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There’s a Spectrum to “Belonging” to a Group … and That’s OK! · Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

• 0:02
  Podcast Intro/Outro: All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship
• 0:58
  Alex Alexander: You know that feeling when you're in a group?
• 1:00
  Alex Alexander: Maybe it's your book club, your neighborhood, a friend group, the new curling club you joined, or that bird watching meetup that you've been a part of for a couple months now. And you're just wondering to yourself, like, at what point do I actually belong here? At what part am I a part of the group?
• 1:26
  Alex Alexander: Like, everyone's friendly enough, but you're just not quite sure, like, are you one of them? Are you on the end now? So that's what we're going to talk about today. What belonging in a group actually feels like versus what we in our brains have made up stories it should feel like.
• 1:44
  Alex Alexander: And what I'm about to talk about applies to friend groups, neighborhood book clubs, interest groups, community organizations, school, work, all these places. So we're going to get to the core of: how do you actually know when you belong in a group? In order to talk about that, I think we need to go back just a little bit, and we need to talk about what is belonging.
• 2:10
  Alex Alexander: Now, often I think we talk about belonging—some kind of generic words are thrown out, right?
• 2:20
  Alex Alexander: Like acceptance and inclusion, feeling seen and welcomed for who you are, safety and security, connection, identity, that this group or place helps define who you are. But my definition—because I don't like generic words—my definition is a feeling. So I want you to imagine that you are going to a holiday party you got invited to—let's say, a work holiday party. And you walk in, it's a big company. You work in a big company. You walk in and there's, let's say, 100 people in the foyer, and you're scanning the faces, and you're thinking to yourself, I feel like maybe I've seen these people in the hall, but I don't really know anybody. And as that's happening, you're probably thinking to yourself like, gosh, I didn't realize the company was this big. I never go to the other floors. You're a little panicked. You're a little on edge, right? You're wondering, like, oh gosh, should I just leave? You're maybe hyper vigilant, wondering if you needed to go back and sign in and check in. Is there a presentation tonight? People seem like they're standing around. Should you go at your seat? And then, as you're walking through the crowd, you notice, like in the far back right-hand corner, there is a group of six people standing there, talking in a circle. And you know them. You recognize them. Now, maybe they're not your closest co-workers. You can't seem to find them. Like, did they all decide not to come to the party tonight? But those people suddenly kind of give you a sigh of relief. You know that they are familiar faces. So you walk up, you say hello, you're chatting with them. They're telling you that you are, in fact, going to have to go into the auditorium. There's a quick annual report. Thank you situation that goes on, and you're finding out. You get a text message. You find out you might have to speak, you might have to say something for your department. And on one hand, you're kind of on edge because, gosh, there are so many people in here that you just don't feel like you know, but at least you do have this sense that if you fumbled your way through it, these six people would still be smiling at you and cheering for you. When you walk over to that group, you have some idea of what to start talking to them about, right? Because you know some facts about them. You know that you work in the same broader department. You can bring up that one project or that conference somebody attended. You have a little bit of ease. For me, belonging is a feeling. It is the feeling of walking in on edge versus walking in and having that body relaxation, sense of it is going to be okay. I can be myself. I can make a mistake. I can be accepted for who I am. I am comfortable coming to talk to these people, because I have some sense of what our common ground is. I don't have to pretend like I felt any which way, when I walked into this party, right? This group—you might be able to walk up to them and be vulnerable and be authentic and be like, gosh.
• 5:48
  Alex Alexander: One, this company keeps growing.
• 5:48
  Alex Alexander: And two, how do I not know anybody here? Like, do you guys know people here? Have I just been hidden in my office for months? Like, wow, I should really work on that, right? It's that feeling versus walking up to somebody you don't really know, you would maybe never admit that. You suddenly feel like you don't know anybody at this company, or you might, because you might be offering some vulnerability, but it may not be your first choice.
• 6:14
  0:06:14 Alex Alexander: Okay, so mine is that definition of the feeling, and what I want to point out here is that a lot of people, I think, think of belonging as kind of this marker or this black-and-white point, right? I belong or I don't belong. I think belonging is a spectrum, because you're standing in that room, and although maybe you're kind of panicked about your sense of belonging in the company, you do feel some sense of belonging in that group. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, and that matters, because the sense of belonging—if you're on edge all the time—can impact your mental health, your physical health, your motivation, and at the core of it, there's kind of this survival instinct. You know, I've been using an example of your company, but if we talk about your neighborhood, if you walk through your neighborhood and you don't recognize anybody, that's going to kind of put you on edge. You might think to yourself, gosh, if I was out riding my bike and I got hit by a car, would my neighbors even stop for me? Right at the core, this can very much be like a survival thing. So in today's episode, I want to kind of reframe how we think about belonging, because just like anything else, I believe that if we can start to see where we are on the spectrum of belonging—instead of being so focused on not belonging here—if we can be like, 'Well, I'm kind of starting to get a sense of belonging,' that is more likely for us to keep coming back and building more connections and increasing our sense of belonging. Now, often we think of belonging. It is kind of in this idea of a group, whether that's a friend group, a community group, a school, work—whatever it is in this group feeling. And on my Wheel of Connection, which you can hear more about in episode 100, formal communities are actually on the Wheel of Connection, because I think it's important to feel like there are places where we belong. So then that brings us back to: how do we find that? Okay, one of the biggest mistakes I see from people is that often, I think people believe that they need to belong in the group overall, and they're so focused on just
• 8:42
  looking at: I feel like when I go into that office party, I belong, versus looking at the individual relationships within the group. Now, this doesn't need to be some big ordeal. You don't need to sit down and do like an hour-long reflection exercise. This could just be when, between the time you have parked your car to the time you walk into the venue, doing a little bit of an inventory of the individual relationships you have in a group. At a company party, that's going to be hard where there's hundreds of people. So let's switch this to a book club. You're going to book club and you're not really sure if you belong. You still kind of feel like the outsider when you go. Let's say there are six other people in the book club, and one of those people invited you. It's somebody you're actually pretty close with. So that person might be a present friend or a defined friend. Now, the other people in the group, they might all be acquaintances. Maybe they're familiar friends. And when we take a step back and we kind of
• 9:44
  accept, like: Okay, I have one present friend in this group, and I have five acquaintances, it suddenly can become pretty clear why; maybe you don't feel a super strong sense of belonging because you don't know a bunch of the individuals in this group. Now, I'm not saying that you expect that all six people in order for you to belong are as close to you as that one present friend—you may never get there. I've talked about this in other episodes. If you go back and listen to episode 14 in the archives, when you think of any group, you should be thinking about the individual relationships in the group. If you want to feel closer and more connected, look at the individual relationships.
• 10:28
  accept, like: So that might mean that maybe over time, you end up with that one present friend, let's say two defined friends, and three familiar friends in that group, and now, once we kind of accepted that that is the level of closeness we have, it's a lot easier to look at the group and see all the ways you are connected and appreciate that you are connected with those familiar friends on a level that makes sense for a familiar friend, right? They're not your closest people. They're not the people you're going to call in the middle of the night, but they do show up for you in a way that makes sense for somebody you really just see at book club, right? You walk in, they're genuinely excited to see you. They ask you questions.
• 11:14
  accept, like: They remember details from last time, they seem interested in maybe a work update you put out there. They may not ask you deeper questions about it, but overall, they're like, 'Wow, you should be so proud of yourself,' right? That's a totally different reaction than you expect from your present friend.
• 11:32
  accept, like: You expect them to be over the top, and you expect them to be like, 'Wait, tell me exactly how the conversation went with your boss. What does this mean for your work travel? Are you excited about it? Are you nervous? How many people are you managing?' And when we can understand that people are showing up kind of in the ways that make sense for how close you are, suddenly it's a lot easier to feel like you belong because people are showing up in the ways that are appropriate with how connected you are. Now, the other thing I want to point out, another big mistake we have, is that we assume that feeling—the sense of
• 12:10
  belonging—is linear: that the more you invest in the group, the more you will feel like you belong there. And I want to give you a made up story example that I came up with for this episode.
• 12:23
  belonging—is linear: I have talked to you before about kind of this friend group that I have that has—gosh, I don't even know—20 plus people in it. There are a variety of levels of connection. Like, if I made a web map, we would have everything from familiar friends to very close friends, to present friends, all within this map, if I made every single person's individual connections.
• 12:47
  belonging—is linear: Okay, now, when I go and hang out with them—let's say that my friends threw me a birthday picnic. And this is not a true story, because my birthday is in June and this episode is in October. But let's say they threw me a birthday picnic, and I left that picnic feeling so supported, so connected, like I belong, like they all see and accept me and love me. They brought, you know, my favorite foods and played my favorite songs and threw a picnic because they know I love a birthday picnic. I just left feeling so connected. By the way, if you want another example of that, you can go listen to Episode 37 about how I kind of nurture that feeling within myself. Now, let's say that a couple weeks later, I'm hanging out with my friends, and we are sitting around talking, and they are all just so deep in talking about parenthood. They're talking about the feeding products they bought their kids. They're talking about how hard it is to get into daycares. They're talking about afterschool programs, late night wake ups, sleep training. They're talking about all these things. And I'm just kind of sitting there because, at the moment, I don't have any kids, so I might make it through this conversation. At the end, I might be like, 'Wow, do I belong here? Have all my friends kind of moved on, and they have this new connection point that I don't have?' And in a two week span, I might have gone from, 'Oh my gosh, I am so connected,' to wondering if I still fit in here. And it really can go up and down and up and down. So the point of all this is, one, I think that you should go and look at the Wheel of Connection. Listen to episode 100.
• 14:37
  belonging—is linear: Start to understand how close you feel with each of these people in a group and where they fit on your Wheel of Connection and really accepting where somebody falls. We should stop comparing every interaction we have with people in the group to the person we are closest with, because if we expect every person to be a present friend, that's going to lead to disappointment really quick. And finally, I feel like we should really just understand that it's like a sigh of relief to accept where we all are in the group.
• 15:09
  belonging—is linear: Another big mistake. I just summarized this, but I've got to give you one more. Okay. Another big mistake is, I think, that sometimes when we're looking at this kind of spectrum of belonging, people compare groups they are in. So if you are a member of a bird watching group, and you feel like, really quickly, you felt like you belonged there, and then you compare that to the book club your friend invited you to where, yes, it's about a book, but really they all just sit around talking about their lives, and it's more of just like a friend group hangout—like, that's the excuse—and you are really struggling to feel like you belong there, and you're mad because you're like, 'Why do I feel like I belong in the bird watching group? But I can't feel like I belong in this friend hangout?' Then I want to remind you that the sense of belonging moves at different rates. Right?
• 16:06
  belonging—is linear: When you go to the bird watching group, you all have this niche interest, so it's very easy to find connection points, to engage in conversation, to listen—to make small talk, because you have a subject that everyone came there to talk about. You know what people want to talk about. It's easy to find common ground. It's easy to be yourself, because this is, in fact, a place where you can be the nerdiest about your obsession with a certain type of bird. Now, on the flip side, when you go to this like random friend hangout, book club night, and you realize that nobody there is actually talking about the book, and they're all just talking about their lives, you might feel like it's way harder to feel a sense of belonging there. That's because you really have to dig in and figure out, like, what are our common interests? What are the things that we enjoy? What overlap do we have? You're trying to be your authentic self and talk about your love of bird watching, and people just like, don't seem interested, and suddenly you're like, 'Gosh, maybe I don't belong here.' So it's not that you don't necessarily belong, it's that it's going to take more work to dig in and find the ways in which you do belong and develop that sense of belonging over time. So now I want to talk about what I'm calling the four signs of belonging, because oftentimes what I hear is kind of these really vague phrases like foster relationships, practice acceptance, find common ground, and be authentic. Okay, cool. What does that look like in practice? When you go to that book club and you are trying to connect with these people and find a sense of belonging, what are we doing? So the first one is to give and receive genuine interest. Now, with the caveat that giving and receiving genuine interest should be appropriate to your connection level for each person in the group, because when your present friend freaks out about your new job promotion, and your familiar friends are asking more basic questions, or maybe they aren't even really asking questions—they're just like,'Wow, you should be so proud, congrats.' And then they kind of move on. That can be hard, because you want every person to show the same genuine level of excitement, but if we understand where each person is, that makes it easier. I think there's another problem that happens where, when we go to a new group—let's say you walk in and everyone is so nice to you. In the beginning, they're asking you all sorts of questions. They seem genuinely interested in trying to want to get to know you. Okay, at a certain point, it probably shifts. And what happens is suddenly, these people who see each other every week have things they have been waiting to talk to each other about. They want to talk about that trip they were planning together. They want to update them on the story they told from last week about their neighbor cutting down the tree. They have things they have been wanting to share because they already have that sense of belonging. And I think what can happen is this new person can feel this panic moment of like, 'Wait, everyone just showed me genuine interest, and now nobody is showing me interest,' and it really has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the fact that these people come together all the time because they genuinely feel like they belong there, and they want to let their guard down.
• 19:47
  belonging—is linear: Then they want to share with each other, and they want to converse, and they want to have engaging conversations and learn about each other. It doesn't have much to do with you, but what it is a great time to do is really, if you want to belong in this group, it's a great time to listen. It's a great time to learn, like, maybe you find somebody else has a love of movies, right? By listening, you might find the places where you can deepen your connections with certain people in this group. xx The next sign of belonging is mutual acceptance, and this one, as always, kind of lives on a spectrum, right? Overall, you accept and approve of these people, even with their flaws.
• 21:38
  belonging—is linear: But as you're engaging with people, right, you might start to notice that some of these familiar friends, like, they are kind of rubbing you the wrong way in certain interactions. And I'm not saying that you don't speak up for yourself or for someone else, but I'm just here to remind you that, like, mutual acceptance isn't 100%—you align with all these people. When you are in a group, there are bound to be differences. There are bound to be things that rub you the wrong way. My question here isn't, are they the absolute, like, perfect dream people you drew up to be in a group? My question is, can you baseline accept who they are? And at the beginning, when you're trying to decide if you can accept who they are, we often go in actually thinking like, well, will they accept me, right?
• 22:29
  belonging—is linear: You're also allowed to see if you accept them. So instead of trying really, really hard when you first meet people to be kind of this, like, ideal person they'd want to add to the group, my suggestion for you—my, like, very tangible takeaway—would be to actually just be very curious about everyone else. Do they pass your vibe check? Ask them so many questions, because people love to talk about themselves. People love to feel like they shared about themselves. So when you go in and you're a newbie to a group, be really curious. Not only like, do I fit into this group?
• 23:08
  belonging—is linear: Do I have common interests? But also because it takes the pressure off of you to feel like you need to perform in any way.
• 23:16
  belonging—is linear: And because, when you walk away, and naturally, people love to talk about themselves, everybody's going to say, 'Wow, she was so nice. He was so nice.
• 23:24
  belonging—is linear: They really wanted to hear about my trip to Italy.' The next sign of belonging is overall feeling supported and valued by the group, and people are like, okay, well, if we don't have the same interests, how does this work? When you're starting to talk to someone and they make it clear that they aren't interested in bird watching, does that mean you don't belong there? And here's what I would
• 23:52
  say for you: it's okay for people to say they are not interested. It's okay for people to not want to learn more, but if somebody didn't accept you, that would look like somebody being mean or mocking or teasing you—like when it switches from neutral to attacking. That's where I feel like you can
• 24:11
  distinguish: okay, this is not a space where I am valued and supported. I do not want to be here. The next sign of belonging is feeling comfortable and relaxed. And I'm going to really go deeper into this in my next section, because I think that there's actually a way to kind of test this, to tiptoe your way into any group, and the way you test that is by bringing small intimacy. So what would that look like? That would look like you going to this gathering with some idea of something you are going to share. So let's say you're going to that book club.
• 24:48
  distinguish: It's maybe the fourth time you've gone, you're still trying to get a feel, like, do you really want to be in this group?ou know, you're getting a mixed vibe. You're not sure, and maybe you're on edge a little bit. You're just like, I don't know how these people are going to react to some of the ways that I am unique or different.
• 25:07
  distinguish: Okay, I want you to pick some small ways to show up and kind of offer vulnerability. I have an entire episode on this—it's episode 74—about this concept of small intimacy, but this is really your testing ground. This
• 25:23
  is like where you see: do I want to keep investing more energy here? Can I develop a deeper sense of belonging? And this doesn't need to be like you're going in telling yourself,'Tonight, when we sit around not discussing the book, I'm going to share my biggest life regret.' No, that's a big intimacy. We're not doing that.
• 25:42
  is like where you see: You're going to do something like suggest the next restaurant that this book club meets at.
• 25:50
  is like where you see: Why is that a small intimacy?
• 25:50
  is like where you see: Because people may not like it, because people may be like, 'Oh, I actually don't really love that restaurant,' right? They might judge you for the fact that it's your favorite restaurant. Or they might be curious. They might be into it.
• 26:06
  is like where you see: They might be interested in it.
• 26:10
  is like where you see: Maybe it's you bringing a recipe you cooked. Now, if you're a phenomenal cook, this may not be a small intimacy, but if you're, like, really not the greatest cook, this is kind of a small intimacy. How do people react?
• 26:22
  is like where you see: Do they tell you it tastes terrible and maybe you shouldn't cook? Or do they tell you, like,'Hey, thanks for bringing this.
• 26:30
  is like where you see: I've never tried this before,' right? Are they genuinely, like, supportive, neutral, or are they putting you down? So my suggestion would be to start small and test this out. If you go to that episode 74, I have so many examples of small intimacies that you can bring[fixed]. But maybe pick one, pick a thing that you are going to bring. It could be sharing a win from your week. Maybe it's not as big as a promotion. It's just that you got yourself into this workshop that it's really hard to get into. How do people receive that? How do they treat you? Does it make sense with their level of connection to you? Can you start to see that people are holding space for you and listening and are authentically happy for you?
• 27:17
  is like where you see: Because if you can notice that, you can start to sense, right?
• 27:21
  is like where you see: You can start to build the sense of belonging in that space. It's very in your body. It is very easy to tell if it's just that somebody isn't interested or if they don't accept you. And if you can read that difference and start to really hone in on that, when you're offering up these small intimacies, it can just be like these little dominoes you're stacking closer and closer to this deeper sense of belonging. Now, to close this episode, I just want to kind of like level-set expectations here, even a little further, which is a reminder that the timeline is going to be different. There are so many factors here. Is it an interest group? Is it just somewhere where you're going with no background on these people?
• 28:08
  is like where you see: That's going to be a factor. Do you have a bunch of present friends in that group, and maybe just a couple familiar friends?
• 28:16
  is like where you see: That's probably going to accelerate your sense of belonging. How much are you offering to the group? Are you actively engaging, or are you waiting for everybody to ask you questions? Are you offering some small intimacy to kind of test the waters, or are you holding back on all of it and just waiting for anybody to ask you to contribute? Are you panicking at the first sign that there is kind of a wave in that spectrum of belonging that you have with any group, no matter how far you are, whether it's a group where you truly, really feel like you belong, or group where you're just starting to? I think, at the end of the day, it is okay to belong at whatever level feels natural for you. In a group, there's no peak amount.
• 29:04
  is like where you see: Maybe there are some groups where you're okay kind of like not feeling like you are fully part of the group, because maybe there are parts of it that actually just don't interest you, but there are other parts you really love, or there are people there you really love, or you do get this sense of identity from that group, just like so many other things in friendship. It is whatever feels right to you, and with that, I'll see you next week.
• 29:34
  Podcast Intro/Outro: Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.