Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / Outgrowing People, Without Making Them the Villain?
Transcript
- Tori: Hey everybody and welcome back to another episode of Don't Quote Me. Today I want to talk about something that I feel like we don't discuss enough, especially as adults, and that is outgrowing people. Friendships changing, relationships ending, and this idea that whenever somebody is no longer in our life, somebody must have done something wrong. But listen, I get it. Sometimes people do hurt us. And yes, friendships become unhealthy. And sometimes we absolutely need those boundaries. And sometimes walking away is the healthiest decision that we can make. I'm not taking away from any of those things. However, I do want to talk about the relationships where nobody necessarily was the bad guy, where nobody betrayed anybody, nobody was secretly jealous, and nobody was plotting on anybody's downfall. Everybody just simply changed. And maybe you met that met that person when you were younger and had completely different priorities. Or you used to talk every single day and now between having to balance work, family responsibilities, and just trying to keep your own life together, you lucky if you remember to even respond to a text message. Because listen, I am guilty as charged when it comes to that. I will read a message and assume that I wrote them back and I genuinely am like, okay, well, they're not responding to me. And I'm just like, wait a minute, I didn't respond to them. So I always like do a pre-warning. when it comes to people, and I'm just like, hey, I am horrible when it comes to texting. Sometimes you're gonna have to talk to yourself for me to realize that I haven't responded to you. And if you're okay with that, then we can continue. however, sometime somewhere along that way though, the relationship starts to look different. And instead of acknowledging that sometimes people can outgrow certain characteristics of themselves And grow in different directions, we start looking for somebody to blame. And here's where I'm might step on a few toes today. Sometimes we're not outgrowing people. Sometimes we're just uncomfortable with being held accountable. everybody likes to talk about protecting their peace until somebody says, Hey, you actually did hurt my feelings, and now all of a sudden they're toxic. And it's like, we need to actually discuss that, right? But I also want to talk about the other side as well and what happens when. You're the person who feels left behind when somebody you care about becomes distant and you're trying to figure things out because that can also hurt as well. So today we're gonna be talking about adult friendships, growth, boundaries, accountability, attachment, and learning how to accept that relationships can change without needing to rewrite the entire history of what they actually meant to you. And of course, I'm gonna be sharing my own little perspectives along the way. So grab yourself that coffee, tea, water, whatever you need, and let's dive into it. Okay, can we start by acknowledging that adult friendships are completely different experiences from friendships that we had growing up? Because when we're younger, maintaining relationships can feel so much easier. You can see each other at school, you live in the same neighborhood, you have similar schedules, and sometimes your biggest responsibility is figuring out whose house everybody is gonna be going to this weekend. Or on breaks. And then adulthood happens. People start working different schedules. Some people get married, have children, move out of state, move out of the city. And some even go back to school, start businesses, and we're just trying to make it through the week without completely losing our everlasting mind. And suddenly maintaining friendships required actual intention. And I think that's where things become complicated because sometimes we're still expecting people to show up the way they did when their lives looked complicated. completely different and we're expecting the same phone calls, the same availability from that individual, the same spontaneous plans and the same level of communication. However, life changes and sometimes our capacity changes along with it. Now, I want to be very careful here because I don't want us to use adulthood as an excuse to never put effort into our relationships, right? Being busy doesn't automatically mean stop being accountable to the people we care about. But I also think we need to recognize that relationships may require different expectations during different seasons of our lives. For example, you may have a friend who used to call you every single day. And now she's working full time, raising children and trying to manage a household. Maybe she doesn't have the energy for a hour, a two hour conversation every night anymore. Does that automatically mean that she doesn't value a relationship? Absolutely not. Not necessarily, right? But let's flip that. What if you're the friend who keeps reaching out and constantly feels like you're the only one making an effort, right? Your feelings matter too. Because understanding someone's circumstances doesn't mean you have to pretend that yours aren't important either. And that's where communication becomes necessary. Instead of assuming that someone doesn't care, maybe we have a conversation about what the friendship can realistically look like as of now. Sometimes maintaining a relationship Isn't about doing everything the way you used to. It's about finding a new way to remain connected. Now let's get into something that I've been noticing, especially when people talk about personal growth and healing. Why does every relationship that ends need a villain? And I don't mean situations involving abuse, manipulation, repeated disrespect, or genuine harm. Those experiences deserve to be taken seriously, right? I'm talking about the relationships that simply have changed. Sometimes we look back in a friendship that ended and suddenly everything becomes negative. We start questioning whether that person was ever really our friend. We convince ourselves that they were secretly jealous, never supported us, or were holding us back. And sometimes that may be true. However, sometimes it's not, right? Sometimes that person was a good friend during a particular season of our lives. Sometimes they supported you when you needed them. Sometimes they shared meaningful experiences. And sometimes relationship eventually stopped functioning the way that it once did. That doesn't automatically erase What was good about it, right? I think we sometimes struggle to accept that something can be meaningful without lasting forever. We want relationships to fit into these categories of either good or bad. Either somebody was loyal or somebody was fake. Either the relationship lasted or it was a waste of time. I am guilty of that. I do take my time seriously. So sometimes I'll be like, that was just a whole waste of my time. I can't believe that. However, relationships are more complicated than that. It's not all black and white. Someone can have been important to you and still not be a part of your life today. Someone can have cared about you and still have disappointed you as well. And you can have genuinely loved a friendship and still recognize that that connection has changed. And here's something I want us to consider right now. Sometimes labeling the other person as a villain. Makes it easier for us to process the ending, right? Because if there's a bad guy, then we don't have to sit with the sadness of simply growing apart. We don't have to acknowledge that two people can care about each other and still want different things. We don't have to grieve something that ended without a dramatic explanation. But not every ending comes with a clear answer. And that's what's tends to be uncomfortable, right? And so Let's just use this as an example, okay? Imagine two friends, Jasmine and Bree, who have known each other since high school. They were irrespective, but now they're in their 30s. Jasmine has become more focused on her career. She has family responsibilities. And Bree enjoys traveling, going out, and having more spontaneous lifestyle. Neither of these lifestyles are wrong. But their schedules, interests, and priorities are no longer aligning as easily as they used to in high school. Over time, they stop spending so much time together. Jasmine feels guilty because she can't show up as she used to. Brie feels hurt because she misses the closeness they want had, they once had, and eventually they barely speak. Right? Now, think about it. Think about this. Does Jasmine have to be a bad friend? Does Brie have to be immature? Or Can both women simply experience a change in the relationship that neither one fully knows how to navigate? And here's the important part. Maybe a conversation could help them reconnect in a different way. Or maybe they realize the friendship has naturally become less close. Either outcome is valid. But don't quote me. Everybody you don't talk to anymore isn't toxic. Sometimes they y'all just don't talk anymore. Okay, now we're stepping into a little bit of the uncomfortable zone, all right? Uncomfortable zone, getting uncomfortable. Because I feel like the phrase I've outgrown them has become something people use pretty casually. And sometimes, yes, you genuinely have outgrown a relationship. Your values may no longer align, your needs may have changed, the relationship may no longer feel reciprocal or healthy. But sometimes what we're calling growth is actually avoidance. So let me explain this. Imagine you have a friend who comes to you and says, hey, I feel hurt when you canceled our plans that last minute. This has happened a few times and I feel like my time isn't being respected. That's not automatically an attack. That's somebody communicating a concern they have. But instead of listening, you become defensive. You start thinking, why are they such a why is it making it such a big deal? I'm busy, I have a lot going on. They don't understand my lifestyle. And before you know it, you're saying, honestly, I've just outgrown that relationship. I'm protecting my peace. Okay, now pause, girl. Did you outgrow that friendship? Or did somebody ask you to take accountability and you didn't like how that felt? Because those are two completely different things. And listen, I'm not saying we have to tolerate disrespectful communication. Someone can have a valid concern and still communicate it poorly. We can set boundaries around how people speak to us. Absolutely. But being uncomfortable doesn't automatically mean they're being we're being mistreated, okay? Sometimes discomfort is a part of being in a relationship with another human being. Ding ding ding. We're going to misunderstand each other from here and there. We're going to be disappointing each other from here and there. We're going to have different expectations. And sometimes we're going to need to apologize. Growth doesn't mean we never hurt anybody. Growth means we're willing to recognize when we have hurt that person or caused harm. And I think it's especially important when we're talking about healing because healing isn't just about identifying what other people have done to us. It's also about being willing to look at how we show up in our relationships with others. Are we actually communicating clearly? Are we listening? Are we taking responsibility for our actions? Are we willing to repair something when we've caused harm? Because you can be working on yourself and still have areas where you need to grow as well. And that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. And here's today's uncomfortable truth. Protecting your peace shouldn't automatically mean avoiding every difficult conversation. Sometimes protecting your peace means having the conversation so you're no longer carrying the misunderstanding. And hey, yeah, I have done this before plenty of times. I used to be that person that's just like, it's better just to ghost somebody than have to sit here and explain anything because I can't tolerate the conversation. I am not a confrontational person. I used to be like that. But then I had to grow and understand like, hey, confrontation is not always bad. Sometimes it's just the miscommunication that has occurred and we just both need to get a better understanding of each other. And being okay with that. It took a while. It took a while, but we've gotten there. And hopefully you can get there too, right? Okay, y'all. So let me put that therapist hat on for just one moment because there are a few psychological concepts that we can gain understanding as to why changes in relationships can feel so difficult. So let's first talk about attachment. Our attachment experiences can influence how we interpret closeness, distance, and conflict in relationships, right? Some people become especially sensitive to signs that someone may be pulling away. Others may respond to conflict by creating distance or withdrawing. Ding ding. That used to be me. Now that doesn't mean we can diagnose someone's attachment style because they didn't respond to a text message. Please don't go doing that. This is not no TikTok. We're not doing we're not doing all of that, But it does mean that our past experiences can influence the meaning we assign to what's happening in the present. For example, imagine you have an you have a friend who hasn't responded to your message in two days. In one perception, you might think she's probably busy, I'll chuck on her later. Or another perception can be she's upset with me, I must have done something wrong. Or another one. Well, if she doesn't want to talk, I won't reach out again. Same situation, different interpretations. And those interpretations can influence how we respond to people and to ourselves with the situation. This is where. Cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT better known gives us a useful framework. Okay. Our thoughts about a situation can influence our emotions and behaviors. If I automatically interpret someone's distance as rejection, I may feel hurt or anxious. And if I act on that interpretation without checking whether it's accurate, I might create even more distance. That doesn't mean we ignore patterns or dismiss our feelings. It means that we practice Separating what we know from what we're assuming. Always the facts, guys. That's part of a DBT skill. However, maybe that person is busy. Maybe something is actually wrong. Maybe the relationship is actually changing. But before we decide which explanation is true, we can consider whether there's enough information to support it. Now let us talk about those boundaries. Cause you know me, I love a boundary. Boundaries are about what we are willing to participate in, What we need and how we will respond to When those limits aren't respected, But boundaries aren't supposed to be a way to control other people. No. For example, Saying if you raise your voice at me, I'm going to pause this conversation and come back when we're both calmer. That is a healthy boundary. Now, saying if you don't agree with everything I say, you're not allowed to be in my life is a different kind of expectation, and that is not a healthy thing. That is not a boundary. That's you trying to control everything. That is not how boundaries work. Therefore, sometimes we need to ask ourselves whether we're creating a boundary to protect our well-being or using distance to avoid emotional discomfort. Okay. Now I want to be clear that not every relationship is safe or appropriate to repair. Always remember that. If there is abuse, intimidation, coercion, or repeated harmful behavior, creating distance may actually be necessary and healthy for you. Nobody owes someone continued access simply because that person wants another conversation. So I'm talking about that ex that's just like, okay, well, can we just talk one more time after they have maybe psychologically, emotionally, or even physically sexually abused you? No, that's not what I'm saying. That person does not deserve another moment of your time. But in relationships where both people are willing and able to communicate respectfully, conflict doesn't automatically have to mean the end. And so I want you to kind of be able to understand those differences, And this is one of the things that I appreciate appreciate about DBT. And it is the focus on interpersonal effectiveness. Remember, DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy, holding two things true at once. This encourages us to think about our goals in a relationship, the importance of the relationship itself and maintaining self-respect. Sometimes the question isn't just how do I win this argument? It is how do I communicate what I need while also respecting the other person. This takes a lot of practice. Because everybody wants healthy communication until it's time to have an uncomfortable conversation, And baby. Majority of that time that conversation is gonna be uncomfortable. So we gotta buckle in, settle it down, and get ready. Now, let's talk about the other side because I don't want this entire conversation to focus on the person who's choosing to create the distance. What happens when you're the person who feels that somebody outgrew you? Maybe you had a friend you talked to every single day, you shared personal experiences, supported each other through difficult times, celebrated milestones together, and genuinely believed that that person will always be a part of your life. And then things started to change. Conversations became shorter, the invitations became less frequent. you started noticing that you were the one reaching out more often and eventually you realize the friendship isn't what it used to be. So that can hurt a lot. And I think sometimes we minimize that pain because it's not a romantic breakup, right? But friendship loss can involve genuine grief. You're not just missing the person. Sometimes you're missing the routine, the familiarity, the memories, and the version of your life where that relationship felt secure. and when you don't have a clear explanation for why things change, it can leave you questioning yourself. Was I not a good enough friend? Did I do something wrong to that person? Was that friendship actually genuine or real? Those questions can be painful to ask yourself. But I wanna offer Another possibility. Sometimes someone becoming less available doesn't mean that you're less valuable. Sometimes another person's changing priorities aren't a statement about your worth. And sometimes a relationship changing doesn't mean the connection was fake. Okay. Now that doesn't mean you have to pretend you're okay with how someone treated you. If someone repeatedly ignored you, dismissed your feelings, or ended a relationship in a hurtful way, you're allowed to acknowledge those things. But you can recognize the pain without automatically turning the other person into a villain. And I think that's something important about allowing ourselves to grieve relationships without feeling like we have to hate that person in order to move forward. You can always miss a person. You also can appreciate what that friendship meant and what it brought to you. And yeah, you can wish that things turned out differently and you can still accept the fact that the relationship may not return to the way that it once was. Okay, now here's something else I want us to think about. What if every friendship doesn't have to look the same? Because sometimes we have this idea that a real relationship or friendship means talking every day, seeing each other constantly, knowing every detail about each other's lives and being available whenever someone needs us. And for some friendships, that level of closeness actually works. But for others it doesn't. Maybe you have a friend you only talk to once every couple months, but when you reconnect The love is still there and there's still mutual respect and it's like picking up where you left off, is what people love to say. And maybe you have a friend who's great for deep conversations but isn't someone you see frequently. Maybe you have a friend who's a part of your professional life, a friend you enjoy doing activities with, or a friend that you've known for years but don't share the same interests with anymore. These relationships can still all be meaningful, right? I think sometimes we place so much pressure on friendships to meet every need that we forget relationships can serve different purposes. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. And here's the key concept. Both people need to have expectations they can genuinely accept. Because if one person is comfortable talking twice a year and the other person needs regular communication to feel connected, that's something worth discussing. Neither person is automatically wrong, But they may have different relationship needs. And sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is acknowledge those differences instead of constantly disappointing each other. Maybe the friendship becomes less less frequent but remains meaningful. And I feel like I share this a lot with a lot of clients, especially when we're talking about needing to get support systems, like understanding that you are allowed to have that one friend you can confide in when personal things are happening. You can have that one friend where you go get a drink with or go rock climbing with. You can have that one friend where it's just surfle-level conversations. Like all of those things are completely fine. People are in your corner to provide different things for you. You don't need to depend on one person to do all of those things because it's not gonna be realistic. I mean, it's it's not realistic, honestly. That's why you need multiple people when it comes to your support system. And that is the same when I say support system, that is your friends, that's your family, that's your significant other. You need things, different things from different people, and that is okay. Now, before somebody listens to this episodes and says, so I'm just supposed to keep accepting people who never show up for me, negative ghostwriter, that is not what I am saying. Because relationships require effort. And while that effort doesn't always look exactly equal every single day, there should be some sense of mutual care over time. Sometimes one person is going through a difficult season and need more support. Sometimes other people is carrying more responsibility. Healthy relationships can make room for these changes, but if you're constantly the only person reaching out, initiating plans, checking in, apologizing, or trying to repair misunderstandings, it's reasonable to ask whether that relationship is meeting your actual needs. Understanding somebody's circumstances doesn't mean ignoring your own emotional experiences, okay? And I think that's where we need to balance things. We don't want to immediately label people as toxic because they're unavailable. But we also don't want to use empathy as a reason to accept a relationship that constantly leaves us feeling dismissed or unsupported. Sometimes we need a conversation, sometimes We need to adjust our expectations. And sometimes we need to recognize that the relationship isn't reciprocal in the way that it used to be. And be okay with that. That is okay. You can make that decision without attacking somebody's character. Or attacking your own character. You can say this relation this friendship or relationship isn't meeting my needs anymore without saying that person was never a real friend. Because those are two different statements. One describes your experience and the other one is a judgment about the person's entire character. And I think that it is important to distinguish those things. Okay, all. Now it's time for a little segment of don't quote me but. And actually, I have a few thoughts today with this. So my first one is gonna be: like I said earlier, don't quote me, but everybody you don't talk to anymore isn't toxic. Sometimes y'all just don't talk anymore. I know groundbreaking news, right? But seriously, sometimes we need to stop assigning negative intentions to every relationship that changes. Second, don't quote me, but protecting your peace. shouldn't require you to avoid every uncomfortable conversation. Because sometimes that conversation we're avoiding is exactly the conversation that would help us understand each other. Or help you understand what you do and don't need out of a relationship. Okay, third one, don't quote me, but you can miss somebody and still recognize that the relationship isn't what it used to be. You don't have to hate someone to accept distance. You don't have to pretend the friendship never mattered, and you don't have to force something to remain the same simply because it once meant a lot to you. Okay, here's my last one. And I don't want you to quote me on it, right? But sometimes a person you're calling difficult is simply asking you to show up in a different way. Now that doesn't mean every request is reasonable, but it does mean we should be willing to reflect before automatically deciding that somebody else's needs are the problem. And I think that's something all of us can work on, including myself. So before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a few questions to ask yourself. When you think about the relationships that have changed in your life, are you able to acknowledge both the good and the difficult parts? Have you ever assumed somebody's intentions without actually having a conversation with them? Have you ever called something growth when if you're being fair with yourself, it was actually avoidance? Have you ever stayed in a friendship because of how long you've known someone, even though the relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling for you? And have you ever been The person who needed to apologize, communicate better, or actually make more of an effort. I don't ask these questions to make anybody feel guilty, right? I ask that because relationships involve more than one perspective. And sometimes the most meaningful growth happens when we're willing to consider a perspective other than our own. That doesn't mean abandoning your own emotions or boundaries. It doesn't mean accepting mistreatment. Okay. It means recognizing that we can protect ourselves and still be accountable for how we treat other people. Okay, so thank you guys for joining me for another episode of Don't Quote Me. I'm excited to keep having these conversations, sharing experiences, and exploring more voices and exploring and bringing more voices into this space. if you have any questions, answers for those questions, comments, or concerns that you would like for me to read or read aloud on the podcast, please, email me at don't quote mepod at gmail.com. And as always, don't quote me. Until next time, guys.