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Mojo Monday: Anxiety, Acceptance, and Letting Your Values Lead with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: He everyone, it's CALLI here for this week's Mojo Monday.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So the last couple of days, my body has been
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: in pretty much a heightened state of anxiety, so I
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: thought I would talk about what it has felt like
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: for me and what I did about it. So before
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: I do that, I just want to talk about anxiety
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: in general, because it's important that we are wise to
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: our experience of anxiety. So wisdom is part of the
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: four Stoic virtues, and it really is the umbrella to
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: the others, because if we are not wise to what
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: is going on in our mind and our body, we
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: can end up so reactive and out of control. So
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: let's develop our wisdom so we can better respond to
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: our anxiety. So anxiety go up at any time. And
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I'm talking less about anxiety disorders and more about the
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: everyday experience of anxiety, which certainly doesn't mean that it's
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: not hard. So you can be under very difficult circumstances
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and feeling incredible distress without it being a disorder. And
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: I think the lines can really be blurred here because
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: so much of this is about context and our capacity
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: to tolerate the stress that comes in. And one thing
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: that has helped me is putting a bit of separation
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: between the thoughts and the physical experience of anxiety. Sometimes
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: anxiety starts with the worried thoughts about a possible danger
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: in the future, and then our body reacts to that.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: But sometimes the body reacts first, so you know, it
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: could be that tight chest or that sort of buzzing
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: energy or the racing heart long before the mind has
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: a story or a narrative to a to it. And
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: so that's why anxiety can feel so complex and confusing.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: But either way, the experience can be incredibly distressing, and
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: because it's uncomfortable, our instinct is to try and control it,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: to force ourselves back to quote unquote normal. But that's
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: where we often get stuck. So the harder we try
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: to control the sensations that can't be completely controlled, the
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: more anxious we become about being anxious. And then suddenly
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: we're in a spiral. Our world narrows and everything fades
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: into the background while we focus put all our attention
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: onto what is happening inside our body. So, in a nutshell,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: it's not the anxiety itself that is the real problem.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: The problem lies in our capacity to experience it. While
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: it's there. So it's our tolerance of the anxiety, and
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: that's what determines whether anxiety becomes a wave that we
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: ride or something that clouds are life and we start
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: making decisions based on avoidance rather than on our values,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: the things that are important to us, the person we
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: want to be, how we want to live our life.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: So learning to increase that tolerance and to develop acceptance
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: means that we can still live the life that we
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: want and ride the anxiety a wave until it dissipates.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: So back to me and my experience of anxiety over
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: the last forty eight hours or so. So, my nineteen
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: year old daughter put a pack on her back, and
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: the other day I said goodbye to her at the
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: airport as she headed off to Central America. Now, as
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: you can imagine, saying goodbye to your child wherever she
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: decided to travel is really, really difficult. This is the
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: first time she's gone off on her own. Although she
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: is meeting her cousin over there, she's still traveling thirty hours.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I was three flights on her own. I'm full of
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: anxiety because all of a sudden I can't protect her.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So of course, all the what ifs are coming into
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: my mind, and my role as a mum and having
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: that sort of protector role has been a major role
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: for pretty much to this point. She is incredibly organized
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: and I have had very little input into any of
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: the plans. So as much as I am very proud
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: that she has done that, again, there is this lack
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: of control for me. So my role as her mother
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: has really pivoted, and I'll be honest, it's been really hard.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: So in the lead up of going to the airport
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: and then dropping her off and seeing her through to departures,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: up until now, my nervous system has pretty much been
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: on high alert. So I'll tell you what that feels
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: like for me. So my heart rate is sitting higher
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: than usual, so I've been able to actually feel my
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: heart rate so i can notice that it's higher than usual.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: I've pretty much had a tightness across my chest, a
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: little bit short of breath, so I've had to sort
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: of take deeper, slower breaths, felt teary at random moments,
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: checking my phone a lot just to check as she's
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: gone on her trip, whether she has text me, just
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: to check that she's at each location. So these are
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: all kind of the classic signs that my system is
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: activated and also that something matters deeply to me, And
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  Speaker 1: I think that's really important to know that the reason
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I am feeling the anxiety is because I obviously love
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: and care for my daughter and want to make sure
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: that she's safe. So what have I actually done with
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: all this anxiety? So the first thing is, I've been
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: really curious about the sensations in my body without trying
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: to change them. I'm just noticing them. I'm allowing them
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: to be there, so there's no fixing and no fighting.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: So I could have gone straight into breath work to
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: try and control to regulate my physiology, and on another
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: day that might have been exactly what I would choose
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: to do, But in those moments, I knew that focusing
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: on my breath would only make me zoom in more
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: on my physical sensations, and that's not what I needed.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: So I didn't want to add any pressure by trying
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: to control my physiology. And that's really that was really
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: just a choice and probably the opposite of what many
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: experts would prescribe. That what I was doing is just
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: listening deeply to what I actually needed in that moment,
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  Speaker 1: and that was full acceptance. I found just being fully
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: accepting of the anxiety that was showing up was more
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: helpful than trying to regulate it. The other thing that
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: I've done is something that the stoics call the view
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: from above, and this is really powerful. It's a reminder
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: to zoom out, to take the wider perspective, because the
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: fears that I have they're not real. They're not right now.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: And of course, yes, the what ifs that come into
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: our head, they could come true. And that's the nature
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: of parenting. Really, We're always going to have those what
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: ifs in our mind. But I knew in the moment
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: they're just predictions in a crystal ball that doesn't exist.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: So when I take the view from above, I can
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: see exactly what's really happening. I'm her mother, and of
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: of course my instinct is to protect her. Saying goodbye
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: goes against that instinct, so it makes perfect sense that
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: my nervous system is on high alert. So this view
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: from above is really part of the acceptance work. But
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: the same wider view also shows me something else. It
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: shows me the fruits of my parenting. That she is brave,
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: she's adventurous, she's curious about the world. She's interested in
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: culture's food, people, languages, And yes, her independence makes me anxious,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: but it also makes me really really proud. So underneath
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: that anxiety is something much bigger. There is a gratitude
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: for who she is becoming. So what that does is
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: it shows me that there is more there than just
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: my anxiety. And so from that perspective, I can imagine
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: my future self looking back on this moment, and I
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: can see that future self thinking, you handled your anxiety
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: without letting it run the show, like you didn't shut
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: your life down. You didn't force her to stay you know,
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: you stayed open, present, and connected. So that view from
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: above brings a lot of steadiness. And something else that
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I remind myself of this is that thoughts are not facts.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: You know, they are worried thoughts about the future, and
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: as normal as they are, they're really not helpful. Like
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: she's already gone, and the what if thoughts don't keep
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: her safer. All they do is stir up my nervous system.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: The only helpful action was to brief her on safety
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: before she left. So yep, okay, they are helpful in
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: that context, and that part is done, so instead of
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: letting my anxiety take the lead. Here, I come back
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: to my compass. Who do I want to be? What
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: kind of mother do I want to be? What kind
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: of person do I want to be? And this is
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: what we can learn from the stoics. They base their
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: life on virtues rather than basing their life always on
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: emotions and thoughts. And so for me, that was or
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: is still that openness to life, that courage in the
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: face of all the uncertainty and the anxiety that's showing up,
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: and the wisdom to choose my actions rather than react
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: from fear, and that compass gives me something solid to
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: orientate towards when my internal world feels really unsteady. And
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: to be honest, my anxiety is still here right now.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Even as I speak to you. It has come down
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a lot because she's now there and I've heard from her,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: and so my nervous system can have a little break,
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: but you know, it's still there. So I'm not waiting
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: for it to vanish before I can live. You know,
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I'm riding the wave knowing it is going to rise
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: and fall over the time that she's away. So this
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: morning I got up and I went to the gym,
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: connected with supportive friends, picked my son up from his
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: first job and celebrated that moment with him. And the
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: anxiety has eased, it's come back, it's eased again, and
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: it's resurfaced, and that's okay because that's what it does,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: and that's what I'm expecting it to do over the
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: next couple of months that she's away. But what it
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  Speaker 1: doesn't do. It does not decide how I live my life.
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  Speaker 1: I do that. So I really hope if you are
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: struggling with anxiety, or if you know somebody that is
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: going through some stuff right now and you think this
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: could help them, please share. And we always can learn
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: from each other's experience. So have a great week, everybody,
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: and I will catch you next week. Sia