Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / Episode 643: Narcissism vs Avoidant Attachment

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Episode 643: Narcissism vs Avoidant Attachment · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  Is your ex a narcissist? Does your ex have a dismissive,
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  avoidant attachment style? Is your ex a narcissist with a
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  dismissive, avoidant attachment style?
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  Well, you're about to find out. Hi, this is Lucia with The Art
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  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
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  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 0:21
  over your ex. And if you've been a good little
• 0:23
  soldier, then you've already downloaded my app Silencio to
• 0:26
  help you stay in No contact. The link is underneath every
• 0:29
  single video and podcast, and if you too would like to join our
• 0:32
  no contact army, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button
• 0:36
  and the Bell notification and you're in.
• 0:40
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 0:45
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
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  And of course, the link to that is also underneath every video
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  and podcast. So it can be confusing when
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  trying to figure out if someone is a narcissist or whether they
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  are a dismissive avoidance because we're talking about two
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  separate things. Narcissism has to do with
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  personality. It's a personality disorder,
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  whereas avoidance has to do with attachment style.
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  So a narcissist may have an avoidant attachment style, but
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  someone who has an avoidant attachment style isn't
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  necessarily a narcissist. And from my research, it seems
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  that narcissists usually have an anxious or a fearful avoidant
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  attachment style actually due to needing narcissistic supply,
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  whereas A dismissive avoidant doesn't need other people and
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  usually pushes them away. So before I give you my list of
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  what you look for to know whether someone is a narc as we
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  shall call them, or ADAI want to tell you to make sure that you
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  listen till the end. Because I have a comment from a
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  woman who actually dated both, and I think you're going to be
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  very interested to hear what she has to say.
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  OK, so first let's talk about vulnerability.
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  Vulnerable narcissists, often referred to as covert
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  narcissists, can come off as being quite vulnerable.
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  However, their vulnerability is a manipulation because they feel
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  that they will be able to draw more people in by being falsely
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  vulnerable. DA's on the other hand, do not
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  like vulnerability. It's uncomfortable and they try
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  to avoid it at all costs. They associate it with negative
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  emotions and weakness. They think that it will lead to
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  a lack of privacy and freedom. They struggle to open up Next,
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  let's talk about everyone's favorite.
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  Everyone mentions this when talking about both narcs and
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  DAS, and that is the silent treatment.
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  So both narcs and DAS tend to Stonewall.
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  It's also known as stonewalling. But their reasons are very
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  different. The intent behind the
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  stonewalling, the silent treatment, is different.
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  A covert narc will use the silent treatment more than the
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  overt narc, who will tend to get loud and angry.
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  The narc uses it as a punishment to get a reaction.
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  It's intentional and premeditated, whereas with the
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  dismissive avoidant it's more an issue of self protection for
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  them. Usually the distancing, since it
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  actually is more distancing than stonewalling, will occur after
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  they've felt vulnerable. So it's not aimed at hurting the
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  partner, but it's a way to feel safe.
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  They do it as protection, it's not premeditated, and they do it
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  when they deactivate. OK, so that's the big
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  difference. It's the intent.
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  Next, we have attention and validation.
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  Since Narcs aren't able to validate themselves, it's a
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  definite need for them. They crave attention.
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  They like to be the center of attention.
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  A covert narc will play the victim card to get attention and
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  maybe use something like illness to get that attention.
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  And while we all like attention, of course avoidance don't need
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  it, but they certainly appreciate it.
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  DA's don't like to be the center of attention.
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  They're very good at meeting their own needs.
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  They don't need you for attention or validation to feed
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  their ego. Next, everyone's favorite love
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  bombing narcs, need admiration. They want people to look up to
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  them and think that they're amazing and special.
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  And they spend a lot of time wondering, what do people think
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  of them? So they do things to reel you
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  in, and they love bomb you because they want you to think
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  about them all the time. They're trying to win you over.
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  DAS, on the other hand, are the total opposite.
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  They're actually repulsed by love bombing and would never do
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  it themselves. Dating ADA never feels
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  excessive. If anything, it's the opposite.
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  You feel like you're not getting enough.
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  That's why I personally think that ADA would not date a narc
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  for very long. Because when the love bombing
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  starts, they wouldn't wouldn't trust it and they would head for
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  the hills. So that's a big difference.
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  If it's love bombing, it's a narc.
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  It is not ADA. Trust me on that.
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  Next one is need for power and control.
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  Narcs needs to feel powerful and in control of you.
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  This is where we see the gas lighting, the abusive behavior,
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  and the stalking behaviors. DA's, on the other hand, want to
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  have control over their environment, not a person.
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  They're not interested in having power and control over others.
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  They're fiercely independent because they fear losing their
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  autonomy. Confrontation.
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  Another big difference. Narcs start conflicts and
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  confrontation because they want to isolate you and devalue you.
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  The D8 does not. They try to avoid confrontation
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  at all costs. So this is a big difference
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  between the two. If they're constantly
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  confronting you, they are a narc.
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  If they're avoiding confrontation, they're ADA.
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  Very simple. Next sensitivity to criticism.
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  The Narc's response to criticism is rage, being hurtful,
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  defensive, passive aggressive, contemptuous, stonewalling.
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  Whereas the DA they withdraw, isolate, feel humiliated, they
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  avoid, and they don't feel contempt.
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  OK, another big difference. Empathy.
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  Narcs do not have empathy, and they may actively try to hurt
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  people they want to exploit and take advantage of other people
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  and situations. On the other hand, DA's do feel
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  empty. Sorry, empathy, but they may not
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  always express it because they think it makes them look weak
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  and vulnerable. But they're certainly not trying
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  to actively hurt people. Grandiosity.
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  Narcs are grandiose. They need a lot of attention.
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  As I've said before, they want to show off all the time and
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  they want you to think that they are amazing and more special
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  than everyone else. Whereas DAS are not grandiose,
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  they are not approval seeking, and if someone gives them a lot
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  of compliments, they tend to pull away and not trust it,
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  whereas A narc would just eat it up.
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  Status. Another difference?
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  Narcs are constantly focused on status, power, success, beauty,
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  and being better than everyone else.
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  They cling to powerful people. They're social climbers and they
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  want to find other high status people.
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  So they'll name drop and talk about people they've been with.
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  They need to prove that they have high status, whereas the
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  DA's they're more like can you just leave me alone?
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  They're independent and couldn't care less.
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  They don't really spend a lot of time thinking about status and
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  powerful people. And by the way, if you find this
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  video helpful, please like and share so that other people will
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  find out about it and the YouTube algorithm wouldn't know,
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  will know to show it to more people.
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  OK, a few more differences. Arrogance Narcs are arrogant, as
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  if we didn't already know that. They're trying to show that
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  they're better than everyone else.
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  They're condescending and they put other people down.
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  They're self-centered and they're coming from a place of
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  ego, pride, and power. With the DA now, they may be
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  standoffish and aloof, but they're not trying to get you to
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  think they're better than everyone else.
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  Sure, they may be slow to warm up, but that doesn't come from a
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  place of arrogance. OK, so hopefully this clears up
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  the confusion between a narcissist and ADA.
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  Just because someone is pulling away doesn't automatically make
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  them a narcissist, as you learned.
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  So be careful who you point that finger at, because when you
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  point a finger, remember there's three more pointing back at you.
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  And keep in mind that at the end of the day, instead of trying to
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  become a therapist and learn all about narcissism or avoidance,
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  keep this in mind. If you're not happy with this
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  person in your life, then what's the point?
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  Why are you there with them? A relationship should make your
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  life better, not worse, happier, not sadder.
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  Otherwise, again, why are we there?
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  You're wasting your life away. And for what?
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  So don't become a therapist and try to find out.
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  Are they a narcissist? Are they?
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  Avoid? What are they?
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  If you're not happy, if you're not being treated right, it
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  doesn't matter what they are. Just get out.
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  OK, so let me read this comment before we go.
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  And as I said, it's from a woman who dated both, she said.
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  I get so angry and frustrated when hurt people pop off and say
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  dismissives are all narcs for a multitude of reasons.
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  I've dated a real narc and it was the epitome of mental
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  torture and I've dated ADA. The difference was huge.
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  Like peanut butter and Jelly, they both go together on a
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  sandwich. Well, depending on where you
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  live, but they have no real similar ingredient otherwise.
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  Dating that narcissist for years turned me into an FA myself.
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  Fearful avoidance and hearing people say all avoidance or
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  narcissist just ran is super triggering and hurtful.
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  Exactly. So now you know the differences
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  between ADA and a narc. So stop calling everybody a
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  narc. Now I want to hear from you.
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  Were you dating a narc or an avoidant or God forbid, A narc
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  with a dismissive avoidance style?
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  Please comment below. And in the meantime, if you
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  would like my help to get your ex back, please contact me at
• 11:34
  theartoflove.net and we will send you the rate.
• 11:37
  The direct link is below every single video and podcast.
• 11:40
  The rates are not on the website.
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  If you found this video helpful, please like, subscribe and
• 11:46
  share. If you're listening to this as a
• 11:48
  podcast, please rate and review. And finally, remember that love
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  inspires, empowers, uplifts and enlightens.