Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / MOTHERHOOD 😅 The push back I got from ONE INSTAGRAM STORY 🤭🥵

Transcript

MOTHERHOOD 😅 The push back I got from ONE INSTAGRAM STORY 🤭🥵 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the she Risers Podcast. I'm Ashi
0:13
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
0:14
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
0:17
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
0:20
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
0:23
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
0:26
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for
0:29
Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello everybody, Welcome back to
0:32
Speaker 1: a Wednesday episode with and Ashi. Miday's topic is gonna
0:36
Speaker 1: ruffle a few feathers.
0:37
Speaker 2: We love to do that, as you guys know, Yeah,
0:40
Speaker 2: and you know.
0:40
Speaker 1: What willet ruffle feathers? Or is it just a topic
0:43
Speaker 1: that everyone has very different opinions on, so let's get
0:47
Speaker 1: straight into it. I reposted this quote that I was like, fuck, yeah,
0:52
Speaker 1: that's awesome, but boy did it get some pushback. Fifty
0:56
Speaker 1: percent were like WHOA not actual? Really more? I reckon
0:58
Speaker 1: seventy five percent of moms we're like, oh my god, yes,
1:00
Speaker 1: wiping up with like the clapping emojis. And then there
1:03
Speaker 1: was a couple that were like totally on the other
1:06
Speaker 1: end and fully disagree with it and voice their opinions.
1:09
Speaker 1: And I loved it. It was cool to hear everyone's
1:11
Speaker 1: perspective and anything around motherhood. Everyone's got their own way.
1:15
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. Everyone thinks they know what is best. What
1:18
Speaker 1: makes a good mum, what makes a bad mum? What's
1:21
Speaker 1: the right way to do things? And I don't think
1:22
Speaker 1: it's the one size fits all. I think your family,
1:25
Speaker 1: your values, your relationship, your children, your finances, it's all
1:30
Speaker 1: so different. So how can you say one way is
1:32
Speaker 1: the right way to do things? Yeah? Anyways, the quote
1:35
Speaker 1: said the world needs more mums who go after their
1:39
Speaker 1: dreams because our kids are watching. Oh I love that.
1:43
Speaker 1: I love it. That's the best. So true. Yeah, I
1:45
Speaker 1: did not watch my mum follow her dreams. The pushback
1:48
Speaker 1: that I got, I wrote down one of them because
1:51
Speaker 1: I think it would help this conversation to give more
1:53
Speaker 1: context Where she was at. She said, I disagree, our
1:57
Speaker 1: kids need more present mums. I could not care less
2:00
Speaker 1: what my mum did for a career. What I remember
2:03
Speaker 1: is her being there for everything. We were her world,
2:06
Speaker 1: and we need to normalize more of this. And I
2:09
Speaker 1: was like, hmm, good point. I see both sides. Yeah,
2:13
Speaker 1: but my side. I wanted to talk about more growing
2:17
Speaker 1: up my mom worked a lot because she had to.
2:20
Speaker 1: She didn't have a choice. It was survival. Like, she
2:22
Speaker 1: did not have much money. She was the main breadwinner.
2:25
Speaker 1: My stepfather was always getting fired and in out of
2:27
Speaker 1: jobs and just living his best life really, so my
2:30
Speaker 1: mom was always making sure that we had food on
2:32
Speaker 1: our plate, and we got to go to school, and
2:33
Speaker 1: we got to do dancing and all the things that
2:35
Speaker 1: we wanted to do. So I watched my mom never
2:38
Speaker 1: prioritize herself. She was always drained, always tired, probably resentful,
2:44
Speaker 1: always in survival mode, never thriving. And I'm so grateful
2:48
Speaker 1: for everything she did for us in the life she
2:50
Speaker 1: provided and how she did what she could with what
2:52
Speaker 1: she had. Of Course, however, I would have loved to
2:56
Speaker 1: see her lit up with a hobby. I would have
2:59
Speaker 1: loved her to come home from work and for her
3:01
Speaker 1: to share her day and say, today, it was amazing,
3:03
Speaker 1: we did this, we did that, we did that. But
3:05
Speaker 1: whenever I asked when I'm about her work, it's like, oh,
3:08
Speaker 1: another stressful day, like this person say this, and I
3:11
Speaker 1: was dealing with this amount of money, and it was
3:13
Speaker 1: just was never positive. Yeah, I never remember my mom
3:16
Speaker 1: just like loving her work so that created stories to
3:19
Speaker 1: me that you get a job to pay bills. Yeah,
3:22
Speaker 1: that's what life is. You get a job and it
3:24
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you're happy, you enjoy, you get to
3:25
Speaker 1: pay bills. So I grew up with that belief, and
3:28
Speaker 1: I grew up watching my mom never happy because I'm
3:31
Speaker 1: like gone the full opposite. Yeah, I agree with this quote.
3:35
Speaker 1: I want my kids to see and for it to
3:38
Speaker 1: be normal for them to find what they love doing. Yeah,
3:43
Speaker 1: how it can make impact and make money from it. Yeah, absolutely,
3:47
Speaker 1: create a dream, create a life where you get to
3:49
Speaker 1: wake up every day excited to go to work, because
3:52
Speaker 1: guess what, most of us are spending more hours working,
3:55
Speaker 1: not what we are doing anything else in our life
3:56
Speaker 1: from sleeping. So you want to enjoy for her. Yeah,
3:59
Speaker 1: And I want my kids to see that it's normal
4:02
Speaker 1: for mom and dad to go to date night, to
4:04
Speaker 1: spend time with each other, to prioritize each other.
4:06
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:07
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a girl, so I can only speak
4:08
Speaker 1: on my behalf. But I want my little girl and
4:10
Speaker 1: my little boy to see how important connection, relationships and
4:15
Speaker 1: friendships are. Yeah, my mom has no friends. Yeah, she
4:17
Speaker 1: hasn't had friends for a very long time. She got
4:19
Speaker 1: burned a couple of times, and like that was it. Yeah,
4:21
Speaker 1: friendship is so important to me. My friends literally have
4:24
Speaker 1: saved my life more than they would ever know.
4:27
Speaker 2: Yah.
4:28
Speaker 1: I want my kids to see how much I pour
4:29
Speaker 1: into my friendships and how important they are and how
4:31
Speaker 1: much they hold me through some really tough time.
4:34
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:34
Speaker 1: I want all of that to be normal. So if
4:36
Speaker 1: I want that to be normal for them and for
4:38
Speaker 1: them to never feel guilty or shameful or uncomfortable around
4:41
Speaker 1: any of that, I have to lead the way. I
4:42
Speaker 1: have to show them. So my head, that makes total sense.
4:46
Speaker 1: But I hear this other woman who you know, was
4:49
Speaker 1: so grateful that her mum was just there for literally everything. Yeah,
4:53
Speaker 1: I love that for her, and I think that's so beautiful.
4:55
Speaker 1: But why can't we have a beautiful balance of both? Yeah,
4:58
Speaker 1: And that's my question, And I believe we can. I
5:02
Speaker 1: believe I'm doing all of that. And I also have
5:04
Speaker 1: never missed a school. I've chosen a career and a
5:07
Speaker 1: job and a business, and I've sacrificed a lot to
5:10
Speaker 1: be in a position that i can do all the
5:12
Speaker 1: things I want to do, not miss anything with my kids' school. Yeah,
5:17
Speaker 1: show me the mom. I want to be and show
5:19
Speaker 1: them that they too can have their cake and eat it.
5:21
Speaker 1: You know, why can't we have it all? We have
5:23
Speaker 1: this beautiful blend of it both. And there's different seasons
5:26
Speaker 1: where work definitely takes up more of my capacity for sure,
5:30
Speaker 1: and there's different seasons where I'm full deep in motherhood. Yeah,
5:33
Speaker 1: especially like the newborn stage when they're going through something
5:35
Speaker 1: or they're sick, or they're just needing you more emotionally.
5:38
Speaker 1: There's different seasons for it all. But yeah, I love
5:41
Speaker 1: to challenge this old, limiting, disordered belief around you can't
5:46
Speaker 1: have it all.
5:47
Speaker 2: It's almost like it has to be one way. It's
5:49
Speaker 2: like it has to be all this way or all
5:52
Speaker 2: the opposite way. There's never any like middle ground or
5:55
Speaker 2: where you kind of are learning to like what you
5:57
Speaker 2: were saying, sometimes you're more motherhood, sometimes you're more business
6:00
Speaker 2: based on what needs you at that given time. So
6:03
Speaker 2: it's like everything I've I mean, I don't know because
6:06
Speaker 2: I'm not a parent, but I imagine it would be ever interchanging.
6:09
Speaker 1: It is always, yeah, die every week, every month, every year.
6:12
Speaker 1: I could imagine.
6:13
Speaker 2: And you know what's interesting, Like my mom was very similar,
6:15
Speaker 2: Like my mom didn't work. But my mom was a
6:17
Speaker 2: full time care for five children, so I'm one of five,
6:20
Speaker 2: and I never watched her grow up having friends or
6:23
Speaker 2: hobbies or things that really lit her up. She was
6:26
Speaker 2: just very much motherhood and like same thing. Like even
6:29
Speaker 2: I say to her now, I'm like, I would love
6:31
Speaker 2: to see her do something that actually lights her up
6:33
Speaker 2: and makes her super happy, because, like what you said,
6:35
Speaker 2: you have to be the example of that so that
6:37
Speaker 2: your children then believe that that's possible too. Yes, you know,
6:40
Speaker 2: and how cool would that have been, even though I
6:42
Speaker 2: chose something different than what my mom has in terms
6:45
Speaker 2: of prioritizing friends and being really important just like you
6:48
Speaker 2: and have experienced it in my real life, like how
6:50
Speaker 2: beautiful having friends are, having hobbies, having a career, like
6:53
Speaker 2: all of those things, how much they make me me?
6:56
Speaker 2: And I could imagine that would only help me pour
6:58
Speaker 2: into being a mom so much more because I'd be
7:00
Speaker 2: able to show up better, happier, I'm more lit up.
7:03
Speaker 2: I'm also more creative. I also get to like pour
7:06
Speaker 2: that then into them and go, these are some really
7:08
Speaker 2: beautiful traits about me because of what I've chosen. This
7:11
Speaker 2: is something you had to have for yourself as well.
7:13
Speaker 1: Just think it's so important it is, You're so right,
7:15
Speaker 1: it needs to be like one way or the other.
7:17
Speaker 1: And where did that come from? Yeah? Like where has
7:20
Speaker 1: that stemmed from? I don't know.
7:21
Speaker 2: I feel like it would be personal beliefs, people's own
7:24
Speaker 2: shame and judgment around what they're allowed and not allowed
7:26
Speaker 2: to do based on what they've seen, Yeah, or grown
7:29
Speaker 2: up having or not having.
7:31
Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting and there's obviously so many projections online.
7:34
Speaker 1: It's like every time I go away with Steep or
7:36
Speaker 1: even on a date night, not as much date nights anymore,
7:38
Speaker 1: but every night again. But if I go away with
7:40
Speaker 1: him for a stay k oh, I'm the worst mother
7:43
Speaker 1: on earth. Like, oh, she's always leaving her children behind.
7:46
Speaker 1: And like, obviously I come to Britain. I do travel
7:47
Speaker 1: for work, But yes I do, and I love it.
7:50
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have the best. I'm not gonna deny
7:52
Speaker 1: I love going over my girlfriends. Yeah for a stay
7:54
Speaker 1: k or a holiday, I'm not denying that. I love it.
7:57
Speaker 1: Why can't I love that? Just because I'm a mum,
7:59
Speaker 1: I have to let go of everything else that I enjoy. Yeah,
8:01
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel bad for that, and I
8:03
Speaker 1: don't feel bad for that, and you know, it's crazy
8:05
Speaker 1: as well.
8:05
Speaker 2: It's like, this is a huge generalization, by the way,
8:07
Speaker 2: but you see a lot of women who lose themselves
8:10
Speaker 2: in potentially motherhood or being the household caretaker and not
8:15
Speaker 2: really providing anything for themselves and being wildly unhappy, being miserable, depressed.
8:20
Speaker 2: One's precious, that's right, you know. And it's like, now
8:24
Speaker 2: you're in this life that you're living. And not to
8:26
Speaker 2: say that you don't love being a parent, you do.
8:27
Speaker 2: They're your absolute world. They're your absolute world. But it's
8:31
Speaker 2: like there's a part of those women who are also
8:33
Speaker 2: craving something bigger, something deeper, a different aspect of life, creativity,
8:38
Speaker 2: to have their confidence back all of those things. It's
8:42
Speaker 2: a tough thing when there's a lot of judgments around
8:44
Speaker 2: what you should shouldn't do when it has nothing to
8:46
Speaker 2: do with anybody else.
8:47
Speaker 1: I was talking to Taylor, my coach, about it the
8:48
Speaker 1: other day. So he's got three children, three young children,
8:51
Speaker 1: and they own Native State and calling Uttah and him
8:54
Speaker 1: and his beautiful fiance working it together, and we were
8:57
Speaker 1: having this discussion around mums that a stay at home mums,
9:00
Speaker 1: and he's like, there's only so much Google Gaga that
9:03
Speaker 1: you can do all day before you get to go
9:04
Speaker 1: on saying yes, yes, you can love it so much,
9:08
Speaker 1: but you can love being a mum. But you don't
9:09
Speaker 1: have to love every single moment. It is so okay.
9:13
Speaker 1: If anyone's told you otherwise, this is your full permission, slip.
9:16
Speaker 1: It's okay for you to enjoy other things. Yes, even okay,
9:19
Speaker 1: just for you to want some time out by yourself.
9:21
Speaker 2: Yeah. And you know what's interesting as well, Just because
9:23
Speaker 2: you feel guilt doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing.
9:26
Speaker 1: Yes, that's such a good thing, right.
9:27
Speaker 2: Because let's put this in a different perspective. When you
9:30
Speaker 2: put a boundary in with somebody, you're gonna feel guilty
9:32
Speaker 2: if you're not used to doing it. But it doesn't
9:34
Speaker 2: mean that it's the wrong thing. It actually means it's
9:36
Speaker 2: the right thing. It's just shows you how much you've
9:38
Speaker 2: abandoned yourself up until that moment.
9:41
Speaker 1: Mic drop right. Wow, same thing with parenting.
9:44
Speaker 2: Again, This is speculation from me because I don't have children, right,
9:47
Speaker 2: so I can only say so much. But in terms
9:49
Speaker 2: of that doing the same thing and feeling that sense
9:51
Speaker 2: of guilt doesn't mean that you're wrong because.
9:53
Speaker 1: You feel it.
9:54
Speaker 2: It's because you actually care.
9:55
Speaker 1: You love your children.
9:56
Speaker 2: You want to spend every time with them, all of
9:58
Speaker 2: your time with them. Yeah, but you're allowed to have
10:01
Speaker 2: time for yourself as well. And the more that you do,
10:04
Speaker 2: I'm sure the better parent you're going to be, the
10:06
Speaker 2: better partner you're going to be. How much kinder you're
10:09
Speaker 2: going to be to yourself when you can actually pull
10:11
Speaker 2: back into yourself.
10:12
Speaker 1: When you go with your friends, Like say, I go
10:14
Speaker 1: with my friends, I go for a stay care with Steve,
10:16
Speaker 1: or I come up here, I go to Bali, I
10:19
Speaker 1: do something without my children. I can go away and
10:22
Speaker 1: enjoy that and still miss the absolute fuck out of them,
10:25
Speaker 1: and I do every time. But that's okay. I will survive. Yeah,
10:30
Speaker 1: you know me going away for a week in their
10:32
Speaker 1: lifetime is a short amount of time in the span
10:34
Speaker 1: of things. Yeah, it really is. I wanted to bring
10:37
Speaker 1: this into conversation because I know so many women listening
10:41
Speaker 1: are mums, and so many of us have been told
10:43
Speaker 1: by our moms, or our grandparents, or society, social media,
10:47
Speaker 1: other people that you're a bad mum for doing X
10:49
Speaker 1: y Z. You're not Yeah, I'm gonna tell you over
10:52
Speaker 1: and over again. I will have this conversation forever. You're
10:55
Speaker 1: not a bad mum. If you want to go on
10:57
Speaker 1: a date night, have a hobby, have a career, try
11:00
Speaker 1: something new, or you feel like you need a fucking break,
11:02
Speaker 1: it does make your bad mum. You're a human having
11:05
Speaker 1: a human experience, and you're allowed to enjoy different things,
11:08
Speaker 1: and you're allowed to change your mind as well. You
11:09
Speaker 1: might have loved being a mother full time stay at
11:12
Speaker 1: home care for the first three years, and then you decide, actually,
11:15
Speaker 1: I want to go back in the workplace, and you
11:17
Speaker 1: put the one day here for two days a week,
11:18
Speaker 1: and you go back to the workplace and you start
11:20
Speaker 1: having some income for yourself for so explore new study
11:23
Speaker 1: or whatever. Like. You're allowed to change your mind.
11:24
Speaker 2: You're allowed to have adult conversations.
11:26
Speaker 1: You are allowed to have adult conversations. Yes, one hundred percent.
11:31
Speaker 1: So yeah, motherhood. It's a very controversial topic and it
11:33
Speaker 1: always gets pushed back, and there's just so many opinions
11:36
Speaker 1: around her. But I love this girl's comment because I
11:39
Speaker 1: love that her mum was able to be there for her,
11:41
Speaker 1: and I love that she felt so cared for and
11:43
Speaker 1: loved and it looks so different to my upbringing. But
11:46
Speaker 1: there's not one right or wrong. I would love to
11:49
Speaker 1: interview her mom and see where she was at that
11:51
Speaker 1: whole time and where she's at now, Like my mum.
11:54
Speaker 1: In hindsight now, she's like, I wish I took more
11:57
Speaker 1: time for myself. We talk about it now, like she
12:00
Speaker 1: does not even think she is worthy of going to
12:03
Speaker 1: get a massage. She's so aware of the old conditioning. Yeah.
12:06
Speaker 1: And she's like, I'm so glad that you have broken
12:08
Speaker 1: that cycle and normalize, and she goes, I can see
12:11
Speaker 1: how much you value yourself and I just love that
12:13
Speaker 1: for you. I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'm worthy of a
12:15
Speaker 1: massive you work hard, I'm worthy of relaxing.
12:19
Speaker 2: Yeah.
12:19
Speaker 1: And I joke about it with her and she's like,
12:20
Speaker 1: I just wish I could get to that point. I'm
12:22
Speaker 1: super aware of it. But in hindsight now she's like,
12:25
Speaker 1: I just wish I did things so differently. Yeah, And
12:27
Speaker 1: you know, you only know what you know, and they didn't.
12:29
Speaker 1: That generation especially didn't have access. We spoke out this
12:32
Speaker 1: the other day to life coaches, to YouTube to podcaster
12:35
Speaker 1: people openly talking about therapy and working through their childhood
12:38
Speaker 1: traumas and all that stuff. So they did the best
12:41
Speaker 1: they can. But she's like, I'm just so glad that
12:42
Speaker 1: you can show your kids a different way to do things.
12:46
Speaker 1: And she even said to me she definitely had a
12:48
Speaker 1: bit of resentment around like kids, yeah, because it was
12:51
Speaker 1: everything she wanted and more like she wanted to be
12:53
Speaker 1: in mu more than anything in the whole entire world.
12:55
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean it's not hard, no, not that
12:57
Speaker 1: who The thing that you always say to me is like,
12:59
Speaker 1: you can say something and it doesn't have to mean something,
13:02
Speaker 1: or you can feel something. Yeah, you don't have to
13:04
Speaker 1: act on it. You can feel something and it doesn't
13:06
Speaker 1: have to mean anything deeper. Yeah you know.
13:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can have a moment and it can just
13:10
Speaker 2: be present in that moment. It exists in that moment,
13:12
Speaker 2: and then five minutes later you think and feel something
13:14
Speaker 2: completely different.
13:15
Speaker 1: And that's motherhood in a nutshell. It's like, my fucking
13:17
Speaker 1: kids are driving me up the wall, like get me
13:20
Speaker 1: back to bowing, and then they come over and like
13:22
Speaker 1: love your mommy, Like, oh my god, I love you
13:24
Speaker 1: your mom so much, not for thinking why didn't hear that?
13:27
Speaker 2: Or they're like napping and you're taking photos of them
13:28
Speaker 2: like you're can't fare my everything.
13:30
Speaker 1: Literally, it's like that gets to be there, just allow
13:32
Speaker 1: all to be there.
13:33
Speaker 2: It's that learning how to flow with each emotion that
13:36
Speaker 2: comes forward. And just when you learn to process emotion
13:39
Speaker 2: in the moment, whether good or bad or heavy, yes,
13:41
Speaker 2: then you allow that natural flow of like hey, this moment,
13:44
Speaker 2: I feel happy, and inn this moment I feel sad,
13:46
Speaker 2: and then this moment I'm laughing, and you just go
13:49
Speaker 2: on the natural flow of those emotions.
13:50
Speaker 1: That doesn't are wrong or right. It's literally just an emotion.
13:53
Speaker 1: Just your experience doesn't define who you are. Not at
13:56
Speaker 1: all depressed, angry, frustrated, so be joyful, guilty whatever. Yeah, yeah,
14:00
Speaker 1: it's just an emotion that you're feeling. Comes up and
14:02
Speaker 1: then it goes just like a crashing wave. Yeah, if
14:04
Speaker 1: you watch an it gets to its peak, like we
14:07
Speaker 1: get to our peak, crashes down. Then it smooths out
14:09
Speaker 1: in him and then you're happy, and then you eat snacks.
14:13
Speaker 1: Then you're off for a local love. Then you call
14:15
Speaker 1: your best friend and you're fine. Yeah yeah, that's right. Yeah,
14:18
Speaker 1: and then the ways come together.
14:19
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then that's right, and one minute it was
14:21
Speaker 2: a ten minute voice message about what was happening, and
14:23
Speaker 2: then the next week's I want to go for a walk.
14:24
Speaker 1: Literally, oh my gosh. So yeah, I don't be there.
14:28
Speaker 1: I'm glad we brought this in and I hope it
14:30
Speaker 1: inspires moms out there to create a different path, to
14:34
Speaker 1: do things differently, to be a trialbilizer. And like, imagine
14:36
Speaker 1: if you decided to do something, how many other mums
14:38
Speaker 1: will then see you do them be like, oh my god,
14:40
Speaker 1: if she can do it, I need to do it. Yeah,
14:41
Speaker 1: she gets to live that life. Hell yeah, yeah, I
14:44
Speaker 1: want to live that life. I want to create that
14:45
Speaker 1: for myself too. Now you show me it's possible.
14:47
Speaker 2: And you know what's beautiful is like you only need
14:49
Speaker 2: one person to be evidence of what you want.
14:51
Speaker 1: To be true and possible for you.
14:53
Speaker 2: And that's the whole point of like parenting, right, is
14:55
Speaker 2: that you come together with your partner to create a
14:58
Speaker 2: new way of being. Yeah, you're choosing to do things different.
15:01
Speaker 2: If you don't like something that you were raised or
15:03
Speaker 2: something that you're taught, you have absolute choice and autonomy
15:08
Speaker 2: over choosing something new for yourself and your family.
15:10
Speaker 1: How fun is that? It's so fun? It's so freeing.
15:13
Speaker 2: The thought that you get to have choice in that
15:15
Speaker 2: matter of what you get to choose, teach, and create
15:19
Speaker 2: is so fun to me.
15:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, so freaking cool. So I hope this lands for
15:23
Speaker 1: any mum's out there. Otherwise we'll see in the next episode. Bye.