Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / So You’re Not Controlling? Your Partner Disagrees

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So You’re Not Controlling? Your Partner Disagrees · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and I'm going to offer you episode two in this five-part series on men and coercive, controlling, and abusive behaviors.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: In episode one, we talked a little about the way in which some of the dynamic elements find expression and to some extent their effects upon the recipient.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here in episode two, we're going to look at recognizing control within yourself.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this title is The Inner Mirror.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we're going to explore the moment when a man begins to look inward honestly and ask himself, what is my behavior doing to the relationship?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now recognition is difficult because control rarely feels like control from the inside.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: It often feels justified.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: A man may think and say, I was hurt, I was reacting, I was trying to protect the relationship.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't mean harm.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: But intention and impact are not the same.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Control often appears subtly, things like withdrawing affection to influence behavior, correcting or criticizing repeatedly, rewriting events, also known as gaslighting, punishing emotionally, needing emotional reassurance constantly, and feeling anger when independence appears.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now these behaviors often grow from insecurity, fear, or emotional pain, and that will always have its roots in the past.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when they shape the partner's emotional world and they have to adapt, then control is present.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So recognition requires psychological honesty, not am I a bad person, but what effect does my behavior have?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Does my partner feel safe, equal, free, heard, respected?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: These are good questions.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they feel careful, small, responsible for my feelings, afraid of upsetting me?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now the answers matter because recognition is where responsibility begins.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: When we think about the effect of how we are on others rather than just focusing on how the behavior of others causes us to feel and react, then we are starting to exercise awareness.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Awareness comes from recognition.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: The recognition is something's not working, something's not right.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Look at her and see, does she look okay?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: What would happen if you asked?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: What would happen if you ask the question, is there something that I do or something that I am that you can't tolerate?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Be honest, be open.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't ask the questions, you won't know the answers.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: So it's very important to have that awareness.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think in ordinary relationships of all kinds, an awareness of how we are and how we're experienced by others is really important.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's how things work.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's true that sometimes we do things that are experienced in a way which is not as we intended.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's possible for the two things to sit side by side.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: You felt that, and I'm sorry, because that wasn't what I intended.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about correcting the other person, it's about correcting what could be a misunderstanding.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that matters, that's how relationships actually build.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't do that, if instead you say, no, that's not what I said, or no, that's not what I meant, or you always do this, why is it you always misunderstand what I'm saying?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're back into the correcting behavior and you simply widen the gap.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: These are important things to be aware of.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think another thing that's really important to be aware of is the validation of feelings, not just yours, but the other person's.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: If she says, I feel frightened, I feel alone, I feel like I have to be careful, that's real.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: That is what she is feeling, that is what she is expressing.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: It is not wrong.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It can't be.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Recently I saw a couple where one person said of the other who had said that she was feeling scared, said, I don't agree.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I intervened and said, What do you mean you don't agree?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: His response was there's no reason to feel scared.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, What she said was she feels scared.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can neither agree or disagree.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have to accept it.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And in fairness to him, he could see the point that was being made.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is vitally important because if you disagree with or contradict what somebody else tells you they're feeling, that is a failing.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of those who say, Well, that's just your opinion.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: When someone says, I'm experiencing this or I'm feeling that or I can't cope with this, that's just your opinion, is an incredibly limited and fairly unintelligent thing to say because it's not an opinion, it is a felt reality.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when we ignore the felt reality of people, we diminish them.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it the other way around.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: What if someone said that to you?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I don't agree, you've got it wrong, that's not the case at all.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are real.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: What you do with your feelings is another matter.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: However, for now, this kind of recognition, this kind of awareness opens up the possibility of change.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something else.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to remember that you're listening to a man.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not somebody who has been a victim of, but someone who has worked with and does work with the victims of countless women.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: In episode three, we're going to look at the turning point.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to look at the difference between responsibility and justification.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you manage to get through all five episodes, and I sincerely hope you do, my hope would be that you allow yourself to honestly reflect and think about what you can do and what help you might need to do it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.