Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Benefits Of Perimenopause and Menopause

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Benefits Of Perimenopause and Menopause · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today I'm going to be talking about the benefits of
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  perimenopause and menopause and how many women do think about
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  these as normal, natural, positive life stages?
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  If you are a man and you're very upset about this, as many
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  preoccupied attachment men are, then this may help you
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  understand more of what your wife is thinking and feeling.
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  And that's of course always my goal is to help you guys
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  empathize with your spouses so or your kids or just man on the
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  street or like literally anything.
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  Because the more that you empathize and understand
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  people's perspective, the easier your life gets right?
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  Because it doesn't always feel like people are doing things to
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  you and because of you seems more like people are just living
• 0:51
  their lives. So to that end and 1st of
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  course, please subscribe. I have 140 subscriber episodes
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  and they're all awesome. Or at least most of them are.
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  I hope Anyway, So here's the thing.
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  So puberty. I had a podcast about.
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  Puberty and menopause are both natural life stages.
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  People generally think of puberty as positive, and in the
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  popular media, menopause is considered negative 'cause we
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  are terrified of aging out of death in our culture, which
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  makes sense. People have gotten less
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  religious. There's fewer people who believe
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  in an afterlife. So death is scary.
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  It's it's it's something people grapple with in therapy, their
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  own mortality just not being there anymore.
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  Even if you do believe in an afterlife, it's still not
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  comfortable to think that you yourself will not be there and
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  that you know, you can never go. You can't go home again, You
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  know you can't recapture earlier stages of development, even if
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  you liked them right? No free lunch, et cetera, et
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  cetera. So a lot of guys assume that
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  menopause is just terrible and that it's a source of grief and
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  it needs to be a source of grief because the woman doesn't want
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  sex anymore as much. And of course, there are plenty
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  of St. DS in the nursing homes.
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  And people can still have sex and they can be excited about
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  each other and they can be newly in love.
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  And even monogamous people can still have, you know, good sex
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  lives. There's, you know, could have
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  sex once a week, twice a week even.
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  You know, I've talked about Viagra, I've talked about
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  estrogen cream. There's like a lot of things
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  people could try. If the woman is not going to do
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  any hormones, and I have a podcast about why she may not
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  want to or may have been advised not to, then, you know, usually
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  there's vaginal atrophy. So her vagina hurts.
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  But within the context of a loving relationship, she may do
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  other things. She may do hand jobs, she may do
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  blow jobs, she may do things like that.
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  Is it going to be constantly like if she was a younger woman?
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  Probably not, right? I mean just think about it.
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  She's not interested usually in anywhere near the same kind of
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  way she doesn't have orgasms as easily.
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  You know, she There are many women that used to have orgasms
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  from intercourse, and of course that's usually not from the
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  magic penis, but rather from external stimulation in the
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  position provided, such as the coital alignment technique or
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  what have you 'cause there's some, you know, guys who think
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  that some women just have vaginal orgasms and some women
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  have clitoral orgasms. A lot of that's been disproven.
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  They're all clitoral orgasms. You should, you should Google
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  what a clitoris really looks like.
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  You know, a diagram, the clitoris diagram, and you'll see
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  it's like a large organ, different than you think, and it
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  goes in lots of other places than you than you think it does
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  around her pelvic area. So intercourse stimulates it in
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  certain positions. So there's kind of usually
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  thought to be one kind of orgasm.
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  But anyway, point point being, and you know Freud used to say
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  the women with vaginal orgasms were real women and with
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  clitoral they were not real women.
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  This is why people don't really think Freud knew his that much
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  about women anymore. But anyway, point is, the point
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  is, the woman that used to have orgasms from intercourse may now
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  not. The woman that used to have
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  orgasms from oral sex may now not.
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  The only thing that may get her off is the vibrator.
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  And she may not care if she gets off or not.
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  And so so a guy would think, all right, well, she doesn't want
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  sex that much anymore. Isn't that just, like, literally
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  terrible? Like, you know, and and here's
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  the thing, why don't you think about, like, all the other
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  aspects of life, right, that that ruined your sex life before
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  this. So for example, kids, right?
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  Kids are going to fuck up your sex life.
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  You know that. You're not going to sleep
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  through the night. If you even have an older
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  brother or sister or a friend or anybody, you know that at the
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  very least you can't have sex for six weeks afterwards.
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  And nobody understands truly what it's like to have children,
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  obviously before they have children.
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  I'm the first to say that. But still, you know it's not
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  going to be awesome for your sex life if you even watch
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  television, right? But you had kids anyway.
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  Even though having multiple kids is the is.
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  That's worse than menopause. You know, you don't have time.
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  The kids are in the bed. She's breastfeeding.
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  She she's mad at you like you don't do enough.
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  You're trying to work and come home and parent.
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  I mean, come on. And then people who have one
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  baby go and have a couple more, even though they know their sex
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  life dropped off precipitously after kids, if they're like most
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  people, you know, but still you do it because sex is not the
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  entire reason you're alive, right?
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  I mean, it literally is. It made you.
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  But but the having sex at a regular clip is not the entire
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  reason that most people feel that they are on this planet.
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  Another one that guys can. It would be useful to think
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  about as an analogy. Is a job that your wife hates
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  that takes you away a lot so but you but that you find
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  fulfilling. So a job where you have to, you
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  know, be at work for a long time and you do not have the job like
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  a teacher or, you know, whatever her friends have as their
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  husbands have Because women whose husbands have long hour
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  jobs frequently say, why don't you have a different kind of a
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  job? Like, you know, my friend's
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  husband, like this guy, like that guy, you know, because they
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  want the guy around more. And if the guy was around more,
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  they would have more sex. Especially, I told you, women
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  don't like to have sex at night. So a lot of them like to have
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  sex in the afternoon within monogamy, with age, etcetera.
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  I know you used to have sex at night, but I'm talking about
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  later on in life when she's tired.
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  So the point is that you still have your job.
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  You know, I mean, you still want to pursue a career even though
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  that's not going to get you laid as much as you could.
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  If you got a different job where you work from home, you know,
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  and you were around more and you took more of the weight of the
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  kids. And this is especially true for
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  young couples where you really would get laid more because she
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  is a young healthy mammal and wants to have sex when you are
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  around, but if you're not around, she can't have sex with
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  you. But yet many guys pick their
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  career in that situation and they would find it absurd to say
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  to another man, no, I'm going to turn down that promotion because
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  I don't think I will get laid three times a week if I do.
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  I think it will be more like once or twice.
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  Guy would be like the fuck you know, like you know what?
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  What are you talking about? You know because there are
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  bigger things in a persons life than how many times you're going
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  to have sex in a week. And I understand sex is
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  important and I talk about that all the time, all the time, but
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  it isn't the be all and end all of the entire meaning of a
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  persons life. So when a woman gets to Perry
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  menopause and menopause, what then changes for her in a
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  positive way? One thing is she doesn't think
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  so much about sex and she doesn't think so much about her
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  animal body. You know, she's not nursing,
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  she's not pregnant, she's not cuddling little kids all the
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  time, getting up at night with them, et cetera, kind of the
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  all. And she doesn't care as much
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  about the husband, quite honestly, because her estrogen
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  has dropped. So she may love him, but she
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  doesn't, like, want to caretake in that same way as she always
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  did. She's usually not as anxious
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  about him. She's not as anxious about him
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  getting sick or missing his sleep.
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  Or, you know, she doesn't care as much about buying his clothes
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  and like all of these little caretaking sorts of things kind
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  of recedes. And she's like, well, he's a
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  grown up, I'm a grown up, you know, she frequently then
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  because she is not kind of feeling as bound by gender
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  roles. As estrogen goes down, she turns
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  more to career, she turns more to volunteering.
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  She's not thinking all the time about the damn relationship.
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  And for a lot of women this is such a blessing because more
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  women are preoccupied attachment than men.
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  And so that means that the classic insecurely attached
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  couple that is seen in therapy is, as I've said many times, the
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  avoidant man with the preoccupied attachment woman
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  only on the Internet. The men on the Internet on
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  relationship forums are preoccupied attachment.
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  But that's because that's who follows relationship advice and
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  forums, right? But in in the wild, most guys
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  don't. So if a woman has been the
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  preoccupied attachment partner and she's been reading all these
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  relationship books and she's trying to look pretty for him
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  and she's trying to do all these things to fix the marriage and
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  she's trying to, you know, figure out their love languages
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  and she's trying to feel close. It is a blessing not to think
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  about it the same way it really is because it's been a
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  tremendous source of anxiety for many women.
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  Being a Good Wife, being attractive, being, you know, the
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  right way, acting the right way, thinking the right way, making
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  the marriage good, all of this stuff.
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  It kind of feels to fade from significance in the same way for
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  many women, as per their report after menopause, they just don't
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  think about it the same. And that is why a lot of women
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  initiate divorce at that time. Because if the was unhappy and
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  they had been somebody who was always thinking about it and
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  worrying about it and trying to change it and trying to, you
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  know, be different and attractive and this and that's
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  that, He would like her. Finally.
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  She's like, oh fuck this, you know, I I mean, maybe I'll just
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  not care. And it's so much easier to do
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  when your hormones are not telling you to breed with this
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  man because you can't anymore. So your hormones are not telling
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  you anything. So therefore you're like, you
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  know what? He doesn't want to hang out.
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  Fuck him. You know me either.
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  And then you go and you do your own thing.
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  And so this doing your own thing, and many, many women at
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  this age, in the 40s especially, is when it starts, because
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  that's when perimenopause starts.
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  Have this, I don't give a fuck feeling.
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  And you've seen this all over social media.
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  It's super popular. Like, I don't have any fucks to
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  give. Like, I just don't give a fuck
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  anymore. And this is a real common way
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  for women to feel at this age. And it is hormonally mediated.
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  You know, when you're not obsessed with relationships the
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  way that you were since you were basically 12 years old and got
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  your period for the first time. And you're not obsessed with,
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  like, how you look. Because, you know what?
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  How you look isn't as wonderful as it used to be.
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  You know, like a lot of women have weight gain they can't do
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  much about because your hormones change, your body shape changes.
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  Even if you stay thin, the shape of your body changes.
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  Because remember, everything's along a spectrum.
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  Do you know any 90 year olds that still look like 30 year
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  olds? No.
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  So then a little bit further on that line, it's a 40 year old.
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  Most 40 year olds don't look like 30 year olds.
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  Most 50 year olds really don't look like 30 year olds more and
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  et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So you know, a lot of women make
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  peace with their body at this time.
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  So they say, you know what? I I'm not.
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  It's not going to be what I thought that it would be,
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  whatever my body or my looks or whatever, and who cares because
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  a whole drive. Remember if if hormonally, what
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  your hormones were doing, where they were making you want to
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  breed, want to mate, want to get a partner, when that phase of
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  your life ends, it can come as a wave of relief.
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  You don't care as much anymore. You just don't care as much.
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  You don't have to obsess. You don't think every bite that
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  you eat. Oh my God, is this going to make
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  me gain weight? Oh, I have to wear heels for
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  this. I have to look this way for
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  that. A lot of women stop dying their
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  hair, which is a massive time save, you know, I mean, men
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  usually do not realize to the extent to which women think
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  about their looks constantly and their weight and their their
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  hair and their skin and this and that and the other.
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  And when you don't feel as much like you care, that can be a
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  huge blessing. And frequently women think at
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  this age, why the hell did I care so much about all that shit
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  about my body? I wish I had those years, back
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  years that I was worrying what I looked like and why.
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  Imagine what I could have gotten done if I hadn't been so
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  obsessed with how I looked and the diet I was going to go on.
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  And you know that exercise I pushed myself to do all the damn
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  time, even though I didn't like it.
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  And now I'm just going to take walks for my health, you know,
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  and fuck it. I'm not going to do this or that
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  or these crazy things. I'm just going to go outside if
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  I want to. And so when women get to this
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  stage, if the man has not himself gotten to the stage.
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  And by the way, many, many men do many, many healthy men.
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  And the the difference is men who had a role model of a happy
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  older male in their life. So guys who had a father that
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  really enjoyed his 50s and his 60s and wasn't trying to cling
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  to youth but was saying, oh, I'm at a different stage now, oh,
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  now I'm at this different stage. Fathers that are able to pass
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  the torch to their son and say, oh, look, you're in your prime
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  of life. I'm older now, you know, and I
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  have a podcast When your father out Alpha is you.
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  That's about the opposite of this situation.
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  Guys that are clinging like you know guys like Logan and
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  Succession right? He he just can't deal with
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  getting older. He has to be the head Alpha all
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  the time. So, however, there are many guys
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  that have dads who were, like, thrilled to become a
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  grandfather, that weren't obsessed with themselves,
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  looking young and acting sexy and sexual, etcetera.
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  Yes, maybe the their dad was still having sex with their mom,
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  but it was not a primary motivating force, their career.
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  Possibly they started to volunteer more.
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  Maybe they were doing more things in the community.
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  Maybe they even, you know, ran for some board or some office or
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  the HOA or whatever. Their career started to recede a
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  little bit in their six or end, and then they did other sorts of
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  things and they were happy at the stage they were at.
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  If you have a role model like that, then it's easy for you to
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  be happy with the stage that you're at.
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  But if you have a dad that was like, you know, upgrading his
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  wife to a new younger one every couple years, then it can be
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  hard to think that, you know, guys would ever be OK with aging
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  and therefore that they should be OK with their wife aging.
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  Because guys who can't stand their wife aging, it's not about
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  the wife, it's about them. They don't like to feel old and
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  being coupled with a woman who stopped dyeing her hair, this
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  that the other makes them feel old and they don't like it, you
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  know, So it isn't about her and her going into a different stage
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  or whatever. They're not thinking about that.
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  They're just thinking, I don't want to be old and this makes me
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  feel old, you know, and and more narcissistic guys at this point
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  will upgrade, upgrade us in quotes to a younger woman,
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  frequently a woman that looks like a younger version of their
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  wife, which can be very strange for clients that I've had in
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  that situation which must be many dozens over the years.
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  It's a very common thing to happen because you know, guy has
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  a type, you know, and so he goes for a younger version of the
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  type. But the point is that when your
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  focus changes and you stop being so internally and sexually and
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  relationship focused as a woman, frequently you feel a lot
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  clearer, you know? And of course, there's a lot of
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  lack of focus and all of these things when you're actively
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  going through menopause, you know, And when you're closer to
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  it, there's hot flashes and you word finding problems and you
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  can't think about, you know, you can't think as clearly as you
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  used to. And there could be depression
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  and a lot of things, right? But after people get to the
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  other side of that, they frequently feel a huge sense of
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  clarity and some sort of mission for what they want to do with
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  the rest of their life. And having somebody who who says
• 16:03
  that you should not change your focus in that way is as though
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  your wife had said you cannot have a career or we cannot have
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  children because we just have to look in each other's eyes and be
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  romantic all the time. So we can't have kids, you know?
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  I mean, it's it's just people need a larger sense of mission
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  and purpose in their life that isn't just sex, and hormonal
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  changes can make these feel more salient.
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  In healthy relationships, partners accommodate change and
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  evolution in one another. And also in healthy
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  relationships, people do not completely cut off any sort of
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  physical affection, even if they're not as into it anymore.
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  But you certainly wouldn't be doing it as much or with the
• 16:43
  same verve because you can't fake it.
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  You know you can't fake acting like you're 25 when you're 55
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  and in a healthy marriage you should not have to and I hope
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  that you enjoyed this and and if you are somebody in
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  perimenopause or menopause and you're struggling with your
• 17:00
  relationship issues or any other issues, therapy can really help.
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  I have a lot of people on my team that can help with that.
• 17:05
  Hiring another one actually just hired another one.
• 17:09
  But anyway, always reach out to me.
• 17:12
  You can always e-mail me. It's samantha@doctorpsychmom.com
• 17:15
  for the direct the direct e-mail.
• 17:17
  All right. I'll talk to you all soon.
• 17:19
  Have a great, great day guys. Bye, bye.