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Mojo Monday - Could you not complain for a day? with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hey everyone, Carly Taylor here, welcome back to another Mojo Monday.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Here's a question for you. How much have you complained today?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: It's really easy to fall into this trap of living
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: a complaint based life. And I even know people who,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: even when everything is going well, they'll find something to
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: complain about. And then there are those people who are
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the complete opposite and they don't like complaining about anything.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: It's like you ask them how they are, and they're like,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: everything's great and life's wonderful and amazing. And sometimes this
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: can actually lead to toxic positivity, and there's so much
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: pressure to always be happy and always to be positive,
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: which is not realistic because it's not the way life goes.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: But going back to the complaining, it's really easy to
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: default into venting about our problems, which is often about
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: venting about other people. And we often also then about
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: stuff or complain about stuff that is so big that
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: we have no control over it. And the question to
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: ask is what is the outcome you are wanting by complaining?
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: So let's first look at why we complain, and it's
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: usually to then tell frustration, or maybe it's to elicit
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: sympathy or get attention. Or maybe it's to get a
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: feeling of solidarity with the person that you're complaining with.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: And this can be a very self focused thing to do,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: and often that focuses around being a victim, even though
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: we don't even realize that that's what we're doing. And
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: what happens is we're putting all our attention on the problem,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: and we know that what we pay attention to, our
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: brains commit selves to. So it makes sense that complaining
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: can lead to feeling in a lower mood. It can
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: decrease our optimism, it can increase our negative emotion, and
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: if the complaining is about like political issues or world affairs,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: it can leave us really believing that the world is
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: an unjust place and that there is no hope. So
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: the question is do you do that? So think about
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: the week that's just gone by. How much complaining have
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: you done or how much complaining have you been the
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: recipient of, and how did either of those affect you?
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: So did it make things better? Did it make things worse?
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Or are you kind of indifferent about it? Because staying
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: in this space of complaining, what it often does is
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: it keeps us stuck in this negative void where we're
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: focusing on what's wrong or what's going or what's been wrong,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: in stead of finding solutions to the problem, if there
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: are any solutions. And this is really important to practice
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: this skill of self awareness, because when we're not aware
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: of the impact of our own choices and behaviors as
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: perhaps having negative consequences to our own wellbeing and to others,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: we can fall into being impulsive and reactive rather than
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: being considered and responsive in what we say, what we do,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: and especially how we respond to our own negative thinking
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: or our own emotions. So you can feel how you feel,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: you can think the thoughts, but you have a choice
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: whether or not you express those thoughts and feelings. If
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: you feel it's helpful, or if the complaining is then
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: followed up with a solution, then you choose to complain
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: and then work through it. You can choose your tone
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: of voice, you can choose how you treat others. You
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: are responsible for what you say and what you do.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: So I'll give you an example which might seem a
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: bit trivial, but a lot of our complaints are trivial. Recently,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: my house has been in a complete mess, so Paul
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: and I both went from home. Everyone's you know, everyone's
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: in the house using the kitchen. It's like I just
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: can't keep on top of the mess. He's been recovering
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: from surgery. Oscar wasn't well, so he was at home
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: from school, and my daughter left the UNI and she
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: just left a trail of destruction in her wake. And
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: so I had to dig deep. If I reacted to
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: my impulses here to complain or maybe yell, or to have,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: you know, like an annoyed or perhaps angry tone in
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: my voice, I choose that reaction based on my emotion,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: so I have to take full responsibility for that. I'm
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: very aware of my emotional reactions, so I'm very aware
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: of what's going on in my body, what's going on
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: on my mind. And this has been developed through years
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: of training. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: but in this example, I could get into solution mode.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: So what I did is I did a reality check.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: So the house is a mess. So what I did
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: is I popped the emotion aside, so it just sat
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: next to me and was just there. I wasn't getting
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: rid of it, I wasn't denying it. I wasn't trying
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: to change it. I just popped it aside so it
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: didn't engulf me, and I looked at the reality of
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the situation through more pragmatic eyes. The house is a mess,
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: so this is an easy example because there's a solution.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: Of course, I chatted with a family asked them to
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: pitch in more tidied up, and I also accepted that
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: my else is very lived in and that constantly cleaning
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: up is not a priority for me because I do
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: put other things in front of that. So I'm trying
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: to look at my messy house from a different perspective.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: So this week I invite you to work on your
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: self awareness around complaining. Are you living a complaint based
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: life at the moment, notice your urge to complain. It's
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: like the complaining urge wave that you may need to surf.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: So you know, the wave goes up and up and
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: up and up, and then it tapers down so you
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: can ride it, ride the complaints based urge wave without
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: getting swept up in it. So what is the reality
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: of the situation that you were complaining about? If you
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: were to just pop your emotions to the side just
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: for a moment and look at the situation through the
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: lens of reality, is there a solution, are you willing
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: to work towards that solution, or is there nothing that
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: you can do about it? So then you take the
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: responsibility as to whether you complain or not. Make that
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: choice based on something that is more than just venting.
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Be solution focused. Otherwise, don't complain because there's a whole
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: lot of other stuff you could be doing in your
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: life than complaining about something that has no outcome. And
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: here's a challenge for you. Choose a day this week
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: and make it a complaint free day. So this is
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: a real challenge for me. I've done this before, and
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I'm sure it's going to be a challenge for you
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: as well. Because if you set that intention today, I
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Am not going to complain about anything. You're going to
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: notice that urge to playing. You're going to ride that
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: complaints wave and you're going to let it, tape it
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: down and put your attention onto something else. So good
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: luck with that. I hope you have a great week
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: and I will catch you next week. See ya.