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Transcript

I Think I’ve Been Stuck in Survival Mode · Ok But Are You Good?

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Corinne and this is Okay But Are You Good?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where we check in ourselves on a weekly basis to see how we're doing.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Are we living our best lives or are we just trying to get by?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have to be honest.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I have not been living my best life.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've just been in survival mode.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mentally and emotionally, I'm just like not where I want to be.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Physically, I'm good.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I finally was able to go on a run for the first time in three months.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: So yay! But my mental health just has like not been where it should be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been hard to navigate because I've I have everything going for me, but I've just been in such a funk and I can't shake my overthinking and my anxiety.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: It takes over my life, and I'm kind of litting it, and I don't want it to continue like this.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm working on it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the signs like I've noticed is like I don't really reach out to people as much anymore.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I isolate myself.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not like, I don't feel genuine.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I I like was just with a bunch of people, I still like I feel off.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: But like I can still have fun, you know?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: But I realize like I am trapped in my own thoughts.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Mentally, I'm distracted and I'm just not present and I'm not connected to everything around me.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a disconnect and I feel it.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's as noticeable when you're around me, but like I feel off and I want to get off this ride.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want to get back on a fun little like roller coaster.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not this one, I've been riding lately.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think too, like, there's like a delayed reaction to the horrible year I went through last year, and then obviously life life.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: So there's stuff that comes up, and then you like your mind, like it's hard to like push through.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how people are sunshine and rainbows all day, every day.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: But that's that's how I'm trying to get to like a good point where it is sunshine, maybe not no rainbows.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't have anxiety or you don't have my type of anxiety, like it's hard to understand.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to understand that like you overthink everything you do, and like you're like, the world is out to get me.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it can just make everything feel so real, even though like it's not.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I've realized, like, maybe social interactions, for example, like aren't how they really are.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not like I think there's truth to like your feelings, your truth, like that's real.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: But what if it's not real and how you're remembering it?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And like, what are you supposed to do with that?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's such a mind game.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you think like the interaction was bad or awkward, but in reality, like it was fine and no one's thinking about it.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And with my anxiety, it convinces me that like I said the wrong thing.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: People don't like me, even though they say they do, or I'm doing everything wrong, and the people I'm around are secretly judging me.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the worst thought lately has been like, my friends don't actually want me around.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I have been feeling lonely.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, do these people actually are they, do they really want to be friends with me, or is it just a convenience?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I realize just because you've known people for so long doesn't mean you actually need to continue to stay friends.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like that for people in my life, but I have that fear that people feel that about me.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm just in their life because it's a convenience.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But there's no like proof.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's that's the thing about anxiety, is like these are just thoughts you've made up.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's like a, I can't think of the right word right now, but there's a thing where it's like, okay, write out what happened, write out the results, and like, is this true?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did this actually happen, or did your brain convince you it did?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, little thing to like snap you back in the reality of like the moment, like, okay, like this isn't actually bad.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You just convince yourself it was.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: But anxiety does not care about logic, it cares about you spiraling.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And my brain loves to spiral and always has.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, according to my my friend that's known me since we were five, that I've always been a warrior.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And these spiraling thoughts are so hard to turn off.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I do make attempts of like doing things to distract myself and like have a packed schedule and like little things, but those after a certain time, those just like haven't worked.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I'm gonna be able to be calm and work through this.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I just have to, I have to navigate it.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is my reality, this is my brain, and this is this is just something I have to work on.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And being a overthinker, it's actually so lonely.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because from the outside, if you're someone I'm not checking in with, like, oh, was that okay?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, am I good?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say the wrong thing?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then you most likely think everything's normal, but internally, like, I'm freaking out, babe.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is nonstop, and like it's so funny because for me, it's so easy to like calm someone else down in my life that has anxiety.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, don't worry, you're good.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I provide that reassurance.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I always try to at least, but I like I can't do it to myself.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how lame is that?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell myself, like, you're good, girl.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't worry about it.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or, yeah, maybe you were awkward in that situation, but like they don't care, or like maybe they just won't talk to you again.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the worst case scenario?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm constantly asking for reassurance, like if I'm okay.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the number one person in my life I do that with is my husband.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it's like, do you think they're upset with me?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Did I say anything wrong?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Was that bad?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: It always leads to that what you're saying or what you're doing is bad.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's in like a very normal situation, like just simple interacting with like ordering food or whatever.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, like I'm like, oh, did I say thank you?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my gosh.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, uh, and it's so exhausting.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's so exhausting constantly to think that you're like in the wrong and you have to ask for reassurance.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And like, I don't know if this is like a self-esteem confidence thing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't think it's related.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, maybe if I was so confident, I wouldn't care if what I'm saying is bad or not.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I just would know it's good.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, maybe it is related.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: But anxiety and overthinking, you can make small situations big when they don't need to be.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I am self-aware, but I'm also not.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what spooked me lately is like I'm misremembering situations or second guessing them.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's like, okay, this reaction, like they're all laughing at you, but that's because you made a joke, but you just forgot the timeline of when the joke happened.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you thought it was like not related.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you thought everyone was making fun of you, but it's it's like I'm distorting reality, like I'm punishing myself.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like one of my very first episodes was like, I am my worst enemy.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that is so true for me, especially.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: I and for other people too, you are setting yourself back if you're not pushing yourself to exist to succeed.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And and I can see that in myself.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am holding myself back.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: My brain is holding myself back because I'm such an overthinker, anxious person.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I do have my good days, but lately they've been few and far between.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it it almost feels like a setback because I've been working so hard, but I think life has just been hard lately.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not using that as an excuse, it's just the truth.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I always say, like, nobody cares.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you just gotta get up and take care of your responsibilities and like work through this.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm always gonna be a warrior and try and work through my life because I don't wanna be someone, I don't want to be holding myself back.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, it's not an overnight thing.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is, I think, like I've just been so up and down and like trying to work through it so hard.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: But like, you know, I'm like, okay, maybe we need to switch up the tactics because I don't know if what I've been trying to help myself with is like really helping my anxiety.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying to read books about anxiety, listening to podcasts, stick to my routine, provide distractions, but almost doing so much focusing on your anxiety causes anxiety or just like makes it worse.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need to find something that like actually relates to it because everyone has their own different anxiety, and it's like interesting.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, uh, one of my friends has anxiety, but it's like polar opposite.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, that doesn't bug me.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: But like what bugs me doesn't bug them.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like interesting how that works.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been someone who's always been comfortable in the negativity.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I feel like I've been viewed as a negative person.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: But when you've just gone through so much through your life, like it's hard to be positive, but I I want to be more positive.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to live on this negativity island.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be on positive islands, like a good balance of the two of like be sad in the sad moments, but very happy in the happy moments, and like just chill.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I try to remind myself, like, okay, you've gotten through this, babe.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're gonna get through it again.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let your mind take over.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sit in it, be sad, and get out of it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can do this, and I know I'm gonna be good.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I promise myself, like, this year is about me because last year was so awful.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And lots of life lessons.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a little disappointing.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a little bit like harder to navigate than I thought it would be.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it'd be smooth sailing, but that's not reality, is it?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things come up always.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you forget that when things are smooth, and then boom, like something happens.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh yeah, like this sucks.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm definitely realizing like physically, mentally, I've had some like delayed responses.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like my body, especially, really holds on to like stress and trauma, and it's like delayed, and I'm like always a stress ball.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I really need to cool it.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I just think I've always just kind of been on survival mode, man.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard to like not be when you're like your body's so used to that.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and it really does help talking about it.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I try when I'm in my anxious like mode of like, of like there's just this like dark cloud, and like everything's doomed.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I like I write it out because I'm like, okay, like when you write it out or like vent about it, like you're like, okay, this isn't so bad.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: When you hear your own thoughts, like talking out loud is best for me, but you know, if you're in the middle of the workday, you might not be able to just start talking about all your negativity and like they're gonna look at you a little funny.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I write in my notes app of like, okay, these are all my thoughts.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Be sad, be whatever.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then, like, and then I feel like relieved, you know?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I do go to therapy, but there's I think like you have to do the work yourself and like work through it in other ways.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I've been trying to listen to podcasts and read books, exercise, routine, all that good stuff.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I, this is just a daily thing I'm gonna have to work through and really push myself out of when I am in not a great space.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been feeling anxious, like you're not alone, I got you.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna work through this because you need to remind yourself, and this is also for me.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're feeling stuck, this isn't forever, this is temporary, even if it's longer than you would like it to be.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you've convinced yourself the thoughts and feelings you have are real doesn't mean they actually are.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You might be misremembering things, and you know, you need to just take a step back and like think like, did this actually happen, or did my brain convince me this is the reality of the situation?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And growth takes time.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Life isn't just a line, it's it's all over the place.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm just constantly doing this.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I say I'm on a roller coaster because I never know what I'm gonna get through in the day or what's gonna come up.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm definitely navigating how to feel safe outside of survival mode.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this ain't this ain't Jumanji, man.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this is just everyday life, everyday things that come up, and we're all going through it in some ways more than others.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: We all got responsibilities.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So don't worry if you've been exhausted mentally, if your anxiety has been taking over your life like how it has been mine.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: You are not alone, and we're gonna get through this.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you so much for listening in.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget to like them, subscribe, and I'll see you all next week.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself okay, but are you good?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: All right, bye, y'all.