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Transcript

When No Is Only Today’s Answer · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is a one-off episode, and I've entitled it When No Isn't the End of the Story.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I've done this because for a very long time I've believed in something that a very old colleague and dear friend of mine described as stickability.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not a very technical term, but it's when we commit ourselves to something and we don't deviate from it.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: We see it through.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are moments in life when we hear a single word that seems to, I don't know, just close every door.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that word is no.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it comes from an employer, a partner, a doctor, a school, or just from life itself.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when we hear it, it's very easy to believe that the conversation has ended.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I I don't but I don't buy that.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, I mean, it to me that's the beginning.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I'd like to tell you a story.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not about a particular person or a particular educational environment.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And what I hope is that everything that could identify those involved has been removed.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this is because the story isn't just about them, it's about something much bigger.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about what happens when we choose not to confuse today's answers with tomorrow's possibilities.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: So a young person found themselves in a situation where they were told that the subject that they most wanted to study simply wasn't going to be available to them.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there were reasons behind this rationale, but in order to protect the identities of those involved, I'm not going to go into the details.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But for the young person concerned, it mattered enormously.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Their sense of well-being, their mental health, and their future, or at least their plans, were heavily reliant upon this.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to everyone involved, it appeared that the decision communicated had already been made and there was nowhere left to go.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we've all experienced moments like that, you know, situations in which there's something that we want, there's something that we ask for, we try and encourage others to see it from our point of view, and the answer is no.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess the details are always different, but the feeling is just the same.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: The sense that something important has slipped beyond our reach.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, when that happens, we usually find ourselves standing at a crossroads.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: One path is frustration, the other is anger, another is simply giving up.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But crossroads have four roads.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: So there's another path.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's often the most difficult.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the path of remaining thoughtful, respectful, and quietly persistent.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to be very clear about something.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Persistence is not the same as refusing to listen.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about becoming argumentative or believing that we are always right.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Real persistence begins with curiosity.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: It asks the question, help me understand.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: It seeks evidence.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It tries to understand the pressures facing the other person, the institution.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: It looks for solutions instead of enemies.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It understands the context.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Over many months that became the approach in this case.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: There were conversations, there were carefully considered letters, reports, and general correspondence.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then there were moments where nothing appeared to change.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: There would have been times where it would have been much easier to accept that the answer would always have to remain no.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, something kept saying not yet.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not because everyone was looking for an argument, not because someone wanted to win, but because there remained a genuine belief that another suit, a solution, might exist if enough care, thought, and patience were brought to the conversation.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, something interesting happens when we approach people in this way.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: We allow them room to think again.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: We don't force them into a corner.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: We don't ask them to lose face.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, we create space for a different conversation.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, not always, but sometimes, people reconsider.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is exactly what happened.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so after many months, the decision was revisited.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not only was the original position changed, but the final outcome exceeded anything that had seemed possible when I began this journey.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember sitting quietly afterwards and reflecting on what had happened.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: It would have been easy to call it a victory, but I don't think that's the right word because nobody lost, nothing was defeated.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: People simply found a better way forward, and that matters.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think we live in a world that too often assumes every disagreement must produce winners and losers.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the greatest success is simply that people continue talking long enough to discover a solution that nobody could see at the beginning.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: History reminds us that important change has often begun with individuals who quietly refuse to accept that today's circumstances must become tomorrow's reality, not through aggression or humiliation, not through shouting louder, but through conviction, dignity, patience, and the quiet determination to keep acting according to principle.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's another lesson this experience reminded me of.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: When we choose to stand alongside another person, when we advocate for them, when we use our knowledge or experience to help them through a difficult situation, our motivation cannot depend upon what we receive in return.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, of course, appreciation is always welcome.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It would be strange to pretend otherwise, but gratitude can never become the reason we act.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: If we only do the right thing when someone notices, if we only persevere when someone thanks us, then recognition has quietly become our motivation instead of principle.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is much simpler.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: We do these things because they're the right things to do.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing more, nothing less.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps that's one of the most freeing lessons we can learn, and it is compelling.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because those who are on the receiving end of that determination, of that single-minded focus cannot be persuaded to ignore it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Our persistence, our focus, and our principles speak louder than anything else.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: In this case, I spent more time than I can possibly calculate trying to get the right thing accomplished in the right ways.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Once our values become independent of other people's reactions, we're no longer controlled by praise or disappointment or winning or losing.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because our integrity belongs to us.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: The next time life tells you no, don't immediately assume you've reached the end of the story.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you have.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the answer really is no, but sometimes it is simply today's answer.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: If your cause is just, if your evidence is sound, if your conduct remains respectful, and if you continue to seek understanding rather than conflict, don't ever mistake the first answer for the final one.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Some of life's most meaningful changes begin with people who quietly refuse to abandon what they know to be right.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not because success is guaranteed, not because recognition is expected, but because integrity asks something of us.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Hold on to what's right in principle and action.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: You may never know whose futures change because you chose not to let the conversation end with a single word, and that word is none.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Throughout the course of my career, and I think to some large extent in my personal life, I've often been met with no.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's always disappointing, but it simply makes me think, well, you're saying no now, but we're not done yet.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: This could be to do with an appeal against the PIP application and EHCP, a refusal from CAMS to prescribe a whole host of things.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: But my view is that if my request, if my interests are underpinned by evidence and the right thing for patients, I'm not going to back down from that.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I want to be argumentative, not because I want to win, it's because I want to do what's right for the people I work with.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't say these things for any kind of recognition.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I say them because they're right and because those principles are transferable.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you do what is right, and by right I mean what you believe to be right, then you can never be wrong.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Admittedly, it doesn't mean everything everybody's going to see the same thing from your point of view.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if it matters to you, whatever it might be, whether it's your child at school, whether it's trying to persuade and request from people what you really deserve, don't accept no.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't an invitation to be argumentative, it's an invitation to be persistent, it's an invitation to invite others into your situation.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: If it matters to you, and of course it will, then you have to do what's right.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: No is not a conclusion.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: No is an obstacle.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: In my experience and encountering many, many obstacles, what drives me forward is the notion that no for me is simply the end of one phase and the beginning of another.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: This matters a whole lot for the patients that I work with.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm very often called into a position where there is a need for me to advocate for the family, for the child, whether it's child protection or whether it's medication or special needs or a whole bunch of things.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And these things exist way beyond the consulting room, but they are to do with an abiding commitment to doing what is right for the child.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And very often this sees me in a position where I am challenging and confronting what I regard to be professional ineptitude.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And my my responses to that don't make me too popular at times, but I can live with that because it doesn't matter.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is accomplishing what is right, and that requires a sense of persistence and an authority, which I've earned, that makes it possible for me to say, no, this is right, and we have to come back to what is right.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is transferable and translatable in all interactions, in all relationships.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to stick with what you believe.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: If you know it to be right, then just do it.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: If it turns out that it's wrong and that you're wrong, okay, you have to accept that.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: But believe me, it is always worth pursuing what you believe to be right.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give up.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: My experience and my very recent experience after ten months of advocating for somebody who deserved to be treated with greater respect, and the outcome was way beyond my expectations to demonstrate that it's worthwhile.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.