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him in the eyes after after he is done
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he was thinking Alan's dying
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release a payload
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oh god
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all right we're back oh after he's done please clean out the tank Nimrod will only eat his meals
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in his room so you will have to slip any food you have under his door liquid food works the best as
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he can lap it up off the ground as it leaks under the door if you do feed him solid food you will
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have to squish it under the door so he can get it the second child Beatrice Fur Beatrice believes
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she exists in a simulation and will try to prove this fact to you she's very convincing and if you
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are not careful she will have you believing that you are also in a simulation she will try to she
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will try to jump off tall objects in an effort to break out of her simulation and reach enlightenment
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if you see her do this please toss a pillow on the ground where she will land if you miss her
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landing spot with a pillow and she lands on the ground then please use anything you find around
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the house for a splint to pass her up her broken limbs do not call an ambulance as we believe they
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are agents of evil that are here to steal our souls next child frankfort fur this is the adams
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family you are the adams family frankfort is fat he is a human pile of lard that has the body
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shape of a melting bowling ball please tie his food to a ceiling fan and turn it on to its highest
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setting so his food is spinning around and he gets some exercise if he falls you will have to
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get him up as he's completely incapable of getting back to his feet independently if the other kids
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make fun of him for his gross size and high body fat percentage let them we encourage bullying in
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our house and frankfort is on the verge of weight loss or suicide it is difficult to tell child four
1:00:00
lou seafur hello you middle name c last name fer yes lou seafur we are not sure if he lives with us
1:00:13
anymore we never see him he hides in the shadow and creeps around at night the only reason we
1:00:19
know he's alive is because the food we leave out for him gets eaten if you feel warm air blowing
1:00:24
on the back of your neck it's probably him to stop him from doing this turn around quickly and start
1:00:30
throwing punches if you make contact with his face he will respect you and feed from your hand
1:00:36
and the final child alf i'm not totally sure if alf is my child or if he was here when i started
1:00:51
squatting in this house he has always kind of been here alf is blind and aggressive he will assault
1:00:58
you please be trained in mixed martial arts to combat his advances if you want to scare him away
1:01:04
chant uga buga do good day please stay away from me or you're gay alf is extremely homophobic and
1:01:11
will cease all advances in an effort to not seem gay she responds i'm sorry i'm having a hard time
1:01:18
believing this is real i reply to her disbelief excuse me how dare you i'm a single mom that is
1:01:26
on the verge of a mental breakdown all i am asking for is you to watch my kids so i can worship my
1:01:31
moon god deon rakashash so he may bring peace to the world and stop the impending doom that is to
1:01:39
fall on the world i am deeply offended that you would even think that this is a joke and treat me
1:01:43
as if i'm emailing you for some stupid podcast i am in need of your help and i came to you in need
1:01:52
and humility she responds i am so sorry i didn't mean to offend you please hire me and i will help
1:01:59
your children if there's anything else i need to know please let me know i respond it's okay i will
1:02:06
calm my nerves and not let my wrath become untethered to serve as the dark one's tool
1:02:11
and then i listed off a couple things she needs to know about the fur house the other things you
1:02:16
should know is do not use the front door please go through the window the meat set out on the porch
1:02:21
is not for you leave it be take off one of your shoes and leave the other on this is a
1:02:28
religious practice that we expect you to keep if you have any change in your pocket please take it
1:02:34
out as the jingle jangle will set off the children and we will have to use ropes and large nets to
1:02:39
corral them back tuesday nights tend to be two tip toe tapping tuesdays where we break out a six foot
1:02:46
by six foot piece of wood and tap dance as a family we expect you to be proficient they will not go to
1:02:53
bed willingly convince them that if they do not sleep now death will be their next chance to if
1:02:59
you need to use weapons and a gang of risky tattooed men to get the point across if you hear a bell be
1:03:06
prepared to go 12 rounds with at least one paraplegic person you will win but at what cost
1:03:13
be prepared to tell us how you will murder someone who is hypothetically five foot nine
1:03:18
180 pounds 47 years old and divorce me do not be concerned if i'm taking notes it is all hypothetical
1:03:26
and then i just put 79 the number 79 i let her decipher what that meant and then i how to remove
1:03:36
skid marks from underwear can you remove skid marks from underwear dark skid marks in underwear how to
1:03:41
remove why can't i see my what i type in my google search bar and then finally oh and please have fun
1:03:52
she responds okay when do you need me to start i respond start what she responds start babysitting
1:04:00
this is what we have been discussing i respond oh right can you start in about 10 minutes
1:04:04
she responds i am sorry you will need to find somebody else please have a good day wow nobody
1:04:12
wants to work anymore people are so lazy god that's good i don't know why she didn't want to keep my
1:04:21
kids the fur family is a proud to respected proud respected family red flags what were one red flag
1:04:29
i'll give you one red flag i mean what's the first kid's name uh that was nimrod that was nimrod
1:04:36
cocker fur nimrod double decker and you love the fact that he pooped in the tank rather than the
1:04:43
bowl that was that was too much for you there was i don't know what i was expecting from a kid named
1:04:48
nimrod but i guarantee you it was not that but i mean if y'all know anybody that wants to babysit
1:04:55
or if anybody listening wants to babysit the fur family please write in we will yeah let us know
1:05:02
you can follow us on twitter what's our what's our twitter handle uh question detour yeah let us know
1:05:07
tweet at us uh are you available to watch the fur family um shoot us an email yeah shoot us an email
1:05:14
what is it questionable detour podcast at gmail.com that's it yeah so interact with us if you have
1:05:20
hypotheticals you want us to answer have any advice we you want to give we are very wise
1:05:24
uh email us two wise two wise yeah we're two wise email us or hit us up on twitter but uh
1:05:30
uh y'all want to be done for today let's be done kick it like a old dog you expect the detour